Frantiic: Zoloft and Trazodone withdrawal

[Frantiic]

The Origin Story

I developed a fear of throwing up as a kid and was only comfortable throwing up around family members or at home. When I went to school, I developed this weird fear that I’d throw up at school, so for 6 hours everyday I’d be paranoid of throwing up. Eventually, I kept going to the office and saying I was sick. For about a week, this worked and I was allowed to go home, then they sort of caught on that I was not really sick. I didn’t know how to articulate myself, and after being literally disallowed to go home, I started having panic attacks, feeling trapped at school with adults that didn’t care about me/accused me of constantly “faking” my sickness. To be fair, I was, but I was definitely not faking the panic attacks and anxiety it brought me. I got prescribed 0.5mg of Lorazepam at the age of 11 and rarely used it. Even as a child, I hated the idea of taking pills. I really don’t remember if the Lorazepam really worked either, it may have “calmed” me down but the feelings of dread always still remained. Eventually, I got worse and worse and got prescribed Cyprexa in mid-2016. I took it everyday and took Lorazepam when needed, but as I said earlier, I tried to avoid the Lorazepam. The Cyprexa “didn’t work” so I got put on Sertraline in October 2016 at the age of 13 and took it for the next 7 years at ever-increasing doses. See my signature for more detail. Did this solve my agoraphobia that came from my fear of throwing up? No. Hence why I kept trying to increase my dosage. I literally stayed homebound for years. Nothing changed, if anything, it made things worse, but I knew I “had” to take it, because I was told I would need it forever.

 

I tried stopping multiple times but would get these weird sensations in my head (which I have right now) that almost felt like my brain was shutting off. I did get brain zaps but those weren’t my main concern, although it was a weird phenomena to endure. I couldn’t bear what I assumed were withdrawal effects and assumed that getting off the pills would be hard. The pattern was simple: I’d willingly stop taking the pill and after 2 days, I’d feel great. Then day 3 came, and all the weird symptoms came pouring down on me. Then, I’d reinstate. I’d try to do this 1-2 times a year, thinking I’d be able to withstand the effects, however, I always caved, mainly because I needed to go to school.

 

So, the depression started after multiple failed attempts to get off the drug. I felt trapped on those damn pills. I had to take them everywhere I went in fear of missing a few doses. No doubt I was completely dependent on them. Fast forward to COVID times in 2020, where I no longer needed to attend physical school. I only had one job that was incredibly part-time but stopped going because it was too much for me. Zoloft was supposed to help me, to help me get out of my room and live life, but it didn’t. I didn’t accomplish anything. Most days, I wouldn’t attend online class due to how terrible my sleep was. I literally could not sleep at proper times and opted to just sleep instead of attend. I now know that these pills aren’t really great for sleep, especially considering that I took them right before bed. Eventually my sleep got so bad, that I stopped sleeping altogether in 2021. At this point I was basically stopped attending classes altogether. I deeply regret this. Eventually, I got put on trazodone after complaining that I couldn’t sleep at night to my family doctor. It’s not that I had terrible cortisol spikes at night, I simply just couldn’t sleep. I felt dreadful but my word if I can go back to those days that would be amazing. Before, not being able to sleep for me was bad but not a terrifying experience. For the first week of trazodone, everything was fine. It was a miracle, I was actually sleeping! And then, the side-effects started. After a few weeks, I tried to sleep without the trazodone and couldn’t. I thought, “well I’ll just keep taking it, I’m sure I’ll be able to stop anyway”. In January 2022, I asked to go up to 150mg of Zoloft. Throughout the two weeks from January 6th to January 20th, I took 125mg of Zoloft then started 150mg after the two weeks were up, as directed by the doctor. After a few days of taking 150, I noticed that everything was getting worse, so I abruptly stopped taking 150 and went back to 100mg sometime in February or March 2022. It felt better, but it only went downhill from there. This is where I started to suspect that maybe increasing the amount of drugs in my system wasn’t a good idea. Eventually, I became dependent on the trazodone as well and skipping a dose would be hell on earth. I had to practically beg my parents to go to the pharmacy and refill a bottle once I finished it. I actually can’t fully describe the symptoms I felt when I tried to sleep without it. I can, however, say it was torturous. I started violently shaking once and thought I was having a seizure. My parents would often tell me to just “fall asleep” and when I said “I literally can’t you don’t understand” they’d angrily respond saying that I definitely could and would get incredibly frustrated every time I needed a refill, but man, once that drug entered my system, it was so calming, it’s like I was taking a benzo.

 

The side-effects during the day were unbearable though, and most of my days for 2 years were waking up, being in incredible pain, and desperately waiting for nighttime so that I could take it again and sleep. I was obsessed with my sleep schedule, because I thought I needed to be. I would’ve rather dealt with the excruciating side-effects of taking the pill rather than the even worse side-effects of trying to sleep on my own. I also developed GI issues that I have to this day, rarely going to the washroom and having bloody painful stools when I do. Naturally, issues with bloating followed. I literally couldn’t nap during the day and still can’t, as I’d always inevitably get so disoriented and confused after trying, with the inevitable annoying cortisol spike, which was the scariest thing and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It was hell. This is where the dpdr really took full form.

 

Taper Timeline

I had enough of the chronic fatigue, the vivid nightmares, the inability to sleep without trazodone and the almost seizure-like shaking that came with trying to skip a dose, the derealization and the excruciating headaches that were present from the moment I woke up, so I came to the conclusion that it had to be the drugs. In late 2022, I told my doctor I wanted off. He said that they don’t usually recommend tapering during the winter and told me I had to wait until summer to start tapering. I told my doctor that I needed to stop immediately, to which he replied, “then stop taking it”. I basically had the choice of doing it on my own or waiting until the summer. At this point though, I was desperate. I needed to be off. I couldn’t bear the symptoms anymore. Firstly, I decided to just stop taking the medication and after a few days realized that doing that was a terrible idea. So, I requested lower dosages of Zoloft and started meticulously cutting the Trazodone tablets. I tapered both drugs at the same time for the span of only a few months. I regret not researching anything about withdrawal and just assumed I’d be fine if I did it this way. I decided I needed to prioritize the Zoloft first because I was told from doctors that it could inhibit sleep, so I tapered it quicker than the Trazodone. Over the course of a couple months from maybe October/November 2022 to April 2023, I went from 100mg of Zoloft to 0, decreasing by 25mg on my own volition when I felt like it was time, with my last dosage being 12.5mg. I couldn’t tell you exactly when I dropped dosages and regret not recording it, but at the time I didn’t think I needed to. When I hit 0 on Zoloft, I was at about 6.25mg of Trazodone, as I cut the tablets in half about three times. It’s amazing how easy it was to fall asleep at 6.25. It’s like I never needed 50mg in the first place. I realize that 50mg of Trazodone is considered a low dosage, but the efficacy of the drug at 6.25 seemed to be the same. I wonder why that is. Anyway, after multiple failed attempts to sleep without trazodone, with multiple bouts of inner torturous restlessness that came with trying to sleep without it, I finally got about 2 hours of sleep without it after crying myself to sleep. This was monumental for me. You have no idea how much this meant to me after not being able to sleep/nap for more than one second without the use of these damn pills. I felt I needed to stop the taper and try to sleep another night without it, and lo and behold I did. For the next few weeks I started to sleep without the trazodone. Was it restorative sleep? Was is sleep that cured the chronic fatigue that the drug gave me in the first place? No. Absolutely not. I haven’t had restorative sleep for years, but it was sleep nonetheless, and that’s what mattered to me. I felt like I needed to stop taking the trazodone in fear that I’d rely on it again, but had it with me in case I ever felt the need to take it again in sheer desperation… which I did… but only once, in June 2023, which may have screwed up everything for me and I regretted it almost immediately. You see, throughout April-June, my mindset was “well if I get extremely restless and if I’m unable to cope with the flooding of emotions that prevent me from sleeping, I’ll just pop this trazodone next to me and I’ll feel fine!”

 

The reassurance of having these pills available helped me get through the night, but after relapsing and suffering for it, I learned a few things. 1) these pills really are a massive problem and 2) I had to eliminate the mindset of thinking of trazodone as a drug I could just take if incredibly desperate. So, from June 2023 until now I can call myself drug-free. What an incredible accomplishment. Except, what I failed to realize and what I’ve now come to realize is that I tapered incredibly quickly, especially for someone who was influenced under some kind of drug from age 11-20 and that it wasn’t going to be clean sailing. 

 

Withdrawal Timeline

Late 2022 - April 2023: While tapering the drugs, I felt so incredibly bad but kept going because I thought that this is what I needed to do. Restless 24/7, incredibly derealized, bedbound, frightened of just about anything, couldn’t really walk, talk etc. This was particularly the case when I was close to the finish. March - April was just terrible. It was all a blur honestly and I felt like I was taking even more drugs rather than decreasing.

 

April 2023 - June 2023: Neuroemotions, restlessness, derealization, bad intrusive thoughts, and more, but those were the main debilitating ones. The neuroemotions as I’ve come to recognize it as was awful. Truly awful. I still deal with them to this day, and maybe some of what I’m feeling is warranted, but from the span of two months I basically regarded myself as a man unworthy of living. Essentially, every bad thing I ever did was at the forefront of my mind and I couldn’t deal with it. Telling me “you’re a good person!” was something I simply couldn’t accept. I was drugged for half my life and I have no idea what part these drugs played regarding my actions. I stayed in my room all day during this period, didn’t want to talk to anyone and just wanted to distract myself on my phone and hoped I’d eventually get though it. I never had time to create a sense of “self” because I was always regulated under these drugs that, while a bit helpful, never ever solved the root problem. Zoloft quelled my anxiety but never entirely, and made things worse every year. I’d get an increase of dosage and things would get better, until they didn’t. I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to create a new sense of self after these drugs. The fatigue was still awful, the headaches less so, but I felt dead, and didn’t value myself at all.

 

June 2023 - August 2023

It begins. I felt like a prisoner in my own mind and I took Zoloft. I couldn’t sleep, obviously, so I popped the Trazodone as well and slept. And when I woke up, I felt like I was back to square one. I had the biggest headache and I was more fatigued than ever with thoughts racing faster than ever before. I then thought to myself, “never again.” So, for the next few sleepless nights I was determined to not, at any circumstance, pop those pills. I felt probably the worst in those 2 days of not sleeping. If this was months earlier, I would’ve popped the pills no question. It was hard, but I eventually slept again without taking the pills and slowly recovered from the torture that I inflicted on myself. The derealization remained, as did the chronic fatigue and hate for myself. For those months, I had to come to terms with the fact that I actually had to deal with these emotions naturally and that pills cannot ever be the long-term answer. The fact is, humans were never meant to be chemically regulated, and having been medicated for so long, I had to realize that life is so much more than just shutting up and taking pills, thinking that it’ll solve all my problems. I remained bedridden, still hating myself. In late August, I had a horrible relapse of not being able to sleep for even a second, which happens more frequently than I’d like. Once in a while, my body would just refuse to sleep, and the first instance of that happened here. It was gruelling and I felt like that was it for me. I felt more disconnected than ever but eventually found sleep after about 40 hours.

 

September 2023

Probably the best month I’ve had in years. I actually had motivation. I still hated myself, but it went from a 10/10 self-hatred to maybe an 8/10 self-hatred. I exercised, went on walks, started to pay attention to what I was eating but remained unsocial. I just wanted to be alone and do all these things. I’d spend more time in the sun before the cold weather started to come, and thought I was making progress. I slept for 9 hours everyday and although I still had derealization and often woke up sort of disoriented and sometimes confused, I had hope that I was recovering. I mean, come on! 9 hours of sometimes uninterrupted sleep? That was a great accomplishment to me. I haven’t had that in years. The sleep wasn’t really restorative but for the first time in my life I had hope. I started to try to wake up earlier because I felt that 9 hours was a long time, and tried to set alarms for 8 hours. This was incredibly stupid. If you’re in a similar state, don’t try to get complacent. Listen to your body. If it needs to sleep for 9 hours, LET IT. Then, it all began.

 

October 2023 - Now

Hell.

This is where I felt like withdrawal truly began. After bouts of barely sleeping, my mood declined and declined. Derealization hit an all-time high. The back of my head was on fire and the worst was yet to come. Firstly, my appetite became non-existent. I couldn’t eat much, and if I did, I had to deal with the nausea that would ensue shortly after. I even threw up once, which for me is rare nowadays as my previous fear of throwing up made me sort of learn how to suppress throwing up, even when incredibly nauseous. When I throw up, something is horribly wrong. Visual misperception started, vivid hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations, traumatizing sleep paralysis and what would be considered symptoms of “bi-polar” started to begin. Intense mood swings, breakdowns, feeling different everyday, feeling “wrong”, akathisia that’s way more pronounced when waking up or trying to sleep, inner restlessness that is impossible to get rid of, visual snow, closed-eye visuals sometimes resembling what I’d consider what would happen if I took small doses of LSD, after-images, double vision, grainy vision, blobs of colour throughout my vision, visual distortions, and trouble focusing on things with eyes. Most of these visual symptoms were exacerbated 7 months after the last dose. Is this normal? Is it normal for new weird symptoms to develop even months after stopping? This is why I’m sceptical this is all related to withdrawal, but then I ponder whether these debilitating symptoms would be present if I never took the pills, especially Trazodone, in the first place. I’m also inclined to believe this is related to withdrawal is because Trazodone really ruined me. I seriously couldn’t tolerate that drug yet I took it for almost 2 years. I figured that there’s no way that the damage done by that stupid drug would take a short time to correct. I also deal with tinnitus, weird sensations in my brain (I can’t even describe them, it feels so weird and sometimes painful) orthostatic hypotension (which probably resulted from these drugs in the first place, I had a problem with this my entire life and apparently it’s a side-effect), even worse sleep than before, the furthest disconnection from reality ever, short-term memory problems, anhedonia, extreme malaise, muscle pains, hyper-vigilantism, light sensitivity, tremor in the head and arms, the list goes on. Some days I’d cry in despair due to how utterly braindead and disconnected I feel. Every time I wake up, it takes me a few hours to go from completely disconnected to incredibly disconnected, which seems the same but there is a difference. Before Christmas of 2023, I went to the hospital to tell them what has been going on. Much of my visual symptoms weren’t really prevalent at this time. I couldn’t really speak so I wrote everything down for them to read. As I’ve never really been thorough with my symptoms to doctors throughout the years, because I hated the idea of opening up to anyone, I wrote this massive essay about the complete timeline of my symptoms. The doctor looked at it for about ten seconds and prescribed me Mirtazapine 7.5mg. Now look, forgive me if found that a little sketchy. I waited hours in the hospital, basically spending the entire time listing everything I’ve ever gone through to eliminate ANY POSSIBLE CHANCE OF CONFUSION (mainly because I had enough of constantly going to doctors throughout the years and just wanted answers once and for all), they spent about 10 seconds reading it and prescribed me medication. They were actually going to perscribe me Lexapro again, but I told them I had trouble sleeping (something they would’ve known if they read the whole paragraph) and they instantly changed their mind and gave me Mirtazapine. At this point I’m very skeptical and confused. Did I really need to sedate myself again and end these months of progress without medication? Something felt off. At this point I was also on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist that lasted months, and the appointment finally came in the beginning of January, and through this live chat, I saw a psychiatrist. I explained my problems to him and got prescribed a different medication: Prozac. I never told them about the hospital visit, because I didn’t want that to influence what they were going to give/tell me. I then asked the psychiatrist something patients probably rarely ever ask them: “how exactly do these meds actually work?” I’m sure you can guess their response. He told me I had this chemical imbalance, something I was told all those years ago, and that these pills work by correcting the balance. I knew by now that this explanation was utter nonsense. If chemical imbalances were solely the issue then I’m sure these pills would work like magic and this forum wouldn’t exist. They don’t. Not at all. If only psychiatrists actually were honest. I’m longing for the day that I ask that question and they respond with “I have no idea”, because that’s literally the only correct answer. Nobody knows how these pills work, they just do for some people and don’t for others. Remember, without these supposed mental illnesses, these psychiatrists are jobless. That’s something to keep in mind. They have an incentive to lie to patients and lead them down a rabbit hole of polypharmacy. It’s actually disgraceful. I knew everything was a sham after I got prescribed that Prozac. I knew that maybe something else was going on with me. That’s when I had the thought that maybe these pills were the problem all this time. I began to start researching about what happened to people after they stopped taking their antidepressants, and everything seemed to make sense. As a person who tends to be very skeptical (which was definitely brought on with my experiences with psychiatry and pharmacology), I wasn’t really sure whether to believe I was in “antidepressant withdrawal.” My whole life I was told I was mentally ill by doctors, so who am I to go against their word. I even went to a doctor shortly after and got told I had ADHD. What? You’re telling me this whole time THAT was the issue? It didn’t make sense. I got prescribed Vyvanse and told that it was utterly ridiculous that it was withdrawal and told that “even the most avid of heroin addicts feel better after 7 days off.” This remark truly confused me. Surely that isn’t the case. This is where my trust levels went to an all-time low. I was suddenly put into this hellish wave of a plethora of symptoms, and was prescribed 3 different medications from 3 different doctors in the span of a month. Something was off, so I kept doing my own research to rule out all possibilities. I then found this website and spent hours looking at other people’s stories and figured that this must be what I’m going through. Sure, I was an anxious mess before taking pills, then again I was 11 and a highly sensitive and fearful child. Sure, I had problems regulating those emotions, but sometimes I wonder if I could’ve just outgrown it. I didn’t hate my life as a child necessarily because I had friends and lived normally at times. Literally the only issue was that I got incredibly agoraphobic and was reluctant the leave the house and my parents as a child. Going to school sucked, but at home I would be left to my own devices, frying my brain playing video games, which I attribute to my attention span issues. I literally lived online, depressed, on pills that never helped in the long run. I had symptoms resembling OCD but they didn’t really consume me the way it did after taking pills and after going off. Ask anyone I know and they’ll tell you I was a very joyful child who loved humour and loved doing any activity I could, despite the fears that I had. I truly believe that I could’ve conquered this with proper guidance as a child. Some children are just sensitive and scared. Sometimes they’re like that for no obvious or “logical” reason and sometimes because they’re confused about living in this world they never asked to live in, but they do and that’s a beautiful thing. Everyday is a struggle. Some days I’m convinced I’m dying and others I’m convinced there’s healing to be done. Some days I read the horror stories and immediately catastrophize and some days I read success stories and get that extra bit of motivation. There’s no telling where I’ll be in a couple months but I cannot let these pharmaceutical companies win, so I don’t know. I just hope to get to a point where I can tackle my crippling agoraphobia once and for all, without the use of chemicals which never really helped in the first place. I have to believe that after these hellish, torturous symptoms subside, I can tackle life with a different perspective and get help the proper way. I see people recover from what I’ve had as a child all the time, and I have to believe that I can too. I never lived my life. Ever. My life has been me just existing, never doing anything of note. I’m 20 and sometimes feel like my life is already over. But it can’t be. There has to be some life in me, some life I never got to live under the influence of drugs. I see all these stories of people being drugged their whole lives find actual purpose, and I got to believe that my life has one too.

 

The Present

So yeah, I’m currently feeling dreadful, the worst I’ve ever felt. I don’t know who I truly am and when I remember events from the past I find it hard to believe that yes, that was indeed my life. I’m in constant pain, similar to the type of sensations I felt when originally trying to withdraw from the medication, but with even more vigour. I can barely speak and I’m constantly uncomfortable. I look like I’m high all the time. The visual symptoms are the worst, it fuels my dpdr to an even more unthinkably unbearable state, not to mention the tinnitus. I find it really hard to suppress my screen time due to not wanting to be alone with my own thoughts. I realize that I need to eventually push myself to stop looking at screens all day, but usually when I do, the day that follows is absolutely horrific, and all my symptoms return with a vengeance. This has happened every time I try to detox from my phone. There are some days where my symptoms go from a 10/10 to a 7/10, where I still mainly feel terrible but not in hell. Originally, I didn’t think this was related to “windows and waves” but I realized that windows don’t mean the complete elimination of all symptoms, but rather a time where the symptoms become more tolerable. In fact, the physical symptoms remain the same and sometimes new ones form, but there are some days where I’m just inexplicably able to tolerate it more, and some days where I simply can’t. Am I 100% convinced all of this is withdrawal? Not entirely, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to learn, mainly out of despair. I know I’m an anxious person, but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As soon as I stopped taking the meds, everything and I mean EVERYTHING got worse. There must be a correlation, right?

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm terribly sorry to hear that you were put on these drugs at such a young age, and for the hell that you have experienced since tapering off of the drugs.  First of all, I want to reassure you and give you hope that you can and will recover! That is the good news. The bad news is that it will take lots and lots of time.  However, you are at a big advantage in that you are very young, and have many years left.  It is a really good sign that you had the window in September!  That means that your brain is healing itself.  

 

I don't know if you have looked at these links yet, so I will give them to you.  Please watch/read them, it's important to be well educated about these drugs, and what they do to our brains, and what recovery from them looks like.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

It is essential to learn some non drug coping skills for dealing with the symptoms.  They won't take the symptoms away, but they will make your life significantly better if you can cope with and manage them.  

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

Finally, I want to try and help you to see that you are a valuable and worthwhile person, and hope that you will not hate yourself.  It is totally not your fault that you were put on these drugs.  You were only 11.  Just the fact that you have survived all the hell that you have gone through shows that you are a very strong person.  Also, you sound very intelligent, wise, and knowledgeable.  You have come to realize that these drugs are not the answer, that they are a money maker for drug companies. I truly believe that in time, as you recover, you will be able to live a normal and happy life.  Please read this link:  

 

Shame, Guilt, Regret, and Self Criticism

 

Finally, there is a book about agoraphobia by Claire Weekes.  She has some very effective non drug ways for coping with and overcoming anxiety and agoraphobia.   https://www.amazon.com/Agoraphobia-Claire-Weekes/dp/0801501113/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3S8KL4MD3IAOZ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.152RrCyzcO27EQlHNhEJ2TwhXOj1fOWCcuPIsg0jRjz1NqkvJzrdXaF2THVCaOWEoIrRZqnYJUKo55k1aZdo2nNBl5ALBTmINBs1EbCp-SRJirios5hdPNZHUddR_C9hjgc9XrZUAuAbMEwO-oMR8kdMMV4kMvnaY-8-l37-Vyx6e0_Z7Yy33Tom6Ioid26AjZd8Q3Kjhl12hTOOEavNQwJA5IkAOF8G6oDEBD_vNGY.se9LjS0lcHpsLmoNGJiXXcYjS70wBFyFfeXfbYYeg1w&dib_tag=se&keywords=claire+weekes+agoraphobia&qid=1709416245&sprefix=claire+weekes+agora%2Caps%2C105&sr=8-1

 

You may want to wait until you are farther along in your recovery from the drug withdrawal before you try to overcome you agoraphobia.  It sounds like you have enough to deal with right now.  Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. 

 

 

 

[Frantiic]

Hey Lex. I have indeed viewed all the links you provided, in fact I don’t know if there’s much content from this website that I HAVEN’T seen lol. In fact, I’m pretty sure your story was one of the first I read because of the trazodone connection. I started browsing this website shortly after getting told I had ADHD. I heard of this website previously but never really had the courage to go on it because I didn’t really know what it was and to be quite honest, the name “Surviving Antidepressants” kinda scared me. When I did get the courage to browse this website, I quickly realized that every symptom I’m experiencing, which is a lot, has been experienced by other people and made me inclined to believe that a lot of what I’m experiencing has to do with withdrawal.

 

59 minutes ago, getofflex said:

First of all, I want to reassure you and give you hope that you can and will recover! That is the good news. The bad news is that it will take lots and lots of time.  However, you are at a big advantage in that you are very young, and have many years left.  It is a really good sign that you had the window in September!  That means that your brain is healing itself.  

I appreciate your optimism. I guess one of my issues here is that I don’t really have an idea of what “recovery” really entails. I don’t have a baseline, the last time I was off drugs for this long was when I was 12. The identity crisis aspect is monumental for me at the moment. Usually people at my age are ambitious and have a feeling of who they want to be, but I don’t have that at all. All I’m thinking about right now is surviving, and that has been the case for years now, even more so now. The feeling of “just existing” is something I need to learn how to navigate, because it’s incredibly scary. It sucks that the brain seemingly adapts to a drug very quickly yet could take a long time to get used to being without it. I’ve always wondered why that is. The window in September was indeed a glimmer of hope, but I haven’t had anything close to that since. 

 

59 minutes ago, getofflex said:

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

I did try Magnesium Glycinate once at 200mg after being reluctant to touch ANYTHING. It didn’t do much for me and I had difficulty sleeping. I think it would be pretty outrageous to blame that entirely on the supplement itself, but I don’t really think the answer, for me at least, is supplements. I haven’t tried fish oil though, and I’m pretty open to trying it in the future. However, I think I’m pretty sensitive to all supplements at the moment, even Vitamin D at relatively low doses.

 

59 minutes ago, getofflex said:

Finally, I want to try and help you to see that you are a valuable and worthwhile person, and hope that you will not hate yourself.  It is totally not your fault that you were put on these drugs.  You were only 11.  Just the fact that you have survived all the hell that you have gone through shows that you are a very strong person.  Also, you sound very intelligent, wise, and knowledgeable.  You have come to realize that these drugs are not the answer, that they are a money maker for drug companies. I truly believe that in time, as you recover, you will be able to live a normal and happy life.  Please read this link:  

 

Shame, Guilt, Regret, and Self Criticism

Now this warms my heart. Before, I used to think that meds could be helpful if people really needed them but after this experience and reading thousands of stories, I really don’t think it’s worth the risk. People in despair deserve to heard and helped, not told to take pills and to shut up, which is basically what happened to me. We live in the most medicated period in human history, yet everyone seems more miserable. That can’t be a coincidence. Something needs to change, and fast.

 

Anyway, thanks for your response. I truly appreciate you and what you’ve done here, along with all the other moderators. You’re quite literally saving lives, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ll definitely keep in touch and check out the book by Claire Weekes.

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, Frantiic said:

I guess one of my issues here is that I don’t really have an idea of what “recovery” really entails. I don’t have a baseline, the last time I was off drugs for this long was when I was 12. The identity crisis aspect is monumental for me at the moment.

Yes, this is a common experience for the people who were put on the drugs as children.  We have lots of people here who are tapering and recovering who were also put on them very young.  I will give you a search list of these intro topics, and maybe you could visit them and get to know some of them.  

 

Search List of Youth on Drugs

 

1 hour ago, Frantiic said:

People in despair deserve to heard and helped, not told to take pills and to shut up, which is basically what happened to me. We live in the most medicated period in human history, yet everyone seems more miserable. That can’t be a coincidence. Something needs to change, and fast.

I absolutely agree 100%!  Every sentence you say here totally resonates with me.  I feel that doctors do this, because it is much faster and easier for them, than to take the time to sit down and really listen to someone.    

Edited March 2 by getofflex

[Frantiic]

It must be said though that the sudden emergence of symptoms of hppd 7 months after stopping is a bit concerning. I know symptoms could come and go, but the fact that something like this took so long to come is incredibly concerning.

[getofflex]

I assume you are referring to hallucinogen persisting perception disorder?  This is pretty likely to have been caused by the withdrawal, and by your nervous system still trying to recover.  Symptoms do tend to morph and change over time.  Sometimes, a new symptom will emerge months after someone stopped their drug.

 

Could you please add some more details about how you tapered your Zoloft and trazodone?  Add some dates and dosages of your reductions, as best you can remember, to your signature.  This will help us best advise you.  

[Frantiic]

On 3/3/2024 at 1:12 PM, getofflex said:

Could you please add some more details about how you tapered your Zoloft and trazodone?  Add some dates and dosages of your reductions, as best you can remember, to your signature.  This will help us best advise you.  

I added a rough timeline of my taper dates, I don’t know exactly what dates I switched doses but what I put is as close to accurate as I’ll get. Once again, I apologize for this. I really didn’t think I’d need to log the dates, I was just desperate to come off. I know for an absolute fact that each dosage reduction was the exact amount that I reduced by. 

 

On 3/3/2024 at 1:12 PM, getofflex said:

I assume you are referring to hallucinogen persisting perception disorder?  This is pretty likely to have been caused by the withdrawal, and by your nervous system still trying to recover.  Symptoms do tend to morph and change over time.  Sometimes, a new symptom will emerge months after someone stopped their drug. 

Yes, but I don’t really know if it really is HPPD. The symptoms align and it says on the wiki and various sites that Trazodone could induce it, but I haven’t taken the pill in 8 months, and it’s only appeared recently. So many “coincidences” are happening and I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. The visual symptoms really started bothering me in late January, where after-images started emerging and closed-eye visuals started happening. The static vision increased in intensity and tinnitus on my right ear began to annoy me. Double vision (on both eyes) also started happening. My eyes also just focus on the wrong things and notices small things that it should be able to filter out. Maybe this is what hyper-vigilantism is, I really have no clue. This is a 24/7 thing with no apparent cause. Being in the dark is frightening. I went to a neurologist yesterday, which was an appointment I had pending for about 6 months. I got referred by my family doctor mainly due to the brain fog, chronic fatigue and back of head pains that I’ve been getting for years now. The visual symptoms I’m experiencing right now were not present at all. I also described burning-like sensations all over my head and numbness of my face. I told the neurologist everything and she told me it was probably due to migraines and that I should see an optometrist, which I actually did around October for an annual checkup and found that nothing was wrong with my eyes, other than the fact that I am near-sighted, which I’ve known to be the case for probably a decade now. My pupils were dilated and everything came back fine. Glasses don’t make these symptoms go away. She prescribed 20mg of Propranolol for 7 days, which I must take after I wake up and before bed, then to take 40mg at once daily for the next 6 months. I haven’t taken it yet. She also ordered an MRI, I don’t know when it’ll take place. I also asked her about withdrawal and said that it couldn’t be this far out. When picking up the Propranolol prescription, I asked the pharmacist about withdrawal and to my absolute surprise, he told me that it’s entirely possible and that what I’m experiencing now could be withdrawal-related considering the hell that I actually experienced on the drug, which is quite telling considering he’s the one who administers the drugs.

 

Everyday is a struggle. I don’t know what’s happening to me and what’s going to happen. Honestly, I feel like a lot of what I’m feeling is extreme post-traumatic stress, which contributes a lot to my identity crisis and severe dpdr. I struggle to call it a “disorder” because I think it’s not disorderly at all to experience trauma from what I experienced. One of the main symptoms of ptsd is the deliberate avoidance of what traumatized you in the first place. For me this would be napping. I couldn’t nap when I was on the drugs and I am terrified of napping to this day. I tried yesterday and it was hell. I would be stuck in this state of being half-awake and half-asleep, where I could take in external stimuli but basically be unconscious. It’s like my brain is desperately trying to keep me awake and pleading with me to not fall asleep. I would jolt awake, so confused and disoriented, with my heart pounding as hard and as fast as it could. I’d be in this state for a while and eventually have it clear up a bit but I’d be absolutely traumatized. I’d almost always have hypnagogic hallucinations and sometimes sleep paralysis. I read a post by Alto where she said something about it being a very light sleep state, which would explain everything. I just don’t know why confusion and disorientation ensue, along with a massive panic attack. Cortisol is probably the main culprit, but WHY does this happen? I went from napping everyday for hours due to severe depression and despair to not being able to nap. Napping was my only escape from everything, even if I had nightmares the same way healthy people have them.

 

It just really sucks because I couldn’t tolerate taking trazodone yet I did for 2 years because I’d be up for days if I didn’t. Maybe I had a mild case of serotonin syndrome the entire time and I’m just recovering from it. It certainly feels like I’m constantly being poisoned. The reason why this is so distressing is because I haven’t really found accounts of someone mysteriously gaining these types of visual disturbances months after stopping. Usually, they form right away after stopping or while on the meds. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I just try the Propranolol? It would suck to have to taper ANOTHER drug and potentially experience withdrawals again. This is why I’m to reluctant to take literally anything given to me. I even bought melatonin but I haven’t taken it because I’m just so afraid of what could happen.

[getofflex]

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

She prescribed 20mg of Propranolol for 7 days, which I must take after I wake up and before bed, then to take 40mg at once daily for the next 6 months. I haven’t taken it yet.

Why did she prescribe Propranolol?  For heart/blood pressure issues, or for anxiety?  

 

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

I also asked her about withdrawal and said that it couldn’t be this far out.

The vast majority of doctors are clueless about psych meds, and about how much dependency they cause, and how long withdrawal can last.  She is wrong about saying it can't be this far out.  That is why this site exists - because our health care system does not acknowledge the truth about psych drugs and withdrawal. 

 

I personally believe it is likely that these symptoms are from withdrawal.  The nervous system affects every system in our body, and it takes months to years for your system to find homeostasis.  I agree with your pharmacist.  

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

I’d almost always have hypnagogic hallucinations and sometimes sleep paralysis. I read a post by Alto where she said something about it being a very light sleep state, which would explain everything. I just don’t know why confusion and disorientation ensue, along with a massive panic attack.

Please don't be afraid of hypnagogic hallucinations.  This is normal, and even people not in WD and not affected by psych meds have this.  I have it myself.  It is just part of our normal sleep patterns.  I believe that is is when we are dreaming while we are half asleep/half awake.  This won't hurt you.   Altostrata is correct. 

 

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

I just don’t know why confusion and disorientation ensue, along with a massive panic attack. Cortisol is probably the main culprit, but WHY does this happen?

I suspect it could be your anxiety about the hypnagogic hallucinations that is causing these symptoms.  I think if you accept them as normal, this will go away, or lessen.  

 

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

he reason why this is so distressing is because I haven’t really found accounts of someone mysteriously gaining these types of visual disturbances months after stopping.

It is common for new symptoms to appear months after stopping psych meds especially since you did a fast taper, and also tapered off 2 drugs simultaneously. Our nervous systems are extremely complex, and they tend to recover in stages and phases, causing symptoms to appear, disappear, morph and change.  Please read this, it will help you understand what I'm trying to explain to you. 

 

What is Happening in Your Brain? (Explains why recovery takes so long)

 

On 3/6/2024 at 3:45 PM, Frantiic said:

Should I just try the Propranolol? It would suck to have to taper ANOTHER drug and potentially experience withdrawals again. This is why I’m to reluctant to take literally anything given to me.

I'm glad you are being very cautious about introducing new drugs.  It depends on the reason why you were prescribed it.  Personally, if the doctor prescribed me this for anxiety, I would not take it, and would learn non drug techniques for managing my anxiety.  Here is what the founder of this site, Altostrata, says about propanolol.  

 

  

On 10/30/2018 at 4:38 PM, Altostrata said:

Yes, you can take propanolol occasionally. If you find you're taking it every day, you may have to taper off.

Herre is our topic on that drug. 

 

Tapering Beta Blockers

 

Please rest assured that the only thing that is truly going to heal you is time, and natural self care.  I know, it stinks that there is no fast cure for this.  

 

[Frantiic]

On 3/9/2024 at 8:45 AM, getofflex said:

Why did she prescribe Propranolol?  For heart/blood pressure issues, or for anxiety?

It was prescribed for migraines, I’m meant to take it daily, but I haven’t taken it yet. I was also prescribed Rizatriptan to take as needed, which for me would be every second of the day. It affects serotonin so I’m very iffy on taking it. Part of me wants to try it just to see what would happen to me, but the other day I took Tylenol and it sedated me to the point where I had the most vivid nightmare in which I was screaming “get me out” constantly. I had something similar to this when I last took Tylenol a few months ago. I think all of this has basically confirmed I’m utterly traumatized by the experience of what these drugs did to me. I’m scared to even close my eyes nowadays because not only does it force me to witness the visual light show that is ever-present, but it also forces me to think freely, and whenever I do that, I can’t help but wallow in my own situation, and remind me of the times I failed to free myself from these drugs; the times where I would try to sleep without them and jolt up in horror. This truly feels unrecoverable.

[getofflex]

13 hours ago, Frantiic said:

I was also prescribed Rizatriptan to take as needed, which for me would be every second of the day. It affects serotonin so I’m very iffy on taking it.

I think you are wise for avoiding this.  While our nervous systems are destabilized and trying to find homeostasis, they tend to be very sensitive to drugs and supplements, so taking it would put you at risk of worsening your situation.  

 

14 hours ago, Frantiic said:

the other day I took Tylenol and it sedated me to the point where I had the most vivid nightmare in which I was screaming “get me out” constantly.

Ouch.  That is what I mean, it sounds like your system is quite sensitive to drugs.  

 

14 hours ago, Frantiic said:

This truly feels unrecoverable.

Please rest assured, this is very recoverable.  It is very common for people in early WD (withdrawal) to feel that their situation is permanent.  It is hard to believe this when you feel so bad, and for weeks/ months.  However, our many success stories attest to the fact that we do heal from this.  Please check out these links below.  

 

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

 

Success Stories