Warpman - My history

[Warpman]

 

 

Until I was 30 years old I had never put an antidepressant in my mouth. I had a normal life. I studied, graduated, dated, got married, etc., etc. Since I was a child, I've always been a little anxious/worried. When I was young, I had some difficulty sleeping. I also had gastritis due to anxiety, but nothing more than that. I never resorted to medication, even though I faced many traumas (my father's death, problems with my mother that made me move in with my grandmother, etc.). However, I started taking Lexapro 20 mg from 2010 until 2017 to treat classic depression caused by a disease that no one discovered and that made me feel a lot of pain. In 2017, after many bad episodes, notably my son's diagnosis with a serious illness, Lexapro was no longer effective. I started to feel scared, depressed, with back pain and anxious. I was afraid that my eldest son would also be diagnosed with the same disease. Now I question whether the exacerbation of these symptoms was not a result of Lexapro itself. WE WILL NEVER KNOW. The fact is that the doctor - in 2017 - switched to CYMBALTA 60 mg and I reacted VERY WELL. I even got through traumatic episodes, like the sudden death of my grandmother - which for me was everything in life, as she was the one who raised me - and everything went very well. The only annoying effect was dizziness when standing up. I actually fainted a few times because of it. In one of them I even had to get stitches in my head. Anyway, everything was going very well until the episode occurred in May/2023, in which I was fired by my friend, who suggested that I had committed a crime in 2016. After what happened, I became very depressed, I didn't want to get out of bed, a feeling of injustice, difficulty waking up, etc., but I was still able to do normal activities. Early July 2023 - when I was much better and didn't feel any of the symptoms I'm experiencing now - I went back to the doctor, who decided, don't ask me why, to increase the DUAL to 90mg. About 2 weeks after starting the new dose, the monster that now plagues my life began to be born. After seeing a news story saying that a certain person had been convicted for an event that had occurred 6 years ago even though he was innocent, I began to feel afraid that the suggestion made by the monster who fired me could come true, despite there being no factual-logical support. for that. From then on, I believe that due to the increase in medication, I began to feel anguish I had never experienced before - and which I later discovered was not that bad as I would feel much worse. But, as it was something new for me, I was very scared and, after contacting the doctor, I was prescribed Pristiq 50 + 0.25 Rexulti. I argued that I didn't want to take two medications. Because of this, she told me to just take pristiq. After about a week, I felt much better and thought everything was over. A few days later, however, the symptoms of anxiety/distress and intrusive thoughts returned. Therefore, we switched to 100 mg of pristiq associated, at my suggestion, with cannabis extract. However, the medication (Green Care 79.14 mg/ml) caused me 2 panic attacks. I was traumatized by these two events and permanently stopped taking THC. For the first time in over a decade, I had to take a Xanax to calm down. However, without any change of medication, the anxiety began to return very strongly, to the point of almost preventing normal activities from being carried out. Even so, it was possible to tolerate the symptoms with GREAT DISCOMFORT. Upon returning to the doctor's office, I reported the worsening of symptoms and the Pristiq dose was increased to 150 mg, this time associated with half a Rexulti tablet (0.25). As I was very fragile and wanted to improve, I accepted the association with the antipsychotic. About 1 week later, my symptoms improved and I thought that, this time, things would go well. After 1 or 2 weeks I felt good - although a little accelerated. However, at the end of November/2023 I started to feel very anxious, accelerated and distressed, which caused a terrible cycle of thoughts. They were very uncomfortable symptoms that were slowly destroying me. I even had a kind of panic attack, but I resisted without taking Xanax.

 

I was anxious for almost the entire day, but I refused to speak up for fear of more problems. Mysteriously, all these symptoms diminished greatly during the night, so that, as far as possible, it was possible to sleep well, despite being very distressed during the morning and afternoon.

Well, after this episode I went back to the office. Seeing my condition, the doctor decided to replace the 150 mg of Pristiq with 20 mg of Lexapro with the removal of 0.25 mg of Rexulti. In the first week after withdrawing from Pristiq, it felt like something bad had come out of me. From 11/21 until 11/28 the symptoms decreased until they almost disappeared. I was quite happy. I thought I had discovered what caused all this and that there would be a happy ending soon.

But there was no time to celebrate. On 11/29/23, 8 days after withdrawing from Pristiq and starting Lexapro, the anguish returned in a brutal and overwhelming way. So great and intense that the desire to kill oneself appeared as the only option to end the suffering. I had never felt this before. Therefore, it is obvious that the medication was to blame.
From 11/29 onwards, my real downfall began. Despite the ups and downs, before that, I was able to go for my daily run, work and have leisure time. From then on, no more.

After 11/29 I have certainly been facing the worst phase of my life. If I weren't working remotely, I would have to take time away from activities. From that date on, I completely abandoned the faith that had helped me so much in the past and my life became a distressing struggle for survival. From being a fervent Catholic with a daily rosary, I no longer had the strength to continue. It was my wedding anniversary and I couldn't go out to dinner with my wife, just to give an example. I was completely dysfunctional. Many times I couldn't even take my children to school or go to the supermarket. He was in a daily hell that seemed to have no end other than taking his own life.

The days that followed were terrible. During this period, I was forced to take xanax every day (I only took it once a day, but if I could, I would take it every 3 hours), such was the anguish. I had never felt anything close to that. Not even Doistoevksi, or perhaps only he, could faithfully describe the overwhelming feelings that invaded my soul.

 

On December 7th, due to my terrible condition, the doctor suggested that I take ketamine sessions and add 0.5 of Rexulti to the 20mg of Lexapro.

 

From then on I had ups and downs. After the first two ketamine sessions I thought I was cured and that everything was over. I was wrong. After a few days of improvement, I began to worsen dramatically with terrible anxiety and panic, as well as intrusive thoughts.

 

On 1/8/24, in a new consultation, the doctor decided to maintain Lexapro 20 mg and maintain 0.5 of Rexulti. That same day, I went on vacation with my family and had the worst vacation of my life. Catastrophic thoughts accompanied me at all times. I was already waking up with a LOT of fear and panic. I spent the whole day like this, with the same thought circulating and plaguing my mind. I went to the beach with atrocious difficulty. Every 5 minutes, throughout the day and afternoon, I had to relive what happened to tell myself that there was no reason to worry, that it was just the thought of a crazy person, etc., etc., all of this surrounded by a lot of fear, anguish and panic. At night, there was a little relief and, I don't know how, I was able to sleep well. But I woke up the next day in absolute panic. It was a nightmare.

 

Upon returning from vacation, on January 22, 2024, in complete despair, I went to another doctor. He said that I had symptoms similar to those of OCD and ordered me to keep the Lexapro, remove the 0.5 of Rexulti and take Luvox 50mg for 3 days, then switch to 100.

 

In the first three days I noticed that the intrusive thoughts decreased. Given this, he asked to maintain the 50mg, in addition to the 20mg of Lexapro. From the fourth day onwards, however, despite the thoughts having reduced, the anguish/panic increased a lot again and came in a BRUTAL and OVERWHELMING way. I had terrible episodes for about 10 days, where I really wanted to kill myself to end the pain. I woke up with a feeling so bad I couldn't describe it. I even fainted on two occasions. I couldn't carry out everyday activities, like going to the supermarket or taking my children to play soccer. I had never felt anything like this. Doctor gave Buspirone but it was like water. Therefore, he told me to take Xanax 3x a day, in addition to the other medications. Afraid of the effects of benzos, he took xanax only when the anguish was unbearable and tried to live in anguish at all times, without respite.

 

Then, in desperation, I asked the doctor to remove the Lexapro - because I thought it was causing the symptoms. On 02/02/2024, he ordered 5 days of Lexapro 10mg and then withdrawn, he kept 50mg of Luvox and started Elavil 25 (should go to 75 mg in 5 days) and Lithium 600 (2x of 300).

 

The day after taking 25 mg of Amytril, on February 3, 2024, I felt better. I was very happy because I didn't wake up in a panic and I didn't feel like throwing myself out the window, something that had been with me in the last few months. But my general condition continued to be poor.

 

From then on, very slowly, I gradually improved. It wasn't great, but I stopped wanting to die. Given the improvement, the doctor asked to keep Elavil at 25 mg. I suggested that he reduce/remove Luvox but was ignored.

 

I thought it might have effects from completely withdrawing from Lexapro but it didn't get any worse.

 

At an appointment on 2/22/2024 with another doctor, I was in a simply reasonable state. Still very traumatized by everything I suffered and went through, but without that anguish and panic that paralyzed me and left me wanting to die (and sometimes to kill myself, which scared me a lot). As for the thoughts that I would be reported, etc., they came many times a day, but without panic or anguish. But it was much better than my previous state.

 

I was very happy with your new doctor's line of thinking - who also understood that most of the terrible symptoms I suffered stemmed - not from my condition - but from the medications.

I reminded the doctor that I was flooded with a sea of serotonin and norepinephrine (I was prescribed an incredible 150 mg of Pristiq + 0.25 of Rexulti, then 20 mg of Lexapro + 0.5 of Rexulti, and finally 20 mg of Lexapro, + 50 mg of Luvox). One of the doctors even commented that we could increase Lexapro to 40 mg!!!!

 

My perception is that what made me improve was Lithium. After 2 weeks of taking the mineral, I had a good improvement considering my previous condition. The effect of  25 mg Elavil was also impressive, as I took it at night and, the next morning, I didn't wake up in despair. As for Luvox, I honestly think it does me more harm than good.

 

I remind friends who read me that I am one of the many cases in which the patient presents a small complaint and is devastated a few months later by the medications.

If the medication starts to cause unwanted effects, the standard medical approach is to always increase the dose, and never take out the medication. It's insane.

 

The new doctor ordered dozens of tests, including genetic ones, and authorized the reduction of Luxox to 25 mg. I've been on the new dose for 15 days and I'm still doing it - not very well - but simply stable.  He also said that our target is to remove everything ( AMEN).

 

He also said - unlike the previous doctor - that I don't have OCD, just a persistent intrusive thought.  I remember never feeling anything like that. I never had thoughts that tormented me day and night. I remember never feeling anything like that. I never had thoughts that tormented me day and night. This is yet another indication that this all happened due to the different drugs I was put on.

 

The thoughts that I could be accused of something - despite having done nothing - appear all the time, but without the panic like before.

 

Today, 8/3/24, I am taking low doses of three medications:

25 mg of Elavil
25 mg of Luvox
600 mg of Lithium,

 

The first withdrawal occurred. 15 days ago I reduced Luvox from 50 to 25.

 

Because of all this, here I am, looking for everyone's help to, little by little and very carefully - after all, I am very traumatized by what I went through and felt - remove these medications from my life and get out of this nightmare I have been going through.

 

Thanks and sorry for the bad english.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 8 by Warpman
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[LotusRising]

Hi @Warpman

 

Wow, sounds like you've been on quite a merry-go-round of medications. Glad you've finally come to the realization that the drugs are in fact the problem. 

 

Have you read our recommendation to taper by no more than 10% each month? See  Why taper by 10%.

 

These links might also be helpful:

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization 

 

 Keep it simple, slow and stable.

 

 

 

Are there any particular coping skills you need help with? We have many resources on the site.

 

Please post any updates or questions related to your specific situation right here in your thread. 

 

And once again, welcome  

 

LotusRising

[Warpman]

Thank you for the welcome, dear LotusRising.

In the worst possible way I discovered that most of the things I felt - suicidal feelings, panic attacks, derealization, uncontrollable fears and a hellish anguish that seemed to have no end - were caused by the medications.

I used the search on this forum and was presented with many inspiring stories and tips for withdrawal.

Thanks for your help.

[Terry]

@Warpman You have been through a lot of suffering with all the changes in med ication.  I'm not a moderator, so I can only speak from my own experience.  I have tapered off sertraline (zoloft) and am currently in my 3rd year of tapering alprazolam (xanax).  I still have side effects from the xanax, but they are mostly manageable. Tapering is a slow process, but with patience, eventually you will get there.  And if you are able to pray again it may offer you some peace and consolation.  God loves you!

 

By the way, I think your English is excellent.  No need to apologize.

 

Terry

[Warpman]

 

 

Thanks for the kind words, @Terry It's great to have someone to encourage us. Being drug-free is my new life goal. If someone reads this sentence, they might think I'm addicted to cocaine. I WISH!! Maybe it would even be better. But they are legal drugs that are available to anyone.
We are the example that legal drugs, but highly addictive and with unknown effects, are used as if they were aspirin.
This forum helped me a lot to look at the other side of the story. Mainly, medicines can often do more harm than good.
In my case, I even found a study proving that Duloxetine can exacerbate conditions that were completely manageable (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16649841/).

 

Thanks a lot.

[Warpman]

Updates
March 15, 2023 I decreased Luvox to 12.5 mg. So far everything is going well (03/22/2024).

 

By the end of April 2024, I want to remove Luvox from my life and start reducing Elavil 25 mg.

 

Because it is, in my opinion, the least worst of the medicines, I will leave lithium to be removed later on.

 

If anyone is reading me, suggestions are appreciated

[Warpman]

Despite not being completely off medication (I still continue with low doses of SSRI Elavil 12.5, Luvox 12.5mg, in addition to Lithium 600 mg), I have been experiencing so-called windows and waves. There are periods when everything goes well and periods, like now, when everything seems gray and meaningless.

 

I swear I would rather have all the physical symptoms than the mental symptoms (those, for me, are terrifying).

 

The most surreal thing about all this is that, in May/2023, I was only taking Cymbalta 60mg. After a bad episode, I went through almost a dozen medications, including antipycotics and mood stabilizers. I still consider Lithium - despite all the bad long-term effects - to be the least worst of the psy medicines.

[Warpman]

On April 3rd, after reducing Luvox from 12.5 to zero and Amitriptyyne from 25 to 10, from April 12th, 2024 I had withdrawal symptoms.

 

Symptoms: Palpitation (NEVER had it before), Depression and Anxiety. Terrible dreams early in the morning that made me wake up terrified. I was also affected throughout the day by short waves of terrible feelings like: you'll stay like this forever, there's no other way out than to kill yourself, etc.

 

In times of crisis it is very, very, very difficult to be sure that this happens because of the withdrawal. Normally we think we are going crazy.

 

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this, but today I felt sad when I thought I had this type of mental problem. I don't know how to explain it properly. It feels like this isn't all real and isn't happening to me. It could be derealization, a symptom that I know is very common in withdrawals.

 

Today, April 18th, despite waking up very discouraged, I spent the rest of the day fine, as if nothing had happened. That's WD's big joke about these poisons.

Lucky we have this forum to help us.

 

I will wait for it to stabilize before decreasing the Amitriptyline to lower it to 8.75 mg - which, according to my calculations, is equivalent to a dose of 2.86 mg of Fluoxetine.

[Warpman]

Today a little better than yesterday. Little anxiety and little depression. Just boring negative thoughts, but no panic or dread.

 

There was also strong tightness in the back and shoulder. A kind of very accentuated tension.

 

I wonder how I ended up in this state. I was a person who woke up and went to live life. Today I wake up afraid of mental symptoms - which I had never felt before antidepressants - of which I could be a victim.

I'm sure many friends here on this forum go through or have gone through the same things.

May God help us move forward.