☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[Wildflower0214]

I hope you have been sleeping. All the other symptoms are so much worse with lack of sleep.

 

Thinking of you. Hope u enjoy your family.

[Wolfhound]

MammaP, I was not online much last weeks but I am sending you big hugs and I hope the time you are spending now with your family is definitely a nice time. I can´t thank you enough for your kind words that you addresed me in the most terrifying depth of WD. I am trying to catch up with some threads now...hope you´ll return to your 5 hour sleep.W.

[Rhiannon]

I hope your family time has gone well. I always love hearing you talk about your little 'uns!

[mattinsmom]

Hi 

I, too, hope that your visits are going well and that sleep does come back to you. 

I'd have thrown the phone. You have much more self-control than I.

[btdt]

Hope your doing well Mamma just checking to see how you are. peace to you

[areyouthere]

You make me smile MammaP. You are a trouper and an inspiration. Thanks for being YOU and for sharing your journey.

 

RU

[mammaP]

Hello everyone I'm back!  My family took me away to Sunny Spain, lots of sunshine and lazing on the beach

watching kiddies build sandcastles and other amazing constructions  .  There were 12 of us and it was great,

I had my own room and could sleep when I needed to, hired a mobility scooter and followed them to the beach

when I was ready. Very relaxed and everyone got on great. Now I am back at home and it is very quiet. Arrived 

home yesterday afternoon and last night the door opened and my son walked in with his girlfriend! I saw him very

briefly 2 months ago but apart from that haven't seen him for 7 months since I moved away so it was a real surprise

to see him here  . It was a flying visit and a bit surreal, he was passing on a business trip so did a 100 mile detour

to have a cup of coffee with his Mamma. Another   moment.  

 

The little ones have come back with chest infections and I think I have a virus too. Feel quite ill and very bad neck

and headache with pain everywhere too, sore eyes and throat and very sleepy. Yep, sleepy! Slept on and off for 12

hours last night and back to bed for the afternoon today. No doubt wont be long before insomnia is back but for now I am 

loving the sleep even if I do feel like I am nearly dead!

 

Had a mishap with my effexor and lost the last 50 or so beads that were left. I've been taking the 3 largest beads for a while

and had got to the smaller ones. Opened a new capsule and took the 3 larger ones then felt ill because it was too much,

so dropped to 2 of the largest beads. Was fine for a few days then felt really dizzy and nauseous on the day we flew back

so not sure if it was the virus that the others had also or withdrawal. Will have to wait it out and see, hopefully it is the virus.

It has been 4 months on 3 beads and they were getting smaller and smaller so hopefully will be fine. 

 

Now to try and catch up on a bit of reading, it's good to be home, I've missed you all! 

[btdt]

Spain!!! and you were well for it fabulous! 

I am very happy you are well enough to partake of such fun.  Even if you have to come home with a bug I have been battling a bug for wks and no Spain.  Glad your well enough to get away and enjoy your life. 

Hope the bug is short lived. 

peace

[mammaP]

Thanks BT, feeling a bit better bug wise but now in a wave. I know exactly why but just have to sit it out

and wait to stabilise again. I thought I had hit on a great system and was doing well but I wasn't careful

enough. I also got a new script for tramadol and it is a different make to the last lot. Soon after a cut

too! There can be a difference of 40% with generics and I have no way of knowing whether it is higher

or lower but there is definitely a difference. Insomnia is as bad as ever, along with the symptoms of 

extreme tiredness. Last night I had a bath with magnesium and lavender, took my magnesium and

taurine and climbed into a freshly made warm bed. It was heaven but still didn't sleep more than an

hour. The suicidal thoughts are back and that awful feeling that this is it, this is not going to get better.

 

I know what it is, know that it will pass but the thoughts and feelings still come. I dont want windows to

close I want them to stay open and I do feel that it would have stayed open if I hadn't made that one

stupid mistake that meant I had to start with 2 beads before I was ready.  Going back to 3 made things

worse and the tramadol change hasn't helped either. 

 

I am telling myself that it will pass and it will get better but this weekend I am looking after the little ones 

and their huge German Shepherd dog for 2 days and need to be ok.  That just made me laugh, I feel

like I did at the start, arguing with withdrawal and pleading as if it is going to take any notice  .

 

At this moment there is a documentary showing about Broadmoor in the UK. It is a high security mental

hospital where violent mentally ill prisoners are 'cared for'. It is upsetting me and want to turn it off but

at the same time I'm looking for the patients who have been harmed by drugs. They are all on drugs 

and it is tragic when I know what they don't know, that many of those people have acted while on these

drugs, been sent to that prison mental hospital to be drugged again.  That is making me cry! It is so 

unfair and unjust    

[calithebold]

That is horrible! It's so sad that probably many of them might be having drug clashes and sudden changes of doses to keep them quiet. So sad . I don't think I could watch it either.

[Rhiannon]

Hugs, Mamma. I know how that is when those windows close. 

 

I'm a bit confused, did you stay on 2 large beads or are you on 3 now? I don't really understand the bead tapering very well since I have no first hand experience with that.

 

Anyway, hang in there. It is definitely going to be better than this. And it's already better than it was. Look at how far you've come.

 

We love you. Hang in there!

[mammaP]

Hugs, Mamma. I know how that is when those windows close. 

 

I'm a bit confused, did you stay on 2 large beads or are you on 3 now? I don't really understand the bead tapering very well since I have no first hand experience with that.

 

Anyway, hang in there. It is definitely going to be better than this. And it's already better than it was. Look at how far you've come.

 

We love you. Hang in there!

Aw thanks Rhi.  I am still on 2 beads.  I was taking the 3 largest beads from the capsule. I had them in a box that was easy to

see them and pick out the biggest ones every day. That meant that they were getting smaller if you see what I mean. They are

very small anyway but varied in size. The tiny ones are about a third of the size of the largest ones so I hit on this idea and it

went great until I lost them.The capsule would have lasted 3 months and I had about another months worth to go.  I had to break

open a new one and start again but the beads were too big and I felt the overdose right away so went to 2. The change in

tramadol has hit me too and I think they are stronger because I feel more sedated and it isn't very nice at all! I took a bit more

powder out tonight so will see how that goes. It will get better, I just have to take my own advice and be patient, but it's hard when

things have gone so well.  I will be more careful with my little box from now on, I have a brand new one that will go everywhere with

me so I know where it is all the time.   

 

Back to my daughters tomorrow for the weekend to babysit while they are on business and hopefully will be a bit better. Haven't felt

as dizzy and nauseous today so that's good but have been weepy.  I had to call the ortho hospital because I've been waiting for an 

appointment for my scan results and they said I didn't turn up for my last one 3 weeks ago! I didn't get the appointment and was really

upset. I got so frustrated because I just do not do that and not show up without cancelling. Now I have to wait for someone to get back 

to me.....again!  

[btdt]

There has been something recently stating generic drugs are not what we expect the time release generic can have issues I can't recall if I read about that on here or someplace else. I am sorry for the unpredictable way you must taper due to how the drugs are made in their little spears or whatever the term was... dam drugs... piss me off they get away with making them and never telling people how to taper off them I think it is the drug companies that should be responsible for the taper advice of drug made with time release that are under propietary rules and patents.... I posted on here some place how they make it time release and the machine that makes it... a picture of the machine so if they know how to make it they should know how to break it. 

 

Sorry I know I am not making a lot of sense I will go now and just say I am wishing you well and feeling your pain as well as my own as I spent so much time there already... I so wish you peace maybe I should be wishing for some consistent way to taper... that can be counted on as that is what you need... and a window. 

peace

[mammaP]

I read here that the generics can legally have a 20% difference of the active drug, so that means if one has 20% LESS than the brand,

and the next has 20% MORE it's a difference of 40% which is staggering.  Next time I see the GP I am going to ask if I can have tramadol

suspension so I can have the lowest possible dose so I can try taper that one and that would surely be the same manufacturer each time! 

I took a bit more powder out last night and dont feel as hungover this morning but still a bit light headed. Going away for the weekend again

today so will at least have a distraction with the little ones  . With mom's permission I bought them their own little mini ipads (not really ipads

but I HATE saying I bought them tablets   .   They will be delighted because they love moms and are quite good with them. The good thing is

that they can only use them for an hour before the battery goes so they will not be nagging to stay on them all day 

[calithebold]

I hope you have a good time with the little ones. I have only taken tramadol a couple of times and I can't tolerate it, it makes me really sick. I sympathise with you coming off of it. I know what you mean about the 'tablets' as I didn't like calling them that either .

[Rhiannon]

That's a very clever system for tapering, by taking the biggest ones each day from what was left. Well, hopefully the 2 beads will work for you now, since you had already tapered down by taking smaller beads. Keep me posted how that works, that might turn out to be something good to share with other people who are reducing by beads and having trouble at the small doses because of the size of the increments.

 

I've heard that about generic drugs. So many people end up having problems between generics and brand names, Not something that I've hit yet, knock on wood, maybe because the pharmacy I use is a gigantic behemoth multinational chain so they probably have their own manufacturers. Hm. Who knows.

 

Good luck to you this weekend with the babysitting. And a dog too, right? May you get some sleep and have some fun.

[btdt]

That is not the report I am talking about it hit the news here in Canada within the last month.  I am not sure if it was a tv show or what... it is the time release mechanism in the generic that is faulty... it can release all at one time or not at all... whichever it is a bad idea generics are not getting this part right... and I looked up how they make Effexor time release it is in the beads it has nothing to do with the capsule ...nothing it is how the bead is formed. 

 

I found this bit... 

"The issue with the generic medication being recalled, related to a faulty time-release capsule design causing an uneven distribution of the active ingredient, advocates point out, was present since the product was approved in 2006."

Unfortunately, safety experts say, the recalled capsules containing 300mg of the active ingredient do not have the same time-release design as their name-brand equivalent, leading to an improper dosage distribution. According to numerous patient complaints, this uneven chemical disbursement has resulted in decreased efficacy, physical pain, and, in some cases, increased thoughts of suicide.

I just found it now as I search generic faulty time release... this one I think said it was welbutrin but others have the same problems .. what I heard before was a list of them on just his one that was caught... being faulty... I am feeling a bit not right just now I will look later or maybe somebody who feels well can look... and no I did not read all the responses ...sorry if I am repeating what another said am a bit  messy today or just this part of today... 

http://www.otuslawgroup.com/2012/10/11/generic-antidepressant-recall-reveals-flawed-fda-practices-critics-say/

[btdt]

how the drug is made time release is in this post 

 

• Pharmacobezoars, bezoars comprised of medications ...

  survivingantidepressants.org › Support › Symptoms and self-care

  •  

  Oct 5, 2014 - 9 posts - ‎1 author

  I was looking to understand the how they made effexor time release. http://survivinganti...liquid-effexor/ Seems the more new things they come ...

   

  I don't know if there is any gold in there but I do know it explains what makes Effexor time release if your taking generic I would search it...

   

  Seems to me getting a good supply of the drug your taking enough to see you thru taper needs to become a paramount step in the withdrawal protocal as switching around especially with Effexor is a nightmare for all people who have had to do it.  When the pharmacy switched me to generic I lost the plot... not sure I have found it since to tell you the truth.  Getting enough of the drug you withdrawing from needs to be on the list of things to do for everyone here... 

  I hope a mod takes this up and ways to get enough of one drug... same manufacturer is brainstormed for the people coming after us as it is so very important. 

   

  Peace Mamma hope this is as helpful as it was agrevating to find ... ya real bad mood... going to change my mind now wish me luck... 

  I do still wish you peace

[btdt]

 

Hey Mammap:)

 

Do you only experience tremors when you have to lay still? That's my usual time too. Any time I try to focus on relaxin my body, sitting still, going to bed and especially when I attemptt to meditate.

 

That's about it CK, when I'm laid down or sat quiet my leg might jump or my arm will suddenly jerk. When I am in bed

I can be totally relaxed and ready to doze off but have to turn over, no reason just have to and ignoring the urge doesn't work

as you will know!  .

My scan was a full bone scan of my whole body and was not the bone density scan. I don't have osteoporosis but have what

could be osteomyelitis. I have arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis which means my bones are fusing, the opposite of 

osteoporosis, the soft tissue around joints is calcifying  and turning to bone. The scan will give a picture of what stages 

everything is at and if there is infection that needs treating. 

 

I am now back home again after a few days at my daughter's. I felt ill yesterday and was expecting to be completely wiped

out today but I don't feel too bad!  . I was very depressed and kept telling myself it wasn't real. I had to get away from

people and yearned for the sea, I miss the sea so much I was crying because I wanted to sit by the beach .

 

I collapsed in front of the tv and did nothing for the rest of the day and actually slept for about 3 hours which is fantastic

for me and feel much better for it. Physically I feel weak and in pain but my head feels better so I am happy with that. I

actually feel like making something and being creative, it's a long time since I felt motivated to do anything and will look

through my stash and see what grabs me. 

 

I've just remembered I bought a bottle of pure cranberry juice yesterday and have been drinking that, maybe that has helped?

Think I will buy more but cant afford to drink it all the time! 

 

I looked this up

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osteomyelitis

I have to admit self interest due to my own bone issues... 

I was wondering if they have done a bone biopsy to see if there is an infection?  

 

I of course looked uo osteomyelitis and effexor and found a few links... not that it really means anything with no science to back it up... 

http://www.fda-reports.com/effexor/reaction/osteomyelitis/page13.html

 

Seems I can find a page for about anything if I look... sorry for being cranky last visit went to bed where I needed to be... lowered dose of drug too as it gives me head aches and makes me cranky. 

I hope they get to the bottom of what is going on with your bones and help you seems to be dragging on and on without any progress. 

peace to you Mamma

[mammaP]

Thanks BT, no need to apologise, we all get cranky! I have enough effexor to last my lifetime 

with my taper but the tramadol is restricted so can't stock up with that unfortunately.

 

Had a very tiring weekend with the wee ones, they were on top naughty boy form and ran rings round grandma!

I was looking after them at their house and it was like they thought they could do just what they wanted because 

mom wasn't there! One was poorly the night they were away too and coughing the whole night so no sleep 

whatsoever.  Thoroughly exhausted when I got back on Monday. Still had some fun though, it wan't all bad just

very boistrous.   Yesterday I was surprised to wake up after a couple of hours of good sleep and felt great! It 

was strange and I had to check I wasnt dreaming! It was a lovely sunny day and my head was clear, I thought

about what I would achieve and was happy. I had missed my magnesium baths so decided to take a mag bath

instead of a shower, and when I got in the water was hotter than I would normally have. I sat for a few minutes

before cooling it but when I got out I felt ill and had to go back to bed, my very brief window was over  .

I had read about hot baths not being good for cortisol and now I know why!  Another day wiped from the calender!

 

This morning I had a call from the hospital to go see the consultant today. I went and it was much better than I

expected. He explained things in great detail and showed me the scan and x ray pics. The is no evidence of 

infection but there is some uptake so  will have annual scans to keep an eye on it. It is the same as was seen in my last

hospital but hasn't changed so he is reluctant to do anything invasive.  Most of the pain in my body is caused by

my severely arthritic hip and should have been replaced years ago. After he explained what was wrong, which is too 

technical to try and explain here,  we have decided to go for a total hip replacement. I am going for it because it will

make a huge difference to the pain everywhere else and I will have no problem living without the awful tramadol 

which is fantastic.   Now I have 3 months to get myself stable and healthy enough for surgery. I'm not going to

try and finish the effexor taper, that will take as long as it takes and I don't want to be having withdrawal. 

So there it is, at last someone talked sense and really knew what he was talking about. 

[calithebold]

I'm glad to hear about your hip replacement, I bet it will make a huge difference. Pain is horrible because it does tend to spread everywhere including where the pain is coming from. It's good too that you have three months to get ready for it. It's big stuff, so good to not just rush in and slowly get ready for it. I am happy for you!

[btdt]

Glad to hear from you and happy there is hope on the horizon.  I find the mag baths put me to bed too and usually welcome the sleep I did not know hot baths are affect cortistol interesting.  

When you say there was not much uptake with the scan was it a galium scan you had?  Curious as a doctor has suggested I do one after the series of infections I had but I was afraid of having the galium in my body thought it would react and I would get worse again... if it was galium they were using did you have a reaction to it?

Good there was little or no infection and there is a plan.  I wish you well with the getting well and as stable as possible before you go in.  I hope it all goes well for you and that you have all the help and care you need.  It sounds like all good and hopeful news.  I wish you peace... and stability and windows

[jen84]

Phew... I just read through your whole story! You have been on quite a journey, and its good to read how much you have improved since when you first joined. I am glad you have your family, it must be nice spending so much time with them. I am also glad you got away from those darned neighbors at your old house... 

 

When you are sorting through your beads of effexor and looking for the largest ones, are you using a magnifying glass?

[mammaP]

Thanks Cali and BT, I was excited at first but today a bit nervous and wondering if it's the right thing to do! 

 

 

Phew... I just read through your whole story! You have been on quite a journey, and its good to read how much you have improved since when you first joined. I am glad you have your family, it must be nice spending so much time with them. I am also glad you got away from those darned neighbors at your old house... 

 

When you are sorting through your beads of effexor and looking for the largest ones, are you using a magnifying glass?

Well done for getting through my thread Jen, I hardly dare to read it,  . I did look at the first few pages and was embarrassed 

at all the typos but it just proves that I was in no mans land at the time!  Yes I use a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers to 

get the right beads, it's quite a task sometimes because they seem to be magnetic and cling to the box and the tweezers! 

 

Yesterday was a really bad day, as bad as I've had since I started and I was worried that withdrawal was going to hit me again

in a big way. I had the suicidal impulses and thought that I just can't live with this, being alone means everything is amplified by

100 because there is no distraction. I couldn't do anything or focus on anything and spent most of the day in bed. Dizziness

and stomach cramps were bad so couldn't go out anywhere.  Then today was much better, it was/is just another wave of course 

but it is scary how powerful those feelings are.  I still have the fuzzy head but know that if I just hold fast it will pass.  

 

I've lost more weight which has surprised me because when we were away I ate lots and all the wrong stuff  . It was actually

hard to find good simple food, it was all carbs and processed stuff in the hotel so thought I might have put some weight on. I 

was surprised at some of the photos because I look almost emaciated and not very well. I was obese when I was on the drugs 

and tried every diet going but it was hard to lose weight, then as my taper got lower and I quit the omeprazole and atenolol it

started to fall away. I don't want to lose any more weight but find it hard to get all the calories without carbs. My gut has been 

bad since we came back and I'm trying to settle it down again. 

[tgirl]

Hello MamaP,

Just wanted to say that I just finished reading your thread and it gives me hope!

Thank you,

Tgirl

[mammaP]

Thanks Tgirl, you did well to read all of it! I'm glad that it has given you hope. There have been times when 

I was so desperate and didn't think I would ever find myself again but it really does get better. 

[btdt]

"Thanks Cali and BT, I was excited at first but today a bit nervous and wondering if it's the right thing to do! "

You have time to think it over.  It is best to leave it alone when your not well I know that is not always easy to do... peace

[mattinsmom]

Hi

 

Thanks for stopping by my page.

 

I am glad to hear that there isn't an infection and that you are having a replacement. I've had things replaced/removed over the years and while recovery can be hard, in the bigger picture the changes they've allowed in my life continue to be more than worth it. I have found that working on stamina pre-surgery to be the most helpful in recovery. 3-months time is a good amount to prepare. Make sure you look into things that will make life easier for post-op (like those reaching canes that will grasp things/bottles/etc from hard to reach places. You'd be surprised at how much we use our hips to get ourselves that extra inch or two of reach. 

 

I also try to bulk up a little before operations. I tend to lose weight post-op. How are you doing now with the eating? Belly settled any?

[mammaP]

Thanks Amy, my gut is starting to settle down, I've gone pack to basics with meat and veg, meat stocks 

and have cut the grains. I remembered today that I took an aspirin a couple of weeks ago and I never take aspirin 

after I had a nasty stomach many years ago and the doctor told me never to take aspirin again. I was desperate

and thought that just one might help. It didn't and that is when the problem started! That along with the rubbish I

was feeding myself there is no wonder it is iffy! 

 

My consultant said that the op will make a huge difference because it will straighten my pelvis and level me up so

I won't have one leg 3 ins longer.  My body is twisted and there is pressure on muscles and bones. I will still have

pain from other stuff but it will ease a lot of the pain I have and may be able to walk further without so much pain

afterwards.  That is music to my ears but I am concerned about the drugs and the trauma on my nervous system.

I don't want withdrawal to get worse, I'd rather have the pain, but getting out and about on foot will help a lot so 

it's a tough call. 

[calithebold]

Hi mammaP, it hard when there are things that are conflicting and you're really not sure which is the lesser of evils. I had the option to get a nerve block in my lower spine to give me some pain relief but in the end I came to the decision that I couldn't risk getting injured in the process and they couldn't give me any guarantees with my spinal/back/neck problems, all they said was that it was a risk I had to take or not. Even though I have chronic pain, I realised that I have gotten used to mine to some extent because it's been lifelong and I'm on lyrica and it seems to help. I am allergic to opiates and anti-inflammatories hurt my belly so bad that I can't take them, its just paracetamol/Tylenol for me only and the very occasional valium. I really hope the hip surgery helps. My old boss had both her hips done and she is so much better for it. She has arthritis at a very young age. Her pain is so much less and she amazes me. I think once you know you're having it done and you can sit with that and have it feel alright and know it's what you want to do, then your inner turmoil might settle.

[mattinsmom]

I swear by my chiropractor. Is seeing someone who can help to get you into/keep you in alignment an option?

[btdt]

Thanks Amy, my gut is starting to settle down, I've gone pack to basics with meat and veg, meat stocks 

and have cut the grains. I remembered today that I took an aspirin a couple of weeks ago and I never take aspirin 

after I had a nasty stomach many years ago and the doctor told me never to take aspirin again. I was desperate

and thought that just one might help. It didn't and that is when the problem started! That along with the rubbish I

was feeding myself there is no wonder it is iffy! 

 

My consultant said that the op will make a huge difference because it will straighten my pelvis and level me up so

I won't have one leg 3 ins longer.  My body is twisted and there is pressure on muscles and bones. I will still have

pain from other stuff but it will ease a lot of the pain I have and may be able to walk further without so much pain

afterwards.  That is music to my ears but I am concerned about the drugs and the trauma on my nervous system.

I don't want withdrawal to get worse, I'd rather have the pain, but getting out and about on foot will help a lot so 

it's a tough call. 

I know it is a risk and maybe not worth the bother but I have had two surgeries suggested since I went cold turkey one weighed the options and said no the other was not something I could get out of forever and the longer it went the worse it would get so I did it. I decided to come out of the closet with everyone involved from docs nurses pre op everyone who handled my case I told them the trouble i had with drugs and how I am likely to react / over react to medications.  All the reactions I had in the past and what were the options and choices for pain control.  

I told them what I can and cannot take and it is a long list. I actually wrote it out and gave them a copy one to my gp too. 

I don't know what they really thought and I don't care the fact that I did it and covered all the bases I could to be as safe as possible was the important part. 

I am not saying you should do this but it is an idea if you decide to have the surgery.  Mine worked out ok eventually healing did take longer than expected. 

peace to you... 

[mattinsmom]

Hi there

1st free moment I've had to check in and I wanted to say hi. 

I hope that the change in your diet has alleviated your tummy troubles.  

[mammaP]

Hi there

1st free moment I've had to check in and I wanted to say hi. 

I hope that the change in your diet has alleviated your tummy troubles.  

Thanks Amy, my tummy is much better now I'm back on track. Should say almost back on track, I've had lunch out every day but one

for a week and finding good simple food in cafes is nigh on impossible, I've also been at my daughters for 3 days and they eat a lot of

carb rich food but somehow I did manage to keep it to a minimum.. My daughter keeps telling me off because I'm not eating enough and

losing too much weight but I don't want to be feeling yuck all the time and can't eat huge amounts. I was size 14 a year ago and now I'm

size 8 (us 6) . I don't mind so much but the family think I'm looking too thin and it worries them because I look like I did when I was seriously ill.

I am fine though and the weight loss has to be better for my joints, I just need to try and keep up the calories so I don't lose much more.

 

The last week has been a bit manic, here there and everywhere, and feeling pretty rotten too a lot of the time.  Being busy took my mind off 

the wave but there were times when I wanted to stop the world so I could get off. Insomnia was really bad again and the times I did sleep I

was woken up. One night was sleeping and the back light on the alarm clock didn't go off like it usually does and it woke me up when I turned

over. Then trying to turn it off I knocked a glass of water off the night stand and it smashed, water all over the plug socket  ! Didn't get back

to sleep after that. The last night I was sleeping at my daughter's and the phone rang at 2.15am, woke us all up including the littlest one

who was then very vocal the rest of the night. Just 2 nights I had a little sleep the rest of the week has been sleepless but the 2 hours I did get

last night have helped me to feel a bit better. It is amazing the difference that even a couple of hours good sleep can make. 

 

I hate the insomnia, it is the worst symptom for me I think, feeling exhausted and unable to function leads to doing nothing and not having the

energy or motivation to do anything. All I want to do is sleep but can't get off whatever I try. Thankfully my daughter has been driving me round

most of the time. It will pass, I know it will but it can be hard waiting. Sometime soon I will be sleeping in 2 hour naps day and night, then I will feel

a bit better and have a window again.  I cant wait! 

[mammaP]

Today is a bad day, I feel at rock bottom again. This is typical when I am active for a time, suddenly I crash.

Not just with the drugs, or withdrawal but it has always been this way for as long as I can remember.  Today

I am thoroughly exhausted and in tears.  I don't want to have to go to bed and recover, I want to be able to

keep going. It isn't even as if I did anything particularly energetic or stressful, just little things like get up and

dressed then go out for a couple of hours at the most.  The weather is as dull and grey as I am, completely

miserable.  I need to sleep, maybe today is the day I should sleep.  I feel guilty that I am still in pj's and 

slightly panicky, anxious about being lazy when I should be dressed and getting on with things.

 

How I would love to be able to sleep the whole night, even just 5 hours would be fantastic, every night.....

my daughter was really tired because she had only 5 hours sleep one night. She couldn't keep her eyes open.

I never get 5 hours and have to get by with broken sleep of an hour or so at a time. 90 minutes in one block

is good. It's always been like this, I have a theory, lots of them actually, but one I thought about recently. 

PTSD.  I need to do some research but when I was young I was frightened to sleep. I had a very traumatic 

experience when I was attacked and thought I was going to die. I was left for dead and after that was convinced

that is how I would die, I would be murdered. When I lived alone for the first time I was scared to go to sleep,

then one night someone in the same block was stabbed right outside my door.  He was ok after surgery but I

was even more afraid. When I had babies I had to protect them and dare not sleep when my husband was away

and he was away most of the week with work.  

 

I am not scared now, I feel safe where I live and don't feel the need to listen for every sound but I'm not sure my

brain knows that!  That is my theory at the moment. Withdrawal plays a part too but this isn't just now, this has been

forever. 

Right now I am going back to bed and hope that this is going to be the time when I sleep for 2 hours several times a day. 

[mattinsmom]

I"m sorry it is cruddy to be you today. Lack of sleep and the weather are two of my worst antagonists.

 

I think your PTSD theory holds a lot of weight. Your conscious mind might logically understand that you are not in danger but your subconscious will still carry the memories and the chemicals (my opinion, not science) until everything is processed and released. I am quite sure you have a bunch going on under the surface. Plus, dreaming is one of the ways that we make order of our lives. No sleep= no dreams=no order.

 

Hang in there. I know you know this, but this is temporary. You'll have another upswing. A window will open.