☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry. Packing places suck. There should be some level of consistency across the board and there simply isn't. Too many approximatelys for me. 

I know you'll figure it out, not that that helps with how you feel at the moment. 

 

Please don't underestimate the impact of moving. Like w/d it can be cumulative and it will take a while to get used to. I think that moving comes with its own set of windows and waves. And, you have been doing so much more lately. We both (all) know that lack of sleep heightens any effects we are experiencing. You are facing several whammies at the moment. I think you are doing a great job of maneuvering thru it all.

 

And I hear that it is a miserable and yucky experience. I honor the pain and frustration you are going thru right now.

 

(((HUGS))) 

[Littleredhead]

 

Hello Mamma P, I've been reading your diary (lurking) for months now.  I don't always sign in so I can just read as a guest.  I wanted to let you know that all of your writing has helped me a great deal with my WD.  Just reading and finding information from others has helped me to try new things, i.e., supplements, meditation type music, etc.  I stopped my poison at the end of January, and have so far, been able to cope with the WD symptoms.  The physical pain in my muscles has been the most difficult for me, but I refuse to take anymore drugs for the pain.  Of course my muscle aches are not anywhere near what you've endured, and I wanted to tell you what an inspiration you've been to me.  I still have my moments/days of feeling down or angry at the world, but at least I know where it is coming from thanks to this site and people like you who write as often as you do.  Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are one of my Hero's in life, because your writing is so full of positive words when I'm feeling like hammered kitty doo doo.  Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Love & Light to you,

Littleredhead

Thank you LRH,  If my experiences help someone else then it's worth sharing them. Sometimes I think I moan too

much on here! 

 

I have been away at my daughters for a few days then my 3 year old grandson came for a sleepover for the first time.

He was up at 5,15am, he is an early riser and full of energy so it's no surprise that I am now exhausted! It was worth it

though, he is a delight and is such a funny little thing. I love how they use their imagination to amuse themselves. A 

cardboard box became a 'tunnel' to crawl through and a blanket became a tent. The house is in chaos but what the heck!! 

He had a blast and so did grandma but oh it was sooooo good to see daddy pull up in the car to take him home  .

Nice long bath with lots of epsom salts and now ready to go to bed and it's only 9.45pm. Hopefully will get some good sleep

and then I will tackle the chaos that looks like a whirlwind has blown through the house 

 

Hello again, isn't it wonderful to be around grandkids?  My youngest is 6 years old, and a real little princess.  Went to my youngest son's home for dinner tonight and had a really nice time with my little princess.  She always makes me feel better.  Must be all their good energy.  So glad you got to spend some wonderful time with your little grandson.  I know what you mean about being glad to see daddy pull up in the car to take him home.  I got a little tired of dress up tonight and was glad when hubby said he was getting tired and wanted to go home.  We love to be with them, but it does tire one out they way they seem to be able to go on and on.  Wish I had that kind of energy sometimes.  Going off to take my epsom salt bath and then to bed.  Peace to you.

 

[mattinsmom]

mommaP

 

Missing you. Update please. You ok?

[btdt]

Hope your having too much fun to update  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP, I miss you too and hope you are too busy doing wonderful things and are feeling well.

[mammaP]

Aww thank you everyone, I am much better now. I get exhausted easily and had been doing 

quite a bit recently.  It caught up with me, and not sleeping never helps things!  The effexor 

beads changing size affected me quite a bit and I had bran zaps along with some of the usual

w/d stuff. I tried 3 large beads but had w/d so trying 3 large and 1 small. That seems to have

done the trick so will stick to that for a few weeks then go to 2 large and 2 small...........this is

going to take forever! 

 

I was seeing a CBT therapist before I moved. She was a psychiatric nurse and then started doing  CBT.

She was brilliant and really listened. I told her about my tapering and she was very impressed with

this forum, I don't know if she ever checked it out but she thought it was amazing that I had done so

well tapering effexor. She had never seen a patient taper effexor after such a long time on it.

Patients would end up in a terrible state and would be on it for life. One day I will be able to call her 

and tell her I have done it   . It would be interesting to know what feedback she gave to the psychiatrist 

who referred me to her 

 

I have to sort some things out for the yard sale next week, there are a lot of things that can go but need 

digging out. I am now car-less again for a few years days while my son in law finds me a smaller one, so will

use the time to sort some things out......hopefully 

[mattinsmom]

I'm so proud of you.

Just so you know.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am glad you posted an update today, I always worry when you aren't posting. Why will it take a few years to get a car? Is it not easy to find them where you are? I hope someone goes to the store for you.

[mammaP]

I'm so proud of you.

Just so you know.

Thanks Amy, proud of you too 

 

 

I am glad you posted an update today, I always worry when you aren't posting. Why will it take a few years to get a car? Is it not easy to find them where you are? I hope someone goes to the store for you.

This made me laugh out loud, should say a few days   A little typo and 1 wrong letter makes a massive difference! 

The car I had was on loan, my son in law has a business restoring and selling cars and has been looking out for the

right one for me.  It will be a few days until I get it because he will be checking it over and doing any repairs. I could 

have kept the one I borrowed but it is a big fast, classic old car and I don't need one so big now I'm a silver surfer 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh that is definitely better. I was thinking for some reason the cars were rationed or something where you were. I knew you had a car before you moved.

 

Silver surfer, I love it!

[tezza]

Hi mammaP,

 

I agree with mattinsmom, you've had too many whammies lately! You are right, not sleeping is a huge problem. Even back on meds, I sometimes still don't sleep well. It throws things out of kilter for everyone, I think.

 

I'm glad you are able to enjoy the grandchild! They bring happiness to me but they will wear you out, like you said.

 

I hope you've figured out your bead dosage by now, that sounds like a hassle!

 

Hugs and love,

T

[mammaP]

After my good day I was slammed with withdrawal again, or maybe over stimulated,

Not sure which but the last couple of days have been awful. Akathisia that had me

Wanting to scream. My whole body couldn't shut down and the pain was excruciating.

Felt really down and just wanted it all to stop. Stop the roller coaster I want to

get off please!

This morning my daughter came to take me for blood tests and knew something was

Wrong. I was crying when I tried to explain about the beads in my capsules throwing

Me off kilter. It sounded mad as I was saying it and I.m not sure if she really got

It. She brought me home with her for a couple of days so I'm not on my own.

 

I hate this, 4 tiny beads can wreak havoc and if I told a doctor they would think I

Was having an episode of paranoia.

I'm typing on the tablet which is a pain so hope the typos aren't too bad!

[mattinsmom]

????????

(((((H U G)))))

[WinningThrough]

Oh mammaP! I'm so sorry this has happened. How horrible to get slammed like this. How unfair that the beads have changed size. I hope things settle down for you very soon and you adjust. Take care.

[btdt]

After my good day I was slammed with withdrawal again, or maybe over stimulated,

Not sure which but the last couple of days have been awful. Akathisia that had me

Wanting to scream. My whole body couldn't shut down and the pain was excruciating.

Felt really down and just wanted it all to stop. Stop the roller coaster I want to

get off please!

This morning my daughter came to take me for blood tests and knew something was

Wrong. I was crying when I tried to explain about the beads in my capsules throwing

Me off kilter. It sounded mad as I was saying it and I.m not sure if she really got

It. She brought me home with her for a couple of days so I'm not on my own.

 

I hate this, 4 tiny beads can wreak havoc and if I told a doctor they would think I

Was having an episode of paranoia.

I'm typing on the tablet which is a pain so hope the typos aren't too bad!

So sorry to hear this then I think I have a couple of bottles of effexor yet... but no I tossed them how may people have tossed bottles full of the ones you need out... it is maddening to think of!  I wonder if you were to try a drug store that is not too busy if they would have the old Effexor still... also double check to make sure you not getting a generic as they changed me from brand name to generic once and I could not adjust... they did not even tell me just switched... it was only after I had a melt down with some luck on my side I noticed. Could ask every drug store to open a capsule and let you look at the beads but we know that will not happen. 

Did the change after you moved... I wonder if you old drug store where you use to live still has them.. could mail a script to a family member there and have them fill it. 

This is maddening that anyone has to got thru all this because people responsible will not listen!  Just makes me so angry... it is not right. 

So many things are not right... but still I we try to make the best of it.  I hope being with your daughter helps you feel better. 

I wish you peace

[mammaP]

It isn't new script BT, I had stopped collecting scripts when my doctor

Very reluctantly gave me liquid I had a reaction to. I had some packs

left with tapering. I opened the new pack and everything looks the same,

Same pack, leaflet etc but the capsule is a slightly different size, and

The beads are different. I could be feeling the cut I made with tramadol

A month ago, it was 5% and I've been fine with it but maybe that caught up

with me too.

 

Spaced and bit weepy today, no sleep last night at all and was up with the

wee one at 5am so mum could sleep, no point her getting up if I am awake.

Went back to bed when the rest of the family got up but only slept 90 mins.

My 15 year old grandson is coming next week and I haven't a clue what I will

Do with him, can't drive like this!

[tezza]

You are a GOOD grandmama! in you rough times, you are willing to be up with the little one, that's so sweet!

[lobster]

Good morning mammaP :-) I'm sorry things are going rough for you right now. Hopping things improve sending what positive thoughts I have to yah.

[btdt]

It isn't new script BT, I had stopped collecting scripts when my doctor

Very reluctantly gave me liquid I had a reaction to. I had some packs

left with tapering. I opened the new pack and everything looks the same,

Same pack, leaflet etc but the capsule is a slightly different size, and

The beads are different. I could be feeling the cut I made with tramadol

A month ago, it was 5% and I've been fine with it but maybe that caught up

with me too.

 

Spaced and bit weepy today, no sleep last night at all and was up with the

wee one at 5am so mum could sleep, no point her getting up if I am awake.

Went back to bed when the rest of the family got up but only slept 90 mins.

My 15 year old grandson is coming next week and I haven't a clue what I will

Do with him, can't drive like this!

I don't like that the beads are different.. and was thinking maybe a different pharmacy would have older stock.. even if they say the are the same you know they are not what your body is use to.  That is what I was meaning even if I did not say that. Tramadol reduction and a different sort of bead could be a double whammy. I don't have any other suggestions I know you are a survivor and trust your own personal resolve and grit to see you thru this now as I know you have been here before and I know you can do this.  Sometimes there is nothing like experience to tip the scale in your favour.

I wish you peace 

[Rhiannon]

Awww. mammaP, hope you are feeling better. I'm thinking of you.

 

It's really annoying (well actually criminal) that they vary those beads so that you are forced to deal with figuring out what your optimal dose is now.

 

If you don't feel good on the four beads maybe you should take five. I know it feels like failure to go up, but the fact is really you are on such a low dose now that if that's what you have to take to be okay, then maybe that's okay.

 

The level of drug in your bloodstream is low enough that most of your brain function is normal, if those charts that I keep telling everyone to look at are anything to go by. You're probably down to less than 10% receptor occupancy, so you've gotten 90% of your brain back to normal! Excellent!

 

I don't mean to be discouraging so please let me know if that's how I sound. It's just something that I think about myself, at my age and after so many years on these meds. I know there is a possibility that I won't be able to come all the way off everything. But I am so improved at these low doses that I am willing to accept that. If I have to take a half milligram of citalopram for the rest of my life, so be it. That is SO much better than taking 10 or 20 mg for the rest of my life!

 

I agree with your CBT therapist--what you have accomplished is amazing and liberating. Look at how you've freed yourself. 

 

It's just something to think about. Like I said, please don't take this as discouragement--I absolutely support you in getting all the way off those last four or five beads, and I know that you can. But don't let those beads blind you to what you have accomplished already in getting your life back, and don't let the withdrawal ruin the life that you have worked so hard to get back.

[MaryKA]

Awh, mammaP, that is just not fair, and it sounds very painful. I hope you have started to feel better this morning. {{{Hug}}}

[wilma78]

Big hugs mammap xx

[mattinsmom]

I'm just checking in on you. I hope that things are beginning to level out a little. 

 

What I've learned of your grandson, you'll be fine this weekend. I don't think he is looking to be entertained. I think he genuinely enjoys spending time with you.

 

Thoughts and prayers to you. 

[mammaP]

Thanks everyone, I am so fortunate to have you all behind me. 

 

It was another bad day today but feeling a bit better tonight.  Haven't done anything more

than what is essential for a couple of days. 

 

Awww. mammaP, hope you are feeling better. I'm thinking of you.

 

It's really annoying (well actually criminal) that they vary those beads so that you are forced to deal with figuring out what your optimal dose is now.

 

If you don't feel good on the four beads maybe you should take five. I know it feels like failure to go up, but the fact is really you are on such a low dose now that if that's what you have to take to be okay, then maybe that's okay.

 

The level of drug in your bloodstream is low enough that most of your brain function is normal, if those charts that I keep telling everyone to look at are anything to go by. You're probably down to less than 10% receptor occupancy, so you've gotten 90% of your brain back to normal! Excellent!

 

I don't mean to be discouraging so please let me know if that's how I sound. It's just something that I think about myself, at my age and after so many years on these meds. I know there is a possibility that I won't be able to come all the way off everything. But I am so improved at these low doses that I am willing to accept that. If I have to take a half milligram of citalopram for the rest of my life, so be it. That is SO much better than taking 10 or 20 mg for the rest of my life!

 

I agree with your CBT therapist--what you have accomplished is amazing and liberating. Look at how you've freed yourself. 

 

It's just something to think about. Like I said, please don't take this as discouragement--I absolutely support you in getting all the way off those last four or five beads, and I know that you can. But don't let those beads blind you to what you have accomplished already in getting your life back, and don't let the withdrawal ruin the life that you have worked so hard to get back.

I don't feel a bit discouraged Rhi, I really appreciate your input.  90% of my brain back sounds pretty good to me! 

The beads are bigger than I'm used to so had inadvertently updosed, but no idea how much. Too much can be as bad as 

not enough. I so wish I could have stuck with the liquid, it would have been much easier. 

 

I go to my daughter's again tomorrow and we'll be picking up my grandson on Monday. He is going to make over my garden

for me..........if he gets off his new ipad long enough!    Having him around will be a distraction that's for sure! 

 

I really appreciate all your comments and hugs, you are a great bunch of people   .

[mammaP]

I now have my grandson, and no car so he is bored already! He isn't complaining though, 

he's glued to his phone for now  .

 

Things have settled again now, just feeling a bit wiped out but that seems to be 'normal'  these days. 

 

When I had the runs a couple of weeks back I thought it might be too much magnesium so cut it for a few days.

I am normally constipated and thought the magnesium was working too well.  I had a routine bowel screen and

there is occult blood there so have to do a retest.  I really don't need another round of hospital tests and 

treatments so praying that the next one is clear. 

[btdt]

I am glad you have company car or not... and hope you get good results on your test. 

Settled is good enjoy you time with your grandson I am sure you will have a good visit 

peace

[mammaP]

Thanks BT, I am leaving for the appointment with my new GP and am so nervous. There are 

a few things to address, I need the referral to Ortho and hope the x rays show the damage. 

I am really nervous about them asking about my psych history and wanting to refer me to a psychiatrist

for my "serious mental illness"  ie rapid cycle  bi-polar.  I hope they don't tackle me about coming off meds,

I really do not feel like taking that on today but will if I have to. 

 

When that subject arises I will use it as an opportunity to educate them about ADs and withdrawal! Just don't 

feel I can do that successfully today, I may just end up ranting and then they will think I need meds. 

 

Praying for calm and power beyond normal to stay cool.  

[trouper]

good luck with all your tests! slowing my breaths down helps calm down my anxiety and "white coat syndrome" when they come at me with the bp cuff. sometimes i have to ask them to retake my bp and pulse at the end of the appt after i've calmed down.

 

i spent 10 talking to my oral surgeon yesterday about discontinuation syndrome and antibiotics, anesthesia, etc. a year and a half ago things were so much easier and filling out those forms were so much quicker. they usually don't ask too much about my mental health since they know I'm under the care of a psychiatrist. they know they would be over their heads with it and are grateful i see someone else.

 

i hope you feel better soon.

[mammaP]

Thanks Trouper, it went well at the surgery.  It was a young lady doctor, I like the young doctors, they are

eager to learn and not set in their ways.  My x rays showed concerns that didn't show in Scotland 3 months

ago and I am being referred to the specialist orthopedic centre. I should have a call within 2 weeks but have

no idea when I will get to see a consultant.  She wasn't aware of the bowel testing results, that is done routinely

and she will only get a letter if the repeat test flags up warnings. ( I didn't mention it either, there is enough

going on for now! ) 

 

She doesn't have my records yet so didn't ask about the psych meds or my mental health so that wasn't

mentioned either.  Phew!  She wanted to take my bp but I said it would be high because of white coat

syndrome so she left it at that.  Felt much better after that, very relieved. 

[MaryKA]

mammaP, I am glad it went so well with your doctor today. Maybe you will get some relief for your physical issues soon? 

I learnt recently that IBS is connected with serotonin receptors in the bowel, too many or too sensitive, I am not sure. I could feel my bowel rumbling when the WD from citalopram started kicking in. I believe you are not on an SSRI but the info helps.

 

Also when I was starting my WD I found myself babbling. It was like my tongue was loose and I could speak much quicker than I usually do, I could string sentences together with less of a pause. I knew what I was saying and I would say it again, but it was too quick for the listener. I managed to stop and I did apologise for coming out with too much stuff too quickly. (Unfortunately the other one couldn't respond to that, she was a very unempathetic person -- not my problem... )

 

I look forward to seeing your remodelled patio. Having a landlord that gives the OK is fantastic. My landlord set a spike for my rotary drier in cement the other week. I would have done it, I had his permission already, but I thought to ask him for a sledgehammer (at that time I thought that would be the way to get the spike in) and he just went all the way and did it for me. It has improved his property and I guess that he wanted to have it done properly (not at an angle :/ ), but he did it as soon as I had the spike so t'was a kind thing to do.

 

Enjoy your time with your grandson!

[trouper]

mammap,

glad it went well! i like the younger docs too, as they are fresh and up to date on the latest, but the older ones have more experience so its a toss up.  

 

glad you feel better and relieved.

[mattinsmom]

Yay! You made it!  

It is nice when the Universe steps in and helps a little with things like psych records not being available just yet.

 

Glad and sorry that your x-rays showed areas of concern. The validation when you know something is not right feels good but then there is the proof that something is not right which feels pretty yucky. Yucky is the medical term by the way

[btdt]

Thanks Trouper, it went well at the surgery.  It was a young lady doctor, I like the young doctors, they are

eager to learn and not set in their ways.  My x rays showed concerns that didn't show in Scotland 3 months

ago and I am being referred to the specialist orthopedic centre. I should have a call within 2 weeks but have

no idea when I will get to see a consultant.  She wasn't aware of the bowel testing results, that is done routinely

and she will only get a letter if the repeat test flags up warnings. ( I didn't mention it either, there is enough

going on for now! ) 

 

She doesn't have my records yet so didn't ask about the psych meds or my mental health so that wasn't

mentioned either.  Phew!  She wanted to take my bp but I said it would be high because of white coat

syndrome so she left it at that.  Felt much better after that, very relieved. 

All is well that ends well... and it seems like just enough got what you needed done and left the rest for another time.  I feel like this at doctors all the time there is so much going on I get to a point I know she is overwhelmed so we end up dealing with one thing only the most pressing... which is great most days for me lately. 

I think too we need those clearing out times where all gets addressed as a whole... like use to happen in the old days but does not seem to anymore. 

Lately I have been thinking young doctors are good for reasons you stated but mine for one tends to let things pile up till it gets messy she seems overwhelmed... times like that I would like a more experienced doctor. 

I have also noticed doctors lately look more at test results that bodies... I find that odd. 

That is my take on doctors for today tho you did not ask  

I am glad you got in and out with no problem and it went well enough.  Some days we get what we need. 

peace 

[mattinsmom]

How goes it with your grandson? Is he still visiting?

 

And you? How 'ya doin'?

[mammaP]

My grandson has gone home today after being with me for 2 weeks. It was lovely having him but he has worn me out! 

I forgot how hard 15 year old boys are, eating everything in sight and causing chaos in their wake!  Typical teen stuff,

except that he never stops talking, about anything and everything. Most teen boys just grunt when asked a question but

not this one, I couldn't keep up with him, my poor addled brain needs to recuperate  .

Now it is time for me to get some much needed sleep, if I can drop off to sleep. I bought some ear plugs and a sleep mask 

when we took him to the airport, so hopefully they will help. Catch up with everything in the morning  .

[trouper]

LOL i feel the same way when my dad leaves, then i miss him a day later. glad you had a nice visit.