☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[btdt]

I am glad you have wi fi. and made a post.

This is the place to moan if you feel the need... I do.  

Rest it will come in time you know that already.  

Better days are coming. 

peace to you... 

[mattinsmom]

Boy, I go away for a little while and you up and move!  

 

Congratulations. I am hearing that the transition has been, and continues to be, hard on you. Its a big change you made. Not just one change, many changes. I think that exhaustion is hindering your sleep, as odd as that might sound. Try to remember to be kind and understanding to yourself. Your world truly has turned topsy-turvy and its going to take a little bit to catch your breath. Watch your diet, that can mess you (anyone up) and set you up for more difficulties than necessary.

 

Squishy m&m hug to you.

[mammaP]

Thank you BT and Amy, still feeling wobbly but have been mentally assessing things and 

know that I have to get back on track with looking after my health. Being around lots of 

people for a few weeks then suddenly it is just me again in a strange place has hit me quite

hard. Then there's the food all those people have supplied me with. Not bad at all but just

not right for me and all things I enjoy! Now I need to get back on track with my diet and my

supplements. I bought some unbranded fish oil capsules online about a month ago  and I

think it was a mistake. My joint pain is much worse and the dizziness is quite bad too,

I can't drive like this and that isn't helping. I've now bought the same ones I had before 

hopefully they will make a difference.  

 

I'm going back to my new place in a couple of hours and will have no wifi again until it is

connected, I have no idea when that will be, I need to get brave and pick up the phone to find out! 

I just had a light bulb moment! I have some chairs arriving for the garden tomorrow and might

be able to get a signal with the dongle outside    . Watch this space 

[wulfgar]

Hi MammaP

 

You might try the poor mans dongle booster! Wrap/tape/glue tin foil half way round a plastic 2 liter bottle. Cut a hole in the bottom and put the dongle through. Try to suspend the dongle in the middle of the tin foil reflector. Use sawing thread or tape. Move this setup around your house, wait a few seconds for each move. Positioned optimally you usually get two or three extra reception lines. Might be enough to get reception in your house by one of your windows.

 

/Wulfgar

[mammaP]

Thanks for the tip Wulfgar,  ingenious!  I actually found an old dongle and put the sim in it,

it works taped to the top of a window so I can now sit at the laptop with a cable snaking

across the living room but who cares?   It can still be a bit iffy but is 100% better than

sitting in the upstairs window trying to catch a signal! It is very expensive to use so can't

sit on the computer all day but that is actually a good thing.......I think  .

 

I'm still struggling and feeling really down. Feel very unwell and very lonely here. When

I decided to come here it was because my grandsons are in school 15 minutes away and 

they were planning on moving closer to the school.  Yesterday they put an offer in for a 

house  that is 25 miles from here and will be moving the children to another school 

I can't help feeling devastated. For years they were asking me to move here and now

they are moving away.  Before I would come and stay with them for 2 weeks 3 times a

year  and it worked well. Now I will see them maybe once a week. 

 

I had plans for my new life, and now I can't do much at all I feel so ill.  I have a car outside

I can't drive, it's a big low slung thing that lads love but I'm an arthritic grandma who can

barely see over the steering wheel and struggle to get in and out of it.  My son in law has

lent it to me while he looks for something suitable for me.  He keeps bringing me performance

cars because that is his business and I keep sending them back. If I didn't feel so rotten I 

might actually enjoy cruising round the countryside in a flash car . Maybe tomorrow I will take

it for a spin  

This might sound silly but I'm considering taking some driving lessons!

 The roads here are completely different to what I'm used to, quiet country roads with no traffic

lights, motorways (freeways?) or roundabouts. Here the country roads are the same but I have to

drive into the towns and cities and just don't have the experience so frankly I'm terrified!  I've been 

driving for decades and rarely came across traffic lights. 

 

Tomorrow is another day.... hopefully it will be a better one.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am glad to see you are able to post again, mammaP. It surprised me how much I missed hearing from you. I am also surprised that I feel disappointed in your daughter for moving away. Just doesn't seem right somehow.

 

I hope this move turns out to be good for you and you can settle into a suitable routine for your life. Nit being bothered by fighting neighbors is a good thing, right? And is it still going to be a problem with the long hours of darkness> I am afraid I couldn't quite follow where you moved to, in relation to your old place. (And I'd have to search your thread). You are still in Scotland?

 

Anyway, glad to see you back. Maybe being here and chatting us up will help with the loneliness.

[mammaP]

Hi CW, I was in North Scotland now I'm in the south of England, I moved 600 miles

to be near my daughter!  It is so quiet here at night, no traffic, people or animals,

just silence. It is very peaceful at night. During the day it's quite a busy little street

but not as busy as the old place.  There is lots to explore when I feel better but I am 

missing the family that is still in Scotland, and the beach, and sunsets.

 I don't miss my old neighbours though, it is really good to be away from their fights!

 

I had my little grandson for a sleepover last week and it was lovely,  he said he likes 

my 'curly' stairs ( A twist in the middle) but doesn't like me living here because it is too

far away from his house and he wants me to live next door so they can see me every day 

I love their hugs, they love having grandma closer and coming to stay over, it's exciting

for them. And for me too ! 

 

I'll get used to it eventually, it's just a shock to my system after all the weeks of planning

and being with lots of people. Being on my own again has emphasised how lonely  and

isolated I have become. It was the same in Scotland really, but family and friends would

pop in  sometimes. I know no-one here except my daughter and her in-laws and they live 

too far away to pop in. I would not have taken this place if I had known they were moving

away. 

[mammaP]

I feel a bit more positive today, the sun is shining and I'm going to my daughters for dinner

later so something to look forward to. I have to add that my daughter moving further away 

is not a choice they have made lightly. They have a gorgeous young dog who is very much 

part of the family and now their landlord has said the dog has to go. There is no way they

are going to let her go but finding a rental that will take a dog is difficult. 

It's very unfair because they did ask permission to get the dog but the landlord is now 

saying the dog has to go. She isn't any trouble, doesn't bark a lot and isn't damaging

anything.  I'm devastated they are going further away but completely understand why

they are doing it. And I could always move again after 6 months if I want! Don't fancy

doing it all again but it isn't out of the question. 

 

I've booked some driving lessons starting next week to get experience on the major busy roads

and very tight, narrow village roads and car parks.   I have a crippling fear of having accidents

and it is much busier here than I am used to. Driving again will make a huge difference! 

[bubble]

Dear Mamma,

 

I know it's hard but what caught my attention are narrow country roads I know you will make it and we will imagine you driving through a fairy tale countryside

[mammaP]

I'm fine on the country roads Bubble, it's all I'm used to, but get into the little villages and

busy towns and cities and I'm a bundle of nerves!  The villages are centuries old with very narrow streets

and so busy it's unreal!   I actually did the drive to my daughter's this afternoon and it wasn't as bad as I

feared but she was sitting beside me.  I've just lost confidence but will get it back soon, then I'll be 

cruising the lanes in my son in laws cool classic Beema, sunroof open and sunnies on, lol. 

[mammaP]

I stayed here at my daughter's last night and feel fine today! No vertigo, no  palpitations

and no stress. We are all going to the circus now  and I am actually looking forward to it!

(No animals, can't cope with circus animals, it upsets me !) 

 

Then next week we are invited to a fancy dress barbeque. Not sure what I will be yet but 

the theme is dress in an outfit of what you wanted to be as a child.. 

Think I'll pass on the sequinned leotard but might try the 50's rock and roll 'grease' style

I longed to wear when I was older, only that look was well gone by the time I was old enough! 

 

Better go everyone is piling into the car!

[btdt]

Have fun

I know you will!

[mammaP]

Had a lovely weekend with family and new found friends.  Went to the local congregation yesterday

and was very warmly welcomed, I felt right at home immediately. It is a huge milestone for me and 

I was so very nervous but my daughter came along with me for the my meeting.  It is too far for

them to travel normally but she did it to hold my hand  .   I think I'm going to like it here now

I've met people who live on the same street and some who have mutual friends, I even met an old 

friend's mum, it's a small world! 

 

And the icing on the cake is that I now have the internet and wifi,  it is so good to be sat on my sofa

in comfort without having to hold a cable in place while trying to type! 

 

I am feeling much better but that wave was horrid and came at the wrong time.  A few days ago I 

was feeling so very low and suicidal again.  I felt very ill and convinced that this was it, I wasn't

ever going to get better and I'd been deluding myself believing otherwise.  

 

I felt faint a lot of the time, thoroughly exhausted and in terrible pain. I kept telling myself that this

will pass and although I'm still washed out and tired I feel much more positive. If I can get some 

real sleep it will make a huge difference. The insomnia was back in full force too with very little

sleep which never helps anyone! 

 

Now I need to catch up here, I've been away far too long!

[Narcissus]

Thanks for sharing your bright and dark spots with us mammaP, they're very human and moving, as always.  You seem like a lovely person, it saddens me that you've had to go through this whole twisted withdrawal experience.  Wishing you well.

[Narcissus]

Also, you mentioned in Tezza's thread that you were "chuffed" for her  .  Is this is a Britishism?

[mammaP]

Thank you for the lovely comments Nar.   . It's horrid that any of us have to go through this hell and

wish I could take it away from all !  

 

I sometimes forget that most people here don't know what I'm talking about, lol.  Chuffed is a british thing,

it means  really pleased and can be emphasised, as in.......chuffed to bits, or chuffed to little mint balls.

I often edit some sayings because they would seem totally weird to non Brits but some get through now

and again.  .

[Muddles]

Yay - sounds very positive. Chuffed for you!lol

 

Hopefully more sleep will come your way real soon. You've had a lot going on the past couple of months.

 

You will soon settle - I'm sure you already are.

[mammaP]

Thanks Muddles,  feeling rough today and went back to bed for a couple of hours this afternoon. 

It will pass but it's always disappointing when a window slams shut. 

[mammaP]

It is a year today since I posted my intro, I just noticed the date! And I am still on the 4 beads

of effexor.  I've now finished my taper from atenolol, I can't remember exactly when I stopped 

it, a couple of weeks ago I think  but I don't think there are any withdrawal effects from it.

It took 5 months and my BP is pretty stable, even through the stress of moving.  

The last few doses wre nothing more than a crumb, it would be great if ADs were so easy! 

 

The omeprazole was tapered too, but earlier this week I felt really ill, tired, dizzy, nausea, the 

usual wave stuff but also horrendous reflux so bad my throat was raw with the acid and I could

taste it. The heartburn was unbearable too and I was informed by my daughter that I was belching

noxious gas! ( Thanks for that sweetie  ) . I relented and took omeprazole until it settled and now

I'm back to healthy eating again. I hadn't realised how much 'forbidden' food had crept back in to

my diet. Not really bad stuff but grains, (wholegrain crackers), cheese and a bit of dairy. Oh and

popcorn, thinking it would be ok just plain. I haven't started omeprazole regularly again just those

2 days.  

That just leaves the tramadol to tackle along with the effexor. Not sure how to go about that one

so any suggestions would be appreciated from those who have already been successful at tapering

tramadol. All I can find online is places where people are using it recreationally and taking huge doses.

I take 100mg once a day in the evening, 

 

I went for my refresher driving lesson today and it went fine. The instructor said I am a good driver,

not scared of the road, good observation and car handling.  Today was just an assessment  and 

I will have just 2 more sessions. One in heavy traffic and one on motorways, that's it !! I was so

nervous and full of self doubt that I thought he might tell me I should give up driving. 

[btdt]

Hi Momma glad all is going well and you will be driving soon.  Driving adds such freedom to life.  

Seems things are moving along well for you very glad to hear it. 

Peace 

[mammaP]

Thanks BT, yes things are settling down and doing nicely.  The problems here have ironed out now 

and the stress of all the glitches should settle, hopefully there wont be any more.  

 

I'm feeling exhausted again today and a bit weepy again. It's such a lot of activity when was just stuck

at home all the time before I moved.  It is a bit difficult when I've been around people and come home 

to 4 walls and the telly, my creativity seems to have deserted me again and there is so much I want to do!

 

It will come back again, I just wish it would hurry up! I'm going to a fancy dress garden party tomorrow and 

had loads of ideas but couldn't put them together. I'm being picked up soon to go to my daughters for

the night and still can't decide what to wear!   Not looking forward to it one bit if I'm honest, but will probably

feel better for it, it will be such a laugh seeing what outfits everyone has come up with but the thought of all

those people is giving me the heeby jeebies! 

 

Watch this space, I might even put up a photo if I don't look anything like me  

[btdt]

There  have been times (many) in the withdrawal years where I have lost my love of people or large crowds as they over stimulate my system.  Before the accident I had last year I was once again able to handle that sort of social activity some of the time.  I was mostly shut in last year so have not tested it in awhile.  One thing I seem to need is an escape route just in case my own way to leave as a bit of insurance. Just in case you were looking for ideas.  

I hope you have a marvelous time and make some new friends. I am not sure but think an English garden party calls for a hat... as long as you have a hat you will fit in I hope you have one. 

Peace Momma.

[mammaP]

The party was great, I left very early and went to put my little grandson to bed, that gave me just the

excuse I needed to bow out gracefully when I had enough. I enjoyed the time I was there though and

went as a 60's hippy, in other words, just as me but with a bandana   .

 

I have my 5 years old grandson here for a sleepover, he slept in my bed and is a wriggler so not much

sleep last night! Now we are going to go through old photos and make a 'special book' of pictures of mummy

growing up. 

[mammaP]

Today I went out on my own for the first time since moving here a month ago! ( Apart from a short stroll to the post box) 

I went to the garden centre, bought a plant and a frame for it to climb up. Then went to get fuel for the car.  I did ok

and didn't panic or get stressed!  Most mornings I feel suicidal, the thought of filling another day is just too much 

but 2 days ago I actually felt a slight shiver of excitement about starting the day! I was shocked because I can't even

remember feeling like that for a long time.  Then my daughter came with the children and one of them stayed overnight.

We made cake and did arty stuff with glue and sequins.  He went home yesterday and I was all in but happy, 

And today I didn't feel suicidal, I went out, then I had another driving refresher lesson. My instructor said 1 more then

he is divorcing me because I am more than capable and just need to believe in myself.  To think that I was considering

giving up driving altogether and hand back my licence! 

 

I just read another thread and realised that I finished the atenolol a few weeks ago and wonder if that is why I feel much

better again, or maybe it's just a window. I've started to taper the tramadol now, and hope I get it right. I've nothing to go on

except other sites where people are taking very high doses and tapering over a few weeks. I don't know how I will be with the

pain but will hopefully cope with alternative pain relief.  I removed 1/3 of one capsule the last 2 days, and will do that for

another couple of weeks to see how it goes.  Then I will be completely drug free! 

[WinningThrough]

That's brilliant MammaP! The cake and arty stuff sounds fun! Great about the driving.

[mammaP]

That's brilliant MammaP! The cake and arty stuff sounds fun! Great about the driving.

It WAS fun, I love getting down and messy with the kids. He even wrote a note to

mummy saying he had a lovely messy day with grandma  .

 

I think my memory has deserted me, I said I would be drug free once the tramadol taper is

finished but that is far from the truth because I will still have to finish the effexor taper!  Feel 

a bit deflated now I've remembered but maybe it's a good thing that it isn't dominating my life

any more and I actually FORGOT about it for a little while! 

[areyouthere]

I'm so very, very happy for this wonderful window. Your post really made me understand what :window" really means here. MammaP , through your window you can see the life you deserve in its most beautiful fashion.

 

Thank you for that delightful insight and as such I am equally as delighted for you.

 

RU 

[btdt]

 

That's brilliant MammaP! The cake and arty stuff sounds fun! Great about the driving.

It WAS fun, I love getting down and messy with the kids. He even wrote a note to

mummy saying he had a lovely messy day with grandma  .

 

I think my memory has deserted me, I said I would be drug free once the tramadol taper is

finished but that is far from the truth because I will still have to finish the effexor taper!  Feel 

a bit deflated now I've remembered but maybe it's a good thing that it isn't dominating my life

any more and I actually FORGOT about it for a little while! 

 

For me atenolol was a bad go took one 25mg that one pill threw me for a wk or more. I am glad your off of it.  That one scares me more than effexor ( I can say that now that I know I will never take it again)  but I know we are all different. I was reading your drug list at the bottom I know you said you will be drug free after effexor just double checking on the Omeprazole...prilosec odd how we have taken so many of the same drugs... I reacted badly to that one too. 

Glad your driving find and excited about starting your days again. 

I am thinking maybe I would be more excited by life if I had managed to be less financially insecure I spent all my money trying to live thru withdrawal... I had no safety net and hit the ground hard.  Poverty does not suit me I don't think... tho I do try to make the best of it. 

It sounds like your having a very positive experience in your new home I am very happy for you.

[MaryKA]

it isn't dominating my life any more and I actually FORGOT about it for a little while! 

 

Hiya mammaP!  LOL, I've been 'lurking' and keeping up with your diary and I had to laugh at this with your last post

 

You're doing OK, you know? A new social life is hard to orchestrate ( ).  And as you know, I did the same move as you, from and to the same parts of the country, and the busyness of the roads where we are now could be daunting in theory, but thank God not in practice! BTW, I want to take a refresher course, just to find out what I'm good at and not so good at ... I've just got to organise it .... It is so good to read that you've organised your own refresher course

 

Lots of love and I'll be in touch soon to see if we can meet up again. I've been busy the first three weekends here ... but nothing planned for this weekend

Mary

[Fireball2014]

So happy about your recent progress!  You give hope to us all! 

[mammaP]

 

it isn't dominating my life any more and I actually FORGOT about it for a little while! 

 

Hiya mammaP!  LOL, I've been 'lurking' and keeping up with your diary and I had to laugh at this with your last post

 

You're doing OK, you know? A new social life is hard to orchestrate ( ).  And as you know, I did the same move as you, from and to the same parts of the country, and the busyness of the roads where we are now could be daunting in theory, but thank God not in practice! BTW, I want to take a refresher course, just to find out what I'm good at and not so good at ... I've just got to organise it .... It is so good to read that you've organised your own refresher course

 

Lots of love and I'll be in touch soon to see if we can meet up again. I've been busy the first three weekends here ... but nothing planned for this weekend

Mary

 

Hi Mary, it's great to 'see' you   I've been thinking about you and wondering how your move went, we will definitely have to catch up again

soon. I have my last lesson on Saturday when I'll be going on the busiest and most difficult roads in the next city! Apparently I am more than capable and just need to believe in myself. It's just what I needed to hear and I would recommend that refresher course.  Saturday is my last one and I'm on my own after that!

 

I hops you are settling in to your new place and the job is going well for you. Can't wait to hear all about it  . 

 

 

So happy about your recent progress!  You give hope to us all! 

Thank you Fireball, glad I can give you hope. It's been quite a roller coaster ride but thankfully levelling a bit now.

 

Today I'm feeling a bit fragile and can feel withdrawal but thinking it is possibly the tramadol. Not so much brain zaps 

but similar, sweating, feel fluey and the runs too  .  It has been quite hectic so probably need to rest up a bit too. 

Sunday I went to my local hall for the Sunday meeting, on my own! That is a HUGE step for me, I haven't done that

for years, maybe 7 or 8!! I was very nervous but it was fine, I was welcomed warmly and had ea and cake after.  

Monday had a visit from new friends I met there, then went to my daughters and stayed overnight to help out.  

 

Today has been a non starter and have done nothing, up very late and playing games  . I am going to have a bath,

get into my jamas and watch some tv for a while cuddled up with a blankie.  After reading other threads I am going to give

myself the mothering I missed out on and look after myself like I looked after my kids when they were poorly . 

[Rhiannon]

Hi there my surfing buddy!

 

I'm glad you mention the tramadol...I was concerned you might be tapering it too fast. Just keep an eye on it. Tramadol has some neurotransmitter effects similar to psych drugs (well, the same as psych drugs actually). I think it maybe works the same as an SSRI to some extent...? Not sure, not going to research it now because I would just be Googling it which you can do if you want. 

 

Just, be aware that it needs to be tapered as cautiously as anything else, and if you're having withdrawal symptoms, please stop and hold for a while. We want our mammaP to be okay!

[mammaP]

Thanks Rhi, that is most helpul. I googled tapering tramadol and only found places where people were

tapering huge amounts very quickly after using recreationally. The 'official' sites that give tapering advice for all drugs 

say 2-3 weeks which we all know is rubbish so this is pretty much guesswork! Capsules have  large and small 

sections. I take off the small section and level the large bit off.  It would be 1/3 MAX from 1 capsule. Not exactly sure of

the amount but it is very consistent unlike the blinking effexor beads!   I think I will start to make a liquid and make the next cut tiny

but will hold for now. Since my last post I've developed a sore throat so maybe the 'fluey' feeling is actually a cold caught from

my increasing exposure to bug bearing human beings  !  

[wulfgar]

Those bug bearing humans (aka Bugbears) are up to no good! They attacked MB just the other day! Send a mail to UKIP, they can probably take care of those...

[mattinsmom]

Hello mommaP

 

Oh it has been too long. So many changes for you. I see some are most excellent and some have brought a few bumps. You are making it tho. 

 

I am not at all surprised that you have needed the other day to catch up. I believe you said you re-read some of your thread but I think you might consider giving it another look-see as if it were someone else's thread. The changes you've made are huge and the activities you are partaking in are such leaps. You would be proud of any of us, remember to be proud of you. Moving, driving, meeting new people, going to outings alone (alone!!!), and nurturing yourself. Big stuff happening there. 

 

You remain one of my heroes.

[MaryKA]

Hello mommaP

 

Oh it has been too long. So many changes for you. I see some are most excellent and some have brought a few bumps. You are making it tho. 

 

I am not at all surprised that you have needed the other day to catch up. I believe you said you re-read some of your thread but I think you might consider giving it another look-see as if it were someone else's thread. The changes you've made are huge and the activities you are partaking in are such leaps. You would be proud of any of us, remember to be proud of you. Moving, driving, meeting new people, going to outings alone (alone!!!), and nurturing yourself. Big stuff happening there. 

 

You remain one of my heroes.

Hear, hear, bravo!!!