☼ Hello. mammaP checking in!

[mattinsmom]

Just dropping in to say hello. I have kept up on your house/moving journey but haven't been able to respond. Still can't except to say that I am happy that things are coming together for you.

[mammaP]

Thanks Amy I appreciate your input, it's lovely of you to pop in when you are feeling so low. 

I hope you start to feel better very soon. 

 

I need to speak to people BT, there are things that I need to discuss and I so wish I could use your method.

I would use email if I could but some things just need to be explained.  I went to bed exhausted this afternoon and

actually slept, really slept, for 2 hours and woke up after the offices were closed! How about that then? My brain

would rather sleep than make a phone call when normally my brain would rather do anything but sleep! 

 

I did make one of my calls, to tell my landlord I am leaving. I was so anxious and was having a full blown panic

attack with the phone in my hand.  I practised breathing, calmed down and dialled the number. I don't think I

drew a breath waiting for them to pick up and my heart did a back flip when it was actually picked up.

It was ridiculous because he was lovely ( as I knew he would be ) and told me to take as long as I need, I can even

leave as soon as I want with no penalty for not seeing out the statutory notice period.  

 

I felt great after I put the phone down,like a huge load had been lifted. 

I felt so good after speaking to the landlord I could have tackled the others no problem but it was too late.

 Tomorrow I shall tackle the bureaucrats   ! 

[Jemima]

I'm so happy for you, MammaP! 

[bubble]

you are doing it

[btdt]

Glad you slept more important that calls anyway

[mammaP]

Still didn't sort out the bureaucrats!  I suddenly realised that this place is literally making me sick!

When I am away I am much better and thought it was just because I am doing something.

This morning I woke up with  a heavy head and stuffed up sinuses, like my head was full of cotton wool.

Everywhere hurts and so so tired. I thought about life before I moved here and remembered that my 

allergies had been much better, then I came here. When I am at my daughters I am much better. 

 

I have carpets right through this flat, and I had wood floors in my old house. My daughter has wood

floors too. It is so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it before!  The carpets here are 40 years

old too, rubber backed and the rubber is no doubt disintegrating and coming up through the fibres. 

The vac needs emptying every time it is used because it is so full of dust and the whole place is done

thoroughly once a week. I think I'll be much better when I have moved from here for many reasons! 

[Rhiannon]

Hi MammaP, sounds like lots of excitement and work and things happening--I know change can be intense, but it sounds to me like once you get settled it's going to be significantly better for you. So glad you got the place you wanted, so glad you finally got a bit of sleep. Just keep going one day and one step at a time and before you know it you'll be in your new place and getting settled. You're an inspiration to me, I want to move away from here and often doubt I have the strength, so I'm going to think of you!

[Wolfhound]

Just stopping here to say hello and I am so happy for the exciting times that are before you! Hope you feel good today and sending greetings. W.

[Nikki]

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

Following every sunset is a brand new day

 

Mama P in speaking with my daughter this morning she told me I can do this (taper) and that the drugs are the problem.

 

In your signature you say you felt better and better with each drop.  I remember Rhi saying this too a long time back.

 

Can you talk about that.  My fear is that it is going to be hell again.  My mind is taking me down the road of 'here we go years of hell' in trying to get off this stuff.'

 

Did you stick to 10%?  I am concerned that I may have to stick to less than 10%....

 

Thanks and so happy for this lovely change in your living arrangements and life......Good move:)

 

As always Hugs

[mammaP]

Thank you Rhi and WH. I'm having a bit of a wobble today with the "what if's" . My family are all

rallying round and it is a whirl of activity. Everyone wants to help and help is very much needed and appreciated

but I am having to fight my corner with some things! My son is telling me what to take and what to throw away. 

If he had his way I would take a suitcase, throw everything into landfill and start again! New start he says, well I 

LIKE my battered old cupboard and am NOT going to throw it away and buy something made from dodgy

unhealthy processed from  sawdust and glue from Swedish (no name mentioned   ) superstores!! 

 

Even if I had the money, which I haven't, I would not do that!  Rant over.  He is really thinking about making the 

move as stress free as it can be but doesn't realise he's adding to the stress. I have 40 years of family life to 

go through and decide what to keep. Some things are staying with me whether they match the decor or not  !

 

 

Hi MammaP, sounds like lots of excitement and work and things happening--I know change can be intense, but it sounds to me like once you get settled it's going to be significantly better for you. So glad you got the place you wanted, so glad you finally got a bit of sleep. Just keep going one day and one step at a time and before you know it you'll be in your new place and getting settled. You're an inspiration to me, I want to move away from here and often doubt I have the strength, so I'm going to think of you!

 

I knew I had to move from here for lots of reasons or I would end up depressed and I do not want to go there again!

It had to be done but it isn't all down to me and my own strength!  I have a strong faith and believe that I have been

given power beyond normal to do it, plus family and friends who are behind me every step .

Making the decision is hardest, or rather, sticking to a decision. I find it easy to make

decisions but even easier to change it 10 minutes later! 

  I do believe that we should do what we can to change a situation that is bad for us if it is at all possible.

 It's worth it in the end but there is no way I could have done this while in a bad wave and I'm glad you advised me

against cutting to 2 beads, that would have been a disaster!!  

[Nikki]

If he had his way I would take a suitcase, throw everything into landfil

 

I was laughing out loud

[mammaP]

If he had his way I would take a suitcase, throw everything into landfil

 

I was laughing out loud

Me too Nikki, after I calmed down !!  BTW the suitcase went to the charity shop yesterday . 

 

I have to report that at last I am sleeping better  !  I was taking my magnesium at night then about a week

ago I checked the bottle and the vit D I thought was in it turned out to be B6   . I started taking it in the mornings

instead and started to sleep a bit better and ordered mag glycinate  without anything added. 

Last night I fell asleep before the light went off ( light dims down over 30 minutes) . I woke up a few times but

didn't look at the times and was awake at 6am so probably had about 4 hours in total which is amazing for me.

I got up and instead of sitting down for breakfast before getting dressed I got dressed and went straight out for

breakfast. Then went to the DIY store for staples to upholster a tiny footstool for my great grandaughter  and 

also found some pretty wrapping paper to cover my many boxes of craft stuff that will be on open shelves 

in the new house. 

 

Today is good, who would have thought that  just switching the mag would make such a difference?  I will 

be much more careful with reading labels from now on ! It makes such a huge difference to get some sleep

as all you insomniacs know! 

[Wolfhound]

Great news about the sleep!

I hope everythingis fine for you this week-end....

a.

[mammaP]

It is 3.30am and I am so wound up! My grandson was staying here for the weekend,

parents are divorced and both were going away so I agreed to have my grandson here.

He stays here a lot and we get on great.  He went out this afternoon and didn't come back.

I tried his phone, no reply and thought he'd lost track of time. It got later and later and I

tried his dad who he lives with, then tried his brother and sister who live with mum and

couldn't get hold of any of them. Eventually at 1am I called the police. He has done this

before with his parents but never with me and I was worried by that time. 

 

The police came and took details, looked at his computer then went away to look for him.

Then they came back to tell me that dad was at home but hadn't seen his son.  I 

looked at the officer  in disbelief, he was supposed to be away for the weekend! 

They went away again and came back to tell me they had found my grandson at his mum's!

She was supposed to be away for the weekend too!!  

 

I don't know what to make of it  and am annoyed that no-one told me what they were doing,

He was my responsibility and I was worried sick, he's 14 and all kinds of things were going

through my mind!  Everyone was sleeping except me, and I had the police out looking for him.

I must have looked like an idiot  .  At least he's safe, and now I can go to bed. 

Sorry for the rant 

[mammaP]

No sleep after last night. I am absolutely exhausted and still annoyed and upset. 

Am I overreacting?  I want to cry and constantly blinking back tears.  I feel used and 

trodden on.  I love my grandson very much and it isn't really him that I am angry with.

He is upset because I'm moving, this has always been his 'bolt hole' that he could

come to when he got stressed.  He told me he didn't want me to move and said he

would do anything to stop me.  Maybe he was punishing me in some way, I 

understand that.  

 

It's his dad I am angry with. I have so much to do and having a teenager around just

adds to it. I love him to the moon and back but he is a typical teenager who leaves 

chaos behind him, uses every dish and leaves them under the bed, eats everything

in sight and unlike most teenagers who just grunt now and again he never stops talking.

 It is hard work and I can't get anything done. I don't even mind him staying, not a bit,

but they were supposed to be going away and they didn't.  That's what has upset me.

 

And of course I was worried sick, I had a feeling that he was ok and just being a PIta 

because of moving but all kinds of scenarios were coming to mind. 

When I was 14 I was walking home one evening and was grabbed from behind and

raped at knifepoint.  I kept thinking that it could have happened to him and he could be 

in distress or badly hurt. He goes to the harbour and could have fallen into the sea. 

And no-one took my calls, now MUM is annoyed with me because I got the police out 

and they knocked on her door at 2am.  How was I to know he was there when she was

supposed to be away too! There is no communication whatsoever. 

 

Can you tell I'm just a teensy bit uptight? 

[moodyblues78]

Sounds like you are having a lot to deal with right now. Who would not be feeling like that in your situation?

 

You have the right to feel like you do so don`t blame yourself or try to fight it. These feelings will pass

 

Anyway this is just my honest opinion and I wanted to say hi to you. So...Hi! 

 

MB

[Wolfhound]

• MammaP, you are not overreacting. I would react the same way and I would be dead from fear....I believe you are upset and you have right to be so...especially in your situation!w.

[EternalOptimist]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now with your family and that past trauma has resurfaced causing

Current concerns in addition. That's a lot to manage. No surprise you are uptight. Sounds like a big dose of compassion for yourself

Is warranted right now. Go easy on yourself , if u can, even if fam can't/don't understand . My 2 cents worth.

Hug

[mammaP]

The episode with my grandson knocked me off balance and I've been feeling ill since. 

No sleep again, the insomnia is back and I'm trying to get on with packing. My grandaughter

came to help today and we got all the glassware, knick-knacks and  books packed. I still

don't have a set date because I'm waiting for the transport to be arranged. 

Every day I want to just get on with it and go. I'm tired, crabby and listless. I need sleep

and hope I can get some tonight. I had a some good nights with 3-4 hours and felt so

much better for it. Now I'm back to an hour. I'm scared that I'll hit a wave and not be able to see it through. 

 

Sorry I'm not much help right now, but I'll be back, I read and can't always make sense

of what I'm reading, it's stress and exhaustion but hopefully that will pass again soon.

I will be back, in the meantime take care everyone. x 

[Petunia]

You are dealing with a lot of stress, moving house can be overwhelming.  I honestly don't know how you manage on so little sleep.  What happened with your grandson was frightening, you don't need the added worry.  I hope that when you get moved, your life will improve and be more supportive of healing and recovery.

 

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and get settled into your new home, it sounds nice.

 

(hugs)

[wulfgar]

Im so sorry for the scare you went through! I got an adrenaline surge from reading your post. Its so hard to get the fight/flight system to calm down afterwards. It takes me several days. You did the right thing calling the police. I suggest you crank up the ego knob a bit right now, to get energy flowing your way. You find the knob next to the "enough is enough" button. Might want to press that one to.

Hope things settle soon!

[bubble]

Thank you for worrying about us here in the midst of all this!

 

And thank you for sharing this experience. It will help me a lot in similar situations.

 

Just take all the time you need for yourself. They didn't treat you rught. And you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

 

Big hug and a hope for more sleep!

[mammaP]

Thanks everyone.  I'm having a mini meltdown today, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed.

I am not getting dressed beause I can't be bothered  . 

 

It is like a tube station here with people coming and going, all wanting to hear my news and wanting

to help but not getting much done. I love everyone to pieces and will miss them all when I've moved.

I know they will miss me too but right now I have to stay focused on what needs to be done. I still

have calls to make and need to be on the ball and alert. Yesterday I had a shower, got dressed,

and fixed my hair because even though it's just phone calls it's easier when I am in the positive and

assertive mindset so I dressed as if I would be there in person. I charged my phones and got all the

numbers together along with a pad and pen to jot down notes.  Sat down to get started and the

doorbell rang. My very best friends had arrived to take away some stuff and of course stayed for 

coffee and a chat. 

 

That was the end of that!! Most people would just pick up the phone and make the calls, it would be

done in 10 minutes, but for me it is a huge challenge. After my friends had left there was no energy

left in me and couldn't even think.  I hate what those drugs have done to me, pre meds I was very 

capable and could organise most things and sometimes I feel like I am never going to be like that

again. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed so can't see beyond the pain I am in today. 

 

I've told my family I need to be away from here ASAP. It's being dragged out waiting for other people 

and I just need to get to the new house and get settled so I can start to recover.  

My cleaning lady is coming soon and she will make the place organised and peaceful, she is a treasure

and I will miss her!  Later I will get my magnesium bath then thread some beads to relax. 

[Nikki]

MP

 

Moving is draining.  There is alot to get done.  Have you ever seen the lists of life's stressors?  Moving is up there in the 1 to 5 list.

 

When anything comes along while under the influence of tapering it is so much more daunting and anxiety producing.  the good news is you are doing it.  It is going to happen and eventually you will be settled in.  It might help if you say to yourself, by the end of Spring I will be all done and settled in.

 

It takes guts to do what you are doing during the taper....

[mattinsmom]

I would have absolutely lost my sh** if either of my boys weren't where I expected them to be. It is a huge rule in this house. Its not a matter of being over-protective (tho I am) it is simply respect. I understand why you are angry with your son and I think it is perfectly ok for you to tell your grandson he needs to be more responsible. He's 14 and I am sure he knows how to use a phone. I do understand, as you know, how hard it can be with teens. 

 

Nikki is on point with the life stressors list. Moving is huge. So is going through 40-years worth of memories. Allow yourself some slack. Treat yourself the same way you would any one of us who were trying to move right now. You know you would be kind, gentle, and understanding.  

[mammaP]

Today is a bad day, I feel so stressed and don't know how to deal with it. It feels like

every nerve in my body is tense and screaming. 

 

The good thing is that I made the most important calls. One of them was a nightmare

just as I expected, I didn't get anywhere and have to do it again. All calls to this company

go through a call centre, usually I can't understand them and they can't understand me 

Apparently I kept answering their questions wrong but they couldn't tell me which answers  

were wrong.  And I have to do it all over again .

People were in and out, one came and stayed until she could see I was in a bad way then left.

At least she could see I was struggling and left me to it.  It was so hard to sit making small talk

when I feel so bad.  

 

And now the neighbours are shouting and smashing things. I am going to go for a little walk  to 

blow the cobwebs away and hopefully calm down. 

 

I move in 2 weeks, it feels better now I have a timescale to work to. 

[mammaP]

I am so stressed now with the moving. I am exhausted and my stomach is in a permanent knot.

Last night when I went to take my meds  I tipped out a capsule into my hand to get my beads 

and got the overwhelming urge to swallow the lot.  It took my breath away because it was like

deja vu. That is exactly what happened over 20 years ago when I entered the psych system.

I was stressed and exhausted and went to get a sleeping pill. I shook the bottle and they all fell

out. In a moment of impulse I swallowed the lot and went to sleep. There was no thought of

dying, I just needed sleep. 

 

Now I am feeling just the same stress as I did then. Things are not going well, everything is now

going wrong, and I don't know how I am going to cope.  Everything was falling into place and now

it's all up in the air.  I had a timescale and now I don't, all I have is sometime after the 22nd. 

I'm at my wits end.  I have an appointment with my psychologist who believes I have bi-polar, I can't

cry or show the strain or she will see it as a red flag.  She knows I am moving and this will be my

last session, she was already concerned about my moving because of the chance of stress 

triggering an episode.  But I need help, practical help that she could get for me.  

[mammaP]

I have 2 temazepam, I am too scared to try one it is many years since I had a benzo.

 

Would it help or would it make things worse with rebound anxiety?  

 

That is a stupid question!! That is exactly the thinking that got most of us here in this mess!

" Just something to ease the stress for now " !

Scratch that question, I just put my mod hat on! 

[Nikki]

MamaP  Moving Is Stressful......read that again

 

this makes you Human.....read that again

 

No one here is supposed to judge you.  And even if that happened, you need to do what is best for you.

 

Rebounding depression happens to me from a benzo.  And now it is anxiety also. 

 

The good news is that you are moving and this will be done with shortly.  Think about a few weeks from now, being settled in  your new home....it should put a smile on your face....

[mammaP]

Thanks Nikki. I felt much better after seeing my therapist and talking things through. 

Everything started to go wrong but when I was talking about it the reality became clear. It is 

not that bad. I am a bit worried that I considered a benzo for even a second! I wouldn't have

taken one, it was a bit like the suicidal thoughts that can pop up sometimes. It was here, then

it went. They are my daughters temazepam, she left them here one day and will be taking

them back, so no chance of being tempted again! 

[mattinsmom]

Oh, mammaP - {{{hug}}}

 

Nikki called it, you are human. I read the manual once and it says that by being human you are therefore required to make mistakes.  Did you think about falling back on meds as a crutch? Yup. But you remembered why you don't want to use them and you stuck to your decision. Kuddos.  

 

Moving is hard. Uncertainty of schedule is hard. Having to make important calls is hard. Having to make any call is hard. Not being understood id hard. Not being able to answer questions is hard. Visiting is hard. Being powerless to stop the violence next door is hard. Your plate is full. Overwhelmed makes complete sense. 

 

mommaP, congratulate yourself for persevering. You found your way through. We all fall down. You got back up. Yay you! 

[MaryKA]

mammaP

 

It's been a long time since I was last here and I've caught up a little bit on what's happening for you right now. I am so glad you have come to a decision on where to move and I am sure it is the right decision.

 

Moving is stressful, remember that and do not beat yourself up because you are feeling the stress. My heart goes out to you. There's so much to do physically, and then there's all the emotional stuff of looking backwards and looking forwards, it's a complete whirlwind. Things will get better, and soon, and then you WILL be in a better place.

 

Keep going, you know you're doing the right thing and you are not doing anything wrong.

 

BIG HUG

[mammaP]

Thanks Amy, put like that it isn't surprising that I'm stressed to the max!! 

 

Hi Mary, it's lovely to 'see' you again. It will be good to catch up with your news! 

 

It's been one of those days today when I seem to be doing a lot but getting nothing done! 

 

My grandaughter came and I had to tell her that she wouldn't be able to come and live with me 

in the new place.  .   And I have to tell my sister that neither my nephew or niece can move in either. 

I love them all very, very much but I think I would rather stay being a favourite auntie and grandma who

is seen occasionally, than be the boring old woman that they would see if they lived with me! I couldn't

keep up with the action!! 

[mammaP]

Feeling very tired and spaced out, a bit light headed and not sleeping again. 

I hope this isn't a wave on it's way, I do not want a wave right now 

[mindquest]

Hey mammaP - sorry to hear about your troubles!

I gather from this thread that you are moving. I haven't yet read enough to tell if you're already moving or just planning to, but could the tirednesss and lightheadedness be from exhaustion?

I too hope that it's not a wave. Or that if it is, you are able to handle it. Good luck.

[Meimeiquest]

Moving with more work than energy is SO hard. I am the kind of person that does better thinking about crises in advance....so what am I going to do if I can't get it all done? This always involves spending money for me, but having an idea keeps me from losing too much energy over "how am I going to get this all done!" Wish we could all come help!