☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[Petunia]

I read back through my own thread earlier today, including some posts you made and I realized that a lot of the time, when I read things, my mind latches onto certain details, possibly relating to issues which are more relevant to me at the time and I completely miss other things.

 

Something I missed was your explanation of why certain activities like reading about enlightenment and meditation can cause that thing where we understand something cognitively, then think we are actually experiencing it, called 'spiritual bypassing' I think.  Then there was a part I missed where you admitted to using fantasizing about a future enlightened state to avoid dealing with whatever was going on right now.

 

Now I'm seeing this on your own thread, caused in part by a link I posted and now I understand what you were writing about.  It just went right over my head at the time.

I came across one person's experience about her initial difficulties. She wrote this:

 

 

I had really been struggling with a creative aspect on a project at work, and a brilliant solution unfolded as effortlessly as breathing.

 

Oh wow, wish this would happen for me. Sigh. It was enough encouragement though for me to dutifully do my 30 minute sit,

 

This is what I've figured out about meditation, mostly through episodes of just falling into it through very little motivation on my own part.

 

Its one of those paradoxical activities where you have to give something up before you get it, and there's no way around it.  Its in the giving it up, that the getting occurs.

 

Its really difficult to explain, but once you get it, you've got it, not that its always easy to do.

 

If you are 'meditating' to get to some imagined future state, then you are not meditating.  Meditating is letting go completely of stuff that happened already and stuff which may or may not happen in the future and being completely that which is the current reality.  Not thinking about it, but experiencing it.  If thoughts about it do come up, and they do, the skill to learn here is to quickly recognize that a thought has just arisen, that its not a true part of the current reality and to let it go.  Its a part of reality in that its a thought and it came up, but the content of that thought isn't real, that's the tricky part, recognizing the thought, not getting caught up in the content and then letting it go.

 

You wrote "At some point during it I could feel my heartbeat very strongly and it was distracting"

 

This is where the confusion is.  Your heartbeat wasn't a distraction from your meditation, it was the subject of your practice at that moment.  That was the current reality for you, but there was a misidentification or a judgement or something about it which, from habit I guess, caused you to fall out of the moment and project yourself into a future where strong heart beats dont exist, and that, then became the impossible purpose of meditation, rather than the real function of it, which is to cease our incessant jumping around in the past and future in our minds and be in the only reality, which ever actually exists.... right now, with whatever flavor it brings.

 

Try this:

 

Just sit.  Or lay, or stand or walk, or whatever works best and then for an amount of time you decide, allow whatever sensations arise, to exist.  Pleasant or unpleasant, including the sensation of an elevated heart beat.  In fact, welcome it, just for the purpose of using it for your practice.

 

The next time you 'feel your heartbeat very strongly', become your heartbeat, let it completely fill your awareness until nothing else exists.  Don't think about it, let the experience of it fill your entire body and mind until there is nothing in existence but a beating heart.... then you will be meditating and then, in that moment, you will know its true gift..... and maybe a 'brilliant solution will unfold' and maybe it wont, but it will no longer matter because in that moment, everything will be perfect and once you get the hang of it, then the ability to meditate and experience a taste of peace will become available to you, easier and easier.  But every time, it always has to be had in the one, immediate moment and a 'giving up' of all else has to happen first, there's just no way around it. 

 

I suppose this is where trust or faith comes in.  Like a kind of sacrifice with no guarantee of anything in return.  We take a leap of faith and sacrifice what we think we are, our sense of identity based on memories from the past and imagination of a future,  and allow reality to arise out of the space which is the present moment.

 

.....I was going to write more, but its gone.  I hope this makes sense and helps in some way.

 

Are you going to get tested for AAA?  Is there a test for it, and treatment?

 

 

 

 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

It was clear in my mind that I had gotten a 'brilliant solution' but I guess I didn't write it well. The place I reached up and touched during the meditation was the area just below my breastbone, that's where I felt the thumping, and that's how I got the flash of insight, because of the action towards the 'distraction'. It is sore there when I press and both sides of my lower ribs are sore too. Years of wearing underwire bras, slouching and digging those wires inwards to a numb body. Body is not so numb now, sitting up as straight as I can has opened up my chest and abdominal area and that is why I think I am feeling the sensation now (and because I am more 'present in my body as a result of awareness). The point I was getting at (for me) is that I had confused the 'thumping' sensation with heart palpitations - they are not the same - and the inderal the doc gave me calmed everything down and gave me an unsettling sensation of being wrapped in cotton from the inside, especially my limbs, something that greatly increased my feeling of unease which I cannot accurately describe, only that it felt awful. I think he gave it to me partly because it is used for anxiety and my blood pressure in the office sometimes runs high, but not when I take it at home.

 

I could get an abdominal ultrasound I'm sure that would tell me if there is anything to be alarmed about. But not just yet. If I feel the inderal will help, that is if the sensation causes me great anxiety, I might try a quarter of a tab. The doc is only trying to help and it's a good drug for that very condition. I am not anti-drug, I just can't cope right now with the psychological effects of the physical sensation it gave me.

 

Thank you for your excellent instruction on using the sensation as a part of practice. I know I 'ignore' it a great deal. As a beginning meditator I do not know what the heck I am doing. My 'goal' of awakening or even of relief of 'depression seems impossible from where I sit. My constant mental refrain is: "it's too hard and I'll never get there", everything about life seems too hard for me right now.

 

The term 'spiritual bypassing' was something I heard in a dharma talk on intro to meditation. It referred to using the practice only when the going gets rough or just once a week during the class. I extended it to me wanting to have something dramatic to get me out of my ugly life, my life of depression, crying, apathy, demotivation, distraction, anxiety. Those states occur every day along with peace at times, maybe a little contentment and a willingness to just be for a bit. I am starting to see the changing thought states and how they never maintain a fixed intensity or length. But most of the time I am terrified of my thoughts, especially the anxious ones. Afraid that I will 'fall into' depression like I did before. I think the meditation practice might be unhooking that some. Since I can have no certainty of the future I can only keep doing it and see what happens.

[Meimeiquest]

Hi CB, I decided to start a beta-blocker for sudden high blood pressure from benzo pseudo-withdrawal. Alto said I would have to taper it when I'm done. Smallest dose helped, next step up turned me into a wet noodle, so back to smaller dose. I just wonder if you might want to consider tapering versus as needed dosing. My chest goes crazy as well when I'm "short" of medicine. But also don't want to give you false reassurance. Alto recommended acupuncture but I ca't afford that.

[Petunia]

Hi CW,

Haven't seen you on for a few days, how are you doing?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Petu and Meimei,

 

I come here every day and read new posts but just can't seem to write anything. Meimei, I only took the 2 doses of inderal and because I could not handle how it made me feel, I have not taken any more. The thumping in my mid abdomen is only intermittent and when I am sitting quietly, I can feel it is most pronounced when my heart skips beats. Since I am not going to take the med I will just have to let it be. I have no other symptoms than that.

 

I have been struggling with anxiety (a feeling of clenching in my gut) and bouts of crying. I have a mental image of clawing my way through the days and have frequent thoughts of wondering what is wrong with me and if it will pass. My mind is chasing its tail with worry... why am I not hungry? Why do I feel this way? Am I losing my mind? I stare at piles of stuff and get even more upset because I just do not want to tackle straightening it up. Everywhere I turn I am faced with 'me' and I want to distract myself and can't. I tried again to watch some yootoob vids of funny cats and just felt dead inside.

 

For the 3rd week in a row I walked into the meditation class last night and started crying again. It seems to build up all week (the anxiety) and by Saturdays I find I need to take a hydroxy for some kind of relief. Then I get there and it bursts out. Last week she walked out of the room and left me there to compose myself. This week, she took me outside to walk the church grounds and told me to rapidfire name whatever I laid my eyes on. It was weird that I could see things but not get the names out quickly, like I was having to translate from a foreign language. But it worked. She says I am getting caught in thought loops. I know that is true and then I also know I am beating myself up for being this way.

 

I caught a cold a couple of days ago, first one in many years. Nose all stuffed up mainly. Motivation level is zero. I have too much of the 'wrong' kind of awareness. I am very aware of what I do not like about myself.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Today I had an episode of the same sort of thing that brought me to this site earlier in the year - a peculiar kind of DP/DR. I found myself faced with a situation I did not understand and and I lost my whole feeling of 'myself'. I wish I could explain it better than that...... It scared me badly. My thinking and perceptions are distorted. A lady I know was telling me about her friend getting his thumb amputated because of an infection and though I didn't show it I was horrified inside, like it had happened to me and I could feel the loss of it. That's a pale description, I know. My emotions are a little dulled at the moment as I have taken some of my hydroxy. I managed to get through a whole day of anxiety yesterday without bursting into tears and was quite proud of myself, didn't take any meds. But today I just couldn't take it. The not eating, no appetite is scaring me too. I don't want any psych meds for 'derealization' and I am not depressed, just terrified inside. Nothing feels right. I have not even been able to read most of the threads here, it is scaring me too much - I can feel too much of what is being said.

 

The situation that threw me for a loop had to do with a computer and a website problem. It was not until a few hours later that I found out the cause of it, I would never have figured it out myself. Too complicated to explain here. But being in the middle of something that made no earthly sense turned my world upside down with me in it. Combined with the high anxiety, I felt lost in a world I had no way of figuring out.

 

I am definitely curtailing my meditation practice, something is just not right. It is either neuro emotion or I've uncovered something that scares me. Something I cannot articulate. I wish everyone here well. I am going to struggle with this in silence for I don't really know what to say.

[mammaP]

I just typed out a long post here then deleted it because it made no sense whatsoever, lol. 

So just sending a squishy mamma hug instead. Hope you are feeling better today. xx

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Awww thanks mammaP for the ((hug))!

 

It has slowly dawned on me (and after talking to a few friends) that what may be causing such upset with me mentally may be because I am physically sick. Last Thur/Fri I started developing a cold. Mostly a stuffy head with a dry cough. I dutifully stayed in bed through Wednesday, doing some (what I thought) was light reading by J Krisnamurti interspersed with a few naps and solitaire. Last night (after the computer thing) I was a panicky mess inside. Off and on the panic feeling hits me and hits really hard, in the pit of my stomach.

 

Today at my girl's meeting, I had a hard time concentrating and was feeling in extreme flight mode. At the same time I realized my face was hurting and I had to take my glasses off. One of the girls noticed my left eye looked funny. Sure enough, my lid was drooped down and my eyebrow is arched all of the way up. I had complained that I could feel a pain in my head behind my eye when I moved it a certain way. Someone finally told me that that is what infected sinuses feel like. All these years, I have never had such a thing happen. I never thought you could get blocked sinuses without your nose being stuffed up too. It has not been stuffed since Tuesday but now I have pain on the whole area around my left eye and I look funny.

 

It makes me think that this illness may be why my emotions feel so distorted the last few days but could it also explain why I felt so anxious off and on for the last few weeks? I admit that my eyes start to glaze over when I attempt to read anything to do with 'serotonin uptake regulation'. But if this is what it feels like when emotions and neurotransmitter receptors are out of whack like it is said they are when AD's are stopped (in my case very abruptly) then this is a bit more understandable. Since it coincided  (or occurred shortly after starting meditation) I may be blaming it on the meditation and not for what it really is, a disordered feeling state in a nervous system that is not in balance yet.

 

I have no clue what I am talking about anymore and even less of a clue what to do about it except wait and keep forcing myself to eat and move around and take the hydroxy when I feel very close to losing it. So I felt like this in the spring and then I felt better and then I felt worse. Each time I start feeling better it is not like I am feeling my 'normal self', I feel so different from any self I've known before. My memories of self are muddied by the depressions and antidepressants I took. I have to rely on my friends to tell me what they can about how they think I am coping. One friend can really see when I am barely hanging on and she has been calling me almost daily to see how I am feeling.

 

The crying has stopped, I don't feel the compulsion to cry when I feel overwhelmed inside for the second day in a row. I have been able to understand the computer problems I am faced with but there was one today where I couldn't figure anything out so I had to call the company. That can't really be fixed until tomorrow on their end so I could let it go and not think or worry about it. I was able to configure a mail account in Outlook, made a few goofs but figured it out in the end and didn't 'lose' it. (Email accounts are not that easy to do but I remembered what to try). So my mind is tracking well but it has an unreal feeling about it, like I am looking from the outside. I am only describing these things because I have seen other people describe the same things that are now happening to me which I never understood when I read them. But these people changed, I changed before and so I know I will again. It's the getting through it that is the problem. My inner feelings are not appropriate to the situation - I feel alarmed inside when hearing mundane conversations as well as more serious things like that person who had to have his thumb amputated.

 

So as I sit here and think about what I have written it seems to me that things like no appetite, meditation, getting a cold/sinus problem may not have any real relation to how I 'feel' inside. They are not causes of anything, they are just things that are happening while my nervous system is 'recovering'. At least that is what I hope is happening...... none of us really knows until a great deal of time has passed and then we generally see a lot of it in hindsight. One day we realize we are feeling better. Or if not better, different, not like we were feeling before.

 

This evening I remembered an odd technique from a post on beyondmeds and something I also read about somewhere else. The lady talked about 'leaning' into a feeling, trying to make it stronger and really FEEL it and what that does to the feeling. Or rather you start to see how the feeling isn't constant. So instead of trying to ignore the flutters in my stomach and pushing my thoughts away I have been trying to push hard to get the feeling to intensify. There is an imperceptible tightening there in my gut, my anxious feeling is actually in an area above my belly button and that is where it tightens. As soon as I try to lean into it it stops and my thoughts stop too because I am concentrating on a physical spot instead of my mind chatter. The attempt of 'pushing' does the stopping.

 

I am having to do it quite frequently this evening because the fluttery feeling is coming often. I don't know what it does exactly but I have been able to do some reading on ars technica without alarm bells going off in my head. Has anyone ever been able to try this and did you have the same kind of result? I am going to try to find the link on giak's site and post it so you can read what I am talking about.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Ok, so here's the post which kind of describes what I am talking about, what I call the 'leaning in' she calls embracing it fully:

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2009/01/25/how-i-deal-with-mental-breakdowns/

 

I cannot recall where I read of the technique (if there was one) about trying to magnify sensations. Just being mindful of any sensation allows one to see it is not a constant state. Even pain ebbs and flows.

[Petunia]

My inner feelings are not appropriate to the situation - I feel alarmed inside when hearing mundane conversations as well as more serious things like that person who had to have his thumb amputated.

 

 

I've noticed this about myself too.  I went through a stage where just hearing human voices talking about anything would increase my symptoms.  It was like this about a year ago, much better now.  Its probably part of withdrawal, I seem to remember reading a post on beyond meds where she mentions something similar.

 

Yesterday, I almost replied to your post, then changed my mind.  Later in the day, I almost sent you a link about meditation from beyondmeds, but changed my mind.  Now it seems that you have worked through some things.

 

The only way I've been able to get through this withdrawal experience, which for me, seems to have triggered more, is to face the uncomfortable sensations, not try and distract from them.  Its not that I haven't tried, it just hasn't worked, so I tend to agree with the method talked about in that link you posted (above).

 

I wish there was more help available and clear, well trodden paths, but it seems we all have to make our own path, never being sure where we are heading until we get there.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I wish there was more help available and clear, well trodden paths, but it seems we all have to make our own path, never being sure where we are heading until we get there.

 

Yes, that is the problem right there: no clear paths. And the reason is, everyone is different (i.e. 'unique', an overused but not fully appreciated word). For us here, the path for dealing with depression, grief, anxiety (I have no experience with 'psychosis') was clearly marked as "It's time for medication". Then when that train jumped the track (in my case) I found out that now it is starting to be recognized that the med track doesn't work as well as it should (the dis-eases aren't really cured, they are just changed in their expression) and now I and others are  on the 'recovery path from psych meds'). I think the track or path is more like a field, we're all wandering around in different fields. I'll have to leave it at that because I can't write any more just now.

 

I'm glad you posted something, anything, Petu. Just being noticed and spoken to is valuable in itself.

 

You would not believe what I saw in the mirror this morning. Now the swelling has reached the inner corner of my eye. I made it a point to not lay on that side last night and maybe that was not the right idea, who knows. People mentioned getting antibiotics and that brought up all kinds of very scary thoughts about what some people in withdrawal go through when they take them.

[mammaP]

Sinusitis is terrible, I had problems with it for years and know the pain and how sick you can get with it. 

Personally I would risk antibiotics if I got it so bad again, it went on for a long time before treatment.

I have it mildly at the moment but will try steam with menthol first, it isn't so bad just a nuisance but yours

sounds awful. I hope it gets better soon for you, I know how horrid and painful it can be .

[tezza]

Hi CW, I'm sorry, I must have missed something (possibly wasn't saved in my hard (head) drive) but when did your eye begin to swell? Do you know what's wrong wit it?

 

I'm sorry you've been having such an awful time. Bless your heart, it's much worse to be physically sick when your CNS is still unsteady. The sicknesses seem to aggravate each other, to me.

 

I hope you feel better real soon. I'm sending a prayer up, now, for you.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Tezza,

 

Maybe I didn't write about it here, I can't remember who I told and when...

 

The head cold started last weekend, seemed to get better and didn't need the nasal spray at night to breathe Tues night. Somewhere in there felt pain behind my left eye when I moved it around and glasses hurt my face. Yesterday I looked in mirror and saw my left eyelid drooping at the outer corner. This morning the whole lid is swollen. I am sure I've had sinus headaches in the past, just not this swelling. The pain is probably intense, I am just not really registering it. Or maybe it is not. So hard to tell when my emotions don't make much sense.

 

I remembered that vistaril/atarax/hydroxy is an antihistamine so I have decided to just take it every 6 hours or so and see if it helps. I get a calming effect from it when my emotional state is really upset. So I am used to how it feels as opposed to the initial doses of inderal which caused a great deal of anxiety. In sitting quietly in meditation I was able to determine that the 'thudding' I was feeling in my body was actually partially due to my heartbeat being irregular. It is not a regular occurrence though and I am leaving it alone for now.

 

Some search I did today reminded me that this head cold may have been precipitated by the windows being open after a long summer of 24/7 air conditioning. Poor nutrition due to lack of appetite, not being able to use my usual distractions (like crafts), reading too much about meditation and buddhism, and withdrawal have combined to put me into the 'squirrel-ies'. I'll just have to get through the days somehow.

 

Thanks for your concern and reply!

[tezza]

You're welcome, I hope you feel better soon!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh for pete's sake.....

 

I came back here to mention what happened yesterday when the swelling happened and see now that my thread has become a 'hot' topic. I think the threshold is the number of replies has been reached. Over 300. Oh wow....

 

At the house where the girl's meeting was yesterday, when I walked in I smelled an air freshener, one of those things in the electrical outlet. I stopped using those (in fact stopped using perfumes, scented lotions and spritzers) some time ago, My disturbed sinuses probable reacted to that odor by swelling up. Since that hasn't happened before, I really don't see it as being any reason to run screaming from anyone's house if the use them, just not while I am having sinus problems.

 

Since this is the first cold I have gotten since getting off meds, why shouldn't my body be overreacting? Meds (and the no-med state after meds) are unique to each person. So here's my unique experience which turns out to be similar what other people have gone through. I am going to try the route of not running to the doc for antibiotics (because I don't think they are indicated for this) and primarily because they might make my emotional state much worse.

 

I just finished inhaling the steam from a pot of water with a towel covering my head. The heat on my face felt great. I'd never have thought of it because I have been breathing fine through my nose. I took a squirt of nasal spray in just my left nostril yesterday thinking it would help. It might have made the swelling worse once it wore off. So no more of that. I'll see what happens and we all know what is probably going to happen, I'll recover no matter what I do. And then it will be along to the next 'thing' in life.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

AD withdrawal must be making me stupid or something.....

 

I went to the Dr. after my volunteer job this afternoon because my eye started swelling again. For pete's sake, I have a cold AND a probable ALLERGY, the two just happened to come at the same time. Sinus inflammation is usually felt as a tightness over the eyes and at the cheek bones and because the sinuses are cavities in the hard bones of the skull, problems with them cannot cause an external swelling and the pain is felt bilaterally. I only have the swelling around one eye. Since I have no way of knowing what I may have come in contact with it will remain a mystery. I am now getting a loose chest cough which usually means to me that my sinuses are draining at night and getting into my lungs (well, not really but my head colds always migrate to bronchitis). I have not had a cold for so many years that I forgot to start taking an antihistamine to prevent the chest congestion.

 

I told the doc about my unfortunate reaction to the inderal but he still wanted me to take it because my BP at the office was high again. I told him why (I coughed and the tech and I were talking so the cuff reset itself and pumped up higher and that hard pinching always causes me to get tense). I'll have to take readings at home again and this time take them in to him so he can see it is normal. But if I ever decide to take the inderal he said it was ok to cut the tablet in half. He agreed that my explanation about feeling my aortic pulse (not palpitations) was right on the mark.

 

How did I ever get through nursing school? I feel like I have forgotten so much about normal human physiology.

 

I was reading a thread here and someone's description made better sense. What I have referred to as 'anxiety' is more of a feeling of 'horror'. Hearing about things or thinking about stuff should not result in a feeling of horror because I am not looking at horror inducing content. Just listening to a normal conversation has been having that effect. So I have both going on at the same time, I get anxious for some reason (anxious thoughts about the future, say) and then I hear people talk or I try to talk and I have feelings of 'horror'. No matter how you look at it, the feelings are out of order, I'm in a wave of uncomfortable feeling and reaction.

 

I am just glad I don't have to take any more pills right now. He said to take the hydroxy more, it will help with whatever allergy has happened to my face. But not AB's, thank goodness.

[Nikki]

Cymbalta...for the last few days my eyes have been bothering me.  Felt like Pink Eye, but not pink eye.  The wind has been kicking up here alot and Florida is the allergy capital of the universe.  I happen to have Cipro Eye Drops and I used them for one night and it went away.

 

I had learned from Attacking Anxiety and Depression Program that the horror is rooted in anxiety.  It is anxiety that has taken a turn.

Try to put a rubber band around your wrist or a stretch bracelet and when this symptom comes on snap the band or play with it on your wrist.  I am telling you it works.  It stops the head games.......

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Nikki,

 

I am not sure what to make of this eye thing - it feels tonight as though I have been punched in the eye. My lid is still very swollen, my eyebrow is stretched upwards again and the eye socket hurts too. Where my glasses rest is causing pain and my scalp is tingly, as though there is a lot of pressure inside. I've got water heating for a warm compress, took my pills and am just waiting. The anxiety/dread is down but I am very much keeping a rein on my thoughts. I will definitely look for a rubber band tomorrow and try your suggestion.

 

If this is an allergy, it is an allergic reaction on steroids. What in the world is going on???? So odd it is only in one eye.

[btdt]

I certainly wouldn't advise you to go back on Cymbalta after all this time just to taper off more slowly, but it probably would have been a lot easier to do it that way back in October if you had had the choice.I'm also still in recovery following a too fast taper from Lexapro in the fall of 2011. The really nasty stuff is behind me now at almost seventeen months out, the major remaining problems being some anxiety, pessimism, and emotional numbness. What kinds of symptoms are you having?

 

Thanks for the note, Alto. Yes, the neuro emotions and maybe the uncovering of the depression I feel I have always had. Major symptom always crying. The 2 probably co-exist and in the absence of anything concrete to DO, I have decided in most cases to refrain from doing much of anything I habitually do. The anhedonia and apathy situation actually may be a helpful thing. I'm finding those states are changeable, not 'rock bottom' or complete..Even the crying is different. When not accompanied by rumination (I'm too tired to ruminate), just changing my focus to whatever (like in that case, just an attention to the mechanics of grooming a dog) it just stopped. When I was all done, I asked the client if she wanted me back in 2 wks or never wanted to see me again, she said of course! See you in 2 weeks! I think there is something to be said for me just shutting up in a non-angry, non resentful, non figuring out of a way to get even over what she said. I like the way that experience felt and worked out. Next time it hits out of the blue (or even when it may happen due to it being a coping mechanism of mine), I'll see if I may be able to just side track it. All the while not focusing too much on it.Thanks for supporting me!

Sorry for being so far behind but I am starting at the start and you are the only other person I have seen who had head drops besides me... am I right in thinking your head dropped and did not go back up for an extended time and that is why they put you on the snri?  I had the high bp too top # 200 at times but never at the doctor.. they put me on a bp med for awhile... can't recall the name just now.  Had a foot drag too... some other things too bad my posts at pp are gone or I could tell you exactly.  Whatever water under the bridge now. The neurologist thought MS when that came back as no but had something in the white matter... forget what they were called too... later I will tell ya.  I had been on effexor 7 years and celexa for part of that time had quit the celexa before I seen him quite awhile before. He tried to move me to cymblata I asked the shrink he said no.. these two docs would not talk.. in the mean time I quit Effexor.  Tried the cymblata could not do it don't recall why tried to go back on E could not do that either... everythng made me really ill.  So been off it all 7 years this month. 

My head drops would come out of the blue and I could get it back up sometimes had to rest first.  

Very interesting will now go back and read some more. Just had to say hi and that I had that too maybe not exactly like you tho. 

peace to you.

[btdt]

Thanks Nikki!

 

I back for my June rollup report on the results of my recent 'experiments'.

 

justdoit.jpg

 

Taped to the back of my modemrouter, right in front of my chair, can't miss it!

 

Did well with my walking/jogging for about a week, then slacked off due to the weather. When I was able to get out, I put the cat in a basket I have set up on the back of my bike and did laps around the complex. He loved it, I struggled to build up my strength (he's a whopping 20 lbs!). After a 3 lap day, I was way too sore the next morning so I knocked off for a day then the rains started. Though I haven't gotten back to the routine, I know I will so I am not worried about missing a week. The new shoes are heaven!!!

 

Went to the Dr., got a 12 lead EKG and serum B12 done. Since they only call if the results are 'not good' and I have not heard from them, I'm good to go. He was very encouraging about the exercise and carefully noted all of the supplements I'm taking (he puts all the stuff in a laptop). My BP was in the high range and he suggested I could take HCTZ (look it up) and I said I would consider it only after I monitored my BP at home for several weeks. I have 'white coat hypertension', especially when the tech pumps the cuff up to 200mg mercury, the pain causes the BP to rise. So I have checked it at home and it is normal. Anything 140/90 and above is considered hypertension nowadays so it bears watching.

 

So here's where it gets weird. I had been taking my supplements erratically until I told him about them and so I took them religiously after my visit. My palpitations became nearly constant and I wondered what was up. The multivits contain 200 percent of the RDA for vit D3 (as cholecalciferol) and the omega3 250 percent. So I was effectively overdosing (for me) on an oil soluble vitamin which is very dangerous. The omegas contain D and E to stabilize the oil so nearly all formulations of quality contain them. And nearly all supplements contain D now since sunscreen use has decreased our body's ability to get D from sunlight. A source suggested optimal doses of vit D are obtained from a 10 minute exposure to the sun between 10a-2p four times a week. So I am off the 2 supplements until further notice. I think I noted that amounts in excess of 2500 IU D3 daily are not recommended but this is I am sure dependent on a fully functioning liver, proper diet, exercise and water intake. My liver may not be functioning optimally and I think that is why I have been having headaches daily for about a week as I wait for the D to be metabolized out of my system. I also read something about a link between magnesium and D so I have been taking my powdered mg at the full 81 percent RDA dose. Supplements are NOT benign!

 

More later....

Can't take D3 at rda after 3 days I can't sleep and have extreme anxiety... d3 and calcium like prescribed... gave me a pounding heart and wild blinding lights around my eyes... never took it again.. do I have to say that... so did the just the D3... D is low on test... but I can't do it... 

Specialist and I do not agree did 24 hr urine test... started D3 could not do the entire month like she said... so did 3 days had some time off it then 3 days as that was the best I could do.. did 4days of D3 just before the last 24 hr urning collection... back at the specialist my D was lower than before I ever took a supplement... all she said is take a higher dose the 400 whatevers a day rda is not enough... 

she seems to ignore the insomnia and anxiety issues...

So I ignore her and get on with my life another one bites the dust... 

I don't know if it is my face or if they can read my mind or how I word my interjections... but I have fallen out of grace with so many doctors at this point... 

it is becoming predictable. 

next....

[btdt]

 

 I can't even remember the 'me' I was when I read through some of the postings I made this week.

 

I get this experience a lot, and even when I read back through my personal journal.  Its like......'who wrote that?'

 

ok three confirms it lol... haha now what. ?

[btdt]

Petu,

 

My mind is way beyond 'messed up' right now. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I wrote what you quoted. I just now noticed that 'quotes' have the date and time of their origin. Duh! But in reading back to find it, I am struck by how little sense my writing makes to me and I wrote the stuff! There is no good reason for me to continue posting here at SA. I have no physical symptoms, I am not taking any meds, I don't 'feel' depressed. I am trying to change to 'thinking' and behavior problems that I have had all of my life so I DON'T get depressed again. It just occurred to me that I am getting a boost to my already overly large ego at times and at other times relief that what I am going through does not mean that I am crazy, others have had that happen too. I do not think it is appropriate to continue to post my 'inner transformation' experiences. I need to shut up about it.

 

I do not completely understand the urge I have to log on, read posts in other threads, check my thread for responses, and then write stuff. When I have occasion to read some of it again, I am struck by how nonsensical it is and inappropriate for this forum.

 

I fear it is an 'ego' thing. I do not like that one bit.

Your in the right place doing what works for you talking to others who have the same thing as you or at least an ear to hear you is a great place to be.  I have been on sites like this a long time and just like you I was writing...and or reading to save my life.  I seriously don't know where I would be now without other people and a place to write ... be it nonsense or something else.. I too did a ton of searching for the cure answer I understand wanting to get beyond this state... I truly do.  While there are no magic answers there is one thing that I have found works... 

other people... who get it works and every now and then in places like this you will see the sky open up and somebody will be saved... One day it was me.  Yep hokey as it sounds ... embarrassed as maybe I should be to say such a thing I am not ...not in the least because I have seen this magic and I now trust it to reach where it needs to be when it needs to be there. 

We all help each other we learn we teach.. we grasp what we can that day we share information... some times it helps us feel a bit more normal or at least not alone in the odd symptoms we encounter trying to heal our bodies minds and souls. 

I am glad you found this place and it has been interesting to read you posts.  What started as a head drop connection has become a need to research connection  

I don't think it is ego that keeps you coming back here not at all it community a place to fit... I think that is what it is for all of us.  I for one am glad you here I wish I had found your thread earlier but I have had some setbacks in knowing how to work the site.. it happens again peace to you... think I have to stop here for tonight but will be back to finish reading.  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Btdt,

 

I am so glad you are reading my thread and are not finding it boring and childish. I've got to say that oftentimes when I listen to my repetitive thoughts or read what I have written, I either sound arrogant and full of it or like a whiny child. I finally figured out what you meant about the 'head drop' connection, tha tthing that happened right before I was put on cymbalta. I have never found any mention of what caused it other than it was a more severe form of the 'slowing' down that happens with deep depression. A kind of whole body slowdown. When that bout of depression started I remembered I was at work one night, being a food delivery driver. I was walking into the building and all of a sudden felt like I had walked into a sea of jello, all my movements slowed to a crawl. It was so noticeable because I have always walked and moved very quickly, ALWAYS in a hurry. Then boom! Complete slow down. It is amazing to realize profound depression can do that.

 

How are you doing nowadays? You seem to have had a pretty rough time from what I read in your sig. Are things much better for you yet?

[Nikki]

Cymbalta depression can cause a slow motion sensation.  When I had Epstein-Barr and I would get hit with it, my body would completely shut down and it was almost impossible to move.  Get a blood titer to check for it.  This virus causes major anxity and depression an many,many people have it.

 

You did take some heavy AD's. and we all know what that can do.

 

I hope you feel better soon, you have been trying to keep your head above water with this for a while now and helping to support the rest of us.

 

Hugs

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks Nikki. That slowing down only occurred for a brief time 8 years ago and is not like what I am feeling now. I am just generally moving a lot slower than I used to, like the WD has sapped my energy or slowed me down to a more normal pace. I was always rushing to get through tasks so I could do 'what I wanted to do' which was usually something distracting on the computer or something crafty. Started way too many projects that I never finished. For instance, I loved to make earrings and got ideas from 'Bead and Button' type magazines. I'd finish one earring and never wanted to make the second one. I dumped a lot of my unfinished singles at the thrift store because I couldn't bear to put them in the trash.

 

It is also a moot point at the moment if 'my depression' has come back. I certainly think I have had SAD lots of years, especially when I lived up north. Not so much here. Last year and this year I actually feel more comfortable in the evenings when it gets dark. But I am using the light box anyway. I've got one that emits a bright blue light and have used it the last 3 mornings. It can't hurt.

 

In the past I have spent a lot of time alone and always thought I was ok. Now I realize I avoided people because I just did not how to deal with them, especially with people I didn't like for some reason or another (and that was a lot of people!) Old behaviors learned from my dad, I guess. Now I have been pushing myself to get out and smile at people and talk to strangers in the store. But this oddness I have in my feelings gets in the way a lot. I see it as anxiety but not sure it is purely that - my feelings of well-being are just not there at the moment and nothing is helping. I have been reading about your struggles with anxiety and wish there was anything I could say that would help. I don't want anyone to feel the way that I do but I don't know how to stop it when it happens. Just that trying to 'lean into the feeling' helps sometimes, sometimes not and I have to take the hydroxy because it starts getting too intense. It's my thoughts that get all panicky and then the feeling in my gut starts.Thank goodness it works and I do not have to take it very often. Except for the next couple of days because I am trying to get the swelling in my face to go down.

 

I really hope you can get the drugs switched and get some relief. You deserve it, we all do!

[btdt]

Btdt,

 

I am so glad you are reading my thread and are not finding it boring and childish. I've got to say that oftentimes when I listen to my repetitive thoughts or read what I have written, I either sound arrogant and full of it or like a whiny child. I finally figured out what you meant about the 'head drop' connection, tha tthing that happened right before I was put on cymbalta. I have never found any mention of what caused it other than it was a more severe form of the 'slowing' down that happens with deep depression. A kind of whole body slowdown. When that bout of depression started I remembered I was at work one night, being a food delivery driver. I was walking into the building and all of a sudden felt like I had walked into a sea of jello, all my movements slowed to a crawl. It was so noticeable because I have always walked and moved very quickly, ALWAYS in a hurry. Then boom! Complete slow down. It is amazing to realize profound depression can do that.

 

How are you doing nowadays? You seem to have had a pretty rough time from what I read in your sig. Are things much better for you yet?

I cannot begin to tell you how many hours I have spent reading  people stories on withdrawal sites in the past 7 years.  I have read all kinds your have a certain charm about them leading me to believe your a bright and lovely person.  Truthfully I am always drawn to the odd things that don't seem to come up all the time.  Perhaps because a lot of what I have experienced I don't see other people having like the head drops the foot drag thing.  Since I found the head drop in your first post I had to see if there was anything else we had that was odd and in common.  So far that is all I have found.  Much of withdrawal is common ground some things show a bit more regularly.  The oddities I am left to wonder about are they withdrawal at all or some other challenge I have. 

We are all different and experience withdrawal however we do.  I have had an car accident close to a year ago now and a few other health issues so it is tricky to narrow down withdrawal lately. Still plugging along.  I have not heard severe depression causing head drops before and find that interesting. I was taking Effexor when the head drops were happening to me. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I keep reading different places that 'trauma needs to be healed' and just could not figure out how that actually happens. A couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful massage and the next day I cried for about 2 hours. Kept having these visualizations of places I had been or people I've known (no childhood stuff) and it was very disturbing because these were places that should have had good memories (such as a craft show my mom and I used to go to). Fairly recent memories but I may not be remembering correctly.

 

I did a search on the topic and came across 2 therapies:EMDR and EFT. The former has to be done with a therapist but the latter can be done yourself. I looked and EFT is mentioned here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/841-eft-emotional-freedom-techniques/

 

I started the reading on the original guy's website for EFT: http://www.emofree.com/eft/recipe.html but as I read some of the intro stuff I was thrown off by his mention of a course in miracles. Then I found a blog a lady has started which is very interesting (she is trying to change her whole life) and she reported trying it and had a result! (http://nohumiliationwasted.com/something-im-doing-thats-actually-working-eft/)

 

So this morning I am at the house where I walked into the pool with my cell phone. I decided to start with my swollen eye. Feels really dumb when you do it but one thing I noticed is the places where you are to do the tapping are actually sensitive - I can feel a bit of a tiny discomfort there. The weirdest one is the one near the armpit - I found if I tap where it says to tap I can actually feel a sensitive spot there beneath my flab with just light tapping.

 

I get back home, doggie is with me, and I decide to walk her before going in the house, even though I knew I needed to use the bathroom (and you can stop reading right here if you don't want to hear the rest). I had already gone 3 or 4 times before getting in the car, I actually ate quite a bit of food yesterday. I was 5 steps from my door when I realized I wasn't going to make it. To me, no matter what really happened, that was dramatic enough for me to see that the technique might really have done something. Some kind of garbage got cleared out literally and figuratively.

 

I cleaned up and started reading some more. On one site there is mentioned this technique: Personal Peace Procedure and this one: The Movie Technique. I mention them because what started happening as I practiced more tapping was that I started getting childhood memories (grade school) of mostly minor uncomfortable situations coming as thoughts with pictures. So I just continued to visualize the whole memory and did the tapping, not bothering to make them separate with the 'karate chop statement'. (You'll have to read about that yourself).

 

I do not know how this stuff might work with someone who thinks she is having disordered feelings from med withdrawal, the anxiety and dread stuff. But the anxiety diminishes (that clenching in my gut) when I just focus on it and tap. I'll have to work with it some more. And here's something I found on de-cluttering that just might help me to get over the dread looking at my house brings up and which has me paralyzed: http://www.thrivingnow.com/how-much-is-clutter-messing-up-your-life/.

 

I do not know if the eye swelling will dramatically resolve itself or just fade away. (It looks like pink eye without the pink). I have pressure all around my eye and my scalp and top of head throbs too. Last week, when I first noticed the back of my throat was getting sore (where the sinuses drain), I had pressed really hard on the pressure point under the brow bone of both eyes and it was really tender there. A day or so later my eye swelled up on the left side. Is there really anything to this stuff? I had read that memories are 'stored' in the body but wondered how one gets access to them to 'heal trauma'. And are the mundane traumas of childhood really behind some of my suffering? I'll just have to play with this tapping and find out. I have to do something because meditation proved to be just too intense and had me focused too much in my mind.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I have no idea what happened tonight but I had the first heart to heart talk with my mother in my whole long life with her. She actually asked me the first personal question she has ever asked me and it came out in a small voice: "what was your marriage like?" In telling her of my great disappointment with it I had a sudden revelation that I had married a man that was just as self centered as my father. I would have missed it if she hadn't said "a ha!" She knew it all those long years ago and I had never figured it out.

 

We talked a lot about what it was like for her, she stopped short of telling me something about my dad that I don't want to know. In the course of it I came to see why I had always thought I was not loved by my parents. I've always known they 'loved' me but it was based on me telling myself it was so, not because I felt it from them. Finally we really talked about it and I see where it all makes sense. They really did not have a good marriage and theirs was certainly one that I didn't want either. It's not necessary for me to spell out all the details but I got tonight what no amount of psychotherapy could ever uncovered for me. What I got is a major shift on my view of myself and what I have felt and acted the way I have all these years. My parents really did the best they could but their parents didn't show them love so they couldn't really show it to me.

 

She really was going to leave him at one time but she changed her mind. I don't want to know why. The only thing she has asked me a few times during this and other talks is "did he ever do anything to you, because I left you kids alone with him a lot". Leads me to think that there was something going on about that, for her to pointedly ask that question. He never did anything to me but in my teen years I didn't like how he played me against my mom, saying stuff like 'she treats me badly' and he wanted me to prefer his company over my friend's. I honestly think nothing ever happened, I have no gaps in my memory, no nightmares. Perhaps something with my sister but she's dead now and they never got along.

 

All I know is that a huge chunk of stuff got uncovered tonight. Whether this leads to healing, I don't know. I'll have to see what stuff comes up as I continue to work with EFT. My eye is still really swollen and still getting twinges of anxiety. Something feels a little calmer in me though.

[btdt]

I used EFT when I was in a bad wave of withdrawal and I too thought it helped... I followed this simple one on utube he has various ones.  I will leave the link is case your interested

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i33V2EcVlY

It supposedly accesses the acupuncture points hopefully it helps something I had the idea it calmed my nerves but was not a door to any past trauma at least not for me... had something like that come because of this I would have been completely freaked out that was the last thing I was seeking... it just calmed me down.. made my body an easier place to be in at least briefly. 

Why do you think you have some underlying thing to heal cause your tired...moving slow????

have you had your thyroid checked. 

peace to you

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi bt,

 

No, have not had my thyroid checked and somehow I don't think it is related to what is going on. I don't have any particular tiredness or 'moving slow', I am just having a lot of anxiety. Since no one really can tell me what these feelings are due to, WD or side effects of beginning meditation or what (neuro emotions?), I am just struggling to get through the days like everyone else. A few months ago I was full of optimism and good feelings and not many self-critical or worry thoughts. I thought 'spiritual enlightenment' would stop all of this upset that I've carried inside and I pursued it doggedly. When I ended up having strong suicidal feelings I knew something was wrong. I don't think hoping for a miracle is quite the right way to go about 'healing' my life. But I don't know if introspection and 'energy therapy' is the right direction either. So I am just relating my experiences because it's the only thing I have right now. I've managed to get through life not really knowing much about myself, like how much of my thinking and acting is because of the relationship with my dad and mom. My dad in particular.

 

One thing that has never made any sense to me is the idea of love. I have always been uncomfortable around couples who show affection for each other - seeing them hug each other always brought me a feeling of pain in my throat, the pinching of tears and an anxious feeling. And the times in my life where some man has told me he 'loves' me. I have the clear memory of my ex when he told me that for the first time and how I felt inside: 'crestfallen' is the only word I can think of that is even close. That's just not right, is it? This 'inability to love' has extended to my my feelings about myself. I have to 'be' a certain way for me to feel love for myself and I just don't seem to make the cut.

 

I am pretty sure that I am going to have to resolve these feelings and issues somehow, I know they have caused my depressions. I just don't know how to do it or does it just happen? Today my eyelid is swollen to twice the size of yesterday. All the crying I did did not help. I.m too afraid to even search the net for what might be the cause of it.

 

Am I still 'me' while my brain is recovering itself and is what I am doing having a good effect or what? I don't think anyone can answer that.

[Petunia]

 I have to 'be' a certain way for me to feel love for myself and I just don't seem to make the cut.

 

I am pretty sure that I am going to have to resolve these feelings and issues somehow, I know they have caused my depressions. I just don't know how to do it or does it just happen?

 

These two sentences jumped out at me, the first one because I could say that about myself.  I have come to the conclusion, after years of self help books, counseling and self inquiry, that the reason for this is because of the way I was raised and the kinds of messages I received about myself from my parents, from a very early age.  But just knowing and understanding, although it helps, it seems to only be the first step.

 

Like you I ended up marrying someone with a personality similar to my own father, it was ironic actually, I knew I didn't want anything like my parents marriage and traveled all over the world, looking for someone as different from my own family as I could find.  Turns out the differences were only superficial, personality was the same, worse actually.

 

I think its wonderful that your relationship with your Mom is starting to improve and you are able to talk more openly now, that's going to be helpful for your own growth and healing process.  While I was growing up, I got incredible mixed messages from my Mom, she backed my Dad unconditionally while he was around, but her attitude was often the opposite if he was not home.  Not much has changed these days, but she does validate a few things occasionally.

 

For me, looking honestly about the reality of my family of origin and coming to terms with its dysfunction and learning how its shaped me, has been difficult, emotional..... very emotional, but also freeing.  I'm still going through the process though, maybe this is something we work on for our whole lives.

 

There are lots of ways of working through these issues, books, therapies, workshops, groups.  I used to read a lot, all the self help stuff.  The first one I stumbled onto accidentally.  I grabbed a book from my local library which I thought was called "Your Erogenous Zones", turned out it was called "Your Erroneous Zones", By Wayne Dwyer.  I read it anyway and that was when I was introduced to the concept of thinking about thinking.  I started observing my own thoughts and behavior, that concept had never even occurred to me before. I was about 22 I think.

 

My main method of self inquiry has always been journalling, but now I'm realizing that complete healing has to take place on several levels, physical as well as mentally, I think this is where therapies like EFT might help and acupuncture, where you work directly with the body.

 

I recently looked at my 'Healing Trauma' Program by Peter Levine, which I bought a few years ago.  Still haven't listened to the CD though.

 

I hope your eye gets better soon.  When mine got swollen and sore, a day or two after yours did, I searched for causes and thought it was probably pink eye, and that it would get better by itself, it has. Are you still getting a lot of pain from it?

 

I always read your posts, but don't always respond, sometimes I just don't know what to write, wanting to do something to make you feel better or encourage you to keep going or to share something similar, but often, what comes into my mind to write seems 'wrong', so I just keep quiet.

 

I don't have any answers, not about this life stuff anyway.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh Petu,

 

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to see your post this morning! I woke up at about my usual time (around 6 AM) and just lay awake consumed by fear. Fear of everything, not just dying in particular. I'm still alive and I am afraid of doing anything. Mystified by what has happened, what I have done wrong and afraid of trying anything because I don't know what has happened. It is of little comfort for me to keep telling myself that this is a normal part of withdrawal. I think meditation (and now EFT) has stirred up all these feelings and thoughts and I am trapped inside them and I don't know how to handle them or what to do to make them go away. Am I supposed to try to distract myself and try to make them go away or just feel them? Is this what it is like to feel myself without thinking I need medication to feel better?

 

My eye is still hugely swollen, probably from my episodes of crying yesterday. There's a huge bag underneath it, my eyebrow is still raised up way high but there is less pain inside when I roll my eyeball around. I don't know what it is from, what to do about it. Is it psychosomatic? Maybe so.

 

I am starting to realize that I am just like everyone else, I'm not special at all. I am going through the very things others here have written about. And I am also realizing that eventually I am going to die. Afraid of losing my mind, don't know what to do.

 

I know I start things that I think are going to help and then I quit them when they seem too hard or are not doing anything. When I realized a spiritual awakening was not going to 'just happen', I gave up. I just feel like I have done something wrong - and I have always had that feeling. Even finding out why my dad was the way he was still leaves me feeling like it was my fault. Yesterday my mom told me how much he really loved me, how proud he was of me, but he just didn't know how to show it. I thought I had gone through this other times in my life but here it is again and I'm still stuck in it and I don't know how to get out.

 

Am I supposed to just feel this stuff or shove it away by trying to distract myself with something? Read more and try to understand myself better? I know that no one has my answers. I am ashamed to admit that I have visited the site constantly looking to see if there were any comments from you, Petu, and others. I seem to need people more than I ever thought I did. I feel so needy.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I have been too scared to try to look up causes for my eye swelling and for good reason - there are some scary diseases that can have it as a symptom. The most surprising thing I found is that the eye can swell up because of the high salt content of the tears themselves. Oh, have I ever been crying lately!

 

I cancelled my dog groom this morning because I don't want to inadvertently touch my eye with a dirty hand. The interesting thing I noticed when talking to the lady happened when she was relating the story of her sister having to have surgery. I didn't get that awful feeling of dread/horror like I have been getting lately.

 

My mom just mentioned to me that she thinks the fact that I have been eating oranges lately, in about the last month, might have something to do with it. I have always never really liked oranges except lately. I could have touched my eye.

 

This stuff is confusing. I guess a year later I am still in recovery. I am always focused on doing it 'right'. What is right?

[Altostrata]

I recently had a bout of eye trouble -- itching, running, etc. Most likely, in your case, it is an allergic reaction to something that got in your eye.

 

Using lubricating drops several times a day can help reduce the tearing, which contains histamines that make the irritation worse.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks Alto.

 

This must be something going around the board

 

Makes sense about the swelling and histamine, it doesn't have any itching or redness associated with it, just the swollen lid. I decided to start the hydroxy back up and the swelling is way down from this morning. Crying exacerbates it, definitely. I'll get a new bottle of plain lubricating eye drops and hope that helps.

 

I have no idea how I seem to fall into these emotional pits and can't seem to climb out. Some stuff has gotten way better though. Some people that have come back for the winter that I have had unfortunate reactions to are not awakening those feelings in me. I don't seem to have many angry outbursts with my mom and she has really been nice to me since we had our heart to heart. And my road rage is not surfacing like it used to nor my irritation at the slower traffic now that our roads are getting busier for the season.

 

Thanks for checking in on me Alto. I have really been freaking out ever since I started meditating, it was ok while I did it (during) but this upsurge of crying, anxiety and emotion has thrown me for a loop. If it is wd then I'll just accept that and hang on till it passes. It sure is not like any depression I've ever had.

 

My appetite has come back and I can eat without gagging. Thank goodness for that.