☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

December 12, 2013

I did manage to sleep a bit more, thanks mammaP, but mostly wakefulness. Have had a not so good morning - feeling agitated for some reason but my body feels very numb, especially my nose for some reason. It's a gloomy day here and the temperature has come down some. I'm feeling cold then hot. Right now I'm bundled up and drinking some hot instant decaf coffee hoping to warm up.

I wasted the morning trying to find something on the net to engage me but nothing did. Still come back to this site hoping for new posts. This is really uncomfortable being like this and knowing there is not much I can do for relief except to hang on while the time slowly crawls by. The good thing is that I do not have the awful pain I had some time ago. I wish I could take a nap.

Far cry from the person I was a couple of months ago. I hope the person I end up being is something better, more engaged with life. I don't know how to adjust to this state right now.

Thanks for checking in on me, mammaP.

December 12, 2013

You will be better, I'm sure of it. It is just torture waiting for time, it goes painfully slowly sometimes.

This is my distraction http://www.pinterest.com/

Look at all the categories, you can go anywhere in the world, find any hobby, babies, kittens, absolutely ANYTHING.

And youtube, babies and dogs on youtube always make me smile while waiting for time to pass.

December 13, 2013

I'm feeling cold then hot.

Me too, this symptom has come back for me, went away for about 5 months. But now its back, the fluctuations aren't as intense this time though. Is this the first time you've had this symptom?

I can sometimes find some distraction from playing social facebook games. The kinds where you build farms or cities or worlds. You need to have a lot of 'friends' who also play the game, for it to work well, but that can be solved by joining related groups....so there is another idea.

I don't think any of us ever expected to find ourselves in this kind of state of existence, day after day, figuring out how to adjust adds to the challenges. What would we do without this site for support.

December 13, 2013

Hi Petu,

Glad to see you posting, haven't checked your thread yet to see how you are.

The hot/cold came with this wave, my thermostat is just way off. I often cannot figure out if I should be cold or hot, depending on the temp outside or indoors. One good thing is that I am not waking in the night with scalding hot sweats which I assume is from cortisol spikes. And my sense of smell is getting better. Having waves of intense anxiety, tho, and numbness. The numbness may be coming from the mag citrate water I drink, maybe I'm doing too much. It definitely gives me diarrhea but keeps the palpitations down.

My mental state is just so bad, hard to keep up a good front. And no facebook for me, sorry. Tried it a long time ago and just didn't click with me.

I am just barely managing to hang on. Feel pretty broken. Sorry to be so gloomy but this is how I feel tonight. Hope everyone else feels better.

December 13, 2013

Hi CW. I'm so sorry you're going through a bad time. It will pass, but I know that doesn't mean much right now, when it feels like it's always been this bad and it will be this bad forever.

It won't be. Hang in there.

December 13, 2013

Hi Rhi,

That is all I can do is hang in there, I don't seem to be able to do much else except drag myself through the days and hope some sleep comes at night. I had no idea how bad this could be and there is just no way of fixing it. Hard to explain to my friends why I feel so dysfunctional but some of them do understand. I haven't even been feeling good in the later part of the day the last 2 days, I had been counting on that for some relief.

Thanks for checking in on me!

December 14, 2013

Wow, I am finally caught up. I am no WD expert, I'm only a baby myself, yes, tapering fairly carefully.

But I hear so many echoes of what I need to hear in reading your journey, CW. And it sounds selfish, but here are the "Rules according to CW and JC"

- Self Care (diet, exercise, sleep) comes first.

- Self Love is not only okay, it's to be cherished and nurtured because you can't really share deeply with another until you get this. (oh that's a challenge!)

- You are not your body, it is a tool for your Self to use. Sometimes it acts up, you can't explain it. Return to Rule #1 and apply Rule #2 until you harmonize again.

- Be patient. Harmonizing takes time, and maybe you never were harmonized before so you don't know what it feels like. Be patient.

- Bless the little animals that come your way, they are angels.

My take on your meditation journey is this: your teacher was a good one. That is more rare than you know. But 30 minutes a day is not for those like us. If you want to be helped by meditation, start with just 5 minutes. Then 10. The formula I use with hubby is this (he's post-stroke, has cancer, insomniac, depressed stress puppy): 12 minutes a day for 6 weeks and you build up a "bank account."

Then you can miss a day or two and still receive the benefits. He is doing mindfulness meditation, I'm just doing yoga breathing for sleep apnea to build my throat muscles. He swears by it, he doesn't like to miss a day, even though he doesn't want a "god bean" and doesn't get any "events" or "manifestations" and likely doesn't want them (though they would help him relax, it's easier to relax when you "watch" something instead of relentlessly watching your thoughts). But the benefit is still there, if in a much smaller package.

Your "ramblings" on spirituality were not "off" in any way. They were a genuine expression of your desire to be more than you are. They were actually enlivening and enlightening to others who read them! Then your body kicked in and commandeered your attention. But I suspect, with your yearnings, you will revisit these things at some point, and deepen your spiral of learning. So no need to mock yourself, if it seems alien or silly - it's just another rung on the ladder that you are using to grow. Of course, it's not a ladder like you buy from Lowe's - it's a twisty, spirally ladder so that sometimes the next rung is not up, it's sideways or twisted or even below the last rung. You know the saying: one step forward, two steps back.

You seem to be like other (medicated) friends I have, where if they take something up, they throw themselves in the ring with the bull and don't bother to go to bull fighting school first. (if this observation is wrong, please let me know, sometimes the internet is a bad filter for feelings and personalities). One friend wanted to lose weight. Next thing I know she's a trail running ultra marathoner. She's good at what she does, but I worry that her body will break before her mind is healed. Another friend is more trendy: first it's card making, then zines (little "independent magazines" you make yourself) next it's knitting, when the repetitive stress takes its toll, she crochets. Then she bought all the stuff for embroidery and sewing, but that never went anywhere. Then photography. Now it is drawing. Each thing pursued - obsessively! - until the wall is hit, then cast aside for a new "bauble." She is a gifted artist, I cried when her paper craft faded away. But in her (and see if you can relate to this) her restlessness doesn't allow her to settle enough to go more deeply into each art. Like your one earring at a time. Both of these friends are still *heavily* medicated, nothing I can do about that - but my theory is (and maybe this site will prove me wrong) when the drug sticks its fingers in the brain, the symptoms are similar to when the fingers are pulled out - only the pulling out - especially with CT - is far more extreme. I think that ADs burn out our impulse control, in the frontal lobe, and make it more difficult to make lasting judgments.

It's why I'm often paralysed, because I've made SO MANY bad judgments in the past. Will *this* choice burn me? Will *that* choice throw me in the ring with a bull? And depression after depression I have found myself living by the Law: You can't fall off the floor. So I dare nothing, and gain less. You are daring, and while you cannot see the gains now, good onya for reaching out, for giving it a go, In may ways your CT WD has given you no choice, you HAVE to ride the waves, while I believe I can control the waves somewhat by a careful, thoughtful taper. But I may end up in the same boat too: statistically, it seems the post withdrawal syndrome thing happens to both taperers and CT'rs.

I feel for your agony of sleeplessness and terror (that's what the rock climber guy called it) but reading your journey has been invaluable to me because you are such a good chronicler of "saw this, went there" on the web - you've posted links that - most of them - have taught me something new. More than one. Thank you.

I will continue to check back in, I'm not like you I cannot read them all. So I'm glad I selected you as my first "journey" to read.

Please take care, I and my cat send you love.......

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December 14, 2013

Dear CW,

I like reading your posts which speak of heroic endurance.It seems you are also coming to some important realisations how it were actually unfortunate circumstances of your growing up what has caused those painful feelings of lack of self-worth.

Like Petu,I'm also sad when I read how you see yourself as a bad and selfish person.And you were that warm and caring person who reached out to me in my anguished moment.Although you struggle with so many horrors, there is so much genuine human warmth in you that even in such moments you offer it selflessly to a fellow sufferer.

Taking care of onself and being focused on your needs isn't selfish.It's healthy.

That was a beautiful post fro JC.It is very important for me since I was expecting so much from meditation. then I took a 5 day course involving kriya and after 3 days got physically ill with fevere and extreme fatigue which was followed by mental destabilisation.Some two weeks after that very intense attempt at meditation and kriya in particular it all culminated in a near psychotic experience that I never had before.

Your advice about 5 minutes of meditation is extremely helpful.I intuitively felt this also had to be gradual and that too much at once can really be detrimental. It helps to get verification for that feeling and to know meditation is not lost for me but I have to start it slow in order for it to be beneficial rather than cause awfully painful destabilisation...

Hugs to both

bubble

December 14, 2013

Much love and hugs CW, each day is one more day to the end of this awful wave.

XXXX

December 14, 2013

Thanks mammaP. I am feeling slightly better each day I expect. Had a few bad moments of anxiety yesterday at my volunteer job but they passed as they all do. Last night I actually found some content on slate that I could engage with and it was an ok evening. Even found myself laughing at some cat stuff on buzz feed, that's a good sign. Slept longer, not so much tossing and turning through the night. Was able to sleep a bit more because I drank some more warm milk and had bread and butter and jam. The last waking up was a but harsh but I managed. I was in bed from about 11pm to 8am, not bad.

Bubble, your remark about meditation brought mixed feelings. From where I am now, I have no interest in any of that stuff at all anymore. For me, it sets up an unreal world of fantasy that I am more than happy to crawl into. Unfortunately, what I read doesn't translate into experience. It is a rude awakening to become grounded in the now and realize what my life is really like. I know I can't quite put it into words but it's ok to be where I am right now and the one thing I am working towards is preventing a relapse of the first part of this wave, a horrible time for me.

So this means continuing to force myself to walk, eat, stay in bed for rest at the appropriate times and try to do stuff around the house. Yesterday, I did not drink os much mag citrate during the day and really noticed the difference. I was a lot less 'numb'. I think the numbness was adding to my agitation and upset. I have also not taken any omega 3 for a couple of days. Don't know if it is making any difference.

Thanks to both of you for checking my thread and for your comments. Hugs to both of you!

December 14, 2013

Oh gosh, JC, I totally almost missed your post! It was the picture of your cat that caught my eye. I have a grey one too....

You are right, I jump into things and then when they don't work out the way I like then my tendency is to abandon them. Meditation is only the latest of my endeavors to fall by the wayside. I really don't think it is a good idea alongside withdrawal because of the disordered neuro emotions that are present. Can't think 'straight' so experiences are misinterpreted. And it is not good to live life 'in your head' so much. Right now I am happy to let my dream of 'awakening' to die, it seems as though I am in a better place now for accepting what is - where I am and what I have become. I am as deeply flawed as anyone and this is something I have to live with and just try to do better.

I am glad you read my thread, I always tried to be honest and describe my experiences as best I could. Hugs to you!

December 15, 2013

Today is almost at an end and has passed very slowly. Anxiety off and on all day, never really felt that good. Tried to do a little work on the computer but gave it up. The worst thing about all of this is the flatness of my feelings. No interest in anything and despair that I will ever feel enthusiasm for anything again. Sorry to be so negative about this but it is the truth of how I feel, at this moment anyway. I am hoping that writing will ease some of the discomfort I feel.

Too much of my past has come up for me lately and it is hard not to believe that most of the time I tried as best I could to do right when I know I didn't. So many things I regret but regret does no good because there are no do overs. I have been blessed with amazing friends who still support me, though, and know I am going through a hard time even if they do not understand why.

Today I found no relief reading stories of others lives on the internet. I cannot seem to concentrate on much for very long. I can only hope that tomorrow this feeling will ease a bit. It is a hard lesson to learn that aside from making myself eat and go out for a walk and trying to keep my anxiety in check, this is the best I can do right now. I was always a take charge person and felt I could always take care of myself but not so much anymore. Ouch that hurts to say. I know this is all part of the disordered emotions of withdrawal but that does not make it any easier to bear.

But I am still hanging on, I have no choice really. I need to be here for my mom and the cats. That's an awful strain to live under, knowing that one day she won't be here and I'll have to live through that. I am just praying that it doesn't happen while I am still so emotionally unstable but I have no assurance that it won't. In my darkest moments, I feel that dread like I have never felt before. I just push it away as hard as I can.

I really feel for everyone that goes through this, this is no way to live, feeling so flat and empty. Please God, may tomorrow (or even the next minute) be better for all of us here who are suffering.

December 15, 2013

one big long hug...

I wish there was more I could do.

You are such a brave person for enduring this and it will pass and feelings will return,one by one or all at once.i pray with you that it happens soon..

Xxxx

December 15, 2013

Thanks Bubble,

I sure wish I felt brave, right now I have only the stirrings of anxiety in my gut and still the flatness of feelings. Not such a good way to start the day. It is raining this morning which means the sun might not be out much. I will have to find a way to get some exercise indoors if I can't do my little walks. At the very least, I slept enough that I will not be banging into walls. The other good thing is that (TMI, I know) is that since I cut down on the mag citrate, my stools are not so loose. Better for absorbing the nutrients from my food, I think.

I have also quit caffeine completely' no diet sodas, only decaf instant coffee sometimes, no more chocolate. I don't miss it as much now. I am sure that some of the weirdness I feel in my body now is due to not being so stimulated. The only sugary stuff I have is a teaspoon in the decaf and a little jam on my bread and butter which I eat if I wake during the night. It helps to put something in my stomach to get a little more sleep. And I allow myself 2 or 3 donut holes with my warm milk at bedtime to relax me for sleep. No more ice cream at bedtime (in fact no ice cream at all!)

I wish I had better news to report, but it is what it is right now I guess. And it is lots better than weeks ago when I was in so much physical pain.

Thanks for your note!

December 15, 2013

Cymbalta...when I read thru posts and threads I see the same things that I do....we all do. We perceive ourselves as failures. we seem to measure ourselves by our losses and problems. I do this big time.

A thought is just a thought, its not the truth. I've noticed how negative thoughts can be during withdrawal...... they seem to come in two types - either critical or frightening. Petu

This is very true. I do this when I am in the best frame of mind. Always criticizing and never measuring up.

We can't see the forest because of the trees. I know that I have a flawed or broken recording that goes on in my head about how ridiculous or what a loser I am.....but I think during WD it is very intensified.

Dog Grooming - can you immerse yourself in it some more. The work, income and interactions may help you sleep better.

I am in a down space right now and I can cry thinking it may never pass, BUT when I read other posts I want to help, now If I could just help myself.

Where in Florida are you? I live in Jupiter Beach. I do some pet sitting. We both love animals:)

December 15, 2013

Dear CW and Nikki,

i know neither of us FEEl brave...that's why I had to hold up a mirror for you to see that you have to be an incredibly courageous human being for enduring all this, day in day out...

All those seemingly little improvements in your diet are also very significant.

We are here to remind you to give credit to yourself for all these achievements and remind you to be gentle and loving to yourself. The inner child concept helps me:to think of myself as a little scared girl that nobody can comfort and take better care of than me.

A part of withdrawal's nastiness is that we cannot give credit to ourselves but become self-critical and instead of being gentle,self-flagelating.

That's why we have each other here to give credit and be gentle in times when we ourselves can't.

Warm hugs,

bubble

December 15, 2013

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for your note. I seem to be spending too much time on this site lately but i can't seem to help it Nothing else is engaging my mind right now....

I do as much dog sitting as I can and I have a new grooming client this week. I do love the animals!

I live near Ft Myers, another place in Paradise. I've never been where you live but I imagine it is nice. The weather here has turned warm again but there are some cool nights ahead. Everyone lives for winter here because the temps are more bearable.

I think we all want to help each other, it helps us to feel less alone in this struggle. I am really feeling down and anxious today with this day stretching in front of me. But somehow we will get through it, down or not. It is the way life is. It can only get better, right?

Hugs to you and thanks for commenting in my thread. I always feel better when someone does!

December 15, 2013

Hi Bubble,

You must have just posted while I was doing one to Nikki.

Yes, the self critical thing is really a hard one to deal with, along with the flatness of feelings and whatever dreadful anxieties may pop up (which I quickly chase away!)

I try very hard not to think too far into the future because it just makes it worse. Better to stick with now because that is all I can handle!

Hugs to you and everyone who reads my thread!

December 15, 2013

crossed in the post i was also 'paying a visit' to nikki.

we are very active today just wanted to say I don't feel spending time on this forum is a waste of time: it is very therapeutic and makes it possible for us to get in touch with our inner most feelings,vent most awful feelings when we sound like a broken record even to ourselves,but here everyone understands...

December 15, 2013

I think you are heading towards the window CW, the calm after the storm, the

flatness that life will never be the same again. Hopefully I am right and the window

will be wide open for you, it's about time, you deserve a good window.

December 20, 2013

Hi CW,

Haven't seen you online for a few days, how are you doing?

December 20, 2013

I am here every day, just reading the the writings of all here and counting my blessings that things are not as bad as they were. Today I actually felt calmer inside than I have in a long time but the withdrawal symptoms are nowhere near gone. The top of my head (especially on the left side) 'crawls', my sense of temperature is still distorted, and my sleep is still broken. When I get ready for bed (I shoot for 10pm), I have either warm milk or chamomile tea, 2 or 3 donut holes or bread with butter and jam and turn out the light and lie down at the first few yawns. I sleep pretty deeply but wake fully up if I get too hot at maybe about 2 or 3am and then it is fitful till I get out of bed at maybe 7. I am a side sleeper and my hips are sore from not moving during deep sleep. I am going to try to move to 11pm to see if I can sleep a bit more past 3, we'll see.

Emotionally I am still not right. I an so fearful of the future and especially of my mom leaving me. I don't feel a sense of 'self' anymore and I know I am never going to be the same person again. I have no idea if I will be ok or not. I guess none of us knows, do we? I feel like a needy child inside, scared with nowhere to turn. Like something has broken inside that will never be the same. Still forcing myself to eat but I don't think my nutrition is really very good. A little walking and trying to remember to drink more water.

Sorry I have nothing optimistic to report. Going through the motions of life. I have lots of good friends around me and they kind of understand but life is up to me, right? I am just not feeling very capable of it right now and I feel trapped in waiting. The blinders I had have fallen off and I see so much suffering and know that some is waiting for me.

Thank you so much for asking about me, Petu. It really means a lot to me when anyone posts in my thread because I know everyone has their problems, some much worse than me. I hope you are doing well.

December 20, 2013

It is really good that you are feeling calmer and getting some good sleep,

it's a good start to a window that's starting to open. XX

December 20, 2013

Thanks mammaP,

Problem is, is that my feelings are still disordered and those take time to right themselves I guess. Went to sleep last night without any milk or eating and slept till 5 am which was a surprise. Wanted to sleep more so I had a bite to eat and some chamomile and didn't feel well after that. Finally got up and here I sit. I don't feel tired so much as not really rested but I am very grateful to have gotten the sleep I did. It is awkward dragging myself around like this but it is the way things are.

I sure hope you are feeling better, you had a bit of a rough patch recently. And congrats on dropping another bead!

December 20, 2013

Just signing your "guest book"... Even if we have no answers, we are thinking of you. Hope you're asleep right now!

December 20, 2013

Awww, thanks Meimei! I have stopped looking for answers, really, and just trying to do what I think helps. Just went for a walk. Have a few things to do today so the day will not be spent sitting here aimlessly surfing the net. I hope your day goes well!

December 21, 2013

Sleep not as good as night before, had to eat something to get to sleep and then again at about 3am. Either too hot or too cold feeling, the way my body senses temperature is off still. I'll feel cold, put the covers on and then feel like I'm burning up and have to throw them off. Every sleeping position (side, back, stomach) becomes uncomfortable within minutes making it hard to fall asleep again. Trying to keep my thoughts from worry. Doesn't always work but I can keep them from spiraling down into despair which is good. Feel sleepy sitting here but I know I can't lie down again, the night's sleep is done for me.

Ah, it is what it is. Hoping for better days, living with what I have. Grateful for all of it because what else can I do. So thankful I am not in pain.

December 21, 2013

Maybe is there a little chance some ibuprofen or Tylenol might help at those times? Alto wrote of that, and it helps me, too...a bit.

December 21, 2013

Thanks meimei, but I haven't taken any ibuprofen since this wave started The pain that I had in the beginning (about a month ago) is so hard to describe and I cannot even remember it very clearly (which is good!). All I know is, is that it was bad enough for me to make real changes so I hope it doesn't happen again. I took some low dose aspirin (suggested by Alto) and it made me feel funny so I stopped. I even started having a reaction to omega 3 caps so those are temporarily off the list. Just have to get through this without any drugs right now. It is mostly emotional, not physical, except for the sleep issue.

December 22, 2013

CB you cold turkey-ed meds in October 2012? Well the Cymbalta anyway. Are you currently taking anything?

thank you for being so helpful.....is there anything I can do to help you out?

December 22, 2013

Yes, I CT'd all the meds by accident (poor planning or maybe it was meant to be?) The doc had me try to restart the lamictal but as I increased the dose my bp started rising so I stopped it and stayed off everything. Thought I was doing ok but I have been having withdrawal problems this whole year and I didn't understand any of it, even after reading so much about the symptoms here. Things never got bad until November and then I knew.

I wish there was something to be done but I know it is all time and patience that are needed now. I have to push myself to eat and do things. Feel very demoralized inside. The anhedonia is awful but at least things are not as bad as they were. I know what it is to wake with anxiety, I know that is what you struggle with too, Nikki. Mornings are the worst, takes quite a bit of time for it to settle down. Worry and fear are a big factor too.

Thanks for your kind offer of help, but as you know these things take time and that is what I have to give it. There are plenty of people here who are living proof that things will and do improve. The biggest but best thing is that I am not the arrogant, impatient person I once was and my anger, which used to be with me always, has dissipated. I'm able to let others be the way they are without all the constant judging going on in my head (legacy from my Dad) and that has to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And my mother and I are finally close after all these years. She does as much as she can, letting me talk my feelings out and comforting me.

Thanks for being here, Nikki. You are a treasure. I always enjoy reading your posts. You speak honestly and from the heart and I value that. Hope you are well today!

December 29, 2013

Its been a while since you updated your thread, I'm wondering how you are. How are you CW?

December 30, 2013

Hi Petu,

I have not written anything because I am still the same, some moments a bit worse. Can't engage my mind on anything, reading anything is difficult. Dragging myself through the day. Slept poorly last night and felt it today, thunderstorm woke me up and it was a little too warm in the house but not warm enough for the a/c. Low mood, jumpiness. Forcing food again. I don't know what to say. Things are very hard right now.

I hope you are better, I look to your thread too for an update. Seems quite a few of us here have been having it rough right now.

December 30, 2013

CW, I know you feel horrible, but there is a new groundedness to you. I really think you're improving, it's just SO HARD.

December 30, 2013

Thanks for replying, even though you really didn't feel up to it. Like Meimei, I also recognize a positive change, groundedness, I see increased authenticity and empathy too.

I wish this wasn't so difficult to get through, for you, me and everyone else here suffering. But we will all recover, and feel better, eventually, so there is always hope.

December 30, 2013

Thanks Petu and Meimei,

I feel as though I have hit rock bottom instead of feeling grounded. And I am not able to pull myself up any higher than I am. I slept a bit better last night but even that is hard. I get sore in any position I lie in, lying on my side, hips and ears start to hurt. Such minor pain compared to people who are really ill.

The only thing to do is endure this. It is getting harder to read threads here because of all the suffering that is happening. It probably reinforces my own. Reading anything else is not working too well either. The days are long. I regret not being able to offer any support to anyone. But you are right, this experience has opened my eyes to the suffering of others. If that has been the purpose of all of this then that has to be worth it.

☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

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