☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

By now I am positive that the reduction in magnesium has resulted in me feeling much better. I am by no means recovered (sitll waking at ~5:30 AM and still sleepy) but not feeling as ill as before. I don't have that heavy 'sick' feeling. It could very well be that the magnesium had no effect psychologically or mentally but the reduction in the physical feeling of illness has improved my mental outlook. I have begun to take an interest in my volunteer job and have been working on their website at home as well as helping in the office.

 

Oddly, a thought popped into my mind yesterday: I just might be able to write a recovery story some day. It feels like it just might be possible. I hope it happens. I won't consider myself recovered while I still have sleep issues, though. And I am still unable to just sit without having the computer or tablet in my hands. Still have that kind of akasthisia.

[Barbarannamated]

CW,

That's awesome news!

[alex]

CW,

That's awesome news!

 

Ditto!!

[lundeliz]

C.W. I'm really so happy to hear of your improvements. It's amazing how one

 

little change can make a difference. I hope each day continues to get better

 

and better.

[Addax]

Oddly, a thought popped into my mind yesterday: I just might be able to write a recovery story some day. It feels like it just might be possible.

Great news! I can't wait to read that story!

[anon]

Happy to hear about your progress CW . Enjoy the nice change, and keep taking good care of yourself.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh you guys! Thank you for all of the well wishes, I really do wish I was recovered already. The day I wrote that was really odd. That thought just popped into my head while I was thinking about something else. Where in the world do thoughts like that come from?

 

But today was just horrible for me emotionally. It seems as though my brain has started working again and I took a lady's computer to work on. I couldn't stay asleep last night so I left it on beside my bed and let it do windows updates all night, I'd wake for a bit and start it downloading again. So my spotty sleep left me tired starting the day. Had to take mom for a hair cut and her breathing was horrible this morning and I was in agony watching her struggle. On the way to my volunteer job the police were in a wooded area beside the main road and my boss said she thought it was because they found the body of a woman who had been missing. There's a flier on our door, been there about a week with her pic on it. Same age as me. Boss said (she knows all the gossip) that woman had emotional problems and might have committed suicide. So with all of this swirling around in my head and feeling that my mom is entering a phase where she is going to have more and more problems breathing, by the time I came home I was a sobbing mess.

 

I have not been able to keep up with all of the new posts lately and many times I want to respond to something but my brain feels too tired. Does that make any sense? I am not ready for the things I know are going to happen in my life, like mom dying. I don't want to be alone. I am scared and depressed and anxious just thinking about coming home to an empty house every day.

 

Thank you to everyone who left posts for me here. I am really, really touched. They are so nice to read. I hate the constant suffering I usually feel so these past couple of days have been a real change for the better. I have no idea what happened to cause this.

[btdt]

I am impressed you know how to work on computers to me you a genius!  I have a love hate relationship with computers they love to break and I love them but hate them when they break.  If I ever get to thinking right really right I am going to learn about computers how to keep one going at least.  

About the other things life really it feels so unfair when life keeps going while we are in withdrawal like insult to injury.  I could say a lot about my own experience but I truly have not wisdom to give.  Life can be brutal going forward and throwing extra challenges at us when we are least able to deal with it.  

So much has happened since I have quit taking drugs... so much has changed so many loved ones passed on I find I have difficulty recalling what life was like with them at times.  I guess I am saying with all that has gone done some how I have adjusted even while withdrawing.  I don't know what else to say except embrace the time you have with her best you can now.  Even tho I know your not well do your best and that is all anyone can do.

I am glad you see you have thought of being one of the ones who has a survivor story I think that thought shift is amazing.  I think it is a big step in the right direction.  That is all the wisdom I have and I am not sure any of it is wise at all but is my comment to you today... I wish you peace if you find any hang on tight and suck all the peace out of the moments you find savor it.  Peace

[Addax]

You have no idea what happened to cause what?

 

I'm sorry to hear of your difficult day. Thinking of your mom's passing and trying to picture what life will be like when she's gone is such a difficult and scary place to be. I would feel exactly as you described yourself feeling. Then to be reminded of your own mortality in a way, when a woman's body is found... These are difficult things to handle, withdrawal or not. Sobbing seems like a healthy response...

 

I hope tomorrow is easier.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

You have no idea what happened to cause what?

 

 

Me feeling better was what I was referring to. I had been feeling so badly those days leading up to my decision to reduce the magnesium and when I did do that, not only did I physically feel less 'sick' but my mental outlook improved too. It has since degraded a bit because of worry about mother. But the most surprising thing was the return of my ability to work on computers. And I was able to work on the website (it is running WordPress) just by logging into it and trying a few things. The more I tried the more I learned. I was given some training on how to add information to the site some months back but could not remember what I was taught. I was given a reprieve from working on it because some work needed to be done in the office first. Then the time came and they wanted me to work on it because no one else wanted the job.

 

So my skills (that I thought were gone for good) are still there and my motivation came back. All in the space of a few days. Why that happened is what I cannot figure out. I don't remember reading anyone else's thread where the same thing happened to them. I thought it was more of a gradual thing.

[btdt]

I could not take magnesium... the first few days I took it I thought I had found the holly grail of withdrawal but then I felt bad... I quit the mag and got better... all relative.. I think you know that. It seemed to me that it built up to a certain level then bam ...I have the same reaction to Vit D3 I can take it for three days....on the third... I can't sleep and have bad anxiety. I have learned the hard long way to trust my body and test things out for myself I still have the same thing with D3 all this time out and the last time I tried Magnesium ... I could not get off the couch.  So these two are not for me... not yet anyway. 

maybe it was the magnesium. 

Either way I am very happy your skills were not lost and that your outlook is better.  

[mlrp]

CW, 

 

Just a quick note to say how much I have gotten from your wisdom in this forum (and don't worry about responding to this - we'll all be around here for a while, right?) :-) 

 

I feel for what you said about your mom. My relationship with my mom (well, my whole dysfunctional family of origin) is the reason I "cracked up," trying to cope with her mental disorder. But through it all I love her and know she won't be around forever (89, with amazing longevity genes, but still...). It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom, and that will ultimately give you courage when you need it. I'm sending thoughts and prayers for your continued recovery. Stay strong. 

 

I hope the days to come bring more light and hope your way.

[Addax]

So my skills (that I thought were gone for good) are still there and my motivation came back. All in the space of a few days. Why that happened is what I cannot figure out. I don't remember reading anyone else's thread where the same thing happened to them. I thought it was more of a gradual thing.

Whether you figure out why it happened or not, I'm just glad it happened for you!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks to all who replied to my thread. I have been wanting to post an update for a couple of weeks now and just haven't been able to do it. Something is muting me, don't know if it is apathy or what. And now that I have started to write something, I want to quit. I have even had problems being with the friend I take my walks with every day, I just don't want to talk. Or more like maybe I do want to talk but it is too much of an effort. So I just keep quiet. I am going to have to get over this hump somehow because I think I have something important to say, something about the way my thinking has changed in WD (or more accurately, the way my brain is working has changed) and the farther I get away from what I just came through, the more difficult it is getting to set it down accurately.

 

I just can't do it right now. Does anyone else relate to this? I don't remember reading about it in anyone else's thread, except maybe Petu talks about it kind of. A peculiar kind of verbal or expression apathy.

[Barbarannamated]

CW,

 

I've never been an extremely talkative person, but have felt too tired to talk on many occasions in the past few years....or perhaps that what I was thinking wasn't worth the effort of speaking. Also, I have so little going on in my life that I don't have the usual things to talk about (work, family, etc.). At least I THINK this is what many people chitchat about.

 

Not sure if this is related to what you describe.

[Petunia]

Yes, still struggling with it.  Narcissus has written about something similar too, not sure if its in his thread or somewhere else.  I don't update my thread much for this very reason, exactly like you wrote, I want to, feel like I need to, but there is like something blocking the action.

 

I'm also not sure what this is exactly, sometimes I think its because I don't have anything new or interesting to say, like Barb wrote, others are busy, running around, doing, doing and more doing.  I've stopped doing, so can't talk about what I've been doing.  I can only talk for myself, maybe I should be writing this in my own thread, but its related to what you wrote, so its ending up here.  Even though I'm not doing a great deal physically, I seem to be on an inner healing journey, lots of change is going on inside me, but its not the kind of thing which is easy to share, its not chit chat and probably not the kind of thing most people want to hear about anyway, I don't know, maybe they do, but its not specifically about withdrawal, maybe it is.  I'm realizing I don't know anything for certain about anything any more so it seems safer to just keep quiet a lot of the time.

 

You wrote that the way your brain is working now has changed through WD, perhaps you have been going through something similar, this withdrawal experience can be so extreme for some of us and act as a catalyst for deeper changes.

 

Another thought I have is that my reluctance to talk about something or write about it is because of denial, I don't want to commit it to being true. 

 

I think that being able to walk with someone, in silence, is a beautiful thing, to me it represents a deeper, more meaningful kind of relationship, not many people are comfortable with silence though, which I think is sad.  Is your friend ok, with walking and not talking?

 

I hope you are able to write a little more about what's been going on.  I've been wondering how you are doing and have come very close to posting here, asking you, but thought you would post an update when you are ready.

 

I usually get the same happen to me when I do start writing on my thread, an almost overwhelming urge to stop, next time it happens I'm going to explore what that reluctance is about.

 

((hugs))

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I can't seem to write again tonight. But btdt posted a link to an interesting study which talks about this, I think. Doesn't explain it per se but I think it is AD related fallout (as a whole lot in our lives seems to be).

 

http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/195/3/211.full

 

I skipped down to the 'discussion' and started reading there.

 

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, I really want to get my story out because I think it offers hope. I can feel the details slipping away more each day. Dam drugs. They helped but hurt at the same time.

[Barbarannamated]

Very good article.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I want to read it more but just too tired tonight, again. I want to comment on your other post, Barb, but I am just too tired. Maybe tomorrow.

[btdt]

Thanks to all who replied to my thread. I have been wanting to post an update for a couple of weeks now and just haven't been able to do it. Something is muting me, don't know if it is apathy or what. And now that I have started to write something, I want to quit. I have even had problems being with the friend I take my walks with every day, I just don't want to talk. Or more like maybe I do want to talk but it is too much of an effort. So I just keep quiet. I am going to have to get over this hump somehow because I think I have something important to say, something about the way my thinking has changed in WD (or more accurately, the way my brain is working has changed) and the farther I get away from what I just came through, the more difficult it is getting to set it down accurately.

 

I just can't do it right now. Does anyone else relate to this? I don't remember reading about it in anyone else's thread, except maybe Petu talks about it kind of. A peculiar kind of verbal or expression apathy.

" I think I have something important to say, something about the way my thinking has changed in WD (or more accurately, the way my brain is working has changed) and the farther I get away from what I just came through, the more difficult it is getting to set it down accurately."

 

YES I have written extensively about this on another forum that is no longer available and I think this is very very important...!!!

How the drugs affect the mind are the fine points that drug makers and doctors miss as they are not inside us... and other people who love us need to know too... I have tried my best to explain this to people not taking the drugs and any effort you make I applaud as I believe this to be the missing link... 

 

The LINK that will bring understanding to the rest of the world about how these drugs affect the brain how it is experienced. 

 

I too found it to be like trying to catch a wet fish in your hand it slips away so easily... and is hard to describe at the best of times... tho I did not let that stop and struggled to capture it for the spouses of people who had extreme personality change from the drugs like I did I was trying to help them understand what the spouse was going thru how the drug had changed their brains... 

 

If you have had a glimmer of it you will have it again all in good time but noticing and thinking about it is important too...all in good time you may find as I did it helped my healing to get it set down on paper ...wish I had done it on paper I would have it still

 

I am looking forward to reading what you write about it... wishing you peace 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, btdt, I just wrote a little of it in Petu's thread and I am hoping to write a little more here but I don't know. I feel the lassitude stealing over me again.

 

And actually I am going to stop. My mother just walked into the room and decided to continue the fight we started this morning.

 

Are other people's mothers hurtful to them? Don't answer that. I know they are. I can't take this right now.

[btdt]

Tell her that you can't do it right now and leave the room or the house whatever you need to do. 

Take a shower is another one I use when I need to protect myself. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

It is a hopeless situation with her and I give up. I don't think she will ever get over her need to say hurtful things to me and I won't be getting over retaliating back any time soon. I think I'll let it just go back to silence, she can't hurt me that way. She refuses to talk. I wonder, has anyone ever lived with a parent, sibling or roommate who just never talks? Never asks "How was your day" even if they don't care, just to be polite? My mother would rather die than ask me a question like that.

 

I am feeling very shaky right now, tearful and depressed. For all of the increase in my activity level and the lessening of the most horrible wd symptoms, good feelings have not returned. I am still depressed and fearful about my future and definitely not able to see anything good in my past yet. I have gained weight and I think it is a reaction to the stress of being in that office but it sure is better than being at home. I have got to figure out how to reduce my calorie intake without causing mental symptoms and also increase my activity without overdoing it and causing a relapse like last summer. I can't skip meals like I used to do because I get too anxious. It's not good feeling fat, unloved and depressed all at the same time. And never again thinking that a pill will fix it.

 

Have been thinking since I wrote on Petu's thread about what I wanted to say, what I thought would be so helpful to others for me to get it written down, and I have decided that I don't really have anything to say that will help anyone else. It's my old behavior coming back again, my wanting to be a 'healer'. I am so full of crap that way. It happens when it happens. Just because it happened to me and I could see it as it was unfolding, doesn't mean that it could happen to someone else the same way. We are all so different. But I have a hunch that getting involved in some sort of activity does do something to help us recover from wd. I just know that I did have to do my fair share of sitting at home day after day playing computer games till something recovered enough for me to participate more in life.

 

Whether feelings will come back remains to be seen. And maybe they won't. I originally went on meds all of the times I did because I lost the ability to feel 'good'. Did I ever have feelings of 'feeling good'? I don't think so. I think I have always been unhappy and discontented. So how am I going to fix that? It is horrible to think that I will continue to live a life of quiet desperation with a mother who acts like a child sometimes. She says hurtful things and seems to get some kind of joy out of it. When I point out to her that both of her children abused alcohol and drugs and took meds for depression she denies any responsibility and says it was not because of the way we were raised. All our fault, not hers and dad's. They made us feel bad and feel badly about ourselves and never taught us how to feel good about life at all.

 

I don't think I am up to living out the rest my life feeling so sh*tty day after day. It is going to be food and over work and lots of crying to keep from feeling the bad feelings, not alcohol and pills and sex and shopping. My desire to go shopping came back, that was another thing that made me realize I was getting better. At first, when the thoughts came, I was deeply ashamed that my old personality was coming back.But it is ok. I went shopping and realized that I could pretty much stick to what was needed, not buy stuff just because I wanted it or it was pretty. The thought still goes through my head that buying stuff I don't need now might be a meal I won't be able have when I run out of money. That puts a damper on things.

 

PS. I stopped hating my cat.

[btdt]

Sometimes there are common threads in healing we don't know about if we do not talk about it... for instance we both stopped hating our cats

Peace to you

[mattinsmom]

Yay for not hating your cat (to you both). Its a bigger step then you think. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I was deeply ashamed of myself for the thoughts and feelings I developed toward my cat. Where does that crap come from? Did you have it too, mm? Why do you say it is a big step?

 

I have felt awful all day, suicidal for some reason and a terrible pressure in my head. Cried a bit too. Getting out of the house for a walk didn't help. But one surprising thing is that I lay down for a nap and actually fell asleep! Not for very long and I came to a few times before finally getting up but it still qualified as a nap. Some stuff gets better, some stuff gets worse again. Some days I just want the end to come.

[mattinsmom]

I said it was a big step because it requires such an emotional investment. Even if you don't *love" the cat, hating something is very consuming. It becomes a familiar space, a distraction, and much easier to maintain than it is to change. You might not have been overly aware of the process of moving away from hate, but it is a process and you did find your way through. It is an emotional investment to change how you feel.

 

And yes, I have had love/hate/love/hate.... relationships with pets (more often with people).  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

But the distaste and dislike I felt for my cat seemed to come from nowhere.It was creeping up after I went CT, couldn't stand to have him brushing up against me, Then it got really bad when I got really bad in Nov. Outright active dislike of everything about him, food, litterbox, him waking me up in the wee hours of the morning. I just realized sometime last week that those feelings had faded when I found myself picking him up a couple of times. It feels like it fell away all on it's own, I didn't spend any time thinking about it. I've deliberately turned my thoughts away from anything I could not understand or fix when wd got so bad. He was one of those things.

 

Btdt, was it the same for you or did you do something to change how you felt about your cat?

[btdt]

But the distaste and dislike I felt for my cat seemed to come from nowhere.It was creeping up after I went CT, couldn't stand to have him brushing up against me, Then it got really bad when I got really bad in Nov. Outright active dislike of everything about him, food, litterbox, him waking me up in the wee hours of the morning. I just realized sometime last week that those feelings had faded when I found myself picking him up a couple of times. It feels like it fell away all on it's own, I didn't spend any time thinking about it. I've deliberately turned my thoughts away from anything I could not understand or fix when wd got so bad. He was one of those things.

 

Btdt, was it the same for you or did you do something to change how you felt about your cat?

If I were to describe it I could it would be exactly the way you have.  I did nothing to bring it on and did nothing to stop it... one difference it seemed to start for me when I was in tolerance and did not know it... at that time I was sick all the time with one infection after the other... brain zaps were not far behind this... not too long before the head drops and the neurologist tole me to stop taking Effexor.  When I actually quit the E ... I was too sick to think about the cat or much else could not eat or stand ect... for months.  The cat stayed on the list thru this time tho I did not focus on it as odd as I did when I was in tolerance.  

My cat was very loving I had her for 30 years.. thankfully the hate thing passed before she passed but I still resent having that time taken away from caring for her.  

It came by itself it went by itself with no effort and no process at all. None. 

It is rather odd how much alike we are in this respect.  I have found from doing this healing chat thing a long time that this is exactly how the most important steps and understanding of healing came about.  Seemingly inconsequential things in conversation spur topic and before you know it there is some tangible bit of of insight.

I think it is complete brain chemistry... healing ... the rubics cube has shifted in some way that causes a couple of squares to line up... they will shift again and again as the process moves along.

 

I think there is a state of extreme negativity that most of us go thru... and perhaps the cat hating has something to do with that stage of healing. Napping too would be another step in the process.  It is a bit up and down for a good while and it keeps changing making it difficult to get and maintain your sea legs... this I think is common and normal for those of us going thru this abnormal experience.

 

Hope that helps some...wishing you peace as it is for me the most important thing to gain and keep.  

[Petunia]

 

I think there is a state of extreme negativity that most of us go thru... and perhaps the cat hating has something to do with that stage of healing.

 

This rings true with me also.  I've had an affinity for animals and nature my whole life and have felt protective and somehow responsible for taking care of the more helpless forms of life, especially all the pets and plants I've had over the years.  So I found it very disturbing to realize that I no longer seemed to be caring, in fact like you, I was feeling almost the opposite of my normal feeling, a kind of disgust or repulsion whenever I saw animals or birds, trees and plants....basically anything which I previously would have felt loving and protective towards.

 

Like BT wrote, for me its been like everything which I used to have positive feeling towards, now elicit negative feelings, well they did, now, thankfully, its become more neutral.  I've got no idea what this is, but in hindsight, I think that being able to accept the bad feelings was probably the best thing to do and may have had something to do with becoming conscious of a shadow side of personality in order to integrate it.

 

I read your post a couple of days ago, where you mentioned your Mom starting a fight and then carrying it on.  Initially I started thinking about boundaries and how to establish healthy ones.  I did a workshop once about them, but its never easy with people we have developed lifelong patterns with.  I've wasted huge chunks of my life, thanks to many self help books, believing that I could change other people, based on changing myself and the way I relate.

 

Like you, I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've had an unhappy life, a dysfunctional upbringing, unhealthy relationships and ongoing current unhealthy relationships which I'm not going to be able to change, beyond strengthening my own boundaries and protecting myself. My ego has protected me from seeing this most of my life,  a whole bunch of ideas and beliefs I had about myself and other people and the world, but somehow, this experience of withdrawal has stripped a lot of that away, leaving me facing a shocking reality.  I think a lot of us might go through this to varying degrees, whether we write about it or not.  I can't help looking for the silver lining, because that seems to be my nature.  But as painful as this experience can be, if we get through it and allow ourselves to be changed, accepting the new reality, then there is the opportunity for living a more authentic life.

 

I might be wrong, but I don't think it matters what your motivation for writing about your experiences is, so what, if you have an image of yourself as a healer, but then doubt yourself.  They are both just thoughts and neither of them is the truth.  I have always found what you write to be thought provoking, not that what you write is always directly healing, although sometimes it is, but just the fact that I relate to much of what you write about and it makes me think more deeply about my own life and experiences. 

 

My father, like your mother rarely, if ever, asks anyone how they are or how their day was.  Even if someone asks him how he is, he will answer, but then not return the question.  Its very disturbing when I notice it, but I have become so used to this, I hardly ever notice, but then after the conversation has ended, I'm left with a heavy, weak sick kind of feeling, and don't know why..... its because the unbalanced, dysfunctional nature of the 'relationship' has served his needs, but not mine, and that's the way its been since I was born.  He doesn't recognize it, and never will, because its just his personality (disorder), its served him quite well his whole life, so why should he question it? He is what he is, like all of us are, a result of our unique genes and experiences which form us into the people we become, none of us really have much control over the kind of people we turn out to be.  I think its a rare individual who is capable of honestly looking at themselves and being able to see the truth, we seem to be wired for self deception for the purpose of our own survival in a harsh world.

 

 It is horrible to think that I will continue to live a life of quiet desperation with a mother who acts like a child sometimes. She says hurtful things and seems to get some kind of joy out of it. When I point out to her that both of her children abused alcohol and drugs and took meds for depression she denies any responsibility and says it was not because of the way we were raised.

 

I see a lot of my own mother in what you wrote here.  Although she doesn't say hurtful things to me these days, not directly anyway, she used to.  It was her main method of parenting when she got stressed out or started to feel her power slipping.  She would hurl a few nasty insults and then withdraw emotionally, often for days at a time.  But since starting to go to church about 15 years ago, she now sees herself as a nicer, kinder person, and only insults people...to other people, behind their back.  I intentionally don't get into conversations with my parents about the cause of the problems both my sister and me have had, as much as I would love to have them admit some responsibility, I know they are not capable of it.  My mum sometimes, in a round about way puts some of the blame on my dad, and he very occasionally hints at her as being the cause, but neither of them can see any fault in their own behavior.  The chemical imbalance theory is very convenient for both of them actually, but even with that, neither of them is particularly comfortable thinking about which side of the family it might it have come from, there were problems both sides and that's a conversation which never lasts very long.

 

I know how difficult it is to live with someone in a dysfunctional pattern of relating when you are trying to change and grow, but they wont or can't.  I've been in two situations like that, its even worse when there is a sense of having no-where to go to escape. Please be gentle with yourself, we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.  We can't make other people treat us nicely, but we can treat ourselves well and protect ourselves from abuse as adults.

 

I was reading on another thread and noticed you mentioned Shanti, that she is doing better and has a web site.  After reading through her thread, I wondered how she was doing because she just stopped writing.  Do you know the address of her web site?

 

Thinking of you and hoping you start to get some good feelings soon.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I found Shanti's website in the sig of her posts and when searching for her again this morning to give you the info, I looked at her profile. In it she states she has 2 sites, the other is for angel/spirit work. Of her wd site she writes:

 

 

Someone keeps reporting this website as having malicious content and I frequently have to unfreeze it.  So if you like this site and come back to find it closed, please know it is only temporary and I will have it back up shortly.

 

That's what I must have seen months ago, a 'parked website' notice when I followed her link, and thinking she was offline permanently.

 

As much as we would wish otherwise, when those who have participated on wd websites consider themselves recovered (or go back on meds) and stop posting, we really have no way of getting them to come back and tell us something to give us hope. Sometimes the anonymity of the 'net isn't very helpful.

 

I noticed on npanth's blog he has not updated it for about a year but he is still actively posting images to his flickr photostream. I calculate that he is still on a small amount of medication (he wrote of being on 4 mg a year ago and sticking to a 10% per mo. rate of reduction).

 

Thanks for commenting, Petu, especially about your family situation. Living with my mother sometimes feels like I am squirming around in sticky black goo, and will be there forever. As my feelings and thoughts start to change, I start fearing I will go back into my old ways of coping with the ugliness of life: mindlessly buying stuff and spending too much time on the computer. Can't help it about the computer, it has been something to save me from the terrors of akasthisia, but as a way of life it is not such a good idea, is it?

 

Btdt, thanks for sharing your insight about your cat. I feel less like a monster knowing that someone else has the same kind of inexplicable experience. But I am still not sure my feelings overall will change more positively. I have been such a negative thinker my whole life, both towards myself and others, and I am at a loss as how to figure out how to make myself have good feelings. Is this even possible?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mm, you said this:

 

 

It is an emotional investment to change how you feel.

 

Somehow I don't think I want or am able to make that kind of investment in 'me'. I'd do it if someone else found me worthy but I don't see myself that way. Pretty sad. I know that right now I am feeling very depressed, my thoughts are ugly and dark and I cannot blame it on my mom or the weather. It just is. I hate this constant ugly feeling, nothing relieves it and it's persistence makes me think of suicide again. Looking back and seeing that some things have changed but I am still not 'well' has put a damper on things for me.

 

How do I change how I feel about things? Is it true that since I am in wd that I really don't have access to good feelings because of the biochemical sh*tstorm going on inside of me?

 

At least I can break up the monotony of the day by going to the office today.

[btdt]

 

 

I think there is a state of extreme negativity that most of us go thru... and perhaps the cat hating has something to do with that stage of healing.

 

This rings true with me also.  I've had an affinity for animals and nature my whole life and have felt protective and somehow responsible for taking care of the more helpless forms of life, especially all the pets and plants I've had over the years.  So I found it very disturbing to realize that I no longer seemed to be caring, in fact like you, I was feeling almost the opposite of my normal feeling, a kind of disgust or repulsion whenever I saw animals or birds, trees and plants....basically anything which I previously would have felt loving and protective towards.

 

Like BT wrote, for me its been like everything which I used to have positive feeling towards, now elicit negative feelings, well they did, now, thankfully, its become more neutral.  I've got no idea what this is, but in hindsight, I think that being able to accept the bad feelings was probably the best thing to do and may have had something to do with becoming conscious of a shadow side of personality in order to integrate it.

 

I read your post a couple of days ago, where you mentioned your Mom starting a fight and then carrying it on.  Initially I started thinking about boundaries and how to establish healthy ones.  I did a workshop once about them, but its never easy with people we have developed lifelong patterns with.  I've wasted huge chunks of my life, thanks to many self help books, believing that I could change other people, based on changing myself and the way I relate.

 

Like you, I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've had an unhappy life, a dysfunctional upbringing, unhealthy relationships and ongoing current unhealthy relationships which I'm not going to be able to change, beyond strengthening my own boundaries and protecting myself. My ego has protected me from seeing this most of my life,  a whole bunch of ideas and beliefs I had about myself and other people and the world, but somehow, this experience of withdrawal has stripped a lot of that away, leaving me facing a shocking reality.  I think a lot of us might go through this to varying degrees, whether we write about it or not.  I can't help looking for the silver lining, because that seems to be my nature.  But as painful as this experience can be, if we get through it and allow ourselves to be changed, accepting the new reality, then there is the opportunity for living a more authentic life.

 

I might be wrong, but I don't think it matters what your motivation for writing about your experiences is, so what, if you have an image of yourself as a healer, but then doubt yourself.  They are both just thoughts and neither of them is the truth.  I have always found what you write to be thought provoking, not that what you write is always directly healing, although sometimes it is, but just the fact that I relate to much of what you write about and it makes me think more deeply about my own life and experiences. 

 

My father, like your mother rarely, if ever, asks anyone how they are or how their day was.  Even if someone asks him how he is, he will answer, but then not return the question.  Its very disturbing when I notice it, but I have become so used to this, I hardly ever notice, but then after the conversation has ended, I'm left with a heavy, weak sick kind of feeling, and don't know why..... its because the unbalanced, dysfunctional nature of the 'relationship' has served his needs, but not mine, and that's the way its been since I was born.  He doesn't recognize it, and never will, because its just his personality (disorder), its served him quite well his whole life, so why should he question it? He is what he is, like all of us are, a result of our unique genes and experiences which form us into the people we become, none of us really have much control over the kind of people we turn out to be.  I think its a rare individual who is capable of honestly looking at themselves and being able to see the truth, we seem to be wired for self deception for the purpose of our own survival in a harsh world.

 

 It is horrible to think that I will continue to live a life of quiet desperation with a mother who acts like a child sometimes. She says hurtful things and seems to get some kind of joy out of it. When I point out to her that both of her children abused alcohol and drugs and took meds for depression she denies any responsibility and says it was not because of the way we were raised.

 

I see a lot of my own mother in what you wrote here.  Although she doesn't say hurtful things to me these days, not directly anyway, she used to.  It was her main method of parenting when she got stressed out or started to feel her power slipping.  She would hurl a few nasty insults and then withdraw emotionally, often for days at a time.  But since starting to go to church about 15 years ago, she now sees herself as a nicer, kinder person, and only insults people...to other people, behind their back.  I intentionally don't get into conversations with my parents about the cause of the problems both my sister and me have had, as much as I would love to have them admit some responsibility, I know they are not capable of it.  My mum sometimes, in a round about way puts some of the blame on my dad, and he very occasionally hints at her as being the cause, but neither of them can see any fault in their own behavior.  The chemical imbalance theory is very convenient for both of them actually, but even with that, neither of them is particularly comfortable thinking about which side of the family it might it have come from, there were problems both sides and that's a conversation which never lasts very long.

 

I know how difficult it is to live with someone in a dysfunctional pattern of relating when you are trying to change and grow, but they wont or can't.  I've been in two situations like that, its even worse when there is a sense of having no-where to go to escape. Please be gentle with yourself, we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.  We can't make other people treat us nicely, but we can treat ourselves well and protect ourselves from abuse as adults.

 

I was reading on another thread and noticed you mentioned Shanti, that she is doing better and has a web site.  After reading through her thread, I wondered how she was doing because she just stopped writing.  Do you know the address of her web site?

 

Thinking of you and hoping you start to get some good feelings soon.

 

" I was feeling almost the opposite of my normal feeling, a kind of disgust or repulsion "

 

Exactly and not only that when I was on effexor I had lack of and was drawn to things that normally I found repulsive like being stuck in a dream of numbness I would watch as unimaginable incidents too place.  I do not want to talk to much about this here as it is a completely different can of worms that is maybe bigger then this entire site... can be confusing and disruptive to the thoughts of folks who did not have it and are trying to heal.  

 

I too use to do the seeking to learn how to heal relationships I think it rather normal in todays world or at least sells a lot of books I have read them all... odd how I no longer care much what they said I found that taking one of these drugs could simply negate all the advances I had made ... and I read a lot of  if not all books like this while I was drugged.  As it seems that is when my relationship problems really got out of hand.  Chicken or the egg... everybody has problems it is my stance that the drugs can change how we remember our past childhood included... and how we relate to it and how we relate to ourselves and our present. 

 

I not longer have much interest in these sorts of books feeling I have done that and moved on from it... very few books of a psychological type healing have had any impact on me since I have stopped E... I have no interest in them as I no longer think they have any answers for me or I no longer care I have bigger fish to fry ... as in a brain to heal.  Not that I can do much to influence how it does heal but I do  what I can... as waiting for time to pass is not good enough for me.  I no longer think any psych self improvement book ect can help with that... now that I know and see more clearly the effect of drugs and chemistry... it seems a rather impotent field of study to me now.  Maybe fine for folks who have not used these drug but add any Ad and you can throw those books out the window... is my take on it. 

 

The power of now is one book that helped me a lot... I every now and then read it again. 

[btdt]

mm, you said this:

 

 

It is an emotional investment to change how you feel.

 

Somehow I don't think I want or am able to make that kind of investment in 'me'. I'd do it if someone else found me worthy but I don't see myself that way. Pretty sad. I know that right now I am feeling very depressed, my thoughts are ugly and dark and I cannot blame it on my mom or the weather. It just is. I hate this constant ugly feeling, nothing relieves it and it's persistence makes me think of suicide again. Looking back and seeing that some things have changed but I am still not 'well' has put a damper on things for me.

 

How do I change how I feel about things? Is it true that since I am in wd that I really don't have access to good feelings because of the biochemical sh*tstorm going on inside of me?

 

At least I can break up the monotony of the day by going to the office today.

"How do I change how I feel about things? Is it true that since I am in wd that I really don't have access to good feelings because of the biochemical sh*tstorm going on inside of me?

"

I am going to answer this with my truth... and hope that honesty serves you. 

Eft tapping helped me during this time... all those things I have said before. 

but the truth of the matter as I see it now is in fact this is a **** storm and not much you do other than staying alive while time passes and your body heals will have much effect on it... that is how I truly see it... like the cat thing it will heal when it heals.  Not much I did had a huge effect on it... I did stop watching the new or cop shows to allow my nervous system to heal... small changes like that.  helped ... read a lot of books about drugs a LOT 

read a LOT of posts on withdrawal sites seeking answers and some sort of truth... 

All the time inside I had this idea of protecting myself and I did my best to limit stimuli... that I found unhelpful. spent a lot of time in nature tried to keep my body healthy by eating decent and exercise...... thru all the shoulds out the windown circled the wagons and did what it took to survive. 

I think at the point where you are I thought I am not like others and I am not getting better... I may as well resign myself that this is how life is now and I thought long and hard about it and what I wanted to leave behind ... what I could do to enhance the world for others ...those I love or strangers... telling the truth is one thing... telling it in places like this.... being kind and supportive to those I really love was the other thing. while I was dealing with life in this new way things gradually improved.  I also tried several types of meditation and healing from books I got at the library as I have limitted choices.  

At the end of the day what does it all mean... what really counts to you?  I did a lot of soul searching and came up what I would like to leave behind and focused my efforts any I had in that direction.  

In the thick of it I just held on and prayed a lot... told myself it was the drugs...  really that is the truth.

I think this negativity spell ends when it is good and ready... I wish there were something I could say to help if the truth does not work then I have nothing. 

I do wish you peace. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Btdt, as I sit here re-reading your note my mind keeps going over and over how much of a damaged person I am and it tells me I always will b. As far as my mother goes, I keep forgetting to tell myself that she really does care about me, she just has a bizarre way of showing it.

 

Yesterday my volunteer job took an unfortunate bad turn and I am not sure why. But my feelings are hurt and I don't want to participate there any more. Things go on behind the scenes of every organization and I think that was the case here. Someone thinks I am a threat or else thinks I am a poor fit for the job and my help doesn't seem to be needed. I was hoping that the position would turn into an actual job and I was told that the person in charge was wanting to make that happen but I think that it won't. I am sitting at home today licking the wounds left by that and the fresh ones given to me by mom last night and all of the other things I tell myself when things like this happen.

 

I find I just can't feel good about myself just because. It can only happen if someone else likes me or approves of me first. And when they don't, when I have done something 'bad', I feel it to my core. Like today.

 

Days like this I wish I did not have to keep trying to stay alive. Don't know how to keep from hating myself.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I went into the office this morning to return some items I had been working on at home and spoke to the person in charge. The thing is, after that I am no closer to understanding what is going on than before. I may have made a mistake or may not have, I have no idea of knowing. But what I do know is that I have interpreted something that happened in an email exchange to mean something to me personally and my feelings are hurt. Whether it was meant that way or not, I feel it was a poor way to do it. I can't demand the full story behind it nor should I. I just know that for all of her claims that I was 'helping' her the reality was far from the truth. She actually asked me to do very little and admitted that she gets 'nervous' delegating things to others. Fine by me, then don't delegate but don't then say that I am 'helping' when I am just sitting there trying to figure out something to do.

 

I can't begin to describe the incredible hurt inside over losing this opportunity. I am using this as one more stick to beat myself with this just proves that I am not able to get along with others. Why do I not seem to fit in anywhere? It is frightening to think that all I will feel for some years to come will be these incredibly awful, depressing feelings. My penance for doing AD's. Now I have to feel every last dreadful one and over and over and over again.

 

Life just sucks.