☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[Addax]

When I read: "I resisted that for the longest time but I know it is true. I don't like to be told what to do and if you tell me to do something a certain way but I know my way is 'better', I don't want to do it. Period." I smiled a little.  I had an evaluation years ago where i was described as 'insubordinate' because I am like you in that way.  I quite because I knew my supervisor was working to have me fired. I say "am" because I still am.  But that experience made me realize that I needed to check myself, recognize my place in the hierarchy of whatever agency I worked for, and bite my lip even if my supervisor was going to cause the stock market to crash and send the country into another great depression. (No, I haven't held a job where my boss was every actually that important, but you get the picture). 

 

The example you gave about your parents taking you to a baseball game. I have to wonder if I wouldn't have thought the same thing you were thinking.  Perhaps for different reasons.  

 

You asked: Can I find a therapist who can tell me how to change?  

CW, it doesn't sound like you're not a people person or that you, as the person, need to change.  But, I have every confidence that you can find a therapist who can help you improve your repertoire of social skills. 

 

I think things hit harder during withdrawal too, and particularly during a wave.  In the early stages of withdrawal and in particularly during my last attempt to withdrawal I was plagued by severe self doubt and insecurity about everything: Work performance, how I looked, how I sounded.  It's as if withdrawal can be like one of those hall of mirrors, where all the mirrors are curvy, twisted, and warped to distort the image to where you can't even recognize the image looking back at you.  The difference being that in withdrawal we think the reflection might be accurate.  

 

You will find a place that fits you and more importantly, where you feel comfortable.  You will.  

[tezza]

Hi CW,

 

I'm trying to catch up on the forum and just read this page of your thread. How sweet of you to read my posting and offer words of encouragement when you are having such a rough time. You are very helpful to others and I hope you will soon feel good.

 

Love and hugs!

T

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for your kind words, Addax and Tezza. I don't know how I am going to do it but somehow I have to get through this. I feel like a weight is crushing me and I am frantic to get out from under it. I just don't know what to do except live with these awful thoughts. And living with this constant self hatred is misery.

[mattinsmom]

I'm checking in and hoping that today is a better day for you. I see how hard you are trying. 

(hug)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for checking on me mm, I am hanging in there but the thoughts are a constant struggle. Maybe tomorrow things will let up. I am hoping for a miracle.

[btdt]

hugs to you CW... wishing you peace.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks btdt and everyone else. I am hanging on as best as I can. This situation has broken open old wounds and caused me to see my whole life as a mistake. I know that can't be true (intellectually) but I feel so trapped and lost. Today I will just try to enjoy the holiday and wish everyone a happy 4th.

[mattinsmom]

In order to release our pain and have our wounds healed they must be brought to the surface. It hurts and it passes. You are not a mistake. Your life has not been a mistake. The thoughts will settle down.

 

May peace find you.

[btdt]

Thanks btdt and everyone else. I am hanging on as best as I can. This situation has broken open old wounds and caused me to see my whole life as a mistake. I know that can't be true (intellectually) but I feel so trapped and lost. Today I will just try to enjoy the holiday and wish everyone a happy 4th.

I hope your having a good enough day.  We all have things we need to work on there are no perfect people.  I personally could not do it when I was in this state of withdrawal and learned the hard way it was too much.  I took the advice from others eventually and just said this is an Effexor thought... and moved threw it and beyond it as fast as possible.  Sometimes that meant just letting a thought or memory flow then moving to something else.  Seriously this for me could have broken me actually I think it did a few times eventually I learned the past the future did not matter my true job while in that state  was to make the best of now. Get thru now that was plenty to do for me.  

I wish you peace.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you matinsmom and btdt. Today is another day. I don't know what to do except sleep when I am supposed to and eat when I am supposed to and go back to getting myself through the days. I am back to feeling like I am dragging lead weights around. I suppose there will be more tears today. I don't know what to say but I wanted to write something. Thank you for thinking about me.

[mammaP]

A huge hug to help you through today CW. xx

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you mammaP. You are such a good person, everyone here is so good. I'd like to think if I could just turn off my thoughts that I could survive this but then it would be something else. Maybe sleep, maybe appetite, maybe some illness. Thank you for the hug. I hope you are doing ok.

[Petunia]

Thank you mammaP. You are such a good person, everyone here is so good.

 

Including you CW, I hope you include yourself in that, you are loved and appreciated here much more than you realize. There's an innate goodness which comes through in the things you write, maybe you don't feel it at the moment, but I do.

 

A while back, you wrote something about me being naturally kind and compassionate, or something like that.  I don't see myself that way, but I see that in you when you reach out to help others when you, yourself are suffering.  You take care of your Mom, even though she regularly criticizes you. Those thoughts of self hatred are not your own thoughts, they have been put there from the outside, intensified by withdrawal, let them go.  I realize that's easier said than done, withdrawal seems to dredge up all the bad stuff.  But knowing where it came from, and that its not really supposed to be there in the first place, makes it easier to throw out. Like Amy wrote let it surface, then let it go.

 

 I'd like to think if I could just turn off my thoughts that I could survive this but then it would be something else. Maybe sleep, maybe appetite, maybe some illness.

 

Its true that if we turn off our thoughts, then it most likely will be something else, but life is always like that, it always has been, perhaps we just didn't notice it until now.

 

What BT says here:

 

 

.eventually I learned the past the future did not matter my true job while in that state  was to make the best of now. Get thru now that was plenty to do for me.  

 

 

I think if we can actually get this and learn how to live in the present moment, its such a valuable thing we can carry with us into the rest of our lives.  I'm struggling with it too, but when I do manage to let go of the past and the future, there is real peace in the moment.  And when illness comes, as it does for everyone, there can be peace in that too if there is acceptance.  Illness is here, right now, we don't have to wait for it.

 

I'm at the end of my own rope at the moment too, stuck between the rock and hard place of past regrets and future worries, but there is nothing I can do about either of them at the moment. Maybe there is a gift inside all this suffering, its teaching us to live where we are right now, in spite of our thoughts, other people and the culture around us trying to drag us away.

 

This is going to sound like a great big cliche, and I'm writing it as much for myself as you, because I don't really see it often myself, even though I know its the truth.  But the miracle we are all waiting for is already right here, underneath everything which has been piled on top.

 

(hug)

[johnson]

Thank you matinsmom and btdt. Today is another day. I don't know what to do except sleep when I am supposed to and eat when I am supposed to and go back to getting myself through the days. I am back to feeling like I am dragging lead weights around. I suppose there will be more tears today. I don't know what to say but I wanted to write something. Thank you for thinking about me.

Hi cymbalta,

 

I prayed for you that things will get better and you will find some peace. Hang in there.

[btdt]

I see this on tv... the news from Wimblton however it is spelt I don't care

 

"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

  And treat those two impostors just the same;"

 

It has me distracted and I keep thinking about it like there is gift hidden in there for me. 

So today I looked it up.

 

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you

  Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
  But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
  Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
  And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
  If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
  And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
  Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
  And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
  And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
  And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
  To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
  Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
  Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
  If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
  With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
  And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

I just thought I would share this with you hope you like it.  

 

Not sure what the hidden nugget is yet but think it is in there. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you for the very inspirational words, btdt. I am trying very hard not to let myself get even more depressed but it is not working very well. I seem to be very tired all of the time and this is a different kind of tiredness than before. I fall asleep in my chair a lot but instead of it being a welcome thing, it is causing me more anguish because I am not getting anything accomplished. Not cleaning up the house, not looking for another place to volunteer, nothing. This 'nothingness' is really getting to me.

 

The suicidal thoughts are abating a bit but are still there under the surface. I am anxiously casting about for something to look forward to and I can't find anything. Everything seems like too much effort, even getting dressed. My mother is so much more functional than I am. I feel 'burned out' inside and it is odd because I seem to be sleeping ok. Not deep, but ok. I haven't tried napping during the day, something about that seems very scary to me.

 

Just thought I would check in. I have read a few of the other threads here and posted some replies. We'll see how that goes. Could I possibly feel any worse? Don't think so.

[btdt]

Thank you for the very inspirational words, btdt. I am trying very hard not to let myself get even more depressed but it is not working very well. I seem to be very tired all of the time and this is a different kind of tiredness than before. I fall asleep in my chair a lot but instead of it being a welcome thing, it is causing me more anguish because I am not getting anything accomplished. Not cleaning up the house, not looking for another place to volunteer, nothing. This 'nothingness' is really getting to me.

 

The suicidal thoughts are abating a bit but are still there under the surface. I am anxiously casting about for something to look forward to and I can't find anything. Everything seems like too much effort, even getting dressed. My mother is so much more functional than I am. I feel 'burned out' inside and it is odd because I seem to be sleeping ok. Not deep, but ok. I haven't tried napping during the day, something about that seems very scary to me.

 

Just thought I would check in. I have read a few of the other threads here and posted some replies. We'll see how that goes. Could I possibly feel any worse? Don't think so.

Thanks for the update change is normal in all this.  Peace to you

[btdt]

I know what you mean about older people doing better having more life than us... I have sisters that are in their 70's who are doing better... and have been for years... sad as hell..not cheery today so keeping it short... peace

[mammaP]

I know what you mean about older people being better,  a neighbour here is in her 80's and  walks up

and down here to get the bus into town and back. She does her own garden and is amazing. I can't do

even half what she does on my best days! 

 

But we can ride waves CW, now that is something my neighbour and your mom can't do 

[btdt]

I know what you mean about older people being better,  a neighbour here is in her 80's and  walks up

and down here to get the bus into town and back. She does her own garden and is amazing. I can't do

even half what she does on my best days! 

 

But we can ride waves CW, now that is something my neighbour and your mom can't do 

Riding waves is a skill set worth praising!  

 

Gardens we have a small one I have not pulled a weed all year and I am the only one who goes out there... or worked on it in the past.  

Yesterday I was looking at the blooming type weeds and thought they were quite pretty and I wondered who decides what is a weed and what is a flower? 

I like how it looks kinda like I am in a forest.. kinda. 

 

WE can seek an alternative view if we choose to. 

 

I hope your relatively well CW just want you to know I was checking in to see how you were.

peace

[btdt]

Now I wish I did not say choose as I know there is a stage of this where nothing feels like a choice.. sorry.  It is an illusion but it is not when you in it ... it will pass CW It will! 

peace

[mattinsmom]

Hi

(hug)

It will be ok. Really, it will. 

[btdt]

I just read the Best of SA for the first time I recommend it. 

peace

[Meimeiquest]

CW, how are you? We're missing you!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi meimei, I saw your note some days ago and have been trying to figure a way to respond without seeming too negative. I am just not doing well at all, my mental state is barely under control most days tho I am trying to keep it to myself. Still waking in the middle of the night and when 6:30 rolls around I know I am done for the night and I hate it. Too many hours awake and looking for something to read on the computer. TV always on in the background. Only a few clients left, my days are spent in the house sitting. It is still so ungodly hot outside but I do get out most days for a walk with my friend.

 

I am sitting here waiting for my mother (and then myself) to die. My life has come to a screeching halt and I have nothing to look forward to, not even some far off day of recovery. Get out and do something, you say? What? I don't want to do anything. My emotions are gone, all of the good ones. In their place is ugly apathy and anhedonia and a barely constrained anger. I want to sleep my days away and I cannot.

 

The only thing that I am getting any pleasure out of is food. 2 years (almost) off drugs and that is as far as I have come. 5 hours more or less of sleep a night, enjoy some of my food and missing (one-sided, all negative toward myself) emotions. That's all. Severely depressed and panicky when I see my future. I refuse to think about it. I hate my life. I'm only here to see after my mom. I have no control over anything and cannot change a darn thing. Why try when nothing works. I sit here day after day. I ruined my own life.

 

I still read threads here every day and cannot bring myself to post because I don't have anything helpful to add. I used to at least have an opinion on everything but even that is gone. So that is why I don't update my thread anymore. What's the use, I can't help anybody even if I tried.

 

Thanks, meimei, it was a pleasant shock to see a note from someone here. I follow your thread and see you are having some good results. Good for you. You have a husband and children to get better for. My mom will be dead and I will be alone before anything gets better for me, if it gets better before some disease overtakes me.

[Meimeiquest]

I'm sorry, but thanks for keeping it real! Don't forget, a smile, real or not real, is not required to participate here! We miss you.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I went off to read something else on the site and then saw your note. Thanks again for thinking about me.

 

Problem is, this site ofers support to those who are tapering off these drugs. I'm already off and waiting for some nebulous state called 'recovery' with no clue how to get there other than to stay alive and hope it happens. Those who have 'made it' aren't hanging around here. Jemima and Alto don't post much about themselves as well as any others in the recovery story section. I was starting to get some info from btdt but now she doesn't want to participate here anymore. What could they say anyway but just keep going.

 

It is a waiting game, waiting for this depression to lift. But what will be there? No help from drugs anymore. Just waiting. No guarantees anything will happen either. Next time someone asks after me I'll try to just say thanks and leave out the awful truth.

[Barbarannamated]

Problem is, this site ofers support to those who are tapering off these drugs. I'm already off and waiiting for this nebulous state called 'recovery' with no clue how to get there other than to stay alive and hope it happens. Those who have 'made it' aren't hanging around here. Jemima and Alto don't post much about themselves as well as any others in the recovery story section. I was starting to get some info from btdt but now she doesn't want to participate here anymore. What could they say anyway but just keep going.

 

It is a waiting game, waiting for this depression to lift. But what will be there? No help from drugs anymore. Just waiting. No guarantees anything will happen either. Next time someone asks after me I'll try to just say thanks and leave out the awful truth.

CW,

I'm sorry to hear this but VERY THANKFUL that you posted honestly. I'm in the exact same place. I agree with your feelings about the site. It is a great place for those tapering, but for those of us who did it too fast and are waiting for purgatory to end one way or another... I can't even finish a statement. I get sick of hearing myself talk and don't want to impose my hopelessness and negativity on others.

 

It's so hard, especially since you and I have been on disability for years prior to this nightmare and have no next generation to be involved with or offer life meaning. All I've been seeing for years are endings and I have no energy or motivation to seek new friends or endeavors.

 

Sorry...I should speak for myself only.

 

Perhaps Alto would consider a "Protracted Withdrawal" section.

[Meimeiquest]

Dear ladies, Do you have any idea what support would be helpful that this site could provide? I don't know if I'll live long enough to get to that point personally, but I am very interested in your thoughts. I am thinking the post-drug issues are much more disconcerting than the tapering rodeo.

[Barbarannamated]

Meimei,

 

That's a tough question to answer. This withdrawal depression brings with it a sense that all life and momentum has ceased. I think that, for those of us who have had no daily routine, responsibilities, regular interaction with people for years, it seems insurmountable to begin again. Death seems much more likely. I know we've talked about this elsewhere, but i think that when people are still tapering, there's a sense of progress or goal in sight.

 

If I recall correctly, CW felt much better when she found a place that needed her services, but then that fell through. Volunteering seems like the obvious go-to, but finding the right situation is very difficult, especially with very little physical or emotional energy. Also, when something feels hopeful and then falls through, it is far more devastating than when I had a more normal and active life.

 

I'm not answering your question and I apologize. I think that just knowing that others are still struggling is somewhat reassuring. NOT that I want anyone to be in this hell, but knowing I'm not alone is the key. I can't help but notice that most of us are midlife women -- an existential midlife crisis brought on by withdrawal, perhaps..?

[Jemima]

I went off to read something else on the site and then saw your note. Thanks again for thinking about me.

 

Problem is, this site offers support to those who are tapering off these drugs. I'm already off and waiting for some nebulous state called 'recovery' with no clue how to get there other than to stay alive and hope it happens. Those who have 'made it' aren't hanging around here. Jemima and Alto don't post much about themselves as well as any others in the recovery story section. I was starting to get some info from btdt but now she doesn't want to participate here anymore. What could they say anyway but just keep going.

 

It is a waiting game, waiting for this depression to lift. But what will be there? No help from drugs anymore. Just waiting. No guarantees anything will happen either. Next time someone asks after me I'll try to just say thanks and leave out the awful truth.

 

I'm glad to see a post from you, CW.  I was wondering what had happened to you.

 

I'm not exactly 100% yet.  It seems to take a really, really long time to get through this and feel normal from time to time, although in looking back, I think I wrote my "success" story at the end of March, so that would put me only a little over five months into "recovery".  What I think has happened is that antidepressant withdrawal changed my life so radically that I can't just pick up where I left off. I have to start all over building a life instead.  The damage that Lipitor did to my arms has also thrown a monkey wrench into the works. There were things I had planned to do in retirement--like redecorating--that I'm no longer physically able to do, so I either have to hire them out or forget about them.  There are some things I can do a little bit at a time, like gardening, and some things that simply no longer interest me.

 

One big mistake I've made is to use antihistamines and benzos for sleep. I haven't had an antihistamine in over a month now and am beginning to be able to sleep without anything except Tylenol, Melatonin, and an occasional dose of magnesium, but I think I sabotaged my own progress using drugs for insomnia.  I'm still not at the point that the anhedonia is gone, although it's hard to tell if that's a drug side effect or just from being so aimless at the moment. Thank God I didn't get hooked on the benzo--many thanks to Rhi and her warnings--and I have now sworn them off completely.

 

I don't know if the length of time on drug(s) has anything to do with the length of recovery time, but I was on antidepressants for only fifteen months and on three different types during that time (Pristiq, Remeron, and Lexapro), so perhaps the short duration for each drug (Remeron, 4 months; Pristiq, 5 months [overlapping the Remeron]; Lexapro, 10 months) shortened my withdrawal period somewhat.  I was also given  1 mg. Lorazepam every three hours PRN and used it quite regularly for seven months until I read about the horrors of benzo withdrawal here and stopped it CT.  I did not go into deeper withdrawal from that and am very thankful that I didn't get addicted.

 

Another (maybe) mistake I made was getting involved in too much as soon as I was able to be out and about, and I've withdrawn from a lot of those activities over the past three months, keeping just the few that I deeply enjoy and a distraction (mostly playing cards) or two. I just signed up for a Bible study and have offered to volunteer two hours next week at a church-supported food pantry, something I can continue to do or not. I'm reading a lot, mostly fiction, and taking some pleasure in not having to get up and be somewhere on time five days a week.

 

Things improve, but ever so gradually.

 

I'm going to go post this in my "success" thread for others who might miss it here.  I didn't realize my ongoing story would have much meaning for anyone else, but now that I know, I'll do my best to post more regularly.

 

CW and Barbarannamated, you are both in my prayers. I believe you'll both get better in time, but I also understand how that time just drags and drags. Do what you can to distract yourself with constructive activities in the meantime, especially anything social.  Being around other people really does seem to help.

[mattinsmom]

I'm still tapering and not even very far into that. I don't have any advise to offer. I can't tell you how long it will take or how to make things better after being med-free. I can tell you that you have helped me in times of need. I can tell you that you have had an impact on my experiences as have Meime, Barb, and Jemima. You ladies bring so much to this forum with your openness and honesty. 

 

I guess all I can really say is that I hope things feel less terrible.

And, thank you. Really. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Dear ladies, Do you have any idea what support would be helpful that this site could provide? I don't know if I'll live long enough to get to that point personally, but I am very interested in your thoughts. I am thinking the post-drug issues are much more disconcerting than the tapering rodeo.

 

That's just it, meimei, I have no clue what kind of support we would need or who could provide it. I do know that one time btdt replied to one of my posts and told me that the extreme negativity I was having had happened to her too and it lasted for a long time. Also finding out that the negativity I felt toward the animals was a phase too. That was a comfort to hear that someone felt some of the same things along the way. Those are things that can only be found out by someone telling you they went through them. That is what is missing from the experiences told here. I am in a bizarre subset of people who CT off drugs and never went back and am suffering the consequences.

 

Meimei,

 

That's a tough question to answer. This withdrawal depression brings with it a sense that all life and momentum has ceased. I think that, for those of us who have had no daily routine, responsibilities, regular interaction with people for years, it seems insurmountable to begin again. Death seems much more likely. I know we've talked about this elsewhere, but i think that when people are still tapering, there's a sense of progress or goal in sight.

 

If I recall correctly, CW felt much better when she found a place that needed her services, but then that fell through. Volunteering seems like the obvious go-to, but finding the right situation is very difficult, especially with very little physical or emotional energy. Also, when something feels hopeful and then falls through, it is far more devastating than when I had a more normal and active life.

 

I'm not answering your question and I apologize. I think that just knowing that others are still struggling is somewhat reassuring. NOT that I want anyone to be in this hell, but knowing I'm not alone is the key. I can't help but notice that most of us are midlife women -- an existential midlife crisis brought on by withdrawal, perhaps..?

 

Yep, death is coming and I am terrified. Either it won't get here in time or too soon. Either way I think I will lose. At my age, there is no new career I want to start, no romance will come to me after shunning men for over 25 years, I won't be magically becoming a well adjusted person now that I am off the numbing effect of the drugs. I am too tired and discouraged to try. There is nothing that interests me right now, I cannot make my mind think of a happy future. If this is how you feel too Barb then you definitely not alone. And you are right, getting out and volunteering helped a lot but I didn't handle the stress of it well at all and was crushed when it ended. And demoralized.

 

 

I'm glad to see a post from you, CW.  I was wondering what had happened to you.

 

I'm not exactly 100% yet.  It seems to take a really, really long time to get through this and feel normal from time to time, although in looking back, I think I wrote my "success" story at the end of March, so that would put me only a little over five months into "recovery".  What I think has happened is that antidepressant withdrawal changed my life so radically that I can't just pick up where I left off. I have to start all over building a life instead.  The damage that Lipitor did to my arms has also thrown a monkey wrench into the works. There were things I had planned to do in retirement--like redecorating--that I'm no longer physically able to do, so I either have to hire them out or forget about them.  There are some things I can do a little bit at a time, like gardening, and some things that simply no longer interest me.

 

One big mistake I've made is to use antihistamines and benzos for sleep.

 

I don't know if the length of time on drug(s) has anything to do with the length of recovery time, but I was on antidepressants for only fifteen months and on three different types during that time (Pristiq, Remeron, and Lexapro), so perhaps the short duration for each drug (Remeron, 4 months; Pristiq, 5 months [overlapping the Remeron]; Lexapro, 10 months) shortened my withdrawal period somewhat.

 

Things improve, but ever so gradually.

 

I'm going to go post this in my "success" thread for others who might miss it here.  I didn't realize my ongoing story would have much meaning for anyone else, but now that I know, I'll do my best to post more regularly.

 

CW and Barbarannamated, you are both in my prayers. I believe you'll both get better in time, but I also understand how that time just drags and drags. Do what you can to distract yourself with constructive activities in the meantime, especially anything social.  Being around other people really does seem to help.

 

 

I read with alarm about your use of an antihistamine. I know for sure now that using atarax precipitated withdrawal akasthisia for me. No drugs for me, ever. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

 

I never thought about retirement and now it is here. I hardly have any customers anymore and my days are empty. I was on those drugs for 8 years. Didn't realize I wasn't replacing customers I had lost. What I am going to end up being like is anyone's guess. It will be changing year by year but it for sure won't be going back to anything 'normal'. How does one plan for that? The best I can hope for is living out my life till it ends naturally. The worst? Well, we all know what that means.

 

Thank you for the prayers, Jemima. The thing inside of me that used to believe in God died some time ago.

 

I'm still tapering and not even very far into that. I don't have any advise to offer. I can't tell you how long it will take or how to make things better after being med-free. I can tell you that you have helped me in times of need. I can tell you that you have had an impact on my experiences as have Meime, Barb, and Jemima. You ladies bring so much to this forum with your openness and honesty. 

 

I guess all I can really say is that I hope things feel less terrible.

And, thank you. Really. 

 

Thanks, mm. I am so grateful for you and all others who post in my thread. Have no idea how my posting helps others. All I have is misery. The only thing that keeps me from running out of the house screaming is that I have to be here for mom.

 

I am hurting really, really bad. Every day. Got to hold it together for my mom. Not for me. I guess I had my life already.

[Meimeiquest]

I don't have any words, but please know all your words are read. I wish there was a way to help.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks meimi. You helped so much just by asking about me. Bless you.

 

I just don't know how to accept this suffering. If I could accept it the mental anguish would not torment me so much. I am having the hardest time accepting that there is nothing I can do to make myself better. Can't cheer myself up. Can't sleep the whole night. Can't make myself be interested in anything. Just mindless reading on the computer all day long. And the days are very long when you can't sleep the whole night.

[btdt]

Well I am back bit worse for wear but back and screwed up today and took a 20 rather than a 10 mg of pariet the drug that bummed me out.... 

I read you posts CW and all the while I thought of the time when the negativity took hold of me and I was living only to be of some service to others as I could see no real reason to be here and suffer like hell day in day out... really having 5 hours sleep tho it may not be enough is better than none too.  Still this negativity brush that paints all things is a stage of withdrawal I have watched a lot of people hit it and survive it.  I am not saying life is going to be bliss after you will be skinny 18 blond and live on a yaut I can't even spell it lol

but it will improve when this bit passes and I KNOW it takes an ..@#$#$@#$ @#$%##   %$%@#$ LONG time for it to pass. yes I am swearing... yes I have some anger... and by the way since you mentioned anger have you thought of using it as a motivating factor... at least it is a feeling better a teeny bit better then being a zombie....

 

I did this one thing once that gave me the utmost satisfaction.... 

I was morose at the beach my best place when I use to have a car to get there... and I was so pissed at so  many things... I was tromping along... angry....

I picked up a small rock to throw into the lake and missed could not even do that right I missed the lake...

I hit a big boulder and broke the rock... 

yep you guessed it I had a marathon of rock breaking that day... till I could not move my arm think it involved some tears... and maybe a few swear words... I was basically alone that is what happens when your up at 5am and at the beach. 

 

It helped. 

 

It did not change the world or take these drugs from the market it did not stop the negativity it did help me get some of the anger outside of me... it helped. 

 

When I use to be on the net 24/7 I would look up studies about antidepressant.. all the science I could find ... it may have helped or not but it gave me a mission and I am still here.... if that is the point.. I am not sure it is. 

I tend to forget as much as I learn so not sure how much it helped used to be finding things was a lot easier now things are all tucked away in safe little places you cannot get to read unless you pay a fee.  Reading books on antidepressants too became a mission think I have read most of them again it gave me something to do... while I waited. 

waited to heal...

Some of them actually helped me understand the basics better helped me to understand and allowed me to forgive myself a bit. 

 

I am fresh out of no contact so think I will let this go for now hope it in some way helps I wish you peace.