☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[compsports]

I am so sorry CW to hear you are having a tough time.  Sheehs, having to put up with BS as a volunteer.   What the heck?

 

"""Hugs"""""

 

CS

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Aw, CS. Thanks for the hug. Yeah, there is BS everywhere, I guess I have an extremely low tolerance for it. My mother keeps telling me that people perceive me as a threat because I am smart. Sure, I am smart about computers and the internet but it's because I like those things. But dumb about people. I had no hidden agenda here, I just needed a reason to leave the house every day. But I feel as though I am accused of having one and I just don't want to sit around watching while this person stresses out trying to to everything herself because she can't delegate.

 

Ouch, life hurts.

 

Hope your day is going better than mine, CS.

[Barbarannamated]

CW,

 

I'm so sorry this opportunity has hit a rough spot. I understand how devastating that can be after searching for that opportunity/purpose/place to fit in and be needed.

 

It sounds like you have the skills needed by many organizations. I hope something else comes through for you.

 

This brings me back to wondering why you and I have that need or desire to leave the house every day while others seem content staying home. I'm currently visiting my friend who is perfectly content staying in bed watching TV all day, every day (even with me visiting). I find myself envying her acceptance of life as it is. She claims she's not depressed (she is on a few SSRIs).

 

Sorry for that tangent. NO judgment intended toward anyone who is able to be comfortable with this lifestyle!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you so much for your comment, Barb. I see this as a huge personal failing on my part, this need to get out and do something. My mom doesn't seem to have it but she told me this morning that my dad was the same way. If you have it too I would never tell YOU it was a failing but that's what I tell myself. Over and over my mind goes "What's wrong with me?" and I am feeling suicidal again thinking my days are going to be back to endless computer games and TV. I don't fit and it's killing me.

 

I've been making jewelry again but that is no consolation. I don't want to be sitting here doing that all day either. I used to be able to do it, can't do it now. Is this going to be my curse for the whole of recovery? I have to find something to do somewhere and just steel myself for the inevitable disappointment I am sure will come when it becomes painfully apparent I don't fit there either. On and on till I am blessedly dead. I am convinced it helped my recovery from that horrible period of WD. Now I am back into it again and I am frantic.

 

How are you doing Barb? If you are so much like me (and it appears you are) my heart aches for you and all the others like us. No wonder I went on meds.

[Barbarannamated]

I don't see it as a failing, just different. My dad is this way. Drives him crazy to not be busy with a project.

[btdt]

I went into the office this morning to return some items I had been working on at home and spoke to the person in charge. The thing is, after that I am no closer to understanding what is going on than before. I may have made a mistake or may not have, I have no idea of knowing. But what I do know is that I have interpreted something that happened in an email exchange to mean something to me personally and my feelings are hurt. Whether it was meant that way or not, I feel it was a poor way to do it. I can't demand the full story behind it nor should I. I just know that for all of her claims that I was 'helping' her the reality was far from the truth. She actually asked me to do very little and admitted that she gets 'nervous' delegating things to others. Fine by me, then don't delegate but don't then say that I am 'helping' when I am just sitting there trying to figure out something to do.

 

I can't begin to describe the incredible hurt inside over losing this opportunity. I am using this as one more stick to beat myself with this just proves that I am not able to get along with others. Why do I not seem to fit in anywhere? It is frightening to think that all I will feel for some years to come will be these incredibly awful, depressing feelings. My penance for doing AD's. Now I have to feel every last dreadful one and over and over and over again.

 

Life just sucks.

I think they owe you an explanation ... why can't you ask more about what was said in those emails. why?

A lot of this is going to boil down to withdrawal and you may not see it right now but you will later a lot of the self torture too is the withdrawal BS I had a lot of this and wonder some times how I got thru that time.  I spent much of my negative season feeling very unloved dejected and alone... some other things much worse than those feelings.  I felt alien like I had been dropped off by space ship the day before and still had scales of the lizard others could see ... that is how bad I did not fit in... completely out of place out of step confused and dejected. 

I stumbled thru it I went out a l lot once I was able read in my car took walks... sat by the lake or the creek... drove countless miles.The library is where I would likely volunteer if I had a choice... it is quiet.  I too still have no patients for people and their bullsh*t I just can't do it. I don't want to do it either.  I don't know if this is back to the surface so very close these days cause I am not well or if I am just sick of other peoples **** and refuse to take it any longer... I think it is the later.  

I use to rather get along than fight now I don't really want to fight... not really but I have lost my patients some where along the way. 

 

I would go to the person who does the hiring and ask if they are please with your work ... or how they see things going... or is this the the same person who is giving your grief if it is walk ... find something else.  Computer are everywhere I am sure there are enough people like me out there that know nothing about them and need help that your skills would be in high demand. 

 

This is going to pass I swear it is you just have to wait it out and find some ways to make your time pleasant or at least tolerable.  Please try not to think it is all your fault it is very possible this is all somebody elses problem and not yours at all tho it falls on you... 

**** runs downhill the person at the bottom always gets it ... that is just how it goes by no fault of your own you just the last person who started there... I think I am in the right place now being alone as I have no patients. At least for now this is best for me. 

I hope you can take some of this in and let it go as not your problem even tho it affects you it does not mean you caused anything... peace to you

[Barbarannamated]

CW,

 

I don't feel like updating my own thread, but to answer your question.... I'm getting by, but always in that "ready for life to be over" place. Nothing terribly tragic happening recently (lost mother and mother in law in July 2012 and 2013 - still grieving), but no good new life events to look forward to. Just emptiness.

 

Summers were always my favorite time of year and 4th of July a big extended family gathering on the lake. All in the past. Feeling very sad.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well Barb, I figured not much was happening for you as you have not been posting updates and I am sorry to hear life is still empty for you. My recent experience showed me that having a reason to get out of bed in the morning greatly accelerated my climb out of the really dark pit. But unfortunately short lived as you can see. More thinking on the situation leads me to believe that the upset I felt was due to something not being right about what was said. My BS detector went off and I felt badly without knowing why. I don't need any confirmation and no need to know what actually went on behind the scenes, all I know is that I can't be somewhere where I don't feel comfortable. If you can't look me in the eye and tell me the truth then to heck with you.

 

Btdt, I don't care what explanation they make up for the reason behind things. I think it is their loss but mine is the bigger loss. I need to find something to do or else I fear falling into the pit again. They don't owe me any explanation but the terrible thing is, how bad is it when I can't even keep a VOLUNTEER job? I feel so bad I wish I didn't have to stay alive anymore.

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry that your life is sucky. How about I like you until you can like yourself again? I can do that.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh mm, you are a treasure! Yes, I'll take that. Now if I can find a way to turn off the part of me that cares about any of this and can just shut up and get along, this won't keep happening. I am sick of this, over and over again.

[mattinsmom]

(((HUG)))

[btdt]

Well Barb, I figured not much was happening for you as you have not been posting updates and I am sorry to hear life is still empty for you. My recent experience showed me that having a reason to get out of bed in the morning greatly accelerated my climb out of the really dark pit. But unfortunately short lived as you can see. More thinking on the situation leads me to believe that the upset I felt was due to something not being right about what was said. My BS detector went off and I felt badly without knowing why. I don't need any confirmation and no need to know what actually went on behind the scenes, all I know is that I can't be somewhere where I don't feel comfortable. If you can't look me in the eye and tell me the truth then to heck with you.

 

Btdt, I don't care what explanation they make up for the reason behind things. I think it is their loss but mine is the bigger loss. I need to find something to do or else I fear falling into the pit again. They don't owe me any explanation but the terrible thing is, how bad is it when I can't even keep a VOLUNTEER job? I feel so bad I wish I didn't have to stay alive anymore.

I took a lot of hits like this mostly with family when i was early into this.  I have a large extended family and so have plenty of places to volunteer as most are older than I am in need of help.  It was serial issues it seemed to be with everyone everywhere I went... that is the point where I had to take a look at it ... was I born into a family where they were like wolves ... was it me... was it some mix of both these issues... I could not figure it out as I was not well enough and it was too complex ...everything was for a long time. I don't know if this is the same with you or not it may be nothing like this and not apply at all.  

Things seemed to close in on me more than once and I could not see things clearly enough to get tot he bottom of it... I just could not do it. I could not care either so I was caught.  I decided not sure if that is the right word... not sure if I actually decided or if I could do nothing else... I stayed away... I had to as I could not deal with it. I could not function well enough to deal with them... tho I did help here and there when I could I had to pull back... I adjusted my feelings when I was there to be ...removed and stayed only a short time. A LOT depended on how well I was as waves were big then still.  

After all this time I find I am still having this from time to time I need to withdraw... as I did then and get a handle on things. 

I am not saying this is all withdrawal as people can be sh*tty even when your in withdrawal... I am saying our ability to deal with sh*tty people or events is lessened a lot when we are going thru this.  When I look back now some things I see were me some things I still think were caused by sh*tty people. I do feel for you not wanting to go back to the pit... been there too... and have been shoved out of the nest by myself in the past to escape it only to find I really need the nest... sometimes I have to stick to the nest and work on the pit. Does that make any sense at all... I am not sure. 

I need a nest a safe place it may be associated with a pit when the pit exists really on the inside... is what I mean. 

I think I mean the pit is on the inside not the staying home where you live not the nest... 

It goes where you go now I guess your saying the distraction allowed you to escape it... I am sorting this as I go... sorry if is stupid.  I am great believer in distraction to get thru this... big distraction lover. I think some of this inside stuff I found help with that book the power of now... really it helped me. I get the fear of thinking the pit will pop up if there is no distraction but there are other ways of distracting yourself that you can do alone when you need time alone... and to avoid sh*tty people... like reading that book ...I would suggest at the beach. 

It helped me to reform things how I thought... a different perspective...at the end of the day it may have been just a huge distraction even it that were true it was a positive one.  At times I just can't do people... since I have been grieving and have been sick I can't do people now.  this is a good reminder to me I should read that book again. 

If none of this relates in any way to where you are or where your coming from I am sorry I took a chance I do this often hoping maybe I am reading something between the lines ... that I see something or know what I am looking at and sometimes I am dead wrong I may be this time if I am please just ignore this.  Either way I wish you peace. I hope things are better. 

[btdt]

I am a huge believer in escape in whichever way you can be that a book or any other way... whatever helps get you thru the day to the next one all the while you are healing... love yourself as we here love you it will come in time. 

peace.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I think I understand what you mean about the pit being inside me and that truly is one of the things I am trying to escape, that feeling of utter despair and self loathing that makes me want to kill myself. For being a worthless person who cannot ever seem to find a place to get along and is doomed to spend her days doing solitary things. I am desperate for company as being here with my mother is for the most part just like being alone. She just never talks.

 

How odd she was yesterday, though. She has alternated between being comforting and tearing me down in her usual way. She tried to convince me that the person in charge would have her downfall one day and I had to gently remind her that tearing another person down to make oneself feel better was just not a good idea. I never ever remember her taking my side before in my life. It would always be her or my father telling me or accusing me of being the one in the wrong so that I always know in any situation that I am the one at fault. Even if I was in the 'right' for leaving, I am still the one who is suffering because I need distraction away from myself, the suicidal feelings are so much worse without distraction. She did try at one point that tactic (of assuming I did something wrong because she still feels she must be a mother and try to 'guide me')  and I slammed her hard on that one saying I do not need to be constantly reminded of my past mistakes, that only makes me feel worse and what can I do about them now? She did later apologize for that.

 

I also keep hoping for that feeling of 'helping' to take away the emptiness and loathing inside and it never seems to come. I am not ok just by myself and I don't know how to get there. I alternate between wanting to get out and try again or sitting here and letting the despair swallow me up. I'm gonna die anyway so what is the use.

 

Whether all of this is wd or my core issues I do not know. As far as what to do about any of this I have no idea. I just do not know what to do. But I do know that sitting at home will not magically cure me. I used to be able to sit by myself for long periods of time doing crafts or reading or fixing computers. Can't do that now but getting better. Should I just give up and hope that one of these days I will magically feel better about being alone?

 

I know you keep recommending that I read 'The Power of Now". At one time that book really helped me to slow down and relax a bit. But my journey into metaphysics and awakening is over. I got so messed up in the head believing in all that stuff that I neglected to fix my personality problems. As a consequence, I refuse to ever read any of that kind of stuff ever again nor will I ever attempt meditation again. I am not going to risk 'paradoxical relaxation response' happening to me again.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me, btdt. You have had such a hard time and so many bad things have happened to but you still try to help others. I am deeply touched.

[compsports]

Aw, CS. Thanks for the hug. Yeah, there is BS everywhere, I guess I have an extremely low tolerance for it. My mother keeps telling me that people perceive me as a threat because I am smart. Sure, I am smart about computers and the internet but it's because I like those things. But dumb about people. I had no hidden agenda here, I just needed a reason to leave the house every day. But I feel as though I am accused of having one and I just don't want to sit around watching while this person stresses out trying to to everything herself because she can't delegate.

 

Ouch, life hurts.

 

Hope your day is going better than mine, CS.

Ah CW, I have similar type issues as I have always had a difficult time with office politics. I just had no idea that you had to deal with this in a volunteer assignment.

 

Now that the coreg that I was taking is finally history, I am doing much better.   Thanks!

[compsports]

Well Barb, I figured not much was happening for you as you have not been posting updates and I am sorry to hear life is still empty for you. My recent experience showed me that having a reason to get out of bed in the morning greatly accelerated my climb out of the really dark pit. But unfortunately short lived as you can see. More thinking on the situation leads me to believe that the upset I felt was due to something not being right about what was said. My BS detector went off and I felt badly without knowing why. I don't need any confirmation and no need to know what actually went on behind the scenes, all I know is that I can't be somewhere where I don't feel comfortable. If you can't look me in the eye and tell me the truth then to heck with you.

 

Btdt, I don't care what explanation they make up for the reason behind things. I think it is their loss but mine is the bigger loss. I need to find something to do or else I fear falling into the pit again. They don't owe me any explanation but the terrible thing is, how bad is it when I can't even keep a VOLUNTEER job? I feel so bad I wish I didn't have to stay alive anymore.

CW,

 

If a company is so picky that they don't want you as a volunteer, then that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  Heck, if someone were running a company and the most socially impaired person on this earth volunteered to work for free,  they would be idiots if they couldn't find a way to use them.  Not saying that about you by the way but just trying to make a point.

 

Hang in there.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, if anything, thinking about how to respond has caused me to think more and more about this situation and what I can learn from it. Not that it will solve my problems, I still feel the urge to end everything.

 

It had to do with helping out with entering the accounting. It wasn't getting done, the person who was doing it was doing it wrong and it was a mess. So they got one of the old accountants to come back and she was teaching me how to do it. I thought I had it worked with her about sharing the backup file through an online cloud but the other day I was sent an email message saying that it could no longer be done that way, it had to go back to the old way. The old way being on the director's computer which I had no access to just like before. She'd be using it and not getting the accounting done because she was doing so many other things. So it was like being told in an email thanks, but no thanks, we don't want you to do this anymore and gave some lame excuse why. Something which made no sense. I think the real reason here was that the accountant did not want to admit she did not understand how to share the file and did not want to ask how it worked.

 

She (the head person in the only paid position in the organization) said she was trying to get me on as a paid assistant but the way she was going about it wasn't quite right. She had been telling the other members of the organization that I was so helpful to her yet I knew that she was not giving me anything to do that really helped anything. The only thing that was helpful was getting the accounting entered and keeping the invoices straight. That would have merited a small paid position, I thought. But after I was there for awhile and saw the way things were being run, I knew they would never ever pay someone to be there. After the lame email thing I started to look at what I had been doing there and saw it was not much. She just did not have me doing anything that meant anything and was doing things herself that were eating up her time and causing her to feel stressed. But she herself admitted she could not delegate any tasks because that made her feel 'nervous'. Then fine, don't delegate but don't tell everyone how 'helpful' I am. I felt embarrassed to be told that.

 

So feeling like I was being lied to and starting to question what I was doing there caused me to decide that there was not a good place for me to be. I am not well suited for sitting around and trying to look busy and am not the sort to demand that you give me something to do when you don't want to. So that is the problem I am faced with yet again, I don't belong and I don't know how to belong. What is the flaw in me that causes me to always be leaving places? There is absolutely no consolation to me to be told that it is them, not me, and I just haven't found my place yet. Bullsh*t. There is something wrong in me I can't see or change after all those years on meds and now dealing with the fallout from that. Sh*t, meds off and on my whole life and still not able to make a go of it. That's why I want to die.

 

My mother keeps telling me that people don't like to be around people that are smarter than they are. It is not my 'fault' that I like computers and can understand them. I try to help others understand them too. I'm a great speller and can correct grammar but I don't shove it in people's faces (or do I? Is just mentioning it a shove?) I am the first to admit I like things to be right. So where do I find people who are smarter than I am, will I fit there if I can find such a place? Why can't I change and be more like what I see everyone else being like? Putting up with a boring uninteresting job with little real responsibility but doing it anyway? I was doing that until my sense that I was not being told he truth about why things were changing back to inefficient ways caused me to lose all desire to be associated with them. I'm willing to help, just give me something but make sure it is something I can see really is doing some good, not busy work. Is that the problem? Is that why I AM the problem?

 

Thanks for trying to help, CS. I think I would be better off if I was the most socially inept person trying to be a volunteer. That organization needs help but they don't want mine.

[mattinsmom]

Hi

 

It seems that you are having a hard time putting the blame where it belongs - on the agency/people who aren't open to your full potential. It is not a lack in you, or an "ineptness". I still like you. (((hug)))

[Rhiannon]

I have to agree with the others. Unless you are doing ridiculously inappropriate things like coming to work with your underwear on the outside, or harassing and abusing other volunteers, or embezzling, I guarantee you there are organizations that would be able to make use of your volunteer labor and be grateful for it.

 

I find that even in my paid job I have to tiptoe around egos to get the opportunity to do things I want to do. Organizations that work with volunteers are not necessarily any more "together" or efficient or good at managing people than any other kind of organization.

 

It's not unusual at all to find people who get threatened when someone new comes in and quickly proves to know more than they do about what they're supposed to be the expert about. In fact I would say it's more unusual for people to be graceful in a situation like that. And I think that happens even more with volunteer situations, because when you're not paying people, you kind of have to put up with them and their BS in a way you wouldn't with paid employees.

 

It might be fun to think about volunteering for a lower-skill type of work, something you don't ordinarily do, like working in a garden, or taking care of children, or feeding people in a free meal kitchen--something where you can get out and be around people while you get to know the organization and understand its dynamics and politics, before getting into a highly responsible position where you might be threatening egos of people who aren't as good at what they do as you would be.  Then once you find an outfit where you feel like you're a good fit, you can upgrade your contributions.

 

I do encourage you to try again. If you were raised by a mother whose idea of helpful is to criticize you for what you do wrong, it wouldn't be surprising if you do tend to blame yourself for things you really shouldn't. And often in life we just do have to try again and try again before something works, or at least I do, all the time.

 

But sometimes even the trying can be an affirmation of your will to live, if you just enjoy it for what it is and try not to be too attached to the outcome.  And sometimes cool stuff happens. And just getting out of the house will be good for you--most of us don't do well as isolated hermits. Our brains and psyches thrive on novelty and stimulation and social contact.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you both mm and Rhi for trying to help me cope with this. Something about this situation or maybe just because of going through wd from psych meds has caused me to feel very horribly upset and all weekend long I was plagued by thoughts of suicide. (And still yet today). I just want to give up and have it all be over with, don't want to keep trying. But why suicide? That seems like such an extreme feeling for this and I am mystified.

 

I realize an online discussion board is not the place for all of my whining and wailing but I am frantically trying to think of something to make these feelings go away and hoping that if I just keep reading and talking about my experience something will happen. It's wishful thinking, isn't it. I can't get away from my feelings with drugs or alcohol, over work (no job), or whatever used to work. There's nothing.

 

Super critical parents. Mother alternately being critical (You never wanted to learn your lessons. It's your fault) or trying to help by taking my side (they'll realize it's their mistake; you are smart, people don't like people who are smarter than they are). Wanting anyone to help me soothe my wounded ego but ashamed to be needing reassurance at my age. Desperate to fit in and be useful but feeling so bad inside that I don't want to go out and inflict myself on others. I keep ending up in this place, no wonder I want to die. I keep thinking I am changing but I am not.

 

I am sorry, I have no where else to let this out. What I picked for a career while I was under the influence of meds is not working out for me now. I am not as eager to do dog grooming anymore, I have only a few clients left and don't want more. I still like dog sitting though. But that is not something that is called for every day. Don't seem to be getting many calls for computer work in this area. And that is a real solitary activity anyway. I want to be among people and getting along with them. Just don't know how to find a place to be.

 

Thanks letting me get this out. I want so desperately to be well, to be loved and appreciated and to feel like I am helping others. I want to feel good about myself and feel good about others too, not better than they are.

[Barbarannamated]

CW,

 

Your words ring so true for me, too. I wish I had the answer for both of us. It hurts to hear you going through this.

 

Love, B 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks, Barb. I just finished reading through your thread about not feeling at home and I am starting to feel a lot of that too. An inner panic that this will never go away and will just get worse and worse till I am forced to end my life. This is a totally different feeling that I have not had before and why is it so strong? I am frantic to find some activity to cover it up but there is none. I don't want to shop and it is so blazing hot outside that I don't want to get out yet being in the house is agony.

 

Thanks to everyone that stops by to post. Barb, I wish we could help each other and everyone else too. This is a horrible way to have to live.

[alex]

 

. An inner panic that this will never go away and will just get worse and worse till I am forced to end my life.

 

Hi CW, I am sorry your'e going through this hell.

I`ve been there, and I know how it is.

I've had EXACTLY the same horrendous fears and thoughts...IT IS withdrawal.

They will go away, as well as the other symptoms;trust me.

You are in early wd.7 months isn't much for protacted withdrawal.

Time, CW, you have to do anything it takes to survive the day, and it slowly but surely will get better.

 Hang in there.

 

Hugs,A.

[btdt]

I think I understand what you mean about the pit being inside me and that truly is one of the things I am trying to escape, that feeling of utter despair and self loathing that makes me want to kill myself. For being a worthless person who cannot ever seem to find a place to get along and is doomed to spend her days doing solitary things. I am desperate for company as being here with my mother is for the most part just like being alone. She just never talks.

 

How odd she was yesterday, though. She has alternated between being comforting and tearing me down in her usual way. She tried to convince me that the person in charge would have her downfall one day and I had to gently remind her that tearing another person down to make oneself feel better was just not a good idea. I never ever remember her taking my side before in my life. It would always be her or my father telling me or accusing me of being the one in the wrong so that I always know in any situation that I am the one at fault. Even if I was in the 'right' for leaving, I am still the one who is suffering because I need distraction away from myself, the suicidal feelings are so much worse without distraction. She did try at one point that tactic (of assuming I did something wrong because she still feels she must be a mother and try to 'guide me')  and I slammed her hard on that one saying I do not need to be constantly reminded of my past mistakes, that only makes me feel worse and what can I do about them now? She did later apologize for that.

 

I also keep hoping for that feeling of 'helping' to take away the emptiness and loathing inside and it never seems to come. I am not ok just by myself and I don't know how to get there. I alternate between wanting to get out and try again or sitting here and letting the despair swallow me up. I'm gonna die anyway so what is the use.

 

Whether all of this is wd or my core issues I do not know. As far as what to do about any of this I have no idea. I just do not know what to do. But I do know that sitting at home will not magically cure me. I used to be able to sit by myself for long periods of time doing crafts or reading or fixing computers. Can't do that now but getting better. Should I just give up and hope that one of these days I will magically feel better about being alone?

 

I know you keep recommending that I read 'The Power of Now". At one time that book really helped me to slow down and relax a bit. But my journey into metaphysics and awakening is over. I got so messed up in the head believing in all that stuff that I neglected to fix my personality problems. As a consequence, I refuse to ever read any of that kind of stuff ever again nor will I ever attempt meditation again. I am not going to risk 'paradoxical relaxation response' happening to me again.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me, btdt. You have had such a hard time and so many bad things have happened to but you still try to help others. I am deeply touched.

I wish I could say I did something to make the suicidal thoughts and despair go but for me it was like a time came the veil lifted... as in the real dark negative bit it just eased for no apparent reason.  

In my gut I truly believe it is withdrawal and I had given up by the time it came I was sure it would never leave me as it had been with me such a long unbending time... I had resigned myself to it long before it ended.  I thought all these others I read about it ended for them why not me... then I looked at all the years I had been drugged and thought it was just too many years to overcome.  I decided to stay as long as I could and while I was here to help those I love and those I owe as I have a lot of making up to do. I try but life may not be long enough to fix the huge mess I have created while drugged.

I am not saying it is all peaches I still despair I still have days where I think I want out... mostly I think because where this dance with drugs has left me ... in a bad situation with little hope. Really I rent a room don't work don't know if I ever will again... I have enough to eat.. I am not stellar with other people... I get by with those I have to get on with usually just barely.  

Still I know this place you speak of and I am out of there and for me sure I have a lot of things to fix and a lot maybe can't be fixed BUT that withdrawal despair is brain chemistry that adjusts in time... that is how I see it... after a short time where it seemed to ease it then came back for another go at me. I will not get into this here as it may not happen to you.  I hope it doesn't.  The books any book pick one or all else tapping EFT whatever ... gave me something to do.. perhaps a new perspective... whatever keeps you busy and keeps you here is worth doing.

For me personally there is not way I could go sit at place all day and volunteer it is not in me not even yet. So my hat is off to you for what you attempt to do... I just hope this idea of fixing yourself by pushing yourself is not the things that makes it too much... I hope not.

We are changing in withdrawal even what did not sit well with you at 3 months may be better at 6 or what was good at 6 may not be at 12 or 18 months... or that is how it was for me always shifting.

I have had two drug reactions and a car accident in the past two years ... all these things caused me to be suicidal but I do not have it on me constantly like I was did when I was really struggling with withdrawal.. for me that was chemistry and nothing I did would keep it away. Mind you I had made a complete mess out of my life too so that did not help.

I keep looking for something you can get a hold on and seems I come up empty a lot but that is ok I will keep trying.  

Your mom I think is trying to help you even tho it may not seem like it. My mom use to do the same if she thought people were running on me she would say they will get theirs lol her simple way in her powerlessness to vent... and show she was on my side... we both knew it was harmless just a way for her to show she was on my side.

the other bit I don't know about... maybe it was constructive criticism or a bad attempt at it... she talked she tried I am sure she loves you whatever her faults... I wish you both peace.   

[btdt]

I just read your other post... wanting things done right.. ya I have that bug too.  I hate it when people waste time and do things that befuddle me when the better way is right in front of them.  I hate politics and suck at it. I think your ran into that politics... and as much as you may not like to admit it your Mom was right they are not as smart as you and you threaten them. I am sure if you would like to keep pushing forward you will find a place that likes to have things done right where they would welcome you skill.  Thing is what of their politics ick... I am not social and don't do social well especially lately when I have not felt well.  I just as soon rip a face off as talk to a person before I use to think it was all me I was wrong lately don't care who is right or who is wrong I have no tolerance for stupidity or ineptness I am sure this has made me not nice to be around.  And guess what I don't care about that either... I just don't care. I stay by myself eating pain pills/antibiotics  and sleeping all I want... and I do not care one iota who likes it and who doesn't. I do not care to fit in it does not bother me today.  I will make my way when I am well or I will not.  I will figure that out later. 

Had this particular illness hit me when I was in withdrawal I would likely be worrying about what people were thinking ect as that is all I did then.... now I don't give a crap. I read above somebody said you were 7 months into cold turkey but from my calculations you will be 2 years in Nov??? right or not? 

that is 19 months off... which is right? 

I had a wave at 18 months after I had a window ... I had felt better then it hit around that time and was bad it eased in time.  Just wondering about the timeline. 

I think you should interview them next time see what system they are using and if there is anything you can learn there... tell them you would like to learn something more advanced than what you already know so as to keep your interest and make it worth your bother.  Why not... it may help you feel more like your doing something you want to do. 

I still think this is withdrawal and you mentioned the word magic before for me it was almost like that I could not see one thing I did to cause a change ... nothing it just happened all on its own... I read a lot of books prayed a lot tried it all. Still wish you peace and I believe you will have it too.  in time.

[Petunia]

I have no idea what to write, and I wish there was some way to fix this and help you feel better.  I can give drug tapering information, but life information.... well, I didn't get a handbook for that either and some of us really need the troubleshooting section, for when nothing we try works any more.

 

I agree with Alex that much of this is withdrawal related, it makes us feel and react much more intensely than what we normally would, but to very real underlying issues.  Protracted withdrawal is like a magnifying glass placed over our reality.

 

The only thing which comforts me in my most excruciating moments is something which is no longer right for you, so I'm not going to go there.  But know that I think about you often and wish I could help in some way.

 

I agree with the others about your job, definitely not your fault and quite stupid of them to let you go. 

 

((hugs))

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Alex, Barb, btdt and Petu,

 

I am glad you are willing to try to help me through this, I just don't understand fully what has happened and if this is what withdrawal (or more accurately, adjusting to being without ADs?) is like, then that helps a little. I am just so shocked at how strong the suicide feelings are, they weren't nearly this bad in the worst moments of these past months or maybe they are just bad in a different way.

 

Alex I remember thinking it odd that after not hearing from you for a while you would post about feeling suicidal and I wondered what had happened to have you feel like that. There was some event that happened, right? It didn't just come over you. Or did it? That is why this is so awful, there were events that happened and I was in the middle of them. So it must be me, not some wave waiting to wash over me.

 

During this past winter, when I was going through the beginning of protracted wd, my mother, who had never really talked to me, started telling me that all of these years she stood by and watched while I did things she just knew I would never stick with. Knew I wouldn't make it as a nurse, wouldn't stay married, all the mistakes she stood by and watched me make. I started thinking of all of the jobs I tried, all of the different things I tried to do and saw how that when things fell apart it was always me. Something about the job or the people or something wasn't right so I felt I had to leave. The very same thing that happened at this place. What started as a volunteer job answering the phone morphed into something else with the promise of it being a paid position. And then ended up with me feeling uncomfortable and disillusioned and the feeling that someone was not being honest with me. So I couldn't stay.

 

I am acutely feeling the sting of another failure and starting at a life stretching into the future filled with more of the same. Where do I go from here? I have to fit myself to what is available and there is not much. Minimum wage jobs. Volunteering. Sitting at home crawling the walls wanting to be productive. Making crafts but not being able to sell them. Sitting here or anywhere just hating being me. No escape into drugs or alcohol or shopping or work.

 

I saw that with getting out of the house and doing something that my recovery really accelerated and I found that my intelligence came back. To go back to sitting here alone is crushing. To take what little money I have and try to search for a therapist to help make me well seems like not a very attractive idea. All of the problems that led me to seek help with meds are still here and I am at a loss to overcome them. Meditation and the search for for some kind of meaning had my head in the clouds and got me a nasty case of protracted wd, not to mention wasting my time on airy fairy ideas a lot of which led to buying books and going to retreats and such which did a lot to further other people's financial abundance but didn't give me a feeling of peace or abundance in return.

 

I look at the people around me, my friends and people I know. They stuck with their jobs and they have nice houses, husbands, and seem well adjusted and for the most part accepting of life. Here I am, not finding a place to stay and be productive and helpful and feeling lost and alone and sick to boot. I despair of ever feeling ok in my own skin. The problem is definitely me and the drugs did nothing to fix that.

 

Btdt, I take some comfort in you telling me of going through these stages too. Are these really stages or is the real me showing through in all of its ugliness? Petu, I am always so comforted by what you write. I want to be more like you (or who I think you are, kind and compassionate and accepting) and not who I am (selfish, whiny, unhappy). I don't know what to do. Do I stop posting here? I am not tapering, I'm off the drugs in the most disastrous way. It is not working well for me. I once thought I would be able to recover from this, now I don't know.

[Addax]

CW-

I'm sorry your having such a bad wave and are struggling so much. Our own minds can be our worst enemies sometimes. With withdrawal hoping on that bandwagon it's like a double barrel attack. My mind was quite mean to me during my last attempt to withdrawal. It bordered on cruel. I think this time around when my brain is mean to me, knowing that the route of meanness is withdrawal made the thoughts less powerful.

 

Part of me wants to dispute with you about some of the thoughts you are having, but I don't want to patronize you.

 

I did want to say one thing about where you were volunteering. You had mentioned your supervisor having difficulty delegating... So it sounds like her own control issues got in her way. If she doesn't understand the ins and outs of what those she supervises are doing she's going to be threatened by the perceived lack of control. It had more to do with her than with you. Also, as an aside, I don't know if anyone told you why they opted to withdrawal from using the cloud and return to using the old way, but I do know that I've heard of this happening before because of concerns about "the cloud's" security. It's not as secure as some people believe, and a lot of people are wary of storing confidential or sensitive information in the cloud.

 

That's just my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

 

One last thing... The humane society near me has recently reached out to groomers (and photographers) to volunteer their services in the hope of making there dogs more appealing. I know you wrote that you didn't love grooming and weren't looking for more clients, but maybe it would feel different as a volunteer? Just a thought...

 

I know this wave you are in will pass, but I hope it passes quickly.

 

I was writing as you were posting, so I wanted to add:

 

don't stop posting! This is what this site is for. We post what we feel, we "whine", and complain and vent... It can be cathartic. But we also get feedback, support, help... And sharing our stories helps others, even people we don't even know and who never comment and interact. You wrote that knowing btdt had struggled with similar things made you feel better. I know reading that people have experienced similar things was incredibly reassuring. Your story is important, and someone will find it and read it and be reassured and find strength from your story. Like me, I'm sure people probably have already.

[mattinsmom]

Nowhere else to let this stuff out? This is a place to do just that. There are no reasons for apologies. I know that i use this as a combination of my journal and a place to get and give support. If we all kept our  rougher things, our letting it out, to ourselves there wouldn't be that camaraderie. Even tho I don't "know" people in this group I consider the ones that I do friends. I've received more guanine support here than I have from some of me "real friends".

 

Please don't stop talking. I know that I would feel very alone when I have the thoughts and feelings that you are expressing. I also know that it helps me to be able to get out of my head for a minute and reach out to someone else.  .  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh Addax and mattinsmom, I thank you so much for reaching out to me. Keeping these feelings inside of me is so painful and constantly having it running through my head is torture, this never ending hating of everything about myself. Addax, I know I am being hard on myself but I cannot seem to help it. This is too much like everything that has gone on before me in my life and I am starting to really panic that when the time comes and I have to start working again, there will be no place for me.

 

One of the ladies, a board member, called me today needing a password. I came out and asked her just what she thought happened. Yes, the organization is in trouble and the head person has personal problems too. They are deeply in the hole and she agreed that a paid position should never have been dangled in front of me. But what she did was tell me flat out is that I am no good with people. I am good with technical stuff but not helpful with people. That is really hard to take but it matches my life experience. Where can I go and what can I do that there are not people? How can I change that about myself or is it too late? Why do I have friends? I don't understand. I mean I understand but I don't know what to do. I guess that means volunteering is out. Unless it is in a back room somewhere.

 

I am relieved to know it wasn't all me but how do I change myself? Or do I just keep trying to find a place and when I start to feel uncomfortable (because I know they are not telling me I don't fit in), leave and find somewhere else. I can't sit at home, I will die. Thanks for reading and being here for me, I know no one has my answers. I don't want to die.

[mattinsmom]

Anyone who says that you are "not good with people" and doesn't follow that with an example and possible ways to improve on those skills is not good with people. 

 

I know you don't like you very much right now. I hear that you want to. This might sound silly but what if you try to write 3 things that you like about yourself before you go to bed at night and then read them in the morning. Something like I'm brave enough to keep coming back to this forum. It takes a lot to put yourself out there. 

 

Just a suggestion.

[Addax]

I was very happy to read, " I don't want to die."

 

I like Mattinsmom's idea a lot!

 

It is hard to help being hard on ourselves.  That's why there's that phrase about people being their own worst critic.  

 

Volunteering is not out of the question!  It's just a matter of finding a good fit, just like a paid position.  And sometimes its not having to change as a person, so much as having to change perspective, learning to be more tolerant of people, and/or getting better at reading people.  It's very difficult to find a group of like minded people.  Being intelligent, as you seem to be, can make that even harder... or so I've heard . 

 

I don't know what you (or the woman who called for the password) mean by "not good with people."  I have a great friend who can be horrible with people.  For instance, shortly after I introduced her to someone she stated to this person, "there is nothing remotely attractive about that tattoo."  They are friends now, but that was a bit of a set back.  I also worked in a vet's office years ago where one of the vet techs was terrible with people.  Horrible!  I'm guessing that might be why he chose to work with animals. He confided in me once that he didn't particularly enjoy people. He was truly gifted with dogs, and I know he had friends.  I have a family member who, if he weren't a family member, I would have had a very difficult time wanting to spend enough time with to get past his lack of people skills. On the flip side of that, he is a good, caring person.  His ability to "read" people is definitely impaired though.  It seems that most surgeons aren't great with people either.

 

The one thing these people have in common is their intelligence and their unwillingness to put on a fake facade or buy into the facades of other people.   Like yourself, they are very real people, and sometimes other people have trouble with that.  My friend who made the comment about the other person's tattoo?  She was right, it was not an attractive tattoo.  And she didn't have to change for me or anyone else to like her.  WE had to get past our own stuff and her wonky first impression.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't have her in my life and I very much like her there.  Of course, if you're going around randomly poking people in the eye... that might be something you should change . 

[btdt]

I swear to God every word I said to you is true!

Btdt, I take some comfort in you telling me of going through these stages too. Are these really stages or is the real me showing through in all of its ugliness?

I would like to run a poll on here to see who is feeling wonderful in withdrawal who has not thought of suicide and something constantly during some phases if anyone is able to set up a poll I think it would be worth doing... I am quite sure of the results already as I have talked to hundreds of people over years on sites like this and already know the answer. 

We all have ugly bits and they are magnified when we are in withdrawal ... for months all I thought of was everything that was WRONG with me.. all the way back to grade two... I should have known I would end up like this look what happened in grade two when I suddenly could not read the word "could" after reading it all wk... I am stupid... !! for...F .....sakes it was severely ridiculous what my withdrawing self was torturing me with ... yet I sat and sucked it up continually thinking of ways to die...

 

It is all a LIE it is brain chemistry it is withdrawal.. God forbid something in my real would happen to back up the conviction I already had at the time. The slightest thing people who loved me would say that could be thought of as negative would put me into a mess for days or wks... more fuel for the fire... I am so glad I had other people in withdrawal to talk to that told me basically what I said to you... it is withdrawal or Effexor thought.. this is not reality not really not yet... it takes time but it will pass.

 

I did not always believe them but I did not want to hurt my family by dying and I did not feel I was completely competent to decide if I was or wasn't in withdrawal and having some sort of withdrawal reaction because after all I was STUPID... see how it was a trap.

I anybody had said I was not good with people it would not matter who.. or how inept they were... at a certain stage of withdrawal I would have been going thru my entire life finding things to prove this correct... I believed any negative thing and not one positive thing ... this is the negativity trap of withdrawal it is a stage it was for me I could not get out... I eventually tried to ... stop taking it in as I was very close sometimes... and it got very scary... I had to protect myself.  I withdrew... I know you say that is not the answer for you you need to be out... I don't have all the answers I can just tell you how it went for me and hope something hits home with you... I still think this is a phase.

 

I am so glad I am beyond that point and some day you will be too.

I am not sure what I can say to have you believe this and I know how hard it can be to grasp... as I did not get it either.  I was not even sure about withdrawal as most others had not gone cold turkey so I was not exactly the same as them and I thought I could not relate to most.  I stuck around for months and months reading and writing when I could... I think it was a long time in before i just connected with something powerful that kept me glued it was like a magnet from then on I had to know everything I could. 

 

I don't know how to convince you.. I wish I did.  There are a few old posts that come to mind but they were as they say on another site a couple of other sites actually and all my stuff from both places has been deleted other wise I would have a couple of links for you about this subject that may be helpful in convincing you.  Since both are now missing I got nothing ... sorry I wish I did.  I just have me the truth my experience and years of reading on sites like this. If you could maybe you could make a poll you know computers?  Not sure it would be ok with Alto but maybe... me I could not even dream of how to put that together. 

I wish you peace... that is all I got I hope it is just enough  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Addax,

 

you said this:

 

 

Volunteering is not out of the question!  It's just a matter of finding a good fit, just like a paid position.  And sometimes its not having to change as a person, so much as having to change perspective, learning to be more tolerant of people, and/or getting better at reading people.  It's very difficult to find a group of like minded people.  Being intelligent, as you seem to be, can make that even harder... or so I've heard .

 

And I have been thinking so hard on why this has all been so upsetting. Btdt is saying that this phase is something she has been through, and others too: my inability to think of anything good about myself and only seeing over and over again in my mind all of the horrible things I have done, all the mistakes I have made.

 

I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what it is about me that I don't seem to fit it. It is because I don't. I am not a 'fit in' person like Addax mentions: some surgeons are like that and the vet tech.To me the 'job' has always been more important than the people. Doing it right, getting it done. I am not only critical of myself but extend that to others. I can see where things could be done better. I can actually remember 2 places I worked, both of them as a delivery driver for fast food, where I actually had the nerve to tell the people I worked with what they were doing wrong. I got asked to leave and it was no surprise to me that both places folded up shortly afterwards. One of those places kept my pay too.

 

I have had so many jobs doing different things. Kept thinking if I could find the right thing, it would work out. But it's not 'what' I do it is 'who' I am. I don't play well with others. I am not a 'people' person. I don't do 'chit chat' very well. Barb made that comment to me some days ago and it struck a nerve but I didn't know why. I always leave jobs as soon as I start to feel uncomfortable. Didn't used to be that way, I got fired from some jobs. So I thought I was getting smart and left them first. Still doing that I see now, volunteer job or not. The lady didn't have to give me any examples of how I was not good with people, I know she is right.

 

I had a job one time as a nurse and in a periodic evaluation I was told I was 'passive-aggressive'. I resisted that for the longest time but I know it is true. I don't like to be told what to do and if you tell me to do something a certain way but I know my way is 'better', I don't want to do it. Period. So this is who I am and years of failures in every job I tried got me more and more depressed and drugs seemed to be the answer. They worked in a way but in a way they didn't. They covered up my problems enough that I was able to work for myself. I became good at computers and got along with the animals. But when I lost customers, for what ever reason, as time went on I never realized what I should be doing to keep a steady supply of customers. And the drugs were making me apathetic and sedated and at times anxiety broke through and I had to cancel work. They were making me sick instead of working for me like they initially did.

 

I have one piece of self awareness that came to me this morning. When I was little, mom and dad took me to a baseball game. After we climbed the steep steps up into the cheap seats and sat down, mom says I turned to them and said 'Now what do we do?' 'Watch the game', they said. Huh? That's not doing anything. I want to know what I am supposed to do because in myself, I don't know what to do. Guess I was born this way and it's not something my parents did to me. I have to work because people don't throw money my way (but the promises of some of the woo woo 'abundance' trainings I went to in my years of living in California kind of promised that) but what do I do? What does a person who is not 'good with people' do? Can I change? How do I change? I don't want to be me anymore. Is anyone else here like me?

 

Not being a people person is why church never worked for me because church is about people. I have friends, a lot of people seem to like me and I like them back. But as far as working and finding a place to volunteer goes, I seem to be a lost cause. Can I find a therapist who can tell me how to change? Addax, you said I need to become more tolerant, change my perspective. I don't seem to know how to do that. My inability to do so over and over again has brought me to this place where I would rather stop trying and just die.

 

Btdt, you said you decided to find a way to leave the world a better place. Something like that. I am stuck in the selfishness of wanting to survive and stop hating myself and the only way I can see to do that is to hope one day I simply become another person. If I can just survive the suicidal urges. I am not in any danger of doing anything, I just have the the thoughts and sense of futility and all that comes with it which is why I sought help in drugs to begin with.

 

I read the success stories and I believe recovery is possible for some people but not me. Because I seem to still be the same person I was before I took the drugs. Nothing much has changed. I will recover from the drugs but not from who I am. My girlfriend told me that I am good working with people one on one but to stay away from any job working with the public. Great. That leaves me not a whole lot of choices in a land of minimum wage jobs. And I am older to boot.

 

Thanks for all who have tried to help. I guess I need to pray for a miracle even though I know that won't work. And just plan on cycling through more places till I have run out of options and stay alive as long as I can.

[btdt]

The way you are now is it exactly the way you were before you went on drugs?  If the answer is yes then maybe I am all wet and just wrong.  For one moment consider that withdrawal changes the way we think I could not control it.  Even looking back over my life it all looked one way to me... failure and disaster.  Now that I have come out of it to some extent out of that deep negativity phase I do not see things the same.  I could when in that rut just put one foot in front of the other and move sometimes other times I laid in bed... I read withdrawal sites I felt out of touch and far away from most of the stories all except for the darkest no hope ones... and I gravitated towards them as that is where I felt at home. I was bleak and I could see no way out..none. I posted over and over about how horrid life was because for me then it was. 

I started to do what I thought was the basics of life of making a step forward tried to eat... tho I was very ill much of the time... tried to walk once a day no matter how short... stuff that seemed normal to me.  Some of the things people were doing to get ahead I could not grasp... it seemed all foo foo to me and out of my world. I did some things out of sheer desperation such as Tapping on the utube site EFT the one with the english guy... it seemed to make me feel a teeny tiny bit different.  

When you say 

Btdt, you said you decided to find a way to leave the world a better place

I went to this because being wrapped up in my hopeless self was useless I felt I would never change a thing... it was never going to happen so I accepted this is how it was going to be forever. 

this is exactly how it was for me

"just plan on cycling through more places till I have run out of options and stay alive as long as I can" 

I always had suicide as an option.  A back up plan as I was sure one day I would not be able to go another step and plenty of days I did feel that way and stayed in bed. I just laid there.  

I would think of those I would leave behind and had I done whatever I could for them ... was I done.  Was there anything else I would like to see before I went... another birthday party for my niece what would be the very best present I could give her at the last party I would be there for... stuff like that would go thru my head and I would make a plan that I would get her that present and be there for that party cause she would sadly miss me if I were not there ... and then I could go.  So many thoughts and the OCD too... eekk that is part of this time... not being able to get off a topic.  Even the suicide topic was maddening.  

One day I put the heat on my back because my bad hurt and closed the curtains because my eyes hurt and put on the ocean to drown out the sound of the traffic.  It was transforming... all those things I did to get away from pain of one form or another... still I accidentally found what would be my source of reprieve.  I don't know how your path will be what way you will take will you come by it accidentally or by seeking.  I don't know but I know this state you in and it is phase no matter how withdrawal wants to trick you into thinking all this your stuck on now is all you are it is a lie.... you are much more you just can't see it now it is the nature of the beast and it will end. 

I so wish you peace. 

[mammaP]

Hi CW, I've just caught up with your thread and I'm sorry that the job didn't work out. 

Don't beat yourself up, you have a lot of good qualities that will be appreciated by someone,

it is just finding the right place. So you are nor good with people? Lots of people are not good

with other people and just can't work in close proximity with others. We are all different and just

because you aren't a 'people person'  doesn't mean you have to change who you are.

 

I agree too that the person who is unable to delegate has a problem and that is no your fault. 

You are good with your hands and maybe could transform some things that have been donated

to charity shops? Maybe a little desk in a corner where you could restring beads and upcycle

jewellery (yep, that is how we spell it here in the UK ) by taking it apart and recreating something

different.  It's something I've thought about doing here when I'm a bit more stable.  

There are many organisations out there that would appreciate you for who you are and the work you do,

it's finding them that is the hard bit.  Maybe some of the charities would like help with websites or even 

listing donated goods on Ebay or similar online sales pages. 

 

I'm so sorry that you are in this wave and have this setback. You will bounce back from this, I know you will.

 

Mamma hugs. xx