Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[geminigirl]

Hi downtowngirl,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Can Alto or any of the mods recommend what I should do regarding the dosage?

 

I decided to keep taking it after reading everything you guys wrote to me especially alto and all the other mods.

 

Should I just keep taking 10 mg but split into 3 doses?

 

People also said to keep taking the meds even if I dont feel really great when I take them, so as to prevent even worse crashes in the future.

 

But aren't i one of those people that has already a destabilized CNS with withdrawal so it doesnt matter if I take the drug or not? Or can it get worse than what I am already experiencing?

 

Someone also asked this before and I have a similar question:

 

"If in withdrawal(as i am) but still on med, doesn't it keep confusing the whole system and prevents healing?
I know stabilizing is best by not changing anything, But it seems to contradict body's repair response"?

 

Can someone answer this question?

[Altostrata]

Yana, I don't understand what you're asking. Are you talking about taking Celexa again?

 

Use your best judgment. Re-read this topic every time you have questions. As you ask the same questions over and over, you'll find whatever answers I or the mods can give you already posted here.

 

I honor your wishes to determine your own taper. I hope you can understand, I won't be answering your questions any more.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Yana,

 

In Post #450 Shep asked about whether you are drinking alcohol:

 

 

Hi, Yanah.

 

I read through your thread, and I noticed the below post regarding alcohol. Alcohol affects the CNS and can make withdrawing from these drugs much worse.

 

Was this a one time occurrence or is this something ongoing? 

 

 

 

Hey guys.

I made a bad mistake last night. I'm in the process of tapering and I missed a dose last night and also got drunk.

I feel really crappy and the withdrawal feels a lot worse. Sweating, headache, sensitive to bright lights.

I know the worst thing is drinking while doing this but I was having a horrible day.

Do you know when I'll get better?

Thanks

 

 

[nz11]

ok 'whats the buzz tell me whats a-happenin'. Did you reinstate?

Doing irrational things and impulsive things and self destructive things are all withdrawal symptoms. Sorry you are in this difficult place.

 

People also said to keep taking the meds even if I dont feel really great when I take them, so as to prevent even worse crashes in the future.

 

I think People has given you some wise advice.

 

 

But aren't i one of those people that has already a destabilized CNS with withdrawal so it doesnt matter if I take the drug or not? Or can it get worse than what I am already experiencing?

I think you know the answer to this.

 

"If in withdrawal(as i am) but still on med, doesn't it keep confusing the whole system and prevents healing?

 

So what are you suggesting then.

There are some good links here on keeping things stable and slow and stuff like that. They could be worth checking out. No pressure of course. Totally up to you if you want to read them. But they have good advice.

What really confuses the system is when you start playing around with doses on a daily basis.

It can take months to stabilize after a too fast taper and an updose.

[JanCarol]

Gemini Girl:  

When you say Alto this community can't help me that hurts my feelings cuz I feel it has been helping me somewhat. Just people relying to me etc.

 

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but you are not looking at the whole picture here.

 

By spouting your violence you have lost trust here.  You have potentially harmed people who read your words.  You have violated the gentle suggestions offered you by this site.  Did you think you could post that kind of violence without consequence?  I mean, it's a free world after all.  But it is accepted, when you come to SA, that you are well enough to take care of your own mental and emotional well being.  Even when it gets very hard.

 

Imagine if you had gone to a shopping mall and yelled those words.  What would have happened to you?  

 

You would have been caught.  Taken by police or ambulance and taken to a hospital, until your behaviour was contained.

 

This, too, is a public place.  I encourage your to write and rant and rave in your own private space:  keep a journal, write a blog.  But please think carefully before you post it here, where other people are suffering.

 

How can we  trust you with any dosage suggestions?  Anything we advise you could throw you into another one of those "fits."  Unless you can control your own behaviour, you are not a good candidate for SA.  Whatever we tell you - 5 mg over 3 doses, 10 mg over 5 doses, 2 mg 3x a day - whatever it might be - you will do as you want, and "blame" the drug or the advice, for your hardship.

 

But aren't i one of those people that has already a destabilized CNS with withdrawal so it doesnt matter if I take the drug or not? Or can it get worse than what I am already experiencing?

 

It can get worse.  Especially if you keep bouncing your doses. SA advice is always, has always been about slow, careful changes.  Scally asked if you could handle some honest feedback, and you said:  

I am a bit sensitive to words and people now so please be easy on me if it is a harsh feedback or criticism.

 

So what are we supposed to do here?  If you are going to erupt into violent language (which will get you warned, and banned if persistent), how can I begin to make a suggestion?

 

We all have PTSD, and nearly all of us have a background which includes trauma and betrayal.  

 

I cannot make an exception for you - allow you to scream about your PTSD and violent inclinations - but tell another that it is not acceptable? Additionally, why should I tiptoe around your PTSD, when you so obviously ran right over mine?  And everyone else's?

 

It is my feeling that your therapy is leading you into deeper trauma, not out and away from it.

 

How, too, can I trust myself to make a recommendation?  Whatever I recommend, you will choose what you choose, and then you might do something damaging, explosive, or dangerous again.  I am now afraid to make a recommendation to you, as you are so sensitive and potentially explosive.

 

You need face to face support.  Whether that's AA (they are good, even if you are not an alcoholic - the life coping skills taught there are valuable for anyone), or church, or volunteering at the animal shelter.  

 

However, if, in person, you behaved like you did here, there would be consequences.  Wouldn't there?  Did you think that the anonymity of the internet could save you from consequences?  If that is what you want, start a blog, don't pollute SA with it.

 

I will be locking this thread after this post.  Mods are discussing the consequences of your episode, and how to protect SA from this damage in trust.  You will be restricted to this thread, and your posts will be reviewed by moderators.  You will likely be allowed to post 1x per day, so choose your words carefully.  Hopefully this can help you be more mindful of the effect your words have on others.  

 

It pains me to have to do this.  But there are consequences when you lose control.  I am only responding to your loss of control.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon, and that you get the help you need.  I hope that SA can be helpful, too, but that's up to you.

[nz11]

So how are you feeling GG

I'm glad that JC reopened your intro. I missed all the caps lock posts...probably a good thing.

Online support can be such a lifeline esp since the people here 'get it'.

 

You have to remember at sa we are simply a guest in another persons house and as such we have to manage ourselves appropriately.

I know i said some terrible things in withdrawal too. I had never sworn in front of my parents before but withdrawal changed all that.

 

Hang in there.

nz11

[Martina23]

Gemini, I am also happy that we can write you now. When I was tapering I had also an adverse reaction to drug. In the tapering of the second half of drug I felt always nearly to vomit when I took the Lyrica. I also felt that it literally poisons me. I had then luck because my body allowed me to taper the rest of the drug very quickly (I went 10% from the original dose each 2-3 weeks) and once I was off I felt wonderfully. As if I had my life back. I think that the body really does not want to have any drugs inside and when it feels that you are reducing them it pushes that it wants off.

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys-

 

Just a small update. I am doing a lot better.

 

I just wanted to say thank you so much for everyone that has been supporting me here and writing me back. It is a weird phenomenon but when I am in withdrawal I don't understand that it is real people replying to me. I think they are just words on a computer.

 

Anyways, thank you for all the people who were here for me, even just virtually.

 

I also just want to send healing to everyone out there. I really feel this condition is so so so painful at times, isolating and cruel, both having been prescribed these drugs and withdrawal from them.

 

I don't know how we can do it, but I really hope together all of us can heal. I would not wish this suffering on my worst enemy.

 

Martina- Thanks for your lovely post. I totally feel like that is what was happening to me, that my body sensed the drug was bad and it had a stronger reaction to it than ever before. Whenever I take it now, I do notice a negative reaction. I notice also my eyes go to the top of my head more and I feel increased evil kind of life, like all is bad and dark. A few hours after taking the drug, it goes away.

 

I may try what you did, taper it more fast 10% every 3 weeks or so. But ya I think Alto suggested to see for a couple months how a 10% taper each month will be, and if there are minimal withdrawals, you can do it a bit faster.

 

I understand some people were offended when I wrote in Caps and started yelling and threatening. I understand a lot of people may think that is "wrong," and I get that. From my standpoint, I do not  believe any feelings are wrong or should not be typed. In fact, I believe taking away words or even hateful language from someone is a form of censorship.

 

If we censor things, how can people ever know where we were, or the hell we were in? I have written so many mean and crazy things over the years when I was on this drug. I would never erase those words now because when I am healed I can look back and see how much I suffered and how terrible things were. The madness can also be shown to others as proof of how dangerous these drugs are, to show them how a person can go from being a kind loving person to a raging lunatic.

 

I understand though the moderators point of view, a lot of people here don't know me, and they might believe I really am a raging lunatic because that is just who I am, but it really isn't. I have never condoned violence or being hateful to others.

 

If I did ever say those things it was because I was in mental turmoil, in akathesia. I had to let that energy go somewhere and I can't let it out in the real world. If I go out screaming like a mad person I may be arrested.

 

Unfortunately, I do not believe this is right either. We humans are not gods, neither are the police, psychiatrists, etc. If someone in my opinion wants to go outside and scream at the top of their lungs that they hate the world and want to kill everyone, I would be happy that they do this. I believe these words and screams are just energy, energy people need to let out.

 

I have always had a lot of energy in me that needs to come out, and I just need a place to get it out. It is necessary.

 

Animals often do this, they howl and screech and yell. It is natural.

 

For humans to go a little crazy and express their energy, even run around naked on the street, in my opinion is a good thing.

 

In fact, if people did this more I don't thing the madness would be taken out on others or eating us alive inside.

[Shep]

Hi, Yana.

 

I'm glad you felt up to posting again. The first part of your post was really good. 

 

However, the part where you write about how this site is "censoring" you is concerning. 

 

If we censor things, how can people ever know where we were, or the hell we were in?

 

 

We all want the medical professionals and others to know the dangers of these drugs and how much damage they do, but this isn't the right venue for what you're advocating. The volume has to be kept low in order for this forum to function. There are a lot of very sick and vulnerable members, and we simply can't function if members are allowed to go off on rants. It takes too much concentration for moderators to work out tapering strategies. It takes too much energy for members to approach your thread to offer you support knowing you may unpredictably go off. 

 

It simply won't work. 

 

If I did ever say those things it was because I was in mental turmoil, in akathesia. I had to let that energy go somewhere and I can't let it out in the real world. If I go out screaming like a mad person I may be arrested.

 

 

Please note that this web forum IS the "real world". There are real people here who are in crisis. For this reason, we don't allow members to post whatever they like.  Just like in the real world, there are consequences. 

 

Please read over this thread:

 

What will get you warned or banned

[Martina23]

Hello Geminigirl, please dont take yourself so seriously. You felt so, so you yelled. For me it shows nothing bad only, that you felt you have adverse reaction to the drug, and wanted to say that the strategy chosen is not working and has to be reworked. If you dont get banned is ok, if yes than check from time to time benzobuddies and I would see it as a challenge how to make things better in the future.

[geminigirl]

I took 10 mg this evening right before bed and then I woke up in middle of night with headache and feeling of depersonalization or like someone else in my body. Its a horrible feeling. I also had a nightmare that leaks into waking life more vividly which makes me more scared.

 

Should I take the drug earlier in the day?

 

I just feel like the day starts so nice without any drug side effects so I do not want to ruin it. I try to take it as late as possible to hold off experiencing side effects

 

I feel really scared of this drug now, like it causes me to act and feel not right.

 

Maybe I should start tapering now as I have stabilized quite as well, but then I don't want to experience withdrawal either.

 

Eternally trapped!!

 

I hate this drug.

[geminigirl]

Hi it's Yana again,

 

I wanted to make an update on how I am doing.

 

I feel I have stabilized finally.

 

I think it took about 3 months for me to feel more normal since I had the crash in May and then dropped from 15.5 to 10 mg.

 

I had a truely horrific time while my brain was adjusting to being on 10 mg only. I was doing all of it alone too.

 

I believe that my previous emotional issues and PTSD combined with drug withdrawal made my tapering much more difficult than it would be for a lot of people.

 

I am an extremely sensitive person and I feel i have been even more harmed by this drug and withdrawal, like it caused my PTSD and fears to be even worse.

 

Currently I am still taking 10 mg.

 

I have realized that the drug itself it also causing me horrific anxiety and constant fear. I also ruminate too much and this morning again I woke up with homicidal thoughts which I think are the drug itself. I started even wanting to kill my therapist, who is the only person I actually trust and love so I know its just the drug. I fell asleep after and felt better.

 

I have currently really bad fears of people and getting close to them. I had these issues before but I did have friends before. Right now I just literally feel trapped in my own subconsious, in my own fears making it so hard for me to feel safe and progress in life. I am so so scared of people too and this always happened to me when I took other drugs in the past. I would just get paranoid. My underlying fears would come out even more.

 

I feel that I can start tapering my dose again, however I really would like to make more friends to help me as I taper.

 

This drug for some reason makes me isolate myself so much more and I just seem to have repetitive thinking that doesn't make sense.

 

I had delusional thinking for a while also. It was not all bad. Sometimes the high on this medication made me feel great, but it wasn't helpful in the end cuz once the high went away I realized my life was in shambles still.

 

I also feel like something in me is trapped, like I can't feel my emotions anymore and it makes me feel so so so miserable and trapped.

 

Truely I feel this is a nightmare that I just finally want to get out of.

 

I hate drugs, have always hated drugs.

 

I never knew that when I would take this drug, it would be permanently in me until I got off. I have never even heard of a drug being like this and I feel this is what makes SSRIS so dangerous and horrific drugs.

 

When you want to get out of it, you can't until you go through another nightmare, the horrific withdrawals.

 

Every day I wake up now with a weird headache, like a tingly feeling in my head and this morning it made me want to kill people. It is like I have impulse control issues now and whatever thought i have, my brain wants to make it into an action.

 

I pray to God I can get out of this alive, and I also hope i can find a friend that can be there with me through this hell.

 

Like many on here have mentioned, I just want my self back.

 

Yana

[Hopefull]

Hi Geminigirl,

Whether you hate the drugs or not, you have to tapper slowly.

We are all in the same situation as you.

Trapped taking the drugs that cause us harm.

I no longer see it that way, because I can see an end in sight

 

So many times, I wanted to CT, but decided it was not worth making myself even more sick.

Tappering is a long and tedious process.

It has taken me 22 months to get to 3.5mg.

You can't rush the process, consistancy is the key.

Every day take the same amount at the same time.

Don't switch from taking the dose at morning, than the next day at night.

You are not doing your self a favor.

Drop your dose every 4-6 weeks, depending on what your body is telling you.

I have had also long holds, about 5 months, when I tappered off too quickly.

You will get there. Give your self time to heal and be consistent with your doses.

Best wishes, Hopefull.

[JanCarol]

Hey GG - I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

Remember to give it 1-3 months at the same dose to be really really stable before you move on again.

[geminigirl]

Okay, will do.

 

It has already been 3 months since my crash in May. I feel I need another month or so to stabilize as that crash was really really bad.

 

I honestly hope this drug hell will just be a memory in the future, a distant nightmare.

 

I feel I am getting slightly more back to my real self before the drugs took over my life each day so that is hopeful.

 

I still cannot believe I was given something like this, a drug that completely obliterates and destroys your sense of self. 

 

Thanks for everyone who has been following my thread and posting replies.

 

I really appreciate the support.

[Shep]

Hi, Yana.

 

This is a much more hopeful post, very good to read. 

 

Yes, I think this experience will be a distant nightmare once you're off the drug and healed. And with what you learn from this experience, as well as any other form of therapy you find helpful when the time is right, you can have a very bright future ahead of you.

 

It's possible to create your own baseline and come out even stronger than you came in. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[JanCarol]

Remember, GG, yes, the drugs cause the problems, but more than the drug - the changes in the drug cause the problems.

 

Stay stable for a long time, it will give you a chance to see more of what your normal looks like, even if it is more numb and agitated than your drug free state will be.

 

You can do this, watch it get better - help it get better!

[geminigirl]

Dear Shep and JanCarol,

 

Thank you so much for your support and hopeful words.

 

I do believe it will get better. It already is.

 

I have been feeling that in the evening I feel the most me.

 

In the afternoon I still go through pretty severe depersonalization, which is made worse by the sun we are now having in Vancouver.

 

I hope this will all be a distant nightmare sometime in the future.

 

I am not changing my doses right now.

 

I am keeping everything stable at 10 mg.

 

Yana

[megb]

Hi Yana, you are so very sweet to send me a message the other day! For some reason I could not reply on private message. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you so thought I would pop on your thread. God is so good for saving my life. I too am glad to be here. Withdrawal makes us not ourselves Such a scary time, but has made me able to connect with a group of folks that I never thought I would. 

 

I love you too girl, all the best in your taper my friend! 

Meg

[geminigirl]

Hi Meg,

 

No problem. Thanks so much. Hugs to you too. I agree God is good. I feel my relationship to him or myself is much better for it. God bless! Yana...

[geminigirl]

Today:

 

Had an okay day, a lot of depersonalization which is sometimes very pleasant and wonderful. I was lethargic in late evening. I feel somewhat dissociated from people still as they seem distant but that is still the drug side effect I think.

 

This late evening right before it was time to take my pill, I felt more like myself. But once I took the pill I felt the effects right away. I definitely did not feel good after taking my pill this evening. I had slowed heart rate feels like and increased anxiety and just feeling of unease/not myself. I really hate this feeling.

 

I really want to taper soon as I feel quite stabilized. I feel to get better and better I have to wait several more months. I am not sure if I should be waiting longer till I am perfectly stable. That may be a while of waiting.

 

I feel stuck in this drug still, I really want to get out. I know I am the one who knows myself best and what to do. I feel I am unsure of what my next step should be. I want to be off these drugs so bad. I know I have a still scary and hard road ahead of me after I am off the drugs, but I just want to be there already so I can finally do therapy this time with me being fully there and finally change my life.

 

Where once these drugs helped me stay alive, make me less lonely during intolerable times, it is now just getting in the way of me living my destiny and getting the things I have always wanted.

 

I know during the journey of coming off the drugs there will be mainly just me and god...There is really nobody that can help me in a way....I survived the first crash only because of him or the life force or whatever you want to call it, and it worked out well. He was here for me.

[wareagle82]

Hi Yana

 

You can do it!  I know it is hard but you aren't alone and it will get better.  Some days will be tough still, but you really will succeed if you stay strong and persevere.   The good news is that you are at 50% of the dose already! 

 

Keeping you in my prayers,

 

Steve

[MapleleafGirl]

Hi Yana,

 

just wanted to see how you are doing now

 

michele

[geminigirl]

I am doing okay Mapleleafgirl, thank you for asking and your concern.

 

I am surviving and I know once these drugs and withdrawal are out of me I will take the world by storm. I have so much hope and strength in me it is crazy. It has been stuck inside me for years.

 

I know for me my best strategy in all of this is the faith that I will have me back, except an even better more loving, strong me.

 

I know many people do not believe in me but I don't really care at this point.

 

I feel with these drugs it is all or nothing.

 

This afternoon really sucked though and this morning too. It is the drug effects that are so potent and last so many hours. Dunno how it is possible for a drug to last so long.

 

But anyways, I will defeat this thing.

 

God Bless,

 

Yana

[LexAnger]

Hi GG,

How are you doing?

[geminigirl]

Hi Lex,

 

I am doing okay, thanks for asking.

 

I have been up and down but overall pretty good.

 

I am very happy that I decided to get off the drugs as it was creating a numbing effect which was not helping me.

 

I am not scared of withdrawal and am not worried about the what if's of my situation.

 

I feel very strongly and passionately that fear is my greatest enemy in all this. My faith rests with God, not just in the midst of this but with life in general.

 

My withdrawal symptoms include sort of a multitude of changes throughout the day. In the beginning these changes or wave patterns were severe, now I can feel them but they are much much better.

 

It is interesting how the waves last throughout the day and morph slightly. 

 

I believe Brassmonkey said and there has been a graph shown on this website that overall withdrawal normal gets more and more normal with each day, and each wave is weaker and weaker as the day goes by.

 

This is my current pattern.

 

in the morning I wake up around 11-12 pm. My dreams are still quite vivid and I am still in my dream somewhat for 10-20 min after I wake up. it takes a little while to come back to "reality" although my reality has been changed quite a lot over the years due to the drugs, withdrawal, as well as other things I have been working on with my inner child.

 

I then get depersonalization or feeling like I am back in my childhood around 1-4. 

 

Around 4 pm I have a window of complete reality and coming back to my former self before the drugs where everything was clear and I was part of the world, meaning no depersonalization or derealization or that dissociation feeling of the drug effect.

 

Around 5 Some doom and neusea come up.

 

The waves are actually getting shorter and less severe as the days go by, and I feel more connected to my body as well as the mind I once had, analytical, and very mature.

 

In the evenings I feel slightly better as well.

 

I hope this explains how I am doing to those who are reading as well as you Lex.

 

My journey so far has been extremely severe, but this is all relative to perception and how I see the world.

 

I have no doubts about my ability to completely recover and be the amazing person and being I was meant to be.

 

I wanted to write a lot in here about other things, but the main thing I want to say is this:

 

Somehow in a strange twisted way I believe I actually found God and myself again in all of this suffering.

 

I also truely believe that God loves the ones who are in pain the most and he or she or life or whatever you want to call it will come to you when you need him/her/it most.

 

I am thinking of starting a blog also about my journey...If anybody would like to read about it, I will send you a link.

 

Thanks

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Another update on how I am:

 

I feel I as the days go by, I am slightly more in touch with reality.

 

I am getting slightly, slightly, more REM sleep and although I still remember my dreams a lot (meaning I am still mostly get light stages of sleep), I don't feel like I am IN them all throughout the day.

 

I still feel somehow though that I keep getting submerged in memories and the past.

 

Like before where I would just remember a memory and carry on, now it feels like I am somewhat stuck in my memory and am confused about whether I am in my memory or in reality.

 

It is hard to tell the difference between the two.

 

I still have a lot of depersonalization I would say although as the days go by it is getting slightly better.

 

I am also feeling my body more now, slightly more connected to it.

 

I still do not feel my face much. It is hard to describe but I am sure a lot of you understand what I mean.

 

My emotions are still quite numbed and it seems as though I still get elevated serotonin throughout the day.

 

I was talking to a fellow survivor and friend yesterday and we talked about how the drugs can still stay in my system for several months after I stopped taking them. I seem to be in a place where my body has still not recognized that I do not have the drug in me anymore. I believe Alto and others mentioned this and that in a few months time I may be hit with withdrawal again. I am ready for this and actually if it happens, I will be happy as I want to go through it to finally be free of these drugs in me in any way shape or form.

 

In terms of my strength and resilience when withdrawal hits again, if it does, I know that no matter what I will be ok. I have already witnessed my ability to go through the greatest tortures. I am not worried about this although I am sure it may be hell once again. I hope this doesn't happen though.

 

The thing I realized is that no matter what happens to me in life God does not want to let me go because I also have a greater more spiritual purpose here on earth. I always run away from this calling, but I know it is true and have always been like this. My greatest challenge is not returning to my ego constantly, which I do and when I do, I suffer.

 

Regarding my emotional health, I still struggle quite a bit.

 

Before I went on the meds, I struggled or was much more aware than others about things like consciousness, eternity. I wondered a lot about "who I am." etc.

 

I always felt throughout my life a kind of emptiness, a vastness in me or depth that was always in the background. In this emptiness or vastness I feel tremendous existential pain. It was numbed a lot through the drugs and now it is the only thing I want to feel again.

 

Anyways, so ya withdrawal wise I am doing alright, but I still feel very numbed and depersonalized.

 

I also feel immense confusion and somewhat like a victim because I was given these drugs not knowing at all what I would be getting myself into, and the difficulty of returning back to myself before the drugs has been a long struggle. It is painfully slow I feel.

[JanCarol]

Hey GG,

 

I am thinking of starting a blog also about my journey...If anybody would like to read about it, I will send you a link.

 

This is a brilliant idea, I would encourage you to do that!  You are free to post a link to your blog, either on thread, or in your signature, as others have done so (as long as you are not promoting any products in your blog).  

 

I was talking to a fellow survivor and friend yesterday and we talked about how the drugs can still stay in my system for several months after I stopped taking them. I seem to be in a place where my body has still not recognized that I do not have the drug in me anymore. I believe Alto and others mentioned this and that in a few months time I may be hit with withdrawal again. I am ready for this and actually if it happens, I will be happy as I want to go through it to finally be free of these drugs in me in any way shape or form.

 

Italics added by JC for emphasis

 

It's not that the drugs "stay in your system" so much as the drugs restructure your system.  

Rhi's description of healing the brain

Intro to Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome

and a video:  

Healing from Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery (by Toxic Antidepressants)

 

It will help you immensely to understand Rhi's Trellis analogy, or Toxic Antidepressants' "Rubik's Cube" analogy in order to understand what to expect next.

 

As you stabilise - you can start looking at Pre-Tapering.  Learn about how to do it slowly and carefully, and educate yourself to get ready for what's next.  Preparing to Taper

 

When you get stable enough - probably in the next six months or so, you may find that nothing is as bad as this initial destabilisation, and ideally, you may be able to drop slowly, gradually, carefully - with minimal symptoms.  By then, you can have a good toolkit built up of practices that help you feel better, and the withdrawals (which can be set off by anything, and can manifest in myriads of ways) may not be as intense as this prior experience.

 

There's good reason to hope, and it will get better!

[JanCarol]

Hey GG - since you are thinking about starting a blog, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite blogs (mostly SA members, but one from MIA, too)

 

Songbird:

http://anxietystuff.weebly.com/blog/archives/05-2014

 

KarenB:

https://continuedhealing.wordpress.com/about/

 

Chessie:

http://adwithdrawal.weebly.com/

 

 

Julie Greene (MIA):

https://juliemadblogger.wordpress.com

[LexAnger]

Hi Yuna,

 

I'm very delighted hearing back from you! I'm so happy you are doing so much better!

You are such a strong girl. I know what you mean by saying that you have the strength now to face any harsh situation this trauma causes. I believe you will like everyone who went through this tragedy will be one of the strongest human being on the whole universe!

 

You are already a survivor!

 

Are you still taking the 10 mg or did you stop it all together?

 

I hope the DR subside quickly. It is a horrible and terrifying feeling.

Wish you continuous healing!

 

Hug,

Lex

[brassmonkey]

Hi Yana-- it's good to hear that you're feeling a little bit better each day.  That's great.  The graph I have mentioned is the one that talks about occupancy rates at different dosages.  It illustrates the importance of going slower at lower doses because a small change in dose has a big effect on your brain.  I have also talked about how our overall level of feeling improves over time and refer to it as WDnormal.  Here is a post I wrote a while back that really explains it.

 

I see WDnormal as the overall baseline of where you are in general. The place you are when you're not feeling good, but you're not feeling bad. Sorta a rolling average of the past couple of months between the windows and waves.  Watching the level of WDnormal is a good indicator that things are improving.  Over time you should be seeing a raising of the standard for WDnormal.  So how you're feeling now is better than say six months ago. It changes very slowly but is a really good indicator.

 

 Many people have the idea that stability is feeling good again, when in fact it's feeling the same level of blah day after day with no big swings to the better or bad. When a person does a drop in dose there will be a corresponding increase in WD symptoms over the next few days.  These symptoms will resolve themselves over the following several weeks and return the person to a slightly raised baseline of discomfort. The time frame and severity are dependent on a huge number of factors and end up being unique to each individual.  But the pattern remains.  This is why paying attention to your WDnormal is very important.  It is also referred to as listening to your body.  After a drop in dose and the symptoms have resolved to WDnormal the person then should wait a couple of more weeks to let things really settle out (there are a lot of little unfelt changer still going on) before considering doing their next drop.

 

During that waiting time people may think that they're not doing anything and want to get on with it.  When in fact doing nothing is very proactive.  It's those little unfelt things that need to be finished up before the next step can be taken.  It's letting the glue harden, the paint dry, the cement cure.  The things that need to be complete before the path is safe to walk on again.  If these details are ignored then they start to pile up and compound each other, then somewhere down the line the foundation slips out from under us and the whole thing collapses.

[ravijaua]

read my thread. I have had similar experiences to you as well. DP/DR/HI/SI ANXIETY. It's nice to see i'm not alone. I live in southern California and at least I have nice weather all year long vs Vancouver where u have seasons. I am also going through a terrible time but I think We'll both get through it eventually.
Ravi

[geminigirl]

Hi,

 

I have a bit of an update here.

 

I am currently off the celexa and have been for about 1 month or two, I am not sure.

 

I am getting better each day and my neurons have been growing each day. I can actually feel them growing and my brain growing back.

 

I feel more and more like my "old self" and I feel more in touch with my body now. I can actually feel my body again and that I am in reality and things are solid rather than than everything meshing together. I think it was kind of cool and nice for a small period of time, but then it was bad.

 

Who I was when I was on SSRIS was a completely different person. I did have more energy and mania I would say and I didn't feel AS depressed (although after being on them for too long, my depression became intolerable- I think also doing psychodynamic therapy while on ssris was a bad idea)

 

Somehow for a very long time, my self of self melted within itself almost, it is strange to explain and I was living in my subconsious or in my dreams. The reason for this as several people here explain is because of a reduction in REM sleep.

 

Anyways, I feel I am getting back more into reality.

 

I still don't feel my face though and something is missing, but I think in a few weeks time honeslty I will be back to me almost 100%.

 

I am hoping at least it will be a few weeks rather than several more months.

 

I have also realized that I do not remember anything that happened really over the last 6 years. It honestly feels like a dream. This is good for I think but also bad, because I wasted about 10-15,000 dollars doing psychodynamic therapy that now I have very little recollection of.

 

Nevertheless, I feel very happy that I met someone that I know loves me unconditonally and whom I love deeply. I feel this honestly saved my life, but I have yet to create a realtionship with this person as well as others because for 6 years I could not really make friends, I lost the ability to remember people and was just basically in a drugged stupor for a very long time.

 

I am surprised my brain was able to even handle me taking these drugs for 6 years straight, and now recovering almost completely. That is insane. I feel bad for my brain and self and what I put it through by ingesting these drugs. Nobody told me they were real hardcore drugs.

 

In any case, I know that my brain is super flexible and probably more neuroplasic than many other people. I think that is why I was so deeply changed by these drugs, because my brain really took it all in. Now that I am off though it is getting back to normal very quickly considering all that happened and how long I was on them.

 

I feel it is quite sad though that I do not remember most of my life for the past 6 years. I think as time passes, I will remember even less, which is good but also very sad in a way.

 

In any case, the one good thing I got while being on these meds is finding my therapist. Somehow these drugs or my subconsious which was more open during the time I was on them, led me to someone who I know will always be special to me and is like my father.

 

The bad news:

 

Even though I no longer on the drugs and returning back to my former self, I realized that my former self was always a very melancholy and depressed person. I also can be very lethargic and not want to do anything. I hide away from the world and society and really often dont want much to do with anyone or anything.

 

I am hoping that once I start therapy again, this time with a normal brain, I can learn how to be more social and trust people more as well as myself.

 

I also realized in 2010 when I took the drugs I had an existential crisis. I dont think this is a bad thing, I think it is actually good but I just didnt know how to handle it at the time.

 

I feel my depression is somewhat coming back, the feeling of just wanting to crawl into a hole and die because I have attachment issues and have a really hard time feeling connected to the world.

 

The only thing that really provided me the most refuge was animals and nature.

 

I am also hoping soon I can get some of my emotions back as this may be another reason for my depression, I still feel the emotional anasthesia and not caring really. I am not sure if this is drug related or the depression.

 

Anyways, it is strange now to type because I feel more and more that it is the real Yana typing, not an automatic version of me who is influnced by drugs.

 

It is interesting because I remember often posting here kind of wild and in a fury but I don't think that is me really. I also remember being very friendly, optimistic and loving to people here, people that I don't really know, and I feel that wasn't really me either.

 

I find it interesting also how each day I change so much and heal so much... My brain is doing it all on it's own...

 

Thanks everyone for being there for me while I was in the deepest darkness of withdrawal. I do not really remember it well now but I know some people were there and I thank you. During the withdrawal times, your love and kindness felt very real to me, although now I do not remember all the people who were there.

 

It is somewhat sad also because during withdrawal I felt people loved me on here and were looking out for me probably much more than they were in reality, lol, because of course you guys don't know me.

 

But during withdrawal I felt very close to everyone on here and I felt I was dying so anybody that did reply to my messages and send me hugs and said nice things really saved my life.

 

I feel that we are all interconnected in this way.

 

So ya...

 

I am sending love and hugs to those that are still in withdrawal and are healing.

 

Love,

 

Yana

[LexAnger]

OMG, what an amazing update! Truly truly wonderful news!

 

I can't even believe it, following you through in the past few months, such a miracle!

 

Thanks for updating!

Continuing healing, Yuna! You should be very proud of yourself!

 

Lex

[Daisy1]

Amazing news Yana ! Very pleased for you.

[Shep]

Hi, Yana. 

 

Like the others, I'm happy to read you are doing so much better. 

 

Please note that antidepressant withdrawal is non-linear, and you may experience a re-emergence of symptoms over the coming weeks or months, so please continue the non-drug coping skills. We make progress even when we hit those waves because we get to practice these skills again and again, as exhausting as it can be. But we do come out of this so much stronger than when we come in. 

 

And hang onto the windows as proof of healing. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way.  I hope you continue to feel better.