Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[reachingforthestars]

Hi Jeminigirl!

 

I have read your thread... Seems like you have really become sensitized to Celexa! I have too... (I cannot tolerate even 0.02mg updosing after a week holding a dose or I get terrible akathisia in an hour after the dose. I guess I just adopt the new level so fast? Last autumn I tried to updose 1mg after a month holding and had very had bad reaction and i have had emotional anesthesia ever since. You can see the timeline of these incidents in my signature. Right now I fear more the reaction to the drug itself than WD symptoms and that's why I decided to taper faster than 10% from previous dose.)

 

Did you feel that the fast taper was better for you? I really hope you did the right decision. I was wondering that when you were taking 2mg five times a day that could your body be so so flexible that it adopted those lower levels of Celexa that you had during night time and that's why you had reaction EVEN to 2mg in the morning?? Maybe you have ultra fast drug metabolism and you cannot have enough stable levels of Celexa 24/7? Some people have much faster drug metabolism than others. We are all so different.

 

I think it is wonderful that you have fallen in love! It is amazing improvement that you got the ability to love back. The rest will follow!

 

Wish you fast healing!!

 

R

[geminigirl]

Hey guys,

 

I was just wondering about this.

 

does anybody on here think, especially the mods that know my story more, that perhaps my CNS got already destabilized back in SEPT 2014 when my doctor tapered me off way too fast and every other day changes?

 

I think perhaps that is why I was never able to stabilize when I went back on 20 mg and in a way all bets were off at that point?

 

That is perhaps why my withdrawal has been quite bad all along and made me want to die all the time?

 

Cuz of that initial wonky taper by my doctor?

 

I tried going back to 20 mg and then tapering from there, but it all went downhill anyways and it felt as if I did do an almost CT.

 

If anybody could explain that would be awsome.

 

Thank you.

[geminigirl]

Hi...

 

I had a really bad creepy horible wave this morning before daylight. I had hypnic jerks and intrusive thoughts and visions. I felt dread doom terror like there was an evil person or thing in my room. Then I felt like I was gonna faint or on speed. I feel damaged tired and wanting to give up but knowing I cant cuz I know my future will be great. I wish i never was put on this stuff it made me disabled and changed my personality completely.

 

After the wave this morning I had a window of feeling the most "me" I have felt since these past 6 years.

 

It was a mistake to go on these drugs. I think at the time i needed something. Weed would have been a better choice. Im so angry.

 

I dunno what to do now.

 

I still have pretty bad withdrawal but I am glad the ways dont last long. They are just frequent and intense when they do last and very convincing. Very convincing. I am worried of getting hurt emotionally and or physically when im in a wave as I cant trust myself. I am currently looking for more friends to be by my side in this.

 

My withdrawal symotoms are still very extesnive and the doom/fear is the worst. It happens just before sunlight or right after. Its just this horrible like speed eerie feeling....

 

I am coming back to reality though which is good. More and more each day and the seratonin levels are evening out as inaminate objects dont look alive anymore, nor ppl. This is good and bad I feel as in a way it was good and cool at some point. It made me feel closer to people than I really was. Hard to make real friends this way though.

 

Anyways withdrawal still includes body/nerve and bone pain, weakness, insomnia, jaw face pain...I also feel like someone comstantly hits my head with a baseball bat.

 

I think I am healing very quickly though and I am surprised how fast my brain is rebuilding itself despite the horrible waves. Considering I lived in a complete subreality for 5 years not being able to see ppl as real this is huge for me.

 

My ideas of god and infinity and all that stuff have lessened. There were good and bad things about seeing the world this way. Some of the moments I had on celexa were quite profound.

 

I still wish I never went on them and that instead of meeting that idiot paychologist I would have met my current therapist Geoff. He would have never said to go on the drugs.

 

Anyways...everyday I am just trying to survive and hope that withdrawal or my reaction to it wont kill me.

[geminigirl]

Hi guys...

 

Not doing too well.

 

It seems the waves r not as strong as before but still quite bad.

 

I am sensitive and had issues coping with my emotioms before but it was more just depression and anxiety not like this going crazy stuff. And I feel like now its even harder to deal because of withdrawal. I also got akathesia today.

 

I feel I need to calm down and de-stres. Its so hard in this state. I feel like im going crazy. It is also hard to tell cuz the issues like OCD i had a bit before but now its so so so so so much worse.

 

Its like i cant get a grip on my brain and madness.

[JanCarol]

Hey GG - you know how we do it here - you CT'd instead of stabilising.

 

I'm concerned that you may need to reinstate, just a tiny amount.

 

I know you are reluctant to put the drugs back in your system, but what you are calling toxic reaction was from too high doses and destabilising switches.

 

Please put the date of your discontinuation in your signature.  You went from 15.5 mg Celexa to 0?

[geminigirl]

Hi JanCarol,

I understand your concern about reinstating and trying to stabilize. I know that this is the advice offered here as well as the 10% rule.

Perhaps this may have worked before my CNS was destabilized when the doctor gave me the fast taper, but after my CNS got destabilized in 2014 I think all bets were off for me and that is what I saw. I went through a horrific ordeal during withddrawal. I didnt even know it was withdrawal. I felt like I went into a coma and that most of my brain had gone missing. This is partially I think what happened. Once my brain realized the drug was gone, all my neruons that made up my sense of self and my mind were gone too. This was prolly one of the worst experiences althouh I think actually being on the meds may have been the worst. As I was walking around in a dream constantly or nightmare. It was horrific and I still cant believe it happened nor that they would give these drugs to young peoplw and adults or anyone for that matter it hurts my heart.

Anyways

My neurons are growing back. 5 months ago just tiny little sprouts were growing but now I feel I have more of a normal brain although I would say I am still half way there. I feel very not smart in that social cues and norms are still hard for me to understand and I still get heart palpitations some anxiety and also just fear of leaving the house.

I hope that in a few months time I will be almost completely me with my original persobality and brain. That would be so wonderful and a gift from God.

Anyways....

Ya I am just trying to get by the days as more neurons grow and I heal. I have this dread often following me and I think its because I know a lot of who I am or was is not there. So it feels more vulnurable for me being out in the world.

It is no longer a doubt though although I am sure I will have moments of doubt that I will be completely back to normal.

I then have to deal with the things that got me on these drugs in the first place although I think at the time I had to take something.

Anyways,

This will be my only post for today as I know I can only post here.

Thank you everyone for reading my thread and also to the mods who made this site possible.

Hugs and hope to everyone and I hope everyone a speedy recovery which will come!!!

Love,

Yana

[geminigirl]

Update.

 

Ive been doing better. This morning and afternoon were good. I had emotional anasthesia in eve followed by rage and anger. Its like my brains neurons arent firing right.

 

I feel very angry right now and hate the evil drug pharma ppl who see ppl as objects. I have lots to say but too tired.

 

I dont even know if I can say much now other than I am still recovering. I believe this is a brain injury and I am angry for that. What else...I am angry. Lol. My frontal lobes got killed when took these drugs.I just want me back. I know lots of ppl will think I may go and advocate against these drugs etc this may be a bit of an option but mainly all I want to do is live well and forget this ever happened to me.

 

I know God loves me even though I dont feel it now and all will be well.

 

Anyways thats all.

 

Bye

[JanCarol]

Please, seek local help.

 

Help for Those Who Are Feeling Desperate or Suicidal

 

Yes.  SI is a common symptom of withdrawal.

 

What date did you CT?  You first reported it Sept 18.  You are probably feeling reactions to that change in dose to 0.

[geminigirl]

I just want to clarify that I did not cold turkey. It is in my signature.

 

I went from basically 10 mg that I was taking for 3 months or so to 0. I had these effects already what I am experiencing now when my doctor tapered me too fast in sept 2014. My CNS was already destabilized and then I decided to updose back to 20 mg and I stayed there for a year but did not destabilize. I prolly should have just reinstatee on a tiny amount like 2 mg, but I think once my CNS got destabilizd it would be impossible for me to stabilize fully again. I should have not gone on to 20 mg nonetheless. Anyways so basically ive been in withdrawal since and its lessened a lot since two years ago but still not where I want it to be.

[JanCarol]

Hey GG,

 

We consider 10 mg to 0 to be a CT. 

 

This is doubly concerning because you were not stable when you did it.

 

Your "toxic event" was more likely to be delayed withdrawal from all of the drug changes you (and your doctors) made.

 

You don't know about delayed withdrawal until you wait it out.  That can be up to 2 years of waiting.

 

Now, you seem to be in crisis.  If I were you, I would reinstate, to soothe the savage withdrawals.  I would suggest 1 mg, because of your sensitivity to the drug.  Hopefully that dose will be below the radar for further symptoms.

 

You may wish to look into the Facebook group if you are feeling unable to express yourself fully here:  

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1644493302486833/

 

There are many, many mental health groups online.  We are a very precise group, and moderators are concerned for your well being.  It is vital that you seek help on a local level, as we are not a crisis care centre, we don't have any doctors, we're unable to help you through extreme crisis.

[geminigirl]

Hey JanCarol,

 

I dont think resintatement will work for me.

 

I tried reinstating back when my CNS first started destabilizing in Sept 2014, I went back up up to 20 mg and I didnt feel much of a difference. I still had to go through the withdrawals, that I have been going through since then. I cant take the drug cuz it causes me to have even more akathesia. This happens as soon as I take the drug so I do think it is a toxic reaction.

 

I dont see the point in stabilizing when I already feel myself healing.

 

I think being in crisis and feeling scared, etc. is all part of the process. I think at least my crises have not been as bad as they used to be and I am not constantly pleading for help. That was the case 5 months ago.

 

I dont really understand what reinstatement even 1 mg will do? I think my brain is already getting used to no drug.

 

I understand that there is delayed withdrawal, even at 2 years out. I think I already went through the worst of withdrawal though...How can there be a second withdrawal? I dont really understand this....?

[JanCarol]

Hey GG, you only CT'd a month ago.  

 

Yes, there is a certain change happening in your brain from the CT.

 

There are people who tough it out - but it seems to me that you are going from crisis to crisis. 

 

You are looking at - from this point up to 1-2 years of further waves and symptoms.  It won't go away in a month or two.  You have severely destabilized - unless you are thinking that your behaviour, language, and choices in the past 2 months were healthy for you? 

 

You were just raving on 9-October about suicide (post hidden for community standards), and now you think you are "all better?"

 

It can get worse from here.  Your withdrawal may just be beginning; your last "bounce" was just a month ago.  For your sake, I hope it is over quickly and you can start making healthy life choices again - but in my experience, when someone is as destabilised as you have been - it takes longer.

 

I seriously hope you will consider a 1 mg reinstatement.  I believe it will help prevent further & future symptoms.  It won't "fix" things, that will take a lot more work and time and healing.  But it might keep you from the worst of the symptoms, and give you a chance, a window, at seeing how you can heal in the future.

 

It can get better, you've been offered many options to see your way out of this.  I hope you see the sun today.

[geminigirl]

I dont want to reinstate due to having a bad reaction to the med now. It causes more akathesia and numbness that I cant tolerate.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

My withdrawal is still there and yesterday and today it was not good. I did not sleep all night and I think this made it worse.

 

I feel I have a hard time underdtanding who is trustworthy or not. I had some issues with this before but its gotten so bad cuz of the drug and or withdrawal. I also feel I cant relate to people much. I feel emotional numbness still. Feel like I am in a drug trip I cant get out of. I think the drug trip feeling or depersonalization I guess has lasted about 5 months, but it feels like it started when I started taking the drug also it just has a diff feel to it now. My head also tingles from time to time like as if someone hit me over the head with baseball bat. I feel very dissociated from people and life.

 

I dont have any more suicidal thoughts or huge dips in emotions like I used to which is good though. The dips seem to be there but more shallow. Also no more scary weird dreams.

 

If anyone wants to reply please do so.

 

Thanks,

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have not posted here in a little bit.

 

I just wanted to ask a couple things...

 

Has anybody had the rem sleep disorder before where they started acting out or feeling like they are in their dreams? I have had this for some time now and it really sucks. If you had this, have you recovered?

 

I also wanted to ask if anybody has had personality changes while on the drug and also in withdrawal and if you recovered from this?

 

I basically feel that my life sort of crumbled or got ruined when I started taking the drug and now withdrawing from it. I am slowly getting better but I still often feel like I live in a daze or in a dream and have extreme fears, especially like the feeling that I cant trust my brain.

 

I mainly hide during the day from society cuz I also did a few things in withdrawal that has the police involved. Small things but nevertheless it happened.

 

I feel like I now have a phobia of people. This was made much worse because I was in such a vulnurable subconsious state for years and had nobody I could trust. I could not really trust myself either so everything was made much worse.

 

I feel like it would be a miracle if I recover from this brain issue...I know that even if I do I will have to figure out what to do with my life...

 

I think it will still take time for me to recover and in the mean time I feel like my life is going nowhere and I feel very stuck and scared. I miss the person I used to be and really want her back.

 

My brain and awareness was perfect then and then it got ruined for years I was tortured.

 

Anyways...after all this hell I am just not sure how to find myself again or figure out who and what I want.

 

I mainly just caccoon myself from the world. The drug helped me not deal with my issues for a long time, it kept me in a bell jar.

 

Now that the bell jar is dissapearing, what do I do? Its the same question I had long ago even before starting the drug. It may have been the reason I started it.

 

Thanks for listening

[geminigirl]

Hi,

 

I wanted to ask....

 

How many of you still feel like you are living in a dream or drug world while tapering or off the drug or CT?

 

I have been feeling like I am in kind of dream for a long time.

 

Thanks

[direstraits]

more like a nightmare..  

[geminigirl]

Ya I think that is a good analogy. More like a nightmare.

 

I have noticed lately that ive been saying weird things to ppl. like I have no sense of intonation or sarcasm anymore in people. Lots of weird things. I feel like I am so weird now. I was a bit of a loner before but now its so much worse.

 

I also felt like the door to my bedroom got 2 m longer last night. and my arms and hands dont seem like mine

[reachingforthestars]

Hi Geminigirl!

 

I was wondering how are you doing?

 

I noticed that according to your signature you have suffered from PGAD. One more thing we have common. I have occasional very mild PGAD but last spring PGAD was very intense and traumatizing and scary lasting for few months. Do you suffer from PGAD anymore?

 

 

Hugs!!

[geminigirl]

Hey reachingforthestars,

 

No not anymore. I have a lowered lobido I would say.

 

As far as my other aymptoms I also have a sleep rem disorder I think as I keep feeling my dreams in waking life as well as memories seem more vivid like I get lost in them. I am not sure how long this one will last. I mean this symptom.

 

My symptoms keep changing day in and out and unfortunately I feel I am quite far from complete recovery although getting closer each day.

 

I hope everyone is doing ok and fighting on. I am still sad at all that we had to go through with these drugs which literally destory your personhood and all that you believed yourself to be. I think they destroy normal nervous sysem functioning.

 

I also wanted to say sorry for all those who felt I offended them over the past months that I was on this site.

 

I was in acute withdrawal and had no control whatsoever. My executive function was completely gone out the window so I am sure I said some crazy stuff.

 

I feel I am a survivor very much and also my faith in myself hopefully will just be restored and made much stronger than ever before. I also think because of the suffering I went through, I never want to leave God again. Taking those pills was a symbol of me abandoning myself although i had no idea to what extent the drugs would make me dissociate from self.

 

I truely just want to be happy and free and at peace. I dont want to remember or think about any trauma ever again and just live in the moment.

 

My whole subconsious was basically revealed to me because of these drugs, horrific agonizing memories, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. My early childhood was extremely distressing and heartbreaking and these drugs and withdrawal from them like the evil things they are revealed my darkest times and memories. I therefore now cannot imagine ever leaving myself...not to any doctor or any other person. The greatest trust I have is with my own self, but I just really really wish I heal fast so I can integrate my painful childhood with my adult self....

 

I have almost died I think like 100 times over the years if not more. Constant torture and suicidal thinking which has still not fully left me.

 

I dont understand why these drugs are given out for minor issues. I just dont understand this. But anyways, perhaps when I am recovered I will see the reasoning behind me having to have gone through this psychiatric/psychotropic hell. I cannot really see it clearly now.

 

Sending healing to all.

[reachingforthestars]

Do you still have akathisia? If you do has it become milder and is it constant or does it comes in waves? 

 

You seem to experience a lot of deep emotions when you go through your childhood memories. It must be painful Sounds also that anhedonia is lifting and you are getting these intense feelings instead? 

 

Hugs!

[geminigirl]

Hey RfTS,

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Ya I had mood swings before the drugs and difficulty regulating or being present with my feelings. The withdrawal made it so much worse that i had out of body experiences due to severe dissociation.

 

Anyways, ya the akathesia comes and goes. When I have it its like my mind spins a lot or overthinks like 100 miles an hour and I also have thoughts of wanting to hurt things. It also increases any latent anger I may carry inside.

 

Yes, when my subconsious is opened from a withdrawal symptom it is very painful remembering childhood memories.

 

I am starting to get the anxiety from before the drugs slowly but this I think is partially good because it means anhedonia is lifting slightly.

 

The issue is I never really got a chance to learn how to be present with myself and the anxiety and dread I had before the drugs. Now I have to learn this on top of withdrawal which can block some of my progress when a wave of anhedonia hits.

 

Anyways, nobody knows really when all this will subside. I just promised myself not to kill myself no matter what tortures I go through because I have a life purpose I must complete before I die which is mainly to know God intimately, in myself and others or to know true love.

 

I want to know who I am before I die and if I die now than that would mean the ego wins and I do not want that.

 

I also have this belief that people who take their lives may have to come back to the world again and suffer again to realize themselves as consiousness or God.

 

This is a bit off track but wanted to write this.

 

Im sorry to hear about the PGAD you are having. Hopefully it subsides.

 

I am not sure if others have this but when I am in depersonalization or anhedonia I talk about god a lot. Not sure if its related.

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Hi, I am just wondering if anybody has tried GcMAf before?

 

Apparently it can help with our immune systems, can heal cancer, reverse autism and help with chronic fatigue or IBS.

[brassmonkey]

The only evidence backing those clams is from two studies done on a total of three patients. The findings of the studies was called into question and the studies were retracted.  The effectiveness of GcMAf is highly questionable at best.  I wouldn't waste my money or risk my health.

[geminigirl]

Ok.

 

I just wanted to ask, had anybody else felt like they were trapped in a dream and cant get out and recovered from this? Especially the rem sleep disorder issue.

 

Could someone also tell me when I may recover? I know that some of you recommended reinstating but I do noy want to do that.

 

I had a nervous breakdown before the drugs which included memory loss, severe anxiety and depressiom but as you guys know this is a whole other issue with the damage the drugs caused and withdrawal.

 

I just want to be back to the person I was before albeit how difficult that was. I feel I could then resolve what it was I wanted to resolve but with this it is different.

 

Right now I am still experiencing rem sleep disorder, feeling like im in a dream all day or most of the day. I had a few seconds of windows were it felt like it was me from befire the drugs but only a few seconds.

 

I also feel like I am constantly close to death and have no idea how long I will live as it feels my life is a complete dream and I act out my dreams or am trappef in them.

 

Does anyone know how long this takes to recover?

 

Thank you.

[geminigirl]

Has anybody else recovered from the rem sleep disorder issue?

 

I wonder if depersonalization is related to lack of rem sleep as it always feels like things are fake and people I see are in my dream. It is very strange and kind of isolating

[LexAnger]

Hey, Ggirl,

 

Nice to hear you!

I have severe DR since drug reaction to dose incraese. I don't have REM issue. So REM is not in causal relationship with DR.

How are you feeling lately? I hope you are seeing some improvement on some symptoms especially those caused by the drug reactio .

 

Lex

[geminigirl]

I dunno Lex. I feel not good. Depressed, sad and like I dont want to live anymore.

 

I also have emotional anasthesia constantly which makes me want to die.

 

It is like a drug trip you cant get out of.

 

Everyday same thing.

 

Because I dont feel my emotions it is also hard to connect with nature or people or animals. I just dont really care and cant feel much.

 

I am about to go out somewhere now so hopefully that will distract me. I feel my depression coming back but I dunno if its withdrawal related or my depression from before the drugs.

 

I just feel I have no energy and like I am alone even though this may not be true.

 

I am also dealing with a painful life situation which is what caused me to go on meds in first place.

 

How are you? I hope you are doing well..

 

I hope others have it easy or easier and are recovering.

 

I would cry now as this helps release pain but I dont have tears.I may cry later in the evening.

 

Sending love,

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Feeling depressed today.

 

I have been reading about the calification of frontal lobe and pineal gland damage by the drugs.

 

I am worried I will never recover.

 

I mainly feel numbed rage through me and tingling in my brain as it happens.

 

Can someone tell me that I can heal one day?

 

Its been about 2 months since I stopped thr drug. I just couldnt take it anymore. I was thinking of going back to 0.1 mg but dunno how that would help me. I am hypersensitve to the drug now.

 

I dunno what is wrong with me but what the drug ans doctor and pharma did to me and many others is cruel.

 

I truely feel emotionall and brain damaged.

[geminigirl]

Just realized....I took some fish oil today prolly a bit too much and hence a lot of stmptoms i stopped having have just returned and I feel increased anxiety and inner turmoil. Definitley think it has to do with fish oil.

[geminigirl]

Does any1 know how long it takes to recover from a bad reaction to fish oil?

[geminigirl]

How is everyone doing?

[geminigirl]

Hello to everyone,

 

So I dunno how many others experienced this, but did anyone get delusional and or paychotic and unable to think like themselves either on these drugs or off?

 

I havent felt like me for 6 years and it is very sad....I feel emotional numbness and apathy so in a way I dont care but this is precisely why it is so sad....

 

I know everyone says people recover even with rapid or incorrect taper and CT.

 

 

Honestly I feel I died the day I took the pills. The me I always knew vanished because I no longer had an emotional connection to the world. I think I am slowly healing, snail pace. I wish I also found this forum before consulting my doctor but I feel its too late for that and a lot of damage and craziness has already been done.

 

I think and hope I have gotten through the worst of my withdrawals. Even just a few months ago I thought I was dying everyday. I was constantly I mean constantly 24 7 suicidal and had absolutely intolerable akathesia.

 

I feel my thinking is slowly becoming my own more and more and I dont feel as scared or suicidal or wanting to hurt others. I never was suicidal nor homicidal but I became this way because of the drug and withdrawal.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to thank the people here on this site and also for even having a site like this.

 

If anybody would like to send a reply please feel free to here.

 

I also wanted to say that sadly the drug never really helped me. The numbing part was helpful but I think I could have numbed myself out when I had my nervous breakdown in 2010 with other things like weed. I feel now that as my emotions come back I have to deal with the very thing that caused me to go on these meds, which was quite serious as most nervous breakdowns are in my opinion.

 

The celexa gave me a new altered personality, something that was at times scary and just not me.

 

I feel challenged now and feel I have to prepare for when my feelings come back, becuase when they do, I feel like they will be dreadful. All the ssris did was mask them basically but they actually needed to be dealt with.

 

If there was a magic button to turn back time I would....however I feel that if I hadnt of gone on Celexa I wouldnt have met someone that is very important in my life today. Nevertheless I feel sad because I have no emptions, it is very hard for me to create friendships with people or feel love or connection. This in addittion to memory loss.

 

I would like to pray for others on here and also ask for prayers too...I dont know how many people here have to deal with a nervous breakdown, loneliness, plus antidepressant withdrawal and brain injury...It is not easy and I feel sad that they would give these drugs to very vulnurable people whose brains are already going on overdrive. I probably should have only taken the pills a couple times but I think after the first couple of times of these my personality changed and I thought these drugs were the greatest thing in the world.

 

I look back at it now and it seems that from the beginning the drug fried or damaged something in my brain-most likely my frontal lobes. I dunno how this is possible but perhaps this is what happened and why im just not the same person I was in 2010.

[geminigirl]

Forgot to say, thank you for listening....

[AliG]

Hey GGirl.

 

If there was a magic button to turn back time I would....

 

I think we can all relate to this sentiment. Sigh ...

 

However, it's made us who we are and that is definitely stronger, wiser, more compassionate people. To me that is the takeaway from all this and if we can use that in our lives positively then it's not all in vain. 

 

Your emotions will most likely start to come back in time. Unfortunately, this process can't be rushed even though we wish it could.

It sounds like you're healing even though you still have some numbness & apathy and it's perhaps not at the desired rate.That's to be expected. It will take some time to correct. Give it a little more time and patience.

 

It sounds like you are through the worst of it :

 

I think and hope I have gotten through the worst of my withdrawals. Even just a few months ago I thought I was dying everyday. I was constantly I mean constantly 24 7 suicidal and had absolutely intolerable akathesia.

 

What advice would you have for anyone struggling with similar symptoms right now ? How do you feel you got through this  ? Knowledge is power and it might just help someone currently experiencing this.

 

Ali

[geminigirl]

Hey Ali, thanks for replying.

 

I am only allowed to post once per day so this will be my only post for Dec 1st

 

But ya...I am healing oh so very slowly but still healing. I do believe I have gotten through the worst of withdrawal wise symptoms yes. However my next chapter hopefully soon will be dealing with my emotions which were extremely debilitating back when I felt emotions. I never thought taking these pills would actually "take away" my emotions and mind for that matter. I just needed a temporary relief.

 

Anyways

 

The advice I would first give people is to not go on ssris in the first place...especially if they are suffering mental illness due to chronic stress and attachment difficulties as was my case. A lot of people who have no chemical imbalances are given these drugs and then obtain a chemical imbalance plus their original problem.

 

Regarding how to cope with akathesia and suicidal urges...I would say that if the drug did not make you also delusional, to realize that it may be the drug causing this. I did not know for years that this was just a side effect of the drug. I thought it was me! Only when I got off and several months of healing went by did I realize it was just a drug side effect. That is very scary and dangerous in my opinion when you lose the ability to think and understand that its the drug doing it to you. I thought celexa was my best friend for years. That is scary.

 

Once you know that this is just a drug side effect or withdrawal, I would say of course as many members have mentioned here, to reach out to family or friends. If they do not understand then the second option is basically to be stubborn and preservere even if you feel brain dead and you want to die and feel tortured. Do it for your future self if not for your current self. Preservere just for the sake of seeing what happens. Nothing ever stays the same in life, everything always changes including brain regrowth and healing. Also it helped me to remember who I was before the drugs. I was very disabled by my nervous breakdown but even then, there was something inside of me that remained still and alive, the human spirit or whatever people call it. Stay alive for your spirit or for God or for that thing that the drug tried to take away from you.

 

I would also recommene reading Eckhart Tolles book the Power of Now (Acceptance of the seemingly unacceptable) and also just to curl up in a ball in a corner and be still inside yourself, leave the world emotionally if you can for a while and go inside.

 

I hope this helps anyone out there. Just one day at a time, one moment at a time together.

 

And honestly...if I can get through brain damage and withdrawal when my CNS was already fragile and hypersensitive like an abused baby, anybody...I mean anybody can do it....I think the question is do you want to live? How much do you love life and have hope vs. The hell you are going through...

 

If you are having akathesia and SI my other piece of advice is to just radically accept this. Radically accept what it is your feeling, and in this way the chances of you acting on it actually subsides.

[AliG]

Thanks GG.  That's helpful.  Paying it forward is so important. If you can use your story to help somebody else - it's worthwhile. 

Ali