☼ Martina23: Lyrica

[Martina23]

How do you handle bad thoughts?

[brassmonkey]

Hi Martina--  The first thing to remember is that the thoughts are not the real you, they are a manifestation of the drugs.  If you didn't have those types of thoughts before starting the drugs then they have to be caused by the drugs.  The second thing to remember is that even though they are scary, they are only thoughts and can not hurt you.  Thirdly you have to trust in yourself not to act on those thoughts.  Scary, nasty, violent thoughts are one of the major symptoms of withdrawal.  If I ever told anyone some of the things I have thought about I would be in a straightjacket locked away for good, but I knew that they were only the drugs talking and I would never do such things, so I let them go on their way.  Eventually they became fewer and fewer and milder in content, but it didn't happen over night.

 

Do not be afraid of your thoughts.  Being afraid adds what is called "secondary fear" to the thought itself and makes it much harder to control.  You need to Acknowledge that the thoughts are there.  If you can even take time to explore the thoughts and show yourself how irrational they are, how silly they are because they couldn't possible be yours because you just aren't that type of person.

 

Once you have Acknowledged them, then like an unwanted house guest you have to Accept that they are there and there is nothing that you can do about them but wait for them to leave.

 

If you ignore them long enough, like that unwanted house guest, they will Float away as you go on about your life.

 

It takes practice, but each time they come back you will be better prepared to handle them and before long they will just be there in the background and not bother you.  By the time you are done with withdrawal and recovery they will be long gone.

 

Hope that helps.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[AliG]

  Hey Martina,Brassmonkey said it all.  I can't say anymore except, that you have to stay strong for your children.   You will get through

  this.  

  Prayers and hugs.   Ali.

[Martina23]

You both are so nice. I went to visit my children to my mother for Easter. My son Benny loves me so much, when he saw me he was immediately running to me. I love and Emily so much, I let my mother money that the children have everything they need. There were again times when there were these bad thoughts. I think they come mostly with touching. My children and me always liked to cuddle, I do it also now, but now when I touch the children on the beginning the feeling is negative and cumulates negatives thoughts. I do not know, I think it is drug induced. But today there were these bad thoughts and I had again bad ideas and I started crying that I have become a very bad person and I thought when I come I will make suicide. Benny was so looking after me when I was leaving. I called friends and they meant if I want to do suicide I should rather take medicine. I did not want so I dont know. These thoughts are so other, dont belong to me and I dont belong to me either. Poor children. I love them so much but maybe it is good that they are away from me.

[Cdav]

I'm glad you saw your children Martina, I'm so sorry about the bad thoughts and feelings. Though they are not real, I know how distressing it is to have intrusive thoughts and feelings that are not representative of how you really are in your soul. 

 

Have you tried talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy? or some kind of counselling while you're going through this?

[Martina23]

I am going today to some therapy, but honestly I can not imagine that I will manage living like this. Today when I woke up there was a picture upon waking, it was dressed like person a had a cat's head. I think my brain is never more there. I would like to kill myself but how? I can not anymore

[Martina23]

Today I was by the psychologist,she meant the suicide is not a good option because the children would have no parents at all.

[Martina23]

I thought today that in this time when the children are away I will still find some part time job even for evening, because then I can give the money to children for something good.

 

Before withdrawal I was working on grounding of my company and to get the licences for this. I started already to prepare my website. It had to be for bookkeeping, balances and taxes and international taxes.  Now until my mind is ok I have given up this idea. So I think in the evening I will ask in some shops if they dont need some help or washing windows or I dont know. I would not feel so lonely and my children could get something nice or go somewhere for a trip.

[AliG]

  Hi Martina, you have to take this talk, off the table, so to speak. It's not an option - You have these children,  who need their mother.

  You can do this!    You need to be  strong.    You are strong !!    Prayers and hugs.    Ali .

[Lookingforhope55]

Your children love you and need their mother. Dark thoughts are really scarey, but the real you is someone who loves her children. That love can help you through this stressful time til your brain heals.

[Pugknows]

Martina, use this time to baby yourself and take moments to soothe your weary mind.

 

Talk out loud and tell your thoughts you know they are just thoughts and they aren't real. Write it on paper and tape it to the mirror in your bathroom.

 

THOUGHTS AREN'T REAL. MY BABIES ARE REAL AND I LIVE TO KEEP THEM SAFE IN MY ARMS.

 

Another one in the kitchen above the sink where you'll see it every day.

 

I LOVE MY BABIES. THEY ARE EVERYTHING TO ME.

 

Put signs all over your house and read them morning and night. Those sh*tty thoughts will be gone in two weeks.

 

You need to replace your bad thoughts with good thoughts. You haven't done that yet. You've been agonizing so much that you haven't been teaching your brain a new way to think. TEACH YOUR BRAIN WHAT YOU WANT IT TO THINK.

 

Love you, Pug.

[Martina23]

I feel always more and more in rage. By me it is already a type of "violent rage" inside. What I read, it is quite common by Lyrica, as some people consider Lyrica to be similar to LSD. By a lot of people the rage subsided within 6 months but they were on zero Lyrica.  By me this is already six month (I am still holding: at the moment I am on 47,5 mg) but this violent rage is always only more. I am afraid that I will lose control and make something bad. I cosidered already to take some antidepressant to take the rage away, for example Effexor, but what I am reading the withdrawal seems the same like by Lyrica.

[Martina23]

I decided that I will start running as of today, maybe it helps with this rage.

[LoveandLight]

I too am experiencing rage. It's awful. I feel like I hate everyone and makes me self destructive as I cannot spend time with people so it goes inwards.

[Martina23]

By me a part of me loves people and my children and othe part tells me to make the people bad things. On Monday my children come back, I do not have an au-pair, I hope that nothing happens, when I am so much in rage. I hate myself, but I know it is not my fault. I think these medicaments depleted us of serotonin. Maybe by me it can be also a problem that I am still not on zero, maybe then also this GABA does not come online and by me everything is overfiring.

 

What are you doing against rage? It would interest me how long does it take.

 

Even when AliG tells me I should "get grip of myself", I still can not stop thinking about suicide as it makes me really sad that in the subway there was such on old woman on the wheelchair

[Martina23]

and there came such a thought I should make her something bad. I would not go to details. I felt so low and bad at the moment. But I can not hinder that these thoughts come.

[LoveandLight]

I don't think Ali meant it like that and I do not know if you can just stop thinking of it at the moment. I only seem to feel rage for people except people on here and my long suffering parents. I used to be a kind, compassionate person but it seems to have gone.

 

Can't do anything with the rage. Avoid people as much as poss.

[LoveandLight]

It's very difficult and awful. But you know this is not the real you. I actually in all my WD attempts came to believe that w/o meds this was actually the real me. Thought I should be locked up. Keep going Martina. You are a lovely person.

[Martina23]

Thanks LoveandLight, you are so compassionate, that it hurts me that you have to suffer from these drugs so much. I hope that it passes for you quickly and that we can both enjoy the life even more than before.

[LoveandLight]

Yes let's hope so xxx

[Martina23]

I asked at the moment on the "lyrica survivors group" and they said that quite a lot of people have an issue with rage, but that it passes. And that maybe the problem is that I am still on the little dose, that I should try in a month again to come off and after some time the rage would go away.

[Martina23]

I admire so much avatar from caperjackie, it is full of emotions, something what I completely lost in Lyrica withdrawal and what I am most probably not capable of anymore

[AliG]

  Martina, Can I just say how  very sorry I am, if I have hurt your feelings.  I wanted to encourage  you and came across too strong . You just seem like such a lovely person and it was breaking my heart to hear you talk like that.  I just wanted you to think about all that you have to live for.  It was a "tough love " approach, but I'm so sorry if it caused you any distress.  I'm having strong neuro - emotions myself,at the moment, combined with insomnia, which makes my judgement cloudy.   I hope you will forgive me for that, as I certainly

meant to help.   I wish only the best, for you  and I know you will get through this.    Prayers and hugs.

[Martina23]

AliG, it is ok. I understand. I love my babies very much.

I some way I understand that noone cares but I dont even expect from the people that they would care if I make suicide or not. You have only to understand that this thought stays in my mind, as you can not imagine intrusive thoughts I have. And this I have never had. And I honestly can not imagine to go with my life only thinking bad thoughts. I dont find myself in it. I know I should take that it is temporary. But I dont know it. This Lyrica made already so many people irreversible damage, that I am not sure of anything.

 

Please when I am suicidal next time, please just ignore it and I would have less pressure inside to scream it out.

 

I hope everything is ok with you and that you have a good day.

 

Martina

[Martina23]

I feel so destroyed and lonely.

[Pugknows]

Martina, I'm so sorry you are suffering. Hugs to you. Pug.

[Martina23]

It is funny. But today and yesterday I feel some change. This negative is still here, I still have these bad thoughts considering other people. This did not go away.

 

It is more that yesterday and today my general feeling changed a little. Before I had a feeling that for this all only suicide is inevitable and that there is no life after this. And yesterday in the evening at once I got the feeling that there is no necessity to die. That it is only one problem which has to be solved. And that life is so beautiful and there are so many things I would still like to see like to go to Egypt and explore the caves and see a grand canyon and amazonas and these things still can be done. And when this is over, I think I will start to live my life other. I would not think so much on carrer, but just use this time to see all the miracles the nature did and try to use my feelings for maximum, because it is the only thing which really does have a sense.

 

I do not know if I manage this withdrawal, maybe not, but at once I see also the beauties of staying alive.

[Martina23]

So now I buy for the children a big TEDDY BEAR, and I am going to visit them!!!! The working time is over!!!

[LoveandLight]

I'm so pleased you could sense that xxx

[WinningThrough]

Just stopping by to say hello Martina and I'm sorry you're having such a dreadful time. It will get better.

[brassmonkey]

Keep those dreams alive, they are all fantastic places and there are many more besides.  Get past all this withdrawal stuff and life will be wonderful again.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[JanCarol]

I know this was a few weeks ago, but you asked me:  

 

 

But, JanCarol, when you mean that even psychosis would disappear and I would be like before, I decided that I will start again be active in my life. I will start again to learn for the exams to be a tax advisor and make sport and travel. I am curious, how long will I stay so positive, I presume until next wave...

 

Accountants unite!  (now I'm being silly)  I was an accountant too, when I was your age.  Now I'm in a faraway country with different tax laws - and I'm older, the tax laws have changed in my home country - so I would have to go to school to do this, too.  (I've decided I'm too old to start this again).

 

Your problems are not psychosis, they are caused by the chemicals.  So yes, they will pass. They may feel like psychosis, like "hearing voices" and paranoia, but be patient, you are still under a year since your big drop, and your taper was very fast.  More and more, you will see positive days. 

 

Yes, you will have difficult ones, too - I won't lie to you.  I will read more, I think you are struggling, from what I saw on page 9, I am slow, but I will catch up!  {{{Martina}}}

[JanCarol]

Hi Martina, On March 27 you wrote:  

 

 

went from 50 mg/day only to 47,5 mg 

 

Please take your tapers slowly, with all of your responsibility, this is heavy for you, and you are very sensitive.  

 

Were you symptom free before you tapered?  Then it was not time to taper.  

 

I hope this didn't make things more difficult.   Please update your signature so we know what you are doing.

 

I read on.....

[JanCarol]

I have finished reading (sorry so slow)

And look!  Not quite a window, but maybe a glimpse of something?  The Grand Canyon, the Amazon?  A little dream took root?

 

Feed that dream, find pictures in magazines of the places you want to go - and next to those signs that say, "I LOVE MY BABIES" post these magazine pictures, and remind yourself:  Greece.  Ireland.  The Great Wall of China, The Great Barrier Reef - all of these beautiful gems waiting for your senses to absorb.  Be present with your dreams, feed and water them like tender plants.

 

Please do not adjust your medicine for at least another 2-3 months!  Please?

 

I sense, as have others, that there is more going on in your life than you can say right now.  That you are in withdrawal, and the withdrawal is emphasizing things that make you afraid.  These fears become images, obsessions and impulses.  You need to starve them, throw them out the window - or - as Dave says:  really BE with them, learn about yourself enough to pass through the fear, to the other side.  And a therapist will help you with this.  Getting a recommendation from a friend or work colleague is good, better than random in the phone book.

 

When I moved to Australia, I got a recommendation from my husband's sister, a PhD Psychologist.  She could not see me because of "conflict of interest" (and I would never speak so freely to her, anyway!)  Her recommendations were all excellent, and I found my first choices very good for me. 

 

Finding a therapist is like finding a good restaurant, there are things you won't like, and things you will.  You need to decide if this is the therapist for you - if anything seems slimy or untrustworthy, do not go back.  You need to be safe with your therapist.  

 

But the sooner you get your first session, the better.  You're right:  you can't go on like this - so you have to CHANGE something.  The "All or nothing" solution is unacceptable, to your family, to us (we care about you) to your friends (who sound like very good support), and ultimately to your future self.

 

Change something.  Except for your medicine.  Do not taper or change your medicine at all - you haven't settled enough to do so.

 

Change the channel - dealing with cognitive symptoms

[Martina23]

JanCarol, thank you very much that you wrote me. It was nice and I like your writing very much. I am only not sure if I stay on the current dose for 2-3 months. You know, my body does not do anything (after former discontinuation I got harm OCD, this is something to shoot yourself immediately) and I am not sure if the body can heal when the drug is still in the body.

[Martina23]

Again in the morning I got pictures how I am running with the knife on my children, I am sure this Lyrica destroyed me the whole head. I can not do this anymore, I feel so guilty even when I know normally I love my children and I dont want to hurt them. They are actually my first and biggest achievement till now. I dont know, i am afraid to make suicide but I would like to protect them also. I dont know, I dont want to live anymore.