☼ Martina23: Lyrica

[Martina23]

My head burns so much and the bad thoughts are going more, it is hard to believe on one days recovery inside of this. What I am thinking more often today is the suicide and fear of schizophrenie. I used to like to stroke my children on their head. But now I am scared of this as I immediately get a scare picture in my head how I am doing them something harmful. I dont know why. I continue tapering but I am so afraid it stays like this. Will the world have aby value for me then?

[Martina23]

There are moments I have a feeling I am already mad from these medicaments, the only chance for me would be if the body healed it. By now it just dont do.

[ten0275]

I am so sorry you are suffering as you are, Martina. I had the thoughts for a very long time, as you know. I talked to so many people who suffered the same symptom as a result of withdrawal. At least a dozen. I have not heard of nor read a single case of a person, who developed our form of intrusive thoughts/impulses as a result of psychotropic drug withdrawal, who had the thoughts indefinitely. It took me personally at least a year for them to mostly go away and I knew a woman who dealt with them for about 18 months. But I've not heard of one person who ever remained "broken" in this way. It is a temporary horror-show in your head, courtesy of the folks at Big Pharma Productions.

 

Hang in there. You are a good mother, human, and your capacity to heal is as good as anyone's.

 

Dave

[Cdav]

I'm sorry you have those thoughts Martina, like Dave says, I think we all have them during withdrawal. We believe we are broken forever. I believe that every morning when I wake up with the horrible akathisia and terror. It takes so long, it is probably one of the hardest things we'll have to face in our lives. But we will get better. 

[Martina23]

Cdav, you also have such thoughts?

[Martina23]

Dave, thank you that you try to console such stray birds like me. I hope you are alright.

[Flowers]

Thinking of you Martina. It's such a shame that you can't cuddle/touch your children without these awful feelings.

 

I so hope you get a break soon.

 

Love and hugs xxx

[AliG]

 Hugs , Martina. You're going to be ok.   Praying for you.

[Martina23]

I am so tired today. The whole day I ran out with the children. I am sittingnow for five minutes, listening such a nice song from Michael Jackson, I think the name is Liberian girl, I am so ko. I went on 49 mg one two weeks ago, and I really feel I am going mad. I am again ragous, really strong intrusive thoughts, the problem is they stop to horrify me. I am afraid but somewhat I have to come to zero. In the worst case I will end up mad. I would like to live in the amazonas in the forest, there would be no problem if I have intrusive thoughts or not. I will listen one more to Liberian girl and I go sleep. It is so nice. Good night to all.

[Cdav]

Martina, yes I often think I will never recover. Especially during times of horrible waves, like I'm having right now. It's been such a long time. I've been on so many medications, I find it difficult for me to heal. But since I've had a few windows, I know recovery is possible. 

 

It might be long, but it is temporary. 

 

Hugs. 

[justwanttobefree]

You're going to be okay Martina but my heart hurts for you. Intrusive thoughts are the reason I had to go on medication in the first place. I had constant images and urges to hurt my loved ones so I know how distressing it is for you! Don't worry that the thoughts are not making you anxious anymore, that is actually a good thing. It is progress! You are going to heal, just know that the thoughts are totally fake and can't make you do anything!

[Martina23]

I am standing again before the shop with pet rabbits, I would so much like to buy two of them, but everyone tells me that the rabbits dont belong to the flat. I think if I had to take care of some more living things, I would not think so much about my own unluck. I dont know what should I do.

[Martina23]

Today I was by one psychologist. I can not say she is the best psychologist ever, but she is the only one which is against medicaments. We spoke a lot. I needed it in some way. I am so exhausted from everything. Going to work, taking care of children who make always disorder everywhere and withdrawal which lets me half functioning in every stress situation. The situation I find myself in is very complicated. Each day I bring children to nursery and I have to bring myself to work. After the work I spend my time with the children fearing of bad thoughts and possible insanity. I am now so rageous from withdrawal and I have to control myself everywhere. It is for me so hard because the children make so much disorder, soletti everywhere in the whole apartment, toothpaste on the ground. I found a tooth paste even on my tights now during sitting at work. I am so much worrying that this withdrawal stays already like this. I have to find someone who will tidy up my apartment and at least iron the children´s clothes. Because this is already too much for me.

 

It is funny. The psychologist told me she considers people which made suicide cowards. I dont know, I always took it for tougher option as the person takes into account that maybe suicide is not sucessful and she will stay on the wheel chair forever. I dont know what is cowardly there. Why is it necessary to fight with the defects only to be taken as brave. I dont know. It is just another point of view.

[LoveandLight]

I think it is unprofessional for her to say this.

 

I wonder people who have opinions, such as it is selfish or it is cowardly, I very much doubt they have experienced suffering like this. I imagine people might think oh that person was sad etc but cannot imagine the torture we have/do experience x

[bluebalu86]

I completely agree Love. The only reason I'm alive is because I hope I will recover. If I can recover I don't want to die. But I have SI when things get very hard. I think it's absolutely normal. Everybody who is suffering greatly will think of suicide as an exit and end of the suffering. It isn't selfish or cowardly. It's completely understandable. 

 

Martina, will the psychologist be able to help you with the intrusive thoughts? 

[Martina23]

I dont know, I was already happy that she is against medication and open for such things, because there are some, if you say which kind of intrusive thoughts you have, they can even take you children away. So it a risky business. I will continue searching. I must say honestly, that I also dont want to live if these intrusive thoughts will not go away.

[bluebalu86]

They will go away Martina. They are part of withdrawal. Some people have them because they suffer with OCD, but in your case they were brought on by withdrawal and will go away. I think you should deal with them the same way a person with OCD deals with their thoughts. You can search on google there are a lot of techniques on how to deal with these intrusive thoughts. I think it's best to ignore them because they are not your real thoughts and don't mean anything. You are a gentle and caring person and would never harm your children. Those are "chemical thoughts", they are not real. Look for CBT therapy and exposure and response prevention therapy. They say it helps with the thoughts. There is also a book called "Brain Lock" by Jeffery Schwartz and it says when you get the thoughts to think "It's not me, it's OCD", in your case, that would be "It's not me, it's withdrawal. You can learn to ignore these thoughts and even though they might still be there, they will not cause you such distress.

[Martina23]

Thank you Bluebalu. It is nice that you care.

[Pugknows]

I am an animal lover Martina. Please don't get any rabbits. Your babies are too small to take care of them and you can barely take care of yourself and your babies.

[Martina23]

Jeee, Pug is back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Martina23]

I have today the worst day of my life. I seriously think I am going mad. And I dont know why no one from my friends calls back.

[bluebalu86]

You cannot go mad from these thoughts. The very fact that you think you're going mad means you're of sound mind. It's all anxiety. Trust me, I've dealt with anxiety since as long as I can remember and know what it does to people. Many people think they're losing their mind when in fact they're just anxious. 

[Martina23]

My boss seems to be sour about me because of one very challenging client. It is very hard to please him. Whatever I do, there are always some mistakes. If I fall, it will be for this client. I think, I am already so tired, that I take it as life is a risk. I pray for my health to come again and the job has only the priority after it.

[Martina23]

Currently taking 40 mg, heading for 35 mg. I am afraid already now, but determined to fight till the bitter end.

[LoveandLight]

Good luck Martina xx

[Hopefull]

I dont know, I was already happy that she is against medication and open for such things, because there are some, if you say which kind of intrusive thoughts you have, they can even take you children away. So it a risky business. I will continue searching. I must say honestly, that I also dont want to live if these intrusive thoughts will not go away.

 

 

Martina, don't be afraid to ask your psychologist whether she specialises in Exposure Prevention Therapy and OCD.

That is so ridiculous that they can take the kids away because of thoughts.

So many people would be locked up and parents loosing their kids.

You did not ask for it.

As Blue Balu said, you should have it treated as "normal ",OCD . But if you can't express exactly what is bothering you to the psychologist, for the fear of your kids being taken away from you, then seeing a psychologist will not help you.

 

You have to be open and honest. If the psychologist is judgemental than she is not doing her/his job propley.

Finding a good psychologist is not an easy task. Keep searching you will find the right one for you. Ask your doctor to recommended an OCD specialist.

 

Your symptoms will eventually go away.

Be patient.

[Martina23]

Thank you very much Hopeful. I dont know. I think in my soul I gave up already hope that it will be better. I just try to live till it is possible.

[Muddles]

Thinking of you.

[Martina23]

Muddles, how is it by you? Did it eventually already got better? I am tidying up at the moment, before I was washing the hair to the children because the teacher in the nursery said that I should (I dont know what these teachers always have, always new orders how I should raise up my children). The withdrawal by me is not better. Most of the time I think I had better commit suicide, but who wants to commit suicide. So I continue each day like before and pray that the withdrawal goes away.

[Martina23]

Yesterday in the park I decided to start make drawings again. Drawings of everything - trees, nature, me, houses  and so on. It was always my hobby. I always draw with the pencil therefore I dont consider it painting in the classical sense. I did not do it for a longer time but I think now when I have these all kinds of intrusive thoughts it can be a good idea because it will allow me to feel myself as a valuable human being even when I have these intrusive thoughts.

[bluebalu86]

I think that's a great idea. Martina, you ARE a very valuable human being, the thoughts are not really your thoughts, they are chemical, they are not you. Never forget that. I think you are a wonderful person and mother. I know a lot about these thoughts because I also had them (before meds, as part of anxiety) and I know a lot about them. They are nothing, just noise in your brain. Never let them define you!

[Martina23]

I think the children will have to go again to my mother. When I went today to pick up the children, Emily wanted to hug me and I got such a strong impulse to harm her even if I love her, I think there is something seriously wrong with me from this Lyrica. These are always only impulses but they come so unexpected, I really do think I am destroyed for life, I think God does not love me.

[Martina23]

I think I will not survive this. This medicament is so strong and made me such gaps in perception, I mean how is this possible to have such impulses, I was so much looking forward to my children, I think I should run somewhere to the forest and stay there forever

[Martina23]

I think I will end up one day in prison. And it is not my fault. I was normal before this. I had no head problem whatsoever. I cry very seldom but now I do. It is so unjustified. I love my children and also all other people. And they put me on a drug for pain which they said it is not addictable, it is not an antidepressant, it is just a pain med. On the prescription there was "I should wean it off in one week", I did, and at once I end up fully insane with intrusive thoughts and hate to everyone. And I have to worry if I do not end in prison, even when before I haven´t had any violent thought whatsoever.

 

I am sorry, I had to write it somewhere. If only my body started to do something, but in the reality it does nothing. It is the worst time in my life and I can not do anything about it. I dont want anymore meds but my body does not play with me.

[brassmonkey]

Martina-- it is the small signs of healing that we have to watch out for in order to see that we are making progress.  You're taking walks in the park, that is a plus, you are concerned for your children's safety, that is a plus, you are starting to draw again, your old passion, a big plus.  Each one a small step, but add them up and it is much bigger.

 

Back many years ago when I was in art school I was going through some tough times mentally, totally stressed from work, family matters and life in general.  One day I was stuck for a subject for a painting for class, and my wife told me to paint what I was feeling.  The end results were several surrealistic paintings that I got top marks on, but better yet it got those dark feelings out into the open where they dissipated in the light of day and never bothered me again.  To this day I have a sketch book that I don't let anyone see that contains drawing of the demons and actions that haunt me from time to time.  At first I was drawing frequently but over time it became less and less, until I haven't touched it in several years.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[Martina23]

Brassmonkey, I am totally impressed. Are you an artist? Do you make sculptures? I also wanted to go to the school for arts, but I was afraid, there are so few people which are accepted, the entry examinations are so tough. And I was also afraid that someone might say I have no talent, I loved painting very much and therefore if someone told me I have no talent it would break me, so I rather did not go  there.

 

I had then private lessons by one painter who learned me the perspective, this that for example rails when they in the distance they have to be painted closer to each other, and everything what is more distant has to be smaller. I got from him also a book.

 

So I do more naive art.

 

But I love also the museum of art, also metropolitan museum of art in NY, and in Vienna. And my favourite painter is Pieter Bruegel the elder, his winter landscape. I would sit and look at this painting the whole afternoon. It is so great. It reminds me on my childhood. My grandparents lived on the village and in the winter it looked similar. I love on this painting also this fireplace before the gasthaus. That is for me the top of the art.