Vonnegutjunky: Paxil 10 mg for 8 years - partial wean with reinstatement

[Onmyway]

Hi @Vonnegutjunky, 

I am wondering how you have been. Are things going ok for you? 
OMW

[Vonnegutjunky]

7 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Hi @Vonnegutjunky, 

I am wondering how you have been. Are things going ok for you? 
OMW

Hello, thanks for checking on me. 
 

I am still up and down with my symptoms. I am

down to 8.3 mg of Paxil now (8.3 on my scale so actual dose is lower due to fillers, my 10mg pills weigh 12.5 mg) 

 

so I am resuming my taper, practicing erp, and act, these are  just acceptance therapies for my intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I figure at this point there is probably a lot of my own mental processes causing a lot of my continued issues as most of mine are mental - I do have a few neurological things like occasional double vision, constant incessant tinnitus -heart palpitations and sweating - but mostly it’s just continued fear - 

 

for years I was waiting, for everthing to go away, or distracting, and wishing all of these scary sensations and feelings away, but last year I was hit again when I started hrt - and I realized I had to face my mental processing and learned patterns- so since last august I’ve found a therapist and have been practicing not attaching negative meaning to scary thoughts and sensations- letting them be there - and not saying “oh my god oh my god oh no! I’m dying! I’m going crazy!” And other catastrophic things I normally say to myself - 

 

it’s been hard and I don’t know if the suffering of sitting with these sensations will pay off -

I hope they will- and  i am determied To try- 

 

i often have a fear that I’m a person that “needs” meds - that I am either too mentally ill to live without them or they have now damaged me too much to ever really recover - that may be part of my catastrophic thinking - I don’t know - but so far I have not thrown in the towel and tried a new med - but I never say never - I’m just open to whatever comes next 

 

I hope someday to fully recover - i will keep on fighting - I am working part time - I have a lot to be grateful for 

[direstraits]

Hi @Vonnegutjunky

We've been at this a long time... still can't believe this is happening but here we are.

that's great that you can work.

"I hope someday to fully recover -I will keep on fighting." Me too.

take care 💖

[Vonnegutjunky]

On 4/3/2023 at 2:06 PM, direstraits said:

Hi @Vonnegutjunky

We've been at this a long time... still can't believe this is happening but here we are.

that's great that you can work.

"I hope someday to fully recover -I will keep on fighting." Me too.

take care 💖

We have - I have been reading about dark nights of the souls- hero’s journeys - etc. I am trying to find meaning in this suffering- I can say with certainty if there was something that could teach my stubborn ass a lesson, it was this- for sure- and it has forever changed me - in what way? I’m not sure yet - but I am not who I was 7 years ago - not even close 

[Onmyway]

@Vonnegutjunky, 

 

One of the big lessons I got from withdrawal is that feelings are temporary and they pass - good or bad and if we 'surrender' to them, they really lose their power. I see that that is what you are doing - gaining control over them

 

I think the other thing that I found useful was reading up on trauma and how what we are feeling  is not our fault/genetics or some innate chemical imbalance/flaw but the best our minds and bodies could do to survive difficult situations. 

 

I am very proud of how hard you are working to heal. 

OMW

[Naomi007]

Hi, Vonnegutjunky

 

I am experiencing the same feelings, emotions and intensities

 

Does anything help the DR/DP and intense fears?

 

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

On 4/13/2023 at 3:48 PM, Naomi007 said:

Hi, Vonnegutjunky

 

I am experiencing the same feelings, emotions and intensities

 

Does anything help the DR/DP and intense fears?

 

 

Nothing really helps it for me but befriending it. No longer being afraid of it happening. I don’t welcome it, but I don’t push it away either. 

[Vonnegutjunky]

I am def feeling that almost 1 mg drop. It’s been about 4 mos and I went down almost a whole milligram:) Im proud of myself, but I am also feeling a lot of destabilizing. And the depression is intense. Haven’t felt like this I’m a long time. Holding my taper kept these at bay more than I realized.  I, gonna hold here for a while and hope I can get down to 7mg this summer. 

[Vonnegutjunky]

Vent and a question…..

 

My wd symptoms are becoming more like wd symptoms and less like adverse reaction.

 

I still have ptsd form my adverse reaction- when I think of it I get anxious and upset- I talked about it with my therpist - it’s been so long - 5 years ago- I feel bad for that woman that endured that - I have a YouTube channel and I watched my old videos of when I was in the thick of it- and I tried so hard to stay postive - like I was as a child, living with a mom who had schizophrenia and being put in and out of orphanages - trying to stay positive and just make it through -I cry for that woman 5 years ago who was in that psychotic terror for days on end with no answers and feeling so alone- I came on here trying to be postive when in reality I was praying for a fast death every night- still I lived as best as I could. 
 

I saw a chart on another members thread about the percentages that Paxil blocks sert- I feel like had I known this earlier I would have tapered quicker -now,  in my gut I feel the med has been keeping my cns destabilized, but for the longest time I couldn’t conceive they such a “low dose” could have tat effect - baby dose is what my doc kept calling 10mg - 

 

it’s been 7 years off and on that I’ve been dealing with this hell - 

 

maybe that’s the way it needed to be - I now read about mind body connection- zazen meditation, compassion, loving kindness- a higher power- I am really trying to become the person I really want to be- someone who can’t show and receive love - 

 

but now it kind of all makes sense - I think the Paxil was effectively poisoning me  

 

I hope I can heal from that - 

 

does a drug that blocks sert keep receptors downgraded? 
where would be a good place to ask that question? 

 

thanks for reading - 

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

Reread my whole thread. 
 

re-read and really understood some of the things  others were trying to convey when I was at my worst and just could not comprehend. 
 

 

so I now realize I’ve been in tolerance this entire time. For some reason all of these years I thought I would stabilize on these pills, pfft - now I know that won’t happen. 
 

I hit another wave today. I’m trying to live my life in spite of the waves. 
 

 

I am going to a training an hour away from my home. It’s a 8am-5pm training for 3 days - 

 

I don’t do well during the day, my tiredness and my circadian rhythm makes me want to sleep all day- and I do, and when I don’t I am much more anxious- so I am worried this training is going to really derail me - but what choice do I have? 
 

I’ve been in tolerance all of these years and just now really able to wake up to that fact - 

 

part of me wants the get on a new drug and stay there - the other part of me remembers what it’s like to be on them and how they damaged my liver, made me sleep for 12-14 hours a day, stopped my orgasms and made me very heavy and prediabetic- 

 

amongst other things -

 

im writing because I’m in a wave, because I am realizing things, and because I am afraid of going to that training - 

 

when the anxiety hits me, in the wave, my whole internal body feels like I am full of electricity- my eyes get doubled vision bad and my belly hurts - I am terrified of the feelings, I want to stay in bed, I have intrusive thoughts and see things out of my peripheral- 

 

I can remind myself that it’s only withdrawal, that I am in tolerance and getting if the meds is the only option- or I can get on a new medication- but none of those things help- 

 

I would love to stop being afraid of how I feel- to let it roll off and keep going in spite of this consuming terror- 

 

I hope someone can give reassurance- has been through tolerance wd and made it out and got better as they decreased - 

 

Hope everyone is finding some peace - 

 

 

[Onmyway]

@Vonnegutjunky

I haven't been in tolerance withdrawal but I can vouch for the immense relief that comes from facing your feelings and accepting how you feel. 

 

Not fighting withdrawal with multiple interventions and instead accepting that anxiety etc would be part of my life for a while was life changing for me. I still got agitated and anxious but the less I worried about feeling that way, the less impact it had on my life.  

 

For this training,  you can decide that not sleeping during the day and being anxious will be unpleasant but like many other unpleasant things you will absolutely get through it and minute by minute,  hour by hour,  day by day this will go away. 

 

I've been through the day trainings just barely holding myself together and craving alone time and sleep. I got through it.  So will you.  Think of all the unpleasant things you've overcome. This has nothing on you!

 

Omw

 

[Rosetta]

I’m sorry that you are still struggling.  You are doing the right thing by tapering.  Your fears about the training are normal, but amplified by WD.  When you get there, it will be better than what you expect.  For now, I know that does not help much, but I always find that I am better than I think I will be.  There has been a lot of anticipatory anxiety for me through this ordeal, and it’s hard to remind myself that I feel better than I anticipate.

 

Good luck! -🧚🏻‍♀️Rosetta

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

Thank you @Onmyway @Rosetta I appreciate your replies. 
 

I try to accept these sensations and feeling like I am on a bad acid trip, and about to lose my mind - I try to let it wash over me without fighting it, but in the midst of it, I don’t feel like I have the cognitive skills to do it - I fight it, I try to distract, I read about how others use acceptance, but I feel like I can’t get there, like in the midst of it, my thoughts are so scattered and intrusive I can’t reason with myself to say “ok this is just withdrawal and it will pass” it’s like all of that reasoning is gone and I loop from panic to more panic - none of the cooking skills work - that’s what scares me- being at this training and not being able to do what I need to calm myself - hmmmmm- 

 

@Onmyway can I ask more about your experience and what you did at your training? How you made it though? 

[Onmyway]

11 hours ago, Vonnegutjunky said:

Thank you @Onmyway @Rosetta I appreciate your replies. 
 

I try to accept these sensations and feeling like I am on a bad acid trip, and about to lose my mind - I try to let it wash over me without fighting it, but in the midst of it, I don’t feel like I have the cognitive skills to do it - I fight it, I try to distract, I read about how others use acceptance, but I feel like I can’t get there, like in the midst of it, my thoughts are so scattered and intrusive I can’t reason with myself to say “ok this is just withdrawal and it will pass” it’s like all of that reasoning is gone and I loop from panic to more panic - none of the cooking skills work - that’s what scares me- being at this training and not being able to do what I need to calm myself - hmmmmm- 

 

@Onmyway can I ask more about your experience and what you did at your training? How you made it though? 

Hi @Vonnegutjunky

I had training for work. Mine was a two day event and we had a bunch of activities,  including team work. My memory is hazy but I remember telling myself that all I had to do is get through the day, didn't have to feel good,  just had to observe time pass.  I'm generally an active person but was not in these exercises. 

The feeling was similar to having the flu and having to just be in bed with the chills. I didn't try to distract or think about it and make sense of it or tell myself it would go away. 

 

I think of it like having cramps.  They're coming and at the time of the pain the only thing you can do is focus on the pain and let it wash over you.  

 

It's hard to do when you have a trauma history because trauma's legacy is to keep you alert and attempting to gain a semblance of control over an uncontrollable situation. It tells you you're not in control and you might not survive if you don't take as much control as possible.  But in this case you are not really in danger.  The outcome of this, once you patiently wait, is healing. It's just hard for our bodies to know this. 

 

OMW

Edited September 11, 2023 by Onmyway

[Vonnegutjunky]

Thank you for your response - yes - control is a huge issue for me - makes things feel so much worse 

[Rosetta]

I hope you are doing ok today. 🧚🏻‍♀️Rosetta

[Vonnegutjunky]

Update: 

 

a week ago, Nov 8th I was involved in a really bad car accident. I sustained a concussion due to whiplash, I lost consciousness for 5-10 minutes and then had transient global amnesia for about 15 minutes after the accident. 
 

I was just at a point where I was feeling so good. I was having days and weeks where I felt fully 100% normal and my confidence in my taper returned. 
 

so now I’m set back. 
 

 

however; and one thing that I learned, and cannot stress enough, head trauma and adverse reaction to meds FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME. 
 

Someone should be looking into head injury and benzo and ssri adverse reaction- omg when your drug causes adverse reaction or even maybe just stops working - it feels almost identical - 

 

or I got thrown into a wave from the trauma of the accident - either way - I hope 🤞this doesn’t set me back too far. 

[direstraits]

Sorry to hear this @Vonnegutjunky

I hope you feel better soon 💕.

Take care 

[Onmyway]

@Vonnegutjunky so sorry to fear about the concussion. Please take good care of yourself and get the rest needed for healing. 

 

Have you seen the post "What is happening in your brain" - it describes the withdrawal symptoms as temporary brain injury,  it doesn't surprise me that it feels the same. 

 

Please be kind to yourself and take as much time as you can of rest and healing. 

Omw

[Vonnegutjunky]

11 minutes ago, Onmyway said:

@Vonnegutjunky so sorry to fear about the concussion. Please take good care of yourself and get the rest needed for healing. 

 

Have you seen the post "What is happening in your brain" - it describes the withdrawal symptoms as temporary brain injury,  it doesn't surprise me that it feels the same. 

 

Please be kind to yourself and take as much time as you can of rest and healing. 

Omw

I don’t think I ever did read that - not surprised at all! 
 

 

thanks everyone for the well wishes and sentiments I appreciate it - 

 

I am taking things slow - I just really reignited my dpdr and ocd with the accident - 

 

 

I didn’t even see the accident coming either- it was like I was asleep in my bed and then in an ambulance- I lost memory of the events of me taking my daughter to school that morning when it happened - luckily she was completely fine - but the car hit us without warning and kept going - my car is gone - 10k is what I paid for it 4 years ago, it’s totaled and I only had liability - cops are looking for evidence of who it was but so far no luck - 

 

im happy I have a therapist I can vent all of this to - one thing I will say- in the throws of the worst  of my withdrawal journey, I couldn’t think of anything scarier than what I was going through- well I found out, I need to be grateful- things can get worse - I could be in the icu or worse right now- 

 

I hope everyone is finding moments of beauty and joy - even if they are small 

[Onmyway]

Hereis the link @Vonnegutjunky.