Melanie: should I reinstate Lexapro

[LoveandLight]

Hi I'm currently on prozac, mel. Hopefully my last med I will ingest - psychiatric, anyway!

 

We are strong, we will get through xx

[melanie]

Hi I'm currently on prozac, mel. Hopefully my last med I will ingest - psychiatric, anyway!

We are strong, we will get through xx

Hello again LoveandLight,

 

I'm still here for a moment. Will read your thread and post soon.

 

I think I will understand a lot concerning Prozac. I hope I will be able to help you somehow. My highest dose of Prozac was 20 mg (1999-2002). Then I stopped CT. It was hell.

 

In 2013 I wasn't able to ingest more than 5 mg. Because of anxiety.

 

Then I took less and less for a year and a half, cut the pill until I reached 1/8 sometime in March 2014. Then every second day. Terrible energy and anxiety.

 

Sometimes I think I'm still in withdrawal from Prozac, it was my most beloved SSRI.

 

But I'm fighting Lexapro right now and also hope it will be the last SSRI in my life. Not to speak of SNRIs...

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Mel

[ten0275]

mel, hey.

thanks for stopping by my thread and saying hello - and for the kind words. always appreciated!

i hope that your struggle w/ the lexapro and benzos reaches a clear resolution and that your suffering diminishes soon. your hospital description was spot-on w/ much of what i encountered. when i was in the hospital, i absolutely knew that i was going through withdrawal and for the life of me, i could not get my treatment team to take me seriously. they wanted to diagnose me a bazillion other things except what it truly was. they wanted me to take drugs - and lots of them.

it is my observation and opinion that psychiatric hospitals seek to neutralize - not enable - their "consumers." (that's what we're called, did you know that? in the paperwork, we are often referred to as consumers.) that is to say, they are less concerned with healing as they are with neutralizing, absolutely obliterating, any chance of self or other harm in individuals that enter their charge. and in so doing, you find people who are tremendously medicated, to the point of practical immobility. i am only thankful that i was there voluntarily and was able to check myself out with 24 hours notice each time. it completely freaks me out to think that had i said something "wrong," they could have changed my voluntary status to involuntary, and i would have been at their mercy. and considering the nature of the intrusive thoughts i had at that time, saying something "wrong" was not such a far-fetched occurence.

for me, when i hit that point of hospitalization, it was because i was fully exhausted, felt very unsafe, and was basically bobbing around in an ocean of horror, doubt, fear, and intensity that made me reach for something that i thought would provide me solace. for me, it was without question the wrong choice. it brought me the opposite of solace. but it did give me an interesting first-hand view of our psychiatric hospital system.

anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your story and to check-in. please thrive.

hang in there,

dave

[melanie]

mel, hey.

thanks for stopping by my thread and saying hello - and for the kind words. always appreciated!

i hope that your struggle w/ the lexapro and benzos reaches a clear resolution and that your suffering diminishes soon. your hospital description was spot-on w/ much of what i encountered. when i was in the hospital, i absolutely knew that i was going through withdrawal and for the life of me, i could not get my treatment team to take me seriously. they wanted to diagnose me a bazillion other things except what it truly was. they wanted me to take drugs - and lots of them.

it is my observation and opinion that psychiatric hospitals seek to neutralize - not enable - their "consumers." (that's what we're called, did you know that? in the paperwork, we are often referred to as consumers.) that is to say, they are less concerned with healing as they are with neutralizing, absolutely obliterating, any chance of self or other harm in individuals that enter their charge. and in so doing, you find people who are tremendously medicated, to the point of practical immobility. i am only thankful that i was there voluntarily and was able to check myself out with 24 hours notice each time. it completely freaks me out to think that had i said something "wrong," they could have changed my voluntary status to involuntary, and i would have been at their mercy. and considering the nature of the intrusive thoughts i had at that time, saying something "wrong" was not such a far-fetched occurence.

for me, when i hit that point of hospitalization, it was because i was fully exhausted, felt very unsafe, and was basically bobbing around in an ocean of horror, doubt, fear, and intensity that made me reach for something that i thought would provide me solace. for me, it was without question the wrong choice. it brought me the opposite of solace. but it did give me an interesting first-hand view of our psychiatric hospital system.

anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your story and to check-in. please thrive.

hang in there,

dave

Hello Dave,

 

Thank you for posting on my thread. It brightened my day.

 

I'm very curios how they C/T you off the benzos in the hospital. Have you ever tried the Ashton Manual? AA meetings for the benzo addiction? PA meetings?

 

It's outrageous they put people on stuff like mirtazapine, mianserin or quetiapine after the benzos. Used to try all the three, didn't absolutely work for me. I was on Remeron for three weeks, together with Lexapro. Beautiful combo it was...

 

But it's so great you're off benzos now. I so envy you. I used to be benzo-free for 11 years. You never know when they would come back to get you. And kindling is the most terrible experience imaginable.

 

I will go through your thread some more, when time allows. And post some more. You have such a funny way of writing English. Casual I guess? I am not a native, I cannot describe it...

 

But also a funny way of talking about your experiences, though they were horrific... Black humour I suppose... A bit like in a Woody Allen movie. Such a long time I haven't gone to see any Woody Allen's. Used to love those movies, watched every single one of them.

 

Your thread actually made me smile, which I haven't done for a long time. The way you described those waves at the back of your office. Calling you to throw yourself into them and drown.

 

I had a similar experience with the subway train. Calling me to throw myself underneath it. But I am homebound, so cannot go to the subway station anyway... I even planned a group suicide, with my Kitty... But I love her too much to hurt her or to leave her...

 

To sum it up, your benzo journey is a great inspiration to me. But remember, benzos are an enemy which is "cunning, baffling and powerful". I was so sure of myself I would never touch them after 11 yrs. bullsh*t.

 

They put me on them in 1993 for social anxiety. I was only able to break free after 10 yrs use. I did it at home, but it was nightmare. Then back to hell in May 2014.

 

Now, I'm tapering, together with Lexapro, under pdoc's supervision. I've had this pdoc since 2010. Must trust someone...

 

Keep healing, so glad you're getting better and better....

 

Mel

[ten0275]

hey mel,

i'm glad the post helped and thanks for reading a bit of my thread - it's kind of neat to know how the written word reads to non-native readers. i guess maybe i write how i talk and don't really put any more thought into it other than i'm having a conversation with someone, and the writing just comes out like the talking would. perhaps that is why it sounds sort of conversational? interesting to hear about it nonetheless.

so, i didn't c/t a benzo in the hospital. basically what happened to me is i started having some very bad benzo withdrawal symptoms while still on the benzo. and the doctors gave me two options. one was to go higher and higher on the benzo (or switch benzos) and the other was to get off the benzo. i didn't know anything about withdrawal or tapering at that time. so when i opted to stop taking the benzo and they said just take half the dose for a couple days and then just stop, i did so. and i got sicker faster. after a little research and learning i'd made a huge mistake, i reinstated and basically did a 2 month taper that i suppose kept me clear of the threat of seizure, but that was about all. just a few days after i jumped from the benzo completely, i admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital. they wanted to reinstate and i refused. and then it was the all-out-hell-hath-no-fury-like-battle of acute withdrawal for a solid 6 to 8 months.

now in terms of the addiction side of things - this is something that i have noticed. there seems to be two very distinct subsets of benzo withdrawal sufferers. on one hand, there are those who end up having pill cravings and very addiction-like withdrawal tendencies - those who find benzos hard to resist, particularly in times of crisis. i am not part of this subset. i have had absolutely no pill cravings - ever. in fact, i have a deep aversion to them. for example at one point when my withdrawal symptoms were particularly viscious, i began wondering if perhaps it wasn't withdrawal after all - as many of us do. i was concerned that maybe there was some other underlying pathology like a brain tumor or something. i was scheduled to have a brain MRI - and for the scan, they slide you into the tube where you have to remain for about an hour. they asked me if i was claustrophobic and i took one look at the tube and said, "oh man, in that thing? uh, absolutely." they wanted to give me a benzo because of this and i refused. so i just sweated out the fear in the enclosure until i could get out of thing. and when i say sweated it out, i smelled like a football player 3 hours post-game who forgot to shower before heading to the pub.

though many criticize it for a number of reasons, the ashton manual was something that i referenced often during benzo withdrawal - primarily because it was the only resource i was familiar with. i found enough helpful information in there to get me out of my personal predicament. i sent professor ashton a series of letters and finally did get a response, but she was not able to help me in any great way personally - which i understood. ashton actually addresses the difference between those with pill cravings and those like myself who do not have them. In response to whether a 12 step-type program is useful she suggests:

"This is a personal choice, and opinions vary considerably in the benzodiazepine recovery community. Some feel that most people who have a benzodiazepine dependency are not drug abusers. Rather, they are people who have taken a medication according to their doctor's instructions for a specific medical and/or psychological condition, have never exceeded the recommended dosage, have never experienced a "high" or intoxication from the drug, and have never experienced a specific craving for the drug. This is where the term "accidental addict" is rooted. Often, people who fit this mould feel that 12 step programs such as NA are not suitable for them, because those programs are aimed at conditioning people to avoid abuse type behaviours. People with a benzodiazepine dependency are often seeking support and guidance on how to manage their withdrawal syndrome, not training on how to avoid drug abuse."

sorry you experienced the same ideation to take your life as i did behind my office by the river, but i am glad that you were able to pull back from the edge and persevere. if you see yourself carefully to the end of your withdrawal, you will be so happy you did. keep up the great work of this great task.

 

i picture everyone in the sunshine of their recovery.

hang in there, sister mel.

dave

[AliG]

Thanks for your support, Mel.  I appreciate you  stopping by with words of  encouragement.

 

I hope you're travelling well  & healing continues, with  "lots of windows" , along the way.

[Hopefull]

Hi Mel,

Just stopping by to see how you are?

It has been a little while.

Best wishes Hopefull.

[starburst]

Hi Mel

I hope you are doing o.k. You have been through a rough time. You are a strong women to have gone through all that you have and come out the other side. That same strength will see you through. Things will get better. Hang in there x

[calithebold]

Hi Mel

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I hope you are okay! You have certainly had a rough ride. Thinking of you.

[melanie]

Hi Mel

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I hope you are okay! You have certainly had a rough ride. Thinking of you.

Hi Mel

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I hope you are okay! You have certainly had a rough ride. Thinking of you.

Hello Cali,

 

Thanks for your beautiful epic post on your thread. And for thinking of me. The part about your dreams brought tears to my eyes. I really hope you will fulfill them in the future... And even if you don't get off all the drugs completely, it's important to have them reduced in a significant proportion. And to be on 1-2 drugs instead of 8.

 

But that's a very long tough journey ahead of you. I know you can make it cause you quit benzos in 2014. You're strong. You don't have the physical cravings any more, the interdose withdrawals.

 

I guess pdocs partially made you undergo this inhumane treatement with antipsychotycs to free you of benzos. Cause you unfortunately, just like me, have this potential for abuse. I underwent a similar treatment (though not so tough) in 2002 for 3 months. At home. Which allowed me to be benzo-free for 11 yrs. But the potential for med abuse runs in my family. I got my first Valium as a teen from my grandmother (now dead), father was on sleeping pills for his entire life.

 

And those 5 alpha receptors in the GABA system - they never forget the benzos...

 

Benzos are alluring, but bring so much pain - all the original disease symptoms come back with triple strength. They are not worth trying. Some people just don't have the potential for abuse, like we do. It's a disease, like alcoholism, and it's not our fault we have it. Even if we become sober. No one has the right to stigmatize those who take benzos, drink or do drugs. It's a disease. I learnt it through AA.

 

I was also thinking of you... How important it is you channelled your energy into something constructive, like writing, reading. According to Daniel Goleman, the author of "Emotional Intelligence". One of the most important things is having this "guiding awareness of your values and goals". Dreams are what will get us through. Action, persistence and perseverance in the face of adversity. One day at a time. Being here and now only. And taking these small steps towards a better future, our dreamed future.

 

I also used to write in my native tongue. Wrote a few poems. They lie safely in my drawer. I have a background in literature and in philosophy. It helped me to put into words my feelings about the fragility and passing of existence (especially my Kitty's), internal torment, tragedy that sometimes strikes you so unexpectedly in life. I was abused as a child and throughout my lifetime, wrote a lot about it. It was kind of therapeutic. What is your book about?

 

This site carries a lot of suffering but also a lot of hope. I don't come here often, but when I meet souls like you. I just feel compelled to write. Haven't yet had time to read many stories here...

 

I'm glad you stopped quarelling with your neighbors! Seems like you have a lot of energy... Benzos and SSRI withdrawal have pulled me to the ground completely, I'm drained of all energy. I never was an energetic person, but now it's just terrible. I'm just non functional. Only emotions are so intense, scary, overwhelming... They bring anxiety, OCD, insomnia...

 

You see, my pdoc didn't give me anything to taper benzos, I'm supposed to do it on my own... Last year, from March till September - we tried like 20 different meds and nothing worked. I had an adverse reaction to everything. The majority I flushed down the toilet, cause they gave me appetite. And I'm anorectic/bulimic on top of everything. The bulimia thing came with reducing the Lexapro.

 

Well, I also have some goals: 1) to take as many pictures of my beautiful Kitty as possible and have them sorted in paper albums; 2) to keep and to sort out my flat so it becomes a safe haven for me and Kitty - and not just this crazy mess; 3) to become functional and able to work part-time from home, while keeping my disability benefit; 4) to reduce the meds so they allow me to regain my lost functionality; 5) to stop self-harm stemming from childhood abuse; 6) to reunite with my ex-husband so that we continue together our journey towards sobriety.

 

Keep writing Cali. It may liberate you. Here's a part of poem about writing. By Wislawa Szymborska, English translation runs like that:

 

"THE JOY OF WRITING"

 

[... ] "Is there a world

where I rule absolutely on fate?

A time I bind with chains of signs?

An existence become endless at my bidding?

 

The joy of writing,

The power of preserving,

Revenge of a mortal hand."

 

The new photo of Cali is absolutely fantastic! My girl is rather plump, not thin like yours! I send her and her Mom lots of virtual hugs

You are in my thoughts Cali. Keep healing.

 

Mel

[melanie]

Hi Mel,

Just stopping by to see how you are?

It has been a little while.

Best wishes Hopefull.

Sent you a long PM, Hopefull.

 

Sorry it's so chaotic...

 

Definitely check out "As good as it gets" with Jack Nicholson.

 

Great song from this movie too: "Always look on the bright side of life".

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[Flowers]

Hi Melanie

 

Thanks for stopping by my thread.! Sorry it was a while ago and I am just catching up with it all!

 

How are you doing?

 

Flowers xxx

[JanCarol]

Hey Melanie - we met on cali's thread.

 

I was looking through your thread, and was a bit alarmed at the Diane-35.  It's been banned in France, and in Australia is no longer used as contraceptive because of blood clotting.  (It is, however, still available for acne, which is your use of it).  In looking this up, I saw where it can cause extreme mood swings.  Just another variable in the complex picture of your brain, emotions, and withdrawal scenario.

 

In order to get smaller amounts for taper, many people make their own liquid (if you cannot get it by prescription).  Instructions to do this are here:  How to Make a Liquid from Tablets or Capsule.  There are many here who have done this successfully; it is so much easier than dry cutting.

 

I am thankful that you have slowed your taper and understand the value of holding - it gives your brain time to grow neurons (a process which can be somewhat startling, and sometimes even painful).  Good for you Mel!  You've gotten so much better in the short time you've been coming here!
 

I hope you see the sun today.

[melanie]

Thanks for your support, Mel.  I appreciate you  stopping by with words of  encouragement.

 

I hope you're travelling well  & healing continues, with  "lots of windows" , along the way.

Hello Ali, just posted on your thread. Thank you for remembering me.

 

I'm not here often but you're in my thoughts.

 

x Mel

[melanie]

Hi Mel,

Just stopping by to see how you are?

It has been a little while.

Best wishes Hopefull.

Thank you for remembering me, Hopefull.

 

You're in my thoughts.

 

Will get back to you soon.

 

I wish you continued healing and peace of mind.

 

x Mel

[melanie]

Hi Mel

I hope you are doing o.k. You have been through a rough time. You are a strong women to have gone through all that you have and come out the other side. That same strength will see you through. Things will get better. Hang in there x

Hello Princessstarburst,

 

Thank you for posting on my thread. Am following yours as much as time/energy allow.

 

I see you're doing great. You got the liquid, that's good.

 

I am also very sensitive to noise. You wrote about those housework related noises your Hubby made. It's great he's doing housework!

 

Wish you lots of healing.

 

x Mel

[melanie]

Hi Melanie

 

Thanks for stopping by my thread.! Sorry it was a while ago and I am just catching up with it all!

 

How are you doing?

 

Flowers xxx

Hi Flowers,

 

Thank you for posting on my thread. It's great you found a real flesh and bone friend in a foreign country.

 

I know how it feels living in a foreign country. It's tough... I used to have no one to speak to in my native tongue. It was a horrible experience.

 

If you forgot to take your citalopram - does it mean you're not addicted to it after all?

 

I don't feel well, so I just refrain from posting. Tend to isolate, become autistic. Especially with those I care most about. Funny.

 

But I kind of stabilize on 1,25 mg Lexapro.

 

I see you also have issues with benzos, that makes me understand you better.

 

Two tapers at the same time. It's difficult.

 

x Mel

[melanie]

Hey Melanie - we met on cali's thread.

 

I was looking through your thread, and was a bit alarmed at the Diane-35.  It's been banned in France, and in Australia is no longer used as contraceptive because of blood clotting.  (It is, however, still available for acne, which is your use of it).  In looking this up, I saw where it can cause extreme mood swings.  Just another variable in the complex picture of your brain, emotions, and withdrawal scenario.

 

In order to get smaller amounts for taper, many people make their own liquid (if you cannot get it by prescription).  Instructions to do this are here:  How to Make a Liquid from Tablets or Capsule.  There are many here who have done this successfully; it is so much easier than dry cutting.

 

I am thankful that you have slowed your taper and understand the value of holding - it gives your brain time to grow neurons (a process which can be somewhat startling, and sometimes even painful).  Good for you Mel!  You've gotten so much better in the short time you've been coming here!

 

I hope you see the sun today.

Hey Jan,

 

Thank you for your concern. In fact, I stabilized on 1,25 mg Lexapro. I can't say if I'm better than on 2,5 mg. Anyway, on 2,5 mg I had five suicide attempts this year, and not a single one on 1,25 mg.

 

It's been two months and two days on 1,25 mg Lexapro. With two failed RIs to 2,5 mg along the way. One lasted 3 days, the other 2 days. Pdoc wants me to stay on 1,25 mg but gives me nothing to taper the benzos. I should just taper without any additional medicine, i.e. a mood stabilizer. I saw pdoc on Tuesday. He's also against switching from Diane-35 to another BC anti-androgenic pill. He fears it would damage me more, the results cannot be predicted.

 

The major health issues I'm experiencing now are OCD (compulsions), anxiety, insomnia, being non functional, social phobia, anorexia (with bouts of bulimia) and agoraphobia. I cannot differentiate which are WD and which are health related. They all existed before I took any pill. I've been sick for 28 years, that's a long time.

 

I also taper benzos, which give me depression, anxiety and insomnia. With the help of pdoc, AA folks, therapist and maybe also this forum. We shall see.

 

Diane-35 is the most mysterious ingredient in my hellish drug cocktail. I'm about to resume taking it in one day, as three gynecologists I saw consider I should. I'm scared of it, but I'm more scared of acne.

 

I have an obsession with acne and being thin. In fact, my skin looks good (not perfect) and I'm thin. But it's never ENOUGH. I know you don't like diagnoses, but have you heard of a condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Thinking you look ugly when in fact you look OK. It's part of the OCD. I probably have this condition. This is why it scares me to come off from a BC pill, I could only switch it to another - potentially less harmful? But which one, that's the question.

 

I suspect Diane-35 aggravates my depression. I never had suicide attempts before. Job loss in December last year could have also contributed to them. I've been unable to work for 17 months. I'm on disability benefit and dependent financially on my parents, which upsets me tremendously. The disability benefit is only enough to pay the rent. I am so scared about my future. And the future of my 4,5 yr old Kitty. I live for her. For her only.

 

Should work part-time but I'm non functional. Cannot work with all these issues. How to work when one cannot function and run the house. Take care of self and the Kitty.

 

When I started taking Diane-35 in Aug. 2015, I became very sluggish, low energy and even more depressed. But after 30 yrs of unsucsessfully fighting acne with different antibiotics and topical treatments, I was determined to stay on it.

 

Seeing the state I was in, pdoc (the same since 2010) started changing my AD's, but nothing worked. He tried about 20 different ADs in two years, hoping I would be able to conquer fear and come back to work. That's how I finally landed on benzos which shattered my life to pieces.

 

Went to AA meeting yesterday, received lots of hugs and compassion from dear old friends, that was awesome.

 

As for Diane-35. This year, I saw three gynecologists about it. Two were in favour of switching to another BC - containing progestin and natural estradiol - Qlaira or Belara. One opted for staying on Diane-35, as "all BC pills cause depression". Had all possible blood tests, hormonal tests and gynecological tests done. I'm also having severe gynecological issues and underwent major surgery for it in 2010.

 

I would be very interested if there are any women on the forum who take Diane-35 along with AD/benzo and how it affects them. Or any other BC anti-androgenic pill. For acne. Don't know how to get this knowledge though.

 

Diane-35 is labelled with "suicide warning" in Canada (as are all the SSRIs all over the world). It was never approved in the US, due to cyproterone acetate preclinical results. The FDA also suspected it was linked to the liver cancer. It was banned in France, but the European Commission ordered France to put it back on the market in January 2014. The return of acne after stopping Diane-35 is horrendous, with cysts etc.

 

What I am wondering about - whether I should switch to a more natural BC anti-androgenic pill on Tuesday. I still don't know. That's a big dillema I face. There are horror stories about both Diane-35 and Yasmin on www.acne.org.

 

I know this is not a site for advising on BC anti-androgenic pills. I just wanted to share my fear and doubts relative to this pill. In hope of hearing from anyone having similar experience.

 

On Dr Healy's site there was a report on a woman who commited suicide while being on such a combo: Prozac, Lunesta (z-benzo for sleep) and Diane-35. She threw herself under the train. Which drug was the culprit?

 

Sorry it's been so long and chaotic. Rant over. Thanks for listening.

 

Take care, Mel

[manymoretodays]

I thought I would just stop by your thread too.......

 

I don't have much to add right now but hope you are well enough.  I could relate to some of your beginning stuff for sure.........housebound for what seemed like a long time......I tried to turn it into a monastery of sorts......LOL..........now it is a clearance center healing and recovery home........I think a couple of the monks are still hanging about though from time to time.......and angels  .   I like to use my imagination to cope when I can.

[starburst]

Hi Mel

I never took birth control, so I am not much help to you. It always scared me and I am a bit of a hippy at heart who prefers 'natural' alternatives. Funny how I ended up on antidepressants and benzos!! My eldest daughter suffered badly with acne and was put on birth control at 18 which seemed to help. I have heard stories about women who have found improvement with their skin after implementing more raw fruits and veg in to their diet. I don't know if it would help but it couldn't do any harm I guess. 

 

Much love to you xxx

[AliG]

 Hi Melanie,

 

I'm sorry , for what you have been through.  It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of issues.( Aren't we all ? )   I understand.  Nevertheless , you seem to be navigating through the "rocky terrain", with a certain  confidence &  resilience  . I hope some of these thoughts and ideas  resolve , as you start to heal  and feel good, " in your skin" again. It just takes time.  I'm sure you will make it through.   Cheering you  on.       Hugs,  Ali.

[melanie]

I thought I would just stop by your thread too.......

 

I don't have much to add right now but hope you are well enough.  I could relate to some of your beginning stuff for sure.........housebound for what seemed like a long time......I tried to turn it into a monastery of sorts......LOL..........now it is a clearance center healing and recovery home........I think a couple of the monks are still hanging about though from time to time.......and angels  .   I like to use my imagination to cope when I can.

Hello again Manymoretodays,

 

Thank you for stopping by my thread. It means a lot... Posted you a long reply on yours. Anyway, still here for a while...

 

Well, my imagination used to help me. Now it's playing tricks on me. Imagining my Kitty get sick or die, me losing flat, being unable to get out of bed, becoming homeless etc...

 

I need that monastery, I really do. It reminds me that a great order can arise out from the chaos. The chaos I'm currently in...

 

Just giving up all that material unneeded stuff... sticking only to what me and Kitty really need.

 

Concentrating on Nature's beauty and it's power to heal.

 

I'm still at the Step One. Have been there for 12 yrs, though doing all of them once. It's a lifetime job.

 

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."

 

My OCD existed well before the drugs. But they surely exacerbated it...

 

And Kitty is my Guardian Angel - she's "the light keeping darkness away." Do you know that "Power of Love" song by Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NyoTvgPn0rU

 

Got to be "here and now" - which means mindfully doing the dishes and taking care of the Kitty's daily needs. In a while. It's 7.26 pm here...

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[melanie]

Hi Mel

I never took birth control, so I am not much help to you. It always scared me and I am a bit of a hippy at heart who prefers 'natural' alternatives. Funny how I ended up on antidepressants and benzos!! My eldest daughter suffered badly with acne and was put on birth control at 18 which seemed to help. I have heard stories about women who have found improvement with their skin after implementing more raw fruits and veg in to their diet. I don't know if it would help but it couldn't do any harm I guess. 

 

Much love to you xxx

Hi Princess,

 

Thank you for your concern, it means a lot... It's the first day of my Diane-35 after 7 days break... And I really suspect I may have swallowed a deadly poison again.

 

Too scared of switching to another BC pill, though. What BC was your daughter on and how long? If you don't mind me asking... You may PM me if it's too personal...

 

It's so good you've always been into natural stuff... this will help you through with Lexapro...

 

For me, eating is a great challenge. But I'm trying. More fruit juices and yoghurts in recent times I guess. That reminded me to put a fruit juice in my fridge! Your post... Will have it when I'm done with posting.

 

We both got weight issues, though "slightly" different. You like to eat - which is great. I used to love food as well. Liked to go out to eat with my loved one. It was great...

 

For the last year and a half, I've been feeling compelled to starve myself. That's a bonus I got with the disease unfolding.

 

For your weight issues, I would suggest a stationary bicycle. Have you ever thought about it? It's awesome. Unless you ride a real one...

 

It's been raining here in my Northern Country for the last two days. Complete darkness. This makes me so depressed. Am toying with the idea of getting back to 2,5 mg Lexapro... But... have tried RI twice in the last two months... did not work.

 

I long for the Sun so much... Do you know "There's Always the Sun" by Stranglers:

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Um9kd-mhhK4

 

Oh, have posted too many links to songs today, I guess.

 

In Australia, you get lots of sun, don't you? How much I miss it... just rain pounding on the window panes...

 

Love, Mel

[melanie]

Hi Melanie,

 

I'm sorry , for what you have been through.  It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of issues.( Aren't we all ? )   I understand.  Nevertheless , you seem to be navigating through the "rocky terrain", with a certain  confidence &  resilience  . I hope some of these thoughts and ideas  resolve , as you start to heal  and feel good, " in your skin" again. It just takes time.  I'm sure you will make it through.   Cheering you  on.       Hugs,  Ali.

Hey AliG,

 

Thanks for cheering me on! You always succeed in doing that. Posted you some philosophical stuff on your thread... Studied philosophy once, am much into it... Whatever helps - that's not chemical. I mean, changing your brain chemistry in a natural way.

 

Had to turn down a great part-time job perspective... am so depressed...

 

So many dear friends to whom I haven't answered via e-mail, via pm. Just too exhausted to do it now.

 

It's been raining since two days here. There's more rain to come during the week. Not sure if I can handle this. Darkness.

 

Sending you the same song I sent to Princess, but I long so much for the Sun:

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Um9kd-mhhK4

 

"There's Always the Sun" by Stranglers. I hope to see the Sun in my life to... Right now, there's just Darkness...

 

Wish I could express it all better in English, so many words for it in my native tongue...

 

Will try to be more positive in my next post, hold on, dear brave Ali.

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Mel

[brassmonkey]

Hi Mel-  I couldn't help but notice this 

 

"Am toying with the idea of getting back to 2,5 mg Lexapro... But... have tried RI twice in the last two months... did not work." 

 

It can take up to two months or more for the first RI to have worked properly. It still might actually help to go back up to 2.5mg but you will have to give it a lot of time to settle in.  Because you've changed several times in the last couple of months your brain is very confused and will need some time to readjust.

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

[starburst]

Hi Mel, I'm not sure what BC she was on. I feel kind of awkward asking her (Plus she is five months pregnant at the moment!) I understand your loss of appetite. It was one of the biggest symptoms I had when I first went on AD. I just could not stomach any food. But one of my 'hobbies' is healthy eating. I am really interested in raw food diets and plant based eating. I was vegan for a year but didn't stick it out. It is very low in fat and I don't think that helped my moods too much. I love to make 'raw' crackers and pizza's bases though, and top them with lots of yummy veggies. It's my 'nerdy' side I think. 

 

Yes, we have very long hot summers here in Perth. The hot weather has started early this year, its on October and it is already up to 34 degrees most days. It is lovely but you need air conditioning in your home and car otherwise it is very unpleasant. I do struggle in winter with lack of sun but I try to decorate my home in a warm and comforting style to suit the weather. I sometimes paint a wall a new colour just to brighten up the home for winter then paint it back to white for the summer!! I am a bit of an artist and the walls in my home are my canvas!!! I have heard that light therapy is good for those living in colder, darker climates. Have you tried that?

 

I loved 'The Stranglers' when I was younger! they were one of my favourite bands. I will listen to that song :-)

[freespirit]

Hi Mel,

 

To respond to your post on Ali's thread and the PM about Buddhism.

 

Buddhism is more than an interest for me--it was the central core of my life for 20 years. Through most of that time, I had a daily or twice daily practice, attended a lot of retreats, studied some of the original texts, did a lot of reading of Western teachers, listened to talks, etc. Just as a background, so you have some sense of where I'm coming from.

 

The thing about Buddhism that separates it from other "religions" (it's really more a psychology than a religion), is that it isn't based in beliefs. Everything is meant to be tried out for oneself. The Buddha repeatedly said things like "don't believe any teacher, even me, try it out for yourself". "Be a lamp unto yourself". The principles can only really be understood through direct experience.

 

Rather than trying to understand what he meant about suffering, look inside to see what's true for you. What increases suffering in your mind? What paths are there to more wholesome states of mind? What do you cling to? What do you push away?

 

Like anything, you will find on the internet, some real references and some things that are very inaccurate. You can't believe everything that you read...and in addition, each person has their own take, based on their own experiences. But if you really want to read, I'd suggest you seek out some well-respected scholars, monks, or teachers. Ajahn Sumedho is someone worthy of reading: http://www.tarabrach.com/mtti/AjahnSumedho-4NobleTruths.pdf

 

In my opinion, mindfulness has been taken out of context of the rest of the teachings in the way it's offered through some of the west. People have singled out that aspect as the important part, but there's really so much more. Mindfulness is touted as a fix or cure, and often neglects to include compassion...which from the Buddhist perspective, is like flying with only 1 wing of the bird. Mindfulness without compassion isn't truly mindfulness. Just being aware of something is sometimes enough, but when it comes to the tangles within us, it definitely isn't enough. If we can't meet our suffering with compassion, it only turns to more suffering..or at least, that's true for me, and for the people I've worked with in my life....

 

Though I don't formally practice in that way anymore, mindfulness hasn't left me. Interestingly, it's been through the suffering of grief and WD that some of the principles have become more clear to me. I understand causes and conditions in a way I never did before. I see choices that didn't exist for me prior..such as abandoning unwholesome states of mind or cultivating more wholesome ones. Doing mindful movement is more beneficial to me at the moment, and it has been through movement that some of the deeper insights have arisen. But without the years of Buddhist practice, perhaps qi gong would not have had the same impact. 

[brassmonkey]

Once you've lived by the "practices" they become ingrained and second nature. So you no longer practice them but instead you live them.  I have found this to be very true with many of the "practices" I have learned over the years, the ones that work for me have become a part of me and the others have fallen by the wayside. Mindfulness/compassion, being in the moment, being at one with nature, I don't have to think about, it just is.

 

The same goes for the techniques and attitudes that I espouse here.  Not fearing our symptoms, not expressing things in a negative manner, rolling with what ever happens, AAF, finding one beautiful thing every day.  At first we have to "practice" them, learn about how they work and feel and slowly over time they will become a part of our outlook on life (WD is but a small part of life) and we will have been changed for the better, and our lives will reflect that change.  It is a big part of the second chance we have all be granted and every one of us needs to take full advantage of it.

 

I'll go back to my mountain top now.

[AliG]

 Hi Mel,

 

How are you ?  Have you resolved the whole " Buddhist "  concept & ideas ?  Yet ?   I'm  hoping that you have , and can " enlighten" me  !   LOL. 

[melanie]

Hi Mel-  I couldn't help but notice this 

 

"Am toying with the idea of getting back to 2,5 mg Lexapro... But... have tried RI twice in the last two months... did not work." 

 

It can take up to two months or more for the first RI to have worked properly. It still might actually help to go back up to 2.5mg but you will have to give it a lot of time to settle in.  Because you've changed several times in the last couple of months your brain is very confused and will need some time to readjust.

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

Hi Tom,

 

How nice of you to have stopped by my thread and noticed this little self-destructive passage about "toying with the idea of RI from 1,25 mg to 2,5 mg". I tried it twice in the last two months, just did not work. Gave me huge anxiety, insomnia, akathisia, muscle stiffness/pain and a host of other symptoms. Lexapro just hasn't helped since the beginning of last September.

 

Everytime I find a fellow AA on this forum, I feel so much comfort and relief. You're the second AA I found...

 

Have been under a lot of pressure lately. I have an opportunity of starting a part-time job from home, but I'm still non functional. My strategy for the last 28 years has been to resort to pills when things get really tough. "I had a pill for every ill and I was sick a lot", as the saying goes.

 

If I waste this opportunity, everything's been wasted... Won't get it again. Haven't been able to work for the last 17 months, am on disability benefit. Used to work a full-time job for 9 yrs beforehand. Working was not just about money, which is indispensable of course.

Working was my life. I've always loved written translations and a written word. A good technical job. I have a chance to restart in that direction.

 

After almost two years of being off work and getting more and more desperate.

 

But I'm so scared I won't be able to do it. I have always been a perfectionist and believed pills would sort out every problem. Learning that it's OK to be "average" is a hard, time consuming process. Hard to change an ingrained thinking pattern, to switch to a different belief system. When all your belief system is organized around THE PILL. That's why I must get back on the Programme, at least read "Day by Day" reflections and "24 hrs a day". Read self-help books and stories of people here on SA who manage to function well without mind-altering substances. See flesh and blood people in AA meetings who do function without these substances.

 

I just want to get out of this viscious circle of false, self-delusive beliefs. Have my drive and motivation back. I feel that RI won't help me to achieve this, though of course I may be wrong. It's all so tough.

 

Pdoc is unconsciously co-operating with this forum, wants me to stay on 1,25 mg. Though he told me to unplug the internet when I told him about SA. I'm going to see him on Tuesday... as well as the therapist.

 

Every little window I get. When I look at my Kitty or the Nature, have some household chores done and feel I'm overcoming my being non-functional. Is so precious. Don't want to lose it...

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Mel

[melanie]

To all the beautiful souls who have stopped by my thread or wrote me PMs.

 

Thank you...

 

It means a lot... You're in my thoughts.

 

I'll get back to you, I promise. Now I really must go...

 

Can't help but writing long posts and English is not my native tongue.

 

Wish you lots of healing, be kind and compassionate to yourself.

 

Mel

[brassmonkey]

Hi Mel--  You have such a wonderful attitude, I love it.  One of the big lessons of WD is learning to  love and take care of ones self and making the needed changes to continue ones life that way.  We can't change all at once, but rather in a slow continuous process.  The major change is making the decision to do so.

 

I'd go for the job.  One of the other members here was in a similar situation a few months ago.  She was scared to death, but took a leap of faith, got the job and has been loving it ever since.  It hasn't been painless, but to see the improvements it her since it started are amazing.  A good friend on another forum worked at home as a technical translator throughout his WD and managed quite well.  He struggled with motivation and  cognitive issues some days, but took his time, set his own pace and worked through it.  He's fully recovered now and doing well.  I've worked as a technical and nontechnical writer for years and find it fascinating.

 

There are a lot of other AAs here, but for the most part the stay anonymous.  Alcohol problems tend to go hand in hand with AD use for a variety of reasons.

[melanie]

Hi Mel--  You have such a wonderful attitude, I love it.  One of the big lessons of WD is learning to  love and take care of ones self and making the needed changes to continue ones life that way.  We can't change all at once, but rather in a slow continuous process.  The major change is making the decision to do so.

 

I'd go for the job.  One of the other members here was in a similar situation a few months ago.  She was scared to death, but took a leap of faith, got the job and has been loving it ever since.  It hasn't been painless, but to see the improvements it her since it started are amazing.  A good friend on another forum worked at home as a technical translator throughout his WD and managed quite well.  He struggled with motivation and  cognitive issues some days, but took his time, set his own pace and worked through it.  He's fully recovered now and doing well.  I've worked as a technical and nontechnical writer for years and find it fascinating.

 

There are a lot of other AAs here, but for the most part the stay anonymous.  Alcohol problems tend to go hand in hand with AD use for a variety of reasons.

Thank you, Tom. It's one of the kindest things I heard on this forum. That my attitude is changing... Well, I'm working on it. This process is being so hard, though.

 

Anyway - "We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.", as Carlos Casteneda once said.

 

Pdoc and therapist also say to take this leap of faith. To give it a try...

 

One more quote I came along while thinking about this job issue. It's from one of my favourite authors, Blaise Pascal. Wrote a thesis on his "wager" (also involving a "leap of faith").

 

"Man finds nothing so intolerable as to be in a state of complete rest, without passions, without occupation, without diversion, without effort. Then he feels his nullity, loneliness, inadequacy, dependence, helplessness, emptiness." (Blaise Pascal "Pensees").

 

Sorry, but I love quotes.

 

Started reading your thread and will go back to you soon.

 

Wish you lots of healing,

Mel

[starburst]

Hi Mel, another quote for you that you may like. 

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. They sink because of the water that gets in them. 

 

I really love that because it gives me a visual picture in my mind of what is happening with me! Trying not to take in the water that surrounds me.

 

Mel it would be so good if you could take that job position. It sounds like such a positive proposition. Remember that you are the ship, you haven't sunk yet! that means that you are probably doing a pretty good job of keeping that water out of your boat. You certainly did a good job of helping me feel more positive in my own situation today. I think you are stronger than you realise. You have a good strong spirit and you are wise. 

 

I also noticed in your thread that you had a problem with spending more money than you earned at one stage. That is so me! It is the drugs for sure. I nearly lost my home because of my spending problem. Even last night when I was feeling bad I ended up on Yahoo Japan looking at dolls. Dolls were my hobby for such a long time because they distracted me and made me feel calm. But I spent too much money on them and got in to a lot of debt. I was so tempted to bid on one doll at $200. It wasn't as expensive as some I have bought in the past but still more money than I have to spend on something like that. I am so proud that I resisted and woke up this morning so thankful that I didn't begin the pattern of that behaviour again. I am still tempted but seem to be able to resist the temptation easier now. 

 

Take care my friend x

 

http://www.schuthok.nl/wp-content/uploads/cute-kitten-playing.jpg ( A cute kitten photo for you today)

[ChanceLucky]

Hi Melanie,

 

I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing OK. I read most of your thread, though I didn't get to all of it - I'm dealing with my own insomnia, anxiety, and more. I love quotes too. Those are some great ones that you posted. How/when will you know about the part time work from home?

[ang]

 

Hi Mel

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I hope you are okay! You have certainly had a rough ride. Thinking of you.

Hi Mel

Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I hope you are okay! You have certainly had a rough ride. Thinking of you.

Hello Cali,

 

Thanks for your beautiful epic post on your thread. And for thinking of me. The part about your dreams brought tears to my eyes. I really hope you will fulfill them in the future... And even if you don't get off all the drugs completely, it's important to have them reduced in a significant proportion. And to be on 1-2 drugs instead of 8.

 

But that's a very long tough journey ahead of you. I know you can make it cause you quit benzos in 2014. You're strong. You don't have the physical cravings any more, the interdose withdrawals.

 

I guess pdocs partially made you undergo this inhumane treatement with antipsychotycs to free you of benzos. Cause you unfortunately, just like me, have this potential for abuse. I underwent a similar treatment (though not so tough) in 2002 for 3 months. At home. Which allowed me to be benzo-free for 11 yrs. But the potential for med abuse runs in my family. I got my first Valium as a teen from my grandmother (now dead), father was on sleeping pills for his entire life.

 

And those 5 alpha receptors in the GABA system - they never forget the benzos...

 

Benzos are alluring, but bring so much pain - all the original disease symptoms come back with triple strength. They are not worth trying. Some people just don't have the potential for abuse, like we do. It's a disease, like alcoholism, and it's not our fault we have it. Even if we become sober. No one has the right to stigmatize those who take benzos, drink or do drugs. It's a disease. I learnt it through AA.

 

I was also thinking of you... How important it is you channelled your energy into something constructive, like writing, reading. According to Daniel Goleman, the author of "Emotional Intelligence". One of the most important things is having this "guiding awareness of your values and goals". Dreams are what will get us through. Action, persistence and perseverance in the face of adversity. One day at a time. Being here and now only. And taking these small steps towards a better future, our dreamed future.

 

I also used to write in my native tongue. Wrote a few poems. They lie safely in my drawer. I have a background in literature and in philosophy. It helped me to put into words my feelings about the fragility and passing of existence (especially my Kitty's), internal torment, tragedy that sometimes strikes you so unexpectedly in life. I was abused as a child and throughout my lifetime, wrote a lot about it. It was kind of therapeutic. What is your book about?

 

This site carries a lot of suffering but also a lot of hope. I don't come here often, but when I meet souls like you. I just feel compelled to write. Haven't yet had time to read many stories here...

 

I'm glad you stopped quarelling with your neighbors! Seems like you have a lot of energy... Benzos and SSRI withdrawal have pulled me to the ground completely, I'm drained of all energy. I never was an energetic person, but now it's just terrible. I'm just non functional. Only emotions are so intense, scary, overwhelming... They bring anxiety, OCD, insomnia...

 

You see, my pdoc didn't give me anything to taper benzos, I'm supposed to do it on my own... Last year, from March till September - we tried like 20 different meds and nothing worked. I had an adverse reaction to everything. The majority I flushed down the toilet, cause they gave me appetite. And I'm anorectic/bulimic on top of everything. The bulimia thing came with reducing the Lexapro.

 

Well, I also have some goals: 1) to take as many pictures of my beautiful Kitty as possible and have them sorted in paper albums; 2) to keep and to sort out my flat so it becomes a safe haven for me and Kitty - and not just this crazy mess; 3) to become functional and able to work part-time from home, while keeping my disability benefit; 4) to reduce the meds so they allow me to regain my lost functionality; 5) to stop self-harm stemming from childhood abuse; 6) to reunite with my ex-husband so that we continue together our journey towards sobriety.

 

Keep writing Cali. It may liberate you. Here's a part of poem about writing. By Wislawa Szymborska, English translation runs like that:

 

"THE JOY OF WRITING"

 

[... ] "Is there a world

where I rule absolutely on fate?

A time I bind with chains of signs?

An existence become endless at my bidding?

 

The joy of writing,

The power of preserving,

Revenge of a mortal hand."

 

The new photo of Cali is absolutely fantastic! My girl is rather plump, not thin like yours! I send her and her Mom lots of virtual hugs

You are in my thoughts Cali. Keep healing.

 

Mel

 

Mel, you are inspirational!  So many goals, and yes, they will come.  I am also on Disability, but after the worst 8 months of WD, I managed to find employment, as still now have part Disability Pension, so I feel I am useful, I have something I force myself to go to every day. I have been working 4 months now......... I also now have dreams for the future, but I also know they will not happen for at least another 12 months...... I am just so grateful to be able to be employed.             I hope one day to get a puppy, but at the present time, I have two very neglected cats, I can not even hug or pat them, that hopefully may return in another 12 months .... luckily I have a son still with me, who makes sure they get fed!   i used to love cuddling my pets......