KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

[KittenLePurr]

WOW that is incredible!! In my Klonipin withdrawal I was absolutely OBSESSIVE and 

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

As I was getting ready for bed I happened to mention to my husband my akathisia was really flaring up and had a restful plan in place in case I couldn’t sleep. At that point he asked if I took my Klonopin and I realized I hadn’t. I went to bed last night only having taken half my daily dose. I slept fine despite having some w/d from that.

 

So YES our minds are very powerful. If you think there’s a problem then there’s a problem. If you don’t then there’s no problem. This is how we create our reality. Although it took me a long time and a lot of work to get here. 

 

 I’m so happy you feel well enough to decrease, and have no doubt that you will be great!! I’m not good with the math part of this journey, my husband does all my cuts. I would run everything by Gridley.

 

Keep me posted, thanks for sharing❤️

WOW that's incredible! May I ask, what was your restful plan in case you couldn't sleep? I need one of those in place. Sometimes I'll get up and journal or watch soothing YouTube videos but other times, I'm so tired I can't bring myself to even leave the bed and I just lie there, grumpily wishing I could sleep. Not fun.

 

A little while ago I started getting really anxious again and ignoring my thoughts got harder. I did some tapping and went to the beach and sat with my feet in the water for 20 min, and those both helped tremendously, especially the beach, and now I just feel withdrawal-normal. Crazy how worked up I almost got. Bare feet on the earth is amazingly effective for me these days, so I'll keep doing that more often once the symptoms actually set in. Still can't wait to be where you're at and just let things be without being bothered though! ❤️ 

[Mia1]

So my goal is never sleep, I just focus on resting and being as relaxed and comfortable as I can. This helps me to fall asleep faster and then when I wake in the night it eliminates the anxious self talk of I’m never going to fall back asleep, I’m going to be so tired tomorrow, etc. because sleep is never my goal. And as a result I’m usually able to fall back asleep.

 

I put sleep sounds on at night, it’s very comforting to me. When I wake in the night, which is often, I’ll focus on the sounds. When thoughts come barreling in my head I shift the focus back to the sleep sounds. Sometimes I’ll focus on my breath and if I’m up for a while I’ll do a guided meditation, usually a body scan.

 

I NEVER get up and I NEVER go on the computer. For me, it’s very important that I rest. At least my body and mind are repairing to a degree by doing this. And I always fall back asleep by doing this.

 

The trick is you must REALLY be okay with not sleeping, it’s acceptance and it can’t be faked. But once you get there you are calm and at peace so there’s no problem. It’s ironic that all you have to do is accept something for it not to be a problem anymore but the accepting can feel insurmountable. Funny how that works.

 

I still get bothered by a lot of things, everyday. I can just usually come back to a place of peace a little easier. Maybe accept a little faster than I have in the past. It’s definitely a practice.

 

 I’m so happy you are managing the anxiety and other symptoms. Just remember you don’t necessarily want to ignore your thoughts, that’s resistance right? Let everything be as it is. Learn from the ocean, it doesn’t bother itself with waves. I’m really proud of all the work you have done, it’s inspiring 💪💗

[Artistic1]

@Mia1 

This is exactly what I did when I had terrible sleep patterns for two years. I quit trying to sleep. I accepted that my sleep was not good and made a goal of just resting. This works so well! With the reduction in my Zoloft over the past year and using this practice, my sleep is now almost back to normal. I did the same thing with my anxiety....just accepted it and didn't try to get rid of it or ignore it. Once I "welcomed" those anxiety attacks, they started to lose their power, and now I don't have them anymore. Just weird how the brain does that.

[Mia1]

@Artistic1 EXACTLY!! And on the nights I don’t sleep well at least I’m just a little tired and not totally miserable and anxious on top of it. I’m happy it’s working out for you.

[KittenLePurr]

On 7/23/2021 at 12:57 PM, Mia1 said:

I have the perfect story that illustrates your point. I forgot to take BOTH my Klonopin doses yesterday. I take.25 mg 2 X day. 

 

About mid afternoon I started experiencing intense dp/dr and thought that’s interesting. Went on with my day and kept focusing off my symptoms. By early evening I had so much brain activity I couldn’t have a clear thought and starting having anxious thoughts. I felt terror at one point. Again, I stepped back and thought I’m fine, whatever happens I’m always fine. I felt peace and enjoyed my evening.

 

As I was getting ready for bed I happened to mention to my husband my akathisia was really flaring up and had a restful plan in place in case I couldn’t sleep. At that point he asked if I took my Klonopin and I realized I hadn’t. I went to bed last night only having taken half my daily dose. I slept fine despite having some w/d from that.

 

So YES our minds are very powerful. If you think there’s a problem then there’s a problem. If you don’t then there’s no problem. This is how we create our reality. Although it took me a long time and a lot of work to get here. 

 

 I’m so happy you feel well enough to decrease, and have no doubt that you will be great!! I’m not good with the math part of this journey, my husband does all my cuts. I would run everything by Gridley.

 

Keep me posted, thanks for sharing❤️

Oops--I thought I replied to this already? Brain fog is kicking up, clearly...and that's ok.

 

This is SO incredible! If you don't think there's a problem, there's no problem. I can't wait to be at that level of acceptance...

 

Although, since I realized it was just my thoughts messing with me the other day and came to accept them and not take them so seriously, I had a really good and calm couple of days. Yesterday I got some work done and kind of couldn't believe I'd just done a decrease. I slept pretty well last night after struggling to fall asleep a bit--the breath OCD was quite pronounced as soon as I started meditating in bed and I had to focus really intently on my body, sounds, and the questions, "Why does it have to be scary/uncomfortable?" but I fell asleep within about 30 minutes--and I'm feeling balanced, peaceful, and really optimistic and connected to my Self this morning. The main symptoms I've noticing are increased brain fog and exhaustion...like, there's no way I'm doing any HIIT; just walking up the stairs is SO tiring! But I'm honestly kinda shocked this is going to smoothly and easefully so far...

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  

10 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

"Why does it have to be scary/uncomfortable?

I forgot about this saying.  I will have to use it a one of my daily montra's.  If your taper goes good I might try a sliver off of my Lex.   

You have a really good attitude  I think you will be fine😊 

How is the anxiety going?  I wish I was at the same acceptance as @Mia1 also.  I am learning taping.  It does seem to help

Have a good day❤️

[KittenLePurr]

On 7/23/2021 at 4:04 PM, Mia1 said:

So my goal is never sleep, I just focus on resting and being as relaxed and comfortable as I can. This helps me to fall asleep faster and then when I wake in the night it eliminates the anxious self talk of I’m never going to fall back asleep, I’m going to be so tired tomorrow, etc. because sleep is never my goal. And as a result I’m usually able to fall back asleep.

 

I put sleep sounds on at night, it’s very comforting to me. When I wake in the night, which is often, I’ll focus on the sounds. When thoughts come barreling in my head I shift the focus back to the sleep sounds. Sometimes I’ll focus on my breath and if I’m up for a while I’ll do a guided meditation, usually a body scan.

 

I NEVER get up and I NEVER go on the computer. For me, it’s very important that I rest. At least my body and mind are repairing to a degree by doing this. And I always fall back asleep by doing this.

 

The trick is you must REALLY be okay with not sleeping, it’s acceptance and it can’t be faked. But once you get there you are calm and at peace so there’s no problem. It’s ironic that all you have to do is accept something for it not to be a problem anymore but the accepting can feel insurmountable. Funny how that works.

It is so ironic that accepting something makes it cease to be an issue! Accepting lack of sleep is one thing that still feels pretty impossible to me but I'm going to work on it. It wasn't an issue last night because I didn't/don't have anything I have to do today but when I have work or even just obligations or promises I've made to get things done...there's so much terror and suffering involved. Such an inner tantrum that I absolutely cannot "perform" or function if I'm sleep-deprived. I've known it to be the case in the past where I hadn't slept so I couldn't think straight and therefore couldn't write or complete my work, so i have lots of evidence to support my case! How do I let that go? Just accept that if I can't think straight, I can't think straight and it won't kill me, right? If it happens, it happens.

 

 

On 7/23/2021 at 4:04 PM, Mia1 said:

 

I still get bothered by a lot of things, everyday. I can just usually come back to a place of peace a little easier. Maybe accept a little faster than I have in the past. It’s definitely a practice.

This also helps, to know you're still working on it and not perfect at it. It's not about perfection, right? Just practice.

On 7/23/2021 at 4:04 PM, Mia1 said:

 

 I’m so happy you are managing the anxiety and other symptoms. Just remember you don’t necessarily want to ignore your thoughts, that’s resistance right? Let everything be as it is. Learn from the ocean, it doesn’t bother itself with waves. I’m really proud of all the work you have done, it’s inspiring 💪💗

Thank you. I do get this confused still...ignoring vs accepting. And when I ignore, the thoughts and feelings do grow. But then in the moment I get unclear on how to let them be without getting involved and letting them get to me. It feels like it's complicated but I know it's really simple. Just be. But man, when the anxiety hits, it's hard...like I don't have a clue how to "just be." You know? And now I'm confusing myself...😵

 

I might've said this in another comment because I thought I hadn't responded to you the other day but just now realized I did respond, but can't see my newer comment 🤪 but after having some mild anxiety over breathing OCD while meditating in bed last night, I got a pretty good night's sleep and woke up feeling calm, grateful and hopeful albeit exhausted. Since then, I've had some of what I guess you'd call depression creep in and I'm feeling a little guilty for not wanting to go do things with my guy. I wasn't up for bodysurfing at the beach yesterday so I told him to go without me, and he did. And now he's doing laundry, running errands and wants to take the dog to the beach and I'm like "Please don't make me do anything I just want to lie down...." I often have this experience after reducing: I don't feel up for doing anything at all; I just want to take it easy and be left alone, and I feel guilty for that and worried other people will be upset with me...it's so interesting!! Bringing up codependency issues as well as people-pleasing issues. I'm grateful he's so laidback, patient and understanding.

 

Do you all feel like doing things is just an impossible feat sometimes, too?? I've been told that's actually my inner child not being integrated and still being in a trauma pattern from childhood, at least relating to my not wanting to work. But if it were just my child self not wanting to work, she would probably still want to go to the beach...I don't even want to do that. Nope I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. So that's what I'm doing today. Thank Spirit I can... Thanks for reading this ramble! ❤️ 

[KittenLePurr]

On 7/23/2021 at 4:17 PM, Artistic1 said:

@Mia1 

This is exactly what I did when I had terrible sleep patterns for two years. I quit trying to sleep. I accepted that my sleep was not good and made a goal of just resting. This works so well! With the reduction in my Zoloft over the past year and using this practice, my sleep is now almost back to normal. I did the same thing with my anxiety....just accepted it and didn't try to get rid of it or ignore it. Once I "welcomed" those anxiety attacks, they started to lose their power, and now I don't have them anymore. Just weird how the brain does that.

Wow this is so inspiring! Welcoming anxiety attacks...I'm working on this. Bravo on taming that dragon, so to speak  

[KittenLePurr]

58 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  

I forgot about this saying.  I will have to use it a one of my daily montra's.  If your taper goes good I might try a sliver off of my Lex.   

You have a really good attitude  I think you will be fine😊 

How is the anxiety going?  I wish I was at the same acceptance as @Mia1 also.  I am learning taping.  It does seem to help

Have a good day❤️

It's such a good saying, right?? So helpful. 

 

The anxiety hasn't been bad at all, amazingly. I almost feel like I'm doing something "wrong" because last time I reduced my dose I was a friggin nervous wreck--so what the hell is going on that I'm so calm this time?! It was accepting it, I think. And every time I've felt it start to come back I'm just like OK, these are thoughts. But it hasn't come back very much at all. Except for a little while ago, when I started thinking this moisturizer I just resumed using might be breaking me out, and so I might've wasted money on it, Lol... I started to get a little tense and obsessive and then I remembered these are just thoughts and I don't have to get freaked out over them. And I reminded myself I can stop using it if I want to! Mostly I'm just feeling zapped of energy and foggy. And a little blue. But not bad at all.

 

Love that you're learning tapping! It has literally save my life in a time of crisis before. I've thought I was going to have to go the emergency room for a panic attack or heart attack and then I tapped for 15 minutes and felt totally relaxed. It is a fantastic tool. Sometimes I feel too overwhelmed or panicked to find my center and be mindful and tapping just takes it down a couple notches.

 

I'm kinda blown away by how optimistic and confident I'm feeling this go around. Just need to keep it up. But talking with you all here is helping me SO MUCH!!! Thank you ❤️ If I can be calm after a decrease, I think anyone can. Because I've been absolutely owned by my anxiety in the past and it's just through these conversations and practice that I'm finally able to work with it. So don't give up. How are you feeling today?

[Mia1]

50 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've known it to be the case in the past where I hadn't slept so I couldn't think straight and therefore couldn't write or complete my work, so i have lots of evidence to support my case! How do I let that go? Just accept that if I can't think straight, I can't think straight and it won't kill me, right? If it happens, it happens.

I understand what you’re saying completely but I’m going to challenge you to think about this differently. So if you don’t sleep you’ll be a little tired and your mind may wander a little more easily but that’s it. If you truly accept it you don’t think about it and when you don’t think about it you’re creating so much space for creativity and feeling good, regardless what is happening.

 

And when you do this you retrain your brain into realizing that not sleeping is not something you need to worry about and because you’re not worrying about it you sleep fine. See how that works? It starts with the mind though, always. Deciding what you will or won’t worry about, that’s up to you. So make everything neutral, whether you have a lot to do or nothing to do. Know that everything will work out, it always does whether we worry about it or not. So break the habit of worry.

 

 It took me a about a year and a lot of suffering to get here though. I just didn’t want to suffer anymore, that’s what changed it for me. So no matter what happens to me in life if I can’t change it I will accept it, it’s the greatest self love I can offer myself. 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Thank you. I do get this confused still...ignoring vs accepting. And when I ignore, the thoughts and feelings do grow. But then in the moment I get unclear on how to let them be without getting involved and letting them get to me. It feels like it's complicated but I know it's really simple. Just be. But man, when the anxiety hits, it's hard...like I don't have a clue how to "just be." You know? And now I'm confusing myself...

When my brain gets flooded with anxiety my brain wants to frantically search for some solution to fix it so I’ll just remind myself, do nothing. As I go deeper into this I feel the nuances more. I bring myself back to the observer more and more. 

 

Ultimately though I think it’s like everything else I’ve overcome or am overcoming, take the fear out of it. Accept it in but don’t let it become who you are. 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Do you all feel like doing things is just an impossible feat sometimes, too?? I've been told that's actually my inner child not being integrated and still being in a trauma pattern from childhood, at least relating to my not wanting to work. But if it were just my child self not wanting to work, she would probably still want to go to the beach...I don't even want to do that. Nope I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. So that's what I'm doing today. Thank Spirit I can... Thanks for reading this ramble! ❤️ 

Yes, sometimes I just feel exhausted, it’s definitely w/d. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, taking care of ourselves and knowing our limitations. I’m glad your guy is supportive of you, it really makes the process easier!!

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

This also helps, to know you're still working on it and not perfect at it. It's not about perfection, right? Just practice.

VERY far from being perfect at it, I just keep learning and growing. I do find it gets easier though.

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm kinda blown away by how optimistic and confident I'm feeling this go around. Just need to keep it up. But talking with you all here is helping me SO MUCH!!! Thank you ❤️ If I can be calm after a decrease, I think anyone can. Because I've been absolutely owned by my anxiety in the past and it's just through these conversations and practice that I'm finally able to work with it.

I LOVE this, it’s an amazing example of all the progress you have made. Your strength is inspiring 💗💪🎉

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  How are you doing?😗  Feeling anything from the cut?  I am waiting to see how it goes for you.  Then I might get brave and do a tiny cut.😬

[KittenLePurr]

19 hours ago, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  How are you doing?😗  Feeling anything from the cut?  I am waiting to see how it goes for you.  Then I might get brave and do a tiny cut.😬

You are definitely brave enough! But listen to your body, not your mind.

 

I'm doing well. I've still been really tired, and the past 2 days, I've been a little grumpy. Which, at times, I've started to resist, because the feeling of assuredness, peace, gratitude and optimism I felt over the weekend was just so lovely, I started to miss it! And yesterday, I had some neuro emotions and got all enraged for a few minutes. I have some deep, fiery anger at some toxic people who worked in the leasing office at my last apartment, and man, did that get stirred up. Absolutely instantly when I saw they had emailed me. So that was intense. But then I remembered I don't have to do all that anymore. I actually did a meditation where I visualized my rage and fear as being separate from me, gave the feelings a color, a shape and embraced them next to me...that was really helpful and reminded me it's old programming and not who I am, so I can feel them but also witness. So that passed much more quickly than it used to and didn't wreck my day.

 

And I've done some work, done some writing, and out of the blue, I wrote a word from memory that I hadn't even thought of in years and I went, "Where did that come from? Did I even use 'impervious' correctly? What made me come up with that??" And I looked it up, and I had used it correctly and was so proud of myself, like, "My brain fog is clearing!! It's been a year since I finished tapering Klonipin and I'm ME again!" Lol. So I feel much clearer, even though I just reduced. My brain fog was WAY worse both when I was on Klonipin and when I was tapering it...so it makes sense it's starting to improve but I hadn't really noticed until yesterday, and I tend to still feel down about it...so I think by adopting an attitude of acceptance, the ideas are flowing  

 

So yeah, doing surprisingly well! I have had a few influxes of anxious thoughts but nothing as intense as I had right after I did the cut and realized my thoughts were the only thing making me panic that day and during previous cuts. So far, so good! I'm noticing thoughts that say, "Well since I'm doing so well, maybe next time I'll make a bigger cut!" and I'm telling my mind to slow its roll. I know that's not a good idea 😮 

 

 

[KittenLePurr]

I've been relying a lot on grounding too, putting my bare feet on the earth, and I think that's really helping, along with accepting whatever comes. I've always liked being outside with my feet on the ground but lately, if I'm feeling anxious, extra foggy, or even upset, if I don't feel like driving to the beach, I'll go downstairs and sit with my feet in the grass and within 5-10 minutes, it's like the fog/chaos starts to soften...like windshield wipers in the rain. Not a cure-all but definitely has been helping

[KittenLePurr]

On 7/25/2021 at 12:13 PM, Mia1 said:

I understand what you’re saying completely but I’m going to challenge you to think about this differently. So if you don’t sleep you’ll be a little tired and your mind may wander a little more easily but that’s it. If you truly accept it you don’t think about it and when you don’t think about it you’re creating so much space for creativity and feeling good, regardless what is happening.

 

And when you do this you retrain your brain into realizing that not sleeping is not something you need to worry about and because you’re not worrying about it you sleep fine. See how that works? It starts with the mind though, always. Deciding what you will or won’t worry about, that’s up to you. So make everything neutral, whether you have a lot to do or nothing to do. Know that everything will work out, it always does whether we worry about it or not. So break the habit of worry.

I love this. Thank you. Sleep is still such a tough area for me. Although, I've been reminding myself when I go to bed and the fear of insomnia starts to creep in that I don't have to care about it...but lately that's been because I didn't have a lot to do the next day. When I realize that, I relax about it, and I get to sleep fine- and I've actually been sleeping well. So when I have another bigger workday coming up, I'll need to really practice this, not caring either way. It makes so much sense that not caring about it would make it cease to be an issue though. So that's my assignment to myself, to really practice not caring either way and trust it's all going to be OK.

On 7/25/2021 at 12:13 PM, Mia1 said:

 

 It took me a about a year and a lot of suffering to get here though. I just didn’t want to suffer anymore, that’s what changed it for me. So no matter what happens to me in life if I can’t change it I will accept it, it’s the greatest self love I can offer myself. 

When my brain gets flooded with anxiety my brain wants to frantically search for some solution to fix it so I’ll just remind myself, do nothing. As I go deeper into this I feel the nuances more. I bring myself back to the observer more and more. 

Ultimately though I think it’s like everything else I’ve overcome or am overcoming, take the fear out of it. Accept it in but don’t let it become who you are. 

Right, frantically searching for some solution! I latch onto that soooo bad. But there's nothing to do. 

On 7/25/2021 at 12:13 PM, Mia1 said:

Yes, sometimes I just feel exhausted, it’s definitely w/d. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, taking care of ourselves and knowing our limitations. I’m glad your guy is supportive of you, it really makes the process easier!!

It makes sense. Our bodies are recovering, repairing, and that takes energy. I'm so grateful I'm in a position where I don't have to get up and go to a demanding, physical job...things could be so much more challenging! 😧 

 

And yeah, he's great. He was disappointed I didn't want to go to the beach, and for a moment, I let that destabilize me (I'm working on my codependency issues!) But that was helpful because I got to remember, in real time, that he can have his feelings, and they're about him, not me. But he's very understanding, even when disappointed. Another way I'm blessed!

 

[Greatful]

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

"My brain fog is clearing!!

That is a nice feeling.  When you can think, you can stay more focused and apply your new awareness tools  That is awesome.  There is so much to work on when we are trying to change how we think about things.  When your brain is so use to going in the direction that it has for the last zillion years, (okay so I am exaggerating)  changing the pathways in your brain take time and practice.  You are doing a great job♥️

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

 But that was helpful because I got to remember, in real time, that he can have his feelings, and they're about him, not me.

Thank you for sharing this example with me.  I am not sure that I ever looked at it in this way.  I would have had felt guilty that I  made him feel bad etc. ( of course that is mind reading also, how do I know what he is thinking) That I should put his needs before mine. I love it when you give me examples, it helps put these mind training exercises in better perspective.  Does that make sense?

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

.so I think by adopting an attitude of acceptance, the ideas are flowing  

I am still struggling with acceptance.  I keep trying, but goes against my nature.  I can start to see how it works, but then my old me takes over and fights, resistance.  I am working on it but it really hasn't taken a good hold yet.  I am starting to question myself, why am a so afraid or in fear.  Then I can usually soothe myself with I really don't have anything to fear.  Oh man this can get overwhelming at times.  So many things to work on, thoughts, acceptance, staying in the moment. Then your brain decides it wants to quite working right and all logic goes out the window. 

 

Please keep sharing your example on how your using your new skills for changing our brain pathways.😊

[Mia1]

3 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

"My brain fog is clearing!! It's been a year since I finished tapering Klonipin and I'm ME again!"

 You really are doing a great job with your healing, I’m so happy you are feeling the benefits emotionally and physically ❤️

[KittenLePurr]

 

18 hours ago, Greatful said:

Thank you for sharing this example with me.  I am not sure that I ever looked at it in this way.  I would have had felt guilty that I  made him feel bad etc. ( of course that is mind reading also, how do I know what he is thinking) That I should put his needs before mine. I love it when you give me examples, it helps put these mind training exercises in better perspective.  Does that make sense?

Totally. I'm obviously still practicing this and struggle with it frequently. But you said it: how do you know what he is thinking? I love what Byron Katie said about this in one of her books...something like, "Even if he's standing there, telling me he's angry at me, I can't positively know he's angry at me because there could be something else in there that's actually making him angry." I'm not in his mind, in his world, so I can't absolutely know...and anytime any of us have a feeling, it's really about us--not anyone else. Easy to say, harder to fully embody. Baby steps. Old habits die hard.

18 hours ago, Greatful said:

 

I am still struggling with acceptance.  I keep trying, but goes against my nature.  I can start to see how it works, but then my old me takes over and fights, resistance.  I am working on it but it really hasn't taken a good hold yet.  I am starting to question myself, why am a so afraid or in fear.  Then I can usually soothe myself with I really don't have anything to fear.  Oh man this can get overwhelming at times.  So many things to work on, thoughts, acceptance, staying in the moment. Then your brain decides it wants to quite working right and all logic goes out the window. 

Yes, I hear you. SO much to work on...it can feel like too much, especially when I'm feeling the anxiety because like @Mia1 has said it tries to convince us we have to do something, so all these ideas spin around in my head like "What do I do?!" But realizing there's nothing to do...that's helpful for me.

 

Although today, I'm feeling even a little grumpier than I have the past couple days, and I think I'm resisting it because it's making me kind of upset... I'm just grateful I don't have any pressing work to do right now because even the thought of unloading the dishwasher  makes me tense up all over, like I have gears grinding in my gut and my body's screaming, "NOOOOOO!!!! I don't want to!" Lol. Wonder what that's about...? So I'm kinda wondering what to do with that...and trying to remember just to accept the resistance. Although I don't know if I know what that feels like? Peace, right? So i'm not there yet...

 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

and anytime any of us have a feeling, it's really about us--

Absolutely true, and it’s freeing to know this and be able to practice it. To choose how you will respond in any given moment.

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I think I'm resisting it because it's making me kind of upset..

It always comes down to this, resistance. I had an understanding today of what mindfulness is and I think it may be helpful to share. During meditation we connect with who we really are, the awareness that simply observes our thoughts, emotions and environment without judgement. We are learning how to just “be” ourselves.

 

You continue to do this throughout the day with mindfulness, connecting with awareness. You take a step back and observe whatever is happening in the moment. You invite any feelings or thoughts in, they are part of the moment. You don’t do anything to try to change the moment, you simply observe it. So if you’re feeling anxiety or grumpiness you acknowledge it and allow it in your space to heal. You are not anxiety or grumpiness, rather you are the observer of these feelings. You don’t have a conversation with it or try to stop having the feeling. You observe what the feelings are like in your body, what thoughts it may be bringing up. You let it stay until it passes on it’s own. This is how you grow the space and heal.

 

Look at it like you are the parent (your true self) and the thoughts and feelings (ego, inner child, programming) are the child. You are redefining your relationship with it. It’s not something to be scared of, it’s not something you need to change. Remember everything is neutral and thoughts and feelings will automatically change as you allow the thoughts and feelings in to heal. 

 

This is the practice of meditation, allowing yourself to just observe what is happening without judgement. Mindfulness is the practice outside meditation where you become your true self in everyday life. When you do this you are creating new neuro pathways where it will start to become automatic, who you really are versus the program. And when everything is truly neutral, when feeling happy becomes no different then feeling anxious, that they are both just emotions you observe, then you are free. There is nothing in this world that can touch you anymore. You are restored back to your true self.

 

The healing meditation I shared with you and @Greatful a while back has also helped me tremendously with getting here, just practicing being neutral. 

 

I’m happy that you’re doing so well with your decrease, your hard work has paid off!!❤️

[Greatful]

@Mia1  That sounds wonderful.  I think I am going to have to copy and paste so I can go over it and over it.  It is really heavy for my poor scrambled brain to comprehend.  I am sure that I am over thinking it because it sounds so complex. 

10 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

You continue to do this throughout the day with mindfulness, connecting with awareness. You take a step back and observe whatever is happening in the moment. You invite any feelings or thoughts in, they are part of the moment.

I don't want to invite my thoughts in.  This is what mine would say   Well I am sitting on the computer again and how productive is that.   What else did I do today, not much.  Worthlessness.

HELP  I am just at the point of recognizing that I am putting the "value" of what is productive, and seeing that I have a distorted definition of what being productive is.  So I think I am at 1st. base😞 at this retaining the mind  and you are heading into home base☺️  I am also realizing that I am doing a lot of mind reading of what I think other people are thinking.  I am taking baby steps to get to 2nd base 😞 I am trying, so you and KLP keep throwing out examples so my scrabbled brain can catch on faster........

 

I do agree that meditation is helping to foster the movement to staying in the moment and not engaging in my thought as much during the day.🤪  Yeah 

 

[Mia1]

15 minutes ago, Greatful said:

I don't want to invite my thoughts in.  This is what mine would say   Well I am sitting on the computer again and how productive is that.   What else did I do today, not much.  Worthlessness.

Remember @Greatful you are not your thoughts, you are the observer of thoughts. And remember when you try to push thoughts away you create resistance and as we know that’s what creates suffering. So you change the relationship through meditation and mindfulness.

 

You take a step back and say “ I notice feelings of unworthiness and judgement are back, please come in my space so I can heal you.” You then focus on what it feels like. Where is it in your body, what does it feel like, what is it trying to tell you? Over time you won’t need the prompts, you’ll just intuitively do this. And if you feel attached to the thoughts then simply observe that. Keep creating the space.

 

So your true self is the parent who steps back and observes the feelings of unworthiness and judgement, which are your old programming. By allowing unworthiness and judgement in to heal you change the program. 

 

Remember, you’re not having a conversation with it, you’re allowing it into your awareness. It’s your awareness that will heal it. Let it stay, it will naturally lose its energetic charge and go away if you don’t react. Over time it won’t come back at all!!

 

It’s a practice for sure though, so keep doing the meditation and try this out. You will continue to create the space that will make this easier. You actually have really great awareness and are well on your way!!💗

[Greatful]

@Mia1  I am confused,   I know we are suppose to acknowledge our thoughts, not engage with them, then I thought we were suppose to  redirect and refocus and on something else. This has been helpful for me to stop the battle with my thoughts.

 

 Now you are saying sometimes we focus on them?    I am trying to use cognitive thinking, looking at the cognitive distortions to re direct my thoughts from neg to positive or common sense thinking.  So maybe I use the cognitive distortion thinking when I am healing, but then I am engaging with them.  UGH   Some how we have to combine both mindfulness and cognitive thinking?

How do we heal.  Are feelings are not always telling us the truth.  Cognitive distortions can create feelings that lie to us.  Even our thoughts lie to us.   I was just talking to my therapist this week and we started talking about thoughts etc.  I did not know that our emotions (Not the physical emotion but some sort neuro reaction) hit us first then our thoughts.  Something  in the brain set off emotions faster then our thoughts.  I think she is talking from a neuro response emotion then the thoughts follow.  I don't know I told her she lost me when she was trying to explain it.  It was at the end of my appt. so we had to let it go

 

Sorry it probably is easier then I am making it out to be.  Be patient with me🤪

There is so much that I have to unlearn and relearn.

 

 

[Mia1]

2 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Mia1  I am confused,   I know we are suppose to acknowledge our thoughts, not engage with them, then I thought we were suppose to  redirect and refocus and on something else. This has been helpful for me to stop the battle with my thoughts.

Yes, I see how this is confusing. So in the beginning when I didn’t have enough space to be able to stand back and observe the thoughts and feelings without identifying with them I found that acknowledging and redirecting worked best for me. Refocusing is a great tool.

 

Since I have been meditating consistently for a while now and doing mindfulness throughout the day I found that I have created enough space to let very “intense” thoughts and feelings in because I can observe them as if they are happening at a distance. I do not get as caught up in it. Because of this I find that the healing is accelerating and that feelings are starting to feel neutral, it’s not just a concept.

6 minutes ago, Greatful said:

Some how we have to combine both mindfulness and cognitive thinking?

So what I would suggest is you continue to do what you are doing since it’s working for you. I would just have three 15 minute meditations throughout the day where you intentionally focus on your thoughts and feelings and practice what I wrote.  Don’t force thoughts or feelings just observe your mind with detachment and compassion. This will increase your tolerance to “painful “ thoughts and feelings and create space. You will still be healing and as you continue this practice you will gain the confidence to do this in everyday life. It’s such a great skill to have, to be able to look at everything objectively.

 

14 minutes ago, Greatful said:

Sorry it probably is easier then I am making it out to be.  Be patient with me🤪

There is so much that I have to unlearn and relearn.

You’re doing great and you really have an understanding for this stuff. I get really excited and I always want to share with you guys what I feel is healing me, we really are in this together. I’m unlearning a lot myself!!💗

 

10 minutes ago, Greatful said:

How do we heal.  Are feelings are not always telling us the truth. 

You’re right, our thoughts and feelings don’t always tell the truth. So we heal by allowing them in and observing them until they go away. Remember, we’re not having a conversation with them, we’re just observing them to see what they are saying. We are making out unconscious programming conscious.

[Mia1]

Hi KLP, wanted to check in and see how you’re doing with the taper, everything still good?

[KittenLePurr]

On 8/3/2021 at 10:46 AM, Mia1 said:

Hi KLP, wanted to check in and see how you’re doing with the taper, everything still good?

Hey, thank you for checking on me ❤️ I've been really good, actually! Sleeping ok and not too anxious or anything. A little tense at times and just meditating and being mindful a lot. I'm remembering more often not to get lost in thoughts/feelings and start suffering and I've actually been feeling really calm and really, really grateful.

 

Today's been a little more challenging, and I was so exhausted after stressing over a sort of test project all day long that I lay down to meditate and nap and somehow woke up more anxious and really grumpy. Not too worried about it. I may just not finish this project...it's a video and I am not a videographer, lol. I don't even know why I agreed to do it. Probably because I'm passionate about the subject, which is how I healed my body through nutrition and lifestyle practices--it's a lifestyle piece for this citizen journalism site. But man...I couldn't even get through more than like 2 sentences of my story without having to stop and look at my notes. Damn brain fog 😕 So I'm a little stressed. I hate pushing deadlines and letting people down but I'm also trying something new, and I'm proud of myself for that.

 

But yeah, it's been pretty smooth. I saw an energy healer the other day and released quite a bit of old, stuck "I'm bad" type energy, too, and that's helped lighten me up quite a bit. Been wanting to see a healer for a long, long time, and this guy did not disappoint. 

 

My healer asked if I'd heard of NAD therapy and he sent me some info--have y'all heard of it? I'm super skeptical...it's supposedly a sublingual or intravenous rapid detox with "zero withdrawal." I don't really know that "zero withdrawal" is possible?! And it's also super expensive, so I'm not signing up for it just yet. I keep meaning to do my own research on it. Obviously it sounds intriguing but also highly unlikely.

 

How are y'all doing?? I'm really enjoying meditation lately. I used to haaate it, by the way--way back when. But the longer I do it, the yummier it gets. 

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  

That is  great that things are going so well. You sound chipper.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm really enjoying meditation lately.

I find that I am liking it to.  Not only meditation, but how it is helping to slow the brain down during the day.  At least being able to stop the spiral down that happens when you brain starts speeding up.  Say hey wait a minute.....Slow my thoughts down, slow what I am doing down. Calm................

Sometimes I get so sleepy when I meditate.  I really like the  @Mia1 gave us Healing chronic pain.  I switch the pain up,  if I am feeling depressed that is my pain for the day, anxiety, panic etc.  I am trying something different,  color code my , depression, anxiety, etc. so when I am feeling this during the day I will visualize in my mind a black blob/circle in front of me and tell myself that is depression and it is not me.  Trying to separate it from myself.  It is kind of funny what we will come up with to deal and find acceptance. 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm proud of myself for that.

 

You should be proud😊  You are growing with leaps and bounds.

[Mia1]

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Probably because I'm passionate about the subject, which is how I healed my body through nutrition and lifestyle practices--

If you do complete it I would LOVE to see it!!

 

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

But yeah, it's been pretty smooth. I saw an energy healer the other day and released quite a bit of old, stuck "I'm bad" type energy, too, and that's helped lighten me up quite a bit. Been wanting to see a healer for a long, long time, and this guy did not disappoint.

If you don’t mind sharing I would love to hear how he helped you release this energy. What is his method? 

 

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

My healer asked if I'd heard of NAD therapy and he sent me some info--have y'all heard of it? I'm super skeptical...it's supposedly a sublingual or intravenous rapid detox with "zero withdrawal."

I haven’t heard of it but I would also be skeptical of anything that offered instant results. 

 

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been really good, actually! Sleeping ok and not too anxious

This is really great news, I’m happy you are doing so well💗💪

[KittenLePurr]

12 hours ago, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  

That is  great that things are going so well. You sound chipper.

I find that I am liking it to.  Not only meditation, but how it is helping to slow the brain down during the day.  At least being able to stop the spiral down that happens when you brain starts speeding up.  Say hey wait a minute.....Slow my thoughts down, slow what I am doing down. Calm................

Sometimes I get so sleepy when I meditate.  I really like the  @Mia1 gave us Healing chronic pain.  I switch the pain up,  if I am feeling depressed that is my pain for the day, anxiety, panic etc.  I am trying something different,  color code my , depression, anxiety, etc. so when I am feeling this during the day I will visualize in my mind a black blob/circle in front of me and tell myself that is depression and it is not me.  Trying to separate it from myself.  It is kind of funny what we will come up with to deal and find acceptance. 

That's awesome! I did a meditation last week in which I imagined my emotions had a certain color or shape, maybe I told y'all that already...but it really helped me detach from them. That's great you're doing that, too. And yes, slowing the thoughts down so they're not as all-consuming. 

12 hours ago, Greatful said:

You should be proud😊  You are growing with leaps and bounds.

Thank you so much, and same for you! This is hard work but it does get easier. ❤️

[KittenLePurr]

2 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

If you do complete it I would LOVE to see it!!

I keep going back and forth. And it's stirring up a whole bunch of stuff. I feel SO CRINGEY watching myself on camera!!! Which I know is self-judgement, and I don't appear to others the same way I appear to myself. I'm much less self-critical than I used to be but it's still super cringey. I feel so awkward on film I don't know what to do so a kind of persona takes over and I detach--basically the same thing as my social anxiety. Steven, my healer definitely helped with that but obviously it's going to take more than one session to get to the bottom of it! So, I don't know.

2 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

 

If you don’t mind sharing I would love to hear how he helped you release this energy. What is his method? 

Of course! And I can give y'all his website too. (Not an affiliate thing; I just really like him!) He does sliding scale, too, which was a big reason I booked with him. Other healers cost a LOT more so he's obviously interested in helping people. https://energyreality.com/master-healer-steven-lumiere/

 

So we talked and started off by meditating a bit to tap into my energy. Which stirred up my skepticism but everything he suggested was spot on--basically that I believe deep down that I'm "bad." Then, mostly what he did was have me breathe in and out really deeply and envision the "I'm bad" energy of myself and my family members coming into my body from above my head while I inhaled and leaving my body up and out through my head when I exhaled. He asked me questions over and over like, "Who is it that thinks they're bad? And when? And why?" And I realized it's not just that I learned to believe that I was "bad" when I was little, when my sister outperformed me, I felt inadequate and my parents called me "the bad seed" when I got into trouble in high school...but that I have stored within myself my parents' beliefs that they are "bad." That's all residing in my energy field. We all have other people's energy stuck within us--inherited trauma that's not even ours! I knew trauma gets in our DNA but hadn't thought of it like energy we had stored and could release. Doing the deep breathing made me a little high from being over-oxygenated but paired with the visualization really made me feel like I was shooing all that stuck energy out.

 

And then we anchored in positive energy when he asked questions like, "What is it like to feel confident?" and "What is it like to be authentically awkward?" (We were working on my social anxiety which feels more like a social phobia.) It was intense but really, really good. And it's kinda crazy because even a couple years ago, I totally dismissed this kind of healing work because I'm a skeptic and it seems too simple to be effective. But the older I get and the more I turn away from Western medicine and heal my body, the more woo woo I get.   I'm definitely doing more work with him and exploring energy healing more.

2 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

 

I haven’t heard of it but I would also be skeptical of anything that offered instant results. 

I know, right? Usually, if it sounds too good to be true, it is. So, I don't know. It's like $1400 anyway so not really an option for me right now.

2 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

 

This is really great news, I’m happy you are doing so well💗💪

Thank you, and thank you again for your support. I wouldn't be in this calm of a space if not for our conversations. No way!

 

I've been meaning to ask you something about witnessing thoughts...sometimes as soon as I start to witness them without attachment, they immediately quiet down. Like when I turn my attention to them, they're gone. And then I think "Oh ****, I'm resisting them!" Kind of like when I turn my attention to my breath, my breathing immediately changes...although the noticing my thoughts and seeing them disappear isn't nearly as anxiety provoking, obviously. But it feels confusing, like I don't actually know how to simply witness--only change/stifle/resist/ignore. I don't know. I know it's all for my growth so worrying about it isn't necessary but I definitely want to be better at this before more intense withdrawal symptoms arise. Still kind of expecting that to happen at any moment, even though it's been almost 2 weeks now and I'm pretty sure I'll be balanced until my next decrease.

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  lol I bet I got the idea from you.  🤪

 

So I guess I will say Thank You♥️

[KittenLePurr]

1 minute ago, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  lol I bet I got the idea from you.  🤪

 

So I guess I will say Thank You♥️

Lol you're putting it into practice though! These conversations keep me sane and grounded, so thank you, too ❤️ 

[Mia1]

That’s interesting work you’re doing with the healer, I’m happy it’s helping you. I have this guided meditation that does something similar in terms of releasing the old energy, it’s really powerful stuff. 

 

When you witness a thought with true detachment it automatically goes away because thoughts need your energy to keep them alive. So when you have the thought “I’m resisting them” that is also just a thought but one that you have attached to. Next time you have that thought just observe it. It may provoke other anxiety producing thoughts such as “what do I do now” or “how do I do this.” Just keep observing without attachment or judgement until it goes.

 

The whole point of meditation is to simply connect with awareness, observe objectively what is happening in our mind. We then carry this into our day with mindfulness. So remember you don’t actually do anything, you just get good at observing what is happening in the moment without getting caught up in the mind. It can feel confusing because we’re observing our old programs which are just habits and habits can be hard to break.

 

Something I’ve been working on is letting myself be. Just letting everything happen without trying to change it. I’m currently back in a wave so it has been helping me to be at peace. It’s also helping me with unconditional self acceptance.

 

Hope that helps explain it!!

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  

 

Has anyone ever heard of DNRS?

 

 Read nomorelex   thread he  contributes a lot of his w/d healing through DNRS  The website, retrainingthebrain.com, 

 Techniques used in the Dynamic Neural Retraining System™ are based on neuroplasticity therapy, which rewires the limbic system to build more functional neural pathways.

This might fall into more of the category of what mia1 practicing.

 

Healing the brain is a lot of work and it is slowwww.   I guess we have ingrained the unhealthy thinking for so long it is no wonder that it is a work in progress.

[KittenLePurr]

22 hours ago, Mia1 said:

That’s interesting work you’re doing with the healer, I’m happy it’s helping you. I have this guided meditation that does something similar in terms of releasing the old energy, it’s really powerful stuff. 

I truly never thought that would make a difference but it REALLY DOES!! If all this junk is stored as energy--which I now believe it is--then of course it makes a difference to simply notice and release it. It's interesting timing because my oldest friend is coming to visit me for my birthday this weekend, and when she first suggested it, I felt this overwhelming fear and sense of dread and my whole body was screaming, "NOOOOOOO!!" because of my social phobia. After I did the energy work, that dread disappeared. I'm still a little nervous I'll feel awkward but I also know that's just a thought, and with some of that old "I'm bad" energy released, it's not painful. It'll probably still be a little stressful but I'm actually kind of excited now. She's a great friend and super supportive of my healing work and does her own healing work, so it'll be good.

 

Not to be obnoxious or anything...I have a voice that shames me for telling people it's my b-day, like I'm demanding to be wished a happy b-day.😕 But I'm kind of excited to celebrate another year on this plane and be 36. It's been a great decade so far, even when it's been challenging, because freedom and finding myself has been a BEAUTIFUL thing. Feeling really positive.

22 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

When you witness a thought with true detachment it automatically goes away because thoughts need your energy to keep them alive. So when you have the thought “I’m resisting them” that is also just a thought but one that you have attached to. Next time you have that thought just observe it. It may provoke other anxiety producing thoughts such as “what do I do now” or “how do I do this.” Just keep observing without attachment or judgement until it goes.

 

The whole point of meditation is to simply connect with awareness, observe objectively what is happening in our mind. We then carry this into our day with mindfulness. So remember you don’t actually do anything, you just get good at observing what is happening in the moment without getting caught up in the mind. It can feel confusing because we’re observing our old programs which are just habits and habits can be hard to break.

 

Something I’ve been working on is letting myself be. Just letting everything happen without trying to change it. I’m currently back in a wave so it has been helping me to be at peace. It’s also helping me with unconditional self acceptance.

 

Hope that helps explain it!!

Thank you--yes that's helpful. I fall prey to the attaching and going "What do I do now?! Am I doing it wrong???" thing a lot. I think because my mind is so analytical. Like, everything has to be analyzed to death. It drives me NUTS. So, just don't give them my energy. I'll be practicing this a lot this weekend. I haven't had guests stay over at my place aside from my man's parents when we moved in YEARS, and when his parents stayed, I barely saw them because my man and I drove the 3 hours back to Austin 3 times in 1 weekend, lol. But it'll be good. Thank you ❤️ 

[Mia1]

23 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

Not to be obnoxious or anything...I have a voice that shames me for telling people it's my b-day, like I'm demanding to be wished a happy b-day.😕 But I'm kind of excited to celebrate another year on this plane and be 36. It's been a great decade so far, even when it's been challenging, because freedom and finding myself has been a BEAUTIFUL thing. Feeling really positive.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🎈🎂🎉🎁 you should be super proud of yourself, you’re amazing and it’s only going to keep getting better. I’m really proud of you ❤️

 

23 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I fall prey to the attaching and going "What do I do now?! Am I doing it wrong???" thing a lot. I think because my mind is so analytical. Like, everything has to be analyzed to death. It drives me NUTS. So, just don't give them my energy.

I think this is common for people with trauma, analyzing everything to protect ourselves. So by observing with our awareness and not our mind we take the energy away automatically. It requires no thoughts or prompts, it just is. Don’t try to do anything, just be fully present and engaged with your awareness in the moment. Let the thoughts and feelings pass through you without attachment. I honestly think this is it, there’s nothing else. 

[Greatful]

  @KittenLePurr

Happy Birthday🎉  Yes You should be recognized!  You are a beautiful and unique person‼️

We all are.  But you are extra special today♥️ 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I fall prey to the attaching and going "What do I do now?! Am I doing it wrong???" thing a lot. I think because my mind is so analytical. Like, everything has to be analyzed to death

I couldn't have said it better.  I have to figure out or understand things.  I can get so deep and analytical too.  Like right now I am trying to so hard to figure out life.  What is life, I am trying to visualize what I think life should be.  It's like I have to have everything in it's place.  Wow it's just coming to me..... I do all this just to feel safe.  So all this crazy thinking, trying to control everything is because I just want to feel safe. Sharing our pain and thoughts really do help. By expressing and getting them out it sheds light on things.

 

@Mia1 and KLP  You two have so much insight, strength, energy to move ahead and heal.  I am forever grateful that you have taken me into your fold.  I have to worn you that all my distorted and unhealthy pathways in my brain are pretty ingrained. You are gently pulling me forward and out of my shell.

 

I am learning all my anger, jealousy, negative thinking is not me. It is a frustrated and scared person.  So when I feel threated in anyway, this comes out.

 

I know deep down I am a compassionate, kind person and I just want to be content and happy.  Thank you for helping me  learn how to get there.