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KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)


KittenLePurr

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KittenLePurr

Thank y'all for the birthday wishes!! It was a really great birthday. Ate great food, swam and got sun. Lots of pain and anxiety came up when my oldest friend was here, of course, and that was challenging. I had to constantly remind myself to witness the thoughts and feelings without attaching to them and it was HARD. I could not just relax, all weekend long. Until I drank some wine with her and that quieted the constant buzzing tension and "What do I say? What do I do with my hands??" Lol. Surprisingly I didn't really "pay" for drinking the wine by feeling bad...I was exhausted the next day but I didn't get panicky or anything. Any anxiety that kicked up felt manageable. So that was a relief. But yeah, still have SO much work to do with social anxiety. It was really, really intense. But I'm glad she came. She's a great friend and we reconnected. And I got to practice my mindfulness and surrender! Big time.

 

The past few days have been really calm. I was so pleasantly surprised and intent on accepting any anxiety, I totally forgot that I needed to refill my Celexa script and put it off til the last second, and then the pharmacies in town were backed up so I missed my dose yesterday. Whoops!!! I got it in time to take it before bed but at that point thought I might as well just wait and take my regular dose this morning, so that's what I did. I was worried I wouldn't sleep all day yesterday but as the day went on, I realized it didn't matter and I'd be fine either way, and I ended up sleeping perfectly fine last night!! Got like 7 hours. Felt a little queazy and extra foggy upon waking, and I have a touch of derealization, but not bad. I'm really kind of shocked I haven't felt worse. Still feeling a little weird this morning. I assume it'll take a couple days to get back to my w/d normal and I'm surprisingly not worried about it.

 

I mean, when I first realized I was out of Celexa and might not get it yesterday, I freaked a little bit. And I got all frustrated with the pharmacy. Especially when hours later, they still hadn't even started filling it. I feel like that particular pharmacy doesn't do anything unless I harass them, which is annoying and would normally send me into a rage while I'm in withdrawal but when the frustration got really intense, I was like "Ok, there's that frustration, worry and rage again," and I did some tapping and remembered I don't have to "be angry" even if i feel anger and circular thinking popping up. I was really proud of myself!

 

Anyway, checking in to say I feel kinda funky but I'm hangin in and it's not that bad. I anticipated it being much worse before remembering I don't have to suffer--that suffering is a choice. I haven't always felt able to make that choice, but lately I do. THANK GOODNESS!! Thanks to y'all, @Mia1 and @Greatful I'm feeling calm, supported, and surprisingly clear and happy. Even though I'm a little tired, grumpy and spastic! ❤️ Really tired, actually. I should do some yoga but I'm having trouble getting moving...might just stretch and put my feet in the grass. I do have some work to do today. Luckily I'm not too overcome with fog.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

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KittenLePurr, here. Thank you so much for maintaining this site and for welcoming me here❤️   I was put on psych meds as a child, at age 12. I'm still working through a lot of anger around t

I would hold another month to play it safe.  You seem pretty stabilized regarding the Celexa, but the methadone dose change 3 weeks ago gives me pause and leads me to recommend holding.  It can't hurt

I'm the same way.  I have to work on it continuously.

  • Mentor
Greatful

@KittenLePurr  That sounds great.  I am glad things are going well for you

Keep up the good work☺️

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin 2016  ended back on 2016  Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  through 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  Trazadone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16 ct

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 200mg. Omega 3 , Melatonin L Theanine 

Lexapro 2021/01/09 4.90mg  05/09  4.75mg

 

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I’m so happy you are doing so well. You put a lot of work into your recovery, you deserve this. Like @Greatfulsaid, keep up the good work 💗

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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Hi KLP I wanted to share with you this self compassion video that I found very helpful. It has a great 10 minute practice at the end. 

 

 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
On 8/16/2021 at 8:24 AM, Mia1 said:

Hi KLP I wanted to share with you this self compassion video that I found very helpful. It has a great 10 minute practice at the end. 

 

 

This was awesome! Thank you ❤️ And what a great practice I can practice anytime. Great reminder to focus on the sensations in the body, too, rather than the fear/thoughts. Been having a lot of spinning thoughts the past few days again after I felt pretty clear and not bothered for a couple days. It's so insidious because a lot of times, I don't even realize I'm caught up in anxious thinking until I'm deep in it and super tense and sometimes even talking about it, thinking aloud to my man, and he's saying, "It's gonna be ok. You're spinning out" and I'm like, "Oh ****, I totally am!" 

 

Man, I've had a busy week!! Feels like I haven't gotten on here in forever. I had a fair amount of work this week, the most I've had in a long, long time. And it's mostly felt doable...although I still always have at least a brief period of throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "I don't know!" no matter what I'm trying to write. I've heard that's not uncommon. Haven't gotten paid yet so I'm struggling a little with fearing it won't add up to enough money and worrying about how to tell clients I'm increasing my rates. That dang anxiety is truly insidious. I feel like as time goes on, I'll feel it out and when the time is right, I'll figure out what to say...but worrying just comes so naturally at this point😱😵🤪

 

I'm also a little nervous because my man's parents are coming to visit this weekend and on top of my social trauma stuff, his mom basically lives in a perpetual state of fear. 😕 She's very sweet and not in-your-face about it but it can be a little crazy-making! I'm telling myself I don't have to be affected by anything she says or does and just really trying to keep contact with my super calm, peaceful, true self. Kinda like sitting with fearful thoughts...let them come and go, show them love, don't get caught up or destabilized by them, right??😄 Wish me luck. Hoping it's not too awkward/stressful. It's only for 2 days, 1 night, so.

 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

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  • Mentor
Greatful

@KittenLePurr

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Been having a lot of spinning thoughts the past few days again after I felt pretty clear and not bothered for a couple days.

A little wave maybe?   But you are on top on it and knowing what you need to do.  I have been up and down.  In and out of common sense thinking and then my inner child part of the brain

taking over.  Sadly the inner child part of the brain (distorted thinking , fear blah, blah, blah) is the first to arrive.😵  But at least we are recognizing this is happening and can redirect the way the train is going.  Fork in the road.🙄   

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Man, I've had a busy week!! Feels like I haven't gotten on here in forever. I had a fair amount of work this week, the most I've had in a long, long time.

This is great. You were so about getting work and paying the bills.  You are right in telling your self you will cross that bridge when you need too.☺️

How is the brain working with trying to concentrate?

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm also a little nervous because my man's parents are coming to visit this weekend and on top of my social trauma stuff,

I sure can relate to this.  My granddaughter is getting Baptized this Sunday at church.  The in-laws will be there and I don't know how many other family members from both sides.

I am going to the Baptism but not sure about the lunch get together after words. 

 

Some good Exposer/Response training, Right

New saying for OCD  Don't feed the monster.  He will just keep getting bigger and bigger. Hungrier and hungrier.

 

Man this WD gets in the way.  Life changer both good and bad.😢😊  Bad with the WD and Good with it forcing us to heal the inner child.  

 

We will have to connect after the weekend......

Talk soon❤️

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin 2016  ended back on 2016  Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  through 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  Trazadone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16 ct

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 200mg. Omega 3 , Melatonin L Theanine 

Lexapro 2021/01/09 4.90mg  05/09  4.75mg

 

Link to post

Hi @KittenLePurrI’m so happy you liked the video, she has a couple other ones on YouTube that are worth checking out. That’s great you’re busy, seems like a good sign you’re doing well!! How’d  it go with the in-laws?

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr

 

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

This is great. You were so about getting work and paying the bills.  You are right in telling your self you will cross that bridge when you need too.☺️

How is the brain working with trying to concentrate?

Thank you! It's been a challenge...but it didn't feel as challenging last week. I was definitely in a window and the weekend with the in-laws went pretty well because of it. Then I ate something I shouldn't have and kinda "went down," and focusing got way harder. It's like I have an idea and then a few seconds go by and it's almost as if I'm watching that idea melt from my mind into dust and then it's gone. So frustrating!! Working has been a lot more challenging again the past few days. I think once I recover from whatever my body's going through, it'll feel more doable again. Thankfully, I've still been able to complete everything I've been working on and it just took way longer and didn't feel good. Trying to remember I can still do it, and it's ok.

 

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

 

I sure can relate to this.  My granddaughter is getting Baptized this Sunday at church.  The in-laws will be there and I don't know how many other family members from both sides.

I am going to the Baptism but not sure about the lunch get together after words. 

How did it go with your family? Socializing is such a challenge for me!! I noticed though that I wasn't nearly as anxious with my in-laws-to-be here than with my friend here, which was super interesting. I'm still not sure what that's about, other than the fact I've been around the in-laws more over recent years. I just reconnected with my friend in January after 10 years on separate paths, and I've seen her like twice. Still, it was kinda strange. Need to inquire into that some more.

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

 

Some good Exposer/Response training, Right

New saying for OCD  Don't feed the monster.  He will just keep getting bigger and bigger. Hungrier and hungrier.

 

Yes!! SO TRUE.

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

Man this WD gets in the way.  Life changer both good and bad.😢😊  Bad with the WD and Good with it forcing us to heal the inner child.  

It is weird right? It's made me so grateful and yet it is so, so hard. I'm still catching up on here, how are you feeling now?

 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

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KittenLePurr
On 8/22/2021 at 5:17 PM, Mia1 said:

Hi @KittenLePurrI’m so happy you liked the video, she has a couple other ones on YouTube that are worth checking out. That’s great you’re busy, seems like a good sign you’re doing well!! How’d  it go with the in-laws?

Thank you, I'll check her out some more. :) I have been doing well, and working actually felt kind of good! And then when my in-laws-to-be were here, I ate some things I shouldn't have and things got harder again! I am so damn sensitive. It wasn't a bad visit, though...I didn't actually feel that anxious, and my man got everyone to steer clear of current events topics we all disagree on! I was worried I'd be triggered and outraged the whole time, and I wasn't...although, after the first night, I did get triggered just because his parents can be kind of glum and just..I don't know. I get antsy and bored! And frustrated that they're being such downers🤷‍♀️ I feel sad for them. They're grouchy and snap at each other a lot. But yeah, it wasn't that bad. And yeah, it's so interesting to me I wasn't overwhelmed with fear the way I was when my friend came to visit! Really different experience. Maybe because they kind of do their own thing anyway and aren't looking to me for what to do.

 

How are you feeling?? ❤️ 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

 I have been doing well, and working actually felt kind of good!

That’s great news!!

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And frustrated that they're being such downers

What helps me is to view another person’s negative behavior as pain. So whether they are angry or grumpy I see that they are expressing their pain that way in that moment. 

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And yeah, it's so interesting to me I wasn't overwhelmed with fear the way I was when my friend came to visit! Really different experience. Maybe because they kind of do their own thing anyway and aren't looking to me for what to do.

I think you’re right, probably because you see them more often. And what’s also coming up to me is that you don’t have to “perform” for them, does that make sense?

 

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

How are you feeling??

I’m feeling excited because I’m truly at a point where I’m okay with everything and I’m not lost in the story of my mind. I feel peaceful and hopeful and I’m re-engaging with life. I can honestly say that I’m fearless, especially of fear. I have worked so hard for this 🙏

 

How is your taper going?

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

What helps me is to view another person’s negative behavior as pain. So whether they are angry or grumpy I see that they are expressing their pain that way in that moment. 

So true. An old coach of mine said this, I'm remembering now, that "negative people" are hurt people. They're clearly hurt and in pain. It really does make me sad for them. I have to remember that when I feel like going to the place of, "Stop bringing me down!" and wanting to say something to attempt to "fix" them. There's almost an arrogance in my wanting to fix them, too, I think. Not that I'm an arrogant person in general but there's a fine line there between wanting to help and wanting to show some kind of spiritual superiority, I think?? Compassion and empathy is the way.

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

I think you’re right, probably because you see them more often. And what’s also coming up to me is that you don’t have to “perform” for them, does that make sense?

Totally, 100%. I do feel like I have to perform for my friends, as much as I want to make that wrong because "I shouldn't have to," right? It really is easier to be around people who are just going about their business, turning on the TV, not like trying to connect with me! ...Even though in a way I do enjoy a friend's company more but then end up not enjoying their company more because it's painful/stressful. 

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

I’m feeling excited because I’m truly at a point where I’m okay with everything and I’m not lost in the story of my mind. I feel peaceful and hopeful and I’m re-engaging with life. I can honestly say that I’m fearless, especially of fear. I have worked so hard for this 🙏

You have worked hard for this and it is amazing!!!! I'm so proud and inspired by you! You've achieved something monumental that so many people long for their whole lives. ❤️ I feel like I've been on my way there to peace too but then the past couple days, it almost feels like I "forgot how to do it??" as in how to be the peaceful witness...which I know isn't really a thing and is just another series of thoughts. But knowing you've reached peace and are re-engaging with life reminds me to just keep practicing. Way to go and thank you! ❤️ 

 

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

 

How is your taper going?

Really, really slowly but ok. I haven't lowered my dose any more since a few weeks back and I keep being ready to but then postponing it. Which feels a little frustrating since I want to get it done already (!! ha!) but I'm doing ok with it, I think. I feel like I'm playing with a puzzle, trying to fit in the 4 days I typically feel completely wiped out and need to just lie in bed after a decrease between projects and obligations. I'm still really scared I won't be able to work or function in acute w/d and will fail at projects, etc. and something bad will happen. Even though, last time, on the 3rd or 4th day after decreasing, I was doing my writing and was pretty much ok. It's still better to wait until I feel balanced and as though I can breathe and relax than to rush it, right? Even though I know and am practicing embodying the fact that I am not my thoughts and those thoughts can't harm me? I'm still kind of recovering from being under the weather yesterday, so it's also probably better to hold off on decreasing until next week for that reason. Going to see how I feel on Tuesday or Wed, I think. The thoughts that want to hurry up and be done already are just thoughts, too, and don't have to mean anything... :) 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

"I shouldn't have to," right? It really is easier to be around people who are just going about their business, turning on the TV, not like trying to connect with me! ...Even though in a way I do enjoy a friend's company more but then end up not enjoying their company more because it's painful/stressful. 

For me, I think this has to do with feeling like I’m going to be judged. In the past it would be like a performance unless I was really comfortable with that person and saw them often. As I learn to let go of self judgement I find that it is easier to connect with people because I’m not concerned what they think, I can just be me. And ultimately how people view me says more about them then it ever will about me.

 

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

You have worked hard for this and it is amazing!!!! I'm so proud and inspired by you! You've achieved something monumental that so many people long for their whole lives. ❤️ 

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

 

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

It's still better to wait until I feel balanced and as though I can breathe and relax than to rush it, right?

There’s certainly no rush, do it at a pace that is good for you. The important part is you’re moving in the right direction and will ultimately get there. You’re doing great!! It’s good to catch up with you💗

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
On 8/27/2021 at 4:00 PM, Mia1 said:

For me, I think this has to do with feeling like I’m going to be judged. In the past it would be like a performance unless I was really comfortable with that person and saw them often. As I learn to let go of self judgement I find that it is easier to connect with people because I’m not concerned what they think, I can just be me. And ultimately how people view me says more about them then it ever will about me.
 

That's totally it: fear of being judged. And so that explains why once I've spent more time around people, the constant fear and paralysis subsides. I stopped feeling super awkward all the time around my fiance after we'd been living together for a couple of months; that's always how it goes. I'll relax around my partner but not until we've been together for a while. And I've spent a fair amount of time with his parents, although not very often. I haven't spent much time with my friend in years.

 

It is ultimately about them, not us...and I know that, but the fear is just so deeply engrained. It's definitely improving, though, with my inner work. I'm glad you're seeing that, too. It is totally about letting go of self-judgment and also knowing who we are and feeling comfortable in that, I think.

Quote

There’s certainly no rush, do it at a pace that is good for you. The important part is you’re moving in the right direction and will ultimately get there. You’re doing great!! It’s good to catch up with you💗

Thank you ❤️ Great to catch up with you too! Yes, moving in the right direction. I waited a bit since I wasn't feeling all that great and was definitely detoxing from some dairy and things I ate the past week up until yesterday, when I realized I'd been feeling great for a little over 12 hours thanks to some extra detox measures like hot yoga! And I wasn't feeling fearful about cutting my dose again at all so I went ahead and did a decrease. Usually the fear kicks in soon after or even right away and it's a huge challenge but that didn't happen this time. I was so rooted in my knowing that I am ok and all is well, I just carried on with my day. It's been kind of incredible! I did feel extra foggy in the afternoon and evening but I kind of didn't care. I finished my work pretty early on, with some struggle to focus but not too bad.

 

This morning, while I was grounding on the grass, I finally got my first wave of anxiety and I put my hand on my heart, breathed deeply and went deeper into the fear like you previously talked about. It felt really, really intense and scary!! But I was ok because I knew it would pass. Thank you for suggesting that. While I was still deep in it, I suddenly heard my kitty crying from the patio upstairs so it kinda snapped me out of it and I ran up to let him inside the apartment and ate an apple and felt fine. Now I'm just fatigued but I'm ok. Although I got another work assignment and I'm having a lot of trouble focusing so I'm a little concerned I won't be able to get it done. 😕 Not sure how to get around that. It's so hard. Stupid brain fog. My inner child just wants to lie around and watch videos. This email I have to format isn't going out until Sunday so at least I have some time and it doesn't require much actual writing, so that's good! I'll be fine, right?? 😃 

 

The brain fog makes is so difficult to figure out how to dose. I had a hell of a time with it yesterday morning. Calculating the new dose is easy but figuring out how to dose that weird-ass amount is really, really hard and makes my head want to explode. I didn't get it quite right but I got sick of guessing and just went with it. Need to figure out what to do about that because as I get lower, I'll have to make extra, extra certain I'm not doing bigger cuts than 10% so I don't hurt my nervous system, right?? Not going to worry about that right this second, though.

 

I'm essentially officially halfway done now. Just over 10 mg. Original dose was 20. :) I'm so glad I paused for so long because these decreases aren't nearly as torturous as they were when I first started a couple years back!! Wish me luck! No, wish me calm... :) 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

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KittenLePurr

...And the taper isn't nearly as torturous because of the conversations we've been having, @Mia1 and @Greatful!! Your support means EVERYTHING.  @Mia1 I can't thank you enough for helping me understand how to be mindful, be with fear, and be the river. Like, I'd been hearing about mindfulness forever and meditating for a few years but it all didn't, like, click until now. Legit you've saved my life and made this actually possible. ❤️ I'm concerned that it's only this doable because I'm still only halfway done and know the more acute w/d will only last a few days...still have fear that down the line, once I get lower, it'll be too much. Everything in time, right?

 

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

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  • Mentor
1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I finally got my first wave of anxiety and I put my hand on my heart, breathed deeply and went deeper into the fear like you previously talked about. It felt really, really intense and scary!! But I was ok

What would do or were would we be with out @Mia1 holding our hands  us we walk through the maze of WD and healing our hearts. 

I had a similar experience this morning,, I was struggling with some D/R and anxiety which lead to some panic.  I remember Mia saying "these are only sensations in your body". They can't do anything to you, and with the d/r I told myself your are here even if you feel half in reality you are here.  The more you try and connect 100% it will only cause you more panic and frustration.   As she says we have a brain injury.  This is what is causing all the disfunction and crazy thoughts. 

 

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Calculating the new dose is easy but figuring out how to dose that weird-ass amount is really, really hard and makes my head want to explode.

Are you crushing or cutting?  How much are you dropping?  I have started  2% cut and I am scared, so pass me some of you confidence my way😉

 

It was nice to hear from you. ❤️

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin 2016  ended back on 2016  Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  through 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  Trazadone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16 ct

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 200mg. Omega 3 , Melatonin L Theanine 

Lexapro 2021/01/09 4.90mg  05/09  4.75mg

 

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KittenLePurr
1 hour ago, Greatful said:

What would do or were would we be with out @Mia1 holding our hands  us we walk through the maze of WD and healing our hearts. 

I had a similar experience this morning,, I was struggling with some D/R and anxiety which lead to some panic.  I remember Mia saying "these are only sensations in your body". They can't do anything to you, and with the d/r I told myself your are here even if you feel half in reality you are here.  The more you try and connect 100% it will only cause you more panic and frustration.   As she says we have a brain injury.  This is what is causing all the disfunction and crazy thoughts. 

I KNOW!! Thank goodness we all met on here ❤️ Good for you for detaching! Literally it's a brain injury and thankfully, it will heal. But in the meantime we have to not get swept up by these thoughts and feelings.

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

 

Are you crushing or cutting?  How much are you dropping?  I have started  2% cut and I am scared, so pass me some of you confidence my way😉

I'm diluting. I've been taking a 10mg pill and diluting half a pill (so 5mg) in 40ml of water. So I diluted in 80ml of water this time and took away almost all of it. I think I'm at 10.2mg. Tempted to just stop the .2 so I can enjoy not doing a dilution for a while...so much easier! So wait, you cut off part of the pill? With a razor? I know some people have scales and weigh the pills but I don't know. I used a liquid dilution to taper off Klonipin so I just stuck with that but this is way more complicated. I didn't do any calculations for the Klonipin taper; I just diluted 0.35mg in 200ml water and removed 1ml a day. Way easier. Although even then, the brain fog got so bad, I lost count a lot and had to put the dilution back in the jar REPEATEDLY. But at least it wasn't math...🤨🤔😵😖

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

 

It was nice to hear from you. ❤️

 

Good to be here. I keep meaning to get on more. Seems like even though I'm still barely working, my days go by too fast. I know there's a limiting belief to be healed in there somewhere..

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr

@Greatful Also, you got this. You're doing so well!! It's so hard to detach. D/r has freaked me out really, really intensely more times than I can count, and it still can if it gets super intense but like you said, remembering it's just a sensation and that while I feel weird, it doesn't have to be terrifying is life-changing. Not at all easy, but life-changing, and you're doing it. :) Way to go!

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post

@KittenLePurr @Greatful thank you  both for your kind words, it really means a lot to me. I’m happy we are all  on this journey together, we are all learning and growing together. 

 

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

 I'm concerned that it's only this doable because I'm still only halfway done and know the more acute w/d will only last a few days...still have fear that down the line, once I get lower, it'll be too much. Everything in time, right?

I don’t believe this at all. You have cultivated such awareness and fearlessness and these things do not go away. I’m so so proud you are down to half, that’s incredible. You totally have this and we’ll be with you every step of the way 🎉💖

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
21 hours ago, Mia1 said:

@KittenLePurr @Greatful thank you  both for your kind words, it really means a lot to me. I’m happy we are all  on this journey together, we are all learning and growing together. 

 

I don’t believe this at all. You have cultivated such awareness and fearlessness and these things do not go away. I’m so so proud you are down to half, that’s incredible. You totally have this and we’ll be with you every step of the way 🎉💖

Thank you ❤️ I so appreciate you! 

 

I'm lying in bed wearing noise-cancelling headphones this afternoon, managing the w/d...the on-edge-ness finally kicked in and there are roofers banging loudly on my building right now, really loudly and making me feel jumpy!! Still manageable though.

 

Starting to have some neuro emotions though...I nearly started yelling at my fiance earlier because I felt like he wasn't validating my feelings but really I was kind of trying to blame him for something relatively small. Took me a minute but I realized I was just getting a wave of intense anger. It was so fiery though. And i still feel kinda guilty for getting so defensive and frustrated so quickly. I haven't been angry at him like that in months and months and it's so good to know what that is now because when I first started tapering in 2019, it happened all the time and I became convinced he didn't respect me and I needed to believe my thoughts and make him take responsibility for things...so crazy! We've been through a lot lol. Kinda concerns me that it's happening like that again. I didn't get all martyr-y on him and start demanding he act differently like I did back then today though. So, progress.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
KittenLePurr

Hey everyone, checking in. My last cut went fine, and I was so, so proud of myself for letting the anxiety be what it was. Then that faded and the insidious anxious thinking loops came, and I dealt with those well. And then the depression hit. And it hasn't lifted. I haven't felt this depressed in years. It feels so weird...it doesn't feel like me or my life anymore, so it's kind of jarring and really disruptive. And it's making me think about things in a really dark, obscured way, and the thoughts that say no one cares, everything is pointless, blah blah blah are really loud.

 

I've been too depressed to do much of anything, including get on here, even though I knew talking to y'all would help. It's almost like I'd rather wallow. I haven't wanted to reach out to my friends or anyone. Just been kinda hiding. It's like I'm upset that I'm alone but I don't want to let anyone near me. Very familiar thinking/behavior but it feel so foreign now.

 

I did manage to have an intimidating conversation with my freelance clients (asked for a raise!) through this but it didn't go the way I'd hoped, and now I'm depressed about that and terrified I made things awkward because it's not just a typical client/writer relationship; it's a company I've done some really deep healing work with, so personal stuff, and one of them was my coach, and it's not all about money, so getting a no feels kind of like rejection?? I realize that's my story and not the truth but damn. I feel so ashamed and hopeless. Not giving up though. I'm really grateful to not have much work at the moment so I can just feel my feelings and bake myself some honey nut bars...they cure almost everything (but not really though. But they are delicious comfort food😛😋)

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
  • Mentor

@KittenLePurr  I guess I should have read this post before answering you on mine.  I am going to repeat here that you are an inspiration with all that you have been through and the strength, determination you have to keep getting back up......❤️

 

I Know that it is a struggle right now but you have the skills to  help you manage each day.

You will weather this storm and make it to the next window.❤️

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin 2016  ended back on 2016  Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  through 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  Trazadone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/16 ct

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg   5/16  5mg

 5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   Magnesium glycinate 200mg. Omega 3 , Melatonin L Theanine 

Lexapro 2021/01/09 4.90mg  05/09  4.75mg

 

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15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

so proud of myself for letting the anxiety be what it was. Then that faded and the insidious anxious thinking loops came, and I dealt with those well. And then the depression hit. And it hasn't lifted.

You should be proud, you’ve been doing some really good work. It sounds like you are really mastering anxiety, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this. Remember, depression is no different from anxiety. It’s just a series of thoughts and feelings that we can choose to follow or let go, as hard as that may seem. And sometimes it seems like the hardest thing there is to do.

 

I had a similar situation with neuro anger. I found because of the work I had done with anxiety that it was no longer an issue for me but I was on a hair trigger with my anger. The pull was so strong it felt like I had no control. I had to go back to the basics and use what I had learned on anger just as I had on anxiety.

 

We recognize what is happening, we accept it and then we let it go. If it wants to stick around that’s fine too, just remember to observe what is happening with your awareness. You are not depression, this is an experience you are observing. It’s a familiar habit you can break today by choosing not to attach to the thoughts or feelings.

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I did manage to have an intimidating conversation with my freelance clients (asked for a raise!) through this but it didn't go the way I'd hoped, and now I'm depressed about that and terrified I made things awkward because it's not just a typical client/writer relationship;

 

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I realize that's my story and not the truth but damn. I feel so ashamed and hopeless.

Even though the relationship is unique the bottom line is that you are still a professional person getting paid for rendered services. If you asked for a raise you felt you deserved it and I have no doubt that you did. 

 

They may not have had the money to give you, who knows. I believe that the universe is always giving us the lessons we need. So maybe this was more about learning your value and not allowing the outcome to define who you are. Only you get to define who you are KLP. Are you the amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because you value yourself and know your worth or are you the uncertain person who deserves to feel ashamed because how dare you take a risk? 

16 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Not giving up though

I would expect nothing less from you, you are an incredible person who has so much to offer. There is nothing you can’t do so never forget that and never forget how powerful you really are!! 💪💗

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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KittenLePurr
On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

You should be proud, you’ve been doing some really good work. It sounds like you are really mastering anxiety, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this. Remember, depression is no different from anxiety. It’s just a series of thoughts and feelings that we can choose to follow or let go, as hard as that may seem. And sometimes it seems like the hardest thing there is to do.

Thank you--I realized you're right; this is no different, and yet it feels so much harder to master. Not that I've mastered anxiety 100%, 100% of the time...in fact, it feels like when I first decrease my dose, I know it's going to affect me so I'm ready and totally on top of it and so the thoughts and feelings don't have power over me, and then, a few days later, once the initial, more acute symptoms fade, I'm less on top of it, so the circular thinking can catch me off guard and sweep me up. So it's harder when I feel better in a way because I'm not as at the ready, which is really interesting! And that's when I can really start to resist it, too, and so I feel like I'm frustrated and at odds with myself. But I've been coping with that pretty well and just continually remembering to accept whatever is present and be present.

 

But I've practiced so much with anxiety, it's like I didn't know how to apply the same principles to depression because it's been so long since I've felt depressed so it caught me totally off-guard. I keep reminding myself to detach from the depressed/depressing, hopeless, or self-deprecating thoughts. But I keep feeling bummed about and frustrated with how glum and exhausted I feel. But you're right; it's just thoughts and feelings still. And then my anxious thoughts come in, like, "You're wasting your day! Time is of the essence! You don't have time to sit around and be depressed; you've got stuff to do, blah blah blah" and what I realize then is none of that really matters. I do have some things I need to do, sure. But this pressure I put on myself to hurry up and get everything done as fast as possible is really unnecessary. It's been liberating to realize that those are just thoughts, too, and I'm already doing exactly what I need to: healing and taking good care of myself.

 

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

 

I had a similar situation with neuro anger. I found because of the work I had done with anxiety that it was no longer an issue for me but I was on a hair trigger with my anger. The pull was so strong it felt like I had no control. I had to go back to the basics and use what I had learned on anger just as I had on anxiety.

 

We recognize what is happening, we accept it and then we let it go. If it wants to stick around that’s fine too, just remember to observe what is happening with your awareness. You are not depression, this is an experience you are observing. It’s a familiar habit you can break today by choosing not to attach to the thoughts or feelings.

That makes sense. Like with your neuro anger, I've had some irritability that's been pulling me really hard. It's been a real struggle not to snap at my fiancé for little things and go into this place of frustration and being triggered over basically nothing. You're right, it's all just learned behaviors.

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

Even though the relationship is unique the bottom line is that you are still a professional person getting paid for rendered services. If you asked for a raise you felt you deserved it and I have no doubt that you did. 

 

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

 

They may not have had the money to give you, who knows. I believe that the universe is always giving us the lessons we need. So maybe this was more about learning your value and not allowing the outcome to define who you are. Only you get to define who you are KLP. Are you the amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because you value yourself and know your worth or are you the uncertain person who deserves to feel ashamed because how dare you take a risk? 

I would expect nothing less from you, you are an incredible person who has so much to offer. There is nothing you can’t do so never forget that and never forget how powerful you really are!! 💪💗

Thank you, that is true. It took A LOT of courage to ask them, and I'm struggling with some regret now because I got a reply yesterday that was even less like what I'd been hoping for... Basically, to make a long story short, it seems that my asking for a raise led them to reexamine their business expenses/structure and now they're considering doing their own writing instead of paying me to do it!  😕  So I may have gotten myself let go, the thought of which sucks and fills me with sadness and regret--but it's not definite yet. So I'm just reminding myself again and again not to get ahead of myself. 

 

Thank you; I am an amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because I value myself and know my worth. I am very much worthy of great pay and great work. The thing is, I really love the work I've been doing and feel so fortunate to have been able to learn and write about things I'm deeply passionate about...so I would be heartbroken to not get to do it anymore☹️ And yet, I know if they can't compensate me well for it, I'm better off going elsewhere. Because I do know my worth. It feels so complicated. I'm struggling not to dwell on it. It feels so familiar, like, "See I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth! It always blows up in my face. I need to keep my mouth shut and my head down." But I know that's not true and it's just fear and trauma talking, and there have been plenty of times I spoke up and ot didn't backfire. That voice is just so loud.

 

I'm going to do some journaling and healing work on these feelings and beliefs today after I do some yoga. Gotta get out of my head and into my body a little bit. Definitely a lesson to stay in the moment, stay connected to my self, my inner knowing and my inner peace, and maybe a lesson to resist the urge to zero in on only one avenue, stay open, stay receptive, keep looking for opportunities and keep exploring my options. I did kind of hunker down on this and close off to other options. I really loved it though. I wish I could just do what I've been doing and have that be enough to make me self-sufficient.

 

Blarrrggghhhhh. Thanks for listening and for your support. I know there's something in this for me. It just feels like a loss right now.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr
On 9/13/2021 at 6:25 PM, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  I guess I should have read this post before answering you on mine.  I am going to repeat here that you are an inspiration with all that you have been through and the strength, determination you have to keep getting back up......❤️

 

I Know that it is a struggle right now but you have the skills to  help you manage each day.

You will weather this storm and make it to the next window.❤️

 

Thank you, @Greatful❤️ The next window is coming. Just trying to weather the storm...btw a tropical storm was predicted to hit my hometown pretty badly over the past few days, with flooding and even a hurricane watch...and we've barely had any rain at all, it's been sunny, bright, and warm, and all is well. I feel like there's some significance in that, like even when it feels like it's the absolute worst, it's never quiet as bad as we think it is? As long as we use the tools in our healing toolkits.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I keep reminding myself to detach from the depressed/depressing, hopeless, or self-deprecating thoughts. But I keep feeling bummed about and frustrated with how glum and exhausted I feel

Lately I have been just observing what’s been going on in my mind when things start to feel hectic or chaotic. I just let it be without trying to change it or judge it. Whatever thoughts or feelings come up I simply observe it with my awareness. This has been a great practice in total self acceptance. 

 

When I first started this journey I always felt I had to do something to change the way I felt. I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel a certain way. Because I’m now able to accept myself exactly as I am I have eliminated so much anxiety and confusion. It literally doesn’t matter what is happening in my brain or body, I know I’m okay and I feel peace.

 

This was scary for me to do at first because it felt like if I didn’t do something like distract or self soothe then it was going to last forever or I was going to make it worse somehow. But if you just keep observing what is happening and allow it to happen the mental noise dies down fairly quickly and each time you’re able to do this it gets a little easier. It’s the only tool I really use now and I guess you could call it the ultimate acceptance. And the ultimate freedom.

6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Basically, to make a long story short, it seems that my asking for a raise led them to reexamine their business expenses/structure and now they're considering doing their own writing instead of paying me to do it! 

 

6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And yet, I know if they can't compensate me well for it, I'm better off going elsewhere. Because I do know my worth. It feels so complicated. I'm struggling not to dwell on it.

I know how painful it can feel when we’re in the middle of it and how hard it can be to see all the amazing things that are in store for us. It’s like standing too close to a painting and you can’t really tell what it is but if you back up a little you can see the whole picture. And the whole picture is always so much better than the little piece we’re looking at.

 

Keep up the good work, you’re doing such a remarkable job. I’m always here for you ❤️

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

Link to post
KittenLePurr
On 9/15/2021 at 6:12 PM, Mia1 said:

Lately I have been just observing what’s been going on in my mind when things start to feel hectic or chaotic. I just let it be without trying to change it or judge it. Whatever thoughts or feelings come up I simply observe it with my awareness. This has been a great practice in total self acceptance. 

 

When I first started this journey I always felt I had to do something to change the way I felt. I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel a certain way. Because I’m now able to accept myself exactly as I am I have eliminated so much anxiety and confusion. It literally doesn’t matter what is happening in my brain or body, I know I’m okay and I feel peace.

 

This was scary for me to do at first because it felt like if I didn’t do something like distract or self soothe then it was going to last forever or I was going to make it worse somehow. But if you just keep observing what is happening and allow it to happen the mental noise dies down fairly quickly and each time you’re able to do this it gets a little easier. It’s the only tool I really use now and I guess you could call it the ultimate acceptance. And the ultimate freedom.

That's my thing, too, I think: it feels like if I don't self-soothe, it will last forever or get worse. And I got really good at self-soothing over the past couple years, so it wasn't a huge deal some of the time, since I knew exactly what to do! But even then, I'm doing something to try and change it, and if I'm still disturbed or whatever, that fear persists. 

 

Ultimate acceptance is the ultimate freedom. You're my inspiration to get there. I kept that in mind and let myself just be sad and low the past couple of days, and I've been gradually feeling much better. I stopped pressuring myself to be productive so I could just feel and be present. I'm really glad I did. Although that fear about not having found more work is in the background, I know it's just noise and I'm ok. Always am! Just gotta keep remembering that.

On 9/15/2021 at 6:12 PM, Mia1 said:

 

I know how painful it can feel when we’re in the middle of it and how hard it can be to see all the amazing things that are in store for us. It’s like standing too close to a painting and you can’t really tell what it is but if you back up a little you can see the whole picture. And the whole picture is always so much better than the little piece we’re looking at.

 

Keep up the good work, you’re doing such a remarkable job. I’m always here for you ❤️

Thank you, @Mia1❤️ What a fantastic analogy! I did some extensive journaling today after realizing this situation was touching on old wounds that made it much more impactful, and getting it all out on paper helped put it in perspective a little more. Feeling much less dismal and regretful today. During my meditation, a deep pain in my heart opened up when the thoughts about this situation arose and I just stayed with it without story instead of trying to refocus or whatever. And it did simmer down pretty quickly. Interesting what happens when you just let things be. And the wave feels like it's dying down, slowly.

 

I did order myself some flower essences to support me in this process and in taking some necessary and more inspired action in my life, though, even though I'm already feeling better. Always looking for the next great thing that makes the big difference--even though I know the power is in me to begin with😆🤣 I feel like flower essences are a kind of self-love though and I loved the last one I bought, so I don't see it as looking for a new crutch.

1990s Zoloft, Prozac and a litany of other drugs including mood stabilizers

1998 Effexor 140mg and Remeron 40mg (I think) - quit cold turkey 2006 and was fine! Oh, to be young again...

1999 Adderall 60-120mg - quit CT 2010

2004 Lorazepam 0.5mg; switched to Klonipin 2010

2010 Klonipin 1-2mg/day - decreased gradually down to 0.35mg 2016-2017; microtapered off April-July 2020

2012 Lexapro and Seraquil/Remeron - quit CT 2012 after 1 month of use

2013 Methadone - battle w/depression led me to heroin addiction; clean but back on antidepressants in 2014 :(

2014 Effexor 75mg - tapered off in 1.5 weeks by doc 2017

2017 Citalopram 20mg - started tapering Dec. 2019-March 2020; got down to 14.35 mg then paused to taper Klonipin

April 2021 - Citalopram 12.8mg

July 2021 - Citalopram 11.52mg

 

Link to post
On 9/17/2021 at 5:31 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Interesting what happens when you just let things be. And the wave feels like it's dying down, slowly.

Yes, it’s like taking away the pressure to be a certain way just makes you feel better. And I think it’s also the ultimate act of self love, accepting yourself exactly as you are right now no matter what that looks like. 

 

How are you doing now?

On 9/17/2021 at 5:31 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I did order myself some flower essences to support me in this process

That’s great, what is your favorite? I love essential oils, I use them in a diffuser and will also use them as perfume. Lavender is my favorite, so calming!

 

 

Been on medication since 1999. Previous medications include Remeron, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan, Valium.

 

Since 3/20 CT’ed MMJ, fast tapered 10mg Lexapro and 2mg Abilify (was on each for about a month) and tapered off 50 mg Amitriptyline. 

 

Klonopin: doses varied since 2001; currently on .5 mg

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate: 250 mg; Fish oil: 1200 mg

 

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  - Albert Einstein 

 

 

 

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