KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

August 12, 2021

Thank y'all for the birthday wishes!! It was a really great birthday. Ate great food, swam and got sun. Lots of pain and anxiety came up when my oldest friend was here, of course, and that was challenging. I had to constantly remind myself to witness the thoughts and feelings without attaching to them and it was HARD. I could not just relax, all weekend long. Until I drank some wine with her and that quieted the constant buzzing tension and "What do I say? What do I do with my hands??" Lol. Surprisingly I didn't really "pay" for drinking the wine by feeling bad...I was exhausted the next day but I didn't get panicky or anything. Any anxiety that kicked up felt manageable. So that was a relief. But yeah, still have SO much work to do with social anxiety. It was really, really intense. But I'm glad she came. She's a great friend and we reconnected. And I got to practice my mindfulness and surrender! Big time.

The past few days have been really calm. I was so pleasantly surprised and intent on accepting any anxiety, I totally forgot that I needed to refill my Celexa script and put it off til the last second, and then the pharmacies in town were backed up so I missed my dose yesterday. Whoops!!! I got it in time to take it before bed but at that point thought I might as well just wait and take my regular dose this morning, so that's what I did. I was worried I wouldn't sleep all day yesterday but as the day went on, I realized it didn't matter and I'd be fine either way, and I ended up sleeping perfectly fine last night!! Got like 7 hours. Felt a little queazy and extra foggy upon waking, and I have a touch of derealization, but not bad. I'm really kind of shocked I haven't felt worse. Still feeling a little weird this morning. I assume it'll take a couple days to get back to my w/d normal and I'm surprisingly not worried about it.

I mean, when I first realized I was out of Celexa and might not get it yesterday, I freaked a little bit. And I got all frustrated with the pharmacy. Especially when hours later, they still hadn't even started filling it. I feel like that particular pharmacy doesn't do anything unless I harass them, which is annoying and would normally send me into a rage while I'm in withdrawal but when the frustration got really intense, I was like "Ok, there's that frustration, worry and rage again," and I did some tapping and remembered I don't have to "be angry" even if i feel anger and circular thinking popping up. I was really proud of myself!

Anyway, checking in to say I feel kinda funky but I'm hangin in and it's not that bad. I anticipated it being much worse before remembering I don't have to suffer--that suffering is a choice. I haven't always felt able to make that choice, but lately I do. THANK GOODNESS!! Thanks to y'all, @Mia1 and @Greatful I'm feeling calm, supported, and surprisingly clear and happy. Even though I'm a little tired, grumpy and spastic! ❤️ Really tired, actually. I should do some yoga but I'm having trouble getting moving...might just stretch and put my feet in the grass. I do have some work to do today. Luckily I'm not too overcome with fog.

August 12, 2021

@KittenLePurr That sounds great. I am glad things are going well for you

Keep up the good work☺️

August 12, 2021

I’m so happy you are doing so well. You put a lot of work into your recovery, you deserve this. Like @Greatfulsaid, keep up the good work 💗

August 16, 2021

Hi KLP I wanted to share with you this self compassion video that I found very helpful. It has a great 10 minute practice at the end.

August 20, 2021

On 8/16/2021 at 8:24 AM, Mia1 said:

Hi KLP I wanted to share with you this self compassion video that I found very helpful. It has a great 10 minute practice at the end.

This was awesome! Thank you ❤️ And what a great practice I can practice anytime. Great reminder to focus on the sensations in the body, too, rather than the fear/thoughts. Been having a lot of spinning thoughts the past few days again after I felt pretty clear and not bothered for a couple days. It's so insidious because a lot of times, I don't even realize I'm caught up in anxious thinking until I'm deep in it and super tense and sometimes even talking about it, thinking aloud to my man, and he's saying, "It's gonna be ok. You're spinning out" and I'm like, "Oh ****, I totally am!"

Man, I've had a busy week!! Feels like I haven't gotten on here in forever. I had a fair amount of work this week, the most I've had in a long, long time. And it's mostly felt doable...although I still always have at least a brief period of throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "I don't know!" no matter what I'm trying to write. I've heard that's not uncommon. Haven't gotten paid yet so I'm struggling a little with fearing it won't add up to enough money and worrying about how to tell clients I'm increasing my rates. That dang anxiety is truly insidious. I feel like as time goes on, I'll feel it out and when the time is right, I'll figure out what to say...but worrying just comes so naturally at this point😱😵🤪

I'm also a little nervous because my man's parents are coming to visit this weekend and on top of my social trauma stuff, his mom basically lives in a perpetual state of fear. 😕 She's very sweet and not in-your-face about it but it can be a little crazy-making! I'm telling myself I don't have to be affected by anything she says or does and just really trying to keep contact with my super calm, peaceful, true self. Kinda like sitting with fearful thoughts...let them come and go, show them love, don't get caught up or destabilized by them, right??😄 Wish me luck. Hoping it's not too awkward/stressful. It's only for 2 days, 1 night, so.

August 20, 2021

@KittenLePurr

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Been having a lot of spinning thoughts the past few days again after I felt pretty clear and not bothered for a couple days.

A little wave maybe? But you are on top on it and knowing what you need to do. I have been up and down. In and out of common sense thinking and then my inner child part of the brain

taking over. Sadly the inner child part of the brain (distorted thinking , fear blah, blah, blah) is the first to arrive.😵 But at least we are recognizing this is happening and can redirect the way the train is going. Fork in the road.🙄

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Man, I've had a busy week!! Feels like I haven't gotten on here in forever. I had a fair amount of work this week, the most I've had in a long, long time.

This is great. You were so about getting work and paying the bills. You are right in telling your self you will cross that bridge when you need too.☺️

How is the brain working with trying to concentrate?

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm also a little nervous because my man's parents are coming to visit this weekend and on top of my social trauma stuff,

I sure can relate to this. My granddaughter is getting Baptized this Sunday at church. The in-laws will be there and I don't know how many other family members from both sides.

I am going to the Baptism but not sure about the lunch get together after words.

Some good Exposer/Response training, Right

New saying for OCD Don't feed the monster. He will just keep getting bigger and bigger. Hungrier and hungrier.

Man this WD gets in the way. Life changer both good and bad.😢😊 Bad with the WD and Good with it forcing us to heal the inner child.

We will have to connect after the weekend......

Talk soon❤️

August 22, 2021

Hi @KittenLePurrI’m so happy you liked the video, she has a couple other ones on YouTube that are worth checking out. That’s great you’re busy, seems like a good sign you’re doing well!! How’d it go with the in-laws?

August 26, 2021

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

This is great. You were so about getting work and paying the bills. You are right in telling your self you will cross that bridge when you need too.☺️

How is the brain working with trying to concentrate?

Thank you! It's been a challenge...but it didn't feel as challenging last week. I was definitely in a window and the weekend with the in-laws went pretty well because of it. Then I ate something I shouldn't have and kinda "went down," and focusing got way harder. It's like I have an idea and then a few seconds go by and it's almost as if I'm watching that idea melt from my mind into dust and then it's gone. So frustrating!! Working has been a lot more challenging again the past few days. I think once I recover from whatever my body's going through, it'll feel more doable again. Thankfully, I've still been able to complete everything I've been working on and it just took way longer and didn't feel good. Trying to remember I can still do it, and it's ok.

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

I sure can relate to this. My granddaughter is getting Baptized this Sunday at church. The in-laws will be there and I don't know how many other family members from both sides.

I am going to the Baptism but not sure about the lunch get together after words.

How did it go with your family? Socializing is such a challenge for me!! I noticed though that I wasn't nearly as anxious with my in-laws-to-be here than with my friend here, which was super interesting. I'm still not sure what that's about, other than the fact I've been around the in-laws more over recent years. I just reconnected with my friend in January after 10 years on separate paths, and I've seen her like twice. Still, it was kinda strange. Need to inquire into that some more.

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

Some good Exposer/Response training, Right

New saying for OCD Don't feed the monster. He will just keep getting bigger and bigger. Hungrier and hungrier.

Yes!! SO TRUE.

On 8/20/2021 at 5:44 PM, Greatful said:

Man this WD gets in the way. Life changer both good and bad.😢😊 Bad with the WD and Good with it forcing us to heal the inner child.

It is weird right? It's made me so grateful and yet it is so, so hard. I'm still catching up on here, how are you feeling now?

August 26, 2021

On 8/22/2021 at 5:17 PM, Mia1 said:

Hi @KittenLePurrI’m so happy you liked the video, she has a couple other ones on YouTube that are worth checking out. That’s great you’re busy, seems like a good sign you’re doing well!! How’d it go with the in-laws?

Thank you, I'll check her out some more. I have been doing well, and working actually felt kind of good! And then when my in-laws-to-be were here, I ate some things I shouldn't have and things got harder again! I am so damn sensitive. It wasn't a bad visit, though...I didn't actually feel that anxious, and my man got everyone to steer clear of current events topics we all disagree on! I was worried I'd be triggered and outraged the whole time, and I wasn't...although, after the first night, I did get triggered just because his parents can be kind of glum and just..I don't know. I get antsy and bored! And frustrated that they're being such downers🤷‍♀️ I feel sad for them. They're grouchy and snap at each other a lot. But yeah, it wasn't that bad. And yeah, it's so interesting to me I wasn't overwhelmed with fear the way I was when my friend came to visit! Really different experience. Maybe because they kind of do their own thing anyway and aren't looking to me for what to do.

How are you feeling?? ❤️

August 27, 2021

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I have been doing well, and working actually felt kind of good!

That’s great news!!

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And frustrated that they're being such downers

What helps me is to view another person’s negative behavior as pain. So whether they are angry or grumpy I see that they are expressing their pain that way in that moment.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And yeah, it's so interesting to me I wasn't overwhelmed with fear the way I was when my friend came to visit! Really different experience. Maybe because they kind of do their own thing anyway and aren't looking to me for what to do.

I think you’re right, probably because you see them more often. And what’s also coming up to me is that you don’t have to “perform” for them, does that make sense?

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

How are you feeling??

I’m feeling excited because I’m truly at a point where I’m okay with everything and I’m not lost in the story of my mind. I feel peaceful and hopeful and I’m re-engaging with life. I can honestly say that I’m fearless, especially of fear. I have worked so hard for this 🙏

How is your taper going?

August 27, 2021

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

What helps me is to view another person’s negative behavior as pain. So whether they are angry or grumpy I see that they are expressing their pain that way in that moment.

So true. An old coach of mine said this, I'm remembering now, that "negative people" are hurt people. They're clearly hurt and in pain. It really does make me sad for them. I have to remember that when I feel like going to the place of, "Stop bringing me down!" and wanting to say something to attempt to "fix" them. There's almost an arrogance in my wanting to fix them, too, I think. Not that I'm an arrogant person in general but there's a fine line there between wanting to help and wanting to show some kind of spiritual superiority, I think?? Compassion and empathy is the way.

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I think you’re right, probably because you see them more often. And what’s also coming up to me is that you don’t have to “perform” for them, does that make sense?

Totally, 100%. I do feel like I have to perform for my friends, as much as I want to make that wrong because "I shouldn't have to," right? It really is easier to be around people who are just going about their business, turning on the TV, not like trying to connect with me! ...Even though in a way I do enjoy a friend's company more but then end up not enjoying their company more because it's painful/stressful.

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I’m feeling excited because I’m truly at a point where I’m okay with everything and I’m not lost in the story of my mind. I feel peaceful and hopeful and I’m re-engaging with life. I can honestly say that I’m fearless, especially of fear. I have worked so hard for this 🙏

You have worked hard for this and it is amazing!!!! I'm so proud and inspired by you! You've achieved something monumental that so many people long for their whole lives. ❤️ I feel like I've been on my way there to peace too but then the past couple days, it almost feels like I "forgot how to do it??" as in how to be the peaceful witness...which I know isn't really a thing and is just another series of thoughts. But knowing you've reached peace and are re-engaging with life reminds me to just keep practicing. Way to go and thank you! ❤️

15 hours ago, Mia1 said:

How is your taper going?

Really, really slowly but ok. I haven't lowered my dose any more since a few weeks back and I keep being ready to but then postponing it. Which feels a little frustrating since I want to get it done already (!! ha!) but I'm doing ok with it, I think. I feel like I'm playing with a puzzle, trying to fit in the 4 days I typically feel completely wiped out and need to just lie in bed after a decrease between projects and obligations. I'm still really scared I won't be able to work or function in acute w/d and will fail at projects, etc. and something bad will happen. Even though, last time, on the 3rd or 4th day after decreasing, I was doing my writing and was pretty much ok. It's still better to wait until I feel balanced and as though I can breathe and relax than to rush it, right? Even though I know and am practicing embodying the fact that I am not my thoughts and those thoughts can't harm me? I'm still kind of recovering from being under the weather yesterday, so it's also probably better to hold off on decreasing until next week for that reason. Going to see how I feel on Tuesday or Wed, I think. The thoughts that want to hurry up and be done already are just thoughts, too, and don't have to mean anything...

August 27, 2021

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

"I shouldn't have to," right? It really is easier to be around people who are just going about their business, turning on the TV, not like trying to connect with me! ...Even though in a way I do enjoy a friend's company more but then end up not enjoying their company more because it's painful/stressful.

For me, I think this has to do with feeling like I’m going to be judged. In the past it would be like a performance unless I was really comfortable with that person and saw them often. As I learn to let go of self judgement I find that it is easier to connect with people because I’m not concerned what they think, I can just be me. And ultimately how people view me says more about them then it ever will about me.

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

You have worked hard for this and it is amazing!!!! I'm so proud and inspired by you! You've achieved something monumental that so many people long for their whole lives. ❤️

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

It's still better to wait until I feel balanced and as though I can breathe and relax than to rush it, right?

There’s certainly no rush, do it at a pace that is good for you. The important part is you’re moving in the right direction and will ultimately get there. You’re doing great!! It’s good to catch up with you💗

September 2, 2021

On 8/27/2021 at 4:00 PM, Mia1 said:

For me, I think this has to do with feeling like I’m going to be judged. In the past it would be like a performance unless I was really comfortable with that person and saw them often. As I learn to let go of self judgement I find that it is easier to connect with people because I’m not concerned what they think, I can just be me. And ultimately how people view me says more about them then it ever will about me.

That's totally it: fear of being judged. And so that explains why once I've spent more time around people, the constant fear and paralysis subsides. I stopped feeling super awkward all the time around my fiance after we'd been living together for a couple of months; that's always how it goes. I'll relax around my partner but not until we've been together for a while. And I've spent a fair amount of time with his parents, although not very often. I haven't spent much time with my friend in years.

It is ultimately about them, not us...and I know that, but the fear is just so deeply engrained. It's definitely improving, though, with my inner work. I'm glad you're seeing that, too. It is totally about letting go of self-judgment and also knowing who we are and feeling comfortable in that, I think.

Quote

There’s certainly no rush, do it at a pace that is good for you. The important part is you’re moving in the right direction and will ultimately get there. You’re doing great!! It’s good to catch up with you💗

Thank you ❤️ Great to catch up with you too! Yes, moving in the right direction. I waited a bit since I wasn't feeling all that great and was definitely detoxing from some dairy and things I ate the past week up until yesterday, when I realized I'd been feeling great for a little over 12 hours thanks to some extra detox measures like hot yoga! And I wasn't feeling fearful about cutting my dose again at all so I went ahead and did a decrease. Usually the fear kicks in soon after or even right away and it's a huge challenge but that didn't happen this time. I was so rooted in my knowing that I am ok and all is well, I just carried on with my day. It's been kind of incredible! I did feel extra foggy in the afternoon and evening but I kind of didn't care. I finished my work pretty early on, with some struggle to focus but not too bad.

This morning, while I was grounding on the grass, I finally got my first wave of anxiety and I put my hand on my heart, breathed deeply and went deeper into the fear like you previously talked about. It felt really, really intense and scary!! But I was ok because I knew it would pass. Thank you for suggesting that. While I was still deep in it, I suddenly heard my kitty crying from the patio upstairs so it kinda snapped me out of it and I ran up to let him inside the apartment and ate an apple and felt fine. Now I'm just fatigued but I'm ok. Although I got another work assignment and I'm having a lot of trouble focusing so I'm a little concerned I won't be able to get it done. 😕 Not sure how to get around that. It's so hard. Stupid brain fog. My inner child just wants to lie around and watch videos. This email I have to format isn't going out until Sunday so at least I have some time and it doesn't require much actual writing, so that's good! I'll be fine, right?? 😃

The brain fog makes is so difficult to figure out how to dose. I had a hell of a time with it yesterday morning. Calculating the new dose is easy but figuring out how to dose that weird-ass amount is really, really hard and makes my head want to explode. I didn't get it quite right but I got sick of guessing and just went with it. Need to figure out what to do about that because as I get lower, I'll have to make extra, extra certain I'm not doing bigger cuts than 10% so I don't hurt my nervous system, right?? Not going to worry about that right this second, though.

I'm essentially officially halfway done now. Just over 10 mg. Original dose was 20. I'm so glad I paused for so long because these decreases aren't nearly as torturous as they were when I first started a couple years back!! Wish me luck! No, wish me calm...

September 2, 2021

...And the taper isn't nearly as torturous because of the conversations we've been having, @Mia1 and @Greatful!! Your support means EVERYTHING. @Mia1 I can't thank you enough for helping me understand how to be mindful, be with fear, and be the river. Like, I'd been hearing about mindfulness forever and meditating for a few years but it all didn't, like, click until now. Legit you've saved my life and made this actually possible. ❤️ I'm concerned that it's only this doable because I'm still only halfway done and know the more acute w/d will only last a few days...still have fear that down the line, once I get lower, it'll be too much. Everything in time, right?

September 2, 2021

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

I finally got my first wave of anxiety and I put my hand on my heart, breathed deeply and went deeper into the fear like you previously talked about. It felt really, really intense and scary!! But I was ok

What would do or were would we be with out @Mia1 holding our hands us we walk through the maze of WD and healing our hearts.

I had a similar experience this morning,, I was struggling with some D/R and anxiety which lead to some panic. I remember Mia saying "these are only sensations in your body". They can't do anything to you, and with the d/r I told myself your are here even if you feel half in reality you are here. The more you try and connect 100% it will only cause you more panic and frustration. As she says we have a brain injury. This is what is causing all the disfunction and crazy thoughts.

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

Calculating the new dose is easy but figuring out how to dose that weird-ass amount is really, really hard and makes my head want to explode.

Are you crushing or cutting? How much are you dropping? I have started 2% cut and I am scared, so pass me some of you confidence my way😉

It was nice to hear from you. ❤️

September 2, 2021

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

What would do or were would we be with out @Mia1 holding our hands us we walk through the maze of WD and healing our hearts.

I had a similar experience this morning,, I was struggling with some D/R and anxiety which lead to some panic. I remember Mia saying "these are only sensations in your body". They can't do anything to you, and with the d/r I told myself your are here even if you feel half in reality you are here. The more you try and connect 100% it will only cause you more panic and frustration. As she says we have a brain injury. This is what is causing all the disfunction and crazy thoughts.

I KNOW!! Thank goodness we all met on here ❤️ Good for you for detaching! Literally it's a brain injury and thankfully, it will heal. But in the meantime we have to not get swept up by these thoughts and feelings.

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Are you crushing or cutting? How much are you dropping? I have started 2% cut and I am scared, so pass me some of you confidence my way😉

I'm diluting. I've been taking a 10mg pill and diluting half a pill (so 5mg) in 40ml of water. So I diluted in 80ml of water this time and took away almost all of it. I think I'm at 10.2mg. Tempted to just stop the .2 so I can enjoy not doing a dilution for a while...so much easier! So wait, you cut off part of the pill? With a razor? I know some people have scales and weigh the pills but I don't know. I used a liquid dilution to taper off Klonipin so I just stuck with that but this is way more complicated. I didn't do any calculations for the Klonipin taper; I just diluted 0.35mg in 200ml water and removed 1ml a day. Way easier. Although even then, the brain fog got so bad, I lost count a lot and had to put the dilution back in the jar REPEATEDLY. But at least it wasn't math...🤨🤔😵😖

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

It was nice to hear from you. ❤️

Good to be here. I keep meaning to get on more. Seems like even though I'm still barely working, my days go by too fast. I know there's a limiting belief to be healed in there somewhere..

September 2, 2021

@Greatful Also, you got this. You're doing so well!! It's so hard to detach. D/r has freaked me out really, really intensely more times than I can count, and it still can if it gets super intense but like you said, remembering it's just a sensation and that while I feel weird, it doesn't have to be terrifying is life-changing. Not at all easy, but life-changing, and you're doing it. Way to go!

September 2, 2021

@KittenLePurr @Greatful thank you both for your kind words, it really means a lot to me. I’m happy we are all on this journey together, we are all learning and growing together.

4 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'm concerned that it's only this doable because I'm still only halfway done and know the more acute w/d will only last a few days...still have fear that down the line, once I get lower, it'll be too much. Everything in time, right?

I don’t believe this at all. You have cultivated such awareness and fearlessness and these things do not go away. I’m so so proud you are down to half, that’s incredible. You totally have this and we’ll be with you every step of the way 🎉💖

September 3, 2021

21 hours ago, Mia1 said:

@KittenLePurr @Greatful thank you both for your kind words, it really means a lot to me. I’m happy we are all on this journey together, we are all learning and growing together.

I don’t believe this at all. You have cultivated such awareness and fearlessness and these things do not go away. I’m so so proud you are down to half, that’s incredible. You totally have this and we’ll be with you every step of the way 🎉💖

Thank you ❤️ I so appreciate you!

I'm lying in bed wearing noise-cancelling headphones this afternoon, managing the w/d...the on-edge-ness finally kicked in and there are roofers banging loudly on my building right now, really loudly and making me feel jumpy!! Still manageable though.

Starting to have some neuro emotions though...I nearly started yelling at my fiance earlier because I felt like he wasn't validating my feelings but really I was kind of trying to blame him for something relatively small. Took me a minute but I realized I was just getting a wave of intense anger. It was so fiery though. And i still feel kinda guilty for getting so defensive and frustrated so quickly. I haven't been angry at him like that in months and months and it's so good to know what that is now because when I first started tapering in 2019, it happened all the time and I became convinced he didn't respect me and I needed to believe my thoughts and make him take responsibility for things...so crazy! We've been through a lot lol. Kinda concerns me that it's happening like that again. I didn't get all martyr-y on him and start demanding he act differently like I did back then today though. So, progress.

September 13, 2021

Hey everyone, checking in. My last cut went fine, and I was so, so proud of myself for letting the anxiety be what it was. Then that faded and the insidious anxious thinking loops came, and I dealt with those well. And then the depression hit. And it hasn't lifted. I haven't felt this depressed in years. It feels so weird...it doesn't feel like me or my life anymore, so it's kind of jarring and really disruptive. And it's making me think about things in a really dark, obscured way, and the thoughts that say no one cares, everything is pointless, blah blah blah are really loud.

I've been too depressed to do much of anything, including get on here, even though I knew talking to y'all would help. It's almost like I'd rather wallow. I haven't wanted to reach out to my friends or anyone. Just been kinda hiding. It's like I'm upset that I'm alone but I don't want to let anyone near me. Very familiar thinking/behavior but it feel so foreign now.

I did manage to have an intimidating conversation with my freelance clients (asked for a raise!) through this but it didn't go the way I'd hoped, and now I'm depressed about that and terrified I made things awkward because it's not just a typical client/writer relationship; it's a company I've done some really deep healing work with, so personal stuff, and one of them was my coach, and it's not all about money, so getting a no feels kind of like rejection?? I realize that's my story and not the truth but damn. I feel so ashamed and hopeless. Not giving up though. I'm really grateful to not have much work at the moment so I can just feel my feelings and bake myself some honey nut bars...they cure almost everything (but not really though. But they are delicious comfort food😛😋)

September 13, 2021

@KittenLePurr I guess I should have read this post before answering you on mine. I am going to repeat here that you are an inspiration with all that you have been through and the strength, determination you have to keep getting back up......❤️

I Know that it is a struggle right now but you have the skills to help you manage each day.

You will weather this storm and make it to the next window.❤️

September 14, 2021

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

so proud of myself for letting the anxiety be what it was. Then that faded and the insidious anxious thinking loops came, and I dealt with those well. And then the depression hit. And it hasn't lifted.

You should be proud, you’ve been doing some really good work. It sounds like you are really mastering anxiety, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this. Remember, depression is no different from anxiety. It’s just a series of thoughts and feelings that we can choose to follow or let go, as hard as that may seem. And sometimes it seems like the hardest thing there is to do.

I had a similar situation with neuro anger. I found because of the work I had done with anxiety that it was no longer an issue for me but I was on a hair trigger with my anger. The pull was so strong it felt like I had no control. I had to go back to the basics and use what I had learned on anger just as I had on anxiety.

We recognize what is happening, we accept it and then we let it go. If it wants to stick around that’s fine too, just remember to observe what is happening with your awareness. You are not depression, this is an experience you are observing. It’s a familiar habit you can break today by choosing not to attach to the thoughts or feelings.

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I did manage to have an intimidating conversation with my freelance clients (asked for a raise!) through this but it didn't go the way I'd hoped, and now I'm depressed about that and terrified I made things awkward because it's not just a typical client/writer relationship;

15 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I realize that's my story and not the truth but damn. I feel so ashamed and hopeless.

Even though the relationship is unique the bottom line is that you are still a professional person getting paid for rendered services. If you asked for a raise you felt you deserved it and I have no doubt that you did.

They may not have had the money to give you, who knows. I believe that the universe is always giving us the lessons we need. So maybe this was more about learning your value and not allowing the outcome to define who you are. Only you get to define who you are KLP. Are you the amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because you value yourself and know your worth or are you the uncertain person who deserves to feel ashamed because how dare you take a risk?

16 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Not giving up though

I would expect nothing less from you, you are an incredible person who has so much to offer. There is nothing you can’t do so never forget that and never forget how powerful you really are!! 💪💗

September 15, 2021

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

You should be proud, you’ve been doing some really good work. It sounds like you are really mastering anxiety, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this. Remember, depression is no different from anxiety. It’s just a series of thoughts and feelings that we can choose to follow or let go, as hard as that may seem. And sometimes it seems like the hardest thing there is to do.

Thank you--I realized you're right; this is no different, and yet it feels so much harder to master. Not that I've mastered anxiety 100%, 100% of the time...in fact, it feels like when I first decrease my dose, I know it's going to affect me so I'm ready and totally on top of it and so the thoughts and feelings don't have power over me, and then, a few days later, once the initial, more acute symptoms fade, I'm less on top of it, so the circular thinking can catch me off guard and sweep me up. So it's harder when I feel better in a way because I'm not as at the ready, which is really interesting! And that's when I can really start to resist it, too, and so I feel like I'm frustrated and at odds with myself. But I've been coping with that pretty well and just continually remembering to accept whatever is present and be present.

But I've practiced so much with anxiety, it's like I didn't know how to apply the same principles to depression because it's been so long since I've felt depressed so it caught me totally off-guard. I keep reminding myself to detach from the depressed/depressing, hopeless, or self-deprecating thoughts. But I keep feeling bummed about and frustrated with how glum and exhausted I feel. But you're right; it's just thoughts and feelings still. And then my anxious thoughts come in, like, "You're wasting your day! Time is of the essence! You don't have time to sit around and be depressed; you've got stuff to do, blah blah blah" and what I realize then is none of that really matters. I do have some things I need to do, sure. But this pressure I put on myself to hurry up and get everything done as fast as possible is really unnecessary. It's been liberating to realize that those are just thoughts, too, and I'm already doing exactly what I need to: healing and taking good care of myself.

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

I had a similar situation with neuro anger. I found because of the work I had done with anxiety that it was no longer an issue for me but I was on a hair trigger with my anger. The pull was so strong it felt like I had no control. I had to go back to the basics and use what I had learned on anger just as I had on anxiety.

We recognize what is happening, we accept it and then we let it go. If it wants to stick around that’s fine too, just remember to observe what is happening with your awareness. You are not depression, this is an experience you are observing. It’s a familiar habit you can break today by choosing not to attach to the thoughts or feelings.

That makes sense. Like with your neuro anger, I've had some irritability that's been pulling me really hard. It's been a real struggle not to snap at my fiancé for little things and go into this place of frustration and being triggered over basically nothing. You're right, it's all just learned behaviors.

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

Even though the relationship is unique the bottom line is that you are still a professional person getting paid for rendered services. If you asked for a raise you felt you deserved it and I have no doubt that you did.

On 9/14/2021 at 8:59 AM, Mia1 said:

They may not have had the money to give you, who knows. I believe that the universe is always giving us the lessons we need. So maybe this was more about learning your value and not allowing the outcome to define who you are. Only you get to define who you are KLP. Are you the amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because you value yourself and know your worth or are you the uncertain person who deserves to feel ashamed because how dare you take a risk?

I would expect nothing less from you, you are an incredible person who has so much to offer. There is nothing you can’t do so never forget that and never forget how powerful you really are!! 💪💗

Thank you, that is true. It took A LOT of courage to ask them, and I'm struggling with some regret now because I got a reply yesterday that was even less like what I'd been hoping for... Basically, to make a long story short, it seems that my asking for a raise led them to reexamine their business expenses/structure and now they're considering doing their own writing instead of paying me to do it! 😕 So I may have gotten myself let go, the thought of which sucks and fills me with sadness and regret--but it's not definite yet. So I'm just reminding myself again and again not to get ahead of myself.

Thank you; I am an amazing writer who had the courage to ask for a raise because I value myself and know my worth. I am very much worthy of great pay and great work. The thing is, I really love the work I've been doing and feel so fortunate to have been able to learn and write about things I'm deeply passionate about...so I would be heartbroken to not get to do it anymore☹️ And yet, I know if they can't compensate me well for it, I'm better off going elsewhere. Because I do know my worth. It feels so complicated. I'm struggling not to dwell on it. It feels so familiar, like, "See I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth! It always blows up in my face. I need to keep my mouth shut and my head down." But I know that's not true and it's just fear and trauma talking, and there have been plenty of times I spoke up and ot didn't backfire. That voice is just so loud.

I'm going to do some journaling and healing work on these feelings and beliefs today after I do some yoga. Gotta get out of my head and into my body a little bit. Definitely a lesson to stay in the moment, stay connected to my self, my inner knowing and my inner peace, and maybe a lesson to resist the urge to zero in on only one avenue, stay open, stay receptive, keep looking for opportunities and keep exploring my options. I did kind of hunker down on this and close off to other options. I really loved it though. I wish I could just do what I've been doing and have that be enough to make me self-sufficient.

Blarrrggghhhhh. Thanks for listening and for your support. I know there's something in this for me. It just feels like a loss right now.

September 15, 2021

On 9/13/2021 at 6:25 PM, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr I guess I should have read this post before answering you on mine. I am going to repeat here that you are an inspiration with all that you have been through and the strength, determination you have to keep getting back up......❤️

I Know that it is a struggle right now but you have the skills to help you manage each day.

You will weather this storm and make it to the next window.❤️

Thank you, @Greatful❤️ The next window is coming. Just trying to weather the storm...btw a tropical storm was predicted to hit my hometown pretty badly over the past few days, with flooding and even a hurricane watch...and we've barely had any rain at all, it's been sunny, bright, and warm, and all is well. I feel like there's some significance in that, like even when it feels like it's the absolute worst, it's never quiet as bad as we think it is? As long as we use the tools in our healing toolkits.

September 15, 2021

6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I keep reminding myself to detach from the depressed/depressing, hopeless, or self-deprecating thoughts. But I keep feeling bummed about and frustrated with how glum and exhausted I feel

Lately I have been just observing what’s been going on in my mind when things start to feel hectic or chaotic. I just let it be without trying to change it or judge it. Whatever thoughts or feelings come up I simply observe it with my awareness. This has been a great practice in total self acceptance.

When I first started this journey I always felt I had to do something to change the way I felt. I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel a certain way. Because I’m now able to accept myself exactly as I am I have eliminated so much anxiety and confusion. It literally doesn’t matter what is happening in my brain or body, I know I’m okay and I feel peace.

This was scary for me to do at first because it felt like if I didn’t do something like distract or self soothe then it was going to last forever or I was going to make it worse somehow. But if you just keep observing what is happening and allow it to happen the mental noise dies down fairly quickly and each time you’re able to do this it gets a little easier. It’s the only tool I really use now and I guess you could call it the ultimate acceptance. And the ultimate freedom.

6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Basically, to make a long story short, it seems that my asking for a raise led them to reexamine their business expenses/structure and now they're considering doing their own writing instead of paying me to do it!

6 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

And yet, I know if they can't compensate me well for it, I'm better off going elsewhere. Because I do know my worth. It feels so complicated. I'm struggling not to dwell on it.

I know how painful it can feel when we’re in the middle of it and how hard it can be to see all the amazing things that are in store for us. It’s like standing too close to a painting and you can’t really tell what it is but if you back up a little you can see the whole picture. And the whole picture is always so much better than the little piece we’re looking at.

Keep up the good work, you’re doing such a remarkable job. I’m always here for you ❤️

September 17, 2021

On 9/15/2021 at 6:12 PM, Mia1 said:

Lately I have been just observing what’s been going on in my mind when things start to feel hectic or chaotic. I just let it be without trying to change it or judge it. Whatever thoughts or feelings come up I simply observe it with my awareness. This has been a great practice in total self acceptance.

When I first started this journey I always felt I had to do something to change the way I felt. I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel a certain way. Because I’m now able to accept myself exactly as I am I have eliminated so much anxiety and confusion. It literally doesn’t matter what is happening in my brain or body, I know I’m okay and I feel peace.

This was scary for me to do at first because it felt like if I didn’t do something like distract or self soothe then it was going to last forever or I was going to make it worse somehow. But if you just keep observing what is happening and allow it to happen the mental noise dies down fairly quickly and each time you’re able to do this it gets a little easier. It’s the only tool I really use now and I guess you could call it the ultimate acceptance. And the ultimate freedom.

That's my thing, too, I think: it feels like if I don't self-soothe, it will last forever or get worse. And I got really good at self-soothing over the past couple years, so it wasn't a huge deal some of the time, since I knew exactly what to do! But even then, I'm doing something to try and change it, and if I'm still disturbed or whatever, that fear persists.

Ultimate acceptance is the ultimate freedom. You're my inspiration to get there. I kept that in mind and let myself just be sad and low the past couple of days, and I've been gradually feeling much better. I stopped pressuring myself to be productive so I could just feel and be present. I'm really glad I did. Although that fear about not having found more work is in the background, I know it's just noise and I'm ok. Always am! Just gotta keep remembering that.

On 9/15/2021 at 6:12 PM, Mia1 said:

I know how painful it can feel when we’re in the middle of it and how hard it can be to see all the amazing things that are in store for us. It’s like standing too close to a painting and you can’t really tell what it is but if you back up a little you can see the whole picture. And the whole picture is always so much better than the little piece we’re looking at.

Keep up the good work, you’re doing such a remarkable job. I’m always here for you ❤️

Thank you, @Mia1❤️ What a fantastic analogy! I did some extensive journaling today after realizing this situation was touching on old wounds that made it much more impactful, and getting it all out on paper helped put it in perspective a little more. Feeling much less dismal and regretful today. During my meditation, a deep pain in my heart opened up when the thoughts about this situation arose and I just stayed with it without story instead of trying to refocus or whatever. And it did simmer down pretty quickly. Interesting what happens when you just let things be. And the wave feels like it's dying down, slowly.

I did order myself some flower essences to support me in this process and in taking some necessary and more inspired action in my life, though, even though I'm already feeling better. Always looking for the next great thing that makes the big difference--even though I know the power is in me to begin with😆🤣 I feel like flower essences are a kind of self-love though and I loved the last one I bought, so I don't see it as looking for a new crutch.

September 22, 2021

On 9/17/2021 at 5:31 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Interesting what happens when you just let things be. And the wave feels like it's dying down, slowly.

Yes, it’s like taking away the pressure to be a certain way just makes you feel better. And I think it’s also the ultimate act of self love, accepting yourself exactly as you are right now no matter what that looks like.

How are you doing now?

On 9/17/2021 at 5:31 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I did order myself some flower essences to support me in this process

That’s great, what is your favorite? I love essential oils, I use them in a diffuser and will also use them as perfume. Lavender is my favorite, so calming!

October 6, 2021

On 9/22/2021 at 9:37 AM, Mia1 said:

Yes, it’s like taking away the pressure to be a certain way just makes you feel better. And I think it’s also the ultimate act of self love, accepting yourself exactly as you are right now no matter what that looks like.

❤️ Sorry to disappear for so long...it's weird; I feel like it's only been a couple days and then looked at the date like holy ****!

On 9/22/2021 at 9:37 AM, Mia1 said:

How are you doing now?

That’s great, what is your favorite? I love essential oils, I use them in a diffuser and will also use them as perfume. Lavender is my favorite, so calming!

Still practicing acceptance and allowing myself and everything to be just the way we are, right now, no matter what. Even though the immediate impulse is still to "fix," self-soothe, refocus on something positive so I can manifest better things, etc. It's like I literally go in my mind and press pause, shift the video framing and embrace whatever is there with my figurative arms and say, "I accept this. I have this anxiety today." And everything kind of settles. Even if it doesn't go away. But it always calms.

Still more challenging to do with the depressed thoughts/feelings but I'm practicing. Still feeling low some days but I've had some good days lately, too. I feel like I'm balancing out but then I get in a really low mood or wake up with anxiety. Actually I've woken up with anxiety pretty much every morning for a while now. I immediately do a meditation where I imagine my thoughts are a passing train down a hill from where I am. It's so hard to stay focused and present first thing in the morning though so sometimes it helps more than others. I think that might be a methadone issue. I process it fast so I wake up in mild withdrawal. Not unmanageable though.

So I'm ok, thank you. I LOVE lavender eo!! I know they should usually be diluted but I dab lavender on my wrists to keep calm most days. It really seems to help. I got some flower essence blends but so far my favorite has been a blend with night blooming cereus for fearlessness. I love the blends from Lotus Wei. They're next level! Although I was hoping to feel bigger shifts with my current blends already. But I think they're helping me take things less seriously. Not much suffering going on here lately Of course I've been working on that anyway.

I've been putting in a lot of hours on launching my freelance writing business and reviewing and learning writing techniques lately and it's felt like a LOT, so that could be why I'm not noticing big shifts, too...been pretty intently focused. Trying not to get disheartened. I have a history of giving up on things the second they seem hard, even if I haven't given it a fair shot. I feel like I'm already doing that emotionally and it doesn't feel good. That's just a series of thoughts too, though, right? So it doesn't even have to be true.

October 7, 2021

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

It's so hard to stay focused and present first thing in the morning though so sometimes it helps more than others.

I have times were it is hard to stay focus any time of the day? When my brain refuses to function right and is disconnected. But I still try and do at least 2 meditations a day. Just like you it must be working to some point and we are always in practice anyway right. Each day can be different with WD and how well we are feeling which in turn can affect everything else we do that day.

Just keep at it😊

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

So I'm ok, thank you. I LOVE lavender eo!! I know they should usually be diluted but I dab lavender on my wrists to keep calm most days.

You use this everyday? Maybe I will try it. What is a reputable brand?

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Not much suffering going on here lately Of course I've been working on that anyway.

Sounds like you are doing good over all. I can say for sure that all the skills we need for life and WD are a work in process. Why can't we just say okay this is what I am suppose to do and now that I know, why isn't it happening and isn't everything better, Oh you mean I have to practice these skill and then things get better UGH🥴

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

That's just a series of thoughts too, though, right? So it doesn't even have to be true.

Here we go again thoughts, do I believe this one, or that one? No! not that one, Yes that one. And don't forget that we get to pick which ones to follow. Up until WD I never really understood how busy our mind is. Thank goodness we are learning that not all thoughts and feeling are healthy or true. Just thinking can tier you out. Sorry I am trying to humorous.😁

It is good to hear from you❤️

October 8, 2021

It’s exciting to be able to face anything, to truly embody the very definition of fearlessness. To embrace any experience as a friend. It’s absolute freedom.

It’s funny how much work you have to do to realize that there’s no work to do. But yes, it’s a practice and it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job.

I think when we give up on anything we love we’re really just giving up on ourselves. So keep investing in yourself, you are absolutely worth the best life you can imagine for yourself.

It was good hearing from you and catching up🧡

October 18, 2021

Oh my goodness--where does the time go?? I feel like I looked up for a day.

I've been all OVER the place the past couple weeks...mostly feeling somewhere between pretty good and not so great so I guess pretty much OK. But I keep feeling this frustration because my thoughts get so fast and loud and I do my visualization to detach from them but still feel really attached. I want the complete and utter peace I feel when I really, fully do detach and accept my thoughts as not me and remember I'm a Divine Being and I can't always get there when I want to...so basically I have not been in acceptance.

And it's partly what you said, @Greatful, that some days it's easier than others. Because some days I can't even seem to stay focused for more than a second or two before I'm off again for however long and having to do the same thing, some back to center, detach, accept...so basically I get tired of doing it over and over again and wish it could just be easy from here on out without practice. Lol. If only! How are you feeling, @Greatful?

I cut my dose again 2 days ago and have been doing well, now that I realize I've been resisting and struggling, so I've been accepting that over and over and also accepting and detaching from anxious thoughts and tension. And I realized something else: I haven't even been practicing this enough. It's like I'm only making this my #1 priority immediately after I cut my Celexa because when I do cut it, the acute withdrawal only lasts about 4 days, so for those 4 days, I'm very focused on being mindful and remembering I am OK and then, once I'm back to w/d normal (or dipping into depression, as was the case last cut,) I go back to my old way of thinking, which is basically what I read in Joe Dispenza's book, Becoming Supernatural: that I have to match the frequency of my desires in order to manifest them, and if I'm not able to stay in that frequency (peace, security, gratitude, joy, inspiration,) they won't happen. And that is stressful because I obviously can't force that in w/d.

I've never been into the whole "just think positive" thing so it's not quite that but it also isn't not that. I'm not into spiritual bypassing and I believe in feeling my feelings to heal them but I can get confused. So I've been struggling with wondering, "How do I marry these two perspectives--one being that the key to everything I want in life is surrender, presence and radical acceptance, and the other being that I can manifest my dream job/life by matching its frequency and living in love, joy, peace, and gratitude?" And I realized I'd answered my own question. Because surrendering and radically accepting everything basically is living in love, joy, peace and gratitude. Because it's complete and utter surrender to what I already am underneath all my "stuff." I am love, peace, joy, and gratitude. And I am already, always OK. I just forget that sometimes. It's so much harder some days than others. But it's funny that it's almost easier to remember and feel when I'm having more intense w/d symptoms. The thinking is just more insidious when I'm not prepared to be "unwell" or whatever, so I've let it catch me offguard.

@Mia1how is it going? I think of you often, btw, and how incredible it is that you've made peace with all your anxiety and symptoms and reached a state of complete acceptance and gratitude and what a triumph that is in w/d. And then, sometimes, the mean, martyr-y voice in my head goes, "Why can't you be like that? You should have reached that point by now, too. Although things are just plain harder for you than other people and blah blah blah." But mostly it's inspiration! I've noticed that as much as I feel I'm not nearly as hard on myself as I used to be, I still put a lot of pressure on myself (or that one voice in my head does, anyway) and I'm learning to detach even more from that voice/part.

October 18, 2021

@KittenLePurr

12 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

And I realized something else: I haven't even been practicing this enough. It's like I'm only making this my #1 priority immediately after I cut my Celexa because when I do cut it, the acute withdrawal only lasts about 4 days, so for those 4 days, I'm very focused on being mindful and remembering I am OK and then, once I'm back to w/d normal (or dipping into depression, as was the case last cut,)

I seem to be the opposite. When I do the cut I am out there. My brain is totally scrambled, I revert back to my inner child of I don't know right from wrong, I need tons of reassurance and what I should do. The fear and uncertainty of the little girl in me comes out. I feel the depression, panic, fear, unworthiness. I am like I am 10 years old again. I really hate it when all common sense is gone and I can't hardly think, I mean the brain is frazzled. (using my emotional part of the brain)

As my brain clears I can think with a little bit more common sense and rationality. Talk myself down. I am realizing that I need to just give things time and really stay in the moment. Try not force anything. (using my rational brain)

22 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

and if I'm not able to stay in that frequency (peace, security, gratitude, joy, inspiration,) they won't happen. And that is stressful because I obviously can't force that in w/d.

I find when in the middle of this, if I try to just go with the day, if I feel like crap, then accept that I feel like crap, it gets so hard trying to stay on top and force things, I should not feel like this or that, I should be grateful for this or that or accept this or that, In WD when your mind is a mess, let yourself feel what you are feeling and don't beat yourself up about it. Express what you feel than try pull yourself back together and know that you are not perfect and you are doing the best that you can. You are who you are at that moment so accept that too.

I get angry, I get depressed, I get frustrated, but that is part of being human. Trying to force them away or feel unworthy because you feel them just makes you feel worse about yourself.

32 minutes ago, KittenLePurr said:

I want the complete and utter peace I feel when I really, fully do detach and accept my thoughts as not me and remember I'm a Divine Being and I can't always get there when I want to.

What is utter peace? You are human, you are going to feel things, good and bad. Learning to accept feelings, is also part of being human. Learning how to deal with feeling is the going to be the key. We can't stifle them they will fester. It is not possible to not have feeling and ups and downs. We are not robots. I am learning that with my therapist.

There are 3 what I will call states of mind

Reasonable mind which is done with the Prefrontal lobe the thinking brain.

Emotional mind which is down in the Limbic System unconscious mind emotion comes from

Hypothalamus, Hippocampus, Amygdala, Limbic cortex emotional brain.

Wise mind= Combine the 2

Well it seems I have been using my rational mind through life and avoiding my emotional mind. Hence the emotional pain that I didn't know how to deal with.

Pain is a part of life= pain can be physical and/or, emotional pain = any neg emotion, fear, anger, frustration, etc

Suffering is optional = when people are unable to accept pain.

This is were radical acceptance comes in.

I am excited to start working on this with Molly. I want to learn how to feel and be okay with the feelings. and how to incorporate everything together.

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

How are you feeling,

I have to be honest, this experience is tough WD and personal trauma at the same time feels like is more on more then once. 🥴 I have swinging emotions, and your really can't control them, I get over simulated very easy, my brain has a mind of it's own, sometimes it's clearer then it is disconnected and panicky. I am having memory issues at this time, past days are a fog, but the good thing is my brain is getting clear on in the moment and for little lengths of time, I still have ups and downs with depression, some of it is with the chemical garbage going on in my brain, some is just my neg thinking( a work in progress), panic, muscle weakness, brain pressure, numbness, crushing, some anger and frustration. So yeah still in WD, but I am trying to learn my limits and when to push myself and when to just do what feels right for that day. So do I accept this 100% I would have to say no. But I am working on accepting this on a daily bases, for that day. and I am working on me healing both in WD and me as a person for just that day.

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

And then, sometimes, the mean, martyr-y voice in my head goes, "Why can't you be like that? You should have reached that point by now, too. Although things are just plain harder for you than other people and blah blah blah."

I sure can relate to this😆. We have to ask ourselves what button did this push in me to have those neg thoughts about myself....... 🤥

We are all in this together, but we are all individuals and will have different needs and understandings at different times. Comparing only puts pressure on ourselves and then we are not accepting who we are. We all have strengths in different area's. That is what is great when we accept who we are weakness and strengths and share them and learn from each other. So yes, each one of us are an inspirations and hopefully can give some encouragement to everyone of us who are struggling from WD and personal trauma.

By the way you are an inspiration just by how you are persevering in healing in WD healing from childhood trauma, taping to get off these drugs and with all that you went through in life so far.❤️☺️

You are you and that is great❤️

October 18, 2021

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

want the complete and utter peace I feel when I really, fully do detach and accept my thoughts as not me and remember I'm a Divine Being and I can't always get there when I want to...so basically I have not been in acceptance.

I can really relate to this. I’ve had these moments where I was so separate from my thoughts and my idea of who I think I am that I couldn’t even believe I thought it was real. It was a peace that surpasses understanding by the mind. I resist “losing” that feeling but then I remember what’s lost, it’s always there. And it’s funny because I realize it’s my personality resisting being that personality. So I just keep accepting.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I cut my dose again 2 days ago and have been doing well, now that I realize I've been resisting and struggling, so I've been accepting that over and over and also accepting and detaching from anxious thoughts and tension. And I realized something else: I haven't even been practicing this enough. It's like I'm only making this my #1 priority immediately after I cut my Celexa because when I do cut it, the acute withdrawal only lasts about 4 days, so for those 4 days, I'm very focused on being mindful and remembering I am OK and then, once I'm back to w/d normal (or dipping into depression, as was the case last cut,

You have such great awareness, and acceptance has ALWAYS been a daily practice for me too. I’ve been going deeper into it as I continue to taper Klonopin.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

n Joe Dispenza's book, Becoming Supernatural: that I have to match the frequency of my desires in order to manifest them, and if I'm not able to stay in that frequency (peace, security, gratitude, joy, inspiration,) they won't happen. And that is stressful because I obviously can't force that in w/d.

I actually laughed at this because I was the same EXACT way and I’ve read Joe Dispenza. The way I see it though we’re doing much more advanced work then just meditating and visualizing for a specific outcome. We’re doing this to be fully connected to who we really are, the divine. So I think when you do that you automatically open yourself for abundance. What are your thoughts on that?

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Because surrendering and radically accepting everything basically is living in love, joy, peace and gratitude. Because it's complete and utter surrender to what I already am underneath all my "stuff." I am love, peace, joy, and gratitude. And I am already, always OK. I just forget that sometimes

YES!! This is beautiful ❤️

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Mia1how is it going? I think of you often, btw, and how incredible it is that you've made peace with all your anxiety and symptoms and reached a state of complete acceptance and gratitude and what a triumph that is in w/d

Thank you @KittenLePurrI was just thinking of you today wondering how you were doing. I’m really doing okay. I honestly didn’t know what to expect with the Klonopin taper, I’ve been on it for 22 years and read a lot of horror stories.

I’m on my second cut now and I have a decent amount of symptoms but all the work I’ve done on and continue to do on self acceptance and unconditional self love is serving me well. There’s actually a chance I may have to go back to work and not only am I 💯 percent okay with it but I’m continuing my straight 10% taper.

I’m always in control of how I respond. I am a powerful co creator. I now use my thoughts and actions to lift me up instead of knock me down. I trust that God/universe has a special plan for me and that I never actually need to worry about anything. Everything is perfect as it is, always and no matter what is happening. I finally trust that.

And of course I agree with @Gratefulwe are all so amazing and inspiring and unique and it’s what makes this human experience so interesting. I’m grateful for you guys helping me and cheering me on, it makes a difference. Thank you ❤️

October 18, 2021

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

I can really relate to this. I’ve had these moments where I was so separate from my thoughts and my idea of who I think I am that I couldn’t even believe I thought it was real. It was a peace that surpasses understanding by the mind. I resist “losing” that feeling but then I remember what’s lost, it’s always there. And it’s funny because I realize it’s my personality resisting being that personality. So I just keep accepting.

You have such great awareness, and acceptance has ALWAYS been a daily practice for me too. I’ve been going deeper into it as I continue to taper Klonopin.

Lol "my personality resisting being that personality..." thanks for putting it that way; that made me laugh! Because it's so true. Making a mental not of that for the next time I get frustrated.

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

I actually laughed at this because I was the same EXACT way and I’ve read Joe Dispenza. The way I see it though we’re doing much more advanced work then just meditating and visualizing for a specific outcome. We’re doing this to be fully connected to who we really are, the divine. So I think when you do that you automatically open yourself for abundance. What are your thoughts on that?

That's what I think, too. At least some of the time...because there's still a voice that's fighting me on it, even though I know bypassing is not good for anyone or anything. But yeah, that's exactly what we're doing, connecting to who we really are, and since we ARE abundance, joy, love, it almost doesn't really matter what else you do. I think I still doubt that when I get too focused on the fact that I haven't manifested everything I want yet. It takes constant reminding to relax and release worry, frustration, impatience. And that voice does get a lot louder when I decrease Celexa. So it's a practice!

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

YES!! This is beautiful ❤️

Thank you @KittenLePurrI was just thinking of you today wondering how you were doing. I’m really doing okay. I honestly didn’t know what to expect with the Klonopin taper, I’ve been on it for 22 years and read a lot of horror stories.

I’m on my second cut now and I have a decent amount of symptoms but all the work I’ve done on and continue to do on self acceptance and unconditional self love is serving me well. There’s actually a chance I may have to go back to work and not only am I 💯 percent okay with it but I’m continuing my straight 10% taper.

I’m always in control of how I respond. I am a powerful co creator. I now use my thoughts and actions to lift me up instead of knock me down. I trust that God/universe has a special plan for me and that I never actually need to worry about anything. Everything is perfect as it is, always and no matter what is happening. I finally trust that.

And of course I agree with @Gratefulwe are all so amazing and inspiring and unique and it’s what makes this human experience so interesting. I’m grateful for you guys helping me and cheering me on, it makes a difference. Thank you ❤️

This is SO good to read! You ARE a powerful co-creator, and no matter what you're supported and protected. And I'm telling myself this, too...because reading that you may have to go back to work, my heart jumped and I felt this tension, like, "Oh NO what would I do if that were me?!" so I still have much work to do there! In the face of something big like that I still don't trust. And yet it's easy for me to see it's true for other people, so I'm 100% confident you will be better than fine, even if you do have to go back to work, and that it will be absolutely perfect.

I'm so glad your Klonipin taper is going well!! UGH--yes, the horror stories! They really got me terrified. In a way I'm glad because I went slower than I initially intended to, since I got super scared of having one of the adverse reactions. You're doing it an even better way than I did, too, by increments of 10% so you'll be fine.

100% agree we're each amazing and unique but I needed the reminder! Having a lot of dips throughout the day, bouncing back into grumpiness and feeling not-so-awesome. I'm really grateful to have connected with y'all ❤️

October 18, 2021

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr

I seem to be the opposite. When I do the cut I am out there. My brain is totally scrambled, I revert back to my inner child of I don't know right from wrong, I need tons of reassurance and what I should do. The fear and uncertainty of the little girl in me comes out. I feel the depression, panic, fear, unworthiness. I am like I am 10 years old again. I really hate it when all common sense is gone and I can't hardly think, I mean the brain is frazzled. (using my emotional part of the brain)

As my brain clears I can think with a little bit more common sense and rationality. Talk myself down. I am realizing that I need to just give things time and really stay in the moment. Try not force anything. (using my rational brain)

Oh me too. I didn’t mean to say it was easy. It's definitely not! But mindfulness, acceptance, and surrender, etc are top-of-mind, so I’m quicker to remember and do the work. It is definitely work! And I’m doing it constantly. My inner child's fear, unworthiness, etc. emerges too, needing reassurance constantly--especially when it comes to my relationship. Every time right after I decrease I start thinking he’s mad at me or annoyed with me or something, basically all the time. So I’m constantly catching myself on painful thought trains, getting back in the moment, taking deep breaths and even asking, “Is that true?”--Kind of Byron Katie style--to remind myself my thoughts are just thoughts and not reality. Sometimes I literally feel frantic and I can't quite get ahold on letting things be whatever they are. If it gets really intense, I go sit with my bare feet in the grass to balance my energy and then it's easier. Grounding is literally so, so grounding.

But yes, stay in the moment. That's where it's at. Easier said than done many times, but that's the key.

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

I find when in the middle of this, if I try to just go with the day, if I feel like crap, then accept that I feel like crap, it gets so hard trying to stay on top and force things, I should not feel like this or that, I should be grateful for this or that or accept this or that, In WD when your mind is a mess, let yourself feel what you are feeling and don't beat yourself up about it. Express what you feel than try pull yourself back together and know that you are not perfect and you are doing the best that you can. You are who you are at that moment so accept that too.

And you know, it's way, way easier for me when I don't have things to do! So I have not even begun to try to master doing this when I have obligations. I feel like that would be harder. Maybe that's just my mental chatter and I would be fine but I've been timing my decreases in a way that gives me a few days to not do much. One of the perks of having only very, very minimal work. Once I get more work, I'll obviously put this to the test.

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

I get angry, I get depressed, I get frustrated, but that is part of being human. Trying to force them away or feel unworthy because you feel them just makes you feel worse about yourself.

What is utter peace? You are human, you are going to feel things, good and bad. Learning to accept feelings, is also part of being human. Learning how to deal with feeling is the going to be the key. We can't stifle them they will fester. It is not possible to not have feeling and ups and downs. We are not robots. I am learning that with my therapist.

There are 3 what I will call states of mind

Reasonable mind which is done with the Prefrontal lobe the thinking brain.

Emotional mind which is down in the Limbic System unconscious mind emotion comes from

Hypothalamus, Hippocampus, Amygdala, Limbic cortex emotional brain.

Wise mind= Combine the 2

Well it seems I have been using my rational mind through life and avoiding my emotional mind. Hence the emotional pain that I didn't know how to deal with.

Pain is a part of life= pain can be physical and/or, emotional pain = any neg emotion, fear, anger, frustration, etc

Suffering is optional = when people are unable to accept pain.

This is were radical acceptance comes in.

I am excited to start working on this with Molly. I want to learn how to feel and be okay with the feelings. and how to incorporate everything together.

I hope Molly is helpful. You are so right, and it's crucial to feel our feelings. This has been a huge challenge for me too, even though I've always been a very emotionally driven person and have kind of prioritized my feelings above all else in some ways. I still struggle with it. If it's really, really intense, I journal it out just to get it out. I should've done that when I was angry this morning, really. I have a resistance to it sometimes, like I'm too lazy. Actually I feel too lazy to do a lot of things in w/d, especially right after a cut...which isn't a huge problem when I don't have much work or any obligations to family or friends, but when I do I know it'll be a bigger challenge. I have some big fear around that. 😬 It's gotta be so hard when you've got family stuff going like you do but it's the same concept, and you're doing it!

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

I have to be honest, this experience is tough WD and personal trauma at the same time feels like is more on more then once. 🥴 I have swinging emotions, and your really can't control them, I get over simulated very easy, my brain has a mind of it's own, sometimes it's clearer then it is disconnected and panicky. I am having memory issues at this time, past days are a fog, but the good thing is my brain is getting clear on in the moment and for little lengths of time, I still have ups and downs with depression, some of it is with the chemical garbage going on in my brain, some is just my neg thinking( a work in progress), panic, muscle weakness, brain pressure, numbness, crushing, some anger and frustration. So yeah still in WD, but I am trying to learn my limits and when to push myself and when to just do what feels right for that day. So do I accept this 100% I would have to say no. But I am working on accepting this on a daily bases, for that day. and I am working on me healing both in WD and me as a person for just that day.

What I’ve realized is as long as I’m somewhat detached from the intense feelings, even though I’m still feeling them, there is a calmness there, a feeling of peace and love. Even if it’s only a vague feeling of self-love because observing my feelings without getting wrapped up and suffering deeply is ultimately self-love and acceptance. There’s a beauty in it. This morning my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t seem to stay present or detached and finally I caught myself deep in judgment of my dad and feeling really resentful and I remembered that every time I’m triggered and every time I’m judging someone else, what’s really happening is some wire—some trait or old wound—in me is getting tripped, and to gain freedom from that, I need to completely embrace and love and accept it. And I kind of recoiled at that thought like Ewww nooo but I HATE that! Which made me laugh a little bc that’s my little girl, wanting to be right. But I kind of softened in that moment and forgave myself for being the thing I “hate…” bc I’m only human, and no one’s perfect. And I relaxed and felt a love for myself and my dad I hadn’t felt in a while.

This feels easier to me when I'm alone and can just breathe and be with myself. But you can do it around other people, too. It just takes practice and perseverance, I think. Not easy. But you're doing it and you're doing great! I'm sorry it feels so difficult though.

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

I sure can relate to this😆. We have to ask ourselves what button did this push in me to have those neg thoughts about myself....... 🤥

We are all in this together, but we are all individuals and will have different needs and understandings at different times. Comparing only puts pressure on ourselves and then we are not accepting who we are. We all have strengths in different area's. That is what is great when we accept who we are weakness and strengths and share them and learn from each other. So yes, each one of us are an inspirations and hopefully can give some encouragement to everyone of us who are struggling from WD and personal trauma.

By the way you are an inspiration just by how you are persevering in healing in WD healing from childhood trauma, taping to get off these drugs and with all that you went through in life so far.❤️☺️

You are you and that is great❤️

Thank you so much for that ❤️ Yes, comparing only creates pressure and it's just another way my critical mind reinforces my intergenerational trauma. Like a hammer, coming down again and again just for the sake of its own survival. Thing is, as I was just reminded by another friend yesterday, that critical voice is there for our own protection, or the ego is protecting itself. And it's worked, in some way in the past. But I don't need or want it to keep my safe anymore. So learning to both love and release that is a practice, too.

You're right, and you've reminded me that we are each on our own healing journey and we're exactly where we're supposed to be to learn the invaluable lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. Maybe it's not fun (!!) but it's necessary, to go our own path. That helps me release some of the urge to compare myself and the "Why me" feelings. This is the path. It's set up this way for a reason... ❤️

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

October 18, 2021

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Thing is, as I was just reminded by another friend yesterday, that critical voice is there for our own protection, or the ego is protecting itself. And it's worked, in some way in the past. But I don't need or want it to keep my safe anymore. So learning to both love and release that is a practice, too.

Right on. This is what Molly has told me. I needed that shield to survive and protect me. Just like you I have to say thank you shield for helping but I don't need you no more. It sure is hard for her to let go. And in some cases it is hard for me to let her go. Co depended maybe.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

This morning my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t seem to stay present or detached and finally I caught myself deep in judgment of my dad and feeling really resentful and I remembered that every time I’m triggered and every time I’m judging someone else, what’s really happening is some wire—some trait or old wound—in me is getting tripped

Definitely, I call it pushing buttons in me. I feel like the anger and judging comes from fear. The scared child, the the protector comes out to shield you. Only now she is only getting in the way and causing you more pain.

2 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Yes, comparing only creates pressure and it's just another way my critical mind reinforces my intergenerational trauma. Like a hammer, coming down again and again just for the sake of its own survival

Here again what buttons are being pushed, feeling of unworthiness, inadequate, I am weak they are strong. Blah, Blah, Blah. It is super great that we are realizing what is happening and now to learn to self love, we are loved for just who we are and let the past go. A work in progress I must say🥴 We are all human and make mistakes own those mistakes, learn from them and move on.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. This is a hard journey and it can be a lonely journey.

But sharing struggles and healing reminds us we are all the same, just trying to be a kind, loving people.❤️

KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

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