braindead94: I wish I could describe

[braindead94]

I had quite a traumatic early life as a kid but I remember my brain was not crippled like it is now, after a decade of using SSRIs and 2 years of antipsychotics. My brain is just stuck, blank. From a reasonably bright and emotional kid I turned into a husk that feels and thinks nothing. I've explained my situation to countless people but no one seems to believe me, not even my own mother which I dearly love.

    I have no personality , there's no conscious experience, my few thoughts are disordered and I lack the ability to comprehend things. My emotional life is nearly non existent and I only experience anxiety and fear.....nothing else. There are no associations, no stimuli enter my mind....I cant describe how painful and hellish that is. 

 

I quit CT and I'm off them for 5 months now. Some things returned....like the ability to be moved by some people or situations. I have a constant nostalgic feeling that I post something. I want myself back, I want the kid I was back.....it left me......I want to cry but I cant....please help me I want it to stop...

 

50 mg of Zoloft for 10 years, gradually increasing to 300, with 20 brintellix and 5-10 abilify. I became violent, socially deviant, apathetic, dumb, anhedonic......I just see, hear, smell but the input never translates into anything. Im just my senses.....my mom she went through a lot too, I want her to see her son back before she dies....

[Shep]

Hi, Braindead94.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

What you're describing sounds like psychiatric drug withdrawal, which will resolve in time. 

 

On 8/3/2022 at 11:23 AM, braindead94 said:

I quit CT and I'm off them for 5 months now. Some things returned....like the ability to be moved by some people or situations.

 

At five months out, you might be able to reinstate, but it's a risk. And since you're seeing some improvements, you may be better staying off all psychiatric drugs and adding in some fish oil and magnesium to help with your symptoms. 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements, as many members report their nervous systems are simply too fragile to handle them. However, magnesium and fish oil tend to be calming to the nervous system and many people report they do help. Please only add in one supplement at a time and at a small dose. For more, please see:

 

 King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

Here is some information on withdrawal:

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

 

Healing from antidepressants. Patterns of recovery video (4 minutes)

 

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

• Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
• This is a direct link to your signature: Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

For more on setting up a signature, please see the first post here - How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Please continue to use this thread to ask questions and document your withdrawal. 

 

Cold turkey can be brutal, but in time, you'll be back to your previous self again. 

 

[braindead94]

I feel like I have Alzheimer's please help....

[braindead94]

I feel like I have Alzheimer's please help....i have been losing these for 10 years now...

[Shep]

 

The feeling like you have Alzheimer's is because psychiatric drug withdrawal can cause anterograde amnesia. This is short-term memory loss. It makes it very hard to follow conversations and to learn and remember new information. It's very common in withdrawal, but it will get better in time.

 

Brain fog: blank mind, comprehension, concentration cognitive and memory problems

 

We really need you to set up a signature in order for us to help. This keeps the staff from having to read through your thread to know your drug history. 

 

For more on setting up a signature, please see the first post here - How to List Drug History in Signature

 

This is a direct link to your signature: Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

[braindead94]

I had these symptoms years before I quit...I just ignored them or when I did talk about them , people disbelieved me.

 

I'm scared ill be like that forever since I was medicated my whole 20s. I dont feel anything about my mom, I dont remember my dad I only remember some childhood memories but they do nothing.

[braindead94]

Blank mind years before stopping

 

I have had a blank mind and no emotions years back before stopping medication. Will I recover. I quit CT and im so erratic most of my family considers me a lunatic. I feel like a person who cant speak but tries to speak in regards to my emotions....i cant feel anything. I want kyself back but I forgot him.....

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

16 hours ago, braindead94 said:

I have had a blank mind and no emotions years back before stopping medication.

 

That's what psychiatric drugs do, they numb the emotions.

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by ChessieCat

[Shep]

23 hours ago, Shep said:

We really need you to set up a signature in order for us to help. This keeps the staff from having to read through your thread to know your drug history. 

 

For more on setting up a signature, please see the first post here - How to List Drug History in Signature

 

This is a direct link to your signature: Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

 

[morgana]

yes i too experience this @braindead94...yes while on high dosages of meds i didnt think....i did things...i couldnt reflect much on things of my past or things i did....i had no creative ideas....i always told people the only way i can explain how i feel is "blah"....i always felt like a Buddhist monk who did not have a mind that had constant thoughts and chatter inside...and was just blank....since tapering my thoughts, feelings and ability to reflect and actually come up with a couple of creative ideas is slowly getting better.... sometimes when i want to express myself verbally it comes out in bursts...and not very thought out....however other times it comes out in a meaningfull calm voice....sometimes i can go for days thinking about the same thing over and over again...other days the buddhist monk comes back and my mind is blank again....for a long time...i would lay in bed for upto 10 a night straight with a blank mind but be unable to fall into a sleep...these days i go to bed and i cannot stop my mind from thinking...so it will change over time...it comes and goes....hopefully one day i will find a balance inside....

[braindead94]

I dont know which thoughts I should trust. People have little patience with me and I feel disgusted with what I am. I want to be human again. My mind is blank, there's just rumination . My emotions are dull and chaotic, im making weird associations and Im so hopeless.... I've lost everything.... it's 5 months now I'm CT. But the problems persisted for decades, I just learned to cover it and now I feel naked and alone...so much pain. Please, I want myself back im just 28.

 

I have weird numbing sensations and hypochondria. I dont know what to believe about these and I dont want to go back to meds. I need myself back.

[braindead94]

Prisoner in my own body

 

I am so confused as to what behaviour is mine, what behaviour has to do with drugs, and what behaviour is due to withdrawal.

 

I was recently hospitalized in the psychiatric ward because I had suicidal feelings since I feel hellish. The symptoms are a lack of logical thought, numb emotions, blank mind and memory issues.

 

I am aware that the memory issues , blank mind, and emotional numbing preceeded my CT. I feel an inner restlessness and I pace/forget why I went somewhere, forget chores etc.

 

My anxiety or fear , which I still feel are difficult to pinpoint, and I generally feel them as somatic reactions. 

 

More than that it feels like I am in a hostile environment. I don't know if ill be able to survive alone, and knowing that my mom thinks it's just my disorder, it feels like she may decide to get me hospitalized again. The hospitalization was traumatic but it feels like myself sup resses the trauma.

 

Althrough I can do the things I used to do to a point, I'm constantly bombarded with new obligations and it's difficult for me to learn them. 

 

I also have PSSD, and maybe akathisia too.

 

What should I do? I'm like a zombie imprisoned in his head. 

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Guest]

On 8/16/2022 at 3:53 PM, braindead94 said:

I dont know which thoughts I should trust. People have little patience with me and I feel disgusted with what I am. I want to be human again. My mind is blank, there's just rumination . My emotions are dull and chaotic, im making weird associations and Im so hopeless.... I've lost everything.... it's 5 months now I'm CT. But the problems persisted for decades, I just learned to cover it and now I feel naked and alone...so much pain. Please, I want myself back im just 28.

 

I have weird numbing sensations and hypochondria. I dont know what to believe about these and I dont want to go back to meds. I need myself back.

I feel you so much! I can’t even discribe myself anymore 

[braindead94]

5 months out

 

I am 5 months out of sertraline that I took, on and off, various doses for about 10 years, and I feel no particlar withdrawal symptoms....it feels to me that Im still the person I was on meds, but I KNOW that this isnt me. Is this a sign of permament brain damage/change of personality?

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

As requested before, please create your drug signature.  This will appear below every post you make and means that members don't have to read through your posts to get the information about your drug history.

 

Instructions:  Withdrawal History Signature

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

13 hours ago, braindead94 said:

5 months out

 

I am 5 months out of sertraline that I took, on and off, various doses for about 10 years, and I feel no particlar withdrawal symptoms....it feels to me that Im still the person I was on meds, but I KNOW that this isnt me. Is this a sign of permament brain damage/change of personality?

 

 

Recovery takes time, much longer than we would like it to take.

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

[ChessieCat]

On 8/25/2022 at 1:24 PM, ChessieCat said:

As requested before, please create your drug signature. 

 

@braindead94

It is very important for members to put their drug history in their drug signature.

 

[ChessieCat]

Your new topic has been merged with the existing topic here:

 

brain-fog-blank-mind-comprehension-concentration-cognitive-and-memory-problems

 

[braindead94]

I've managed to find it. Couldn't before. I'm not feeling that I experience significant WD symptoms, but the issues that were developed while on drugs persist

[ChessieCat]

Q:  Did you realise that Zoloft and Zolotrin are both sertraline, ie the same drug just different brand names?

[braindead94]

I know, I just thought I should say zolotrin rather than zoloft since that was what I was taking. Regardless, what can I do for my issues (emotional numbing,loss of personality,blank mind, memory and cognitive issues)? Will I be forever like this? I also developed dissociation

[ChessieCat]

Thank you for creating your drug signature.

 

2021-2022 10mg Abilify, 10 Brintellix, 300 zolotrin Zolotrin (Sertraline) stable.

 

Please add the date that you last took the above drugs.  Thank you.

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/

 

[braindead94]

WD symptoms?

 

I have noticed some issues. I'm gonna list them here, and please, if anyone is able, tell me if these are withdrawal symptoms:

 

Sensitivity to cold water.

Whole head pressure headaches

Nausea when having an intense emotion + blunted affect (existed before quitting)

Very mild hand tremors (existed before quitting)

Fatigue, especially regarding the legs

Insomnia

Feeling of being empty + blank mind+ memory issues (even before).

Loss of appetite

Cramps

Weird automatic movements like kicking, spontaneous moves of the legs,pacing (mild akathisia?) (before quitting)

 

My current supplements are fish oil, multivitamin and magnisium.

 

 

 

It's very difficult for me to discern what is what regarding symptoms

 

 

 

Edited September 9, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[braindead94]

Symptoms

 

I found it difficult to distinguish what is withdrawal, what isn't, and I'm very scared about how my future is going to be. My OCD spiked and I catastrophize all the time. Today the day seems to have had a very quick pace. My sense of time seems disturbed..... it's like things move to quickly....happen too quickly, and I'm always stressed about everything.

 

My gealth in the future, my sleep, my blank mind, my memory loss, my mom's future and many more.

 

My descriptive vocabulary sucks due to those meds and the WD... I'm sorry if I'm not making sense.

 

Edited September 5, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with existing topic

[ChessieCat]

Is it withdrawal or relapse?  Or something else?

How do I know it's withdrawal and not relapse?

[braindead94]

Current symptoms

 

After I CTd Abilify 10mg and Zoloft 300mg , I initially felt good. I begun crying with music again, caring about other people's stories and feelings, but it progressively gets worse and worse.

 

Through these 5 months I begun having extreme anxiety, PSSD, more blunted affect and worsening cognitive decline. I also developed a burning feeling in my head and stomach, and it seems I've lost the perception of time. Some days feel fast, others feel slow, but every single day feels like a total reset. I'm not aware of the continuity of time, I only know that I'm battling this thing (Withdrawal most possibly?) and that I'm just reading amd reading trying to understand whats happening to me. I also have DPDR .

 

My brain feels fried enough, and I really am not sure if it is ever going to be ok, or slightly better. Feels like I've traded bad for worse.... I'm too scared Im going to develop Alzheimers or Parkinson's or something amongst those lines.

 

Please help. I live in a country that is way backwards in regards to medical care and I don't know what to do, I just want my self back.

 

Edited September 9, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Shep]

20 hours ago, braindead94 said:

Please help. I live in a country that is way backwards in regards to medical care and I don't know what to do, I just want my self back.

 

Braindead, we can give you links to read and non-drug coping skills, but it's up to you to put them into practice. They will not solve your problems overnight, but they will give you the tools you need to survive until you recover. If some of your worries are financial due to not being able to work, then getting on disability or temporarily living with a friend or family member may be something to consider if you're not already doing so. 

 

Here are some links that deal with some of the symptoms you've listed:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Dyschronometria - distorted time perception

 

 

[braindead94]

7 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Braindead, we can give you links to read and non-drug coping skills, but it's up to you to put them into practice. They will not solve your problems overnight, but they will give you the tools you need to survive until you recover. If some of your worries are financial due to not being able to work, then getting on disability or temporarily living with a friend or family member may be something to consider if you're not already doing so. 

 

Here are some links that deal with some of the symptoms you've listed:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Dyschronometria - distorted time perception

 

 

Thank you Shep! Today is a weird day, I slept quite well (better than previous days) but my cognitive decline seems to intensify. I walk around unaware (like how I was on meds) , smoking, ruminating, eating etc. I am scared that the absence of more symptoms might indicate that my brain decided that's my new normal....which is terrifying to say the least.

 

Emotions are nearly abscent (crying must be forced and isnt genuine, or at least thats what i feel), and it feels I'm going back to my medicated self which I hate 😕

[ChessieCat]

You might find it helpful to read some of the SA members' Success Stories:

 

Success stories: Recovery from psychiatric drug withdrawal

[braindead94]

Miserable and pessimistic

 

It seems my blank mind gets worse and worse with each day. I swing between feeling totally brainless, numb, amnesic and anxious/ruminating/terrified about my future.

 

I have no dreams and I dont realize if I sleep. Also, my self awareness is so low I can't even notice new symptoms even if my life depended on it. I'm pretty sure I'll end up with Alzheimers, but even suicidal thoughts terrify me. So I'm either going to be in a vegetative state for life, or die soon by something else, or die bedridden, oblivious and without nemory of anything.

 

Words dont come easy, and that's the way it was on meds too ....I completely forgot who I was before them and I cant recall any memory whatsoever. I just walk around, doing chores, in a state of total emotional numbness, anhedonia , blankness...I see life going on but it leaves no imprint in me. I look at my mom and feel nothing.... I'm just my eyes and my ears, nothing else. Aphantasia, lack of imagination or creativity...unable to reason beyond the most simple things, and yes it was like this on meds but I ignored it, although I did notice it since my earlier doses. Theres no life left in me, I'm just acting hypocritically mimicking emotions....unable to think.

 

I cant describe it in more detail since I am unable....my existence is purposeless and I'm also trapped in a country that is extremely backwards, to the point that even if I have early dementia the doctors may very well miss it.

 

My mom is hopeful but I cant share her hope, since she knows nothing about the drugs, withdrawal, how I feel. She gets some idea if I explain it but even if I explain it 100 times she kust cant understand. I feel like I'll be like this even after she dies, providing her with absolutely no joy that her only son came back.

 

I dont want to live like this and I'm already only 5 months into WD. She is very mistrustful of whatever comes from "the internet" and her only resources are the doctors. So we end up with me trying to trust someone, my mom asking me to trust her, her not knowing anything about my condition, her trusting the docs, me desperately trusting the docs, me becoming worse etc and it ends up in a circle with no end.

 

There's no brain left in me, and I have been like that for at least 7 years. My dad died, I left my loved home, I cant feel anything about my country house, my cat, my relatives, my friends, life, music, painting.

 

Can't understand simple tv series, cant laugh, nothing. This is worse than hell and none of us is going to get out safe from this.

 

So much in life, but I can only watch it from afar.

 

Edited September 18, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Shep]

On 9/10/2022 at 12:37 PM, braindead94 said:

I walk around unaware (like how I was on meds) , smoking, ruminating, eating etc. I am scared that the absence of more symptoms might indicate that my brain decided that's my new normal....which is terrifying to say the least.

 

 

Be mindful of how much you're smoking, as increasing your nicotine use may ramp up withdrawal symptoms.

 

While you're out walking, instead of fixating on your symptoms by ruminating, take pictures of nature with your cell phone. This will give you something else to focus on, something that is calming. If you don't know the name of the plant, tree, flower, or bird you took a picture of, when you get home, try looking it up on the internet. Perhaps find a new hobby, such as nature photography or learning to draw, etc. Having a project can be very helpful for healing and there are a ton of free resources available on YouTube and various websites.

 

More ideas are here:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

While it's harder to learn new skills while going through withdrawal, it's not impossible. Go slowly and for a few minutes at a time so it doesn't seem overwhelming. This type of activity can help with neuroplasticity.

 

Neuroplasticity video (2 minutes)

 

Healing from antidepressants. How to speed up the recovery process video (5 minutes)

 

Ruminating and negative thinking can make your recovery much harder because it leads to learned helplessness and what is sometimes called the dark side of neuroplasticity: 

 

Norman Doidge - The Dark Side of Neuroplasticity video (2 minutes)

 

So finding calming, positive ways to spend your time is the best way to heal. 

[braindead94]

I dont know if I'm experiencing withdrawal.

 

I feel stuck in this weird situation where I have no initiative, anhedonia, numbing and PSSD now. It literally feels like I was on meds, and my memory declines (my intelligence too)

 

I might also have minor akathisia, but there's a block in my self awareness that was there even whike on meds. It feels like a losing battle. I am a mess and hopeless. It doesnt feel like withdrawal though, comparing it to others experiences here. Just a sick, twisted limbo of sorts where I literally can only see/smell/hear. Every other function is gone or dulled. I felt like this on meds too, and at 28 I think I have no chance.

 

Edited September 18, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Elaine5]

Hi, wishing you healing during this time. I’m having blank mind, no emotions, and PSSD too. It is hard. Please be gentle with yourself and have hope. 

[braindead94]

On 9/18/2022 at 4:30 AM, ElaineBenes5 said:

Hi, wishing you healing during this time. I’m having blank mind, no emotions, and PSSD too. It is hard. Please be gentle with yourself and have hope. 

Wishing you healing too. I am all over reddit trying to find out what to avoid and what to not avoud, but I'm so desperate for relief, and so scared of hindering my possible progress that I'm a mess. OCD ruminations make it worse, but I feel unable not to focus on my symptoms since every and any one of them is weird and distressing

[braindead94]

I think my brain reached a bad homeostasis

 

I should have stop taking these pill 10 years ago when I first noticed the symptoms, but I spent a decade on and off them, on high doses, and eventual polypharmacy I stopped CT.

 

I thought things could get better with time, but it seems my brain is so messed up it fails to revert back after even a dose. Screwed myself big time.

 

I dont feel nicotine or coffee anymore, I forget even more, I've completely lost myself and im totally numb to the point my body/brain just feels this is normal, and just worsens each day.

 

Sleep without feeling refreshed, and with extremely short deep sleep, walk, eat with no hunger or thirast, no joy no happiness no fantasies no sadness no desperation. Just a walking ROCK. PSSD worsens everything

 

No empathy, no social skills, no humanity whatsoever. No awareness, just existing. No anxiety, no fear, nothing. Crying becomes more difficult with each passing day, and even that cry is not the same I had long ago. I did not have had a fully built identity beforevI was medicated cause my OCD was so extreme I was only thinking about that, and then the meds came. I had some little moments of laughing and joy but progressively they too were diminished.

 

Can't enjoy a bath, nothing. And none will pay for all this cause I live in a 3rd world country with 0 support.

 

Suicide feels like the only option.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[JanCarol]

Anhedonia was my main symptom for about 10 years:  Anhedonia Apathy Demotivation

 

You can come back from it.

[braindead94]

Wondering

 

I'm in very bad place right now.

Body like cardboard, numbness, blank mind, cognitive problems and more.

 

I realize that I never had created an actual identity, since my OCD problems begun at 14, and I begun drugging at 17-18.

 

The doses were for a week but they were enough for personality changes and beginning of the blank mind. I managed to live on by ignoring it and in all honesty I fared somewhat ok ; at least I lived life to an extent, but from back then some emotions/abilities were already "dead". 

 

I kept dosing on and off , as I kept being unaware and it of course worsened, but i only see that now in retrospect.

 

After polypharmacy I begun developing total PSSD with total blunting and absolute blank mind. It seems its worsening but i cant even feel the urgency, cant even cry or feel anxious.

Body is numb, cant feel touch, its dry and ive recently lost the euphoria of nicotine or coffee, and some senses like smell (smell was my stronger sense). Visual symptoms set in and saliva production is nearly 0.

 

Random memories pop up brwaking through the constant dpdr.

 

My question is: How can one's brain return to a state that was not yet fully formed, and way back in time. If I had a solid identity by 17 id be more optimistic.

 

I'm also in a country where no doctor will believe me. It's hard to understand how to not resign when my condition seems to worsen, and its prognosis is quite bad considering my irregular and sometimes intense use of SSRIs from my part.

 

Not to mention I dropped out of my studies and job prospects are nearly 0 now. It just worsens.

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic