s0lit4ry: PMDD, withdrawals or shot nervous system?

[s0lit4ry]

My partner said she is noticing positive changes every few weeks. No, nothing feels "normal" yet but I have a ways to go. 

 

When I'm at the point in my withdrawal that I can do such things, I want to give back. I don't know how yet, but I'll figure it out. I'm a programmer. Maybe a tapering app or something which mirrors the guidelines listed on this website. I do not know if it exists or not, but something that auto-populates a tapering schedule/calendar based on the 10% guideline would have been useful for me. Maybe it could also give suggestions to adjust or slow down based on a symptom log that you can check off each day.

 

I noticed a lot of people on here dip out when they feel better but after being dragged through literal hell for a year, even despite only having had a shorter stint with ADs/APs I feel motivated to help.

[Altostrata]

@Shep might have a programming-type project for you 🙂

[Hanna72]

Hi @s0lit4ry

38 minutes ago, s0lit4ry said:

Maybe a tapering app or something which mirrors the guidelines listed on this website.

What a brilliant idea!

[RachelSusan]

@s0lit4ry How nice of you to want to give back to the group. That's wonderful.

 

Are you still on the uphill side of the symptoms, or starting to trend downwards? I know you have really been suffering.  Keep us posted, please.

[s0lit4ry]

3 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

@s0lit4ry How nice of you to want to give back to the group. That's wonderful.

 

Are you still on the uphill side of the symptoms, or starting to trend downwards? I know you have really been suffering.  Keep us posted, please.

 

Of course, I definitely feel compassion for everyone here.

 

Honestly I have no clue. I do seem to be making a slow upward trend in terms of regaining cognitive function but the symptoms themselves randomly fluctuate from tolerable to severe. I really hit rock bottom last mens cycle, that was the worst I've felt since the adverse reaction, I literally could not look at the sky without feeling the kind of dissociative terror one feels in a war zone. That was two months in, so hopefully this month is less intense.

[RachelSusan]

21 minutes ago, s0lit4ry said:

randomly fluctuate from tolerable to severe

I know the fluctuating part very well, all too well. I hope the next mens cycle is better for you.

[s0lit4ry]

Update:

This menstrual cycle has marked a positive change. I began menstruation but still do not have suicidal ideation or thoughts, which have been present before and during each cycle since I began my adverse reaction & withdrawal journey 10mo ago. There was a noticeable increase in DPDR, anxiety/panic and vertigo but less than last month. The depression seems to have lessened significantly, and some of my normal PMS symptoms have returned.

 

Is that a good sign? Can anyone else relate? Might this indicate a possible passing of the acute phase?

 

I am noticing that my interests are also returning. Typically during my cycle I have no interest in anything I usually do, but I find myself drawn again to documentaries, books and news articles. 

[s0lit4ry]

Update: Suicidal feelings were absent the entirety of my cycle. PMDD symptoms were not characteristic of my WD this month. I no longer feel incredibly depressed, that seems to have vanished as well. More of a dysthymia.

 

However the DPDR and random panic about nonsensical topics have ramped up (like "I'm going to die one day" or "what if I have withdrawal forever?" Yadda Yadda. I typically snap out of it in an hour.) Dizziness, light headedness, and the occasional burns still, but the burns have lessened in intensity even when they ramp up. I definitely feel like I'm living in a dream most of the time, but thats pretty much my main symptom now. 

 

Oh, also, the gaslighting by doctors/therapists/family has officially begun (as in, "you really need more meds now because you aren't better yet")

 

I'll happily go nuts instead. Cheers to future health. 

[s0lit4ry]

Sigh. I guess I jumped the gun. I got a really heavy wave last night, and now it seems that everything is back. Feels like I am back to square one. I guess the acute phase is not over for me yet. Argh!

[s0lit4ry]

I know I look like I'm talking to myself like a crazy person, but this thread is functioning as my journal, which is why I keep updating it.

 

Last night I experienced a strange window of total unexplained bodily peace for about an hour. I never have felt this kind of peace before, not even prior to psych meds/withdrawal. I woke up in the night and felt as if I could melt away into blissful slumber, similar to the feeling one has when sedated on certain meds, only without meds. I have no idea what caused it, but I hope those moments return.

 

Other than that I'm still in a pretty heavy wave. 

[littlebird]

31 minutes ago, s0lit4ry said:

I know I look like I'm talking to myself like a crazy person, but this thread is functioning as my journal, which is why I keep updating it.

 

Welcome to the "talking to myself in my thread" club!! I've noticed that tracking things on here has led to some profound processing, and it's been lovely to connect with others going through the same thing. 

 

32 minutes ago, s0lit4ry said:

Last night I experienced a strange window of total unexplained bodily peace for about an hour. I never have felt this kind of peace before, not even prior to psych meds/withdrawal. I woke up in the night and felt as if I could melt away into blissful slumber, similar to the feeling one has when sedated on certain meds, only without meds. I have no idea what caused it, but I hope those moments return.

 

This sounds so wonderful!! So glad you experienced this. What a good sign!

[s0lit4ry]

Thanks littlebird.

 

Unfortunately after that window last night I am now in the absolute worst withdrawal I've experienced so far. Even worse than when I was desperately typing here a month ago. I literally feel like I'm on cocaine and I'm going to die. I'm trying so hard not to reinstate, but it's unbearable. I can't do anything except sit on the couch and mindlessly scroll. It feels like I've come full circle back to where I started with post traumatic stress panicking all day on the couch. nothing feels real, I can't remember my past, I can barely recognize my loved ones and family. Today for the first time I had paranoid ideation and felt like I was being followed, although I never accepted this as true. For a moment today when outside I actually convinced myself that I had died and was in the afterlife. Only the teeny tiny bit of rationality left in me told me I'm in withdrawal. Even typing this is an enormous task.

 

I have no idea what to do. Is this a good sign or a bad one? Is this normal? Why am I getting SO much worse 3 months out? If I get another wave again, will it be even worse than this? Why the F is my adrenaline suddenly so high that I'm basically I'm a constant state of panic? I feel like I need the hospital or the psych ward but I'm rresisting. Whats the appropriate non drug way to deal with this? Is there even one? I'm just praying it will end soon.

[s0lit4ry]

I should also add that at the store yesterday, I was trying to wipe off a cart with a sanitary wipe and my hands would just not do it. Instead of touching the cart handle they just spread out flat in front of me, like my brain refused. I also can't seem to grasp objects very well sometimes. I guess this is what having a brain injury is like. Wonderful

[s0lit4ry]

Update: Yet another talking to myself post...

 

Another menstrual cycle without suicidal thoughts. Woo!

 

Daily still suffering from DPDR, anxiety, and now an OCD-like obsessive fear of death, not something I cared about before withdrawal. Still having mini panic attacks on my menstrual cycle. It seems that the symptoms have shifted away from depression/pmdd and are now mimicking something more akin to panic disorder. 

 

This week is the first week in months that I've done any programming.

[s0lit4ry]

Update: Doing decently. Still having symptoms, mostly DPDR and vertigo. Wondering about altitude and it's effects on withdrawal (as in, going on an airplane). Occasionally still get bouts of depression and anxiety. 

 

Still avoiding supplements, oily foods, and high sugar, although my sugar tolerance has seemed to have returned pretty well. I am impressed for only 5 months off the meds, at how well my brain has already healed. Stress definitely sets me off though, so trying to avoid it.

[RachelSusan]

@s0lit4ry Glad to hear you are doing relatively alright. I hope you see continued improvement.  And yes, stress tends to set us off and I try to avoid it as well.

[s0lit4ry]

It's been awhile, but I haven't forgotten this thread!

 

MAN am I doing WAY BETTER.

 

It's actually INSANE how much I've improved in the last 8 months sober (no meds, no alcohol, no smoking, no crappy foods, no coffee, NOTHING).

I actually just flew abroad to a totally different country with my partner on a 14 hour flight, and we've been here for a month and I'm loving it.

 

I have some occasional mini panic attacks and DPDR/instability waves still (everything goes fuzzy and I start getting jumpy and seeing shadows). I just tell myself "Oh, it's withdrawal again!" and go play games on my phone. It only happens when I get extremely stressed and/or I'm near menstruation. Even then it doesn't bother me anymore.

 

And... that's it! No other symptoms. SI - gone. Depression - gone. PMDD - gone. The brain HEALS y'all, don't forget that!!!

 

Also, I still haven't forgotten that I want to give back!

[windchime]

@Happy2Heal I am having these types of horrific intrusive violent terrible thoughts too and I am still on the meds. How long did yours last? 

[s0lit4ry]

5 hours ago, windchime said:

@Happy2Heal I am having these types of horrific intrusive violent terrible thoughts too and I am still on the meds. How long did yours last? 

I don't remember if I mentioned it here, but I also had those. It seems scary but it's  just a side effect of withdrawal. Withdrawal causes extreme levels of anxiety which can cause OCD-like symptoms where you're obsessing over shocking things constantly. It can happen while still on meds while you're tapering (it can can also be caused by meds)

 

As Alto said it mimics psychiatric disorders. Ive heard a lot of stories of people having disturbing thoughts. Mine stopped once my acute phase was over. The best strategy is to just let it be there and know it's just your brain doing nonsensical gymnastics while it heals.

[s0lit4ry]

I do want to add - I seem to be doing okay unless I eat some kind of vegetable oil. I've read about food sensitivities in withdrawal, but vegetable oil? Wtf? Olive oil and coconut oil don't bother me. I can basically drink olive oil and I'm fine. Vegetable oil on the other hand (sunflower, canola, palm, anything similar) seems to flare up my withdrawal syndrome x10. I don't know if they all have something in common?

 

Another thing that does it for me is starch, as in rice starch, if it's not removed before being cooked.

 

Multiple times my symptoms have flared up while thinking I didn't eat it that day, then I check a label and inevitably something ends up having vegetable oil in it.

[Nypeaches89]

On 6/19/2023 at 8:51 AM, s0lit4ry said:

It's been awhile, but I haven't forgotten this thread!

 

MAN am I doing WAY BETTER.

 

It's actually INSANE how much I've improved in the last 8 months sober (no meds, no alcohol, no smoking, no crappy foods, no coffee, NOTHING).

I actually just flew abroad to a totally different country with my partner on a 14 hour flight, and we've been here for a month and I'm loving it.

 

I have some occasional mini panic attacks and DPDR/instability waves still (everything goes fuzzy and I start getting jumpy and seeing shadows). I just tell myself "Oh, it's withdrawal again!" and go play games on my phone. It only happens when I get extremely stressed and/or I'm near menstruation. Even then it doesn't bother me anymore.

 

And... that's it! No other symptoms. SI - gone. Depression - gone. PMDD - gone. The brain HEALS y'all, don't forget that!!!

 

Also, I still haven't forgotten that I want to give back!

Hello! Was reading your story, I’m so glad you’re doing better!!  I suffer from pmdd since withdrawal. Did you notice a clear difference of progress when you quit alcohol/coffee/cigarettes ? It’s so hard to quit those… I need extra motivation to do so !