☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[AliG]

 ManyMoreTodays,

 

It will still be here for you when you're ready . They'll last.  They will wait for you. 

 

I love this . " With simplicity in mind and high priority on those things that lend comfort " .

 

Hugs, Ali

[manymoretodays]

Yah. It seems I best find some kindness and comfort within. I have been hard on myself lately. Makes it hard on those around me. And yeah....I am back finger typing on my droid. Between tasks...following some thoughts through. I think I will find a map of Australia to replace the one of Hawai'i. I used to image a beach there and go to it mentally when all else failed. Kaua'i used to bring me peace of mind. It's become too real now and maybe over traveled to or promoted. It's lost it's appeal in other words. Also I am thinking about how to address the stuff...the psychological stuff I had way back when.....the stuff before I ever saw a psychiatrist or therapist or psychologist. Or maybe I already have? In any case....I am here now. The usual hopes that Monday bring are with me. Perhaps to that phrase you like I could add ".....those things that bring comfort to others and self". Oh....this funny to some, make you laugh, goes way back. I am happy it's back too....part of my whole. I am healing.

[manymoretodays]

Okay.....so Kaua'i is back on the roster.  In the springtime.  As well as getting to the part of Australia that is near New Zealand..........because of sauna talk really......

 

Back in training.  Swim, sauna and oh I love having my car back.

 

New omega's and L-lysine even too!

 

It's beginning to feel alot like Christmas.......I mean inside.  Let's get cynical.

 

Oh yah.......read some fiction too.

[manymoretodays]

Ugh....the evening swim threw my sleep off.  However, the sauna cleared my sinuses.  Yay.  And can somebody grant me permission to send quilt squares as Christmas cards.  Of course I won't be able to write on them.....Lol......I mean how would you like to receive a fabric scrap for Christmas? 

 

Got to clear today for the rug cleaning manana.  He told me I didn't need to vacuum before.  So maybe I will dust.  Oh such fun.  I cannot decide if I should: 1. wait and get a live Christmas tree  2. decorate the Ficus again 3. pull out the complicated fake tree and spend days rigging it up.  There must be lights......that is all I know.

 

Christmas party Saturday.  I will go.  It coincides with the start of Hanakkuh, which I think starts December 6th?  I don't want to over dress for the occasion and I am told it is business casual, but maybe I will work in the kitchen or something.  Eh, I will try and go festive in any case.

 

The deer are back.  I left them some spoiled veggie scraps.

 

More jobs in my inbox.  Next weeks work.

 

........and the beat goes on..........

[manymoretodays]

Tired, achy, and confused.  Trying to keep an attitude of acceptance.   Openness as well.  Open to healing.  Guidance outside of myself.

 

The last 2 days the outside light really changes dramatically at 3- 3:30pm.  It gets like it is going to snow or rain and then it doesn't.

 

I think I'd best spend the rest of today resting up for tomorrow.  My focus is shot and concentration is nil.

[manymoretodays]

I updated my signature.  Decreased the trileptal/oxcarbazepine to approximately 60 mg.  The best I could do was approximate.

 

Added L-lysine 500mg. and took away the Acyclovir.  The L-lysine has a bunch of additives in it......but just small amounts.

 

I will try to work up the Omega 3's  to twice as much...... as I tolerate it.  So will try to get 4 capsules in a day eventually.

 

So yah, I'm on a bunch of supplements now......... but for the most part tolerating them.

 

Finally relaxed a bit.  Still working on the budget a bit.  The car repairs took a chunk of change.  But I think I am doing okay.  The associate is working......not many hours but getting paid and can start to pay some of his stuff now so that will help a lot.  He is going to need a lot of encouragement to stay with this job for awhile now.  So rah, rah I say.........well done, keep going......rah, rah.  I think I have to wait until January to really see where I am at again, before thinking of working again at something/anything.

 

I  have to limit the night driving and do most outings in the daytime.  Except to the store and around town.  I kind of think it is a passing concern......my night vision and sometimes blurriness.  We'll see.  I can't decide whether to get labwork on Monday when I see the Doctor or just ask for liquid trileptal.  I kind of don't want to change to liquid at this point.  So probably labwork or just have him check my lungs post pneumonia.

 

I must be doing okay as a couple people have told me I don't look 58..........more like 48.  Which is kind of nice, but kind of not, as I am definitely a slow 48 year old.....Lol........looks can be deceiving.   I don't know many people my age anyway.  And I can't guess other people's ages very well either.  So I don't......usually I just ask.......sometimes I don't.........does it matter?  I wish I had a tan.  More sunshine soon I hope.

 

Rambling. 

[manymoretodays]

Four hours of a cortisol morning.  I think......I hope it is passing.  I am left feeling exhausted.  I think I will call somebody just to chat.  Saturday, December 5th.

[manymoretodays]

The sun IS shining. Observe observe observe. I can't describe so well today. It comes and then it goes....that holy terror.....like labor pains for some miraculous birth. Okay, that made me laugh. In AA I heard.....someone say..."let them love me until I can love myself again" That is stuck in my head. I hope for sun tommorow. I am not sure I can get out today. I will try another phone call. I have to pull myself together and fake it a bit though..... Hey, maybe I will try and tweet somewhere. Thank you for the space today.

[manymoretodays]

Okay, I hope I am taking full responsibility for my life and actions.  That thought comes from this quote....." The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs."  - Joan Didion.  It was a cryptoquote.....Lol.  Nothing too deep today as I am treading water again.

 

Canceled on the Dr.  Sleep is fractured and my fears/anxiety are sky high.  It's not so much the thoughts as the physical tension.  Ugh.  Just "feels" like trying times.  I'm not going to quit waiting for the miracle.  I know that sounds grandiose.  So what?  I've got some time and space for miracles.  Why all this shame and guilt crept up......I do not know.

 

I am doing fine.  I am feeling healing.  I just can't communicate very well.

[Altostrata]

MMT, do you have a worse time in the winter, when there's less sun? Have you tried a lightbox for SAD?

 

Did your symptoms get worse after you added the lysine and made the other changes on Dec. 4?

 

Do you get "cortisol" rushes after taking the l-methylfolate?

 

Yes, you can send quilt squares for the holidays. That will be a nice touch. You can get a pen that will write on fabric, put a note on the back.

[manymoretodays]

Yes.  And yes......Costco "happy lite". 

 

Not sure.....possibly.  Symptoms were present before.  Then I decided I needed more alone time and pfffft.......not so good.  I got to thinking too much.....rather than doing.  I need more action......Lol, my choice of words........maybe that too, but whatever.  All in it's own time, and after careful selection........ I hear it's like 1 in 10 now as far as good men go.  I think I will have to take some time sifting through their better qualities this time.  I mean most don't even want to commit, or are still in some kind of war with a previous wife or girlfriend.  And me.....just trying to get along with all people......which is difficult.  I best stop talking......   

 

The rushes were before the taking of l-methyl......early in the am.

 

Here, have a quilt square!

 

Thanks for the insights for me to think about.

[manymoretodays]

MMT, do you have a worse time in the winter, when there's less sun? Have you tried a lightbox for SAD?

 

Did your symptoms get worse after you added the lysine and made the other changes on Dec. 4?

 

Do you get "cortisol" rushes after taking the l-methylfolate?

 

Yes, you can send quilt squares for the holidays. That will be a nice touch. You can get a pen that will write on fabric, put a note on the back.

 

Shoot Alto, sorry about the bassackwards way I quoted you in another whole post!!!!  No matter.....minor detail. 

[Altostrata]

Well, if it's men problems....get a dog!

[Fresh]

MMT ,  I'd be delighted to receive quilt square from you with a note on it.

 

Happy Chanukah   .

[manymoretodays]

Lol.  So something there alerted me to me.......I am still doing it........this resentment/blame thing.  And far too often.  Brought on by the Christmas season?

 

Oooooommmmmmmmmmm.  Peace and goodwill to all men(and women).

[manymoretodays]

Waving from this wave.  I am just going to ride it as well as I can.  Lot's of shivering......and it doesn't fit with the temperature at all.  Some of the brain shivers.  Fatique.  A kind of emotional light headedness comes and goes.   A weird anxiety........sometimes edgy, guessing that my reflexes are probably way off on the plus side.  Stomach getting the brunt of it......the anxiety/fear/tightness/tension.  Relieved somewhat with Epsom salt baths but then further fatigue.  Mother root Apple Cider Vinegar may help.  Just an occasional tear burst.

 

Will hang in.  Eat, sleep(surprisingly okay), try to write in my journal/notebook......maybe draw.  Do some basics.  Try to get on out at least every other day.  Stick close to home.......difficult as it feels as though the walls are closing in.  Stay clean and sober, so to speak.  Wait.  Only speak of good tidings........  Try to stay connected when I can, where I can.

 

I'm going to drop the L-lysine for now.  Maybe it's the amino acid.......I mean I think it is one?  Maybe it's just a good bad wave.

 

Captured some light with my camera.  That helped.  Bills paid.  Finances in order.  My car is running.  The associate is in and out.  Only 2 more weeks until the Winter Solstice.  Gratitude again that I am not trying to work for pay.  My Mum is faring well and I am grateful for that.  I don't anticipate any medical emergencies to have to attend to.

 

Oooh, got my hair done on schedule!  Hoping it's an every other day thing........days like today.

[manymoretodays]

Still waving.  Hi.     Thinking about you all and reading in bits and pieces. 

 

Doing a lot of soaks.  Flaming nerve fibers now in my upper back.  Usually they just up and go at some point.  Hoping soon.

 

Alas......winter wonderland though.  Very pretty.  Mostly I am listening to Christmas songs.  Big snowflakes!  Getting some rest. 

 

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Hey, the back is better.......that pain I was having.  Ventured out and about.  And ooooh.......so hard as I have been isolating a bit.  Fears, tears, shame and guilt........throw in some obsessional thinking............well, there you have it.........oops, not quite...........confusion as well........a lot of confusion.

 

As in post one of my journal here..........just looking for some support and encouragement again.........something, anything to spur me on as it seems/feels like I don't have a clue anymore what I am doing nor how to lighten up inside.  I have gotten really lost in the thought that due to ALL the meds. and all the time spent on some of them and most were fairly cold turkeyed off that............it just may be pretty hopeless to expect anything worthwhile out of myself anymore.

 

And it's almost Christmas.........and I don't feel like I have anything left to give at all and that is hard.

 

Meanwhile.......I will strive for the best self care I can muster..........and believe, oh I believe..........I can make it on back, somehow make it alright again........

 

Oh......AA buddy thinks I might be detoxing??  Me thinks both that and withdrawal?

[manymoretodays]

 ManyMoreTodays,

 

It will still be here for you when you're ready . They'll last.  They will wait for you. 

 

I love this . " With simplicity in mind and high priority on those things that lend comfort " .

 

Hugs, Ali

 

I am just going to have to ride this wave on out.  My guilt and shame that I simply cannot be more.........at what is ingrained in my makeup, to be a joyous and light filled season..........when I can't quite put words together.........to describe my distress.  I just so thought I would be on the giving end of things right now.  Maybe it will lighten up later today........I just feel so completely overwhelmed again.  I will try and study the text from my therapist and not panic, although my body just goes into this state that I feel I have no control over.

 

Thank you for the space.  All my best to all of you who may read and care and believe that I will make it into the next window. 

 

And something about Mercy.  I think I will reflect on that word for awhile.  Maybe I can find some soulful Mercy songs.........

[direstraits]

sorry it's so bad for you right now...I know the feeling...had a meltdown yesterday over nothing,really,screaming like a crazy person...thank God I have an understanding husband.... .

​

hopefully we'llall feel better after the holiday stress is over...take care...xoxo

[manymoretodays]

Courage.  Hope.  Complete Self Appreciation.  Something I just read here.

 

I tried to compose something more but my thoughts and then words just don't align.

 

Thank you for the post direstraits. 

 

I am resting fairly comfortably.  And in a good place at this moment.

[Fresh]

Sending happy thoughts your way MMT.   You'll get past this , you've pushed yourself hard all year and

your body needs a break.   

I definitely believe you'll make it to the next window.

 

[AliG]

Hi Manymoretodays,

 

I'm sorry I haven't been around . I've been " surfing my own wave ".  I'm sorry to hear that you've been doing it tough . I think this time of year can bring it's own bitter sadness and feelings of loss, in a way that can cut so deep, it can become overwhelming.  I know I'm feeling it, with not only the loss of my  bio - family , but now with my children , as well.  My daughter is living in London , and my  eldest son is " uncontactable", and the youngest is going to visit his father. The heart can hurt so badly, at this time of the year, when the idea of the " picture perfect " family becomes the " ideal " and anything short of that is not good enough.

 

However , those words you use like courage and hope are what we all have to hang on to, as we're " white knuckling " it during this withdrawal process, and we always have to remember that all our emotions are  " neuro - intensified " , because of the withdrawal process. Normal sadness, becomes " super deep depression" on steroids !   However, this will get better. Let's talk  this time next year !! 

 

I hope you're doing better , today .

 

Hugs, Ali .  

[manymoretodays]

Thank you.  Love you both.  It's just tougher with the holidays thrown in.  And the winter.

I hope this means healing. 

 

Enough said.

[manymoretodays]

I just have to keep floating.  So far, far away from who I used to be..........I mean even a month ago.

 

I think this is sorrow.  Not depression.  Just a lot of sorrow.

 

I don't expect a New Year will do much more than confuse me.

 

Focus on the bills now. 

 

Float.  Bills.  Sorrow.

[AliG]

Thinking of you , ManyMoreTodays.

Try and let the sorrow drift away , Like " leaves down the river ".  Try and picture this , in your mind. When these thoughts come, literally picture them floating away, down the river. You are sitting on the bank , watching them peacefully  float past . Alert, but unconcerned, and detached.  Thoughts , drifting away ....  When you step back from your thinking and simply observe that you're doing it , your mind becomes more free, and you open the door  to just " being".

 

Hugs,  Ali

[manymoretodays]

One month and counting with this current wave.  I feel like I am typing from underwater.     Lol.

 

Body aches and paings.  Paings.  Gonna leave it.  This very weird down regulation of my body temperature.   It must go down real low because sometimes I feel frozen to the core.  Does this pass?  I hope so.  I do usually wake up sweaty at 3am or so.  And have the bathtub and lot's of hot water.

 

Thought disorder is definitely kicking in.  Not as severe as last time but makes it hard to follow through on anything.

 

Weirdly, I have been in this condition before so I try to remain calm.  Somewhere between some psych drug and another.  Especially after the MAOI.  Why would my brain and nervous system go back there?

 

I need to find nature again too.  I've been cooped up with only a few birds out back and generally trying to fake it (not well I'm sure) with the associate.  The sky has a very occasional blue.  So it's pretty drab with lot's of white.  My Verilux light helps a little bit.  Oh and there is smog now.  Yucky stuff at lower elevations.  A health risk.

 

I might try some aromatherapy.  Maybe get out.  Of course it involves charging the battery now.........a royal pain.........to get my car started..........and the heat takes awhile..........oh well.........it's a car!

 

Paradise.  Another day..........I knew this would take manymoretodays.  Sounds like the neighbor is shoveling.  Upbeat and positive starts now!

[manymoretodays]

One good thing is that I don't get that agitated, real crabby feeling too much anymore.  Knock on wood.  Maybe less on edge most of the time.

 

This slow, confusional, unable to feel organized stuff is hard.  Once in awhile the sorrow for this plight.....not only mine, but a lot of folks here.  Underneath it all though is this glimmer.......this tiny spark........that yes, it's going to be easier some how and I will find my way.  Maybe not my way back where I was but a way.......  that I then can put it together somehow......the journey into psych care.......the journey out of it..........pffft......probably will have to be somewhat fictional as it's just boring.  So much time only seems wasted.......

 

Bunches of hugs and Love to everybody.  I wish I had more to offer that was helpful but it's all here somewhere.    

[ChessieCat]

Hi MMT,

 

Thanks for the hugs.  They are accepted warmly, and hugs back to you too.  CC

[manymoretodays]

Thanks CC. 

 

I walked briefly today.  I will have to wait until associate(son) or neighbor clears the rather large pile of snow the plow left at the end of the drive to get out.  Which makes me think why don't I do it??!!!!  I don't exactly know why I don't try to but I feel not my strongest, healthiest, best. 

 

Meanwhile........cabin fever rages.........I will work hard this weekend to at least get back to AA mtgs. next week.  Geeze, I don't know when I will feel up to going to swim or much exercise.  But my body is crying out for it.  Even if I could just switch around the DVD player and get out my yoga mat.  With such a short attention span I barely start something before my mind is elsewhere.

 

I am trying to remember how good it felt to be on this leg of the journey.  My friend.......suggested.......an AD today.  I mean I responded calmly enough and didn't over react........but can't help but feel hurt.  I just need to vent it on out and then..........correct response would be.............you are doing fine, you are doing great..........something like that.............  I shouldn't be reading other forums either where the discomfort is quickly eliminated with a shot or a pill.  That would be nice but for me.......it's a no go.  Nada.  Don't get me started............

 

I did more today than yesterday but it is like I have not really started into 2016.  I know I must push now..........try hard..........recognize what I can do and did do........honestly it's big to have gotten all cleaned up and out for a walk...........hoping to do some wash.  Just not feel so lost in space.

 

Okay.......rambling..........this is not as bad as last Spring/early Summer............this IS not as bad...........I can do this........I will do this.  Seems some others are off this time of year for whatever reason as well.  I will stay calm.  Drink tea.  Do more tomorrow and at least one more task tonight.............maybe.............

[manymoretodays]

Going good for maybe an hour now.  Lot's of Mag. Citrate by mouth.

 

Could just be a brief breakthrough window of a couple of hours but I will gracefully accept them with great glee.  BBGGG.........lol.......to laugh at the jokes in my head for a few minutes is bliss.......

 

It's a small miracle........let it grow.......

[manymoretodays]

At least it didn't go to the fierce intensity today.  Just trying some Mag Citrate this evening.  And I seem to need the whole 500 mg. to get the calm now.  Rather bizarre. 

 

Surprised to find some great iced tea without any nutrasweet which helps get the fluids in to wash it down with.

 

Ugh......no outings yet.......and it's really been awhile.

 

Lord, just asking for a productive day and organized mind again.   A comfortable outing.

 

Hanging on and in...........pushing away thoughts of calling for some medication or other.  It just isn't an option anymore.  For me.  Yet, this is hard.  If I look at the timeline and all...........pre-Christmas wave takeover but not out of the blue or from nowhere.  Christmas really, really got to me...........and then the amplification of the feelings sort of shut me down further.  Anyway.......a good month now of varying intensities..........some of the physical too.  The physical seems to be lifting but honestly.........tis like trying to learn to ride that bike pedaling back wards.........a whole relearning in other words of how to go about things that used to have a bit of flow.  Spiritual strength seems to come and go too.  Something about the second step........don't even ask me to explain that ..........and then just getting this unease around the AA folks.  I so do want to get on back to some of the meetings and pursue some of the friendships.  Get through the big book and the rest of the steps.  Taketh what I need and leaveth the rest.  It was starting to feel like a cult.......oh no..........but it was in some ways.........which was really just me though losing my confidence or something.  I felt overwhelmed.

 

Worst is.  I don't think I can do the musician house guests.  I did message the gal on no go for house party which leaves me unclear on whether they still need beds and meals.  Dissapointed in myself and sad.  It's just that everything seems different and one month is a long time to just let things slide.........not certain when I will feel back in control  and even houseworthy productive.   Keeping up.  Cooking and cleaning and moving toward a move in 2017.

 

An easy peesy volunteer gig sounds best for a little bit.  Fresh suggested a few hours a week at a nursing home........so I will inquire.  If I could go during activity time and just attach myself to one or two residents.........sort of help them with whatever.  I am guessing they, the nursing home, would give me some kind of orientation how to. 

 

Unfortunately I no longer feel confident about seeking paid work.

 

Just another bump in the road.  Seriously seasonal and light related depression.  Different from my earlier struggle but........geeze........that one lasted a long time.  That's what really worries me...........the time factor.

[manymoretodays]

Presently seeking higher power guidance.  Oh, no rush.  I can spend another day in my bathrobe but really don't want to.

 

I thought I might get a deer sighting but only got happy bird sounds outside.  For a nano second.  It's not THAT cold.

 

I greatly fear interacting with other people.

 

The associate Son is getting annoyed........but doing my dishes?  He is doing my dishes and not complaining about it.  He does not do my laundry which is a dilemma again.  It has become a mountain with precarious footing.  I feel like the empress with no clothes.  I try to creatively cope.  There must be at least one outfit I could pull together...........it is challenging.

 

I don't know if I can interact well enough to go visiting at the nursing home.  I am afraid to go to the senior center.  I think it has limited hours too.

 

I best conquer an AA meeting first.

[manymoretodays]

Phew.........Shaman is happy I named my spirit guide/holy spirit presence Casper.  So nice to have someone say you need to work something out on another level and have confidence that I will.

 

I mean sheesh........I have a shaman friend..........that alone is sooo cool.  Who else gets that in this life?

[manymoretodays]

I got out of the house today!!!!

[AliG]

Manymoretodays.  That's great !     I'm so sorry that you've been doing it tough. If it helps to have some company, I have been pretty much in the same place , as you.   I'm sorry I haven't been around much , particularly when you needed some support. The ever-changing nature of this withdrawal process continues to astound , anger and sadden me. The level of patience needed for this journey is truly extraordinary. However, it sounds like you are coming out the other side of this wave and are hopefully through the worst of it for now. You have hung on & pushed away thoughts of medication. I can understand the temptation at times, but we know too much to ever " go back ".  Sending love and hope.

Hugs, Ali