Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

May 19, 2012

Barb I read this years ago and I say it to my daughter....Trust your instincts and make good choices."

Our instincts are there for a reason. For me I am learning that when my internal body alarm goes off in the presence of someone, they are probably are not good for me.

Now if I could finally learn all of life's lessons and practice them 24/7, I'd be good to go:)

Hugs

May 20, 2012

Alto said in another thread:

"Yes, medicines can cause symptoms that look like depression."

I must remember that.

May 20, 2012

I cannot seem to think to plan anything. I must get out of here. Have plane ticket, but can't think to pack or prepare. Supposed to leave on the 23rd. Brain is stuck in neutral.

about me · May 20, 2012

I cannot seem to think to plan anything. I must get out of here. Have plane ticket, but can't think to pack or prepare. Supposed to leave on the 23rd. Brain is stuck in neutral.

Barb, I'm not clear, do you have a plane ticket so you can just bail, or is the plane ticket for a visit with your mother? You are very stressed and really struggling. Keep talking and we'll do whatever we can to help. So sorry this is such a trial, you don't need this. ~S

May 20, 2012

Barb I don't care who it is, when we have to jump on a plane to visit a sick relative, no one can think. It's hectic, chaotic and everything is a rush.

It took a few days to process it all. Give yourself a hug.

Hugs

May 20, 2012

Sorry, I guess that was confusing.. It's a ticket to Nashville that I booked awhile ago. It's difficult to assess my level of function when I live in this situation. It's much as I imagine solitary confinement psychosis. Even if I go out and interact with people, I immediately revert back as soon as I get inside house.

No plans to return to hometown/family at this point.

May 21, 2012

No more news on mother. I've made it clear to people that whatever they think I will think or feel, ive already covered it 100x over in my mind. Only I have been there for the many years that she's begged me with tears in her eyes for drugs to let her sleep all day or found her digging through my belongings looking for drugs or asked me to get her away from their home. I asked her about how my father treated her and checked her for signs of abuse and found nothing obvious. She said he wouldvhold his hand up in the air as if he was going to hit her. I asked if he did. Her hand stopped in the air. She's had dementia for years, so I THINK that's all there was. She fell regularly, so was pretty banged up. I got the strap as a kid but never beaten, so I don't think there is battery going on. I did inform Social Services and they were to follow up, but I never heard anything back. My husband only ever visited them one time in 1994. They came out here for winter visits, but those stopped 5+ years ago. Husband has never been involved.

May 21, 2012

I haven't been out with horses and just looked out my bedroom window to find one looking in at me! And he 'unloaded' and pee'd right below window. I AM loved!

May 21, 2012

Hi Barb, I'm sorry you're having it so rough. I wish I could give you a real hug. Try to calm down and enjoy your getaway to Nashville. I've only been through there once but I hear its a great place to visit. One cousin of mine recently moved to Atlanta area from there but she loved it when she was living there. She was moving back and forth from Cal (not sure where) to Nashville. I hope you feel better soon.

May 21, 2012

Thanks, Tezza. I've generally been ok once I make a decision and move on it. Just takes me forever analyzing things from every possible angle and having answers to all of the 'what if?'s.

Thanks- I needed to remember that! It took me years to decide to move away from my hometown and never looked back except to wonder what took me so long.

It is so strange to see my name and Nashville in the same sentence. It is perhaps the last place I ever thought about visiting, let alone living in!

May 21, 2012

Hi Barb

Sorry to hear you not to good

Hope you get it together and enjoy your trip

Lots of hugs x

May 21, 2012

Barb, I am confused (happens easilty these day) LOL

Are you taking a vacation in Nashville or are you moving there?

I have never been there, but I hear it's a great place to visit and live.

Hugs

May 21, 2012

Nikki,

Don't worry - I'm confused, too!

I'm trying to move there or anywhere, quite honestly. I ran away last summer, literally got up one morning, packed as much as possible into my car and drove away for about 4 months with no plan. Nashville was one of the places I stopped and really liked. My car and some belongings are there. I dont have a plan, just a 1 way ticket. If I didnt have the horses, I'd be gone from CA. My neighbors are wonderful about caring for them, but it's about $1000/month for feed and all. Trying to figure that one out.

about me · May 21, 2012

Nikki,

Don't worry - I'm confused, too!

I'm trying to move there or anywhere, quite honestly. I ran away last summer, literally got up one morning, packed as much as possible into my car and drove away for about 4 months with no plan. Nashville was one of the places I stopped and really liked. My car and some belongings are there. I dont have a plan, just a 1 way ticket. If I didnt have the horses, I'd be gone from CA. My neighbors are wonderful about caring for them, but it's about $1000/month for feed and all. Trying to figure that one out.

Hi Barb, glad you are feeling good enough to make a getaway. Who knows, maybe you will like it so much in Nashville that the trip will give you motivation to make a break if that is what you think best.. I'm biased at this point, and concerned about the depression you keep slipping into.. but don't want to seem like I'm supporting an action other than what you think best.

Hoping you have a good day, ~S

May 21, 2012

Being at home is my biggest predictor of doing poorly. Very hard to describe how profoundly it effects me. I hope none of you are ever in a similar situation of feeling trapped with nowhere obvious to go. I dont feel that I'm healing at all, but deteriorating. Goldy described the need to run/escape very well.

I keep editing this post -

Just want to clarify that I have no illusions that any one place/location/other person is a solution or key to improving my (or anyone's) life. "Wherever I go, there I am" is all too true. However, getting out of a very negative situation IS a key component. I went downhill dramatically when I returned to CA in October. My desire to change predates withdrawal and even goes back to 2000 when I filed for divorce but then lost my job and 'reconciled' (settled).

about me · May 21, 2012

This complete lack of energy, motivation, care is worse for me and a severe version of what I had prior to drugs (the lack of energy). I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds.

Barb, I am very sorry to read this.. do you still feel like you weigh a thousand pounds.. how long have you felt this way. Trying to function this way has to be incredibly hard. Glad you are posting.. ~S

May 21, 2012

Barb...I was just telling my daughter "You take yourself wherever you go." In your situation, you are removing yourself from an unhappy marriage.

When I separated from my former spouse a few friends told me it was not a bad thing. It was like opening a window and letting the bad air out and the fresh air in.

Use the time the heal yourself. Walk ~ Meditate ~ Eat Healthy ~ Journal, etc. Build yourself up. You have been thru alot.

Please keep in touch. Will miss you if I don't hear from you

May 21, 2012

This complete lack of energy, motivation, care is worse for me and a severe version of what I had prior to drugs (the lack of energy). I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds.
Barb, I am very sorry to read this.. do you still feel like you weigh a thousand pounds.. how long have you felt this way. Trying to function this way has to be incredibly hard. Glad you are posting.. ~S

Yes, I do. I muddled through the last many years knowing that I was 'not right' and attributed it to depression and pain. Antidepressants never helped me as I've heard they do some, at least temporarily. I got progressively worse but pushed through in very low gear. Vyvanse helped me considerably but I know it was just offsetting the downing effect of ADs. When I got off of the last SNRI and my pdoc and endocrinologist both said it had been making me worse ('flattening' me per pdoc), the overwhelming feeling of defeat has been unshakable. Misdiagnosed and treated with exacerbating drugs for nearly 20 years, loss of ability to work, no family, few scattered friends... and irreversible neuroendocrine damage. Life feels pretty futile at this point. It's very different than what used to be 'depression' because it has a face now, I know why I feel like I do. Defeated, hopeless, lonely, bored senseless, without purpose, ANGRY... Hard to know where or how to start over.

I am thankful that i don't have alot of the physical problems many do with GI, pain, tinnitus, etc. I don't know how much the liver disease and autoimmune endocrine failure is effecting how I feel. I think my living situation is largest factor. And feeling purposeless.

May 22, 2012

Oh Barb, please never lose hope. There is a purpose for your life. You mean so much to all of us. You are a special and unique person. It will get better, I remember you telling me that. You are not alone, you have us and we are blessed to have you. You've been a great friend to me when I was so alone. We all love you. {{{Hugs}}}

Love you bunches!

Tezza

May 22, 2012

Thanks, sweetie! Oddly, it feels better to acknowledge that I feel lack of hope and purpose than the nondescript "depression". A bit like Grief v. Depression. Knowing a REASON, be it a tragic loss like you've suffered, multiple life stressors or underlying health issues, it feels more manageable. Does that make sense? I really hate these labels that are terribly disempowering.

I also found old labwork that shows things that were never addressed in the 90s. Possible systemic lupus. Possible.

Very high CPK (Creatine phosphokinase) = 356 [RR 26-189]

And

FANA PATTERN 1:160 HOMOGENOUS [<1:40 TITRE]

1995-97

Just for the record.

May 22, 2012

Oh barb

I do feel for you!

I do hope this getaway will help

Lots of hugs

Xxxxx

about me · May 22, 2012

Life feels pretty futile at this point. It's very different than what used to be 'depression' because it has a face now, I know why I feel like I do. Defeated, hopeless, lonely, bored senseless, without purpose, ANGRY... Hard to know where or how to start over.

I think my living situation is largest factor. And feeling purposeless.

Barb, is there a half way step you can take. You mentioned leaving your car in Nashville. Do you have the means to rent a room in a nice place, so you have somewhere to stay when you visit. Maybe as a first leg on living on your own, so you can get a sense as to how it would feel. Do you think this sort of strategy would help? Might this be less overwhelming.

~S

May 22, 2012

Schuyler,

Yes, I will do that - many temp options on that end. My challenge is getting out of the CA end: care for horses, especially. My brain just shuts down when I try to think about it. They are much of the reason I've had a hard time breaking free. I have a friend in Minnesota to take the younger where he will be safe from being traded or abandoned. The older two are the true challenge. It's not fair to try to move them such a distance. The stress of travel is tremendous even for a young, healthy horse. Then, finding a home wherever I end up... It's like leaving my kids behind - I don't know if I can do it, realistically. I may choose to humanely euthanize. The horse abandonement is at crisis level in my area due to the economy. People are leaving animals behind when they lose homes or taking them but turn them loose in desert or riverbed areas where they are left to starve. The county and horse rescues cant keep up. Very sad. I won't subject them to that possibility. My neighbor across the street disappeared during the nite awhile back; nobody knew they were having problems. They did take their horses. We've lost 1 house already. Just alot to think about. No decisions need to be made immediately, but it's all adding to the stress brain freeze. My neighbors care for the horses now and will continue, but they are a big expense to be considered. Both older ones have been sick or lame in last year so are on palliative care. I dont know if I will be able to put them down before it's their time. Cats n dogs are much easier to relocate!

Everything seems insurmountable right now. It will be better in the afternoon or evening when I can think a bit.

This is about my area in Southern California. The Norco/Santa Ana Riverbed is area I've ridden alot.

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/dec/11/local/la-me-abandoned-horses-20111211

about me · May 23, 2012

Schuyler,

Yes, I will do that - many temp options on that end. My challenge is getting out of the CA end: care for horses, especially. My brain just shuts down when I try to think about it. They are much of the reason I've had a hard time breaking free.

My neighbor across the street disappeared during the nite awhile back; nobody knew they were having problems. They did take their horses. We've lost 1 house already. Just alot to think about. No decisions need to be made immediately, but it's all adding to the stress brain freeze.

My neighbors care for the horses now and will continue, but they are a big expense to be considered. Both older ones have been sick or lame in last year so are on palliative care. I dont know if I will be able to put them down before it's their time. Cats n dogs are much easier to relocate!

Everything seems insurmountable right now. It will be better in the afternoon or evening when I can think a bit.

This is about my area in Southern California. The Norco/Santa Ana Riverbed is area I've ridden alot.

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/dec/11/local/la-me-abandoned-horses-20111211

Hi Barb, I'm sure the problems with the horses are gut wrenching. It must be dreadful. It's very sobering even to read your post, never mind think of how it feels to look outside your window when one of them comes up and looks in, wondering where you have been, as you mentioned one of them did a day or two ago. How sad about the neighbors who left, they must have been at devastatingly traumatized and very afraid to do something like that.

It will be good when you can get outside again, that would be when the heat has broken somewhat? I looked at the article. Our world surely has turned against us, showing the security we felt was illusory.

Everything seems insurmountable.. it sounds like it has all piled so high and for so long that you have run out of the energy you need to deal with things, sort of slipped back into an earlier and less effective way of coping. Still, would it be possible for you to maintain a place in Nashville wherein you could hang your hat so to speak, maybe go for one or two weeks every couple of months. Might something like that start to break the grid lock you find yourself bound up in, it must feel like you have your foot stuck in cement. ~S

May 23, 2012

Love ya, Barb

Sorry I haven't been around - I've been incredibly busy at work, but I read your thread and send you healing energy, courage, love and light every day.

Karma

May 23, 2012

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I'll do the temp thing and hopefully figure things out along the way. I need to move in some direction as the current inertia is not good. A friend came out to visit last week and wanted to know what she could do to help - our place has been in an awful state of disrepair since we bought as fixer in 2003 (contractors later said scrape it and start over, ie. a "scraper"). Anyway, friend looked at my blank face and said "you don't want to do anything, just want outa here." And that's exactly the case. It's onluuy the horses that keep me.

The Tennessee Walking Horse abuse was in the news alot this past week - CNN did a segment on a big trainer caught abusing a horse by a Humane Society undercover investigator... Pepsi pulled out of sponsorship of big championship show, Congress is all over it again. It's a small world - quite a few people I know have been very involved since the 70s. The conviction of this trainer stirred up the whole industry. I couldnt watch the video. I've seen too much of it in person. Horrid.

Terribly reminiscint of our situation and big money lobbies buying off government and not protecting innocent and trusting victims. This is probably the most docile, gentle breed and they are beaten into submission, trained to show no emotion or pain as it is intentionally inflicted on them.

about me · May 24, 2012

I heard about the horse you mention.. dreadful.

This video shows a perfomance by the American Idol for last week (I don't watch, but did check in on the winner). I thought of you when listening to the song. I was thinking about your thoughts of becoming a CPS and using your experience and professional acumen to pull out of the slump, creating a new place. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfRya-P4ffk

May 24, 2012

Thank you, Schuyler. Great song and message!

May 24, 2012

Hi Barb--just stopped by to say hello, thinking of you...

May 25, 2012

Hi Barb--just stopped by to say hello, thinking of you...

Thanks, Rhi!

@ Schuyler... that horse abuse video this week was horrible but standard operating procedure - the only breed with a federal law. I've come into contact with many of those horses; 2 of mine have scarring that is evidence of them having gone through "The Program". The horse in that video gave up when he layed flat out in his stall in so much pain he couldn't/wouldn't get up. That killed me; I've never seen a horse - an animal of flight - completely give up. I know of horses that "checked out mentally/minds blown" to cope with the intentional and continual hoof/leg pain and beating ("stewarding") they receive if they show they are in pain. I was fortunate to have found a passionate mentor/trainer in Minnesota. She's well-known and disliked by many because she tells the truth and teaches others. I brought her out to California to do clinics and seminars. The showfolk in California were not happy with me including a few close friends who have been in that world far longer than I have. I was shocked! These weren't even "the bad guys". So many factions and infighting and, in the end, the horse loses.

May 25, 2012

Hey Barb, thinking of you, my friend. Are you in Nashville? If so, I hope you are having a great time. Just wanted to say hello and hope you're feeling much better.

Love you,

Tezza

about me · May 25, 2012

I was fortunate to have found a passionate mentor/trainer in Minnesota. She's well-known and disliked by many because she tells the truth and teaches others. I brought her out to California to do clinics and seminars. The showfolk in California were not happy with me including a few close friends who have been in that world far longer than I have. I was shocked! These weren't even "the bad guys". So many factions and infighting and, in the end, the horse loses.

Hmm, sounds like she taught you well. I wonder if you sometimes see yourself as one of the wounded horses?

May 25, 2012

Hey Barb, thinking of you, my friend. Are you in Nashville? If so, I hope you are having a great time. Just wanted to say hello and hope you're feeling much better.

I haven't made it anywhere yet. Have had terrible few weeks. I'll keep you posted. Thanks, Tezza.

@ Schuyler - I think ive always felt more compassion for the horses because of the chronic pain I've experienced. I spot a slight lameness or horse guarding his body before most people notice anything. The horse giving up in the video hit home - I definitely feel that way recently - "why bother?" defeated, etc. I have a strong survival instinct underneath it all. A friend said it's the Ukrainian in me. I know that I want to do more than ' just survive' as I've been doing for many years. I've been trying to create a purpose for myself for over a decade now. I'm tired.

I realize some people are content with plopping down in front of the TV or computer games all day, but that just isn't ok for me. I know that my situation and things that have happened are not severe compared to others' tragic cases. It's the one-after-another, c"an't get my footing" that has me feeling defeated.

When I Googled "TWH" recently (looking for Tennessee Walking Horse news), I came up w/ hits for "The Wounded Healer" and you mentioned "The Wounded Horses". Interesting wordplay.

I really shouldnt post in the morning.

May 26, 2012

Barb,

I think I see something new emerging with you in your posts. There is a passion coming back, a fighting spirit beginning to emerge. I think it is a positive sign, even if you still feel tired.

Have you ever tried The Law of Attraction to attract your "divine right work" into your life? Check out The Secret or The Law of Attraction. Imagine yourself advocating for others and feel the sense of purpose in your body. You will attract the right information and the right people into your life to help you realize your purpose.

Love ya, Barb

about me · May 26, 2012

I think ive always felt more compassion for the horses because of the chronic pain I've experienced. I spot a slight lameness or horse guarding his body before most people notice anything. The horse giving up in the video hit home -

I've been trying to create a purpose for myself for over a decade now. I'm tired. but that just isn't ok for me. I know that my situation and things that have happened are not severe compared to others' tragic cases. It's the one-after-another, c"an't get my footing" that has me feeling defeated.

Try a little visualization.. You are the wounded horse, and the vet from Minnesota is caring for you. How would you respond to this care? Compare this to the situation you are in with your husband, he is caring for you. How are you responding? What is it that makes you willing to trade off for your husbands ministrations. ~S

May 28, 2012

I cannot formulate an answer to that question, Schuyler, except that husband ignores me and is, perhaps, easier than another situation. When did my expectations of life sink so low??

Weekend has been rough. I hate that I dread summer. It used to be my favorite time of year.

Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

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