Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

May 29, 2012

When did my expectations of life sink so low??

I don't know, obviously. For me, when external health factors or seeming unsolvable problems present themselves, I find everything changes and it's hard for me to see a bright future. But so far things have always turned back around and I'm counting on it again.

I think you're due for a turn Barb too.

Weekend has been rough. I hate that I dread summer. It used to be my favorite time of year.

I am on this page with you big time. Here comes 100 days of 100 degrees for me. Barb, think you might be able to get out of town for a bit, even a few days? I am trying to schedule a few days out of state to get out of the heat. I've heard great things about Boise. There are lots of people here from S California and I've heard from more than one that it seems like all the Cali defectors either head to Austin or Boise. I don't know if that's a good thing but my good buddy lives in Utah and has been to Idaho and says it's great in the summer. Clean cool air, moutains, big trees, college/funky town vibe.

I don't know if I'll be able to get up there but I hope to. Maybe there is someplace you could visit. You sound like you'd love a brief vacation from everyday life. You certainly deserve one.

Alex

May 29, 2012

Thanks, Alex. Yes, I'm definitely trying to get away but have had downturn past several weeks. Can't seem to get traction. Truth is, I have absolutely no one but myself to help day 2 day. Husband has said his life would be easier if I was gone. Points for honesty, i guess. Funny thing, my dad ssid same about my sister. Alot of days im just too tired to get food. He does shop and cook a few days/week. Otherwise, it's cereal, frozen dinners, pizza delivery...easy stuff. Living in the sticks is tough. Ive asked my docs for help, but no respinse whatsoever. It's just the way it is for now.

I know you've been through a terrible ordeal for so long, also. The chronicity factor is exhausting.

B

May 29, 2012

I'm sorry to hear that there are struggles right now. I know all too well. I'm very up and down myself. Hang in there Barb. Happy days will be here again.

Honestly, I am probably not going to be able to get away either. We can both survive the summer together. Thank god we will still have Internet.

Alex

May 29, 2012

Hi barb

I'm sorry too, to hear your struggles at present.

Hopefully you will feel better soon

Lots of hugs

Debbie x

May 29, 2012

Thanks Alex and Debbiejo. I'm back to mornings-of-dread that lighten somewhat through the day. This time of year has been tough since I've lived inland where it's hotter-than-h*** and everything turns brown and dead for several months. I grew up in very lush, green area in Pennsylvania and miss the green (not the town!) terribly. Green is LIFE! I got very antsy at this time last year and did some mini runaways prior to big break that lasted from July to late October. I realize im fortunate to be able to do that. Although WHY I spent a few weeks in scorching Scottsdale, AZ, puzzles me. I love the water, boats, everything 'summer' but can't afford that here in SoCal.

Alex, I was actually headed (in random fashion) to Houston where I know some people, but it was sooo hot that I headed north after a few days for car work in Bastrop. That's the only place where i have single/no family friends who I would feel comfortable with and not like a 5th wheel. If ya could turn down the heat a notch, please! I don't mind the humidity as some people do. Prefer it to the bone dry, fire-prone area I'm in.

Serve me up some cheese to go with my whine. :-/

May 29, 2012

Barb I've heard that Trazadone can be a downer. It made my friend very down all the time and she thought she was depressed. She left Florida, moved to Maine and got off Trazadone and 25mgs. Zoloft. I have another friend who has the same issue with Trazadone.

Maybe it is contributing to your situation. It just caught my eye in your signature.

Your circumstances with spouse would bring anyone down. You need love and support and he can't give what he doesn't have. I was like that for me.

It sounds nice where you live. Can you make a point to go out daily for a good walk or horse back riding? A friend of mine used to tell me "move a muscle, change a thought." It works for me. Of course there have been many times where I didn't take her advise.

Lots of Cyber Hugs

May 29, 2012

Nikki,

That's very possible about the trazodone. Ive taken it for so long for sleep, but could try a slight decrease. I'm sure Klonopin is not helping either. You're right... my situation needs to change, most of all. I'm so weak right now that riding sounds like climbing Mt. Everest - getting ready is alot of work.... hoisting that heaaavy saddle waaay up there... I need a personal groom. Everything requires much more effort in the stifling heat. There was a tip on news show today to drink a full 8oz of water first thing in the morning. I'll have to try that. Sure can't hurt!

Nikki, does the heat in Florida bother you? Ive been there many times, but dont recall the heat bothering me and love the late afternoon cleansing rains. I had a meeting at South Seas Plantation during the summer years ago and the bugs were horrible - like swimming thru a sea of them. I don't recall what they were.

Thanks, friends! I don't know what I'd do without your support!

May 30, 2012

Ya know, I used to think my sister was so unhealthy because she's abused Fioricet (90 pills/week from internet) for years. Thought the acetaminophen component would surely do her liver in. Pretty ironic that I went the legal route, followed docs orders with all of the ADs, antipsychotics, lithium over 18 years. All for an undiagnosed endocrine problem masquerading as depression. She'll probably outlive me.

Sorry. Sometimes the absurdity of it all hits me.

June 1, 2012

I just posted this in another thread. The memory came to me as I was writing and it really triggered alot of garbage that needed to surface. I'm copying here to keep in my thread.

I did 2 Intensive Outpatient programs voluntarily just for something to do, to try to get myself back into a routine after not working for so long. Very bad idea! I had to see their psychiatrists who essentially forced me into detox for opiates that they claimed were not allowing SNRIs and neuroleptics to work. Nobody ever addressed the simple fact that I lost my career and desperately needed to feel needed and with purpose. It was demoralizing. The "field trips" were to grocery stores to learn how to shop for healthy foods, etc. I was SCREAMING on the inside! "I lost my purpose in life, not my brain!"

That was a really bad memory that I needed to confront.

June 1, 2012

Somebody referred to me as an "uber geek" today. I took that as a compliment.

June 3, 2012

I received an email last night from the friend who knows of my family issues. He asked if i knew that my parents moved out of our lifetime home this past week. I didn't. Mom is in nursing home and dad at apartment adjacent to nursing home. I'm still processing this information. It IS a good move and long overdue as mom had been falling often and extremely isolated. Dad had been talking about this move for at least 10 years; I've visited every nursing home/retirement living in the area with them over the years.

I am sad and angry at the way it has all happened, but it's just like my dad. I don't know my mother's condition - I was not able to handle any additional emotional surprises last night.

June 3, 2012

Sorry to hear about your parents moving without telling you.

Hugs for all that you are dealing with.

June 3, 2012

I received an email last night from the friend who knows of my family issues. He asked if i knew that my parents moved out of our lifetime home this past week. I didn't. Mom is in nursing home and dad at apartment adjacent to nursing home. I'm still processing this information. It IS a good move and long overdue as mom had been falling often and extremely isolated. Dad had been talking about this move for at least 10 years; I've visited every nursing home/retirement living in the area with them over the years.

I am sad and angry at the way it has all happened, but it's just like my dad. I don't know my mother's condition - I was not able to handle any additional emotional surprises last night.

Hi Barb,

I know this comes as a shock, but remember you have been distancing yourself from your parents ... at least that is the way it has appeared on the forum. As you state, it is a good thing that your Mom is in a nursing home now - she will get the care and support she needs. As for your Father - any idea whether he is still supporting your sister or not? Maybe there has been a significant shift.

Maybe once you have accepted this drastic change in your parents living situation you can correspond with your friend for more information about your Mom's condition.

Change is hard, but it is constant. Everything changes all the time. Hang in there my friend, you can handle this.

Karma

June 3, 2012

Karma,

Yes, this is a good move and I'm relieved that mother is in better care now. My anger is that father completely ignored my attempts to talk about this adult to adult over the years to the point that I had to remove myself from situation completely (which MAY have helped his decision).

Sister is still supported completely by him in house he bought for her. A google search last night showed all of the homes he's bought for her over years (in his name). 3 in my hometown and 1 in Florida. When she had fights or decided the neighbors were out to get her, he bought different place. Nothing extravagant, but seeing it highlighted the dysfunction. I can't imagine she'll ever support herself, but that's not my concern.

There's much more to the story that I just haven't been able to write about. I have a hunch I'll be learning things I'd rather not know in coming years. The Google search revealed ownership of a residence in a bad area of town that I knew nothing about. There we're rumors over the years that I chose not to believe...

June 3, 2012

Thinking of you and wishing only the best for you...

Tezza

June 4, 2012

Thinking of you and wishing only the best for you...

Thank you, Tezza. You are a special person and friend.

Just as FYI... Husband has been off of Effexor for ~2 months and seems back to his *norm* which is living in solitude, rarely interacting with people, sitting at computer or TV all day. He works remotely at home, so im not sure when he's working or playing solitaire online. He is still on Vyvanse, Wellbutrin, temazepam and Sonata (z- sleeper). He's functioning better than I am at this point. A marriage made by psychiatry.

Ive been unable to stay upright for several weeks now but fortunately, I suppose, dont have anything that I have to attend to. My energy is extremely low. Husband ignores me. I suspect it is combination of endocrine, drug effects, and lifestuff. I'll be ok. Just documenting.

June 4, 2012

Hi barb

Sorry to hear of your present situation, I do hope you will feel better soon so you can get out and about a little.

Your posts to me were really helpful, I just wish I could return the help in some way!

Thinking of you

Lots of hugs

Debbie x

June 4, 2012

BTY what's an "uber geek" :/

June 4, 2012

BTY what's an "uber geek" :/

Lol! Nerd, geek... what was known as "boring bookworm" in high school. I've accepted that I am exactly that. "Uber" means "the highest order, best at". Person who knows my insatiable curiosity and appetite to learn, research called me "Uber-geek". It's all good. I'm proud to fly my geek flag! Talk nerdy to me... The metaphors are endless

June 4, 2012

LOL!!!

June 7, 2012

I am beginning to dream again. Earlier this week I felt like I had been dreaming, but couldn't remember details. This morning I remembered a brief one: a helicopter was rescuing (plucking) someone from a ravine and I hitched a ride. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger was the rescuer. I understand the wanting to be lifted out of my situation. No idea why Arnold appeared!

June 7, 2012

Comment by Debbiejo on another thread prompted visual of dissociated "Barbs" all moving in opposite directions (picure Three Stooges) then collapsing in heap back where they/we started.

June 8, 2012

I hope this 11th hour is nearing its end and a breakthrough is coming. I feel like ive been hanging on by the skin of my teeth for over 10 years. This level of worthlessness is simply inconsistent with life. I havent been able to earn money - ie. Better myself - since 2001. Yes, I receive disability and medical benefits for which im thankful. However, there is a terrible sense of being "pushed in a corner" when unable to legally show income - everything seems to stop moving in a positive direction. Forced retirement 20 years early at fixed income. I know sometimes a medical leavev is necessary, but I would encourage anyone with ambition or goals in life to fight any doctor or system that is diagnosing you 'permanently disabled", even "permanently partially disabled", which is what I am. I've lost 11 prime earning years, retirement, and will never be able to compete on the job market with that gap plus a Work Comp injury. I realized today that even more important than money is the recognition I received when working. I never got kudos from my family and worked extra hard through school and career for those awards. I dont mean to brag;, im sure you all have many awards and more education. It's where I derived my identity, self worthy, etc. It becomes very tough to make myself needed on a daily basis for so many years. No kids to fill in the gap (my choice). It tales so little to give me a sense of accomplishment now. That bar has dropped very far so that's perhaps a good thing. Husband also overmedicated.

Having tough evenings again now. Just got message that mom probably has cancer Thklt is not treatable. Again, word from friend of family. Last week my drug addict sister (who earlier threatened to kill him) was calling him crying that our family is falling apart. She noticed after all these years of drug stupor. He works with psych inpatients, some forensic, but my family is most perplexing. We hid it so well for so long.

Thanks again for listening. I know I keep repeating myself. There just seems to be no escape from the rat wheel.

For anyone reading this and unfamiliar with my history... it's a lifetime of family/health/career issues never addressed during 18 years on drugs. The physical withdrawal has not been bad for me. However, the wreckage will take awhile to sift through.

B

June 9, 2012

Barb,

I'm so sorry about the news of your mother. I know you're going through a lot but you are stronger than you realize. You've already been through a lot and you give encouragement to others here on a daily basis from what little I can manage to make myself read. Sometimes I get so low in mood that it hurts way too much to read about others suffering so badly. You, on the other hand are always offering helpful advice, sharing research or experience and just brightening someone's day. You're gonna make it past the 11th hour and shine like the bright star that you've always been. Hang on a little longer. {{{HUGS}}}

about me · June 9, 2012

Having tough evenings again now. Just got message that mom probably has cancer Thklt is not treatable. Again, word from friend of family.

Hi Barb, I too am sorry to hear or your mother's illness. You are in a situation where you are mourning both your mother, and your alienation from her. Most difficult, but you need to keep both in mind to sort through present grief, and that which is coming. Doing so will help you avoid something called "complicated grief".. a term I like because it conveys a layered concept of loss. Big Hug ~S

June 9, 2012

Thanks. Dad is calling hospice in. Ill be heading back there.

about me · June 9, 2012

Thanks. Dad is calling hospice in. Ill be heading back there.

Glad your Dad is calling hospice. When will you be leaving? Wishing what's best. ~S

June 9, 2012

So sorry Barb....it hurts no matter what our relationship has been with relatives. Glad your Dad is calling in Hospice. They will make your mom very comfortble. I worked at Hospice briefly.

Barb I wish I could give you an answer on how to proceed with finding some type of work to satisfy your feelings of missing the independence. Work keeps my mind in a better place. You are extremely intelligent and so easy to speak with. Let your mind think about what you love to do, and maybe from there you can come up with an idea about working again.

You don't have to return to an office. Maybe something on your own and at your own pace would be better.

Try meditating and/or journaling and let the pen flow. See what ideas come to you.

Hugs

June 10, 2012

Thanks. Dad is calling hospice in. Ill be heading back there.

Barb

I'm so sorry that it has come to this, but I agree that Hospice is a wonderful organization and they are helpful to both the patient and the family. My brother used to be a bereavement counselor with a major hospice organization. His training was very helpful when we were losing my dad.

Stay in touch with us when you go back - we are here for you and will support you through any emotional aerobics the situation puts you through.

I did want to say to your early post that it is false to define your value by the job you do, the career you have, the product you produce, the car you drive or the clothes you wear - the value in you is your soul's experience in this world and through the people you touch (even through the animals you touch). I've heard it said that we are not here for ourselves, but we are here for the soul's we interact with in this lifetime.

If you feel the need to contribute in a meaningful way ... and it sounds like you do ... look into volunteering for a cause that you have passion about. Who knows, with your mind you could begin volunteering and then be invited to sit on the board of directors!

I truly love you Barb even though I don't know what your physical form looks like, but I do know what your soul looks like and I'm glad to know you.

Karma

June 10, 2012

Thank you all. You mean so much to me.

June 11, 2012

The past few days I've been "reframing" what I do with my time. I read - ALOT. I had been beating myself up feeling like I was wasting time, being lazy and unproductive. Just for the heck of it, I forwarded everything I read to my own email and a friend. It was revealing. I consume quite a bit of info, mostly medical, but also horse/veterinary, psychology, philosophy. I comment here and there on blogs and articles.

It helped me feel a bit better about how I spend my time.

June 12, 2012

ICK ICK ICK

My oldest horse is not well. Vet was out about a month ago and found nothing specific except lameness, not unexpected in geriatric horses. Labwork normal but we've suspected Cushings for long time (on the end/late stage of metabolic syndrome spectrum). Treatment is Pergolide, a DOPAMINE AGONIST. Really??? I cant seem to get away from this stuff. Suspected pituitary tumor. I don't know if I will proceed with that. Longer life does not equal quality of life. There are herbals that may help - chastreeberry (vitex). The endocrine system rules the world, or mine, at any rate.

I woke early this morning to 2 of them on the patio waiting for me to get up (really, it has NOTHING to do with the feed - it's that they love ME!). My big ole guy, Gatsby, was laying in the compost pile (manure). He rarely lies down. I thought he was dead. Choosing the manure pile is something I dont understand and ive made a study of wild horse/herd behavior. Yesterday he was eating poop right out of the dumpster. This is normal in foals in attempt to populate gut with beneficial flora from adult horse. Ive even seen my vet give "manure tea" through an NG tube. Ok, yeah- YUCK! Sorry for TMI.

Technical term = copraphagia. Older horses should not be copraphagic. Waiting to collect a stool sample.

Gatsby is my main man. I cant explain his significance in my life. It feels like death is everywhere and no life is replacing it.

It's morning. Ill be better later.

ICK. everything is ICK.

about me · June 13, 2012

Gatsby is my main man. I cant explain his significance in my life. It feels like death is everywhere and no life is replacing it.

ICK. everything is ICK.

Hi Barb, I'm very sorry to hear about Gatsby. You must be very worried indeed. I don't know much about Chushings, but do have a friend who has a Pituitary tumor (not malignant). That is a very big deal.. I'll be watching for more updates. ~S

June 13, 2012

Even though I have not been here, I have thought of you often too, sorry for all the tough things you have to face. Hugs to you.

June 13, 2012

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you as you face so many difficulties. Sending virtual ((hugs))

June 13, 2012

I woke early this morning to 2 of them on the patio waiting for me to get up (really, it has NOTHING to do with the feed - it's that they love ME!).

Isn't it great to be loved by an animal?

I know you are going through a difficult time with the horses - I am sending you courage, love and light.

Karma

P.S. Did you ever go to Nashville?

Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

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