Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks everyone. I appreciative you all so much.

 

Nothing conclusive on Gatsby. I'm not going to do any extensive workup and he's not in apparent distress, just vague changes I notice that aren't natural for him or a healthy horse. He also may be picking up on my distress.

 

I'm still in California. Having a very tough time doing anything that requires thought or planning: packing, reservations, plan for horsecare (great neighbors very helpful). I'm not functioning well at all and have no help. Dissociating is bad. Cant use the phone. I dont understand and hard to explain.

[Skyler]

Thanks everyone. I appreciative you all so much.

 

Nothing conclusive on Gatsby. I'm not going to do any extensive workup and he's not in apparent distress, just vague changes I notice that aren't natural for him or a healthy horse. He also may be picking up on my distress.

 

I'm still in California. Having a very tough time doing anything that requires thought or planning: packing, reservations, plan for horsecare (great neighbors very helpful). I'm not functioning well at all and have no help. Dissociating is bad. Cant use the phone. I dont understand and hard to explain.

 

I hope Gatsby is not in any pain. Sounds like he knows something is up, and also responding to you? Sorry you are feeling so low. Not using the phone is more isolating, what makes it so hard to make calls. Dissociation, take the diagnostic tag away and describe how you experience this.~S

[Rhiannon]

Hey Barb, I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Hard to find words, what I really want is to just give you a hug and sit with you. You're going through so much right now. Grief is hard. Pain is, well, painful.

 

I want you to know that I'm so glad you're here, so glad you're you, so glad to know you. You've been a friend to me, you've made me laugh, you've made me think, you've helped me feel better about myself and my life. You make a difference to people, probably more than you know.

 

I know mental hugs aren't worth much, but (((hugs))) anyway. Thank you for being you.

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, Rhi. That means alot to me - and right backatcha.

 

The emotional aerobics (great term, Karma!) are starting. Aside from my self-induced ones, that is. "You need to get home... you should be here helping your mother... your father is falling apart... " This is the day I've been dreading for many years.

Maybe part of the reason I stay out of communication.

 

Not lovin' life at the moment.

[Nikki]

Barb your Mom is in Hospice and your beloved horse is not doing well. It's sad stuff and I feel for you. Don't knock yourself in any way. Hard to cope with it all at once.

 

Give yourself some compassion, just like you would for one of us...

 

Like you when I post in the AM I am not exactly happy, joyous and free. My posts are much better later on in the day.

 

Your Mom is in the best possible place.

 

 

(((hugs))))

[Karma]

I say we all jump on planes and fly out to Barb's to give her hugs

 

Love ya, Barb

 

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Aaaww! I'm feeling the love! Thanks!

[meistersinger]

I say we all jump on planes and fly out to Barb's to give her hugs

 

Love ya, Barb

 

Karma

 

Last time someone tried to hug me physically I nearly freaked out. Now I understand why.

[Barbarannamated]

AAAAAHHHHHH! !!! Family!

 

Psychosister in action. Sorry for the label, but occasionally it fits.

 

EDIT: Took mom to ER from nursing home, unrelated to psychosister activity.

[Barbarannamated]

Flight back to hometown in AM. Must get taxi to airport ($100) because it will interfere with hubby's walk (not a group walk or charity walk, just a walk alone around the neighborhood).

Yep, he said that.

 

On unrelated note....My genepool scares me.

[Skyler]

On unrelated note....My genepool scares me.

 

10% genes, 90% nurture..

 

Your hubby.. sigh. He is very angry at the world, and at present, that is you.

How long are you going to be in your hometown?

[Barbarannamated]

10% genes, 90% nurture..

 

Your hubby.. sigh. He is very angry at the world, and at present, that is you.

How long are you going to be in your hometown?

 

Eeeck. Neither nature nor nurture are looking encouraging right now.

 

I suppose I'll be there until she dies. It sounds imminent.

 

The husband's regusal to take ne to airport really knocked me flat. I shouldnt be surprised, but continue to be. Isnt that a bit like the definition of insanity?

[Skyler]

 

Eeeck. Neither nature nor nurture are looking encouraging right now.

 

I suppose I'll be there until she dies. It sounds imminent.

 

The husband's regusal to take ne to airport really knocked me flat. I shouldnt be surprised, but continue to be. Isnt that a bit like the definition of insanity?

 

Just remember, it's a statement about him, not you. All the best for your flight and arrival tomorrow. And that will be about your family, not you. Your time is coming, and it will be better than either. ~S

[Barbarannamated]

Well, a 7:40am flight on my own was a bit too ambitious. Maybe later.

[Karma]

Doing the same things over and over the same way and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

 

I'm sorry for the lack of support you are experiencing; please know that we love you and support you.

 

Karma

[Skyler]

Well, a 7:40am flight on my own was a bit too ambitious. Maybe later.

 

oops...

[Barbarannamated]

I was up at 4am or so without alarm, but the morning cortisol effect is still with me - not anxiety, but dreadful-cannot-function thinking. I couldn't fathom getting suitcases together, showering, calling taxi, wrangling suitcases in airport, etc. I'm physically weak and executive function is gone. I lucked out on a cheap ticket on Southwest yesterday (online only deal for $150 or so). I can't describe the lack of cognitive function, especially until noon. I know it's still withdrawal - related, but not certain what is thyroid neuro damage, etc.

 

The level of antidepressant-induced apathy and given-up-ness with both of us polydrugged for nearly 2 decades is indescribable. If something is not absolutely necessary, it doesn't get done. We both used to be ambitious people so I have to believe some of this is due to drugs.

[Karma]

Traveling is stressful if it is not part of your normal routine. I will get severe anxiety if I don't go about it in a planned and coordinated, way.

 

Here is what I do. I make a list of what to pack and another list of what to do to enable the trip to the airport. Then a few days before the trip I get the appropriate sized suitcase out (with rollers on it) and practice pack. Then I leave what I won't need in the next day or two in the suitcase and the night before I leave I pack everything else I can and check it off my list. The next day after I dress, I complete packing and check the rest of things off of the list. (I put the list in the suitcase so that I can make sure I pack all my stuff to bring it home).

 

I start staging stuff like back up medicine in a corner of my bedroom so that I will have it ready to pack and not forget it. I also stage toiletries in a corner of the bathroom so they will all be together when I get ready to pack them.

 

On the other list I write the things I need to do to enable to the trip to the airport. On this list I have stuff like print the coupon for the parking garage where I will park the car, check-in to the airline online (some time in the 24 hours before the flight), print out the boarding pass, turn off the alarm clock (I'm sure it drives the cat nuts when we leave and don't turn it off because it gets louder until you turn it off) and anything else I need to care for. I also plan when I need to be at the airport, when I need to be at the parking garage, when I need to leave the house, by when I need to be ready to walk out the door, etc. This may seem a little OCD, but it works for me and helps reduce the anxiety.

 

You can probably arrange for the taxi a day or so in advance of the trip.

 

If your thinking is not clear enough to even come up with these lists, you are definitely going to need help, if you still intend to go. My fear for you is that given your state you may not be able to cope with the challenges you will face when you get to your destination. Is there any chance that as unhelpful has hubby has been that if you specifically ask for him to help you go back home to see your mother that he might step outside of his self and help you?

 

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Karma. You are so sweet.

 

I used to travel frequently for work and even after tapering, I was driving around country by myself. These last several months have done me in. Husband's function is slightly better than mine. He never went for a walk today. Has been in bed most of day.

 

I keep thinling I can do it, but each bit of news from back there puts me down for a few days. I dont know if im physically or emotionally strong to handle it.

 

I try to think about it and fall asleep. Stress response, I assume. I feel very unwell.

 

I keep getting messages "she's getting worse" like "countdown's on". It's an ugly situation. Sister is not doing well, cousins are afraid of her. Just a mess. Im not coping well.

[Nikki]

Barb from in the short time I've know you, you have been a source of reason for me. You are intelligent and insightful. Your scared and not feeling well physically, is in the mix here.

 

Sounds like anticipatory anxiety. Traveling under wonderful circumstances gives the calmest of people anticipatory anxiety. Can you step outside yourself for a few minutes and talk to yourself the way you would speak to me if I were going thru this?

I know you would give me the best possible guidance.

 

And Barb.....if you can't do it ~ you can't do it. Whatever you do please don't beat yourself up.

 

Ask your husband? You have nothing to lose.......

 

We are all here for you.

 

(((hugs))))

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, Nikki. Your support means the world to me. This situation is so f*** up. Sister sounds like she's escalating. I don't know if my presence there would be calming to her or aggravating. She's verbally threatened to kill me several times in the past. She's heavily self medicated. I dunno. Got so much swirling around in my head. Each little contact from home area or anyone related is triggering me. Mostly people know to leave me alone. I'm losing my grip on reality. I hardly ever drink but had a margarita last nite. It helped a bit.

 

Another early morning. I did wake with palpitations today, but it settled down fairly quickly.

I feel like a completely different person later in the day. It is freaking me out - feels *psychotic* for lack of a better descriptor. My perceptions and thinking feel like a different person later in the day. I have to believe this is withdrawal and/or hormonally-mediated.

 

Husband never went on that important walk that prevented him from taking me to airport yesterday. What a jerk.

[Skyler]

Thank you, Nikki. Your support means the world to me. This situation is so f*** up. Sister sounds like she's escalating. I don't know if my presence there would be calming to her or aggravating. She's verbally threatened to kill me several times in the past. She's heavily self medicated.

 

Another early morning. I did wake with palpitations today, but it settled down fairly quickly.

I feel like a completely different person later in the day. It is freaking me out - feels *psychotic* for lack of a better descriptor. My perceptions and thinking feel like a different person later in the day. I have to believe this is withdrawal and/or hormonally-mediated.

 

Barb, FOCUS. Does your mother still recognize you in any meaningful way. Would the chaos be less for you if you went home. Is staying in CA during this time better than if you visited or more difficult. Take your withdrawal feelings out of the equation if you can, and look to the way you will feel in future.. better if you go, better if you do not, and base your decision on this.~S

[Barbarannamated]

Schuyler,

THANK YOU for that. I don't know the answer, but have been thinking along those lines.

It's hard to take drug effect out of this because it's skewed my "reality" for so long and I cant reach what I feel. It's just chaos right now.

 

Somewhat unrelated ... I've made vague reference to "not doing well physically" to a few people I told in past about "endocrine failure". A few have responded recently with some version of "oh, I didnt know you were having health problems". One email from a cousin several months ago was especially interesting. I mentioned that "I'm having health problems now and am concerned about mom's care" and received response "glad you are doing well". I feel like I'm in a parallel universe much of the time.

[Skyler]

Somewhat unrelated ... I've made vague reference to "not doing well physically" to a few people I told in past about "endocrine failure". A few have responded recently with some version of "oh, I didnt know you were having health problems". One email from a cousin several months ago was especially interesting. I mentioned that "I'm having health problems now and am concerned about mom's care" and received response "glad you are doing well". I feel like I'm in a parallel universe much of the time.

 

Barb, LOL, Good try. Paralell Universe.. interesting, but off topic. FOCUS.

[Barbarannamated]

Perhaps later in the day I can focus.

[Skyler]

Perhaps later in the day I can focus.

 

Sigh.. not so easy to do, is it? I'm all too familiar.

[Barbarannamated]

My mother has had dementia diagnosis for many years - unspecified. Far worse in mornings. Kinda scary in a "behold my future, accelerated by years of drugs" way.

 

Thanks for allowing me to ramble.

[Nikki]

Going somewhere, especially for a sick mom can cause so many feelings, thoughts and bringing your sister into the pic is alot to deal with. The first time seeing everyone is the hardest. It's an entry into a world you don't see much of.

 

This is tough Barb. Remember to take care of yourself....

 

(((hugs)))

[Barbarannamated]

(Insert screaming emoticon)

 

People (NOT HERE!) see a snapshot of a situation and think they have a *duty* to tell me how im going to feel!! I just got a music video sent to me about dying patents and never having another chance to talk to them again. I hadn't thought of that.

 

Then... husband talking to his mother on phone ... tells her I had flight but wasn't feeling well enough to go. He skipped the part about not being able to take me to airport because it would interfere with his walk that he never did take, btw. I couldn't let that one go. I emailed his brother who lives with and cares for parents. Told him the full story. Asked him not to tell mom and dad. No need for elderly parents to know their son is ______ (fill in blank).

 

I'm just venting. No response expected!

 

You are all wonderful. I'm so thankful for your gentle guidance and support at one of worst times of my life so far.

[Barbarannamated]

I ran out of Vyvanse a few weeks ago. There is no obvious "withdrawal" for me as with SS/NRIs. But my thinking definitely gets tweaked without it - ruminating, lack of forethought or ability to break out of that ugly place.

 

I "borrowed" some from hubby. Feel much better and able to think ahead. I don't like that I seem to need this and my endocrinologist prefers I not take it, but have to find a way to get through this time with my head on -"straight" might be a stretch...

 

B

[Skyler]

[quote name='Barbarannamated' timestamp='1340039778' post='24663'I don't like that I seem to need this and my endocrinologist prefers I not take it, but have to find a way to get through this time with my head on -"straight" might be a stretch...B

Barb, do what ya gotta do.. leave any recriminations for laterz, and by that time you'll just be glad it's over.~S

[Karma]

Barb - how are you doing? I've been out of town (I feel like I am on another planet - no or limited access to the internet, virtually no TV, which is not all bad, but I feel very disconnected from my real life - I feel like I've gone back in time!)

 

Anyway, when I do get internet connectivity, like right now, I check your thread to see how you are doing. I am way behind in posts with the new comments now stretching to the second page, but I am concerned that we haven't seen any posts from you on your thread in days. Please let us know how you are doing - and know that I care, a lot!

 

Love and light,

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

 

Anyway, when I do get internet connectivity, like right now, I check your thread to see how you are doing. I am way behind in posts with the new comments now stretching to the second page, but I am concerned that we haven't seen any posts from you on your thread in days. Please let us know how you are doing - and know that I care, a lot!

 

Karma,

Thank you for your message and checking on me. Husband's family from Vegas was visiting his sister's family about an hour from us. I went for 2 days and it was very challenging. Everything is upsetting me - had to leave one function and broke down in car. His family asking about my mother, trying to offer support but nobody understands.

 

I had brief visual hallucination Thursday nite - similar to febrile hallucinations I had as kid. I started a thread. Husband had no response when I told him, then later said he didnt think I'd want to go on antipsychotics so what was he supposed to do? Scary that an MD thinks any hallucination is psychiatric. I suggested he brush on his neurology and played a TED video of Oliver Sacks, MD, (Neurologist) taking about hallucinations in visual and auditory impairment (any sensory deprivation).

 

A very disturbing few days. Feeling intense jealousy of his nieces/nephews half my age, starting their lives, families, careers. Good people and I hate not being able to feel happy for them.

 

Triggers, triggers everywhere. I just cant be around people.

 

His mom is very insightful and supportive.

 

May take me awhile to recover from past few days. My stress tolerance is zero.

[Barbarannamated]

I don't have a doctor to work with and I feel too weak to do anything about it. Husband will make no effort to help. I overhear him on phone telling people/family that "we're good/ok" and i wonder what world he's living in. His family seemed to have no knowledge that anything is wrong. Between my neck injury/chronic pain and "depression", Ive been vaguely unwell for so long. I think people assume it's just more of same and that MD hubby is in charge. In reality, he has no interest in helping. Im extremely confused and cant think. Each stress worsens the confusion.

 

I feel very alone and scared. I dont know what to do. I emailed Dr. Shipko to see if he would take me as patient (last week) but have not heard back.

[Sparrow]

I wish I had something helpful to say, but since I don't, here's a hug.

 

Hang on sweetie. Hang on.

 

Sparrow

[Barbarannamated]

I wish I had something helpful to say, but since I don't, here's a hug.

Hang on sweetie. Hang on.

Sparrow

 

Thanks, Sparrow. I appreciate the hug

 

I began to wonder if my situation is unusual and, no, it's not:

 

http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/800442?uid=3739560&uid=2460338655&uid=2460338415&uid=2129&uid=2&uid=70&uid=4&uid=83&uid=63&uid=3739256&sid=47699103407097

 

I get no free medical care - he refuses to treat any family (a respectable but frustrating thing). And "rich" is a S-T-R-E-T-C-H. If people really saw how we live, they'd be SHOCKED. 900 sq. ft. "scraper" we bought for the land.

 

ABSTRACT:

"Doctors' wives in the United States may be the "poor little rich girls" of the medical world. Surrounded by medical expertise, they receive surprisingly poor medical care; and they pay a heavy price for the care they do receive. This paper draws on interviews with doctors' wives in northern California to show how their access to doctors is restricted; how the doctors who do treat them are less accountable for their actions and decisions; how other health care personnel relate to them; and how they are affected by the free health care they receive. Ultimately, doctors' wives develop a kind of schizophrenia in dealing with their health problems and the medical world."