tezza: risperdal withdrawal

[Barbarannamated]

"I'm sorry" seems so insufficient..

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[areyouthere]

 

I got a phone all this morning that my cousin passed away last night. Ive tried to prepare myself, it wasnt unexpected.

 

Oh Tezza. I am so sorry for your losses. I have not yet experienced losses like this. I can't imagine how it must feel. Know we are here thinking of you .

[tezza]

Barb,

 

No it doesn't but I feel like I'm the one that should be saying I'm sorry for the whining I do when it comes to dealing with these losses. Watching my brother die for three weeks has traumatized me and that's been compounded by WD. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever LIVE again. Most of the nine people wouldn't have affected me to any great extent before my brother passed away at my house.

 

Will I ever get beyond this? I have so much to be thankful for so I get angry at myself for not focusing on the positives.

[Barbarannamated]

No it doesn't but I feel like I'm the one that should be saying I'm sorry for the whining I do when it comes to dealing with these losses. Watching my brother die for three weeks has traumatized me and that's been compounded by WD. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever LIVE again. Most of the nine people wouldn't have affected me to any great extent before my brother passed away at my house.

Will I ever get beyond this? I have so much to be thankful for so I get angry at myself for not focusing on the positives.

 

Tezza,

I'm having difficulty putting my feelings into words about this..

 

You are always empathetic, giving and encouraging to others. My mind is simply unable to grasp the term "whiney" in this context.

 

It's understable that you or anyone would feel anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal or most any emotion through all of this, but ~ please ~ not anger toward yourself! I honestly can't wrap my mind around it all nor imagine how I would be reacting or holding up in similar circumstances.

 

Please be gentle with yourself, my friend.

 

Love,

B

[Nikki]

[quote

I'm having difficulty putting my feelings into words about this..

 

You are always empathetic, giving and encouraging to others. My mind is simply unable to grasp the term "whiney" in this context.

 

It's understable that you or anyone would feel anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal or most any emotion through all of this, but ~ please ~ not anger toward yourself! I honestly can't wrap my mind around it all nor imagine how I would be reacting or holding up in similar circumstances.

 

Please be gentle with yourself, my friend.

 

Love,

B

\

 

You are the least whiny person I've met. You are always so good to me when I whine, and I belly-ache

[tezza]

Barb and Nikki,

 

Thank you both for your kind words. I love you both! Nikki, your posts are never whining in the least and neither are yours Barb. Big hugs to y'all!

 

Love,

 

Tezza

[vaseadude]

Tezza, I am also really sorry you had to deal with all those deaths. I really dont know how that must feel. I know you are a strong believer, have you tried to see if God is trying to tell you something through all those experiences?

[tezza]

Hi Vasea,

 

I have wondered why I seem to be surrounded by death and dying. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone and it will just keep happening until its 'my 'turn'. I feel I don't have any purpose in life anymore. Then, God protected me from the two guys in that experience I had last Friday night , so it's not quite my turn yet.

 

I've begun to fear the phone ringing to tell me of another death. If I totally stop posting, you will know it was 'my turn'.

 

I am a strong "believer", I just don't understand why I'm going through this and why I'm losing so many people, mostly relatives. One was my closest friend of a lifetime, she was only 51 years old. Her husband calls me sometimes, now, and I get very depressed after we talk because I can FEEL so much pain from his voice. I was her only friend and he is clinging to me for that reason. I honestly don't know how much more I can deal with but God does.

 

The trauma from watching my brother die at my house was the reason I went to the pdoc. I was grieving, which is normal, but I was very lonely because for the three weeks he struggled to hold onto life, relatives came and called daily. Once he passed away they seemed to forget about me. I tried to keep in touch with all of them.Only one aunt had very much time for me and she died about six weeks after my brother. She had a massive heart attack and wrecked her car.

 

I don't live near my relatives but the cousin that just died only lived about ten minutes from me. Last year he lived a five minute WALK from my house so we were in touch somewhat. It seems like they come back into my life for a brief time, then they die. So, yes, I definitely want to know what is going on with this. It scares me, depresses me and stresses me. My heart is broken repeatedly and loneliness is multiplied.

 

There are a few other relatives that I've managed to keep in touch with and I fear losing them now.

[vaseadude]

There is a saying, that if you really were worthless, the universe would just take you out of this reality in a second. So, Tezza, I think it's only you who can figure out the reasons for yourself.

[tezza]

I'm sure you are right, Vasea.

 

Hugs

[tezza]

Update:

 

I'm slowly starting to recover once again. I still have some sad and lonely times each day but not as deep and dark as I was last week. I still have moments when I wonder what my purpose for existing is. I guess that's common in WD. I have read other posts that are similar.

 

I wish we could all wake up one morning and be 'new'.

 

Sleep is improving; although, I have the occasional, here and there,that are not as good. I know I've said this before, but it could be, and has been a lot worse.

 

There is something I've been wondering about for a few months. I have something that feels kinda like a chill goes over my scalp or like my hair stands up. It goes from front to back, usually on the right side of my head. I haven't mentioned it before because I didn't know how to describe it. Does anyone else have this? If so, can anyone tell me what it is or what it means?

 

Muscle twitches have decreased greatly. Tinnitus is still with me but not as loud. The low mood is my worst symptom and has been all throughout WD.

 

If anyone can answer my question, I would be most grateful.

 

Well wishes to all,

 

Tezza

[Nadia]

Tezza,

 

I am so sorry for your losses. It seems I've been surrounded with death this year as well, more than any other in my life, and others around me say the same.

 

I hope the sadness is offset by the birth, and happy belated birthday as well.

 

BTW, we once were robbed in Spain with that very sam flat tire method! Glad you weren't a victim!

 

May your path go ever forward!

[tezza]

Nadia,

 

Thank you for that reply, now I don't feel so alone. I'm not glad these same things have been happening to you but it helps, knowing someone can understand. When I was reading your thread, I could relate to the feelings you had as well. We all share a lot of the same feelings but when we share the same experiences, we can say, "I know how you feel", sorta.

 

The main reason I posted about that 'flat tire, robbery/assault attempt was to warn others that it is happening and to beware. The reason I said slash assault is I would have probably tried to fight them. I dunno though because it happened so fast. I'm glad your family wasn't hurt physically; although anyone that's ever been robbed do feel similar to being raped. It's just the invasion, I think.

 

I sure hope things get better for you soon. You are very strong to have survived so much and held on to your sanity. I pray Blessings for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Tezza

[tezza]

 

There is something I've been wondering about for a few months. I have something that feels kinda like a chill goes over my scalp or like my hair stands up. It goes from front to back, usually on the right side of my head. I haven't mentioned it before because I didn't know how to describe it. Does anyone else have this? If so, can anyone tell me what it is?

 

Tezza

 

[tezza]

I feel like I'm living in "the world of the forgotten", so why am I STILL living...

[Nadia]

Hi, Tezza. Luckily it was a no violence robbery. a second guy who seemed very friendly offered to help change the tire. while he was doing that with my dad a third person reached in the car and stole my mom's purse while we were distracted. We felt so angry and violated, and mostly stupid for falling for it!

 

I hope there are easier times ahead for all of us!

[tezza]

Unfortunately, there are people who work hard so as not to work for a living. They put in some time, watching for vulnerable people and then they must wait for you to come back to your car. Yes, you feel violated, definitely. You are not stupid, though, because the surprise of the flat tire throws you off, so to speak. It happens too fast for you to realize until afterwards.

 

God help us all to get to better times, please.

[Barbarannamated]

I feel like I'm living in "the world of the forgotten", so why am I STILL living...

 

Tezza,

 

Can you explain this further?

 

I'm sorry I haven't been around more for you recently. I've been having a rough several days.

 

The head chill you describe sounds like a type of paresthesia or odd body sensation, perhaps related to brain zaps..? That's just a guess.

Love and hugs.

B

[tezza]

Hi Barb,

 

I'm sorry, I know you've been having a hard time.

 

No one has any time for me in my world. I call my daughter several times and she never returns my calls unless SHE WANTS something from me. No one ever has TIME for me just because they care about me. I'm not talking about the forum and I exclude my husband from this statement, as well. Friends, there are none. Well, there is that one lady I told you about but even with her I DO ALL THE CALLING. I feel very alone and I'm so tired of it.

 

I feel like God is the only one that has much time for me so I'd like to go live with Him.

[Barbarannamated]

No one has any time for me in my world. I call my daughter several times and she never returns my calls unless SHE WANTS something from me. No one ever has TIME for me just because they care about me. I'm not talking about the forum and I exclude my husband from this statement, as well. Friends, there are none. Well, there is that one lady I told you about but even with her I DO ALL THE CALLING. I feel very alone and I'm so tired of it.

I feel like God is the only one that has much time for me so I'd like to go live with Him.

 

Tezza,

 

Did you feel this way before withdrawing? The alone / separated feeling seems to be common among us and analytical Barb wonders if it is related to our need to REattach after being detached for so long while drugged.

 

I don't mean to minimize your feelings and pain in any way.

 

You are a very special person, Tezza. Your big heart shines through in all you say.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Nadia]

I know what you mean, Tezza.

 

Have you read this page from Beyond Meds?

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2011/10/06/invisibleillness/

 

Lots of good stuff on there.

 

My boyfriend tries to be very supportive, and he's the least judgmental with me, and he even feels worn down. Other friends have a "snap out of it" kind of attitude. Like what I am going through can't possibly be real. Sometimes the best interactions I have are with strangers, where we just talk about things that don't have anything to do with what I'm going through.

 

Maybe your daughter is trying to separate from you, and feels dragged down by what you are going through? Maybe she just wants to forget because she feels overwhelmed. I wonder what would happen if you stopped calling her for a while... if that would make her take a step towards you. I don't know your situation, but mother/daughter stuff can be really complicated!

 

Hugs.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm so thankful we have each other!

 

One thing I'd add to the challenge of an "Invisible Illness" is an UNACKNOWLEDGED Invisible Illness. Also, if I remember correctly, Tezza... your daughter DC'd psychotropics without great difficulty..? Is she supportive of what you're going through?

 

This parallel universe is tough to live in. Very thankful to be in your good company.

[tezza]

Barb,

 

Thank you for taking time to talk to me. You are very special.

 

I started to feel like this after my brother died and no one in my family had time or interest in talking to me after his burial. It is worse now, while in WD. I have one cousin that talks to me now and then. Most of the time, though, I'm just very lonely with no one to talk to.

 

I can just imagine my two oldest children fighting over anything I may leave behind. Not that I have much of value, but I have two old stereos that I got when I was young, from my parents for Christmas. I have a piano that my daddy bought me when I was young, old 45RPM records, things like that. That's why I've told my youngest son to come and move all these things to his house tomorrow. He's been the only one, NOT trying to get anything from me.

 

Why should I care if the other two get upset when it seems they ONLY have time for me if they WANT something. My youngest just works so much that he has no time or energy. He has talked to me about it and said he feels bad for not having much time for me. It doesn't cross the minds of the other two. They have actually said things to me about 'leaving things to them'. That always made my youngest mad because he said he didn't want to think about me dying and what was left and that they shouldn't either.

 

It may be ugly of me but that's why I want the youngest to have the things that have been special to me. I have given some things to the other two already, anyway. They would have time to talk to me if they knew it meant they would get material goods out of it. So be it.

[tezza]

Nadia and Barb,

 

My daughter doesn't seem to care at all. When she is here, I'm not down or lonely, even if she is only here with her hand out. I'm a happy person when she brings my two precious grand babies. I have talked to her about these lonely feelings and she seems to care less. I have given to her and my oldest child so many times that they expect to be given to. I've helped them many times when I was working. Now, I'm not able to work or hand out like I used to, so I'm useless to them. It hurts when I look back at how they've done. I thought they would appreciate the help and help me if I ever needed it, like now. I was obviously wrong.

 

All I want is some of their time and love, they have no time for me.

 

Thank you both for listening and replying.

 

Hugs and love you both

[tezza]

I know what you mean, Tezza.

 

Have you read this page from Beyond Meds?

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2011/10/06/invisibleillness/

 

Lots of good stuff on there.

 

Maybe your daughter is trying to separate from you, and feels dragged down by what you are going through? Maybe she just wants to forget because she feels overwhelmed. I wonder what would happen if you stopped calling her for a while... if that would make her take a step towards you. I don't know your situation, but mother/daughter stuff can be really complicated!

 

Hugs.

 

 

I'm very careful not to seem down whenever I talk to anyone in person or on the phone, specifically for this reason. It doesn't matter how long I wait, she still doesn't call.

 

Thank you for this link, I will check it out.

 

Hugs.

[tezza]

I'm so thankful we have each other!

 

One thing I'd add to the challenge of an "Invisible Illness" is an UNACKNOWLEDGED Invisible Illness. Also, if I remember correctly, Tezza... your daughter DC'd psychotropics without great difficulty..? Is she supportive of what you're going through?

 

This parallel universe is tough to live in. Very thankful to be in your good company.

 

 

She knows that I'm having to taper the meds that she came off of quickly. She doesn't say much about it and neither do I, anymore. I try not to talk to people about the issues of WD for fear they won't desire to talk to me. I try to act as though 'everything is hunky dory' . It is indeed an 'invisible illness'. Only my friends here, know the truth.(and my husband, of course)

 

I realize how harsh I sound in the above posts about giving so many of my things to only one son but I've given special things to the other two only to learn that they sold later. My youngest son has NEVER asked for anything and has NEVER stolen from me. There's more to the whole situation but I'd rather not go into ALL, because it hurts.

 

Hugs and healing to everyone...

[tezza]

 

The head chill you describe sounds like a type of paresthesia or odd body sensation, perhaps related to brain zaps..? That's just a guess.

Love and hugs.

B

 

 

Thank you for that answer, Barb, I wondered if it might be related to zaps or if that was what some call 'brain shivers'.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

Love and hugs

[Altostrata]

tezza, those funny feelings on your scalp would fall into the category of "parasthesias," a very common withdrawal symptom.

 

It sounds like you're stabilizing again, good for you.

[tezza]

Alto,

 

Thank you, I'll have to look that word up. I've had that symptom for several months.

 

Other than that I'm just sad and lonely. The only socializing my husband and I have done since I've been in WD has been with an older couple. We've been going out to eat with them a couple of times a week. She and I did talk on the phone daily. He's been getting sicker the whole time and had surgery to remove a huge blood clot from his bladder Tuesday. The urologist said he saw something and needs to do a biopsy as soon as he's able. (On prostate)

 

He's been telling his wife what to do with everything when he's gone. She's been unable to talk on the phone because she's constantly talking to him about preparations. Not only have I lost my only person to talk to, I'm fearing the worst will happen to him. At first, I tried to believe the best, like they caught it early. Since she called me for a few minutes today, however; I'm afraid to hold out much hope.

 

I've been so low that my husband is gone to get new hardwood. I'm hoping that will give me some motivation as far as the house is concerned. I cried all morning. I can't take much more sadness, if we lose that friend, my world will change drastically. I'm so afraid and I think it's normal but compounded by WD.

 

I know y'all are tired of hearing my sad stories. I apologize.

 

Love you all

[Karma]

Dear sweet, Tezza, I'm so sorry for your loneliness and the sadness that seems to swirl around you. I have no children and sometimes that is lonely, but I can only imagine that if I did have children and they didn't seem to have time for me that it would be so much worse.

 

I think that I would feel very lonely if I didn't work ... one of the things I enjoy most from my work is the human interaction with all kinds of people.

 

I'm thinking of you and sending your healing energy, strength, courage, love and light.

 

 

Karma

[tezza]

Karma,

 

Thank you so much for your kindness and even more for your friendship. Please keep me in your prayers.

 

Love, light and healing to you.

 

Tezza

[Nadia]

Tezza,

 

Socializing is a tough one... you need it to stay connected, but it's hard to initiate new friendships when you're feeling low. I'm feeling pretty isolated myself. I hope some new friendships find their way into your life. I'm sorry to hear your children don't make more of an effort to spend time with you. That must be very painful...

[areyouthere]

Tezza,

 

I just read this thread. I'm sorry things are so low for you now. It must be very frightening to dread the thought of a loss right now. I'm referring to the gentleman who is sick.

 

I've experienced that before... my father died of a stroke, my half brother 6 months later and then my husband's grandfather got ill.... but lived for quite some time. I remeber thinking I just didn't thnk I could handle another loss. The dread was a crippling fear.

 

Have you noticed that you experience low times around this time of year? The reason I ask is that I do. If I am going to have a low, low time it will be between now and the end of November as we lose so much sunlight during these two months . That affects me quite a bit. Just knowing it is the loss of sunlight makes it easier to handle.

 

I hope that you feel better soon. How was today?

[tezza]

Nadia,

 

It is very painful when they refuse to give me some of their time. I bend over backwards to try to make life easier for them in any way I possibly can. I love them with all my heart and I do understand that they have their own lives now. I just want a tiny portion of their time, not a lot. I only hear from them if they want or need something. My husband came home one day and our oldest was here, my husband said "hey, what do you need?" I know that sounds bad but we both know if they are here, it's for a specific need. Sad...

 

They usually need to 'borrow' something. They never come just to visit and never call, just to talk.

 

I once told Barb that if I had money, I'd buy her a house and I'd buy myself a friend. It wasn't an insinuation that her friendship needed to be bought. She and all of you here are the best friends anyone could hope for. I wish I had a real-life friend, though, one to interact with.

 

Love you,

 

Tezza

[tezza]

Tezza,

 

I just read this thread. I'm sorry things are so low for you now. It must be very frightening to dread the thought of a loss right now. I'm referring to the gentleman who is sick.

 

I've experienced that before... my father died of a stroke, my half brother 6 months later and then my husband's grandfather got ill.... but lived for quite some time. I remeber thinking I just didn't thnk I could handle another loss. The dread was a crippling fear.

 

Have you noticed that you experience low times around this time of year? The reason I ask is that I do. If I am going to have a low, low time it will be between now and the end of November as we lose so much sunlight during these two months . That affects me quite a bit. Just knowing it is the loss of sunlight makes it easier to handle.

 

I hope that you feel better soon. How was today?

 

 

Hi areyouthere,

 

Thank you for stopping by and asking. Today was sad. I never used to get low before my brother passed away here in my home. Since then, I've averaged another loss about every six weeks. You are so right about the crippling fear.

 

Our friend seems to have given up already and that's hurting me. He was always fun to be around, always cheerful, bright attitude, now preparing to die. I hope so badly that he is wrong but I fear he has an instinct or something. Only he knows how sick he's been because he was trying to be strong for his wife.

 

Thank you for your warm wishes. I hope you do well with your tapers, too. I also hope all goes well with the school business (your check).

 

Hugs,

 

Tezza

[tezza]

I had nightmares last night, horror movie type. I don't know how many times I woke up throughout the night. The first dream was one that kept me awake for at least an hour. I hate that! I kept getting the overheated waking, too.

 

Tinnitus is a bit louder today. Anxiety is a bit worse today, as well. Depression has been MUCH worse than today, so for this, I'm thankful. Just what I call 'low mood' today.

 

I think part of my low mood and anxiety is due to the fact that we have to return the laminate wood flooring my husband bought over the weekend. It needs an underlayment that would cost over half as much as the flooring itself cost. The carpet has already been took out, as of yesterday so now I have a particle board sub-floor for a while. It could be worse, I know, and I need to count my blessings. I should have gone with my husband to help him pick out the flooring. We put a laminate wood in a bedroom a few yrs ago and it didn't need underlayment. I just read that this morning about this one needing it. God bless him for trying so hard to cheer me up.

 

I really need to be thankful for a lot of things and stop being negative. I am thankful, just need to be more thankful.

 

Hugs and healing to all