marconyc: introduction

[marconyc]

Thanks so much @manymoretodays

 

My wife is feeling more comfortable about the pregnancy. We had a scare because she's been spotting, but the ultrasounds look good. She is 8 weeks pregnant now.

 

I checked your math and it looks correct to me: a 10% reduction from my current dose would be .010 on my scale, for a dose of .22mg. 

 

I do feel comfortable trying a 10% reduction at this point. I'll update my signature, and thank you for rearranging!

 

By the way, when I travel, I pre-weigh enough doses for the trip instead of traveling with the scale. 

 

Thanks again for all your help. I'll start the taper today and keep you posted.

 

 

[marconyc]

Today is my 9th day at 0.22mg of Abilify. Yesterday and today I've been feeling more anxious and depressed. Maybe I'm finally feeling the effects of the reduction; but also, my wife and I had our first OB appt today, so I might be reacting to that as well. The appt went fine, thank God. My wife is 9 weeks pregnant, and she and the embryo are healthy. But the whole thing is pretty overwhelming. 

[RichT]

Hi Marconyc,

 

I bet it is! I’m glad everything is ok with your wife and the pregnancy.

 

I hope your anxiety and depression passes soon

 

R

[marconyc]

2 minutes ago, RichT said:

Hi Marconyc,

 

I bet it is! I’m glad everything is ok with your wife and the pregnancy.

 

I hope your anxiety and depression passes soon

 

R

Thanks, @RichT. I appreciate the kind words. How are you doing?

[RichT]

Just now, marconyc said:

Thanks, @RichT. I appreciate the kind words. How are you doing?

 

I’m pretty stable, I think you could call it wdnormal - hoping i’ll feel better soon, but able to cope with the current level of symptoms. I count myself very lucky that re-instatement worked for me - so many people have problems with it!

[marconyc]

2 minutes ago, RichT said:

 

I’m pretty stable, I think you could call it wdnormal - hoping i’ll feel better soon, but able to cope with the current level of symptoms. I count myself very lucky that re-instatement worked for me - so many people have problems with it!

Glad to hear it, @RichT

[marconyc]

Really fatigued today. I actually think the fatigue is a reaction to increased anxiety. I sometimes get discouraged or depressed when I notice heightened anxiety. I think “Great, here we go again. I’ll never be free of this anxiety.” Then I end up in a funk. I really want to be free of the Abilify. Tiny cuts really have an effect on me.

[marconyc]

Well, the fatigue was from a stomach virus. I’ve been trying to do too much. My wife is exhausted from the pregnancy, so I’m doing all the chores. Also, she is really nervous about motherhood, so I spend a lot of time each day trying to listen and calm her down. My job continues to be busy as well. 

 

Being sick is is making me even more anxious and depressed. I feel pretty crummy right now. I feel like I’m never going to feel like myself and that I really screwed up royally by trying to come off Zoloft. How am I 2.5 years post-reinstatement and still feeling like garbage? Most people on here at least can say they aren’t on their meds anymore. I’m still on mine and feel bad. 

 

Today is the 13th day at .22mg Abilify.

 

I hate these drugs and I hate my anxiety and depression and I hate withdrawal. I’m sick of this. SICK OF THIS.

 

[manymoretodays]

15 hours ago, marconyc said:

Today is the 13th day at .22mg Abilify.

 

Could be due to ^ this too, Marco........I mean at least a little bit of your symptoms might be WD.  Right?

You are doing great!  All things considered. 

 

15 hours ago, marconyc said:

Most people on here at least can say they aren’t on their meds anymore. I’m still on mine and feel bad. 

 

Many are still on their meds, or some of their meds.  You are doing the amazing work of HOLDING and cautious tapering. 

I wish I had been so enlightened to do so myself. 

 

Hope you get some window like moments today marco!  I do.  You will.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[marconyc]

Thanks @manymoretodays some days I just feel like I'm back at square one. I'm sure that I am feeling some WD, plus I had a stomach bug, and work is super busy and frustrating, and my wife is extremely emotional...

[wantrelief]

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you are doing really well, marco, given the circumstances.  You have a lot on your plate and are doing the best you can.  You also are doing great with your aripiprazole taper. 

[marconyc]

Thanks @wantrelief You have no idea how helpful it is to hear that. Or maybe you do, because you're going through this as well. I'm trying so hard to get through this. I hope you are doing well with your taper. 

[RichT]

21 hours ago, marconyc said:

Well, the fatigue was from a stomach virus. I’ve been trying to do too much. My wife is exhausted from the pregnancy, so I’m doing all the chores. Also, she is really nervous about motherhood, so I spend a lot of time each day trying to listen and calm her down. My job continues to be busy as well. 

 

Being sick is is making me even more anxious and depressed. I feel pretty crummy right now. I feel like I’m never going to feel like myself and that I really screwed up royally by trying to come off Zoloft. How am I 2.5 years post-reinstatement and still feeling like garbage? Most people on here at least can say they aren’t on their meds anymore. I’m still on mine and feel bad. 

 

Today is the 13th day at .22mg Abilify.

 

I hate these drugs and I hate my anxiety and depression and I hate withdrawal. I’m sick of this. SICK OF THIS.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel!

[marconyc]

What’s up @RichT how are you feeling?

 

 

[Rosetta]

Marco,

 

Hey.  I'm sorry to see you struggling.  You will feel like yourself again eventually.  But put that aside if you can and just take care of yourself.  Are you getting some exercise and sunlight everyday?  I hope so.  

 

Thinking of you, Rosetta

[marconyc]

Thanks @Rosetta I went for a run today and I’m feeling a bit better. I appreciate the kind words and hope you’re doing well.

[marconyc]

Went for a run last night and mowed the lawn. It was a lovely spring night. Felt a little better last night and still feeling pretty decent this morning. 15th day at .22mg Abilify. 

 

Thank you, SA peeps, for checking in and encouraging me. It's been a huge help. 

[marconyc]

Today is the 21st day at 0.22mg of Abilify. I’m feeling WD normal. Actually my WD normal continues to improve over time—slowly, and not linearly, but it is getting better. I’ve had a few difficult days that I believe are due to my constantly working and doing chores. My wife is exhausted because of the pregnancy so I’m doing everything around the house. I’m feeling some frustration and resentment about it even though I know that’s not rational or fair. I want her to rest. I’m just tired and there’s always something else to do. Normally we split the chores pretty evenly. Also, I wanted to go to the beach this weekend but she doesn’t feel up to it. I guess I feel like all I do is work and I’m not doing anything fun for myself. Sorry if I’m coming across as a martyr, but all work and no play is making me dull, angry, and depressed. It’s a pattern with me that goes back to childhood. For me, the depression often takes the form of anhedonia and thoughts of “What’s the point of anything?” Those thoughts then trigger anxiety and rumination about the meaning of life.

 

On a positive note, the weather is gorgeous, the park is in bloom, my lawn is coming in nicely, and my dogs are happy and healthy. I’ll go for a run later, which almost always improves my mood.

 

I did 30 minutes of meditation yesterday. I feel so much better when I make time for that.

 

I hope everyone is hanging in there and doing okay.

[wantrelief]

Just now, marconyc said:

Actually my WD normal continues to improve over time—slowly, and not linearly, but it is getting better

This is great news, marco!  It is hopeful to know WD normal can improve over time.

[RichT]

Hi Marconyc,

 

Could you pay someone to come in and do some of the chores for you?

 

R

[marconyc]

@wantrelief That’s been my experience: a very slow, non- linear improvement in my WD normal over time. Keep in mind that while I’m tapering off Abilify, I’m still at 200mg Zoloft. Reinstating Zoloft helped me somewhat. Maybe if I hadn’t reinstated, it would be much more difficult for me to discern any improvement in WD normal. But I do think it’s worth paying attention to any changes, even very subtle ones, in baseline functioning. Noticing small improvements helps maintain faith in the process and one’s capacity to heal. 

[marconyc]

@RichT That’s a good idea. I can’t afford it, unfortunately. But I could, for example, ask family for some help.

[RichT]

2 minutes ago, marconyc said:

@RichT That’s a good idea. I can’t afford it, unfortunately. But I could, for example, ask family for some help.

 

Great idea.

 

i’m glad your WD normal is improving!

[marconyc]

17 minutes ago, RichT said:

 

Great idea.

 

i’m glad your WD normal is improving!

 

How are you feeling @RichT

[RichT]

5 minutes ago, marconyc said:

 

How are you feeling @RichT

 

Better for the rest I’ve been having...but my stepdad has just gone into hospital with unexplained seizures and fainting, so i’m feeling concerned about him. He’s in his 80s so quite elderly, but he’s always been robust.

 

R

[marconyc]

Sorry to hear that @RichT I hope he’s okay

[marconyc]

Having a rough couple of days. Completely overwhelmed with work and the pregnancy. It's the end of first trimester this Wed, so hopefully things will get better. We've heard that the first trimester is particularly tough. 

 

My symptoms right now are anxiety, some depersonalization, and fatigue. Yesterday I slept most of the day, and this morning I woke up dreading work and the week. I'm still at 0.22mg of Abilify. 

 

 

[RichT]

Hi Marconyc,

 

Sorry to hear that. I think most parents-to-be feel overwhelmed at one time or another, perhaps even a lot of the time. I hope things get better for you at home and at work.

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

 

 

 

 

[marconyc]

Thanks @RichT 

 

Sometimes I beat myself up and say, "If I'd never tried to come off Zoloft, I wouldn't be in this situation. I can't even enjoy this experience." But then I sometimes think I might be experiencing these symptoms even if I'd never tried to come off Zoloft. Medications can poop out over time, and I've been on Zoloft for 19 years. Also, external stressors can cause breakthrough symptoms even when a medication is working well. 

 

I think I might need to cry a bit. And scream into a pillow. I feel frustrated.

[marconyc]

How are you doing, @RichT? How is your stepdad?

[marconyc]

I feel like garbage. I don't know if I'm in a wave due to withdrawal or if I'm just anxious and depressed, but all I want to do is sleep, except that I have terrible anxiety in the mornings. It's been like this since Sat. This morning I was so anxious that I dry heaved. I'm still managing to eat but it's hard. My suspicion is that work and the pregnancy are causing this increased anxiety, not withdrawal, because it's the 27th day at 0.22mg of Abilify and I had stabilized after a wave around the 14th day, which is usually when I feel the withdrawal from a cut. My therapist thinks the increased anxiety and depression I'm feeling right now is related to the pregnancy, especially what my wife is going through. She is freaked out and physically uncomfortable. Her hormones are all over the place, and she has been telling me that I'm not being supportive enough. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm really trying my best. 

 

I went for a run last night, which helped, but today I still feel bad. I really do not want to increase the dose of Abilify or use any Klonopin but right now I'm tempted to do one or both. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[marconyc]

@manymoretodays @Gridley It's been a month since my last Abilify cut. I'm not symptom-free, but I am feeling pretty much WD normal. I had a wave toward the start of the week, but it's resolving. The symptoms of the wave have been more anxiety-related than depressive, although the days of most intense anxiety were also accompanied by extreme fatigue, which seems counterintuitive to me. However, sometimes I think my nervous system tries to shut down when the anxiety gets too high--like it switches from hyperarousal to hypoarousal at some point. The fatigue has resolved, though in its place is a bit of insomnia. The other symptom that I've experienced during this last wave was depersonalization. This is a symptom I've experienced on and off since this episode of withdrawal began 2 and 1/2 years ago. Again, it seems like after a prolonged period of heightened anxiety, my nervous system tries to protect itself by switching into hypoarousal. According to a number of experts (eg, Allan Schore), hypoarousal is often accompanied by dissociative symptoms such as depersonalization. In my case, the depersonalization tends to be fairly transient; the real problem is my anxious reaction to it: I start to engage in compulsive self-observation, similar to illness anxiety or OCD. I keep checking my consciousness and perception and ability to think and communicate, trying to determine if I'm okay. This is one of the most distressing symptoms to me, but I'm doing my best to simply notice it and then calmly redirect my focus. At times it feels like the fight of my life. It is tempting to want to take a pill to eliminate it, but I would like to do everything in my power to manage it without any more medication.

 

In spite of this (receding) wave, I'm doing fairly well. I'm managing my work stress pretty well, taking my wife to appointments for the pregnancy, and making sure to exercise and eat right. 

 

Any thoughts on another 10% cut to the Abilify? I'm at 0.22 mgai/0.10 mgpw. A 10% cut would be 0.20 mgai/0.9 mgpw.

 

P.s. I have been somewhat lax in taking my vitamins, which include a multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, a probiotic, and a B-complex. Perhaps I should be more diligent about taking them. Have either of you found that vitamins or supplements have helped in your recovery?

[Gridley]

On 6/6/2019 at 12:37 PM, marconyc said:

 

Any thoughts on another 10% cut to the Abilify? I'm at 0.22 mgai/0.10 mgpw. A 10% cut would be 0.20 mgai/0.9 mgpw.

 

P.s. I have been somewhat lax in taking my vitamins, which include a multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, a probiotic, and a B-complex. Perhaps I should be more diligent about taking them. Have either of you found that vitamins or supplements have helped in your recovery?

 

Since on Tuesday you were feeling bad, I would hold a few more days or perhaps a week before making another cut.

 

We don't recommend multivitamins, because there are so many ingredients you can't tell if one is having a negative effect.  In withdrawal, B-complex can have an overly stimulating (anxiety-causing).

 

Hypersensitive to B Vitamin or B-Complex  

 

I would be more diligent with the magnesium and omegas.   I can't really tell about what the omegas are doing for me, but I can feel a definite calming effect from the magnesium (I use magnesium glycinate).  

 

[marconyc]

24 minutes ago, Gridley said:

 

Since on Tuesday you were feeling bad, I would hold a few more days or perhaps a week before making another cut.

 

We don't recommend multivitamins, because there are so many ingredients you can't tell if one is having a negative effect.  In withdrawal, B-complex can have an overly stimulating (anxiety-causing).

 

Hypersensitive to B Vitamin or B-Complex  

 

I would be more diligent with the magnesium and omegas.   I can't really tell about what the omegas are doing for me, but I can feel a definite calming effect from the magnesium (I use magnesium glycinate).  

 

 

Thanks, @Gridley Will do. 

[marconyc]

@Gridley @manymoretodays I waited a couple more days and then cut to 0.20 mgai of Aripiprazole on June 9. Today is the 9th day. I've actually been feeling pretty good. I hardly had any symptoms over the weekend and had quite a bit of fun, but today I'm feeling some depression and anxiety. This is usually about the time I feel the effects of a cut. 

 

Also, though, Father's day usually brings up some sadness about my dad, who passed away several years ago. 

[Gridley]

14 minutes ago, marconyc said:

I've actually been feeling pretty good. I hardly had any symptoms over the weekend and had quite a bit of fun, but today I'm feeling some depression and anxiety. This is usually about the time I feel the effects of a cut. 

 

Sounds like things are well under control.  Congratulations on getting so low.