Erell: struggling with paroxetine

June 11, 2022

Dear Erell

One thing that helps me with the intrusive thoughts is "doing what I came to do." If I need to drive somewhere, I focus on that, and remind myself I didn't get in the car to drive dangerously or open the door while we're moving. If I need to go shopping (which I hate, by the way), I remind myself I came to buy something, and not to yell out in public. I try to keep the realistic thoughts in the front of my mind. When the negative thoughts come, I remind myself "I didn't come to embarrass myself in public, I'm just going to do what I came to do and go home like I always do." I helps keep the obsessive thoughts in the back of my mind instead of controlling my behaviors. I hope you find relief and peace!

June 11, 2022

The constant battle with those thoughts is exhausting. Any type of distraction can be very helpful. The more you can "lose yourself" in a project the less time you will have for the blackness, and it will slowly lose its hold over you. The more attention you give it the more powerful it can become. I liken it to a bad house guest, if you ignore them long enough, they will finally leave.

It is wonderful to hear that the despair has improved so much, such a positive sign. Hopefully by slowly reducing the prozac things will improve even more.

Not experiencing anger is a really good thing. Anger can be such an uncontrollable emotion it can cause unwanted problems. Anger issues were why I started down the AD path so many years ago. It took a long time and a lot of work, but it is under control without the drugs. It will never really be gone, as I learned it too early in life, but it knows it's place and stays there most of the time. When it does show up, I know how to control it.

Don't worry about triggering me with dark thoughts. For the most part mine were a manifestation of the ADWD. The constant dealing with them is in the past and is no longer a problem. When they do show up I can dismiss them quite easily. We all have some very dark places inside us. It's just that we have learned that those things are not acceptable and we have to keep them in check. For many people the thoughts are just buried deep in the back closets of their mind and never come to light. For those of us who see them, we have to deal. A big problem many of us have is accepting that we can have such thoughts, accepting that we may just act on them, but knowing and trusting ourselves not to. The ADWD makes it a lot harder to handle, but that is a temporary thing and will heal with time.

Being afraid of losing one's mind is a very positive sign. It means you are not. Being afraid means, you are still in control and can do something about the situation. People who "lose their minds" don't know it has happened which creates a whole different situation. You haven't had problems with it for two years now and you are nicely on the mend, so the chances of it happening are minimal. Working on acceptance, control and moving forward are the best things to do.

June 11, 2022

@Erell

I'm sorry you're dealing with this deluge of intrusive, repetitive, dark thoughts (as if the other nasty symptoms weren't enough). Please keep reminding yourself the thoughts are not you.

(trigger warning -- what follows includes a description of dark thoughts I've experienced)

Of all the psych drugs I've tried, ADs and other kinds as well, Prozac is the one that messed with my thoughts the most. It's the only time in my life I've felt anything akin to homicidal or violent; I started having elaborate murderous fantasies whenever, wherever, unprovoked out of the blue, about anyone at all. It was vivid, visceral, completely bizarre and extremely unpleasant. It scared me and I stopped the meds specifically because of this adverse/side effect.

It is not you, it's the drug. I have confidence in you and the integrity of your brain and nervous system. Once you're off Prozac this awful symptom will fade and dissipate. You will recover and feel like yourself again. And maybe this will get better and better as you wean, it might improve sooner than expected.

You are so very brave and strong. You are working very hard and doing a phenomenal job throughout this infernal process. Please give yourself so much credit! And remember you are healing, healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it.

June 11, 2022

@Erell I too have this “Intrusive thoughts” symptoms. For me it comes and goes. It is worst if I am tired or stressed. Those symptoms drove me to find answers and then find S.A.
I have those as withdrawal symptoms, this is why they decreased when I am more stable. you seem indeed to have them as a side effect from Prozac, probably the reason why they don’t seem to abate over time.

Since I knew those symptoms were caused by the medication, I wasn’t afraid of acting on them anymore. But it doesn’t make it easier to endure, because they are so frightening, sometime even disgusting.
Me too, I don’t talk too much about it with my family, because I don’t want to scare them. This is so bizarre, very few people knows it can really happen in one’s mind.

Have a nice day, dear Erell. You are always an amazing resilient human being.

Marie

June 12, 2022

Here is a somewhat related topic about unusual thoughts, maybe it could be of interest/comfort: Verbal Impulse Control

June 12, 2022

On 6/11/2022 at 7:00 AM, Erell said:

I feel mostly trapped by these constant thoughts/images/impulses. Everything I don't want to do harasses me 24/7. If I try to give non-triggering examples : opening the door during a car journey, yelling in the street, spilling my glass of water on my neighbour... It can be worse thoughts, as you described

I don't know if it's any comfort, but I've experienced dark violent thoughts in WD, too. It's less severe now, but sometimes this still happens. The thoughts are extremely disturbing. I chalk it up to my brain being in WD and in disequilibrium. Aurorax is right - these thoughts cannot force you to act upon them. But I'm sure it is very distressing and exhausting to have to deal with this.

On 6/11/2022 at 7:00 AM, Erell said:

What makes me feel better is that I feel like the volume of these thoughts seem to decrease a bit as I decrease the prozac. 🙏 My hope is that I am experiencing side effects from taking prozac and that they will gradually disappear as I drop.

This is good! It sure does sound as though this is a side effect of the prozac.

You have great courage, hope, and optimism, Erell. I love you my dear friend! We will get through this!

June 12, 2022

Errel,

I read the dialogue between you and Ariel yesterday and it really struck a huge note with me. You wrote...

"The "How are you" question, I don't mind this question on SA. I don't like this question in "real" life, because I feel that it is asked by well-meaning people, but who want to hear something other than my reality. They want to hear "hey, yes, I was very bad, but it's all over and I'm back to my old self and ready to meet all the expectations of the outside world"... which is not the case, and I'm tired of seeing or hearing their disappointment, their weariness. "

Wow, how many times I have said to my husband, "I wish nobody would EVER say "How are you?" to me. (of course here at SA it is different, as you said) I cannot even remember the last time when I could have answered "fine" or even "okay" and certainly I have never "great." I am thinking it has been decades since I could have said that to anyone. Meanwhile people are disappointed because I am never fine, although I try as hard as I can to be fine for them. I find myself nearly at a point of complete alienation in my life because I just can't be fine for anyone any more; I can just be okay, or cope, or do my best, but it is clear everyone wants an explanation of why I am not fine or when I am going to be fine.

I am starting to work less and less hard to hold onto relationships that mattered for years because I just can't pretend any more. That scares me. My husband and I have been together for 50 years now, but he is tiring of me as well...he will not leave but it is wearing on him. It is scary.

I hope you feel some rays of hope or at least peace once in a while.

Grace

June 13, 2022

On 6/11/2022 at 2:00 PM, Erell said:

I feel mostly trapped by these constant thoughts/images/impulses. Everything I don't want to do harasses me 24/7. If I try to give non-triggering examples : opening the door during a car journey, yelling in the street, spilling my glass of water on my neighbour... It can be worse thoughts, as you described, but in short I spend my days and nights beset by these thoughts and the terror that my body might act before I realise it. Which, by the way, has never happened in two years, I only live in terror of the possibility. It's like my brain is nagging me with the opposite of what I want and who I am. I would never allow myself to act on this, but I live in the fear that ADWD could make me loose touch with reality.

Dearest Erell, sounds like you might be suffering from impulse phobia (phobie d'impulsion), which is a form a OCD.

I had it too. For me, it was when I started paxil. I was afraid I would go crazy and do something horrible to myself against my own will. It was extremely scary, and I wouldn't talk about it with anyone because I didn't want to freak out my family.

By chance, I stumbled upon a podcast about someone who was experiencing the same thing as me, only worse.

https://www.npr.org/2015/01/09/375928124/dark-thoughts

More recently, I listened to this one, in french

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-lm8WGIt8c

Maybe it will help you to listen to them. It did help me. It might be triggering for some people though, given the subject. But both of these stories are reassuring concerning this condition.

With impulse phobia, the risk of acting on your impulses is basically non existent. You're so scared that you might be hurting someone, or yourself, and that's why you can't let go of the thought. But precisely because you're so scared, you would never do it. Impulse phobia is treatable through therapy.

I completely understand why you choose to isolate yourself, but please know that you're not a danger to anyone, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are the kind and non-violent person you think you are. Maybe this knowledge will make you want to socialize again, or at least help a little bit.

Love and support❤️

June 13, 2022

On 6/11/2022 at 8:59 PM, brassmonkey said:

Being afraid of losing one's mind is a very positive sign. It means you are not. Being afraid means, you are still in control and can do something about the situation. People who "lose their minds" don't know it has happened which creates a whole different situation. You haven't had problems with it for two years now and you are nicely on the mend, so the chances of it happening are minimal. Working on acceptance, control and moving forward are the best things to do.

I couldn't agree more with these very wise words.

June 14, 2022

On 6/11/2022 at 2:00 PM, Erell said:

It takes some weight off my shoulders to be able to talk about it a little bit because I haven't told anyone around me about this symptom, but I wouldn't want to cause stress to anyone in our community.

@Erell, feel free to PM me about your worst thoughts if you believe that could take more weight off your shoulders. I don't find it triggering, and I'm not easily disturbed. You can be as explicit as you need to. I can delete your messages when I have read them if that feels better. Maybe we can laugh about them together (I have to admit that I do find the thought of you pouring water over your neighbour very amusing) I get that the violent thoughts aren't funny at all while you are experiencing them, but forcing myself to laugh was the one thing I found most helpful. It didn't reduce the intensity or frequency of the thoughts, but it helped me see them for what they were.
I understand if you want to keep them to yourself, I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to if you don't want to. ❤️

June 15, 2022

You are angels, really!
Although I can't be happy to read that you too have experienced this pervasive symptom, it is extremely comforting to know that you are understood without judgment.
THANK YOU. ❤️

I have actually read about "impulse phobia" and I think that describes what I'm experiencing since Prozac. I'm trying to apply different CBT techniques, to put my heart and soul into other tasks as best I can and also to laugh about it sometimes.

I just understood the roots of this terror with these thoughts, and it's quite hard to digest. It may sound silly or late, but while reading you these last few days I feel like I've identified my trauma. I'm crying, which is a relief.
As a teenager, when the doctors said I had depression, I was put in a hospital against my will.
I am realising that I have never recovered from that experience and what I went through there. And that my fear of intrusive thoughts lies in my terror that one day my freedom could be taken away again because my attitude would be considered pathological. I have a brain that perceives this threat everywhere, all the time, and constantly presents me with all the possible risks.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what I mean with this message, I just feel like I finally understand why I can't move forward with this symptom while other symptoms slowly tend to get better. It is, I believe, an expression of my greatest terror and trauma. It's a bit overwhelming, all these momeries and the realisation that this wound is still wide open.

I'm not sure what I can do with all this, and I don't trust therapists anymore. But I feel like I can see the way forward for me: I need to rediscover feelings of trust and safety, and to reassure the child in me who has been through this experience and is still afraid. I have a long journey ahead me.

Ok, I'll stop here because I'm not sure where I'm going with this post and I'm feeling a lot of emotions. But thank you, thank you for giving me the safe space to allow myself to move forward. ❤️

June 15, 2022

That is a major breakthrough Erell, I'm so excited for you.

June 16, 2022

On 6/15/2022 at 4:32 AM, Erell said:

I'm not sure what I can do with all this, and I don't trust therapists anymore. But I feel like I can see the way forward for me: I need to rediscover feelings of trust and safety, and to reassure the child in me who has been through this experience and is still afraid. I have a long journey ahead me.

Your post is so insightful, Erell, and you did this work without a therapist. I understand your fear and lack of trust here. Rest assured, many of us find that we heal - and probably better - without the intrusion of a therapist. We instead chart our own path on our own terms.

As we recover, we're able to venture out into the world and have really good experiences. These experiences turn into memories that replace the trauma memories, especially since we tend to make better life choices once we're no longer drugged. Over time, we build up an entire library of experiences to draw on where we're feeling good, building better relationships, finding job opportunities, etc. This is the re-build phase of recovery. This is where we can rediscover trust and feelings of safety.

It happens slowly, giving us time to keep practicing the non-drug coping skills and allowing us to make mistakes and learn from them. One step at a time. As the newer, better memories replace the old trauma memories, you begin to feel something that is so elusive during withdrawal - hope.

Thanks for sharing your insights with us. Better days are ahead for you.

June 19, 2022

Erell, I admire you so much. @Shep is right, you did the work without a therapist. Sometimes journaling, self reflection and support group are what you need.

It makes sense that you would be hypervigilant after all you experienced. Your mind and your body are trying to protect you in a way, so you don't go through the same thing all over again. I hope this new understanding will allow you to "let go" of these intrusive thoughts.

Like you said, it is a long journey but it's amazing that you see a path forward. A path to healing !!

June 19, 2022

Thanks for sharing this, Erell. That must have been a rough experience. It makes sense that that could be why this wd symptom/side effect frightens you so. That being said, I've learned that this is a common symptom, and many people find it terrifying.

On 6/15/2022 at 10:32 AM, Erell said:

I need to rediscover feelings of trust and safety, and to reassure the child in me who has been through this experience and is still afraid. I have a long journey ahead me.

I think it might be too early to know whether you have a long journey ahead of you or not. This forum is sometimes somewhat preoccupied with healing trauma, and various therapies. It seems to be a common trap for people who have been on psychiatric drugs. We seem to think we need to substitute the drug with something else, as if we can't comprehend the thought that we are ok as we are.

I decided not to analyze my symptoms during wd, and I'm happy I didn't because that would have been a waste of time. I have none of the problems I had during my years on Paxil or in wd. The intrusive thoughts were among the first wd symptom to go away, even though they frightened me the most.
We not only risk wasting time when we analyze ourselves while still on drugs or in wd, but we also risk causing problems. I spent years in therapy trying to learn how to manage my seemingly uncontrollable emotions while on Paxil or in wd, among other things. I was very emotional, dependent, and impulsive. The real me has the opposite problems, and the strategies I learnt was for the wrong person. I can't even remember my mental states while on Paxil or in wd. It's gone. I have challenges, just like everyone else, and I also have dark or violent thoughts at times, but they are entirely different from the intrusive ones I had during wd, and they don't frighten me.

I belive it's wise not to make to much conclusions until all drugs are out of the system and the dust has settled. You might have traumas to heal, but you might also find that those thoughts were never you, and your fear of them was never you either. Maybe you will find yourself ready to move on with your life, just as if you had awakened from a bad dream.

The healing industry is an industry just like the pharmaceutical industry. There will always be a blogger or therapist with an idea for sale that will heal our traumas or make us happier. Play with the thought that you might not need to do anything at all.

June 19, 2022

I believe the above statement is true and well put. Until WD is over we waste time and energy looking for answers that may be irrelevant once healed.

June 23, 2022

Hello beautiful @Erell

Thinking of you <3

June 24, 2022

@Erell

I hope you are doing okay❤️

June 24, 2022

Thank you for your answers. The opportunity to read the perspectives of people who understand these experiences always helps me to take a step back from my thoughts and feelings. ❤️

I avoided answering and instead immersed myself completely in my online courses, because I have to admit that all this is scrambled in my brain.

I am unable to distinguish between what are constructive thoughts and what are obsessions about trauma as a symptom of a destabilised nervous system.

I also can't distinguish between what is a healthy desire to put things in place to move forward and what is an obsessive emotional spiral about traumas that I should definitely work on to get better. Unable to define whether CBT's notions of "exposure" can be applied to my situation or whether I am hurting myself for nothing.
As a result, I can't see the beginning of the spiral and I don't know if I'm sinking into classic withdrawal obsessions about what I should absolutely do to get better or if my reflections are relevant and tell me that I should do something about it.

So I can't tell what's impatience, what's fear of having to wait to see progress, and what's insightful thoughts.

The question of whether I need to work on traumas to get better and whether I am doing enough effort and "work on me" comes up regularly in my mind, and I notice that it can indeed quickly lead me into spirals.

This is probably related to the long time this process takes and the human desire to be able to act in the face of so much unknown.

It seems that I may be in the classic torments of our community: what is me, what is not me? Do I absolutely have to do something to get better?

The idea that there is nothing to be done can be terrifying. However, I thank you a lot Aurorax : the sentence "Play with the thought that you might not need to do anything at all" has given me a lot of relief in the last few days, and I play with this thought while concentrating on distracting activities.

Perhaps I am still simply at a stage where distraction is the most important tool for me and it is not yet time to dive into everything my brain comes up with.

On 6/16/2022 at 2:17 PM, Shep said:

As we recover, we're able to venture out into the world and have really good experiences. These experiences turn into memories that replace the trauma memories, especially since we tend to make better life choices once we're no longer drugged. Over time, we build up an entire library of experiences to draw on where we're feeling good, building better relationships, finding job opportunities, etc. This is the re-build phase of recovery. This is where we can rediscover trust and feelings of safety.

This is beautiful Shep, and this is a strategy that suits me: gradually replacing traumatic memories with new life experiences.
Thank you, this message has made me want to resume my evening gratitude time: when one is beset by symptoms and lives mostly alone at home, one quickly feels that one is not experiencing anything positive.
The reality is that I don't necessarily have to wait until I manage to live in the outside world, I can already start to gradually replace my fears and painful memories with wonderful experiences of solidarity and support. ❤️

June 24, 2022

@Erell

You were just writing in my thread about how I'd expressed something in a way that made sense, and now I'm here reading your words and can say the same thing. It's so helpful to read your thoughts and perspective and feel how it holds up a mirror to my experience, reflecting it back to me in a more manageable way. Thank you.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I avoided answering and instead immersed myself completely in my online courses, because I have to admit that all this is scrambled in my brain.

I am unable to distinguish between what are constructive thoughts and what are obsessions about trauma as a symptom of a destabilised nervous system.

I also can't distinguish between what is a healthy desire to put things in place to move forward and what is an obsessive emotional spiral about traumas that I should definitely work on to get better. Unable to define whether CBT's notions of "exposure" can be applied to my situation or whether I am hurting myself for nothing.
As a result, I can't see the beginning of the spiral and I don't know if I'm sinking into classic withdrawal obsessions about what I should absolutely do to get better or if my reflections are relevant and tell me that I should do something about it.

So I can't tell what's impatience, what's fear of having to wait to see progress, and what's insightful thoughts.

The question of whether I need to work on traumas to get better and whether I am doing enough effort and "work on me" comes up regularly in my mind, and I notice that it can indeed quickly lead me into spirals.

This is probably related to the long time this process takes and the human desire to be able to act in the face of so much unknown.

It seems that I may be in the classic torments of our community: what is me, what is not me? Do I absolutely have to do something to get better?

You've expressed it perfectly.

I, too, feel most of the time that it's one big stew (feels more like a mess than a stew but I guess I'm hungry?) and the ingredients are indistinguishable from one another, and from "me". It drives me nuts sometimes trying to figure out what's what, what's relevant what's irrelevant, etc. That's the monkey mind in full force, and even though I know to take a step back when the monkey starts acting up, that is often easier said than done. Ultimately, again and again I come back to some version of, Well, this is the present moment, and it's characterized by this messiness, and maybe it's not about tidying as much as it is trying to keep going even though the mess is there. (Maybe this is easier for me because I have not been blessed with your facility for cleaning! I am innately, incorrigibly lazy.)

Anyway, I'll stop there. Aurorax and Shep and you have already articulated things so well and helpfully. Thank you.

In my own process in past weeks I've been thinking a lot about the way in which external social circumstances (elective or not) of aloneness, loneliness, and social isolation contribute to emotional spirals and rumination. Everyone everywhere (hyperbolic generalization is a cognitive distortion, yada yada yada) who has recovered from WD tends to advise to engage in outer-world, externally focused activities as much as possible, as opposed to turning inwards. This recommendation often frightens me because it's so far from how my life is right now, and I can have all kinds of fear thoughts in reaction. That's my WD brain feeling panicky.

I don't think there's any blanket formula, one-size-fits-all recommendation, as everyone is different, and it's also important to remember that WD goes through so many different phases and stages. To some extent it's probably productive and healthy to check in once in a while to inquire, Have my needs changed, and how? And get a little update from within, get one's bearings (insomuch as that's possible), maybe adjust course accordingly.

And I think you do do that, Erell, in fact it seems you're quite good at that. For example you're immersed in online courses now, and there was a time when you weren't. So you are doing a great job of adapting the process to you and adapting yourself to the process as you go. I don't believe for a second that there's something you should be doing that you are not already doing. You got this.

It gets better, and it's getting better all the time. We don't have to force it. We only have to trust and the rest will become clear as we let go. (I don't know what I'm talking about!! But that's what came out, and it sounds pretty good, doesn't it?)

Healing is happening <3

June 24, 2022

4 hours ago, Erell said:

The reality is that I don't necessarily have to wait until I manage to live in the outside world, I can already start to gradually replace my fears and painful memories with wonderful experiences of solidarity and support. ❤️

Yes, exactly!

June 24, 2022

"Perhaps I am still simply at a stage where distraction is the most important tool for me and it is not yet time to dive into everything my brain comes up with."

I think you hit it pretty well right there. The time spent going through ADWD is not a good time to concentrate on heavy trauma work. The drugs are causing a very large amount of turmoil in your mind making it very hard to come up with any real answers. Every time you come up with something the drugs will change it around and you will have to rethink it again and again and end up getting nowhere. Not accepting the thoughts as real but allowing them to happen will let them sort themselves out and eventually they will go away. Paying too much attention to them helps give them meaning and strength, which is what they want but you don't need. Distraction whenever possible is very helpful, not worrying about then because they are not real is very helpful and allowing your body and mind the time it needs to heal. Once you are in better control of things you can start to challenge and slowly sort through them, make sense of them and keep or reject them as needed, But, during ADWD is not the time. During ADWD there may be small flashes of insight where something will fall into place, and that is a good thing, but you have to "let it happen" instead of trying to "make it happen".

Even with out ADWD personal examination, acceptance and growth can be a very hard and time consuming process. During ADWD it can be frustrating to the point of being overpowering. The personal trauma work can wait, you have more important things to do right now. That is to get better so you will have the strength to tame your personal dragons.

June 27, 2022

Ok, nothing to do with my moods, but since yesterday I need to tell this anecdote to someone!

I'm still surprised.

Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to get my new bottle of prozac, and there was quite a queue, so as an agoraphobic who isn't comfortable hanging out in closed places full of people, I distracted myself by intensely studying the products on the shelves.

My eyes were drawn to a product that promised "clear smooth eyes" (not that my dark circles or fine lines are my priority right now, but reading keeps you busy when you're waiting!) with a new "revolutionary" ingredient: GABA.

I was flabbergasted: GABA? in cosmetics? what's this new idea again?

Curious and intrigued, I took the bottle to question the pharmacist, and she praised this new "cosmetic revolution" which consists of "creating formulas enriched in GABA to fight against wrinkles and dark circles".

I asked her: "but when you say GABA, do you mean the neurotransmitter?"

And she said, very enthusiastically, "yes, that's great, ultrapure gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) is obtained by microbiological fermentation and as its depletion leads to a tendency to negative emotions, this translates on the skin into a loss of elasticity, so putting GABA on the skin will help fight ageing. Maybe one day we'll even be able to put serotonin in our creams, it will only do our skin good!"

I have absolutely no idea what the scientific validity of GABA in cosmetics is, or what impact a very small dose applied to our skin might have on a nervous system (possibly none at all), but as a psychiatric survivor I can say that I didn't buy this product and left the pharmacy thinking "wow, 'progress' will never cease to amaze me!"

----------------------------------

(Thank you for your answers, I don't necessarily answer in detail because I think it's important that I don't continue to ruminate on these trauma issues and rather try to focus on the present and what I can do to distract and keep moving forward, but your feedbacks are a great help to me! ❤️)

Edited June 27, 2022 by Erell

June 27, 2022

@Erell

14 minutes ago, Erell said:

And she said, very enthusiastically, "yes, that's great, ultrapure gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) is obtained by microbiological fermentation and as its depletion leads to a tendency to negative emotions, this translates on the skin into a loss of elasticity, so putting GABA on the skin will help fight ageing."

LOL!!

Negative emotions translating onto the skin as a loss of elasticity... this delights me so much that my jowls are lifting right up off the floor into a big saggy grin!

Thank you for sharing this <3

June 29, 2022

On 5/10/2022 at 1:37 AM, Adili13 said:

@Erell you need to seriously consider the fact that as you lower you might feel better and better. I never stabilized after doing long holds too. It simply doesn’t happen for some people, and that fact needs to be more readily recognized in our community. Some people do everything right and they still feel horribly because being on the drugs is keeping them sick

I agree with this very much. Once I made the decision to get off I went slow but I got off. I spent ten years being made sick by these drugs and the only way to improve was to get off them completely. I’m ten months off and I’m in no way healed but the improvement is very significant. My advice? Get off the poisons as soon as you responsibly can.

July 5, 2022

Hello @Erell: I have been thinking of you. Sending lots of love and hugs your way, WR 💖

July 12, 2022

On 7/5/2022 at 9:28 PM, wantrelief said:

Hello @Erell: I have been thinking of you. Sending lots of love and hugs your way, WR 💖

How lovely of you to ask, thank you, it always warms my heart to be among friends here ❤

I have been quiet lately : my country is going through a prolonged intense heat wave and I am having difficulty with it.

I've never liked heat, but it's been worse since all this WD mess started.

I feel it has an impact on my sleep, my inner tension, my restlessness and my anxiety. Symptoms have ramped up.

I'll be alright, but I take things carefuly.

We should have some respite next week 🙏

I had planned to drop, but I'm gonna wait for the heat to calm down a bit.

Sending you big hugs dear wantrelief, hope you'll feel some fresh air today 🙂

Edited July 12, 2022 by Erell

July 12, 2022

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I've never liked heat, but it's been worse since all this WD mess started.

I feel it has an impact on my sleep, my inner tension, my restlessness and my anxiety. Symptoms have ramped up.

I hear you ✊. I think some of it related not only to WD from the drugs but also the drugs themselves. Heat became a bigger problem when I went on them. Maybe when all this BS is over, once again we can tolerate heat :-).

July 12, 2022

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I have been quiet lately : my country is going through a prolonged intense heat wave and I am having difficulty with it.

I've never liked heat, but it's been worse since all this WD mess started.

Ugh, I am so sorry to hear it has been so hot where you are. I am the same in never liking heat but it does seem worse for me too since WD.

I am very sorry to hear the heat has ramped up your symptoms. It is good to hear it is supposed to be cooler next week so hopefully you will see an improvement then.

Since you've had an increase in symptoms, it sounds like you've got a good plan to wait to make your next reduction. Hopefully the reduced heat will see your symptoms calm down and you can then move forward with your taper.

You are always in my thoughts and heart, Erell.

August 9, 2022

@Erell Stopping by to say hi.

Sending encouragement, one day you will be free from the grib WD has on you. I hope as you decrease your symptoms will improve. If it is ADR to the drug you should feel better the lower you go. Withdrawal may still be present but hopefully feeling even a little better will give you the bust you need to stay positive and keep going.

Here is Minnesota USA we are finally getting cooler temperatures and less humidity. How about your neck of the woods?

Take care of yourself Erell🌞

August 10, 2022

@ErellHow are things going in your life these days? I"m praying for you and thinking of you.

August 10, 2022

On 7/11/2022 at 11:10 PM, Erell said:

prolonged intense heat wave

Dear @Erell--I've been following reports and wringing my hands. Awful. awful. I hope you can stay cool in some way and can find any kind of calm in the midst of the trauma around you.

Perhaps a hug would be too warm right now, but I send you cooling wishes, and appreciation of your fortitude.

Arbor 💜

August 10, 2022

Hello dear friends,

Thank you for your words, it's nice to read you and think of you. Especially since I haven't been around for you lately. I don't know why, I can't find the courage to communicate with anyone these last weeks. I'm trying not to figure out why, and to leave things as they are for now, hoping that I'll regain my ability to connect.

I hate the thought of you having to endure this ordeal, but I cherish your presence which has helped me and is helping me more than I can ever express. ❤️

Ironically, I was about to write a positive update but the fatigue, the heat, the stress of the forest fires (I'm safe, no worries for me, it's just been a constant threat in the region since June) catch up with me and I'm plunged into the whirlwind of neuro-emotions and adrenaline. Feel a bit like in a constant panic attack these days.

I'm going to try anyway, because writing it down will show my brain that it's real.

The other day, looking back on last summer, I realised that I was making progress. Progress that is so gradual, so slow that I don't notice it unless I make the effort to look back a year ago. And my daily life is still so homey, punctuated by my agoraphobia and intrusive thoughts, my feeling of "restless legs" and adrenaline throughout my body, my digestive issues and all the other gifts that these molecules have brought me.

Yet, if I look at the facts, they exist :

I read a novel last month, all of it! And some days I manage to listen to music without feeling stimulated or full of adrenaline, and even enjoy it! I'm not ready for headphones yet, but maybe soon...

There were days in July when I managed to take naps. I am always awake with adrenaline and a feeling of "toxic nap", but my body sometimes manages to fall asleep during the day.

And I think my "intrusive impulses" are globally diminishing, not in their presence but in their intensity.

My need to check everything several times, which appeared with Prozac (did I turn off the light? did I close the door? did I turn off the tap?) seems to disminish.

I take an online course. I even find the courage some days to send applications for work (from home, not ready to live in the outside world...).

It's so strange to be able to achieve things while feeling so bad and so scared inside.

But, most importantly, all this seemed illusory last summer, and it is REAL this summer.

When I describe this progress to my family, I can see that they don't see the importance of it, that nothing seems more natural to them than to do what I describe. But I know that you understand what I mean, and how important it is to see it when one is overwhelmed.
I deeply hope that these few notes of hope will give some comfort to anyone passing by.

And I hope with all my heart that you have been able to experience moments of serenity in recent weeks. ❤️

Thinking of you

Edited August 10, 2022 by Erell

August 10, 2022

Oh @ErellI am so so pleased to read about the improvements you have experienced! All of the things you mentioned are huge and are such wonderful signs of progress/healing. I am so happy for you, brave Erell. Much love to you, WR 💖

August 10, 2022

@Erell that is good I read several positives in your post.

you mentioned writing it down so you can go back to let your brain know this is real! Well I did that last week myself I read back to a wave that happened in past. and nuero emotions dropped really low almost to zero. Which lowered the fear anxiety etc. Looking back helped my acceptance. I was surprised to see almost exact same symptoms then as now.

I so agree journal and documenting does help ! If not in present but future!

The heat I am finding out a lot of us are the same. Heat tolerance is very low while on these drugs or during tapering or both. I have struggled 4 summers on this lexapro and while tapering.

Prayers for continued healing !

And thank you for all your encouragement!

August 11, 2022

@Erell

Sending so much love

Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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