Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[souim]

Hi Erell,

 

Just found out about your story :). First of all, I want to wish you the best. Sounds like you've been doing better lately, which is great. I hope you're able to enjoy the springtime...

 

On 4/22/2022 at 1:18 PM, Erell said:

Small update: between the economic market issues and the slowdown of the activity in China, there are many shortages of drugs in my country.

 

I have the exact same problem. Finding liquid paxil (Deroxat) in France is an absolute nightmare. It's constantly out of stock. How do you deal with it ?

 

 

[Erell]

Wow, @Ariel, what a beautiful and kind message ! Thank you, so much kindness has really touched me and brought a lot of sunshine to my day !
I'm really not sure I feel that strength, but I'm happy if that's what I'm transmitting on this forum, we need it so much. 

I really need to visit your thread, I've read many of your posts and I really like the thoughts you share and the way you support, you really are a beautiful soul in our community. Thank you! I'm not very efficient at interacting these days, but I'm truly honoured to meet you.
❤️

 

Hello @souim, yes, finding liquid paroxetine in our country can be difficult. I don't actually deal with it : after eight months of being out of stock in 2019-2020, i did a prozac bridge and am no longer taking paroxetine. 

Are you able to find any at the moment?
If they are out of stock, an option might be to switch to the pill form. I can't remember if paroxetine pills dilute well in water, but I think you'll find some information on this thread: tips-for-tapering-off-paxil-paroxetine. 
You can also ask your doctor to prescribe a higher dose, which will allow you to have bottles in advance. This is what I do now with Prozac.

 

Ha Ha, @Aurorax, I would have loved to meet you on a garden forum !  

 

Getofflex, Rosetta : million hugs to you, I feel so blessed to have met such generous people during this journey !

----------
Update 

Two weeks after my 5% reduction in Diazepam dosage, I have not noticed any changes, so this is good news.
The pharmacist called me to say that the diazepam would normally be back in the pharmacy at the beginning of June.
When Diazepam will be back in stock, I will start the taper from Prozac. 

I can't go on like this: two years after my bridge, I still live with constant adrenaline rushes and terror flashes, thoughts and impulses that torture me on a daily basis and an agoraphobia that is as intense as ever. 
I was hoping to be able to start a taper while feeling really better, that's why I kept on holding, but I don't feel like I'm going in that direction.
I can no longer stand the hope that prozac will "stabilise" me and help with the Paxil wd, I feel like I am prolonging my suffering. At 24 months, I don't see any signs that I could stabilize on prozac and I'm starting to lose my strenght.
I read a lot of Aberdeen's thread as she herself went through a taper after a failed switch and I take hope from it to keep going. if you need comfort, don't hesitate to read her story, she is an amazing success story !

 

Considering that from the very first paroxetine pill, at the age of 14, I was plunged into a previously unknown world of terror and agitation, and that this is why the doctor at the time prescribed a benzo to "cope with the normal effects of starting AD", I end up wondering if my body just can't cope with the antidepressants.

 

Ok, that's the news on my side, trying to hang on and to nurture hope. ☀️

Oh ! and I bought recently a book from Claire Weekes, a very good read that I can only recommend. Although some of her suggestions are anachronistic (the use of benzo, for example), I find that the descriptions and the principles behind her advices very relevant. Let's float ! 

Take care people  ❤️ 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Erell

[souim]

28 minutes ago, Erell said:

Are you able to find any at the moment?

 

I have so far always managed to find enough, but it's a real struggle. I might indeed have to switch to diluting pill if things don't get better. One thing that infuriates me is that the pharmacists often don't even seem to care. I know it's not their fault but I could use some advice and reassurance instead of total indifference and bordeline rudeness. I guess it's the french way. 😩

 

The thing that does help is the website vigirupture, which is amazing : you can look for any drug on it, and it tells you which pharmacy in your area has it in store. You're supposed to be a medical professionnal to access it but I created an account checking the box "I'm a doctor" and it worked just fine. Maybe it can help you too ! In what region do you live ?

 

I'm glad your Diaprezam taper is going well, but I'm truly sorry you have to live with these horrible symptoms. When I despair, I try to remember that nothing stays the same forever. Including suffering. I think that's why I also got into gardening lately. (So glad to know I'm not the only plant lover around) Plants seem still, and yet, they grow, they change, they get better, greener, stronger. So do we.

 

I had to take benzo to deal with the horror that was the beginning of Paxil as well so I know what you're refering to here. No one should go through this...

Je t'envoie plein de bonnes ondes, de pensées positives, et de bourgeons pour le printemps ❤️

 

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

Dearest @Erell,

 

I am relieved your diazepam cut went smoothly.  I understand your desire to move forward with tapering Prozac.  You have been so very patient and I am really sorry you haven't noticed any improvements. I will be walking along side of you as you taper as will so many others here.  You are not alone in this journey.

 

I too have taken a lot of comfort in Aberdeen's story as I don't think she started her taper feeling all that well either.

 

Much love to you,

WR

[getofflex]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I can't go on like this: two years after my bridge, I still live with constant adrenaline rushes and terror flashes, thoughts and impulses that torture me on a daily basis and an agoraphobia that is as intense as ever.

 

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Considering that from the very first paroxetine pill, at the age of 14, I was plunged into a previously unknown world of terror and agitation, and that this is why the doctor at the time prescribed a benzo to "cope with the normal effects of starting AD", I end up wondering if my body just can't cope with the antidepressants

Erell these posts make me wonder if you have developed an adverse reaction to the Prozac, and had adverse reaction to the paroxetine, as well.  Maybe you have developed tolerance.  I'm glad your diazepam taper went OK.  I continue to pray for you.  

[brassmonkey]

Aberdean was a tapering buddy of mine and is one of my favorite success stories. I'm still in touch with her from time to time and she is doing quite well.

[mstimc]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Oh ! and I bought recently a book from Claire Weekes, a very good read that I can only recommend. Although some of her suggestions are anachronistic (the use of benzo, for example), I find that the descriptions and the principles behind her advices very relevant. Let's float ! 

 

Hi Erell

 

Weeks really helped with my recovery as well.  Sometimes, we just need to be persistent and a bit stubborn, and keep looking for new tools to help us cope.  I found different coping tools worked well for me at different times in my recovery journey. 

 

Wishing you peace! 

[Rhiannon]

Hello Erell, just dropping by tonight and as always it's a pleasure to read through your thread. I'm sorry you are suffering, but your attitude is inspiring. Hugs!

 

--Rhiannon

[Longroadhome]

Hi @Erell

 

i bought Claire Weeks books many years ago, when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety. and the principles are very relevant, even today. 
As you know I have had symptoms all the way through tapering and holding and her methods are very much engrained in my head, accept the symptoms, work alongside them, float past the fear. 
 

Strength will come while tapering, because you are in control. 
Good luck to you lovely lady 🦋 

[Sottana]

@Erell you need to seriously consider the fact that as you lower you might feel better and better. I never stabilized after doing long holds too. It simply doesn’t happen for some people, and that fact needs to be more readily recognized in our community. Some people do everything right and they still feel horribly because being on the drugs is keeping them sick 

[Longroadhome]

2 hours ago, Adili13 said:

@Erell you need to seriously consider the fact that as you lower you might feel better and better. I never stabilized after doing long holds too. It simply doesn’t happen for some people, and that fact needs to be more readily recognized in our community. Some people do everything right and they still feel horribly because being on the drugs is keeping them sick 

I think you’re  right Adili 

[Greatful]

@Erell

I can relate to this...2 years seems like a long time to hold trying to  stabilize...........My hubby called it stable misery lol....I wish I could tell you the right answer...no one can....There is no one size fits all---Listen to your body is the standard rule of thumb--What's  your body telling you?

I was not getting better with my Lexapro bandage from my Prozac WD--Things were just not right- Horrible paranioa- fear- depression-brain panic- body panic-horrible brain sensations--to name a few

I read in the book "Your Drug May be your Problem"---They can cause brain your brain to have crazy thoughts-- anger- all sorts of crazy things- not to mention physical symptoms--  but we know that WD can  cause these also--This makes it so hard to know what to do....

I can say for myself that I was not doing well on the Lex and decided to push forward with my taper---What I found was that I felt a little better with each cut....Still not good but I felt a small positive change...I just did another cut 9 days ago and so far I feel better than I did before the cut---I still hold my breath waiting for the "it might catch up with you" but I was so miserable I had keep trying.  My daughters/hubby's  thinking is if the drug is toxic to you and it is making you sick and you are in WD also, you are getting hit with 2 things-

So far it is showing that as I go down on the Lex I feel a little better and my rational brain is getting stronger.  I hesitate to relay this to you--I don't want to give any bad advice-and I may be doing the wrong thing myself but like I said I had to try with the hope that it is the Lex and I will slowly feel better...

I should also mention that I stopped supplements--Omega 3- Vitamin c and probiotic... I still take my magnesium...

 

I think @Sottana has a good point and I feel like it a thought to consider.

 

What ever you decide to do remember it is your body and you are the one going to go through it---Go with your gut and what your body is telling you--

Take it slow and remember to be kind/patient with yourself....

You are in my thoughts.♥️

 

 

 

[Aurorax]

@Erell, I’m so happy you are making this decision. I hope you don’t see these two years as wasted even if the bridge failed. You have built insane strength and an attitude that will be a part of you for the rest of your life. I hope you understand how far that will take you once you leave all of this behind. I can’t wait to follow your journey as you take your first steps out of the fog. You have no idea how amazing (and sometimes frightening) that will be. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps.

 

Aurorax

[Erell]

On 5/10/2022 at 3:27 PM, Aurorax said:

 I hope you don’t see these two years as wasted even if the bridge failed.

Thank you for your amazing support Aurorax. ❤️ It certainly gives me great comfort to know that you are there! Thank you for continuing to share your generosity here, I know it's been a while since you've been able to rebuild your life, so I appreciate your presence even more.
I don't think I see the last two years as a waste... I've tried to do my best, I don't think I can blame myself for that. Of course, I don't have the life I imagined I would have at my age... but, well, I try not to dwell on thoughts about the passing of time, those kinds of thoughts hurt too much, and can quickly go into a painful emotional spiral.

There is another thought that I hold on to, which has saved me from many nights of hopelessness. 
After seeing a video on the concept of multiple lives and reincarnation (yes, it's a bit "woo woo") - I don't even know how I ended up on that video -, in which it was said that everything that was not settled/healed in one life will be taken up again in the next life, I thought that it was out of the question to restart a new life by lugging this mess around and restarting this process. There's no way I'm starting a brand new life with this mess. 😂
It may sound absurd, but this thought helps me a lot when I feel like I can't hold on any longer: ok, if I have to sort it out in this life so that my next lives are serene, let's do it once and for all. Don't even ask me if I believe in reincarnation, all I know is that I don't plan to restart this process in another life, so I prefer to deal with my problems in this one! 😅

 

@Greatful Greatful, I really appreciate your experience sharing. Don't worry about giving me bad advice: I know that every journey is unique, and I know that no one can predict what will happen. ❤️ 
"Stable misery", your husband seems to have grasped the situation!
I am so happy when I read you that you have the support of your husband and daughter in your choices. And I'm also happy to know that you're seeing improvements as you go down, you really deserve a break. 
You are right to mention the fact that withdrawal symptoms sometimes strongly resemble those of side effects, which makes it all the more difficult to make a decision... and which led me to doubt for two years  
Like you, I can't predict the future, but if you see that the effects of the drops are positive, and you keep a careful pace to give your body time, I don't feel like you're making a bad decision, but rather that you're listening to your body and making decisions that work for it.
You are in my thoughts too ❤️ 

 

@Sottana and @Longroadhome, Thank you for your incredible support on my journey and for sharing your experience. I know you are going and have been through a lot, and I'm very inspired by your strenght.
Thank you for your well wishes !
I follow your journey with attention, and I wish you peace. Longroadhome, you were the first person to tell me about Baylissa, so you already know, healing is the outcome, and I am happy to know that I will witness your healing ❤️ 

 

On 5/9/2022 at 2:07 PM, getofflex said:

Erell these posts make me wonder if you have developed an adverse reaction to the Prozac, and had adverse reaction to the paroxetine, as well.  Maybe you have developed tolerance.  I'm glad your diazepam taper went OK.  I continue to pray for you.  

I wonder too ! But, you know, in the end, I don't think anyone can really know. So I'm glad I found out about SA, whatever the future holds with these molecules and whatever is going on in my brain, I know now tha t I'll have to approach it with patience and caution. And thanks to SA, I also know that healing is possible, no matter which way I go.
Thank you for your prayers, I really do appreciate ❤️ 

 

Oh @mstimc, you're right, all this requires a minimum of stubbornness! About different tools working at different times, I recently started listening to ASMR videos. If my nervous system can't take it sometimes, too much audio stimuli perhaps, some nights my whole body yawns at the first tapping of nails. It's amazing how many tools you can discover and offer your body! There is a lot to do


Wishing peace to everybody ☀️   
 

[Rosetta]

(((Erell))). I am so sad that you are still living with the terror and agitation.  My heart goes out to you.

Rosetta

[Aurorax]

On 5/11/2022 at 11:56 AM, Erell said:

There's no way I'm starting a brand new life with this mess. 😂

 

lol I don’t believe in reincarnation either, but this is the right attitude. And in a way you are starting a new life, probably in more ways than you can imagine. There is so much about rediscovering ourselves that can’t be put into words, it has to be experienced. I’m happy you find my support helpful, and I’m right here if you need me. ❤️

[Ariel]

@Erell

 

How are you feeling? I hope your recent drop is treating you gently. 

 

I just want to thank you for your words, which are really helping me today. Especially your most recent posts to Greatful and Arbor. (Hope it's not weird to draw such nourishment from other people's threads/exchanges! Suddenly the monkey is suggesting I may just be a voyeuristic creep; but, you see, that's the kind of day I'm having -- the monkey is in full force.) 

 

From what you have written I am picking up on a lot of positive energy and lightness... I don't know whether that is true of your conscious experience right now but I trust your life force is growing in strength and clarity and flow. I don't know exactly what that means, hard to put into words, it's a feeling I get, something in the energetics coming through your communication. I really feel like I am receiving healing white light frequency reading your words. Whether or not this is a withdrawal hallucination, I don't care! It feels beautiful and healing and I am grateful.  

 

Anyway, I am feeling inspired and fortified by your Erell-ian vibrations, which cut through the monkey's WD BS and shine a fierce, undeniable light in the direction of healing and abundance and wholeness. Thank you <3    

 

Thinking of you and wishing you many peaceful moments. 

 

P.S. You continue to have a very positive influence on my capacity for cleaning. The flat looks better than it has in years (which may not be saying much, haha!). I can only do a little at a time but it all adds up. Since the cat died I have become very friendly with the spiders who live here; it is nice to have life around me, especially in such prolonged relative isolation. (I love spiders; I think the cat must have eaten them regularly, because their numbers have grown significantly in the time where there is nobody to snack on them. Uh, that's some circular reasoning I guess. My mind is tired, I trust you know what I mean.) So when I'm cleaning I am careful to not disturb them. (One time my poor vision had me mistake a spider for a dustball and in the very moment I vacuumed it up I realized it was actually a sprawling spider estate, but it was too late. I was heartbroken and cried over this incident more than once. I did not succeed in rescuing the sucked-up spider out of the vacuum bag. Imagine being suddenly, forcefully airlifted out of your residence like that. This was early days of WD, peak sensitivity. Everything felt very intense and bouleversant.) So now I deliberately try to warn the spiders when I get to the corners and if they don't retreat I just back off. It's their home, too. And I like that when monkey mind says the cleaning is not good enough, I can wield the counter-argument of spider-habitat conservation. My filthy flat: wildlife refuge, ecosystem, even microclimate (all the tears contribute to unique levels of air humidity) (just kidding, I'm actually having trouble crying lately; crying on the inside, haha).  

 

Love to you 

[Erell]

Hello dear @Ariel, 

 

First of all, you can inform the monkey that this is EXACTLY what we ALL do here and that this is the principle of a peer support forum: looking at other people's threads to try to understand/share/nourish/hope/grow ❤️ 

It's really nice of you to check up on me, and it's very sweet to read that my words are understandable and even, sometimes, well chosen: I must confess that despite my desire to write, I often stop frustrated by my limitations in English, the fog and the feeling of not being able to say what I want. I am glad to know that in my small way I can offer some support. ☀️

 

I think you're right about my positive energy : I made a drop 12 days ago, a small one (3%) so I don't know if the positive is just a coincidence, but the first 11 days were relatively quiet and I felt particularly confident as I noticed that after the drop the volume of intrusive thoughts/impulses were dropping, the sound was lower. It was nice to live some days with a confident energy and less violence inside in my head.

Well, it didn't last: since last night, it's been complicated and I feel this weird internal agitation burning, but the calendar tells me that my period is imminent and that this sudden deterioration has an aura of deja vu. So I will patiently wait for the storm to pass... Grrrr, can I still say how much I hate being a menstruating person since I've been in this WD journey?!

 

I also think that taking online courses puts me in a good energy: it gives me a rhythm and helps my brain to relearn how to gradually project into the future. I'm not saying it's easy every day, and my personal monkey (I call him Bob) regularly tells me I'll never get anywhere, but I relish the times I prove him wrong.

 

My biggest challenge remains... the outside world. Well, it's not just the outside world but rather the presence of any human being, if I'm honest. I'm still trapped in the fear of these completely senseless thoughts and impulses, of being a danger. I hope to continue to make progress in this area. But I can tell it's not linear!

 

And maybe my positive energy came from my last tip in my toolbox! Do I dare to admit it?
Okay, lately I'm starting to be able to watch movies again and start to feel positive thoughts while watching them. I only choose cute stories, nothing stressful... and I don't know how many hours I've spent watching cute romances lately, but my brain loves it! 😂

 

Oh dear Ariel, I totally understand your relationship with spiders and your reaction! Not so long ago, I had an unfortunate accident with a snail and it took me a while to get over it (which is paradoxical when you know that my brain is constantly playing a horror movie).

I see these reactions as a need for love and as an expression of our undiminished capacity to feel love and to give it. and the need for tenderness, and our undiminished capacity to offer it.
We are still there Ariel ❤️

 

[Hanna72]

@Erell Sweet Erell, so glad to hear you are enjoying romantic movies. You are absolutely amazing and so brave and hopeful. I continue to admire you as we all do in here.

Sending you my love and support as always 💕

Hanna

[mstimc]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

My biggest challenge remains... the outside world. Well, it's not just the outside world but rather the presence of any human being, if I'm honest. I'm still trapped in the fear of these completely senseless thoughts and impulses, of being a danger. I hope to continue to make progress in this area. But I can tell it's not linear!

Dear Erell

 

I know this feeling all too well!  I really withdrew from interaction when I was in WD, and I found myself doing it again when we were in Portugal and I was missing home and wanted to get back as soon as possible. I avoided making friends because it meant I had connections to a place I wanted to leave.  Now, of course, I realize that was unrealistic thinking, and whether or not we left Portugal had nothing to do with establishing friendships.  

 

The unrealistic thinking will fade with time and effort.  Sending you continued strength as you make progress!

[siderale]

14 hours ago, Erell said:

Well, it didn't last: since last night, it's been complicated and I feel this weird internal agitation burning, but the calendar tells me that my period is imminent and that this sudden deterioration has an aura of deja vu.

Oh how I relate to this! And even before I even knew of WD I saw the sheer influence of the time of the month on my mood (I am someone with a naturally very very even mood so I notice changes easily 😆) it is safe to say that hormonal changes can be a huge factor on your (de)stabilisation.

 

As far as I have noticed, the "deja vu" part of WD can be as jarring as it is reassuring. In a "weird feelings come and go, but at least I know how to recognise them" way.

 

I hope the slight relief you felt, which is super encouraging, comes back around really soon. Keep it up, Erell, slowly but surely, you've got this! ♥

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm not saying it's easy every day, and my personal monkey (I call him Bob) regularly tells me I'll never get anywhere, but I relish the times I prove him wrong.

 

This made me laugh, Erell. I like the idea of naming our personal monkeys (we all have one!). 

 

Very glad to read you're seeing some improvements and are able to take an online class and enjoy watching movies again. 

[getofflex]

19 hours ago, Erell said:

the first 11 days were relatively quiet and I felt particularly confident as I noticed that after the drop the volume of intrusive thoughts/impulses were dropping, the sound was lower. It was nice to live some days with a confident energy and less violence inside in my head.

 

19 hours ago, Erell said:

And maybe my positive energy came from my last tip in my toolbox! Do I dare to admit it?
Okay, lately I'm starting to be able to watch movies again and start to feel positive thoughts while watching them. I only choose cute stories, nothing stressful... and I don't know how many hours I've spent watching cute romances lately, but my brain loves it! 😂

Oh Erell I'm so excited! I'm hearing improvements and healing here!  Woohoo!  

 

19 hours ago, Erell said:

Well, it didn't last: since last night, it's been complicated and I feel this weird internal agitation burning, but the calendar tells me that my period is imminent and that this sudden deterioration has an aura of deja vu. So I will patiently wait for the storm to pass... Grrrr, can I still say how much I hate being a menstruating person since I've been in this WD journey?!

These dang hormones!  I'm post menopausal, but some days, I get hit hard with hot flashes and other symptoms, so I know the hormone beast isn't completely dead yet, it still thrashes about at times.  

[getofflex]

19 hours ago, Erell said:

my brain is constantly playing a horror movie).

I suppose you are referring to dark thoughts that just insert themselves into your brain?  If so, I have these, too, at times.  I'm very sorry that you have this all the time.  That monkey Bob has got to go.  Someday, he will be evicted, or die.  

[wantrelief]

@Erell:  It made me so happy to read that you are experiencing some positive changes - that is really wonderful news!!  Healing is happening, dearest Erell 💖

[Erell]

Wow! I'm glad I wrote a post on a day of optimism, because my own words seem illusory these days!

I think I once read Rhiannon say that she considered that intense black doom cloud and the inability to achieve a positive thought or feeling as a symptom in its own. I think it's true, the strength of this spiral and cloud of distress is impressive, it makes you completely forget that brighter days are possible.

Deep down I know it's all related to my period, every month for the last two years it's been the same story and the DP/DR feelings explode along with the intense fear. Not always easy to stay grounded, but it does help to know that these phenomena are cyclical and not eternal as my mind would want me to believe.

 

Thank you so much for your feedbacks, the fact that people from outside see and read healing in my own word is very powerful, and I'm so grateful to be able to read you and show my mind that this wasn't just an illusion. ❤️

Grateful to peer-support ❤️ 

 

[arbor]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

the strength of this spiral and cloud of distress is impressive, it makes you completely forget that brighter days are possible.

Amen!!

 

To me the strength of your words reveal the strength that will get you through your recovery, dear @Erell  Gosh, it can be nearly unbearable in the meantime--

I send you many hugs,

Arbor

[brassmonkey]

Hi Erell-- I'm so glad that things are looking up on the whole. It sounds like you are making steady improvement over time.

 

I used to refer to the doom cloud as "the darkness". It was a wave of total despair, anger and frustration, filled with the worst thoughts imaginable. I sometimes took notes for writing horror stories, but never used them because they were too disturbing. The "nice thing" was that the waves were predictable, they showed a set pattern of symptoms over the previous few days, and once I learned to recognize them it made the dark times a little easier to handle. After a few days they would disappear and not bother me again for several months.

 

I would pay attention to the thoughts, step back and think about them and came to the understanding that they were just caused by the ADWD and really had nothing to do with my core beliefs. All I had to do was tolerate them until they went away, with the understanding that I could never allow myself act on them. Even through the haze of ADWD I know that such things were wrong, had terrible consequences and must be avoided. It was pretty shocking the first few times but eventually got easier, until the darkness faded into the background. Once in a while I still get little flashes of those thoughts, but now I can almost laugh at them when they appear.

 

It sounds like you have a good understanding of your "darkness" and are able to control it as best you can. Keep at it. Eventually it will fade.

 

[Rosetta]

Erell, 

I know that darkness, too.  I’m glad to hear that you have been feeling better.  Please know that you will eventually stop having those thoughts and images in your mind.  Hang in there! -Rosetta

[getofflex]

16 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

I used to refer to the doom cloud as "the darkness". It was a wave of total despair, anger and frustration, filled with the worst thoughts imaginable. I sometimes took notes for writing horror stories, but never used them because they were too disturbing. The "nice thing" was that the waves were predictable, they showed a set pattern of symptoms over the previous few days, and once I learned to recognize them it made the dark times a little easier to handle. After a few days they would disappear and not bother me again for several months.

I'm grateful to be a member of this forum.  The people in here are brave and courageous, and it's profoundly inspiring to see how our senior members guide us in ways to get through the bizarre and dark aspects of withdrawal from psychiatric meds.  We are truly pioneers.  

Edited June 7, 2022 by getofflex

[Greatful]

@Erell

How are you doing?  I know that you are trying a taper after holding for 2 years hold without progress.  Are you on liquid Prozac?

I really hope you find some positive response from going down... I have.  

There maybe a bump but I think you noticed a decrease in your brain craziness. I also feel that with the cuts. 

These drugs can be causing problems too, not just a unstable CNS. so we  might be getting it 2 ways, WD and adverse affects.  the girl in Medicating Normal sure was getting crazy on the drugs. 

My heart goes out to you.  You are such a inspiration to me.❤️ 

 

[Ariel]

Hi there @Erell

Thought i'd stop by to share a little goodnight story.

 

Two days ago around 8pm there was a sudden knock at my front door. It was so unexpected and the sound was such a shock, I felt intense startle reflex ripple through my entire body. Instantaneous WD fear reaction. I froze and my mind started freaking out, generating panicked signals. 

 

At the same time, part of me was giggling observing my extreme reaction. There was a voice saying, Omg, you've become such a total hermit, and such a complete anti-social paranoiac, that you are cowering in terror because of a knock at your door!?!! 

 

Even though part of me was laughing at myself, my nervous system did not find it funny at all. I hid in my bed until the knocking stopped and I heard the footsteps in the stairwell retreat and fade. I was shaking my head at my reaction, but at the same time, it was beyond my control. I knew it was WD, but I still felt a bit silly. And the worst part was I was so very curious to know who had stopped by to knock on my door! I got out of bed and opened the door to see if maybe someone had left something for me on my doorstep, but there was nothing there. I felt it was a missed opportunity. 

 

Well guess what? I'd forgotten all about this incident, when this evening around 8pm there was a loud knocking on my door again. I was already in bed but this time I wanted to know what the fuss was all about! I jumped out of bed (like a graceful gazelle! no, not at all -- like a clumsy, uncoordinated, groggy foggy WD klutz) and threw on some clothes and rushed to open the door lest the mystery knocker disappear in the meantime. 

 

Turns out it was my upstairs neighbor's adolescent-ish son, standing there with a big bag of fancy chocolates. He has thrown some noisy parties in the past 6 months (his mother spends a lot of time at her boyfriend's place, I think, so he has the house to himself a lot). I've been trying to be very tolerant, but a while back I finally couldn't take it anymore and complained to his mother. (Felt very guilty and O-L-D afterwards!) And suddenly tonight here he was at my door, armed with a bag of sweets and a very sincere-sounding apology. I hope the sight of him helped replace neuro-fear with a calmer, more trusting neural pathway in my brain!

 

It wasn't until after I'd closed the door that I thought to myself, Oh no, I can't eat any of this!  Which really, really made me laugh. No chocolate or sugar for me in WD, not even now, when I'm on my period. Any other time in my life, this would've been the greatest surprise/timing ever. 

 

So, my friend. I reach out through the aether and offer you an impressive assortment of fancy treats. Perhaps I might split them with you and we can virtually indulge, at no risk to our delicate systems. In honor of our healing brains and bodies, with all due deference to hormonal fluctuations and unusual, delightful manifestations of the universe knocking at our respective doors -- help yourself to the taste of teenage contrition. (There's even enough for Bob, if he's partial to sweets? I'll let you decide whether or not to share.)

 

Wishing you a peaceful night, sending healing vibes <3

A.

[Ariel]

@Erell

A little epilogue to last night's story. 

 

Today I was sorting through the big bag of sweets I'd received from the upstairs neighbor's son. I wanted to organize them into smaller goodie bags to give away, as I cannot eat them myself, and you are a virtual recipient (no less important for it, though).

 

There were so many of these fancy sweets, the sheer volume made me suspicious. I kept thinking to myself, Does this kid work in a candy shop? I imagined his mother telling him to make a nice gesture to "the lady downstairs" (blech, hard to believe that to some people that's who I might be! haha, life is one long series of (perceived) humiliations; but I digress). I imagined him going to work and grabbing everything he could out of some sort of personnel bin and stuffing it into his backpack and bringing it home. I was making up this scenario in my mind, and at the same time I was chastising myself for my cynicism. 

 

And so there I am, preparing to re-gift the gift, and telling myself stories amidst many other thoughts, when I notice something: an expiration date for February 2022. Intrigued I check all the expiration dates on all the boxes of chocolates and individually wrapped treats and sure enough, the whole lot of it is past the official expiration date! 

 

This really made me laugh. I laughed and laughed. I don't even know why it was so hilarious. The absurdity of the situation just seemed to skyrocket to the next level. 

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a snob. If I weren't in WD and able to tolerate sweets I would have torn into that stash regardless. Everything is vacuum packed and hermetically sealed and expiration dates for most processed foods are BS anyway. I have been known to dumpster dive and save expired food and in my own refrigerator I often keep things long past their purported end-by dates.

 

But something about this kid, his gesture with the outsized candy delivery, the humanness of the weird ambivalence and insincerity/convenience of giving away a massive amount of fancy chocolates that I am convinced he got for free (somewhere, either at his job or maybe from some other connection like that) -- the superficiality and inadequacy and immaturity of the thing (and I am not using those adjectives judgmentally) --  found it deeply touching. Like, there's an honesty to it. You know? He doesn't care more than he cares, and that's okay. I'm not sure I can articulate what I mean beyond that. 

 

Ultimately I now feel more moved by this incident than before. And it still makes me giggle to think about. With a kind of tenderness for human fallibility, including my own. I am the grumpy lady downstairs, I am also my neighbor's son. And between us pass the banal, beautiful communications of quotidian human existence: a boisterous home-alone teen party; a noise complaint from a chronically ill neighbor; an apology as unexpected as it is performative; a giant bag of expired sweets. 

 

Goodnight, wishing you peaceful rest, sending healing vibes <3

A.

 

P.S. 

I'm aware I've just put up two long posts in your thread. I do not mean to clog things. If you feel it would be best to hide them please feel free. I was just following the muse (always blame the muse!). 

[Heath]

@Ariel what a story ! 😂 Love it!
Little things big enough to change our focus and attitude and mood 👍

[Erell]

Thank you for the hugs my friends ! ❤️ 

 

On 6/6/2022 at 10:02 PM, brassmonkey said:

I used to refer to the doom cloud as "the darkness". It was a wave of total despair, anger and frustration, filled with the worst thoughts imaginable.  After a few days they would disappear and not bother me again for several months.

 

Thank you for sharing, it means a lot, really.
I'm quite lucky as I rarely experience anger, and I feel less despair than I did two years ago. 🙏

I feel mostly trapped by these constant thoughts/images/impulses. Everything I don't want to do harasses me 24/7. If I try to give non-triggering examples : opening the door during a car journey, yelling in the street, spilling my glass of water on my neighbour... It can be worse thoughts, as you described, but in short I spend my days and nights beset by these thoughts and the terror that my body might act before I realise it. Which, by the way, has never happened in two years, I only live in terror of the possibility. It's like my brain is nagging me with the opposite of what I want and who I am. I would never allow myself to act on this, but I live in the fear that ADWD could make me loose touch with reality.

That's why I live mainly at home, and as isolated as possible. My whole body is repulsed by these thoughts. And if you add the physical restlessness and the chemical fear, the days are exhausting!

 

Before my prozac bridge, I never thought you could be so tortured by your own mind. What makes me feel better is that I feel like the volume of these thoughts seem to decrease a bit as I decrease the prozac. 🙏 My hope is that I am experiencing side effects from taking prozac and that they will gradually disappear as I drop.
What worries me a bit is when I read testimonies like yours about months spent without these thoughts. This is not my case, they are constant, only the volume seems to vary. It worries me that this form of OCD may have become "embedded" in my brain function. I have tried CBT, but the exposure can be brutal in WD.

 

One day, Aurorax wrote :"Nothing will take control over your body and force you to do things against your will, even though it feels like that at times.", and I cherish this sentence when I need to ❤️ 

 

I also cherish the testimonies of those who went through this and can tell that it does get better, thank you.
By the way, if you're reading me and are being plagued by this particular symptom, you might find comfort in this amazing Succcess story (it is not in the success story section, but it truly is one !) :

 https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/2895-☼-antoinette-lexapro-withdrawal/page/4/

 

 

Please let me know if this post is triggering : It takes some weight off my shoulders to be able to talk about it a little bit because I haven't told anyone around me about this symptom, but I wouldn't want to cause stress to anyone in our community.

 

 

 

@Greatful thank you for sharing your experience, you are very generous. I know I find a lot of inspiration in your strenght, and I thank you for sharing it with us !
I am indeed on liquid Prozac, which makes it easy to do small drops. I think you might be right, we might be feeling the effects of WD as well as the effects of the drugs. In the end, it is a nervous system that is destabilised, under pressure, and doing its best to try to find a balance. I'm so glad to read that you're making some progress: I know we're still a long way from living a "normal" life, but you deserve so much serenity and peace that my heart warms to the idea that you can start to enjoy this much-deserved respite. ❤️ 

It will get better, I've read far too many success stories to doubt it, you will get better and one day our main concern during the day will be to know what to make for dinner or to complain because the alarm clock rang too early. What a wonderful life ! ☀️

 

 

Ok, I'll stop here as I can feel that my brain is moody today and sad with some doom feelings, I won't manage to write more.
Just thank you, to all of you, you help me remember that I'm not alone and that the outcome of all this adventure is healing ❤️ 

[wantrelief]

Hello dearest Erell:

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

What worries me a bit is when I read testimonies like yours about months spent without these thoughts. This is not my case, they are constant, only the volume seems to vary. It worries me that this form of OCD may have become "embedded" in my brain function.

I don't have the same thoughts as you but rather others that are all of the time, pretty constant as well.  It is like my brain is not my own.  I also am puzzled when people say that they have a symptom for a few months and then it goes away whereas mine also feels completely part of my brain. But....when I finally had that window or whatever it was, the thoughts did go away - my brain was once again my own.  Hopefully this brings you some more hope that these thoughts will not be a part of your brain function in the future even if you are not getting a full break from them now.  

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

What makes me feel better is that I feel like the volume of these thoughts seem to decrease a bit as I decrease the prozac.

This is wonderful to hear, Erell, and again a good sign to you that this is all drug related.....not you!

 

I am thinking of you, as always, and sending lots of love your way. 💖