Arti: paroxetine 17 years intolerably

[Arti]

Better today maybe 5 hours of sleep I got mad. Is this a pattern or what is it. Ich thought i had a Dream before wake up but Not sure when i wake up. 

My face what a piece of sh...t. It is like i am a different Person today. 

I am angry it is to long i lost so much Time for this. I saw the father of a good friend again after one or two years. He is meanwhile 82years old. I was talking to him, he has becoming very old and gaunt and hard of hearing. Last Time i saw him it wasnt like that. I was becoming very sad i recognized how much happend this 3,5 years. Another good friend has become a father. The World was changing and turning without me.

Sorry its a rollercoaster 

 

Arti 

 

[ChessieCat]

  Arti posted this elsewhere.

 

He has noticed some improvement in one of his symptoms so I wanted to include it here:

 

1 hour ago, Arti said:

I can confirm most of your symthom list. Its good to read to remember that things are Changing 

I wear no fitbit but i remember times i lay in bed and my heard was beating so hard my head was shaking. It was sometimes if it would jump out of the chest. 

It is Not longer so extreme. Sometimes it is beating harder or faster but Not as if it Would jump out.

No matter i have enough other stuff. But is shows that sometimes you dont even notice that something changes only when you remind of it.

[Longroadhome]

On 5/30/2022 at 11:01 AM, Arti said:

Better today maybe 5 hours of sleep I got mad. Is this a pattern or what is it. Ich thought i had a Dream before wake up but Not sure when i wake up. 

My face what a piece of sh...t. It is like i am a different Person today. 

I am angry it is to long i lost so much Time for this. I saw the father of a good friend again after one or two years. He is meanwhile 82years old. I was talking to him, he has becoming very old and gaunt and hard of hearing. Last Time i saw him it wasnt like that. I was becoming very sad i recognized how much happend this 3,5 years. Another good friend has become a father. The World was changing and turning without me.

Sorry its a rollercoaster 

 

Arti 

 

Hi Arti 

sorry for late reply. I have been away with the family. 
5 hours of sleep is good 😊. That’s progress . 
I really think because we are so backwards and forwards in this mess we can’t see that a better day/ night here or there is progress. Mainly  because we are immediately thrown back in the wringer. And at the moment it’s the odd hour here or there of feeling the symptoms are less intense. It’s such a bloody cruel mess to endure day in day out. To endure the unendurable. 
I get it. 
And sometimes it’s good to let it out. 
Say it as it is. Say how you feel. 
But NEVER give in. 

[Ariel]

@Arti

Just stopping by to wish you well <3

 

[ChessieCat]

Another post about Arti's recovery progressing:

 

On 6/10/2022 at 2:41 PM, Arti said:

I think this was my condition a year or two ago. Disconected to the World. Like when you watch a movie. 

Difficult to describe. If a bird sings,  a car passes, people laughing etc. I expected a certain feeling, but it didnt come. Instead i felt fear, anxiety and unreality, 

It is still not normal but not longer like this. It is still different when i look in the mirror but i see more me and i didnt got anxiety. 

 

[Longroadhome]

Hi @Arti

How are things with you 
Have you seen any further improvements?  
I hope you have even if they’re only tiny ones. 

[Arti]

Hi @Longroadhome

Thanks for asking. I had few better days i would say from sunday to wednesday. Now it is getting worse. But i know the recent i overdid it and i did to much. And also a few stressors. 

So today i am exhausted. But have an appointment wich will stress me again. 

So i would safe my energy and answering more detailed tomorrow or next week.

I read about your holiday and was a little jealous  but i am Happy for you that you could do that!

Wish you a Nice weekend 

 

Arti. 

 

[Longroadhome]

The better days will grow and grow @Arti. So good that you had a few in a row. 
I look forward to your more detailed reply when you can. 
When you are better you will be going on lots of holiday's. You don’t have to wait to be completely better either. Just when you feel you are ready.  
I’m a lot older than you so I can’t afford to miss out if I can possibly help it!! It came at a cost but what the heck! I got to spend time with family. You’ll have many healthy years where you can catch up so don’t be sad Arti. And I’ll be too old to get out of bed  then!! 🙃
Hope your weekend is stress free and the days are good to you. 

[Arti]

Hi @Longroadhome,

I will try to Report about last week it is difficult to remember right when you feel so different.

Yes it was better from saturday night to wednesday. Ich think i sleept this 4  nights between 4 and 5 hours maybe one night 6 hours, but and i hate to say allways but. In a strange way, again  different than weeks ago but strange, ich think no Dream and allways this Not perceifing waking. The pgad was less. 

It also was better during the day. I was working outside at the House although it was very Hot. Moving heavy boards. I noticed that this is not so good for me sometimes when it was to heavy i got tremor. I often rested and  was sitting in a chair. I made myself preasure to finish this work. 

Then i had a few Phone calls. And a few People Met me to talk a little. And i had emotional Stress with my Animals.  i noticed that all become to much. So on thursday and friday everything become worse. Also the weekend was difficult. But in a different way than weeks before.

Yesterday i was very exhaust. Heavy arms and legs. And a little melancholy and sadness. 

The best at these days last week was that i could believe, believe that it will get better and that i could heal. I read the post from Aurorax in Erell's thread, and i had many thoughts about it. I wanted to answer but it sounds crazy i was in some kind to busy. Now it is difficult again to believe. 

Today i feel between everything. Not good (on my scale) and Not so Bad. The night was better than the few nights before but worse than last week. I have a little subliminal fear in me. Fear of what may come and what brings the future. 

What i forgot a few times in the last three weeks i was riding a short distance maybe 5 or 6 kilometers with the bicycle in the morning that was very good and i liked it felt a little like life. 

There is and was a lot in between. and also other sympthoms  my head doesnt work like normal. Earworms, strange thougts brain fog etc.

i cannot tell everything. 

I hope i wrote not to confused.

I am waiting and hope that again I can go to holidays. My first goal would be a day trip. 

We will see. Difficult to believe in this moment. 

And i hope you also will have a Lot of healthy years before you with a lot of holidays . 62(if i remember right) is not old. There is still a Lot to come. 60 is the new 40. 

 

Arti 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Longroadhome]

Hi @Arti

Your detailed reply overall sounds positive. You’re going through the classic waves and windows pattern. The windows are days when you have hope of recovery, the waves are the difficult days when recovery seems impossible. 
You are managing to work a little outside the house and ride your bike and socialise. You couldn’t have done any of this not long ago. 
You also managed more hours sleep. Though still strange it’s better than it was. 
Recovery is  happening for you. Little by little it’s there in your words.

I think it’s also good to remember that your rate of recovery could speed up at anytime too. 
A day trip sounds possible in the near future. And how good will that feel 😊
 

You’re making good progress. 

[Longroadhome]

Thinking about you @Arti. 
How are things ? 

[Arti]

@Longroadhome

Im still here, thanks for asking. Im glad that your micro tapering works. You can allready see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope the amplification by Covid subside soon. You do a lot to distract and also to support the healing of your brain. How i see you love your dog Georgie. A while ago a women told me peolpe who love animals are good people. If thats true we must both actually be good people. I Love my chickens. 

 

The heat the last weeks triggers me a Lot. It was not possible to go out except in the morning hours and in the evening. I hope it will become little bit colder the next Time. An i had two appointments that also triggered me. But anyway i was able to manage this with my last Energy. I dont know if i could have done that last year. Things changing all the time difficult to say if worse or better. Its sometimes like i can feel something beeing adjusted in my brain. Emotions up and down, the vision, the perceiption of noise etc. But you know my worry the sleep is the worst part. And meanwhile i just cant believe that this could becoming normal again. For sure in some nights I must be sleep for a while even if i cannot perceive. After 4am i am definitely awake. And no further Rest is possible. The  last weeks i also developed a major Tinnitus. Dont know if this is WD or the result of 3,5 years of suffering. Two of my neighbours have such a cat fright device wich are sending high Frequent noise. I got mad. Mankind is killing itself. It starts with things like ukraine war goes on to AD and devices like that. They have a small 2 year old child its definitely great for the Girls hearing.

 

I defend myself for my condition. Eat healthy, follow my routine, ride this 5km bicycle if i can,

Care for my chickens, 478 breathing exercise (shep) etc. And try to keep the connections to my friends and family most with writing. All at a Level and intensity that i dont like but more is not possible.

Akathisia, anxiety, pgad, Frequent urinate decrease at a snails pace.

On the other side i have more headache the last Time and this tinitus. 

There is a lot more i could write Pages about sympthoms.

 

This second appointment was a short meeting with a politician From Berlin who Visited our area. 

I was able to have a short conversation with her i wanted to tell her that something going wrong in our area. Bevore and after that meeting my body got Crazy, skin Burning, heat, anxiety, breathing problems etc. I could feel the Adrenalin, cortisol etc. Meanwhile i think it settled down again to the normal bad condition. But i was proud that i did this.

When i was sitting in my car to drive home i was crying and screaming you won't get me down.

Ich think with you i mean the doctors, big Pharma, and the other Idiots who think AD's are Smarties 

Stupid i know. 

 

Arti

 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Arti there is so much positive news in your post.  I know you are still feeling awful but you are noticing some improvements even if they are only small and as you say you are able to do some things that you couldn't do last year.

 

37 minutes ago, Arti said:

This second appointment was a short meeting with a politician From Berlin who Visited our area. 

I was able to have a short conversation with her i wanted to tell her that something going wrong in our area. Bevore and after that meeting my body got Crazy, skin Burning, heat, anxiety, breathing problems etc. I could feel the Adrenalin, cortisol etc.

 

This is just the stress response.  When this happens it is important not to get scared, angry or upset about it but to try and do some relaxation exercises, like the breathing.

[Aurorax]

6 hours ago, Arti said:

This second appointment was a short meeting with a politician From Berlin who Visited our area. 

 

6 hours ago, Arti said:

But i was proud that i did this.

When i was sitting in my car to drive home i was crying and screaming you won't get me down.

 

You are amazing, Arti. ❤️

[Longroadhome]

Guten Morgen @Arti

Thank you for your reply. My symptoms are a little less intense so far this week. 

People show they have a good heart if they are kind to animals, yes. 
You have chickens! We hatched chicks at my nursery a couple of months ago and looked after them for a few weeks. The children loved them. It’s important to show young children how to care for animals from a young age so that they have respect for them.
Yes I agree the intense heat lately  has been a trigger for my symptoms to intensify too. And I’ve read that for others here too. It’s common during WD. 
You managed two appointments Arti, you couldn’t have done that even 6 months ago and it would have been impossible a year ago. You are improving! That’s a strike for you!!! Also well done you got your point across. 
I know sleep is the worst symptom for you still but at least now you get some. Remember your posts in the beginning how terrifying the nights were because of no sleep and how you couldn’t remember the falling to sleep too and how scared you were?
You don’t talk of this now so there are improvement right?

yes after we have had a symptom for such a long time it does feel as if it is permanent.  We all think the same of that one symptom we detest. But when WD is over for us this symptom will be gone along with all the others,  we care less about. wait and see. 

You have a lot to occupy you too. Looking after the chickens , riding your bike , looking after your health and socialising as much as you can. All good Arti. All keeping you in the “normal life” loop. I feel this is very important to continue during WD. 

Du wirst heilen, mach weiter my friend. 
 

[Arti]

Thank you guys for your Messages !!!

I have a lot in my head what i would like to write about. 

But today im just to exhausted. 

I'll come back to you 

 

Arti

[Arti]

On 7/26/2022 at 3:09 PM, ChessieCat said:

This is just the stress response.  When this happens it is important not to get scared, angry or upset about it but to try and do some relaxation exercises, like the breathing.

@ChessieCat i know yes, it is difficult when the body is so agitated. First of all nothing helps. 

Only Time a few days and at least a little sleep when you get it. In the long Run breathing exercise or a short walk in nature helps yes.

 

On 7/27/2022 at 4:05 PM, Longroadhome said:

It’s important to show young children how to care for animals from a young age so that they have respect for them.

Yes it is very important to Show it the Kids. Many Kids nowdays have no relations to Animals. 

 

I dont wanna whine. But it is very difficult these days. I think 4 days with nearly no sleep last Night i think a little. 

Es is sehr schwer an Heilung zu glauben ich versuche es ! (Translation:  It is very hard to believe in healing, but I am trying! )

Sometimes i think everything is worse than ever. Sometimes I think its better. 

The worst thing for me ist not getting what i'm longing for so much.

Sleep. My body and my brain hurts so much after this long time. 

 

I remembered a movie that i saw briefly in 2019. But it was too early at that time.

I searched that movie and looked it completely. 

Does anybody know this movie "cause of death unknown" i coudnt find something when i Searched here in SA.

This is only the Trailer 

https://www.moviepilot.de/movies/cause-of-death-unknown/trailer

Its a documentation From norway  the dircector Anniken Hoel lost her sister in psychiatry.

It made me sad and angry. But also definant and combative to keep going even when it seems hopeless. 

 

Today i am very sad it is so frustrating to fight and fight and  allways going back to evil.

Thanks for letting me be here.

 

Arti

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by ChessieCat
added deepL translation

[Ariel]

@Arti

 

4 hours ago, Arti said:

Today i am very sad it is so frustrating to fight and fight and  allways going back to evil.

Thanks for letting me be here.

 

Thank you for being here <3

I'm sorry you're having such a hard day.

I can relate to feelings of sadness and frustration.

WD can be so very difficult and lonely. 

We're in this together <3

 

4 hours ago, Arti said:

I remembered a movie that i saw briefly in 2019. But it was too early at that time.

I searched that movie and looked it completely. 

Does anybody know this movie "cause of death unknown" i coudnt find something when i Searched here in SA.

This is only the Trailer 

https://www.moviepilot.de/movies/cause-of-death-unknown/trailer

Its a documentation From norway  the dircector Anniken Hoel lost her sister in psychiatry.

It made me sad and angry. But also definant and combative to keep going even when it seems hopeless. 

 

Thank you for sharing about this film! 

I had never heard of it. 

I've just found it -- it's available in its entirety to watch on youtube.

I look forward to watching it when I feel strong enough.  

 

 

 

Remember, dear Arti:

This is temporary. It will pass. It gets better!

Healing is happening <3

Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. 

 

Sending hugs and healing vibes <3

A.

 

[Arti]

@Arielthanks for the link. Stupidly i was looking for the german Version and couldn‘t find it on youtube. 
I will also Watch it again when my mind allows it.
 

Thanks also for your words and the hugs!!

Sending also hugs back to you!!!

[arbor]

Dear @Arti--I send you best wishes as I struggle with you.

Arbor

[Longroadhome]

8 hours ago, Arti said:

Sometimes i think everything is worse than ever. Sometimes I think its better

I think we can all relate to this Arti. 
The early part of last month I felt my symptoms were not fluctuating so much.  More WD normal. The start of this month I feel bad. Symptoms more intense. This backward and forward pattern is what fills us with despair and makes it all feel worse than ever. 

[Arti]

thanks @arbor !! Also best wishes for you !!

 

@Longroadhome despair seems to be the right word and also frustration and hate. 

I would just to plan tomorow i'll do this or that but I cant do it because i dont know what the night will bring. I have a lot of anger in me I feel like a Animal in a cage. I have enough of sitting and waiting. 

Sorry yes your right there are improvement at least many changes i dont dare to admit it because i am afraid that its Not the case at all. 

Sorry that your sympthoms also ramp up this Month i hope it will settle down soon to WD normal !  you are so close before freedom. 

[Longroadhome]

Hello @Arti

Letting you know I’m thinking of you and hoping you have been able to get about a bit more this week on your bike or by foot. The weather here is extreme. Temperatures soaring. 
How are the chickens managing in this heat? 
 

[Arti]

Hello @Longroadhome thanks for asking was also thinking of you and how are you doing?

You say it the heat is extreme. Everything has dried up and the meadows are brown. The chickens also suffer an let their wings hang and pant for air. What i notice is that i can really sweat this was not possible the last few years. But anyway the heat triggers a Lot in addition i had a Big anger few days ago wich gives me also a big trigger for days i was not able to do anything. Yesterday was the first better day.  

Sleep is still very Bad. But sometimes i can sit on the Coach and Rest Not sleep only Rest was also Not possible beginning of the year. The improvements are there but very small and often i cannot recognize because the insomnia is so hard to endure. I dont know how long my body is able to go on with this nearly no sleep 3 years 5 years it makes me sad and hopeless that there are improvements on the one side but on the other sleep doesnt improved and i Ask myself why.

 

What i also was thinking the last time ist who i am and who i was under the paroxetine years. I remember more and more Situations and behaviors where i think this was not me. I remember also side effect wich i have had for years without knowing that this are side effects.  

 

I hope the heat subside this week so that maybe there is one less trigger! 

 

I see you are at 0,6mg maybe less meanwhile. Close to finish. Continue to wish the best !!!

It is a good feeling to throw less and less of this poison into yourself.

 

Arti 

[Longroadhome]

Hi @Arti

Thank you for your reply. 
it’s a really positive sign that you are seeing changes . The sweating and able to rest. You say they are small changes, but look at the bigger picture. You are NOT getting worse. Therefore the changes you are seeing mean your receptors are starting to work for themselves, instead of being managed by the drugs. This is good. If you think of it like planting a tree. It’s new, it’s fresh.. and nothing happens for a while . The roots need to establish themselves. And for a couple of years all we see of the tree is small changes. Then one day out of the blue we notice it has started to flourish. It’s branches are growing in all directions, the leaves 🍃 are shooting out everywhere. The roots have given it firm foundations to grow, be strong and thrive. And now it will be so forevermore..

Our receptors are the roots. At the moment you see small changes but you can’t see what’s happening inside. One day, just like the tree,  you will thrive once more. And maybe better than pre drug.
 

im not doing well this month. I’m almost at 0.4mg. Symptoms are intense and I think it’s because of the small amount . It’s like taking nothing  and I think my body is objecting. There’s been no other changes. I have around 6 weeks to go to be completely free of Paxil. I’ve been taking it since 2004, with a 4 year taper started in 2018. 

On 8/15/2022 at 2:06 PM, Arti said:

What i also was thinking the last time ist who i am and who i was under the paroxetine years. I remember more and more Situations and behaviors where i think this was not me. I remember also side effect wich i have had for years without knowing that this are side effects

How I identify with this!
While on the drug I never questioned it. Now looking back I think I was numb to so many things around me and how I reacted to them. 
And so many things wrong with me physically that I did not associate with taking Paxil. 
 

Wir werden heilen, mach eintach weiter. 

We will heal, just keep going. 

 

Edited August 16, 2022 by ChessieCat
added translation so other members can get benefit from it as well

[Ariel]

Hi @Longroadhome

Thank you for your kind message posted in Carmie's thread. 

It was sort of like visiting a friend and having them say, Oh by the way, L stopped by earlier and left you a note. 

Very sweet. 

 

On 8/16/2022 at 8:34 AM, Longroadhome said:

If you think of it like planting a tree. It’s new, it’s fresh.. and nothing happens for a while . The roots need to establish themselves. And for a couple of years all we see of the tree is small changes. Then one day out of the blue we notice it has started to flourish. It’s branches are growing in all directions, the leaves 🍃 are shooting out everywhere. The roots have given it firm foundations to grow, be strong and thrive. And now it will be so forevermore..

 

Thank you for this beautiful image. It resonates with me. 

I love trees. 

 

On 8/16/2022 at 8:34 AM, Longroadhome said:

im not doing well this month. I’m almost at 0.4mg. Symptoms are intense and I think it’s because of the small amount . It’s like taking nothing  and I think my body is objecting. There’s been no other changes. I have around 6 weeks to go to be completely free of Paxil. I’ve been taking it since 2004, with a 4 year taper started in 2018. 

 

I'm sorry you're having a rough month. 

Amazing how low you're getting, how very far you've come!

I hope the symptoms ease up for you soon, wishing you moments of peace and relief before your next drop. 

Sending healing vibes ❤️

Edited August 18, 2022 by Erell

[Arti]

Thanks @Longroadhome for the tree Metapher! Very well written. You can literally Imagine that it is like this. I hope it really !!! I hope that believe in it will eventually banish the fear.

All i can Do is to care about the roots of the tree. 

 

On 8/16/2022 at 8:34 AM, Longroadhome said:

im not doing well this month. I’m almost at 0.4mg. Symptoms are intense and I think it’s because of the small amount . It’s like taking nothing  and I think my body is objecting. There’s been no other changes. I have around 6 weeks to go to be completely free of Paxil. I’ve been taking it since 2004, with a 4 year taper started in 2018. 

Its getting bumpy at this low Dose. You cannot build up a constand drug Level. And if i understand it right the body metabolize the drug faster at this low Level. I think real stabilization in this Phase with Holding the Dose is Not possible. You do a very good Job ! You are close to the end.

And even if there is something coming after finished the tapper, the certainty to reached Zero will inspire you. 

On 8/16/2022 at 8:34 AM, Longroadhome said:

While on the drug I never questioned it. Now looking back I think I was numb to so many things around me and how I reacted to them. 
And so many things wrong with me physically that I did not associate with taking Paxil. 
 

We will see who we are when more Time Has passed.

The last Time i also remember Situations more than 20 years ago before paroxetine

I can literally feel the situation. 

 

Wir werden heilen!!

I hope this come true

 

Arti 

 

[Erell]

@Arti, I wanted to thank you for posting here regularly: reading your messages gives me a lot of strength, each time !
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job at taking care of the roots of the tree.

I know how hard the days and nights can be, and how they all seem to be the same, but when I read your last few messages I see a real difference. As the months go by, you seem stronger and more peaceful.

I don't know if that's how you feel, and indeed it's rarely how we feel when we're caught up in the seemingly endless chaos.

 

But when I read you, I know in my heart that one day soon we will say, "look at this, we did it, and even when it didn't feel like it, we were already on our way to recovery".

 

❤️ 

[Ariel]

Hello @Arti

I just realized I mistakenly posted a message to Longroadhome here in your topic. I'm sorry about that. 

I will take the opportunity to express how much I appreciate your comments across the site. 

You are a remarkable human being, thank you so much for sharing your journey, your wisdom, your heart. 

I believe in you. We will heal, and healing is already happening -- healing is happening all the time <3

In solidarity and support,

A.

[Arti]

Thanks @Erell @Ariel for your warm words !!!

I only write how i am and how i feel at that moment. Assessing my own situation is difficult 

21 hours ago, Erell said:

As the months go by, you seem stronger and more peaceful.

Yes i have also the feeling.  But i am afraid it might be not true.

What i can say is it is very different than Month ago. 

 

It makes me happy when my comments are helpfull for others.

I would like to follow all of your Posts and Threads. But can do that only sometimes.

Sometimes it is to much for me and to be honest if i have better days i Would stay away of the forum and do other things that i am able to do. 

To fill my heard and brain with other Impressions and Dreams.   

 

Wish you all the best and a Lot of progress !!!

 

Arti 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

2 hours ago, Arti said:

Sometimes it is to much for me and to be honest if i have better days i Would stay away of the forum and do other things that i am able to do. 

To fill my heard and brain with other Impressions and Dreams. 

 

And this is how it should be.  You don't need to be here on the forum when you can be out enjoying some things.

[Longroadhome]

@Arti I look forward to an update . Don’t be frightened about posting a positive. I understand this way of thinking,  as we always worry it won’t last. So when you are ready,  measure your recovery from the beginning of your journey, and not by the ups and downs getting there. 
 

This is in reply to your last post on my thread.

 

Vielen dank, das sie  Ihre genesungsreise geteilt haben, es ist inspirierend.

 
Thank you for sharing your recovery journey, it is inspiring. 

 

[Arti]

Normaly it would be time for an update. But i just want to write a little bit 

Because I dont know really what to write. It is a rollercoaster. And some way i have enough to repeat the same sympthoms again and again. 

Meanwhile i have money problems my savings are getting low after four years without the abilitiy to work, this triggers a Lot. I got a temporary pension but the office dont want contine to pay. Its hard to keep up in this state and fight with the social office, and im relucant to do it because i actually want to work. 

And it is so different today it is a better day because i got a little bit sleep this night 

2 days ago after 4 days with nearly no sleep i wanted to write here that i give up and leave SA

Also the thinking is so different. 

Anyway i have a lot to do before winter comes. In the garden, in the house and for my animals. And i do that in my speed and according to my abilities. 

Yesterday i saw a book on my dessert table wich i had stopped reading  almost 4 years ago. 

A bookmark is right in the middle i read the last sentence before this bookmark but i couldnt remember. If i ever get to read books again i think i have to start at the beginning.

 

One additional Thing. I recognize that i am interrested in world events, economic, politics and other topics. And meanwhile i could understand more and more this prozesses ans also connections. 

It sounds strange but under paroxetin i couldnt understand many of this things like i had a knot in my head. 

 

Again more like a few sentences. 

 

@Longroadhome  hope you get along with your sympthoms! Time works for you 

@Hanna72 god to read that you carry on ! Best wishes 

@Erell i read you have a difficult time. 

At the beginning of my odyssee i was in a psycosomatic Hospital  a terrible Place but different story.

My room neighbour believe my story. Significantly he was one of two patients in the whole clinic Who never took pills, 

He gave me a poem of Rainer Maria Rilke wich has been hanging on my pinnboard since that time. I found a english translation

 

What moves me

One should let things

have their own, silent

undisturbed development,

that comes deeply from within

and cannot be forced

or accelerated by anything.

All is full-born

and then

bear...1

 

Maturing as the tree,

that does not push its saps

and stands staunchly in the storms of spring,

without fear

that after it perhaps

a summer would not come.

Yet it comes!

 

However, it comes only to the patient ones,

who are there, as if eternity

lies before them,

so careless, quiet and wide...

 

One should be patient

with the unresolved in the heart,

and attempt to love the questions themselves,

like closed rooms,

and like books, that in a very special language

have been written.

 

What matters is to live everything.

When one lives the questions,

one will maybe live gradually

without noticing,

on a special day,

into the answer.

 

 

Im Not a particularly intellectual guy

But somehow i think it fits for us 

 

Arti 

 

 

 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

38 minutes ago, Arti said:

Yesterday i saw a book on my dessert table wich i had stopped reading  almost 4 years ago. 

A bookmark is right in the middle i read the last sentence before this bookmark but i couldnt remember. If i ever get to read books again i think i have to start at the beginning.

 

I had this happen with many movies.  My daughter lent me her DVDs of movies that we saw together when they were at the cinema, and most of them I couldn't remember them so it was like I was watching them for the first time.  Some of them I could remember bits and pieces. 

[Longroadhome]

On 11/3/2022 at 4:02 PM, Arti said:

Normaly it would be time for an update. But i just want to write a little bit 

Because I dont know really what to write. It is a rollercoaster. And some way i have enough to repeat the same sympthoms again and again. 

Meanwhile i have money problems my savings are getting low after four years without the abilitiy to work, this triggers a Lot. I got a temporary pension but the office dont want contine to pay. Its hard to keep up in this state and fight with the social office, and im relucant to do it because i actually want to work. 

And it is so different today it is a better day because i got a little bit sleep this night 

2 days ago after 4 days with nearly no sleep i wanted to write here that i give up and leave SA

Also the thinking is so different. 

Anyway i have a lot to do before winter comes. In the garden, in the house and for my animals. And i do that in my speed and according to my abilities. 

Yesterday i saw a book on my dessert table wich i had stopped reading  almost 4 years ago. 

A bookmark is right in the middle i read the last sentence before this bookmark but i couldnt remember. If i ever get to read books again i think i have to start at the beginning.

 

One additional Thing. I recognize that i am interrested in world events, economic, politics and other topics. And meanwhile i could understand more and more this prozesses ans also connections. 

It sounds strange but under paroxetin i couldnt understand many of this things like i had a knot in my head. 

 

Again more like a few sentences. 

 

@Longroadhome  hope you get along with your sympthoms! Time works for you 

@Hanna72 god to read that you carry on ! Best wishes 

@Erell i read you have a difficult time. 

At the beginning of my odyssee i was in a psycosomatic Hospital  a terrible Place but different story.

My room neighbour believe my story. Significantly he was one of two patients in the whole clinic Who never took pills, 

He gave me a poem of Rainer Maria Rilke wich has been hanging on my pinnboard since that time. I found a english translation

 

What moves me

One should let things

have their own, silent

undisturbed development,

that comes deeply from within

and cannot be forced

or accelerated by anything.

All is full-born

and then

bear...1

 

Maturing as the tree,

that does not push its saps

and stands staunchly in the storms of spring,

without fear

that after it perhaps

a summer would not come.

Yet it comes!

 

However, it comes only to the patient ones,

who are there, as if eternity

lies before them,

so careless, quiet and wide...

 

One should be patient

with the unresolved in the heart,

and attempt to love the questions themselves,

like closed rooms,

and like books, that in a very special language

have been written.

 

What matters is to live everything.

When one lives the questions,

one will maybe live gradually

without noticing,

on a special day,

into the answer.

 

 

Im Not a particularly intellectual guy

But somehow i think it fits for us 

 

Arti 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello @Arti

 

it’s good to hear from you. I think about you, and others on here where I have been followed their journey often. 
 

The poem is beautiful and resonates to all going through WD.
To make peace the storm, to wait unafraid, to let be what comes.. until it is there..

Thank you for sharing. 
 

It is a roller coaster, the good days, the bad but remember there was a time when all days were bad, not so long ago. You’re improving  and one day, all days will be good and you will be out living your life, and as you said in an earlier posting, the need to be on SA will be something you no longer want or have to do.

 

I am sorry you have financial worries that add to your stress, I hope you can work things out. Here in England for mental health problems where you cannot work, you can claim disability living allowance. It’s not a lot, and I don’t know how people would manage on it with the energy bills as they are and rising food costs etc but at least now mental health is recognised as a disabling illness that needs support.  

It is good that you take interest in world events now. Yes I believe Paxil numbs the brain, nothing is clear, skewed thinking. I have experienced years of this. 
 

As for me I’m hanging in there Arti. One month free as of yesterday. Like you, I can’t keep repeating the symptoms, suffice to say, no change. 
 

Keep going as you are. 
 

Du bist eine inspiration. 

You are an inspiration.

 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
added translation

[Arti]

Its Crazy chessiecat. I am Not able to wach movies but i think its the same like with books. 

 

@Longroadhome thank you for the compliment  but not i am the Inspiration but you ! 

 

On 11/4/2022 at 6:50 AM, Longroadhome said:

I am sorry you have financial worries that add to your stress, I hope you can work things out. Here in England for mental health problems where you cannot work, you can claim disability living allowance. It’s not a lot, and I don’t know how people would manage on it with the energy bills as they are and rising food costs etc but at least now mental health is recognised as a disabling illness that needs support.

Yes Here in germany you can get temporary pension. But wd is not recognized by doctors and the Offices. And im relucant to pretent to be quasi mental ill. To be honest i got hate if i have to discuss with this People. I Would Love to work at least part time for a few hours per week. 

But with this insomnia it is not possible. 

 

We will see what future brings. 

 

I wish you a nice week!!!

 

@manymoretodaysthank you!

I didn't know the poem Thread before.