Lilmizz21: Introduction - Advice needed

[manymoretodays]

So sorry to hear that it's been ongoing, non-stop torture since late August Lilmizz.  Not a single Window at all, ever, since then?

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

And also so excellent that you can sleep now too!  Many members would love to get decent sleep.  That's a plus for your eventual healing.

 

 

And yes, you most definitely, would only want to try 1 mg, and no more than 2.5 mg of the Amitriptyline, just to see if it did take a little of the edge off your symptoms now.

And my previous post, which you'll find when you scroll up, was just giving you the links so that you could work out the reinstatement, if you do decide to try. 

Did you get a chance to look at the tapering topic to see if any of those methods of getting a very small dose would be at all doable for you?

 

Sounds crazy, but it might actually help you, to focus on the particulars of getting even a 1 mg dose now.  I don't think it will make you feel worse to try to focus on some particulars.  And then ask about that? 

 

What you focus on, is often what you see and feel, and persists.......so all I am saying is focus on that you that is doing better, start to see her, and imagine her.  It can't hurt a bit.

 

And then perhaps giving it a try.  I can't imagine it would make current symptoms worse.

 

Or decide completely, that you do not wish to try at all.

 

Hard to decide, I know, but if there is the chance that it might help, there is that chance.

As it states in the reinstatement topic, we don't expect that it will return you to excellent and perfect functioning, in many cases,  it might help only to take the edge off a little bit, of what could be WD symptoms now.

 

You do need to decide.  I think you'll feel better once you do.

 

Sometimes doing something, even if it is just making a solid decision helps. 

 

Meantime, holding your hand, and hoping you can get some in person human support of some kind very soon.  That will understand, offer comfort, and allow you to make the decisions, affecting you.   It'll come, and then.......hang on to your faith, whatever that might be, ask for help and guidance......it usually shows up more often than not.  I know it's all unseen right now, just bunches of folks on the internets rooting for you.......but it's real.

 

Best I can do today.  Adding in a there, there. Scroll back and rather than read about symptoms, and stay stuck in fear, go to the videos and listen to Baylissa.  You can explore the peace she sows so brilliantly.

 

With Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

@Lilmizz21 why do you think you're psychotic?

 

Please pay careful attention to the instructions the staff gives you, we are always concerned about limiting risk.

[Lilmizz21]

@AltostrataI just get obsessions about weird stuff, racing thoughts. My brain has all different sensations in it, burning, sometimes like gripping, sometimes like crushing.

 

And last night I didnt sleep at all but I was having like image scenario (dreams almost) but I was definitely consciously awake.

 

It's just getting so scary what they've done to me.

[Farout]

On 11/13/2021 at 12:51 AM, Lilmizz21 said:

@Altostrata @manymoretodaysI am getting so scared.

 

I am - shaking, compulsions, impulses, racing thoughts, depression, tinnitus, eye flickering, obsessions with concentrating on my body (mad I know I was never like this),  head pressures.

 

I am so scared. Is this normal? 

This sounds absolutely normal for an adverse reaction. I believe you. I was like that too. Most people I speak to on here after an adverse event have severe OCD style intrusive thoughts hitting them thick and fast. 
 

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t recovered fully (or on their way to it) after a bad reaction.  It does take time but you won’t spend it all in this state. It will get better. 

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21 

This can be really scary.  I had dream/awake dreams  like this  happen in the early mornings, It is scary because it feels like a dream but you know you are awake. It's like half and half.

This is all so new to you and very scary.  Try not to panic and feel like you are going insane.  It happens to may others, Here are some links to look over.

 http://Withdrawal causing repetitive or intrusive thoughts, rumination, and increased panic?

http://Dream while awake? Sleep paralysis, hypnogogic hallucinations, sleep-state misperception

http://Obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD: Repetitive intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors

 

 

 

3 hours ago, Lilmizz21 said:

My brain has all different sensations in it, burning, sometimes like gripping, sometimes like crushing.

I have this and have had it for months.  You will get use to it.  It does make it hard to think and concentrate though.  Try to remember all these things are happening to you but they are not you.  My heart goes out to you , I know how hard it is not to get caught up in the panic and spiraling fear.  I can't imagine trying to go through this with no support at home. But you are strong and just keep reminding yourself that the thoughts and sensations are just, that thoughts and sensations, they can't hurt you. 

Keep reaching out, we are here to listen, encourage and help you feel connected to other people.❤️ 

[Lilmizz21]

I have decided to sort of do a diary today of what I go through

 

Sleep - dreams while awake

11:00am - 5:30pm - obsessional thoughts, racing thoughts constantly, weird thoughts 

5:30pm onwards - depression, SI, crying constantly 

 

Will do this for some days on here just so I can see any worsening or improvements

[Altostrata]

Yes, I agree with @Farout, many people here have those symptoms from an adverse drug reaction. Those are not symptoms of psychosis.

[Lilmizz21]

@Altostrata

@Greatful

@manymoretodays

 

Thank you all for your reassurance. This is very scary. My thoughts just arent my own anymore. And it's so so scary. 

 

All different types of sensations in my brain and now not sleeping which was my only way out.

 

Can I ask the opinions on nytol? The anti histamine 

[manymoretodays]

Hi Lilmizz21,

And darn, on your sleep getting so messed up now.

23 hours ago, Lilmizz21 said:

I have decided to sort of do a diary today of what I go through

 

Sleep - dreams while awake

11:00am - 5:30pm - obsessional thoughts, racing thoughts constantly, weird thoughts 

5:30pm onwards - depression, SI, crying constantly 

 

Will do this for some days on here just so I can see any worsening or improvements

 

And excellent ^.  You have the hours on the left too, which makes it easy to understand.  I'd try a little further breakdown of hours, and then adding in any non-drug coping you are using.  You can evaluate what helps that way.  Some will add in meals too.  Do keep eating, and try not to let big gaps of time go by between eating, as hypoglycemia can certainly add to the lows you feel.

 

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

If it was me, I'd certainly try a little bit of melatonin, before trying Nytol or dyphenhydramine.

The Melatonin for sleep topic is here

I've always found melatonin very useful in helping me fall asleep.  Start with just 0.25 or 0.5 mg.  If you can get the kind that melts under your tongue/sublingual all the better.  It gets absorbed fairly quickly that way.

 

Antihistamines for withdrawal insomnia

And more about antihistamines ^

 

*good rule of thumb to follow- start low, go slow, and don't be trying more than one new thing at a time.  So.....you could try just 12.5 mg of the dyphenhydramine, instead of the whole 25 mg adult dose in Nytol.  And then don't go overboard on using it all the time.  Use sparingly.  The only drawback, or risk, is that for some it will go paradoxical, or have the opposite effect than desired.  Slight chance it could rev you up, or stimulate.  That's why I would go with something gentler first.

 

I'm hopeful your sleep comes back soon.  Sounds very tough with some of the situational stressors you have going now.

 

Best for your rest, and sleep princess......

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited November 15, 2021 by manymoretodays

[Lilmizz21]

@manymoretodays @Greatful @Altostrata

 

I'm also going to make a decision on reinstating today.

 

I cant go on like it. I have so many symptoms its actually dangerous. 

 

My concern is if I reinstate and taper amtricline will the adverse reaction which could also be lingering just be there anyway and I'll always have that to deal with regardless of tapering. 

[deg1979]

Hey, there. I don’t have a lot of advice to give since I’m in a similar situation. I had an adverse reaction to 2.5 mg Lexapro on 9/9. The day after I took it, I woke up feeling like I had a fever and was sick. I was also beginning to have trouble with my emotions—they were stronger than normal. I continued that way for five more days before I woke up to a massive panic attack (the first I’d ever had). The panic attacks came back to back, and I was afraid I had serotonin syndrome or something, so I went to the ER. There they ruled out other things and decided it was caused by Lexapro. 
 

I’m not sure I have had the brain feelings you talk about, but I have had all the other symptoms. It is terrifying when it seems we don’t have control over our brains. One thing that has helped me was to look into some of the resources on this site related to dealing with anxiety. I think someone already posted the link for you, but you can just search anxiety also.

 

It feels terrifying, but it can’t hurt you. I don’t think you’re losing your mind. I know it feels like it, believe me, I feel the same way. Try not to allow the thoughts and sensations to affect you. Don’t let them make it worse. The fear that the thoughts and sensations bring up really compounds the anxiety and the body’s fight or flight response. Do anything (non-pharmaceutical) you can to try to calm yourself. Take slow walks, take a bath, aromatherapy—anything you can tolerate to soothe yourself. Don’t fight yourself. Practice self care. You are going through what I’m guessing is one of the worst experiences of your life, and it sounds like you don’t have a lot of support. Don’t try to fight or ignore your symptoms. Just recognize them for what they are—your brain struggling to heal itself after an injury. 
 

I would follow the moderators’ instructions carefully. I know it is hard, because our symptoms are so distracting and our brains struggle to think clearly. Personally, I think it gets more confusing the more medications you take, because you can’t tell what is causing what. It is hard, because I know we want it to end, so we try different things to try to make ourselves better. I am learning the hard lesson that it is best to let our brains have stability. Be conscious of what makes your brain feel worse—for me I cannot watch TV at all or a panic attack will begin out of nowhere. It’s really the only thing that causes them for me right now. I also can’t allow myself to ruminate on if I am going crazy or not. Even the mention of people joking about mental illness scares me right now. I know exactly what you mean when you say this is not you. You’re right, it’s not, and it’s the same way for me. Remember to tell yourself that. This is not you. This is because of harm caused to you by Lexapro. I truly do not believe you are losing your mind or going crazy. Your brain is struggling to heal, that is all. Our only job is to give it the best chance possible, in the same way we would a broken leg. 

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979 Hi Deg. So sorry to hear you have had adverse reaction too. 

 

It is genuinely horrible.

 

Can I ask how far along in recovery you are? And how are you? 

 

Can you relate to the obsessional thoughts?

 

If I had my thoughts back I could cope

 

thank you so so much for taking the time to reach out to me 

[deg1979]

Another note—do you take any other prescriptions, vitamins, or supplements? I was taking quite a few when this happened to me. I immediately went off all of them because I was scared to take anything. Two weeks later I started taking most of them again. Two weeks after that, I began researching every one of them and found that some were probably not helping me at all. For example, I was taking 50 mg spironolactone twice a day for acne, but studies have shown that levels of cortisol double one hour after taking it and continue to rise until the two hour mark. I definitely didn’t need that happening in my system. Long story short, research anything you take, and try to eliminate anything unnecessary. For now I decided acne is tolerable if means I can avoid the cortisol spikes the medication was causing. 
 

Some of the things our bodies tolerated before our adverse reaction can cause problems. Imagine how a wound feels sensitive to any touch. I imagine our brains the same way—wounded and inflamed and struggling to heal. Don’t do what I did and stop taking everything for two weeks, then go back on it all again, then stop again. You want things to remain stable for your brain and body. Also, I’m still struggling to learn this myself—just a week ago I added a supplement I thought I could handle, and it set me way back in terms of what my nervous system can handle. Avoid things that can upset you—loud noises and stressful situations. When you begin to feel a little more calm, you will naturally want to be out and about more. If you are like me, you did not have agoraphobia or anything like that, so I don’t believe you will have it now. My therapist is trying to help me figure out what is causing my anxiety, and I have to keep telling her my anxiety is literally caused by fear I’m going insane and fear I won’t get better and be myself again! But remember that this is actually happening to other people all over the world, and we are here to support one another.

[deg1979]

Well, I took my first dose of 2.5 mg Lexapro on September 3rd, so I am just a few days off from you. I did take it for 6 days before it caused a serious enough reaction to make me stop taking it. Looking back, I did have an immediate systemic reaction, but I didn’t think it was Lexapro at the time. I got myself covid tested instead.🙄

 

I was given Ativan the first time I went to the hospital. A week after that visit, I went back to a psych consult because I was terrified by the akathisia, the SI, racing thoughts, horrific depression, which I call the jaws of hell gaping wide open to swallow me whole. I thought I was insane. I was terrified. At the hospital at that visit, they prescribed Klonipin (clonazepam)—I do not recommend taking either of those because they are benzodiazepines and are very addictive. Drs will tell you that you can take them for a certain amount of time without becoming dependent, but with our damaged, sensitive brains I do not believe that is true. I think it messed me up every time I took it. 
 

They also prescribed hydroxyzine, which is an antihistamine sometimes used to treat anxiety, and I am still taking it. As a rule, the site does not advocate taking psych meds. Someone linked you to the thread on antihistamines already. Basically they work on some of the same receptors in the brain, so it may or may not be a good choice. People can have paradoxical reactions, the effects can wear off over time, and I don’t think we really know how they affect our brain’s healing. But I am taking it because I do feel it is helping me cope with the anxiety somehow. It doesn’t take it away completely. I don’t actually know of anyone currently participating in the site who is using it around the clock like I am, so I was at first worried about taking it and thought I should stop. When I stop I’m thrust back into the gaping jaws of hell, so I keep taking it. 

[deg1979]

I also worry because it is only advised for short term use—depending on what source I find that is 2,4, or according to my mental health dr, 6 months. One thing that helped me was getting a therapist, if that is available to you. Also, is there anyone who can advocate for you as far as your housing and custody issues? 

[deg1979]

I think I have the obsessional thoughts, but I don’t know if it’s the same. I have certain things that my brain will think, and I have to turn them around and tell myself that’s not true. Sometimes I will think I’m a waste of space, or a failure, or I’m disappointing others. I worry that my marriage will end and my husband will use this against me to take custody of my kids. I worry that I will not sleep at night—that has been a huge struggle for me. I worry that I will not get better, that I am broken and can’t be fixed. I also tend to obsess over choices and decisions, thinking if I make the wrong one it will negatively affect what happens in the future. 
 

For each one of these thoughts, I have developed a positive response. I tell myself that I am and always have been a good mother, and nothing can change that. That I have an injury just like any other, and that I am doing everything that can be expected to get better. I am not a failure—I am succeeding against this awful struggle. I won’t stay this way—I believe the in the power of our bodies and minds to heal. I know this is not me—I sometimes feel just like my old self. Do you ever have times like that?

 

How is your sleep? Not sleeping makes all of my symptoms worse. When I have one of these thoughts, I recognize it as a negative, obsessive thought and then think my positive thought instead. It doesn’t take it away—I still feel hopeless and depressed—but I also don’t want to ruminate on it and allow it to take hold. But it is a battle every single day. Be kind to yourself. You are fighting a hard battle. Take it a day or even an hour or a minute at a time. Is there any way for you to be around other people? I know I do better around people rather than alone with nothing but my thoughts. 

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979 your certainly not a failure but a warrior. 

 

This is so lovely to have someone on the same time frame as me. (Not lovely, but I hope you know what I mean) comfort I mean. 

 

Sometimes I feel I'm myself and putting the thoughts into my own head but then that scares me even more. Does that make sense? 

 

If the thoughts went away I could be mostly recovered so thinking I'm myself living through the hell of the thoughts makes me feel there is no end to them. 

 

But I too do believe in healing. I really do. You are doing brilliant. 

 

I live in a country alone. With no family. My son is at his dads and everyone just leaves me here like this to be honest. 

 

I've begged people for help but nobody is interested, everybody thinks I'm just doing this to myself and its mental illness. 

 

I've lost 2 and a half stone since september, barely able to cope or get out of bed. Everyone wanted to know me when I had everything, now that I have nothing. No one is anywhere to be seen

 

just the way it works I suppose. I have been so lucky to have this forum and facebook pages and lovely people like you. 

 

keep going your doing so well!! 

[deg1979]

I also lost a lot of weight in September. Since then it’s held pretty steady. There was another person on here who had an adverse reaction at the same time we did. I think his was Sept 3rd-Sept 8th, one day shorter than mine. And he took a different SSRI, I think. He hasn’t been on here lately, though. 
 

Keep me posted on how you are doing, and also don’f hesitate to reach out. I have some well meaning people who reach out occasionally, but really what can they do? It’s always good to just have someone to vent to, or someone to tell the utter hell to when you know other people won’t understand. I really think this is one of those things people just cannot understand unless they have lived through it.

 

So things are going OK with your custody of your son? That is good. Remember that this is temporary. It will go. And your mood will change from one hour to the next. It’s like riding waves. Just relax as much as possible and try to live through it. When I tell you these things, I am also telling myself! This is what I am trying to do.

 

Oh, gosh, I didn’t know how much a stone is until I looked it up. That’s a lot of weight! I only lost 10 lbs, but I didn’t weigh much to begin with. 
 

Have you had any weird physical sensations—paresthesia? That is one of my symptoms that really bothered me. I think it’s beginning to let up. It usually feels like icy hot waves pouring from my neck down, and sometimes up over the back of my head. Sometimes it goes full body. Occasionally it feel like electricity or burning, but those times I am usually feeling other pain. It started the night of my adverse reaction when I had the night of back to back, constant panic attacks. When it reaches my fingers and toes it feels like tingles. So bizarre.

[Lilmizz21]

@deg1979 hi deg. God I know it really does change from hour to hour.

 

I have tried to change my approach today. I have tried to do things despite and the day has went quicker although I have struggled. 

 

I have all different types of sensations, ear ache, brain sensations, shaking all over, I honestly get so many sensations and tinnitus. 

 

I hope you have a good day. Well as good as can be for us right now.

 

Please keep me updated on your journey. Have you got your appetite back?

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21 @deg1979 I have enjoyed reading your conversation, and find myself saying yeah that's sounds like me on a lot of things

Lilmizz I wonder how much of the brain sensations have to do with the Lexapro.  My brain squeezing, crushing, tingling, numbing, claw or vice grip just to name of few of the brain pain, has been going on for months.  And the ear (light) ache gets worse when I am over stimulated, or around to much noise.  I also have lost a lot of weight, somewhere around  30 pounds..... I started the Lex in April and should have stopped it like you did because my brain went crazy. But thought I would power through the start up garbage.  Then I was on it about a month when I told the doctor I can't do this anymore.  Well now I am trying to get off of it.  Long story..........

 

15 hours ago, deg1979 said:

paresthesia? That is one of my symptoms that really bothered me. I think it’s beginning to let up. It usually feels like icy hot waves pouring from my neck down, and sometimes up over the back of my head

deg1979  I think I have this.  I get weak arm muscles a lot, sometimes the legs too, but sometimes I can't tell if the feel frozen, hot or tingling like electricity in them.  

 

[Lilmizz21]

@Greatful thank you for sharing your story. How have you been finding tapering? 

 

Wow, you've lost alot of weight also. 

 

Did you have a bad reaction? Or side effects? 

[Lilmizz21]

@Altostrata @manymoretodays @Kiasofia I also just wanted your opinion on my thoughts. If you feel they are intrusive, OCD, manic or if I'm doing it to myself. 

 

I will always have an almost background going on in my brain almost as if a tv. 

 

Some of the thoughts I get although they change. 

 

-  "concentrate on your eyes"

- concentrate on your blinking"

- your brains vibrating

-your psychotic

- SI

- concentrate on your saliva

- these thoughts wont go away

- your in another dimension

- your gonna stay this way

- more intrusive thoughts that scare me 

- impulses to leave my home

 

Sorry this is just to give you an idea. And I know they sound mad!!! Absoutley mad but they're so uncontrollable. 

[Lilmizz21]

@Kiasofia @manymoretodays @Altostrata sorry and also another opinion.

 

I have been bed bound for months. Today I really pushed myself.

 

I got my dog groomed

I took him for a walk

I got into an arguement trying to fight to see my son (alot of adernaline)

I cooked for the first time in long time

I ate

I watched tv which I havent done for a long time.

 

And now I'm laying in bed. I actually feel abit overwhelmed, almost manic. 

 

Do you think my brain is just overwhelmed because I was so used to just laying in bed concentrating on symptoms and thoughts all day?

[Greatful]

@Lilmizz21  My story is quite long.  If you are interest you can click on my link in my signature at the bottom of the post.

1 hour ago, Lilmizz21 said:

And I know they sound mad!!! Absoutley mad but they're so uncontrollable.

The brain is not filtering things right.  I thought I was going mad last Spring.  I all of a sudden sitting in my recliner looked out the window and heard the bird my brain went" I wonder if the birds will start talking to me", and the wind outside made me think "could it turn into a man voice".  Then I worried could peoples eyes be trying to tell me something.  These were real worries for awhile, I had enough common sense to know that it was crazy thinking, but I couldn't get past the what if the anxiety that it produced with the "what if's I also had a period of time where I had an unexplainable fear, I would look around to see what  I was suppose to be afraid of.  My brain was not filtering things right and connecting random things together.  Fear, Fear, Fear.  Afraid of everything.  Some people have a looping song that plays in their mind.  These drugs are powerful and can throw your brain into a mess

But be reassured it will heal.  This is a nice story to read.

http://What is happening in your brain?  

 

51 minutes ago, Lilmizz21 said:

I have been bed bound for months. Today I really pushed myself.

This is a good sign that you are healing.  I know it was probably really tough to get yourself to do all that, but you found enough strength to do it and you are showing signs of acceptance.

That being said, I would recommend that you take things a little slower.  It is so easy to over stimulate our already over stimulated CNS.

Maybe take the dog for a little walk and small things around the house.  One of the big recommendations on SA is to listen to your body.  If the body says I have energy then do little, if you feel stronger do a little more. Some days I feel like I can do this or that and then I get over stimulated and have to stop. Even walking on the treadmill on somedays can over stimulate me.  But doing a 30 min walk is very helpful in decreasing  anxiety and healing.  Do you like to color, or paint by number?

 

 

[Lilmizz21]

@Greatful wow I just read your story. It's incredible. Sorry if i dont quite understand this website right just yet, but wow where do you get the strength to become a mentor to people?

 

That is just amazing, considering what you are experiencing yourself. Honestly that is amazing! To help others like that in your own battle.

 

I cant even enjoy the good moments without the crazy thoughts. "Am I manic", "am I losing it", "you feel normal but are you really feeling attached to reality". And the thing is with my thoughts which scares me the most is they happen when I'm calm. When im actually really anxious I dont concentrate on nothing else but the anxiety itself. It's so strange.

 

Because I was reading dont respond to the thoughts with anxiety but I'm thinking I'm not anxious when they happen..although I did speak to an OCD therapist recently. And she said the thing is your still battling and engaging with them... and I vape alot because of anxiety. And she did say although you dont carry out complusions you actually do without realising and i was thinking "no i dont, i dont do any tasks or anything" and she said "ok when you get a really really bad intrusive thought what do you do?" And i said "if it's really bad i try to close my eyes and sleep" and she said "well you've just carried out a complusion to avoid it", was quite an interesting chat. 

 

Have the intrusive thoughts calmed down for you? Are you processing more normally now?

[Lilmizz21]

@Greatful apologises I didnt answer your question. I actually dropped art in school as I found it quite frustrating as I'm not naturally creative. 

 

I do wish I had a hobby of sorts that gave some relief. Do you like to colour, paint?

[manymoretodays]

6 hours ago, Lilmizz21 said:

 I also just wanted your opinion on my thoughts. If you feel they are intrusive, OCD, manic or if I'm doing it to myself. 

 

Hi Lilmizz21,

No, of course I don't think you are doing it to yourself.  They are just uncomfortable and frequent thoughts.  If they were of more of a pleasant nature that would be nice.  It they were not present at all, before the Lexapro, or before the Amitripytiline, they are likely from your adverse reaction, or WD.  They don't sound that "mad" to me.  I tend to have an interesting thought life at times too......especially when going through more stressful experiences.  And it does help me to check them a bit against what I know to be reality.  I still can appreciate reality in other words, which is nice, and know that they will pass or improve. 

 

6 hours ago, Lilmizz21 said:

I have been bed bound for months. Today I really pushed myself.

 

This is good.  And yes, it might have been a bit overwhelming after months in bed.  It does sound like some activity did certainly help get you out of the constant distress of your thoughts.

 

How much should I push myself ? Good sense from Baylissa(Bliss) Frederick

 

How did your sleep go?

 

I had a wonderful day, if not in the forest, up the canyon nearby.  Sunshine, autumn temperatures, and water......wondrous water flowing and in a big reservoir. 

Just saying, as when I can't get out in nature......I can use imagery really well.  Again, imagine yourself well again......as it just can't be harmful at all.  Or out at your favorite outdoor spot.  Or with your loved ones.

 

 

Oh best Lilmizz21, I agree, this is sounding like at least a window for a little while today.  They are not always long lasting.  Note it on your calendar or in your notes, it will give you comfort to see it there.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited November 17, 2021 by manymoretodays

[Farout]

You aren't doing it to yourself.  It is the adverse reaction.  I am very careful about what I post openly about my intrusive thoughts whilst in the acute phase (my terminology - it doesn't mean anything more than the really, really, full-on part immediately following the adverse reaction, which for me was around 4 months) because I don't want to add to anyone's themes - but I think it's important to know that others have come through this.  

 

Nothing you have posted sounds unusual post reaction.  My list of things I was terrified of or just general weirdness after the reaction would have looked similar.  I have put some examples in italics below.  Please only read them if you can keep in mind, this is all in my past and will be for you too  -

 

[TRIGGER ALERT]

• I hallucinated having cut off my breast;
• I had one moment of being terrified of the moon (don't know why);
• I had deeply, shamefully racist thoughts (very unlike me);
• I thought similarities or dates in movies had some hidden, terrifying meaning so I couldn't watch TV, look at social media or open messages in case they triggered something;
• I had major harm OCD intrusive thoughts directed at myself and my family - I wouldn't check on them at night (even though I was desperate to), sew or cook because I was terrified that I'd do something, or had done something and forgotten about it (hence my intense cycle of wanting to check on them);
• I had lots of suicidal ideation;
• I once saw a baby being held by it's mum and recoiled because it looked/felt - I don't know - corrupted? Prompt more harm OCD (Normal me loves babies and will always be the one holding one and playing with the toddlers at gatherings);
• I felt like liquids changed consistency in my mouth; and
• once I got a handle on the harm intrusive thoughts (see below) my theme became about contamination (again, totally unlike me)

I haven't ever experienced that before I took the SSRI and I haven't experienced it since I have been recovered.  It was like living in a nightmare.

 

[END OF TRIGGER ALERT]

 

There are coping strategies you can use to get yourself through this.  I found that learning about the OCD reinforcement cycle and adopting strategies to break it really helped.  If you can begin to understand more about how anxiety works you might feel more confident in acknowledging then ignoring any particularly unpleasant thoughts as meaningless (which they totally are) and not a symptom of psychosis or anything else other than a reaction.  

 

 

[Lilmizz21]

@manymoretodays Thank you so much for the reassurance.  I do note what I think are windows down in my phone calendar, thank you so much.

 

My sleep last night was still not a deep sleep but I have pushed through trying not to add any supplements or tablets. 

 

I hope all is well with you, thanks so much for replying to me. It means so much. I have woke up today and it doesnt feel like its gonna be a great day unfortunately but push through!

[Lilmizz21]

@Farout aw farout thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me.

 

This is how I know we are experiencing the same thing because you know how easily even looking at words etc, how vulnerable our minds are. Its almost like our mind just picks up on things and it sticks in these times.

 

Thank you for your list, and showing your thoughts, I know this can feel quite revealing even if in the past, it is so lovely of you to share that to give me comfort and make me feel like this is all gonna be ok. It does make me feel like I can get my own thoughts back and to keep on pushing.

 

Honestly yous all keep me going thank you so so much and farout thank you again. It is just so nice to know my journey has similarities to others.

[Farout]

No problem. I have been in contact with many adverse reaction members in messenger but there is such a pattern here I’m going to try to post my responses in the forum from now on, unless there are particular privacy issues.

 

On another point - I could not tolerate any supplements, antihistamine or other sedatives, including alcohol for a fair while after my adverse reaction. I know other members @mFrustrated and @Lzieb had similar sensitivities.  It was a real bummer but Epsom salts baths and camomile tea was about all I could use to get through.

 

I would also tread carefully with reinstatement. I think those of us who have had profound reactions shouldn’t even take the smallest amounts.  Even though the symptoms are similar, we aren’t in withdrawal and different rules apply. Time does the trick - and a shed load of mindfulness.  That said, if you do want to give it a try and it doesn’t work out, it won’t be the end of the world - more of a setback.

[Kiasofia]

Sending you warm wishes @Lilmizz21❤️ Good to see your connecting with others and finding reassurance.

[Lilmizz21]

@Farout thanks so much for sharing that also. Yeah I got sleeping tablets and have been just keep going with no sleep as dont want to add on anything. 

 

The thing is with these thoughts they just keep coming all the time. If that makes sense. And they dont feel easily pushed back. If that makes sense. And they actually come when I'm not anxious, contiously. 

 

Is that the adverse reaction? Do these thoughts just naturally fade would you say? 

 

Thanks so so much. God this is scary.

[Lilmizz21]

Apologises I am going to start a diary weekly starting from today 

 

Sleep (wasnt unconcious sleep)

 

11:00am - severe SI,obsessive racing thoughts (continued throughout)

12:00pm - tried to watch tv show (kept having strange thoughts)

1:00pm - tried to make something to eat (my appetite seems to be back) 

2 - 6pm - sat on a sofa crunched up in fear, couldnt watch tv anymore without getting strange thoughts, made something to eat again

6 - 8:30pm - tried to just go up to bed to try and get myself together

Hoping for sleep

 

Things that were constant throughout the day: obsessive racing thoughts, feeling like I cant watch tv or engage in any activity, tinnitus, eye floaters, crying spells

[Farout]

15 hours ago, Lilmizz21 said:

The thing is with these thoughts they just keep coming all the time. If that makes sense. And they dont feel easily pushed back. If that makes sense. And they actually come when I'm not anxious, contiously. 

 

Is that the adverse reaction? Do these thoughts just naturally fade would you say? 

What I have learned is that paying attention to normal, everyday intrusive thoughts are a pattern of anxiety/OCD bought on by the medication.  They create a massive anxiety response so your brain learns to think they are important, somehow meaningful when they are not.  It entrenches the cycle.  You can overcome this but it takes a lot of practice. 

 

You don’t have to be feeling particularly anxious for the thoughts to hit. They are still an anxiety issue. Stop and observe your reaction to them - they make you stop in your tracks, adrenaline pumping, questioning what they mean and why you are suffering.

The trick is not to try and push the thoughts away, or stress about why you’re having them or what they might mean - because doing that heightens the anxiety response, somehow makes your brain mark them as important, and that makes them come more.

 

So you have to let them just float around for a while. Say you suddenly think “I might XYZ!!” Try to respond by thinking “Well - I might XYZ, but I probably won’t” then move on with your day.

 

This thing attacks what you hold most dear and exploits some of our earlier hidden fears & sense of self (& puts them on steroids!). It happens that way to get your attention. For me it was harm directed at myself and my family - because I am a gentle, empathetic soul.  Over the years I have spoken with a runner who couldn’t use her legs, a profoundly faithful person who became fearful of God, an extrovert who couldn’t be around people, and so on post adverse reaction. 
 

It sounds like your chat with the OCD therapist was useful. Would they support your recovery without resorting to medication?

[Lilmizz21]

@manymoretodays @Altostrata sorry I just wanted to get your opinion on vaping?

 

I vape Alot, it is the only thing that calms me. But I dont think stopping vaping will help matters as then will have to go through nicotine withdrawl on top.

 

Could I get your opinions in withdrawl?