Comfyquilt: Hello - issues with Benzos and new med

[Hibari]

So glad to hear it @Comfyquilt.

 

I know its a relief for you to feel more of yourself.  You are definitely in there! 

 

HIbari 

[Comfyquilt]

Another huge window all afternoon and into tonight. It’s amazing that the brain can just switch it over so quickly, like no biggie just gonna make everything ok for you right now 😵‍💫

 

yesterday was not nice, but I got through it. Just adding here so I remember 

[littlebird]

3 hours ago, Comfyquilt said:

Another huge window all afternoon and into tonight.

Woohoo, love to hear it! Such a good sign.

[LotusRising]

9 hours ago, Comfyquilt said:

Another huge window all afternoon and into tonight. It’s amazing that the brain can just switch it over so quickly, like no biggie just gonna make everything ok for you right now

This is such fantastic news! Maybe that updose is starting to work!

Edited January 18 by LotusRising

[Comfyquilt]

@LotusRising yes I spoke with Mark Horowitz this morning and it was very good. He mentioned destabilization as being U shaped, and just holding on until the you start coming off the peak of the U but it will happen, sometimes weeks sometimes months. 
 

@littlebird thank you! 
 

I slept 8 hours last night and feel decent this morning. I will take it! 

[LotusRising]

@Comfyquilt

 

How are you doing?

[Comfyquilt]

Hi @LotusRising well

its been a rollercoaster. I ended up being hospitalized because I was very very not ok. My Valium was increased to 4mg a day and gabapentin was added at 600mg a day. I am stable now. I also had 1.5mg of mirtazapine added for sleep. This is bad news in terms of more drugs, but ok because I am not suicidal anymore. I will sit here for a little while and then begin to taper slow slowly once I feel a little better. I wish this was better news. 

[LotusRising]

@Comfyquilt

 

Oh no! I'm glad to hear you're okay!

 

It sounds like you had to do what was right for you and being stable is what's most important. I know you were really struggling. You are back home then? And you're sleeping?

[Comfyquilt]

@LotusRising yes back home now and having some windows where I can clean and cook and take care of kids. It was not the ideal outcome but I was not ok. Slowly recovering. The line is so fine on a taper and my mistake tipped the scales to a place where I could not get out of on my own. Doing therapy with a great person and just trying to put the pieces back together slowly. I am sleeping once again 
 

 

[Comfyquilt]

Noting here I have discontinued the mirtazapine after a short taper as it was not making me feel well. I will stabalize here and then work on tapering Valium. 

[Hibari]

@Comfyquilt

 

Good to hear your update Comfyquilt and I'm glad you are feeling more stable. 

 

You are a strong person and I know you are making your way through all of this.  These meds are strong and we sometimes have to rest before we take up the battle again. Not our fault.

 

You'll know when it's time to taper again. 

 

Hibari

 

[Comfyquilt]

@Hibari thank you for the kind words. I am not feeling too strong. It was really tough decision to enter the hospital. But I spoke with my GP and my peer who is a tapering friend and I decided to take additional meds to save my life. It did help. I will have a longer taper now but alas it better than not being here. 
 

Resting here for a moment and then will resume the taper off Valium as it’s something I personally need to accomplish. The gabapentin will have to wait! 
 

 

[Hibari]

1 hour ago, Comfyquilt said:

@Hibari thank you for the kind words. I am not feeling too strong. It was really tough decision to enter the hospital. But I spoke with my GP and my peer who is a tapering friend and I decided to take additional meds to save my life. It did help. I will have a longer taper now but alas it better than not being here. 
 

Resting here for a moment and then will resume the taper off Valium as it’s something I personally need to accomplish. The gabapentin will have to wait! 
 

 

I get it @Comfyquilt

 

I ended up on Mirt for the second time because I was trying to stay alive. 

 

I know you don't feel strong and I respect that. I do think it takes a certain kind of strength to get off meds. It's a messy, chaotic strength that others don't understand but it is strength. 

 

I hear your determination about the Valium and know you'll get there. 

 

Hibari 

[Comfyquilt]

@Hibari thank you! It’s some kinda strength! I appreciate the kind words ❤️

[Comfyquilt]

@littlebird I notice you are gabapentin. This got slapped on me during a shirt hospital stay. I am wondering if it helps with anything? Is it difficult to taper? Thanks so much ❤️

[Comfyquilt]

Hi - just a quick update from me. I am feeling a little better than I was in Dec/Jan. I was able to bake a cake for my daughters birthday and have been able to cook and clean a little

bit. I will be returning to work part time and am looking forward to that too. My sleep has improved but I still feel rather brain dead. I am taking the following medications:

9:30 am -2mg Valium 

10:00am - 100mg Gabapentin 

4:00pm - 100 mg Gabapentin 

10:00pm - 2mg Valium and 100mg Gabapentin 

4:00am - 100 mg Gabapentin 

 

I am aiming to keep the Gabapentin at a steady level as it has such a short half life. I would like to begin reducing the valium (slowly) and am wondering if @LotusRising might be able to give me a good starting point for tapering? Perhaps 2% to start? Thanks ✨❤️

 

[LotusRising]

Yes, it does have a really short half life - did you already try it 3 times daily? Is 0400 a usual wake up time for you? I did the overnight dosing for a long time, but found it disrupted my sleep a bit. If this is how you tolerate it best, then obviously you'll need to continue, but just making sure you've considered your sleep  

 

If you feel stable, then I think a 2% reduction sounds very reasonable. You've been on the gabapentin for a much shorter time though. Have you considered reducing that first, or are you finding it's helping?

 

I'm so glad you're up baking and cooking again! I bet your kids are happy about this too. Plus work, so awesome to hear!

 

 

[Comfyquilt]

@LotusRising the Gabapentin is helping. It’s allowed me to regain some function and sleep. I am worried about tapering Valium as I always seem To get so low and then something destabilizes me horribly. I hope the 3rd time is the charm. I am not feeling perfect by any means but I am not hysterical and am able to do a few things. I think this is about as stable as I will get here. I think I will try 2% next week and go from there. As always thank you for the invaluable sounding board and support 

[LotusRising]

1 hour ago, Comfyquilt said:

It’s allowed me to regain some function and sleep. I am worried about tapering Valium as I always seem To get so low and then something destabilizes me horribly.

That makes perfect sense. No sense rocking the boat with any changes, especially if you feel it's helping as is.

 

2% sounds like a good plan. Let me know how it goes ❤️

[Comfyquilt]

@LotusRising thank you ❤️✨

[littlebird]

On 2/19/2024 at 10:46 PM, Comfyquilt said:

I notice you are gabapentin. This got slapped on me during a shirt hospital stay. I am wondering if it helps with anything? Is it difficult to taper? Thanks so much ❤️

Also got slapped with it in the hospital! At that time it was 600mg 3x a day, a staggering dose that made me so dizzy and sick. Does it help? Maybe! I also have been wondering if it has been hurting more than it helps, it really numbed me out and made me feel disconnected from the people around me (and made focus and depression worse). 

 

It is extremely difficult to taper, the only way I can manage it is by doing it suuuuuper slowly. I could write an essay on the WD of this one, it's a nasty piece of work to lower.

[Comfyquilt]

@littlebird grrrrrr! The old hospital slap job. It did stabilize me so there’s that! I foresee another very slow taper in my future 😵‍💫 

[littlebird]

6 minutes ago, Comfyquilt said:

grrrrrr! The old hospital slap job. It did stabilize me so there’s that! I foresee another very slow taper in my future 😵‍💫

Lots of people getting slapped with this one... I've talked to people who have it for anxiety, pain, benzo WD, the list goes on... it's easier to taper as a liquid. I was getting it pre-made from the pharmacy, but it was expensive and quality varied and it's been easier to make my own liquid.

 

Little by little, I'm on a lower dose all the time and it's adding up with patience. Just gotta keep at it and before we know it we'll be off! If a doctor ever tells you to drastically lower your dose (or cold turkey it), please push back - I have yet to meet a doc that understands how psychoactive this is.

 

Does your signature reflect what you're currently taking? I don't see GabbyP on there. Might be good to update it, the mods can answer questions and make recommendations a little easier that way. Hope you're holding up well! 

 

How's your support system? I don't know if I could taper this nonsense if I didn't have a therapist and trauma-specific support group. 

[Comfyquilt]

@littlebird fantastic support system very lucky in that regard and fantastic doctors who understand what I’m going through. I am feeling weird but not hysterical if that makes sense. Trying to stabilize a little. Signature  has been updated ❤️

[littlebird]

55 minutes ago, Comfyquilt said:

Trying to stabilize a little.

So glad it hear it! Sometimes I struggle with the holding pattern/stabilization periods - I want to do something (the drive system is a big trauma response for me, I want to go go go). It's been interesting to just sit back and let my body's systems do the go go go while I self-soothe and do nothing. How has that been for you?

 

56 minutes ago, Comfyquilt said:

fantastic support system very lucky in that regard and fantastic doctors who understand what I’m going through.

This is great, so happy to hear it. Makes all the difference in the world! We really are social creatures. I finally have a supportive doc (to a point, we're coming from very different places when it comes to meds) and it really does help.

[Comfyquilt]

@littlebird Welp, I got severely destabilized on my taper so it’s been a long rough ride for the last 3 months. I’m hoping for more stability as the majority of my taper was quite good so it’s been devastating. I’m seeing some small glimmers but not quite where I need to be yet, hence the gabby p! 
 

so glad to hear about your supportive doctor! It makes a world of difference 

[Hibari]

@Comfyquilt

 

Hi Comfy,

 

How are you doing?

 

Hibari 

[Comfyquilt]

Hi @Hibari - I am very meh. Not thrilled to be on gabapentin. I wake up most days ashamed and sad about my life. Two long tapers ahead of me. Lots of fear, feeling not great. Wishing I could get back to me. So many mistakes, and not sure I can come back from this, generally quite sad and depressed 😮‍💨

[Hibari]

@Comfyquilt

 

I'm get how tough it is and have felt many of the feelings you have.  

 

We judge ourselves so harshly when we wind up on meds that we don't want to be on. Part of it is the meds and how they affect out thinking. The other part is that we want so badly to be off of all meds that we blame ourselves for making a med choice again. 

 

But, it's important to remember that you made the choice to take a med, like I did, and to updose, to save your life. Unless anyone has gone through the horror of that experience, they don't understand how scary it is to You were in an acute crisis and you had to make a decision.

 

You'll taper off these meds and you'll get your life back. 

 

Your story doesn't end here. There are many more chapters for you to live. 

 

Hibari 

 

 

[Comfyquilt]

Dearest @Hibari

 

once again your words a balm. The gabapentin kind of worked but not really. So kind of stuck on it now with not a lot of return. I am going to start tapering March 1. I am hoping to finally be able to get off this benzo. It’s not gonna be easy but I’m willing to do the hard work and I scared. The fear is so hard to overcome. But thus far I’ve made it through my hardest days. I hope I can keep on doing that ❤️

[Hibari]

@Comfyquilt

Yes, the fear is a big deal and it shows up strongly in withdrawal. I found it especially strong  with benzos but it happens with all meds because psych meds cut off our hope through how they affect the brain. 

 

You are strong and remember, when you start tapering, your brain will be healing. Things are not static with withdrawal. All the odd, painful symptoms are our brains trying to move toward stability. 

 

I think your plan for March 1st is a good one. 

 

Hibari

[Comfyquilt]

@Hibari thank you for these kind words. I really like the part about things not being static in WD. One day at a time. I will start with a 1% cut of Valium on March 1. 
 

@LotusRising does 1% to start seem reasonable given my insanely sensitive system? 

[LostInCanada]

@Comfyquilt don't beat yourself up for surviving. The trauma from this insanity is unbelievable. 

I did read on here about trying a faster taper especially when you haven't been on a drug very long. Would you like the link? 

Love that you can find some peace gardening. It helps me too. Just need some sunny days and the rain at night. 👍❤️🙏

[Comfyquilt]

@LostInCanada it’s to tough. I really do beat myself up a lot. I should have jumped in 2019 from 0.25mg of Valium. It a shame I just didn’t do it. Ah well can’t go back in time. 
 

I think the gabapentin is holding me together at the moment unfortunately - it’s allowed me to sleep which was not going well before. One day I will taper it too. 
 

My gardening is minimal at the moment (it’s cold out there!) but I will put some dahlias in, in May! I hope to be able to share them around the neighbourhood ❤️

[LotusRising]

5 hours ago, Comfyquilt said:

does 1% to start seem reasonable given my insanely sensitive system? 

Yep, I think 1% sounds reasonable. Are you feeling ready to try it? You're feeling stable?

[Comfyquilt]

@LotusRising I don’t think anymore stability is possible for me - it kinda do or die at this point. I think I’m as stable as I’m gonna get. I hate to be here but alas maybe tapering will help?