Sai0: so much agony, need advice

[Sai0]

I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. I started 20 mg of lexapro at 17. This was prescribed by a dermatologist after taking accutane for 3 years straight which he also prescribed. (Which I believe messed with my head and led to all of this) I discontinued it after an extremely fast taper at 19 after taking it for a little over 2 years. The entire time I was on it I was basically a walking lexapro zombie with complete loss of inhibition, extreme suicidal ideations, cognitive plummet, horrible brain zaps even though I very rarely missed a dose, left my girlfriend and any relationships I had at the time, just completely numb and immune to life, an entirely different person, truly amazing I survived. Around the 2 year mark when I finally realized that the drug was my problem and I wasn’t even recognizable, I knew I had to get off of it if there was any hope of getting my life back. This led to far too fast of a taper over the course of maybe 2 months and I immediately had a massive cognitive decline, full blown aphasia, horrible akathisia, complete sexual dysfunction, complete anhedonia (which started and was the worst while I was still on it, could have seen a family member who I’ve always been extremely close to get hurt or die right in front of me and not have felt anything), nearly seizure like brain zaps, horrible adrenaline surges (alerting system disinhibition), extreme autonomic instability (tried lots of supplements that only made me feel worse), complete despair and disassociation, horrible insomnia, feeling insane, toxic burning sensations through my gut and body, blurry sensitive vision and hearing, (hard to even think or put into words a lot of my symptoms, you guys know the deal and I identify with pretty much all the the awful symptoms others in PAWS describe.) I’ve been doing everything I can to survive and cope through this pure agony for 13 months now. I live through pretty much a constant wave, though there is one memorable window and one other one I believe I had about a month ago as well. I was always an athletic person and I try my best to push through the fatigue and I exercise pretty much daily, I go to acupuncture and therapy weekly, I’ve been completely caffeine free, gluten free, and dairy free for 4 months, I have a pretty good support system although obviously nobody that hasn’t experienced this has no clue what it consists of. I’m so scared and I just don’t want to lose my life, I want to survive so badly. I’m considering trying micro doses of lamictal (less than 2mg as @Altostrata has mentioned) in order to help the insomnia and alerting for the time being although I’m terrified of any psych meds. I know this is a lot to read and my brain fog makes it hard to articulate, but I’m so terrified and alone and unable to interact with anybody and wanted to finally reach out on here to see if anybody has any advice. I know there are many very knowledgeable on this and I would love to hear an opinion from somebody. Thank you all 

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm sorry you are dealing with these problems.  

 

19 hours ago, Sai0 said:

I very rarely missed a dose,

How often would you say you missed a dose on average?  

 

19 hours ago, Sai0 said:

I was always an athletic person and I try my best to push through the fatigue and I exercise pretty much daily

This can be a problem for someone with PAWS whose nervous system is sensitized.  Gentle walking is fine, but moderate to intense exercise will cause you to produce adrenaline and cortisol.  These are activating, and will tend to worsen your withdrawal symptoms.  

 

19 hours ago, Sai0 said:

I’m so scared and I just don’t want to lose my life, I want to survive so badly.

You will survive this!  I know it feels horrible, but it is not deadly, although it probably feels like it.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  

 

19 hours ago, Sai0 said:

I’m considering trying micro doses of lamictal (less than 2mg as @Altostrata has mentioned

Where did Altostrata suggest you do this? 

 

You are not alone here.  Most of us have gone through or are going through this, too.  I know it is quite scary.  I hope this information I give you will help to quell your fears.  

 

Can you please give us more specific information in your signature about your drug history for all drugs you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise vertical list (no symptoms), only drug names, specific dates (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day) and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.  Use this format:

 

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Etcetera

 

Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications.

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

Please take heart, and do read about and try some of the non drug coping techniques.  They don't take away the symptoms, but they can really help you get through them.  You will recover, but it will take lots of time, and patience.  Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.  

[Greatful]

@Sai0  Welcome to SA.  I know how scary and lonely this can feel like.  

It sounds like you are trying to hang on the best you can for the last 13 months.  Well done.  Let me assure you are not alone.  

Have you had a chance to look around SA. 

 

You are having a lot of withdrawal symptoms.  If you look through the Symptoms and Self-Care section of this forum you will see your not alone. It's  hard to fathom how many emotional and physical symptoms.  These drugs affect both our brains and bodies.  You might find some helpful coping skill from other members that are going through the same or similar things.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care 

 

Take a look through the success story portion of SA  I've been reading through them myself the last few days  https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

 

I love to pass this link on to members.  It's about a woman who recovered from Benzos.  It's fascinating read to help understand what is going on in your brain as it's trying to heal the drugs that caused this temporary chemical brain injury 

  http://What is happening in your brain

 

You can survive and heal from this. Reach out to others and share your journey, ideas and encouragement.

I'll let you get started on these. 

 

 

[Sai0]

@getofflex thank you for taking the time to respond I really appreciate it. 

2 hours ago, getofflex said:

How often would you say you missed a dose on average?

Not often at all, maybe 5 or so times throughout the entire 2 years. 

 

2 hours ago, getofflex said:

Where did Altostrata suggest you do this? 

Altostrata didn’t suggest the lamictal microdoses to me personally. I was referring to this post: 

I really appreciate the reassurance and resources you provided. I’m extremely grateful to have found this site and it has helped to keep me going through these awful symptoms. It’s so excruciating not knowing when any of this will subside. I will update my drug history and keep you updated. 

[Sai0]

@Greatfulthank you so much. Yes this has been the most existentially lonely and scary experience I could imagine. I have browsed and informed myself on what is happening quite a bit, although it’s pretty hard to even make words out and read a lot of the time. Though the validation of what’s happening is really helpful. 

 

Thank you for the links. I browsed through some success stories and those are nice to see as this feels so never ending. I guess time is the only real healing agent.

 

I can see from your drug history that you know the suffering. I can’t imagine all of those other drugs on top of lexapro alone. That’s pretty amazing.
 

I will continue to read through self care and self care techniques. This just feels so inhumane and is pure torture. 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Sai0

 

What are your current symptoms? How has your symptom pattern changed over the last 6 months?

[Sai0]

Thanks @Altostrata

My current symptoms are pretty much everything I described in my introduction. It’s honestly pretty hard to keep track as it fluctuates so much. But I don’t believe much has changed. My main symptoms that occur every day are severe adrenaline and cortisol spikes and surges, severe nervous system instability and food intolerance, a completely wrecked nervous system that tingles and burns and feels seriously damaged almost worse at this point, horrible brain fog and cognitive decline, insomnia that maybe has gotten a little bit better, still have zaps and electrical sensations through my body just not near as bad as initially, irritability and rage, unable to speak or form a sentence most of the time, feeling straight up insane, complete anhedonia, unable to interact with people or make eye contact, feels like a chunk of my brain is missing and pain and burning sensations revolve around different areas of my brain, complete sexual dysfunction, really bad akathisia, extreme fatigue and weakness, vision problems and very sensitive hearing, really bad heart palpitations, just in enormous amounts of suffering and pretty much bed ridden. The only thing that has maybe changed is sleep being slightly better but even that I’m not sure of. 

[Sai0]

@Altostrata

do you think a trial of a micro dose of lamictal would be something to consider? If it could calm the alerting and insomnia even a little bit

[getofflex]

12 hours ago, Sai0 said:

Not often at all, maybe 5 or so times throughout the entire 2 years.

I see. I asked, because missing doses can lead to nervous system instability, and symptoms.  

 

12 hours ago, Sai0 said:

Altostrata didn’t suggest the lamictal microdoses to me personally.

OK, this is the first I've heard of or seen this.  

 

Yes, please rest assured you will heal!  The difficult part is that is is very gradual, and takes a lot of time.  Try reading some of the success stories - these will give you hope, and lift your spirits. Many people have healed from Lexapro, and Zoloft: 

 

MIssmellie Lexapro Recovery Story

 

Aeroman I Have Recovered from Lexapro and Cipro

 

Used2be Recovered After Two Decades on AD's....

 

Pug Your Miracle is Coming Hang On

 

Elbee Free From Zoloft and Benzos After 25 Years

 

 

[getofflex]

@Sai0how long were you on the Zoloft?  Please give us more specific info about your drug history with specific dates, thank you.  You may benefit from a small reinstatement of one of the drugs, but I need to see specifics about how long you were on each drug, especially the Zoloft, and how recently you quit the Zoloft.  How many weeks wer you on the Zoloft, and when in June did you go off?   

Edited July 4, 2022 by getofflex

[Altostrata]

On 7/2/2022 at 7:00 PM, Sai0 said:

This led to far too fast of a taper over the course of maybe 2 months and I immediately had a massive cognitive decline, full blown aphasia, horrible akathisia, complete sexual dysfunction, complete anhedonia (which started and was the worst while I was still on it, could have seen a family member who I’ve always been extremely close to get hurt or die right in front of me and not have felt anything), nearly seizure like brain zaps, horrible adrenaline surges (alerting system disinhibition), extreme autonomic instability (tried lots of supplements that only made me feel worse), complete despair and disassociation, horrible insomnia, feeling insane, toxic burning sensations through my gut and body, blurry sensitive vision and hearing, (hard to even think or put into words a lot of my symptoms, you guys know the deal and I identify with pretty much all the the awful symptoms others in PAWS describe.)

 

None of these symptoms have changed in 6 months? What is your most prominent current symptom?

[Elaine5]

How are you doing? 

[Sai0]

@ElaineBenes5

sleep has definitely gotten better which is a good sign. I think I have a very severe case and an immediate adverse reaction as well as serotonin syndrome most likely. Though I feel like I can pinpoint the worst symptoms, such as derealization, anhedonia, pssd, akathisia, inability to cry or express emotions, stuttering and loss of words. I also seem to tolerate omega 3 and magnesium much better now. That’s improvement as when I initially posted there were so many symptoms and I was so scrambled that I couldn’t even begin to pinpoint the worst ones. What I believe is my vagus nerve has stopped burning as severe as well. It’s just really hard because I was always very close with my mom and she’s completely brushed this to the side and pretends like nothing is happening. I know everybody is just confused and doesn’t know how to help. I’m just so alone and in such shock. All in all I would say there has been a good amount of noticeable improvement recently. Im about to hit a year and a half off. I have also reached out to fellow survivors such as Brooke Siem and that has been inspirational in many ways. I just need to let go of trying to get people such as my family to understand, it’s just way too exhausting. Thank you for checking in. I’m sorry for my silence, this has been the most excruciating, bizarre experience I could have ever imagined. I refuse to give up and will continue to power through. By the way is it common for others to still have no ability to cry or feel much of anything this far along?

[Elaine5]

Sleep getting better is a great sign…. 
 

i also have the anhedonia, pssd, Akathisia for now. It’s hell.. I’m rooting for you. ❤️

[Sai0]

@ElaineBenes5

thank you. That truly means a lot. This is so lonely and scary. Healing is always happening.