Wardy4022: amitriptyline severe reaction

[Wardy4022]

Thank you Catina7. I'm just terrified and horrified. It's been a second by second battle for 8 months. I've no quality of life whatsoever except this suffering. 

 

I just want me and my life back I'm so tired of it. Whatever it did seriously messed me up 😭 I'm just hanging on for dear life with no improvement. 

 

I just want to get better 😭 

[Catina7]

4 hours ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you Catina7. I'm just terrified and horrified. It's been a second by second battle for 8 months. I've no quality of life whatsoever except this suffering. 

 

I just want me and my life back I'm so tired of it. Whatever it did seriously messed me up 😭 I'm just hanging on for dear life with no improvement. 

 

I just want to get better 😭 

 

I'm so sorry....sending you big hugs. 🌹

[Wardy4022]

Anyone with the emotional anesthesia, I'm just after some help and wondering what it was/is like for you.

 

Mine is like a complete removal of any feelings both in my head and feelings in my body. I feel nothing anger, sadness, love, happiness, anxiety, excitement, anticipation, pride, jealousy.

 

I don't feel any maternal feelings. No worry, no concern no nothing.

 

It's not like an empty feeling as that's still a feeling. Like I'd describe the empty feeling like the feeling you get if someone died for example.

 

I can see the most horrifying news stories and just feel absolutely nothing.

 

I cant feel anything for my family. When someone hugs me, nothing.

 

If all my family walked out this second I couldn't feel a single thing or even have any facial expressions. I wouldn't be able to grieve if anyone died.

 

It's that bad that if I got a plane to dignitas right now I'd not feel a thing saying bye to my family or feel a thing about me dying or who I was leaving behind.

 

The other day a neighbour had the fire department out and before I would feel adrenaline and excitement my body just felt absolutely nothing. No response whatsoever, in my brain or body.

 

It's like my brain and body died.

 

Is this how others have experienced it.

 

And just a complete blank brain. Just nothing in there whatsoever. I feel so simple and thick, no concept of anything. No yesterday, tomorrow, no past or future It's just like you've no brain at all. A hollow skull with no thoughts, imagination, can't visualise, plan. This is all horrifying.

 

I try to read and it's like there's nowhere for the words to go. They're just gone after each word.

 

Complete removal of personality and everything that made me me. Does this tie in with the anesthesia.

 

Just negative inner voice all the time.

 

This complete removal of feelings happened at the time of my reaction.

 

I cant feel comfort, freshness after a bath, the nice feeling of putting new clothes on, or the sun or breeze on my skin, the feeling of being starving and choosing what you want to eat and getting it then feeling nice and full and satisfied.

The feeling wrapping up in a blanket and being content. Can't feel how much my family love me.

 

This is so disturbing to me. It's been exactly the same for 8 months now and I'm thinking I will never feel another human emotion ever again. They don't feel numb or flat they feel completely removed. It isn't that I just don't get enjoyment from things I would once enjoy, it's no feelings for my entire family. I mean how could I live like this or even want to. I feel no bonds or connection to anyone or myself. 

 

I've no connection to my own name, none of my family's.

 

I cant even talk about anything. There's just nothing in my head or any emotions to anything. Practically mute.  Can't even feel boredom.

 

I cant even feel anger or sadness towards who did this to me.

 

I don't know what it's called like the feeling you get when you say something to someone and you can feel their emotion or imagine what they might feel and feel that. Share their emotional experience. I haven't got that either. 

 

Can't feel content in other people's company or enjoy anyone's company.

 

Just looking for other people's experiences of this. 

 

Is this what emotional anesthesia is, not like a numbing but complete removal.

 

I'm sorry to anyone that might have been through or is going through this. Its the most inhumane thing that you couldn't even imagine until it happens to you.

 

Does this go on for years just nothingness like that. I feel dead already, just no survival instinct. If it was burning around me I just wouldn't move. I wouldn't move out of the way of danger. That's just not even human is it. 

 

I'm not even being dramatic in any way or over egging the symptoms. This is so severe I have even contacted an assisted dying place at Switzerland. All I can really do is text, read short messages that I can't even remember. I can do some wordsearch but just on autopilot with a blank mind. It's completely disturbing walking around or making a drink or whatever with a completely silent mind. I used to have lists of stuff in my head. I knew everything every one of my family was doing for months in advance. I could remember every single item of clothing I'd bought, where it was from, where I'd worn it to. Everything about my past now there's just nothing. It's like my world in my head was wiped away.

 

There's not really any words for it is there.

 

What sick, sick people who invented these drugs.

 

My family keeps telling me to get help and keep going to the doctor. Unless he's god or a miracle worker how can he do anything about that. Imagine telling them that and that I don't recognise my own face in the mirror or have any connection to my own body at all. 

 

I don't know why they still have faith in the medical profession after seeing them take me down like this Infront of their eyes.

 

I went to a neurologist and came out and said he was talking shite and doesn't know what he's on about, then people have a go at me because I don't believe a professional with years of experience.

 

The doctor that prescribed me this poisonous crap had years of experience.

I've also found out since that if you have  been on antidepressants either recently or ever that you should not be prescribed amitriptyline as it can cause severely high blood pressure. 

So she should have never given them to me anyway. Nice. I'd sue but they've left me no mental or physical capacity to be able to do so. 

 

Sorry just scrolled back and seen how long my post is.

 

Hope everyone else is managing ok....

 

 

 

 

[sammahjih]

I think it’s highly likely it will come back, there’s 5 years of adaptions that have taken place to the citalopram(?) and the brain isn’t able to perform its usual functions as it has been used to being ‘propped up’ by the drug. The recovery is so slow because I suppose it’s complete rewiring. This is the theory I have for myself, I have similarly catastrophic symptoms but I don’t allow myself to think about it too deeply and grieve about it as I’m sure it will return. (Although I’m a 24 year old man without family/ children so it’s probably easier for me to ignore it). It seems just so unlikely that mine or your brain has been completely wiped out beyond hope of recovery. Especially seeing other stories on here where it has taken multiple years for recovery. It’s not a quick process. I just really think you should continue to tolerate this without giving up. 

[Catina7]

If I were you, I would do research about neuroplasticity and brain rewiring and things you can do to help this process.  Here's just one article I found, but I'm sure there's many more:  https://www.healthline.com/health/rewiring-your-brain.

 

I do think your brain has essentially "short-circuited" with your adverse drug reaction but can repair itself and find its way back again.  I truly, truly believe this!

 

I hope you can continue to find others who have experienced the same thing in this supportive community.  We're all rooting for you and care very much about you! 🌹

Edited June 10, 2023 by Catina7

[Wardy4022]

2 hours ago, sammahjih said:

I think it’s highly likely it will come back, there’s 5 years of adaptions that have taken place to the citalopram(?) and the brain isn’t able to perform its usual functions as it has been used to being ‘propped up’ by the drug. The recovery is so slow because I suppose it’s complete rewiring. This is the theory I have for myself, I have similarly catastrophic symptoms but I don’t allow myself to think about it too deeply and grieve about it as I’m sure it will return. (Although I’m a 24 year old man without family/ children so it’s probably easier for me to ignore it). It seems just so unlikely that mine or your brain has been completely wiped out beyond hope of recovery. Especially seeing other stories on here where it has taken multiple years for recovery. It’s not a quick process. I just really think you should continue to tolerate this without giving up. 

Thank you so much you've no idea how much I needed to hear that 🙏 I hope you're managing ok and things start turning round for you soon. 

[Wardy4022]

1 hour ago, Catina7 said:

If I were you, I would do research about neuroplasticity and brain rewiring and things you can do to help this process.  Here's just one article I found, but I'm sure there's many more:  https://www.healthline.com/health/rewiring-your-brain.

 

I do think your brain has essentially "short-circuited" with your adverse drug reaction but can repair itself and find its way back again.  I truly, truly believe this!

 

I hope you can continue to find others who have experienced the same thing in this supportive community.  We're all rooting for you and care very much about you! 🌹

Thank you so much for the continued support Cat. I needed to hear this so much. Thanks for the link too. I hope you got better from your headaches and nausea and things are settled again for you xx

[Catina7]

33 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you so much for the continued support Cat. I needed to hear this so much. Thanks for the link too. I hope you got better from your headaches and nausea and things are settled again for you xx

 

You're more than welcome!  I absolutely hate seeing people suffer and want to do whatever I can to help them NOT give up.  If we give up then these drugs, Big Pharma, and all the doctors who don't know what they are doing WIN.... and we can't let that happen!

[Chompoo]

@Wardy4022 I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Like you, I had an immediate adverse reaction to an antidepressant. And I only took ONE pill before being hit with a list of withdrawal symptoms.
I can totally relate to the feelings of shock to what has happened, and depression why you are still unwell after such a long time. Not to mention the sense of hopelessness to whether you will ever recover. Like you, I've tried all sorts of supplements. I also tried acupuncture. Nothing helped. Only time. 
I have seen many people with the same symptoms as you have, from cold turkeying antidepressants. They eventually recovered, but the recovery took them a very long time. Like 2-3 years.
I know things are tough for you now. But please don't lose hope. One day, you will be out of the tunnel and this will be a small blip in a long and otherwise happy life. Your husband and child need you. So do your mother and the rest of your family. Stay strong, Wardy. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Altostrata]

21 hours ago, Wardy4022 said:

Mine is like a complete removal of any feelings both in my head and feelings in my body. I feel nothing anger, sadness, love, happiness, anxiety, excitement, anticipation, pride, jealousy.

 

I don't feel any maternal feelings. No worry, no concern no nothing.

 

It's not like an empty feeling as that's still a feeling. Like I'd describe the empty feeling like the feeling you get if someone died for example.

 

Yep, this is a good description of post-psychiatric drug emotional anesthesia. We have seen this gradually fade. Like withdrawal syndrome, this can take many months.

 

Many people find these to be helpful:

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

You might try a low dose of one at a time to see what it does for you.

 

How has your symptom pattern changed in the last 3 months?

[Rw80]

I am the same as you. Have been like this for 3 years no changes only declined 

[Wardy4022]

35 minutes ago, Rw80 said:

I am the same as you. Have been like this for 3 years no changes only declined 

3 years. I cant do that. I can't do this 😭😭😭 I was done for that day and I'm going to die with no emotion or memory not knowing where the hell I am or remembering my life or family or knowing who I am. I cant even remember me before this. I cant remember giving birth or getting married. I cant remember this morning 😭😭 I can't end up in a home. I'll be in Switzerland before Christmas. I don't recognise my own mum, daughter or husband. I don't know anyone. I cant even freak out screaming because I've no feelings and my face won't move and my voice won't change. Just sit mute. I look so calm from the outside but freaking out in my head. I just shuffle round without a clue. I cant advocate for myself can't do anything 😭😭

I haven't a clue how I used to get in a car and drive it. 😭😭😭 I cant live simple and retarded like this. Scared in my own house round my own family. 

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Haven't you got any emotions either? Hasn't anything improved at all. It's all getting worse? 

 

😭😭😭

[Wardy4022]

On 6/11/2023 at 3:05 AM, Chompoo said:

@Wardy4022 I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Like you, I had an immediate adverse reaction to an antidepressant. And I only took ONE pill before being hit with a list of withdrawal symptoms.
I can totally relate to the feelings of shock to what has happened, and depression why you are still unwell after such a long time. Not to mention the sense of hopelessness to whether you will ever recover. Like you, I've tried all sorts of supplements. I also tried acupuncture. Nothing helped. Only time. 
I have seen many people with the same symptoms as you have, from cold turkeying antidepressants. They eventually recovered, but the recovery took them a very long time. Like 2-3 years.
I know things are tough for you now. But please don't lose hope. One day, you will be out of the tunnel and this will be a small blip in a long and otherwise happy life. Your husband and child need you. So do your mother and the rest of your family. Stay strong, Wardy. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for reading Chompoo and leaving me a kind message, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry you had a reaction and I hope you are ok now and recovered. 

[Rw80]

24 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

3 years. I cant do that. I can't do this 😭😭😭 I was done for that day and I'm going to die with no emotion or memory not knowing where the hell I am or remembering my life or family or knowing who I am. I cant even remember me before this. I cant remember giving birth or getting married. I cant remember this morning 😭😭 I can't end up in a home. I'll be in Switzerland before Christmas. I don't recognise my own mum, daughter or husband. I don't know anyone. I cant even freak out screaming because I've no feelings and my face won't move and my voice won't change. Just sit mute. I look so calm from the outside but freaking out in my head. I just shuffle round without a clue. I cant advocate for myself can't do anything 😭😭

I haven't a clue how I used to get in a car and drive it. 😭😭😭 I cant live simple and retarded like this. Scared in my own house round my own family. 

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Haven't you got any emotions either? Hasn't anything improved at all. It's all getting worse? 

 

😭😭😭

I am the same and have been for 3 years I have had no improvement only decline - no improvement at all. Still getting worse and worse daily. 
 

are you going to apply for Dignitas? I have asked everyone to help me they all say no.

 

When I read your story I think I spoke to you on Fb messenger already but I can’t message you anymore.

[Altostrata]

@Rw80 it appears that you went off diazepam in mid-2022. That's when your post-drug period started. It hasn't been 3 years of withdrawal. Also, @Wardy4022 has not been treated with a series of drugs and possibly had a series of adverse effects as you have.

 

Please do not frighten other members unnecessarily.

[Catina7]

@Wardy4022 Please remember that each and every person is different in their recovery journey.  From what I have read, everyone will heal at some point.  

[Carmie]

Dear @Wardy4022, I know this journey is scary, but please know that we have remarkable brains and they have an amazing capacity to heal. 
 

Each day your brain is trying hard to heal itself. In the meantime though, we all have to try and find distractions to help us get through the day. We need to just focus on an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time.
 

The symptoms are definitely awful, but there are lots of people that have healed from even the severest of symptoms. Have you had a look at the success stories page? A lot of the time though, people don’t come back to this site when they’ve healed as they are back to living their lives. 
 

Sending you hugs🤗

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 6/10/2023 at 8:33 AM, Wardy4022 said:

Anyone with the emotional anesthesia, I'm just after some help and wondering what it was/is like for you.

 

Mine is like a complete removal of any feelings both in my head and feelings in my body. I feel nothing anger, sadness, love, happiness, anxiety, excitement, anticipation, pride, jealousy.

 

I don't feel any maternal feelings. No worry, no concern no nothing.

 

It's not like an empty feeling as that's still a feeling. Like I'd describe the empty feeling like the feeling you get if someone died for example.

 

I can see the most horrifying news stories and just feel absolutely nothing.

 

I cant feel anything for my family. When someone hugs me, nothing.

 

If all my family walked out this second I couldn't feel a single thing or even have any facial expressions. I wouldn't be able to grieve if anyone died.

 

It's that bad that if I got a plane to dignitas right now I'd not feel a thing saying bye to my family or feel a thing about me dying or who I was leaving behind.

 

The other day a neighbour had the fire department out and before I would feel adrenaline and excitement my body just felt absolutely nothing. No response whatsoever, in my brain or body.

 

It's like my brain and body died.

 

Is this how others have experienced it.

 

And just a complete blank brain. Just nothing in there whatsoever. I feel so simple and thick, no concept of anything. No yesterday, tomorrow, no past or future It's just like you've no brain at all. A hollow skull with no thoughts, imagination, can't visualise, plan. This is all horrifying.

 

I try to read and it's like there's nowhere for the words to go. They're just gone after each word.

 

Complete removal of personality and everything that made me me. Does this tie in with the anesthesia.

 

Just negative inner voice all the time.

 

This complete removal of feelings happened at the time of my reaction.

 

I cant feel comfort, freshness after a bath, the nice feeling of putting new clothes on, or the sun or breeze on my skin, the feeling of being starving and choosing what you want to eat and getting it then feeling nice and full and satisfied.

The feeling wrapping up in a blanket and being content. Can't feel how much my family love me.

 

This is so disturbing to me. It's been exactly the same for 8 months now and I'm thinking I will never feel another human emotion ever again. They don't feel numb or flat they feel completely removed. It isn't that I just don't get enjoyment from things I would once enjoy, it's no feelings for my entire family. I mean how could I live like this or even want to. I feel no bonds or connection to anyone or myself. 

 

I've no connection to my own name, none of my family's.

 

I cant even talk about anything. There's just nothing in my head or any emotions to anything. Practically mute.  Can't even feel boredom.

 

I cant even feel anger or sadness towards who did this to me.

 

I don't know what it's called like the feeling you get when you say something to someone and you can feel their emotion or imagine what they might feel and feel that. Share their emotional experience. I haven't got that either. 

 

Can't feel content in other people's company or enjoy anyone's company.

 

Just looking for other people's experiences of this. 

 

Is this what emotional anesthesia is, not like a numbing but complete removal.

 

I'm sorry to anyone that might have been through or is going through this. Its the most inhumane thing that you couldn't even imagine until it happens to you.

 

Does this go on for years just nothingness like that. I feel dead already, just no survival instinct. If it was burning around me I just wouldn't move. I wouldn't move out of the way of danger. That's just not even human is it. 

 

I'm not even being dramatic in any way or over egging the symptoms. This is so severe I have even contacted an assisted dying place at Switzerland. All I can really do is text, read short messages that I can't even remember. I can do some wordsearch but just on autopilot with a blank mind. It's completely disturbing walking around or making a drink or whatever with a completely silent mind. I used to have lists of stuff in my head. I knew everything every one of my family was doing for months in advance. I could remember every single item of clothing I'd bought, where it was from, where I'd worn it to. Everything about my past now there's just nothing. It's like my world in my head was wiped away.

 

There's not really any words for it is there.

 

What sick, sick people who invented these drugs.

 

My family keeps telling me to get help and keep going to the doctor. Unless he's god or a miracle worker how can he do anything about that. Imagine telling them that and that I don't recognise my own face in the mirror or have any connection to my own body at all. 

 

I don't know why they still have faith in the medical profession after seeing them take me down like this Infront of their eyes.

 

I went to a neurologist and came out and said he was talking shite and doesn't know what he's on about, then people have a go at me because I don't believe a professional with years of experience.

 

The doctor that prescribed me this poisonous crap had years of experience.

I've also found out since that if you have  been on antidepressants either recently or ever that you should not be prescribed amitriptyline as it can cause severely high blood pressure. 

So she should have never given them to me anyway. Nice. I'd sue but they've left me no mental or physical capacity to be able to do so. 

 

Sorry just scrolled back and seen how long my post is.

 

Hope everyone else is managing ok....

 

 

 

 

Hi @Wardy4022, I'm so sorry this happened to you its beyond inhumane I've been following your story since you got here and have been meaning to say something for a while.. 

 

I too have emotional anesthesia where its not even emotional numbness just complete removal of emotions and anhedonia. My body doesn't feel like mine anymore to the point of where I feel like I'm constantly spectating myself in third person. Everything I used to love is unfamiliar and scary and I've lost my interests, mental imagery, thoughts, memories and scared I'm getting worse. I also cannot hold conversations because my mind is just blank. The only things going on in my head are racing intrusive thoughts, images, words that make no damn sense :(( Just a complete sh*t show in my mind and body. I KNOW how hard it is to accept whats happening to us but its all we have. I too am wondering how the hell I can live without emotions as its really dehumanizing, but I know you can keep holding on!! Your family needs you and I'm so proud of you for going through 8 months and counting of this nightmare. I'll keep updated on your situation..

 

Stay strong please 

-Julia ❤️

[Rw80]

6 minutes ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

Hi @Wardy4022, I'm so sorry this happened to you its beyond inhumane I've been following your story since you got here and have been meaning to say something for a while.. 

 

I too have emotional anesthesia where its not even emotional numbness just complete removal of emotions and anhedonia. My body doesn't feel like mine anymore to the point of where I feel like I'm constantly spectating myself in third person. Everything I used to love is unfamiliar and scary and I've lost my interests, mental imagery, thoughts, memories and scared I'm getting worse. I also cannot hold conversations because my mind is just blank. The only things going on in my head are racing intrusive thoughts, images, words that make no damn sense :(( Just a complete sh*t show in my mind and body. I KNOW how hard it is to accept whats happening to us but its all we have. I too am wondering how the hell I can live without emotions as its really dehumanizing, but I know you can keep holding on!! Your family needs you and I'm so proud of you for going through 8 months and counting of this nightmare. I'll keep updated on your situation..

 

Stay strong please 

-Julia ❤️

What do you do to fill your time/pass your days? I have a completely blank brain. No thoughts. No memories. I don’t even know what my hobbies and interests WERE, let alone what they are now. I’m just a blank, empty shell with no thoughts, no emotions, no life skills. Just empty nothingness. I feel nothing to anyone. They’re all just strangers to me. It’s bizarre. I haven’t been able to tell the time or the day of the week, season, weather, month… for years. I am 3 years in and so far I have no improvement whatsoever!? I’m only 5 months off everything though… but I’m 2.5 years off the main offender. Is my brain burned away forever? 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

8 minutes ago, Rw80 said:

What do you do to fill your time/pass your days? I have a completely blank brain. No thoughts. No memories. I don’t even know what my hobbies and interests WERE, let alone what they are now. I’m just a blank, empty shell with no thoughts, no emotions, no life skills. Just empty nothingness. I feel nothing to anyone. They’re all just strangers to me. It’s bizarre. I haven’t been able to tell the time or the day of the week, season, weather, month… for years. I am 3 years in and so far I have no improvement whatsoever!? I’m only 5 months off everything though… but I’m 2.5 years off the main offender. Is my brain burned away forever? 

I think that repeatedly adding psych drugs adds even more confusion.. this stuff didn't get so bad for me until I tried zoloft for a THIRD time which did the damage and I've been declining ever since. I just hope the declining stops someday 😭

 

I honestly just follow my mom around the house, try to go outside, or just stay in bed, its really all I can do right now. I also have those time perception issues its really weird. I just feel like a complete empty void :((

 

I think as long as you commit to staying off of everything, you'll see improvements someday. The more you mess with your brain, the worse it seems to get. Psychiatrists just love pushing more drugs on us without realizing that catastrophic sh*t like this can actually happen to people. I think you need to give it time off the drugs but know that improvement can happen really really slowly

[Rw80]

Thanks.

 

some of the pain in my head has stopped. But apart from that I’m just an empty, blank shell with no thoughts, no memories, no skills, no knowledge. Just a body that exists with nothing inside it 

[Wardy4022]

46 minutes ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

Hi @Wardy4022, I'm so sorry this happened to you its beyond inhumane I've been following your story since you got here and have been meaning to say something for a while.. 

 

I too have emotional anesthesia where its not even emotional numbness just complete removal of emotions and anhedonia. My body doesn't feel like mine anymore to the point of where I feel like I'm constantly spectating myself in third person. Everything I used to love is unfamiliar and scary and I've lost my interests, mental imagery, thoughts, memories and scared I'm getting worse. I also cannot hold conversations because my mind is just blank. The only things going on in my head are racing intrusive thoughts, images, words that make no damn sense :(( Just a complete sh*t show in my mind and body. I KNOW how hard it is to accept whats happening to us but its all we have. I too am wondering how the hell I can live without emotions as its really dehumanizing, but I know you can keep holding on!! Your family needs you and I'm so proud of you for going through 8 months and counting of this nightmare. I'll keep updated on your situation..

 

Stay strong please 

-Julia ❤️

Thank you so much for the kind words Julia I'm sorry you are going through this too.

 

Out of all of it the absolute worst symptom for me, from the moment of my reaction I got an extremely loud inner voice. 

 

It's like my entire mind emptied and left just this constant loud inner voice that from the moment I open my eyes in a morning it just goes on and on over the same thing that has happened to me. It says nasty stuff, about my family stuff I would never have thought or said. It says there's no way out of this and I need to die. Then it sings the same song sentence again and again and then fights to go back to going on about what happened and the symptoms.

 

I cant hear quiet anymore because it's constant none stop.

 

If I look at something of my belongings that meant a lot to me it will say for example stupid ring, or stupid whatever. It calls my daughter and husband's stuff stupid 😭

 

My dad was here yesterday and it's saying when are you going to go away. When my mum comes it says I don't want you here.

When people talk it's saying what they're saying at exactly the same time so I can't even listen to them. How the hell is that even possible.

 

It says I don't love my family so I must hate them. It calls them ugly and to shut up when people are talking to me.

 

It said yesterday I wish I'd never got married.

 

It's on and on 😭 it's absolute torture. 

 

Constant flashing up intrusive images

 

And of course the no emotion.

 

I cant stand to be in my own head

 

When I read it stops because it's my inner voice but if it's mine why is it saying these things and that's what scares me to death because what if they are my thoughts now and it's changed something in my brain and this is me.

 

I've not had a normal thought since.

 

This is the symptom I really can't live with. 

 

I only went on these things for pain. I want my nice mind and brain back and to think of nice stuff like what I'm doing at the weekend and what I'll have for lunch and all the nice thoughts of my family that's the kind of stuff I used to think about until this poison destroyed me 😭😭😭

 

I didn't have one stress, no anxiety no nothing 😭

 

This isn't me anymore 

 

It's destroyed my mind, my piece of mind even my own inner voice and thoughts.

 

I sit here in complete terror I can feel my chest wanting to explode with this inner voice going on but I don't 'feel' anxiety

 

I don't understand it's my inner voice so it must be me 😭😭😭

 

I feel like I've absolutely lost the plot. I just don't want to be in this body and mind that aren't mine anymore 😭

 

I've never had an intrusive though, never thought nasty things about people. I cant live like this is saying nasty things about my family. I just want it all to go away 😭

 

I'm no good to anyone anymore I just think nasty things about them and don't have any feelings. I cant I just can't 😭😭😭

 

I was the most loving attentive person. It's my family 😭😭😭 I can't live like this I really really can't. Every single symptom constant for 8 months. I can't do it anymore 😭😭😭

 

[Wardy4022]

Before amitriptyline my biggest worry in a day was what I'd have for lunch. That's how content and happy I was and how lovely my life was.

 

I'm so so tired of this all. I'm just so damn tired 😭

[Catina7]

Hello @Wardy4022, I've been thinking about you ❤️. 

 

I want you to do something, okay?  Imagine for a moment that it is your husband, daughter, or a parent that is the one going through this.  Think about what you would say to them to encourage them to keep going and not give up.  In fact, I want you to write down exactly what you would tell them.  After your list is complete, I want you to refer to it each and every day and now apply the advice to yourself.  I hope that by viewing things from a different perspective it will help you to keep enduring.  Sending you much healing strength today.

[peaceandlove]

9 hours ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you so much for the kind words Julia I'm sorry you are going through this too.

 

Out of all of it the absolute worst symptom for me, from the moment of my reaction I got an extremely loud inner voice. 

 

It's like my entire mind emptied and left just this constant loud inner voice that from the moment I open my eyes in a morning it just goes on and on over the same thing that has happened to me. It says nasty stuff, about my family stuff I would never have thought or said. It says there's no way out of this and I need to die. Then it sings the same song sentence again and again and then fights to go back to going on about what happened and the symptoms.

 

I cant hear quiet anymore because it's constant none stop.

 

If I look at something of my belongings that meant a lot to me it will say for example stupid ring, or stupid whatever. It calls my daughter and husband's stuff stupid 😭

 

My dad was here yesterday and it's saying when are you going to go away. When my mum comes it says I don't want you here.

When people talk it's saying what they're saying at exactly the same time so I can't even listen to them. How the hell is that even possible.

 

It says I don't love my family so I must hate them. It calls them ugly and to shut up when people are talking to me.

 

It said yesterday I wish I'd never got married.

 

It's on and on 😭 it's absolute torture. 

 

Constant flashing up intrusive images

 

And of course the no emotion.

 

I cant stand to be in my own head

 

When I read it stops because it's my inner voice but if it's mine why is it saying these things and that's what scares me to death because what if they are my thoughts now and it's changed something in my brain and this is me.

 

I've not had a normal thought since.

 

This is the symptom I really can't live with. 

 

I only went on these things for pain. I want my nice mind and brain back and to think of nice stuff like what I'm doing at the weekend and what I'll have for lunch and all the nice thoughts of my family that's the kind of stuff I used to think about until this poison destroyed me 😭😭😭

 

I didn't have one stress, no anxiety no nothing 😭

 

This isn't me anymore 

 

It's destroyed my mind, my piece of mind even my own inner voice and thoughts.

 

I sit here in complete terror I can feel my chest wanting to explode with this inner voice going on but I don't 'feel' anxiety

 

I don't understand it's my inner voice so it must be me 😭😭😭

 

I feel like I've absolutely lost the plot. I just don't want to be in this body and mind that aren't mine anymore 😭

 

I've never had an intrusive though, never thought nasty things about people. I cant live like this is saying nasty things about my family. I just want it all to go away 😭

 

I'm no good to anyone anymore I just think nasty things about them and don't have any feelings. I cant I just can't 😭😭😭

 

I was the most loving attentive person. It's my family 😭😭😭 I can't live like this I really really can't. Every single symptom constant for 8 months. I can't do it anymore 😭😭😭

 

hey, hang in there. You’re not alone. I’m going through the same mental symptoms of super weird, intrusive thoughts I’ve never in life had before.

[Wardy4022]

7 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Hello @Wardy4022, I've been thinking about you ❤️. 

 

I want you to do something, okay?  Imagine for a moment that it is your husband, daughter, or a parent that is the one going through this.  Think about what you would say to them to encourage them to keep going and not give up.  In fact, I want you to write down exactly what you would tell them.  After your list is complete, I want you to refer to it each and every day and now apply the advice to yourself.  I hope that by viewing things from a different perspective it will help you to keep enduring.  Sending you much healing strength today.

Thank you Cat ❤️ thank you for always supporting me 😢 xx

[Wardy4022]

11 minutes ago, peaceandlove said:

hey, hang in there. You’re not alone. I’m going through the same mental symptoms of super weird, intrusive thoughts I’ve never in life had before.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too 

[Wardy4022]

18 hours ago, Carmie said:

Dear @Wardy4022, I know this journey is scary, but please know that we have remarkable brains and they have an amazing capacity to heal. 
 

Each day your brain is trying hard to heal itself. In the meantime though, we all have to try and find distractions to help us get through the day. We need to just focus on an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time.
 

The symptoms are definitely awful, but there are lots of people that have healed from even the severest of symptoms. Have you had a look at the success stories page? A lot of the time though, people don’t come back to this site when they’ve healed as they are back to living their lives. 
 

Sending you hugs🤗

Thank you for the support and hugs xx

[Wardy4022]

Thank you to every single person that's supporting me and all the kind words even though you all must be battling stuff yourselves or you wouldn't be on here. 

 

I'm sorry at the moment I can't put any input into the rest of the site and read much about others situations, I try to read what I can.  Hopefully one day if I get better or a bit better I will be able to offer my support to help others.

 

Just know I am rooting for you all.

 

I am greatful for every single one of you

 

I'm sorry if I've missed replying to anyone's comments specifically. I try to comment to each one xxx

[Catina7]

2 hours ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you Cat ❤️ thank you for always supporting me 😢 xx

 

You have my unfailing support always. 🌹

[Wardy4022]

7 minutes ago, Catina7 said:

 

You have my unfailing support always. 🌹

❤️❤️❤️

[18yoldoffZoloft]

12 hours ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you so much for the kind words Julia I'm sorry you are going through this too.

 

Out of all of it the absolute worst symptom for me, from the moment of my reaction I got an extremely loud inner voice. 

 

It's like my entire mind emptied and left just this constant loud inner voice that from the moment I open my eyes in a morning it just goes on and on over the same thing that has happened to me. It says nasty stuff, about my family stuff I would never have thought or said. It says there's no way out of this and I need to die. Then it sings the same song sentence again and again and then fights to go back to going on about what happened and the symptoms.

 

I cant hear quiet anymore because it's constant none stop.

 

If I look at something of my belongings that meant a lot to me it will say for example stupid ring, or stupid whatever. It calls my daughter and husband's stuff stupid 😭

 

My dad was here yesterday and it's saying when are you going to go away. When my mum comes it says I don't want you here.

When people talk it's saying what they're saying at exactly the same time so I can't even listen to them. How the hell is that even possible.

 

It says I don't love my family so I must hate them. It calls them ugly and to shut up when people are talking to me.

 

It said yesterday I wish I'd never got married.

 

It's on and on 😭 it's absolute torture. 

 

Constant flashing up intrusive images

 

And of course the no emotion.

 

I cant stand to be in my own head

 

When I read it stops because it's my inner voice but if it's mine why is it saying these things and that's what scares me to death because what if they are my thoughts now and it's changed something in my brain and this is me.

 

I've not had a normal thought since.

 

This is the symptom I really can't live with. 

 

I only went on these things for pain. I want my nice mind and brain back and to think of nice stuff like what I'm doing at the weekend and what I'll have for lunch and all the nice thoughts of my family that's the kind of stuff I used to think about until this poison destroyed me 😭😭😭

 

I didn't have one stress, no anxiety no nothing 😭

 

This isn't me anymore 

 

It's destroyed my mind, my piece of mind even my own inner voice and thoughts.

 

I sit here in complete terror I can feel my chest wanting to explode with this inner voice going on but I don't 'feel' anxiety

 

I don't understand it's my inner voice so it must be me 😭😭😭

 

I feel like I've absolutely lost the plot. I just don't want to be in this body and mind that aren't mine anymore 😭

 

I've never had an intrusive though, never thought nasty things about people. I cant live like this is saying nasty things about my family. I just want it all to go away 😭

 

I'm no good to anyone anymore I just think nasty things about them and don't have any feelings. I cant I just can't 😭😭😭

 

I was the most loving attentive person. It's my family 😭😭😭 I can't live like this I really really can't. Every single symptom constant for 8 months. I can't do it anymore 😭😭😭

 

Im so sorry that must be beyond torture :(( I've had similar things where my mind will start calling people slurs on the street and some days the mind chatter is non stop I can't hold a conversation because it wont shut up.. its negative some days too, some days its complete nonsense and its my own voice but not my own thoughts!? I too have called my family awful things in my head but im not even in control of it!! just sick mental chatter that just goes on and on on its own.. nothing we can control. I've had moments where I just sit and plug my ears and beg it to stop :(( I really dont know whats happening in our brains..

 

I've heard people with adverse reactions do get that awful negative mind chatter that wont stop.. but I've seen it subside for people it has to eventually. I don't believe this is your forever!! I'm so sorry

 

-Julia ❤️❤️

[Altostrata]

@Wardy4022 what does this inner voice say to you?

[Wardy4022]

45 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

@Wardy4022 what does this inner voice say to you?

It's my inner voice the same one I read with but since the reaction it got very loud and constant.

 

It's none stop and fast. It only stops when I'm reading. But it's like I'm not controlling it.

 

I cant just listen to anything because of this inner voice just going on and on. It's like listening to the radio that I can't do anything about.

 

It goes over and over from the reaction of what happened and all the symptoms.

 

It says I must hate my family because I've no feelings.  It says I don't know anyone I have no family. 

 

It says I'm no good to anyone now because I have no feelings.

 

When people are talking to me it's saying shut up and go away.

 

It says I'll never get out of this and I'm stuck like this

 

When my dad was here it was saying when are you going to go away

 

When people are speaking it's just saying I don't care

 

And if I die it serves them right about my family.

 

Stuff I'd never ever think or say.

 

If I'm sat outside and my husband comes out it'll just say what are you coming out here for.

 

I don't understand it. It must be me because it's my inner voice. This is what that poison has turned me into.

 

My personality went that day, all my traits everything and all my feelings.

 

This is the symptom that's absolutely destroying me above and beyond anything along with the no feelings.

 

 

 

[Wardy4022]

20 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

Im so sorry that must be beyond torture :(( I've had similar things where my mind will start calling people slurs on the street and some days the mind chatter is non stop I can't hold a conversation because it wont shut up.. its negative some days too, some days its complete nonsense and its my own voice but not my own thoughts!? I too have called my family awful things in my head but im not even in control of it!! just sick mental chatter that just goes on and on on its own.. nothing we can control. I've had moments where I just sit and plug my ears and beg it to stop :(( I really dont know whats happening in our brains..

 

I've heard people with adverse reactions do get that awful negative mind chatter that wont stop.. but I've seen it subside for people it has to eventually. I don't believe this is your forever!! I'm so sorry

 

-Julia ❤️❤️

I do the same, and put earphones on with full blast rain sounds but it just talks over that. I've tried allsorts, counting in my head, naming colours, things I can see and it just like it fights over it and just carries on. I cant concentrate on what people say because it's just on and on. What on earth does this stuff do to our brains 😭 just want my own mind and brain back xx

[Altostrata]

9 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

It goes over and over from the reaction of what happened and all the symptoms.

 

It says I must hate my family because I've no feelings.  It says I don't know anyone I have no family. 

 

It says I'm no good to anyone now because I have no feelings.

 

When people are talking to me it's saying shut up and go away.

 

@Wardy4022 it sounds like you feel guilty and angry that people don't understand. 

 

First, forgive yourself. Read this Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Are you able to see a counselor about the anger?