Wardy4022: amitriptyline severe reaction

[Wardy4022]

5 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

@Wardy4022 it sounds like you feel guilty and angry that people don't understand. 

 

First, forgive yourself. Read this Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Are you able to see a counselor about the anger?

 

It's very difficult because when these things are going on I don't have the feeling of anger or guilt I don't feel anything.

 

I do blame myself for taking the amitriptyline and I'm always saying sorry to everyone.

 

It says stuff like my family might as well go and find somebody that can love them because I don't feel love or any feelings anymore and I feel nothing about it. It's torturing me this is my family.

 

It says I'm useless now and just a waste of air because I can't do anything or contribute anymore. I cant even look after myself let alone my family.

 

It says what if something happens to anyone and I don't care because I don't feel anything and what if I can't even grieve for anyone.

 

I'm starting cognitive behavioural therapy for trauma next week.

 

Im scared to death it's sent me scitzophrenic or physcotic. It's relentless

 

Thank you for the link

 

[Altostrata]

13 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

I do blame myself for taking the amitriptyline and I'm always saying sorry to everyone.

 

 

This is guilt and self-blame.

 

If you can, you probably would benefit from working with a psychotherapist.

[Rw80]

@Wardy4022 any improvements? 

[Wardy4022]

No, no improvement 😭 

[Catina7]

20 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

No, no improvement 😭 

 

@Wardy4022 I'm sorry to hear that, but just because we may not physically sense any improvement doesn't mean we aren't still healing.  Your brain has been through trauma and needs time to heal.  It may take a long time.  In the meantime, be kind to yourself.  The brain has a greater capacity to heal when we remain positive.  

[Wardy4022]

I've had a qeeg done and got the results yesterday.

 

I have severe abnormalities all over my brain. 

 

Practically no activity, low activity in my frontal lobe. He said it's in a dream like state and not sure if anyone knows what the qeeg report looks like but the entire rest of my brain is red which is abnormally high.

 

I'm not sure how to attach things to this but I'll try and put it on when I get the email report through.

 

There's no wonder I sit here staring at the floor all day with no thoughts because my frontal lobe isn't doing anything.

 

😭😭😭😭 I said at the beginning I felt like I'd had a labotomy. No thoughts, feelings, intelligence gone, personality just nothingness 😭 

 

I only took 7 tablets. This reaction did all this to me in a matter of seconds 😭😭 this is absolutely criminal 💔 no changes in 10 months. This state would just not be liveable it's inhumane. 

[Wardy4022]

The qeeg guy said there would be no point doing any neurofeedback and that it would be a waste of our money because it wouldn't work 😭 was that it for me. I don't even feel scared because I can't feel anything 😭 xx 

[Rw80]

1 hour ago, Wardy4022 said:

I've had a qeeg done and got the results yesterday.

 

I have severe abnormalities all over my brain. 

 

Practically no activity, low activity in my frontal lobe. He said it's in a dream like state and not sure if anyone knows what the qeeg report looks like but the entire rest of my brain is red which is abnormally high.

 

I'm not sure how to attach things to this but I'll try and put it on when I get the email report through.

 

There's no wonder I sit here staring at the floor all day with no thoughts because my frontal lobe isn't doing anything.

 

😭😭😭😭 I said at the beginning I felt like I'd had a labotomy. No thoughts, feelings, intelligence gone, personality just nothingness 😭 

 

I only took 7 tablets. This reaction did all this to me in a matter of seconds 😭😭 this is absolutely criminal 💔 no changes in 10 months. This state would just not be liveable it's inhumane. 

I only had red areas at the sides of my brain but my injury is different to yours. 
 

I still think you can recover but maybe it would be best to see a neurologist and show them the results and see what they say? 

[Catina7]

Hi @Wardy4022, I've been thinking about you.  Thanks for the update.  I'm so sorry about the results of your test.  Continue to be proactive and try to do more research on how you can help yourself.  I'm wondering if something like red light therapy would help you.  You can buy a small one for a couple hundred bucks.  My husband and I actually bought one.  

 

Article on Benefits of Red Light Therapy

 

Hang in there!  I'm sure there is something out there that can help you!  

[Lauren90]

On 7/29/2023 at 1:32 AM, Wardy4022 said:

The qeeg guy said there would be no point doing any neurofeedback and that it would be a waste of our money because it wouldn't work 😭 was that it for me. I don't even feel scared because I can't feel anything 😭 xx 

I would look into HBOT or mHBOT therapy. There are really promising studies for brain injuries. I know your injury is different than a TBI, but people who are basically vegetables have used it and regained walking and talking abilities. There is hope. Also promising things about red light therapy and someone else mentioned. Don’t give up! There are some groups of FB that you can look into. One is mhbot and the other is mhbot for psychiatric harm or something

[peaceandlove]

On 6/16/2023 at 11:08 AM, Wardy4022 said:

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too 

how are you doing? I’m still having the weird intrusive/ocd thoughts 

[Catina7]

How are you doing @Wardy4022?  We'd love to hear from you!

[David081294]

Hey, i hooe youre doing ok would you mind sharing the qeeg results? We used to talk on fb but i cant kessage you anymore for some reason i hope youre doing ok.

[Altostrata]

@David081294 

 

[Wardy4022]

I don't know what to do here 💔 this isn't getting better for me. I shuffle round all day completely emotionless. I can't love, care nothing. Why doesn't my brain work anymore 😭 it's like I have no mind. I can't think, worry, it's just silence and doesn't do anything. 

 

I can't feel my house, my family, outside. I can't feel the morning or night. Light or dark. My mum sits here day after day and I can't feel her. Time doesn't exist. 

 

My dad had to go in hospital and I have no emotion. But I don't sit here not bothered. I'm up shuffling around clinging onto anyone trying to be angry, trying to be distressed, trying as hard as I can to make a facial expression but I can't. Last time he was in when I was well before these tablets I was up first thing with anxiety and straight to the hospital. This time I just sit here not moving, nobody is in my head. I don't get dressed, I don't think about clothes, my body. It's just like it doesn't exist.

 

All I have left is ringing in my head, constant emotionless monologue. I don't laugh anymore, I can't understand people's facial expressions, I don't feel hunger or thirst. I don't feel pain inside. I can't even feel period pains anymore. 

 

I can't even lay down because as soon as I do I get this sensation in my chest I don't know if it's adrenaline or cortisol but it doesn't do anything. It doesn't make my heart pound or sweat it just makes my chest want to explode so I just get up and shuffle again. I have no memories of my life.

 

My eyes and ears don't work properly. 

 

I'm suffering massively but if you looked at me from the outside I just don't move or talk or make any expression.

 

I've suffered every second of this day and night for over a year now. Why doesn't it go. I try my best to sit and draw and colour, I can't read very well and I can't watch TV or listen to music. I try and walk to the bottom of the garden.

 

It's like being locked in, why won't my arms and legs just move like they did. Stuck in a head with no personality, no humour, no nothing that was me before.

 

I just want it to go. I don't sleep because I don't feel tiredness ever. This is inhumane.

 

I can't feel my daughter inside. If anyone is in the house I can't feel them. I can't feel warmth, comfort nothing.

 

I sit outside looking at the floor with nothing and ringing and inner monologue just going round and round. I just sit in the rain because I can't even feel that. Expressionless, emotionless, suffering.

 

I can't communicate properly by speech, articulate myself or change my voice tone. I really have to try and force any speech out. I can only communicate properly by text. This is just unliveable. I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

I'm aware of it but I can't do anything. My brain doesn't tell me to do anything. I'm so uncomfortable because if I need to do something or organise something it's just blank and I don't know how to do it but I can't panic because of the no emotion then all I get is the stuff on my chest. That's the only reaction I have to anything good or bad. I want to laugh, smile anything but I can't make my own face work and there's nothing inside. I just repeat myself day after day. I know I'm doing it but can't stop it.

 

I don't know where to go for help. I'm battling every second to stay alive in this state. I can't even be positive In my head. What the hell have I done to myself 😭

 

How can I live with no emotions. Never loving my daughter, husband mum or dad again. Never caring, laughing, smiling. Never feeling excitement or joy, sadness or grief.

 

If my dad would have died I couldn't even grieve or care. I couldn't have gone to his funeral in this state

 

I loved them more than anything. I used to cry at night thinking of losing my mum.

 

I read some people say that they still love and still are emotions but the just can't feel it in their body. This is different it's like removal out of my brain. I don't know emotions and it's like I never had them. I can't be nostalgic. I can't be anything 💔💔💔💔💔

 

[Rw80]

11 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

I don't know what to do here 💔 this isn't getting better for me. I shuffle round all day completely emotionless. I can't love, care nothing. Why doesn't my brain work anymore 😭 it's like I have no mind. I can't think, worry, it's just silence and doesn't do anything. 

 

I can't feel my house, my family, outside. I can't feel the morning or night. Light or dark. My mum sits here day after day and I can't feel her. Time doesn't exist. 

 

My dad had to go in hospital and I have no emotion. But I don't sit here not bothered. I'm up shuffling around clinging onto anyone trying to be angry, trying to be distressed, trying as hard as I can to make a facial expression but I can't. Last time he was in when I was well before these tablets I was up first thing with anxiety and straight to the hospital. This time I just sit here not moving, nobody is in my head. I don't get dressed, I don't think about clothes, my body. It's just like it doesn't exist.

 

All I have left is ringing in my head, constant emotionless monologue. I don't laugh anymore, I can't understand people's facial expressions, I don't feel hunger or thirst. I don't feel pain inside. I can't even feel period pains anymore. 

 

I can't even lay down because as soon as I do I get this sensation in my chest I don't know if it's adrenaline or cortisol but it doesn't do anything. It doesn't make my heart pound or sweat it just makes my chest want to explode so I just get up and shuffle again. I have no memories of my life.

 

My eyes and ears don't work properly. 

 

I'm suffering massively but if you looked at me from the outside I just don't move or talk or make any expression.

 

I've suffered every second of this day and night for over a year now. Why doesn't it go. I try my best to sit and draw and colour, I can't read very well and I can't watch TV or listen to music. I try and walk to the bottom of the garden.

 

It's like being locked in, why won't my arms and legs just move like they did. Stuck in a head with no personality, no humour, no nothing that was me before.

 

I just want it to go. I don't sleep because I don't feel tiredness ever. This is inhumane.

 

I can't feel my daughter inside. If anyone is in the house I can't feel them. I can't feel warmth, comfort nothing.

 

I sit outside looking at the floor with nothing and ringing and inner monologue just going round and round. I just sit in the rain because I can't even feel that. Expressionless, emotionless, suffering.

 

I can't communicate properly by speech, articulate myself or change my voice tone. I really have to try and force any speech out. I can only communicate properly by text. This is just unliveable. I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

I'm aware of it but I can't do anything. My brain doesn't tell me to do anything. I'm so uncomfortable because if I need to do something or organise something it's just blank and I don't know how to do it but I can't panic because of the no emotion then all I get is the stuff on my chest. That's the only reaction I have to anything good or bad. I want to laugh, smile anything but I can't make my own face work and there's nothing inside. I just repeat myself day after day. I know I'm doing it but can't stop it.

 

I don't know where to go for help. I'm battling every second to stay alive in this state. I can't even be positive In my head. What the hell have I done to myself 😭

 

How can I live with no emotions. Never loving my daughter, husband mum or dad again. Never caring, laughing, smiling. Never feeling excitement or joy, sadness or grief.

 

If my dad would have died I couldn't even grieve or care. I couldn't have gone to his funeral in this state

 

I loved them more than anything. I used to cry at night thinking of losing my mum.

 

I read some people say that they still love and still are emotions but the just can't feel it in their body. This is different it's like removal out of my brain. I don't know emotions and it's like I never had them. I can't be nostalgic. I can't be anything 💔💔💔💔💔

 

I’ve been like that for 3.5 years now and no improvements. I’ve now lost my partner and kids. I can’t feel anything. I just want to die. I don’t even have a working memory. 

[Wardy4022]

5 minutes ago, Rw80 said:

I’ve been like that for 3.5 years now and no improvements. I’ve now lost my partner and kids. I can’t feel anything. I just want to die. I don’t even have a working memory. 

I'm sorry. This is inhumane.

 

How am I supposed to go around every day with an emotionless mind, body, emotionless inner monologue no personality or expression. I can't even read with any expression or emotions in my head. I can't say anything nice in my head. Everything is completely emotionless. I just beg to die in an emotionless monologue. I need thoughts, memories, it's like me was removed from my own Brain. 

 

You've got to have something inside, a personality, emotions something. I want my inner world back. Everything that made me me. My positive happy inner monologue and thoughts. I used to think of things and laugh and be happy inside.

 

When I hear my daughter or mum or husband's voice it does nothing inside. I used to be so happy hearing my little girl shout me, id go running now I just sit there empty. My husband and mum's voice was so comforting and made me feel happy and safe now nothing.

 

How can anyone get away with doing this to someone. I don't even feel human anymore 

[Rw80]

What does your doctor suggest? 
 

I am struggling to see the point in going on now without my partner. She left me. It’s making me feel like life is even more pointless. 

[Wardy4022]

He's referred me to a neurologist and phyciatrist. 

 

I haven't had the neurology appointment yet but I had the phyciatrist consultation over the phone.

 

He didn't know. He said he needed some time and to speak with his team including pharmacy people I can't remember the correct name he said. I can't remember when this was or sense how long it feels like but I haven't heard anything back. He said am I sure it's the medication and I said yes. He said well we can't go back, I couldn't sue the manufacturer anyway and they 'live and learn'. 

 

I can't understand what people say it's like there's concrete instead of brain just moving around inside. Strange sensations.

 

If anyone says one sentence to me it's too much for me.

 

I want to live so bad so so bad as I was not like this. I couldn't like this 😔💔

[Rw80]

38 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

He's referred me to a neurologist and phyciatrist. 

 

I haven't had the neurology appointment yet but I had the phyciatrist consultation over the phone.

 

He didn't know. He said he needed some time and to speak with his team including pharmacy people I can't remember the correct name he said. I can't remember when this was or sense how long it feels like but I haven't heard anything back. He said am I sure it's the medication and I said yes. He said well we can't go back, I couldn't sue the manufacturer anyway and they 'live and learn'. 

 

I can't understand what people say it's like there's concrete instead of brain just moving around inside. Strange sensations.

 

If anyone says one sentence to me it's too much for me.

 

I want to live so bad so so bad as I was not like this. I couldn't like this 😔💔

You could still get better. Everyone can. Try to keep going. 
At least you are being believed. I am not being believed by anyone and they all tell me I am just anxious. When it’s perfectly obvious I am seriously damaged. 

[getofflex]

Hello Wardy.  I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this.  From what you are describing here, it sounds to me like anhedonia.  That means we can't feel anything.  This link discusses it.  

 

Anhedonia

 

There is bad news and good news.  The good news is, given proper self care, this will gradually fade over time.  The bad news is, it can take a very long time.  However, there is hope!  Do please read the success stories to give yourself hope.  There are people here who were on many psych drugs, and in terrible shape, but they have recovered. 

 

Success Stories

 

Please, don't give up!  It took me 5 years to taper off Lexapro, but now I'm off, and very slowly getting better.  You can too!  

[Wardy4022]

12 minutes ago, getofflex said:

Hello Wardy.  I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this.  From what you are describing here, it sounds to me like anhedonia.  That means we can't feel anything.  This link discusses it.  

 

Anhedonia

 

There is bad news and good news.  The good news is, given proper self care, this will gradually fade over time.  The bad news is, it can take a very long time.  However, there is hope!  Do please read the success stories to give yourself hope.  There are people here who were on many psych drugs, and in terrible shape, but they have recovered. 

 

Success Stories

 

Please, don't give up!  It took me 5 years to taper off Lexapro, but now I'm off, and very slowly getting better.  You can too!  

Thankyou for this ❤️

 

I try and think back to things and there's no emotion to anything at all

 

For example when I first got pregnant I had to go in hospital and they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was so incredibly sad the saddest I've ever been in my life. They did some test and I had a camera in and morphine and couldn't find anything and sent me home telling me not to get my hopes up. It was too late I was already so in love at only a few weeks gone. I can remember this in fact but no feelings. 

 

I can remember my grandma and grandad but only in facts not feelings. I only had to think of their house where I spent so much of my childhood and I felt so happy and safe and would smile just thinking of it.

 

Now there's nothing. It's like being robbed of all the emotions you've ever experienced in your entire life, of school, of friends, family everything.

 

Did you have this too about all your life previously? It's just not humane is It. It's like my previous 40 years got wiped away. Nothing internal or external makes any emotions at all 😞 

 

I read when people say they don't get joy out of activities they previously liked. This is like removal of love even for my own child. I just can't bare it. What sort of mum does that make me now 😭

[getofflex]

Please don't feel guilty.  This is not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of what these drugs do to our brains.  

 

Shame, Guilt, Regret

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

 

 

[Rw80]

1 hour ago, Wardy4022 said:

Thankyou for this ❤️

 

I try and think back to things and there's no emotion to anything at all

 

For example when I first got pregnant I had to go in hospital and they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was so incredibly sad the saddest I've ever been in my life. They did some test and I had a camera in and morphine and couldn't find anything and sent me home telling me not to get my hopes up. It was too late I was already so in love at only a few weeks gone. I can remember this in fact but no feelings. 

 

I can remember my grandma and grandad but only in facts not feelings. I only had to think of their house where I spent so much of my childhood and I felt so happy and safe and would smile just thinking of it.

 

Now there's nothing. It's like being robbed of all the emotions you've ever experienced in your entire life, of school, of friends, family everything.

 

Did you have this too about all your life previously? It's just not humane is It. It's like my previous 40 years got wiped away. Nothing internal or external makes any emotions at all 😞 

 

I read when people say they don't get joy out of activities they previously liked. This is like removal of love even for my own child. I just can't bare it. What sort of mum does that make me now 😭

I don’t even have the memories - not just the feelings. 
 

I’ve just been out with my family to a place for lunch and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t even speak to them. My nieces feel like total strangers like I’ve never met them before in my entire life… and I used to feel intense love for them. Like I would have stopped traffic for them. And now it’s like I’ve never met them before in my entire life. 
 

It’s like torture. I feel like my entire world has been stolen. You’re not alone. 

[Wardy4022]

2 hours ago, getofflex said:

Please don't feel guilty.  This is not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of what these drugs do to our brains.  

 

Shame, Guilt, Regret

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

 

 

Thank you for these x

[Catina7]

Hi @Wardy4022, I'm thinking of you and sending you love and a big cyber hug!  Hang in there, okay?

 

Love,

Catina ❤️

[Altostrata]

8 hours ago, getofflex said:

Hello Wardy.  I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this.  From what you are describing here, it sounds to me like anhedonia.  That means we can't feel anything.  This link discusses it.  

 

Anhedonia

 

There is bad news and good news.  The good news is, given proper self care, this will gradually fade over time.  The bad news is, it can take a very long time.  However, there is hope!  Do please read the success stories to give yourself hope.  There are people here who were on many psych drugs, and in terrible shape, but they have recovered. 

 

Success Stories

 

Please, don't give up!  It took me 5 years to taper off Lexapro, but now I'm off, and very slowly getting better.  You can too!  

 

Emotional anesthesia after years on psychiatric drugs is very, very common. We have seen it very slowly fade away. Often it takes years.

[Wardy4022]

22 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Hi @Wardy4022, I'm thinking of you and sending you love and a big cyber hug!  Hang in there, okay?

 

Love,

Catina ❤️

Thank you Cat 🥰

[Wardy4022]

On 11/4/2023 at 2:41 PM, Rw80 said:

I don’t even have the memories - not just the feelings. 
 

I’ve just been out with my family to a place for lunch and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t even speak to them. My nieces feel like total strangers like I’ve never met them before in my entire life… and I used to feel intense love for them. Like I would have stopped traffic for them. And now it’s like I’ve never met them before in my entire life. 
 

It’s like torture. I feel like my entire world has been stolen. You’re not alone. 

I'm sorry 😔 this suffering is just inhumane 

[Wardy4022]

On 11/4/2023 at 12:21 PM, getofflex said:

Hello Wardy.  I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this.  From what you are describing here, it sounds to me like anhedonia.  That means we can't feel anything.  This link discusses it.  

 

Anhedonia

 

There is bad news and good news.  The good news is, given proper self care, this will gradually fade over time.  The bad news is, it can take a very long time.  However, there is hope!  Do please read the success stories to give yourself hope.  There are people here who were on many psych drugs, and in terrible shape, but they have recovered. 

 

Success Stories

 

Please, don't give up!  It took me 5 years to taper off Lexapro, but now I'm off, and very slowly getting better.  You can too!  

Just wanted to come back on and say it's really good to hear you got off the lexapro and are starting to feel better. Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery to feeling 100%, 5 years is a long time to suffer xx

[Rw80]

7 minutes ago, Wardy4022 said:

I'm sorry 😔 this suffering is just inhumane 

I know. 
 

I can’t feel a single thing towards my entire family. Literally nothing. I have done almost 4 full years of it. On top of that I have experienced emotional abuse and neglect in my home, physical neglect in my home and bullying from adults. It has been like living through a nightmare. But whilst we are still here, there is still hope. And we can try to take tiny glimpses of positivity from a very very sad situation. If I can have a bath once a day for an hour it is a win in my eyes. 

[getofflex]

I strongly suggest you learn and use some of these techniques.  
 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

[Wardy4022]

I don't know what to do anymore. I desperately need help but there's nowhere to go.

 

I don't know what happened to me that day but it's like my brain and nervous system just changed function and it's stayed exactly the same ever since.

 

14 months I've suffered exactly the same it's unbearable I just don't know what to do it isn't liveable at all.

 

I never feel tiredness or sleepy in my head it's just going exactly the same all the time. It's not normal at all. It's not normal for a brain just to be doing exactly the same thing for over a year.

 

At night I put on earphones with rain sounds. I can have it full blast but my ears don't hear it. I can not hear the rain sounds but still hear if someone opens a drawer in the kitchen so loud

 

I shut my eyes and it's like going into a hollow head with these rain sounds just going straight through a hollow head like there's no brain but to listen to it and process it. All I have is inner monologue right at the front of my head going on and on, there's nothing else. No thoughts, no memories just nothing it's like none of the middle of my brain is working I can't think of all, I can't remember anything, I can't plan on my head because I literally cannot think.

 

After a couple of minutes with my eyes shut I get a barrage of short nonsense videos and images with the monologue just going on and on about them. I can't feel my body underneath me or my head or face it's just like floating in space with this horrible sensation all where my body is but in my nervous system. I can't feel the rest of my body all I'm aware of then is like this release of stuff on my chest. It's so uncomfortable but doesn't cause anxiety symptoms because I can't feel my heartbeat at all.

 

So then I have to get up and shuffle around.

 

I look down at my body and it just moves so slow. Like it isn't attached. There's no feelings or emotions in my body my legs feel hollow and I can't move my arms and hands hardly they just hang down at my side. My chest feels like it's caving in and like my stomach, heart and chest just don't make feelings.

 

My face is still hanging and just completely blank with no sensation to my skin or lips I can't smile or laugh.

 

As I shuffle around I have the monologue. I can't hear anything properly it's like I'm stuck in a hollow head and every sound I don't just head it my monologue will say what's that but with no ideas and no reply.

 

I can't get angry or frustrated if I try to shout I can't, if I really really try it's pulling all the nerves in the back of my head and neck to try and move my mouth. I can't feel my jaw move when I talk or my tongue.

 

I shuffle past the mirror and look in and it's like it isn't me, the only facial expression I can make is to raise my eyebrows. It's like looking into eyes that aren't mine anymore because there's nothing inside.

 

I have constant loud ringing inside my head and severe nerve pain it's like it's above me because I'm stuck in a hollow head and I'm not connected to the pain. It can be excruciating but I'm still there with the blank expression.

 

I'll shuffle in the kitchen to make a hot chocolate and look down with inner monologue Saying how is this body moving why doesn't it work like it did. 

 

I'll make the hot chocolate but it's like who I was isn't inside anymore. I've just got the monologue going on and on. It'll be saying I'm just stood here, making this hot chocolate I haven't got a mind, then it'll start telling me mum in my head, then my husband it just goes on and on.

 

I'll walk to the back door and it'll say pick the key up, open the door, what's that noise

 

All I have is a retarded, slow, emotionless monologue to work with.

 

When this monologue starts to go fast and panicking I start to shuffle around and I can I only say what this monologue is saying and when this monologue goes slow and thick and retarded I sit slumped over slurring and can't speak

 

I don't know how to explain how bad this is.

 

I sit slumped over on the settee next to my daughter with a dead face going in the monologue why can't I talk why can't I move why won't my face work. But I can't do anything about it. With my hollow body tremoring and twitching and burning 

 

It's like there's no me left in my head or body. Everything I ever was wiped out and just left a monologue that isn't the one I had before or me.

 

I try to read but all I have is this slow thick monologue that's expressionless and emotionaless to read in

 

All my knowledge is gone, my experiences, my memories. I can't think, I can't worry there's no place to do it on my head. I can't think 😭

 

I can only be what this has made me, I can't be an emotion ever

 

My mum comes every day and every day is the same I shuffle up her trying to make my face work. It's like there's hollowness under my face. I can't feel my face at at, with my eyebrows raised trying to be distressed but I can't feel it and I just repeat myself again and again. I go from the sofa to outside in this state all day and night.

 

There's no time, days, seasons nothing.

 

Because I only have the monologue to think in, I'll say in it what time is it so I'll have a look then it's gone.

 

I'll try and count anything but all I can do is count in this monologue it's like it isn't attached to anything in my head.

 

I keep saying my frontal lobe just isn't working I can literally feel it not working I just raise my eyebrows completely blank.

 

I get in bed look down at my body and my monologue will say put the cover over.

 

This is bad it's really really bad 

 

If I can manage to shout I can't feel it in my head or body I can't get any relief at all. Sometimes I can cry but I can't pull a crying face it's just hanging down dead with my eyebrows up but I get no relief inside

 

I have no memories of my life no memories of my mum, daughter or husband. I look at them and it's like I never knew anyone.

 

I hear them laugh i just stand there inside inner monologue going why can't I smile and laugh.

 

I have never ever known anything so horrific. I am in this state constantly but if you looked at me now I'm just layed on the sofa typing on my phone with my mouth hung open and a dead face. The only way anyone can ever tell I'm distressed is by my texts.

 

I sit eating in exactly the same state suffering immensely inside but if you looked at me I'm just sat eating not speaking

 

I don't want to die because of this I don't want to but I can't even experience that. 

 

And then my monologue will just say we'll I'm not bothered anyway. It's so horrible. 

 

I loved Christmas time I can't feel it experience It and I just shuffle past the tree with my inner monologue being nasty face hanging saying Christmas is **** 😭😭😭😭

 

I can't think and I can't say anything positive in my head because all I have is this monologue.

 

Nothing is connected in my brain, nothing is connecting to my body. It's like all connections have stopped up and down my body. I don't feel hot or cold, don't sweat, don't feel pain inside or from anything external. This stuff on my chest doesn't connect to anywhere. It's like my brain is just dead. I have no personality. I can't remember how I was. I shuffle around saying what did I used to do what did I used to say. It's like I don't know how to be human.

 

In my monologue I say all I want to do is chat, smile, laugh, feel just be like I was before but I can't.

 

I don't want to leave my family. This is too much of a state to die in. I can't remember or feel anything at all for them I can't speak to them. 

 

I try to talk about something normal to my husband and I can't it's like I can feel my brain pulling and not doing it.

 

Yesterday I tried to look online to see why our bin wasn't collected and look if there was a calendar on there but I couldn't do it in my head looking at the phone.

 

All my vocabulary is gone everything is gone

 

Because I can't think if I have more than one thing to do I can't do it and I end up just shuffling around in a circle. I put something down and have to shuffle around. I try and panic because all these things I can't do anymore but I can't panic.

 

I'm trapped inside a brain face and body that don't work anymore but trapped in here without me, my personality, memories, voice.

 

My husband will walk past and I can't hear him or feel him, I just lay here with monologue going I want to speak, I want to shout and cry for him to help me but I can't I just lay suffering with an expressionless face and a body that won't move. I try and think about them and dying and inside I'll just go ha bye 💔💔💔

 

I can't visualise or picture anything. My daughter or mum, I can't picture or feel how sad my daughter would be not to have me. And my monologue just goes ha I'm not bothered anyway. I look at my family with monologue going I don't love you I don't know you 

 

I want to scream cry anything. How the hell do I fix this. The pain and ringing are so incredibly bad. I don't know how to fix any of this.

 

I'm always in the same state it's like never waking up just stook like this.

 

I'll sit outside and I can't see or connect to anything around me. I sit slumped over in the dark with my head ringing so bad and the monologue going. I can't hear or feel the night if I try to look up I have to raise my eyebrows as all the skin sagged down and my eyebrows. I'll look at something and my brain will go what's that. I can hear something in the distance and my brain will go what's that. Then say cars or birds 

 

I can't fake emotions even because my face won't work. I try as hard as I can to talk to my daughter but all I can do is the same voice and same experience. If she hurts herself I can't put on a sympathetic kind voice and expression it's just the same eyebrows raised 💔💔💔💔

 

I can't feel my home my family. They can stand next to me and cuddle me and I can't feel it.

 

I can't think of anything else because I can't think it's like I have no mind to use at all. Everything my mind did is just not there. I'll say think and there's just nothing. I'll tell my self to move in my head but my body just doesn't move.

 

I can't deep breath I can't feel it in my body. I try and do a big sigh but I can't feel it inside there's no relief anywhere.

 

All my forehead is just tingling and burning.

 

I've been left nothing at all to work with. No logic, no thinking, no nothing.bits like my entire brain has packed in, stopped making me and left me simple nasty and thick.

 

Morning is here again and I can't feel it, just shuffling around begging to die but with no expression or feelings attached to the voice begging to die 

 

What have I done to myself 😭😭😭

 

I just want another chance 💔💔💔💔 I can't say bye to my daughter in this state I loved her so much, now all she'd get us bye 😭😭 she leaves for school and I just forget about her as soon as I can't see her or my husband goes to work I just forget. I want to think of them miss them feel them in my heart and stomach like before

 

I can't feel my mum I can't think or remember in my head or feel them in my heart and then the monologue is so nasty about everyone. 

 

I tried so hard to buy Christmas presents online but I can't think, remember anything I bought, know what anyone would like, I can't look at anything and see it and like it do I'm fighting through with the monologue at the front constantly being nasty about everything I was buying. 

 

I can't stand it I really can't every second I'm battling for my life with nothing. I've battled 14 months and nothing is improving or going away. 

 

With my eyes open it's like a head full of concrete a face that doesn't work and stuck.inbetween the 2 just as this monologue.

 

This isn't fair there's nothing fair about any of this. I only had back ache and the doctor that prescribed them had retired, she'll be enjoying her Christmas 💔💔💔

 

I can't just lay down and settle the second I do the chest stuff and visuals come, every little tiny sound makes this stuff in my chest I get no release from. My skin goes deader on my face the ringing and head clamping gets worse.

 

I'm tired I'm so tired. I can't smell, taste food it feels horrible in my mouth and going down my throat

 

Nobody can keep this up nobody 💔💔💔💔 every day jumping up with this exactly the same knowing if it doesn't go there's no other options for me, knowing I might have to say bye to my family in this state. I can't bare it anymore

 

I just want to go to the hospital I'm so so ill I have no hunger, can't remember if I've ate. My body is rejecting drinks, I'm about six stone.

 

How do I explain any of this to them and Even if I could how are they supposed to fix it 💔💔💔😭

 

I get in a red hot bath but I can't feel it inside I sit there burning shivering just looking down into the water with my head hanging and inner monologue going 

 

I don't know what the bit left is that I know about it and I can't do anything.

 

I try and sit drawing burning and shivering I can hardly hold the pencil and see but all I have is this brain as it's working now. I'm trying and trying to fight it but I can't 😭 I can't fix this 

 

Everything is wrecked my brain and all my nervous systems 💔💔💔❤️

 

 

 

 

 

[Wardy4022]

My mum keeps wanting to take me to the hospital but I can't if they found something wrong with my nerves or brain I haven't got the means to cope with it I haven't got my logical or thinking reasoning brain working and I haven't got the feelings bit either. I shuffle around repeating myself distressed but not feeling distressed and there's no way of any release it's like there's nothing inside to either calm it or turn it into anger or frustration or anything I just clutch my chest with my face hanging down asking why nothing is making feelings in there.

 

I have three jumpers, two pairs of trousers, a dressing gown and blanket wrapped around me and I can't feel any of them inside warming me up I'm just twitching shaking hollow and cold.

 

My daughter is only 8, it'd be her entire life without a mum but I can't go on I don't know how to fix this 😭😭😭😭 I don't know how to save myself.

 

I don't want her to have a mum like this it isn't fair I'd just be a burden that could never love, smile, laugh, speak, go out, drive never do anything except shuffle around. She deserves so so much better she deserves me as I was. None of us deserved this. I never thought in million years of only get 7 years with her, seven years loving her 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I don't want to be a burden anymore. My mum is too old she doesn't deserve this 😭😭

[Rw80]

1 hour ago, Wardy4022 said:

I don't know what to do anymore. I desperately need help but there's nowhere to go.

 

I don't know what happened to me that day but it's like my brain and nervous system just changed function and it's stayed exactly the same ever since.

 

14 months I've suffered exactly the same it's unbearable I just don't know what to do it isn't liveable at all.

 

I never feel tiredness or sleepy in my head it's just going exactly the same all the time. It's not normal at all. It's not normal for a brain just to be doing exactly the same thing for over a year.

 

At night I put on earphones with rain sounds. I can have it full blast but my ears don't hear it. I can not hear the rain sounds but still hear if someone opens a drawer in the kitchen so loud

 

I shut my eyes and it's like going into a hollow head with these rain sounds just going straight through a hollow head like there's no brain but to listen to it and process it. All I have is inner monologue right at the front of my head going on and on, there's nothing else. No thoughts, no memories just nothing it's like none of the middle of my brain is working I can't think of all, I can't remember anything, I can't plan on my head because I literally cannot think.

 

After a couple of minutes with my eyes shut I get a barrage of short nonsense videos and images with the monologue just going on and on about them. I can't feel my body underneath me or my head or face it's just like floating in space with this horrible sensation all where my body is but in my nervous system. I can't feel the rest of my body all I'm aware of then is like this release of stuff on my chest. It's so uncomfortable but doesn't cause anxiety symptoms because I can't feel my heartbeat at all.

 

So then I have to get up and shuffle around.

 

I look down at my body and it just moves so slow. Like it isn't attached. There's no feelings or emotions in my body my legs feel hollow and I can't move my arms and hands hardly they just hang down at my side. My chest feels like it's caving in and like my stomach, heart and chest just don't make feelings.

 

My face is still hanging and just completely blank with no sensation to my skin or lips I can't smile or laugh.

 

As I shuffle around I have the monologue. I can't hear anything properly it's like I'm stuck in a hollow head and every sound I don't just head it my monologue will say what's that but with no ideas and no reply.

 

I can't get angry or frustrated if I try to shout I can't, if I really really try it's pulling all the nerves in the back of my head and neck to try and move my mouth. I can't feel my jaw move when I talk or my tongue.

 

I shuffle past the mirror and look in and it's like it isn't me, the only facial expression I can make is to raise my eyebrows. It's like looking into eyes that aren't mine anymore because there's nothing inside.

 

I have constant loud ringing inside my head and severe nerve pain it's like it's above me because I'm stuck in a hollow head and I'm not connected to the pain. It can be excruciating but I'm still there with the blank expression.

 

I'll shuffle in the kitchen to make a hot chocolate and look down with inner monologue Saying how is this body moving why doesn't it work like it did. 

 

I'll make the hot chocolate but it's like who I was isn't inside anymore. I've just got the monologue going on and on. It'll be saying I'm just stood here, making this hot chocolate I haven't got a mind, then it'll start telling me mum in my head, then my husband it just goes on and on.

 

I'll walk to the back door and it'll say pick the key up, open the door, what's that noise

 

All I have is a retarded, slow, emotionless monologue to work with.

 

When this monologue starts to go fast and panicking I start to shuffle around and I can I only say what this monologue is saying and when this monologue goes slow and thick and retarded I sit slumped over slurring and can't speak

 

I don't know how to explain how bad this is.

 

I sit slumped over on the settee next to my daughter with a dead face going in the monologue why can't I talk why can't I move why won't my face work. But I can't do anything about it. With my hollow body tremoring and twitching and burning 

 

It's like there's no me left in my head or body. Everything I ever was wiped out and just left a monologue that isn't the one I had before or me.

 

I try to read but all I have is this slow thick monologue that's expressionless and emotionaless to read in

 

All my knowledge is gone, my experiences, my memories. I can't think, I can't worry there's no place to do it on my head. I can't think 😭

 

I can only be what this has made me, I can't be an emotion ever

 

My mum comes every day and every day is the same I shuffle up her trying to make my face work. It's like there's hollowness under my face. I can't feel my face at at, with my eyebrows raised trying to be distressed but I can't feel it and I just repeat myself again and again. I go from the sofa to outside in this state all day and night.

 

There's no time, days, seasons nothing.

 

Because I only have the monologue to think in, I'll say in it what time is it so I'll have a look then it's gone.

 

I'll try and count anything but all I can do is count in this monologue it's like it isn't attached to anything in my head.

 

I keep saying my frontal lobe just isn't working I can literally feel it not working I just raise my eyebrows completely blank.

 

I get in bed look down at my body and my monologue will say put the cover over.

 

This is bad it's really really bad 

 

If I can manage to shout I can't feel it in my head or body I can't get any relief at all. Sometimes I can cry but I can't pull a crying face it's just hanging down dead with my eyebrows up but I get no relief inside

 

I have no memories of my life no memories of my mum, daughter or husband. I look at them and it's like I never knew anyone.

 

I hear them laugh i just stand there inside inner monologue going why can't I smile and laugh.

 

I have never ever known anything so horrific. I am in this state constantly but if you looked at me now I'm just layed on the sofa typing on my phone with my mouth hung open and a dead face. The only way anyone can ever tell I'm distressed is by my texts.

 

I sit eating in exactly the same state suffering immensely inside but if you looked at me I'm just sat eating not speaking

 

I don't want to die because of this I don't want to but I can't even experience that. 

 

And then my monologue will just say we'll I'm not bothered anyway. It's so horrible. 

 

I loved Christmas time I can't feel it experience It and I just shuffle past the tree with my inner monologue being nasty face hanging saying Christmas is **** 😭😭😭😭

 

I can't think and I can't say anything positive in my head because all I have is this monologue.

 

Nothing is connected in my brain, nothing is connecting to my body. It's like all connections have stopped up and down my body. I don't feel hot or cold, don't sweat, don't feel pain inside or from anything external. This stuff on my chest doesn't connect to anywhere. It's like my brain is just dead. I have no personality. I can't remember how I was. I shuffle around saying what did I used to do what did I used to say. It's like I don't know how to be human.

 

In my monologue I say all I want to do is chat, smile, laugh, feel just be like I was before but I can't.

 

I don't want to leave my family. This is too much of a state to die in. I can't remember or feel anything at all for them I can't speak to them. 

 

I try to talk about something normal to my husband and I can't it's like I can feel my brain pulling and not doing it.

 

Yesterday I tried to look online to see why our bin wasn't collected and look if there was a calendar on there but I couldn't do it in my head looking at the phone.

 

All my vocabulary is gone everything is gone

 

Because I can't think if I have more than one thing to do I can't do it and I end up just shuffling around in a circle. I put something down and have to shuffle around. I try and panic because all these things I can't do anymore but I can't panic.

 

I'm trapped inside a brain face and body that don't work anymore but trapped in here without me, my personality, memories, voice.

 

My husband will walk past and I can't hear him or feel him, I just lay here with monologue going I want to speak, I want to shout and cry for him to help me but I can't I just lay suffering with an expressionless face and a body that won't move. I try and think about them and dying and inside I'll just go ha bye 💔💔💔

 

I can't visualise or picture anything. My daughter or mum, I can't picture or feel how sad my daughter would be not to have me. And my monologue just goes ha I'm not bothered anyway. I look at my family with monologue going I don't love you I don't know you 

 

I want to scream cry anything. How the hell do I fix this. The pain and ringing are so incredibly bad. I don't know how to fix any of this.

 

I'm always in the same state it's like never waking up just stook like this.

 

I'll sit outside and I can't see or connect to anything around me. I sit slumped over in the dark with my head ringing so bad and the monologue going. I can't hear or feel the night if I try to look up I have to raise my eyebrows as all the skin sagged down and my eyebrows. I'll look at something and my brain will go what's that. I can hear something in the distance and my brain will go what's that. Then say cars or birds 

 

I can't fake emotions even because my face won't work. I try as hard as I can to talk to my daughter but all I can do is the same voice and same experience. If she hurts herself I can't put on a sympathetic kind voice and expression it's just the same eyebrows raised 💔💔💔💔

 

I can't feel my home my family. They can stand next to me and cuddle me and I can't feel it.

 

I can't think of anything else because I can't think it's like I have no mind to use at all. Everything my mind did is just not there. I'll say think and there's just nothing. I'll tell my self to move in my head but my body just doesn't move.

 

I can't deep breath I can't feel it in my body. I try and do a big sigh but I can't feel it inside there's no relief anywhere.

 

All my forehead is just tingling and burning.

 

I've been left nothing at all to work with. No logic, no thinking, no nothing.bits like my entire brain has packed in, stopped making me and left me simple nasty and thick.

 

Morning is here again and I can't feel it, just shuffling around begging to die but with no expression or feelings attached to the voice begging to die 

 

What have I done to myself 😭😭😭

 

I just want another chance 💔💔💔💔 I can't say bye to my daughter in this state I loved her so much, now all she'd get us bye 😭😭 she leaves for school and I just forget about her as soon as I can't see her or my husband goes to work I just forget. I want to think of them miss them feel them in my heart and stomach like before

 

I can't feel my mum I can't think or remember in my head or feel them in my heart and then the monologue is so nasty about everyone. 

 

I tried so hard to buy Christmas presents online but I can't think, remember anything I bought, know what anyone would like, I can't look at anything and see it and like it do I'm fighting through with the monologue at the front constantly being nasty about everything I was buying. 

 

I can't stand it I really can't every second I'm battling for my life with nothing. I've battled 14 months and nothing is improving or going away. 

 

With my eyes open it's like a head full of concrete a face that doesn't work and stuck.inbetween the 2 just as this monologue.

 

This isn't fair there's nothing fair about any of this. I only had back ache and the doctor that prescribed them had retired, she'll be enjoying her Christmas 💔💔💔

 

I can't just lay down and settle the second I do the chest stuff and visuals come, every little tiny sound makes this stuff in my chest I get no release from. My skin goes deader on my face the ringing and head clamping gets worse.

 

I'm tired I'm so tired. I can't smell, taste food it feels horrible in my mouth and going down my throat

 

Nobody can keep this up nobody 💔💔💔💔 every day jumping up with this exactly the same knowing if it doesn't go there's no other options for me, knowing I might have to say bye to my family in this state. I can't bare it anymore

 

I just want to go to the hospital I'm so so ill I have no hunger, can't remember if I've ate. My body is rejecting drinks, I'm about six stone.

 

How do I explain any of this to them and Even if I could how are they supposed to fix it 💔💔💔😭

 

I get in a red hot bath but I can't feel it inside I sit there burning shivering just looking down into the water with my head hanging and inner monologue going 

 

I don't know what the bit left is that I know about it and I can't do anything.

 

I try and sit drawing burning and shivering I can hardly hold the pencil and see but all I have is this brain as it's working now. I'm trying and trying to fight it but I can't 😭 I can't fix this 

 

Everything is wrecked my brain and all my nervous systems 💔💔💔❤️

 

 

 

 

 

I’m the same as you I decided to go inpatient psychiatric ward to keep myself safe, I’ve been here for 2 weeks now. 

[Catina7]

I'm so sorry @Wardy4022.   Please know I'm thinking of you and my heart is with you.  You must decide for yourself about going to the hospital, but keep in mind that the only "help" they'll be able to give is to run tests and offer drugs.  The important thing is to have people around you that are supportive and loving.  We here at SA care about you very much and are here for you when you need to vent.  Sending you much love....

 

Catina ❤️