HopefulToHeal:Off Sertraline and emotionless

[HopefulToHeal]

I was in a very bad way yesterday and for me harm reduction was taking the smallest dose I could reliably measure to not feel suicidal especially when I had my son with me. I don’t understand how I “found out” half of a 25mg tablet was too much. The utter despair and life threatening mental symptoms subsided. Are you referring to the rush of energy? 
 

Since the mental symptoms lifted almost instantly does that mean I was not relapsing on depression?

 

I am going to have this compounding pharmacy make my doses for my taper. I followed the instructions from the link and there was way too much variable for me to feel comfortable relying on a micro dose of even 2.5mg. Unfortunately this means I have to wait until Monday to get any of this done.

 

 Until then I plan on taking 12.5mg daily. Could you explain how you know my dose was too high please? Thanks

[RachelSusan]

@HopefulToHeal I am a Zoloft (sertraline) survivor. I successfully got off after much pain and agony. I am going the share some of my thoughts with you, but remember this is how I feel and may not be relative to you. Take what you want from it and leave the rest.

 

For me, any changing of the medication dosage was bad.  I stopped doing up and downs and stopped trying to find the perfect right dosage. For me, there was no such thing. After the mods kept suggesting that I stop and hold I finally did so.  If a person was reinstating the mods usually suggested a dosage based on that persons history. From my reading here on this site I believe the best outcome was when the person took the advice.  I held and held and held until the symptoms went down to almost zero, then I did my next cut.

 

It has also been my experience, that I personally took a lot longer to get relief than a lot of others here on this site.  So I suggest to you that if you reinstate and settle on a dosage that you don't say it has been four days, or two weeks, or four weeks, or whatever one says to themselves, and I haven't seen relief so I am going to start trying to adjust my dosage. I haven't seen good outcomes with this for myself or for others. You may get relief quicker than some others, it may take you much longer, who knows, but wait it out.

 

Like I said, if this doesn't pertain to you then forget all of it, you have lost nothing by reading. If any one part of it helps you then I am pleased I could be of service.  I also suggest that periodically you go back and re-read your entire thread. The reason for this is sometimes the advice given does not make sense to the reader at one period in their withdrawal process but sometimes after certain experiences it suddenly makes sense and the advice is then appropriate for the situation. It would be a shame to miss out on some really good advice only because it might have come at what was the the wrong time for you. Keep rereading your thread and also try and read as much of other people's threads as you can. Your understanding about this process will grow.   I wish you good luck.

 

 

[HopefulToHeal]

Thanks for reaching out RachelSusan.

 

 My biggest issue right now is that my mood has tanked and I can’t cry. It feels like I need to sob for days but nothing comes out and it just compounds the darkness in my mind. How is my mood supposed to improve if I can’t cry? I am starting to become seriously hopeless because of this. Did you experience any of this?

[HopefulToHeal]

Is it ok to just not take anymore medicine after taking that one dose?

[Shep]

7 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

Are you referring to the rush of energy? 

 

Yes, sorry, I wasn't clear in my post about the "why" there. Having a rush of energy can be a sign that the drug is stimulating and may lead to problems like anxiety or worse, insomnia, especially as the drug builds up in your system over the coming days. That's why we recommend such tiny reinstatements to test the waters of a reinstatement when your nervous system is destabilized. 

 

7 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

Since the mental symptoms lifted almost instantly does that mean I was not relapsing on depression?

 

Do you mean you think you need to increase your serotonin, aka the "chemical imbalance" theory of "depression"? That's an important question. It may help to have a read of this thread:

 

Again, chemical imbalance is a myth. Stop the lies, please.

 

When you have an instant lift, it usually means it's withdrawal, not relapse. Please see:

 

Withdrawal or relapse? Or something else?

 

 

2 minutes ago, HopefulToHeal said:

Is it ok to just not take anymore medicine after taking that one dose?

 

Are you not feeling well? You can stop after one dose. You mentioned getting a compounded drug on Monday, so you may want to just stop now and pick it up with a lower dose on Monday. 

[HopefulToHeal]

I am becoming suicidal because I’m afraid I have toxic encephalopathy from tapering to quickly or from being on too high of a dose of Zoloft for too long. That dose yesterday made me feel better temporarily but I know the drug is the cause of all my problems so I’m thinking I just have to suffer without it to have any hope of recovering from this state of constant extreme apathy and emotional anesthesia. I don’t know what to do!

[Shep]

@HopefulToHeal Do you think you may be scaring yourself? Your sertraline dose was at the 200 mg level, but there are many people who take that amount, as its listed within the "recommended dose." 

 

Apathy and emotional anesthesia are extremely common during withdrawal. 

 

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

 

Because you've spent 13 years on psychiatric drugs, having them suddenly removed has temporarily damaged your nervous system, but it will heal in time. It's possible that your brain is protecting you by blunting your emotions so you're not overwhelmed by them now that some of the drugs are removed.

 

Also, you're taking Lorazepam 4 times a day, for a total of 1.25 mg. Lorazepam is a potent drug - just 1 mg of lorazepam is equal to 10 mg of Valium. Please note that benzos are a central nervous system depressant, so it can cause emotional numbing as a side effect. 

 

[HopefulToHeal]

It is possible I am just scaring myself. I just can’t help but keep ruminating on the idea that I’m broken and beyond repair. It is saturating almost every moment of every day right now. I want to remain hopeful but that is so hard and feels impossible for me right now. 

[Shep]

1 hour ago, HopefulToHeal said:

It is possible I am just scaring myself. I just can’t help but keep ruminating on the idea that I’m broken and beyond repair. It is saturating almost every moment of every day right now. I want to remain hopeful but that is so hard and feels impossible for me right now. 

 

Part of the ruminating may, in fact, be a withdrawal symptom:

 

Withdrawal causing repetitive or intrusive thoughts, rumination, and increased panic?

 

It may help to spend some time reading about those who've healed - and many of them thought they were broken and beyond repair, too, but they still healed.

 

Success stories: Recovery from psychiatric drug withdrawal

[HopefulToHeal]

Thank you for taking the time to help me today Shep. I’m going to do the best I can everyday to hold onto hope and take care of myself the best I can. This suffering is truly beyond words for me at this point. Sending love and healing to all caught in the grips of this terrible situation!!

 Much Love ❤️ 

[RachelSusan]

@HopefulToHealSorry for my delay in responding. I may not get back to you right away because of a family emergency that is unfolding right now, but I will respond as soon as I have the time.

 

19 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

It feels like I need to sob for days but nothing comes out and it just compounds the darkness in my mind. How is my mood supposed to improve if I can’t cry?

This is part of withdrawal and a very common symptom.  I don't say this to take away from the feeling, it is truly an awful feeling but I say it so you will know that it is normal for withdrawal and hopefully you won't be so frightened. You think that if you could cry you would feel better. Not necessarily. This feeling will eventually go away, regardless if you do or don't cry

 

13 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

I just can’t help but keep ruminating on the idea that I’m broken and beyond repair.

That is the exact same feeling I had. It sure feels that way, doesn't it?  You will heal. It is hard and it is brutal until we heal. Your suffering is real however all you can do is wait it out. You have Shep guiding you and she is one of the most experienced people here. You are in excellent hands.

 

9 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

This suffering is truly beyond words for me at this point.

Oh yes.  This is so true. I have never experienced in my entire life anything worse than withdrawal.  The worst part is that it just seems to go on forever, day after day. And nobody can give us solid answers.  No one can give us a date when the symptoms will go away. It feels like we are waiting forever for nothing.  But I am here to tell you it does go away. The healing is slow, but you will heal.

 

Sertraline is a very powerful drug and you have been on it a while.  Your symptoms are to be expected.  It looks like Shep is guiding you on a reinstatement. I too did a reinstatement. Reinstatement tends to be a hard time for a lot of people, myself included.  The best you can do is listen when Shep advises you in how much to reinstate.  Give her as much feedback as you can once you reinstate, and have her monitor you.  A big piece of advice I have is don't attempt to make changes on your own if you don't get relief right away. This is very important.  As I said in my first message to you, I didn't get relief within a few days so I kept playing around with the dose.  This was the worst thing I could have done to myself. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than we think.

 

During my withdrawal period I too took epsom salt baths. My husband would buy boxes of this stuff at a time. Costco has it at a very good price. I sometimes took a bath every single day. It seemed to help a tiny little bit. My feeling is any relief even a tiny amount is better than nothing.

 

I also take fish oil and use Melatonin for sleep.

 

I know It feels like you are broken beyond repair but that is not true. You will improve.

 

Like I said, I have some family stuff going on right now but I will get back to you.  Hang in there my friend.  You can do this. Improvement will happen.

Edited August 6, 2023 by RachelSusan
Typos.

[HopefulToHeal]

Thank you RachelSusan and Shep for your info, help, and concern!

 

I wanted to write an update. Re-cap: Friday was an extremely dark day so I took 12.5 mg of Sertraline (Zoloft). It made me feel high and “better” for about 12 hours. It made me realize just how powerful that medication is. I was considering re-instating but am going to keep going where I am and not re-instate. I don’t like the side effects from this drug at all and I started feeling the physical numbness almost immediately and realized I want to maintain being off this medicine to continue healing.

 

 One of the biggest factors for me panicking and going back on was the extreme low mood but also the absolute inability to cry. Today I met up with a trusted friend that I haven’t seen in months. He is someone I trust very much and I was able to cry while talking to him this morning. That was a huge deal! Then when I dropped my son off with his mom this evening I was able to sob for a bit which was also very re-assuring. I tried to focus on the positive feelings I had after crying and really take that in. About an hour after dropping off my son the bottom dropped out. A dark wave rolled over me again and I was in deep despair and anhedonia again. I am familiar with these feelings at this point in recovery which is helping me to try and accept where I am and that this will pass. I got a good meal, cleaned up my apartment, took an Epsom salt bath, and now I’m writing this which is all self care. I did all of this even with this dark pit of dread and despair engulfing me. I did not really enjoy my food but I know it’s good for me. It’s amazing how much I would skip self care out of laziness or other reasons. I am looking at this time in my life as a way to learn how to work hard and take care of myself in the middle of feeling worse than I ever have. Hopefully I will continue these healthy patterns WHEN I heal and recover from this perpetual suffering. I am learning how strong I truly am even when I don’t feel that way at all. I am going to write gratitudes after this post as a way to finish the day.

 

I do have a new symptom onset by this dose I took Friday. As I start to fall asleep my brain wakes me up almost in a mild panic. I’m hoping to get some sleep tonight since I don’t have my kiddo but I am concerned about this. I read about jerking as we fall asleep as a symptom which can startled us awake but it’s that on top of the adrenaline or cortisol burst. I’ve read something on here about this but I can’t remember where I read it. If anyone has any info on this symptom I’d be grateful to hear if there’s anything I can do. I also completely sealed the edges around my blackout curtains this evening to help with the morning cortisol spike.

 

 Sending healing vibes

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@HopefulToHeal

4 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

I read about jerking as we fall asleep as a symptom which can startled us awake

Are you talking about myoclonic jerks. You can google it.  I've had them, still have them a tiny bit. I don't like them because I prefer to fall asleep rather than being jerked awake, but in the long term they didn't hurt me.

 

 

[Blossom71]

Hi @HopefulToHeal

 

Just wanted to stop in and say Hi. I am tapering sertraline too.

 

I know when you're in the depths of despair it feels like you wont heal, but you will. 

 

I have found self care absolutely crucial. Not only from a practical perspective, but also from an emotional perspective.  The times when you need it the most are the times that it is the hardest, but showing yourself some love and compassion is really important. Forcing myself to do the self care has taught me to like/love myself that little bit more despite my flaws.  We are worth it!

[RachelSusan]

@HopefulToHeal It sounds like you are currently splitting custody of your son with his mom. You are going through so much with your withdrawal and this situation has to add to you distress.  You will be alright in the long run, it's just the now you have to get through.  It will get better.

15 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

my brain wakes me up almost in a mild panic

This used to happen to me as well. It did clear up.

 

You will improve.

[HopefulToHeal]

I have decided to reinstate Zoloft at 1 mg as suggested. I just prepared a suspension as accurately as possible and took 1 mg at noon. I need to stabilize my CNS as best as possible while I go through my custody case investigation.

 

 The doctor just called in a script for 5mg of Buspar twice daily. Right now my main concern is having some sort of psychotic breakdown due to the many life changes and stressors I’m experiencing. I feel that I need help in navigating the next few months. I’m not going to jump into a new med but it’s nice to have that option. I would really appreciate any and all info anybody can provide on Buspar and its risk vs benefit “ratio” from people’s real life experience. The doctor seems to think my brain has gone into a protection mode from all of the shock. I had all my normal emotions although they might have been blunted which is hard to remember looking back. Three weeks after completing my approximately 2 month taper from 200mg of Zoloft to 0, I woke up with complete apathy, anhedonia, and zero emotions. I know this tracks with so many other’s experiences from WD but I can’t stress enough that I got off these meds in the most stressful traumatic time in my life. I did so because I thought the Child Family Investigator would see me as an unfit parent if I were on all these meds. I have made so many bad decisions based on fear my whole life and I’m really trying to get my bearings and make sound decisions with these meds now and going forward. The looming possibility of severe protracted withdrawal is enough to keep me in a constant state of minor panic. That paired with the devastation of losing my emotions and connection to my son is what I’m trying to accept as impermanent and hold onto hope that the connection to him and others will return.

 

 So my plan is to reinstate Zoloft at 1 mg for now and hold off on the Buspar. Does anyone have info on the chance of my PSSD getting worse at a dose of 1 mg of Zoloft or is that probably not an issue at such a small dose? The Buspar is supposedly not something that causes PSSD which is extremely appealing to me. The sensation and function I still have is so important to me.

 

I hope this tracks and makes sense!

 

[HopefulToHeal]

Quick update. It’s been 2 hours since I took the 1 mg dose of Zoloft and it seems that the remaining sensation I do have in my genitals is numbing. I can’t handle the thought of losing what little I do have left. I will not be reinstating the Zoloft.

 

 The 2 options I have at this point are to add a bit more Ativan to the mix on days I have to work on court stuff or appear in front of the judge. Or I can add Buspar which I’ve been told can help with PSSD. I would only plan on being on Buspar for a few months until things settle and I’m sure the improvement if any would only be temporary. 
 

I’m leaning toward an acute up dose of Ativan when needed which seems to be the least harmful option at this point.

 

 I’m sorry for so many posts recently. I’m really trying to find a “stable” place to weather the next few months.

[HopefulToHeal]

I woke up this morning much earlier than I have been in a long time. Got out of bed at 7 and started my morning routine without letting myself start with the negative spiral of thinking that I typically have while laying in bed dreading the day. I journaled while sitting on my porch and believe I was experiencing a small window this morning. I felt as if I was “coming back to life a bit”. It was really nice to hear the birds chirping and the sprinklers running and feel the cool breeze. I let myself experience this in the capacity I was capable of and it actually felt pretty good. I made myself a healthy breakfast and ate it out on my porch which I haven’t done in months. This was the first time I’ve done this since I got off my AD. It was nice but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sure enough as I was watching people head into town to go to their jobs I started feeling the dread, anxiety, and worry that I’m all too familiar with. I believe my thinking started this downward spiral and would like to practice more awareness around my thoughts. 
 

A big victory I would like to report is that of sitting down and addressing the thing that caused me to have such a strong panic attack yesterday and derail my recovery. I told myself if I run from this today it will only give it power. After I ate breakfast I sat down with the court ordered paperwork and got right to the question that spun me out. “Do you consider yourself to have been abused by the other parent? Explain.” I powered through as many details as I could of past abuse I endured from my ex. I was able to stay out of my amygdala somehow which was new for me. Maybe a plus of having anhedonia at the moment. I did the best I could connecting the dots of emotional and verbal abuse then moved onto the next question. I worked through quite a few questions before taking a break and using some techniques I found on SA yesterday. The one that I found most helpful was a video on toning the vagus nerve through palpating and stretching the skin in and around the ears. The other technique was a simple breathing technique that is also supposed to tone the vagus nerve and promote resiliency if practiced regularly. I could not find the videos today even while going through my browser history this morning. I will keep looking for them as they were helpful. I believe they were in Symptoms and Self-care somewhere with Anxiety as one of the symptoms. I just want to note that if I had been taught some of the many coping and healing strategies I’ve learned over the past 15 years rather than being told this was permanent and being diagnosed with GAD and later MDD I would have never been put on the Benzos and later the Ritalin to combat the fatigue and drowsiness from the Benzos! WTF!! Anyway, I am truly grateful for all the resources and support this community has to offer. 
 

I finished out my day by over doing it and crashing. I came home after working on detailing to sell my truck in the heat and soaked in epsom salt and laid down in the dark. I also watched one of the videos on EFT Tapping I found on here. I’m adding tools to my toolbox so I can learn to manage my life in a much healthier way when I get out of this WD hell!

 

Hugs and Healing

[Shep]

@HopefulToHeal Brilliant and insightful account of your day, Hopeful. You're going to have an amazing toolbox of non-drug coping skills. 

[HopefulToHeal]

I am still able to tolerate drinking a 5 hour energy in the morning and have been doing so since I got off my AD. My caffeine consumption previously was two of these drinks plus a few cups of coffee before noon. All that to say my intake of caffeine is much lower than in the past. I know most can’t tolerate this amount of caffeine but until it creates a problem I’m going to stick with this routine. 
 

My question is does anyone know if the B12 in this drink is the form that the body can absorb readily and potentially help with never growth? 
 

Thanks in advance

[HopefulToHeal]

I’m experiencing a new symptom which I believe happened to me last weekend as well. Almost immediately after taking my first bite of food I became pretty dizzy. The first time it was a black plum and today it was a soft taco from Chipotle. Both times I felt very run down and weak in the knees. Has anyone had this symptom associated with food almost immediately after the first bite? I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but it is frustrating!

[Shep]

16 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

I am still able to tolerate drinking a 5 hour energy in the morning

 

9 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

I’m experiencing a new symptom which I believe happened to me last weekend as well. Almost immediately after taking my first bite of food I became pretty dizzy.

 

If these symptoms are becoming more common, you may want to clean up your diet, including removing the 5 hour energy drink. If that drink includes things like tyrosine and phenylalanine (which are dopamine precursor amino acids), it may be compromising your nervous system's ability to handle certain foods. Even just the caffeine and B vitamins may be compromising your nervous system (some people find B12 to be activating). 

 

16 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

My question is does anyone know if the B12 in this drink is the form that the body can absorb readily and potentially help with never growth? 

 

Unless you're a vegetarian or vegan, you may be getting enough B12 in your diet from meats, fish, and eggs. That's a better source than a 5 hour energy drink. Many people going through withdrawal report it's easier to get that nutrient from foods than from supplements, as it's less triggering to the nervous system coming from natural sources. 

 

When you use an energy drink to get certain nutrients, you have the same problem as using a multivitamin - because there are a number of other ingredients, you don't know which ingredient is causing which symptom. 

[HopefulToHeal]

I switched over to green tea this morning. I was reading on here about some of the benefits of green tea during recovery. I don’t think I’m having adverse reactions to the caffeine but I will keep monitoring myself. Thanks for the info about isolating ingredients instead of drinking a cocktail of energy supplements.

 

 Just to clarify I wasn’t drinking the 5 Hour Energy to get B12 I was just hoping that might be a benefit from something I’ve been consuming for many years. It taste like chemicals and I’ve wondered if they were bad for me. Now I will try drinking something that taste like dirt instead but with a dab of honey 🤣 

[HopefulToHeal]

I accidentally double dosed my nighttime Ativan dose and took 1mg instead of 0.5mg.  I normally take a morning, noon, and afternoon dose at 0.25mg. I have felt so terrible today that I haven’t taken a dose since last night. Should I wait until bedtime and only take 0.5mg today or should I take another dose earlier?

[Shep]

@HopefulToHeal This reply may be too late, since it's 12 hours since you posted, but anytime you accidentally take an extra dose, you can look at it the same way as a rescue dose and simply go back to your regular schedule going forward. Hopefully any upticks in symptoms will fade out quickly. 

 

How are you feeling today?  

[HopefulToHeal]

Thanks for the response for future reference. I skipped two of my doses then took my two evening doses. It seemed to work pretty well. I’m doing much better today. 

[Shep]

@HopefulToHeal Glad to read you're doing well, Hopeful. 

[HopefulToHeal]

I experienced another window today. This one was different from the one I experienced 3 weeks ago. It seems like my personality is starting to come back. Also my brain is no longer void of any thoughts or memories. Those have been slowly returning over the past week. I have been making it a priority to socialize with the people in my life I can trust and that seems to have helped quite a bit in the past week. I also met up with my parents for the first time in 3 months and they played with their grandson which warmed my heart. As much as they hurt me as a child I still want my son to have a relationship with his grandparents. And like most grandparents they are different with their grandchildren than they were with their children. I still don’t trust them alone with my son but I will say it was quite nice to see my little boy smiling and chasing his grandma. At the same time this experience the past Saturday was also quite overwhelming for me. I felt a million miles away deep inside myself and struggling every second to stay present for my son. I took videos of him playing in the waves and talking to the geese. It’s interesting because in the moment I would have told you that he could sense I was not ok and that I was being a bad father. But after watching the videos the following night I saw a much different picture. I am a really good dad that is doing everything in my power to show my son that he is safe, loved, and my number 1. I was quite impressed watching the videos knowing what was going on inside of me but hearing how I spoke to my son and how I am still showing up as a father despite everything. I am so hard on myself so it’s nice to write the truth about myself and see it in words. I’m going to keep showing up everyday for myself and that will continue to pay huge dividends as I’m starting to see. I’m very grateful for the window and the progress I’m making because of the hard work I’m doing everyday. And I’m grateful that our brains and our bodies are capable of healing even after being tormented for decades not just from the drugs in my case.
 

I’m also going to list symptoms I’m having so I can look back on this one day and remember what I was able to overcome or just refer back here if it feels like nothing is healing.

 

 This is on top of all the symptoms I’ve listed previously:

- Difficulty speaking/slurred speech

- Splitting headaches

- Visual distortion (hard to describe)

- Unable to hold conversations that aren’t simple responses

- Sensitivity to sunlight

- Feeling trapped deep within myself and watching the world from a different perspective that’s very distant (maybe dissociation) I don’t think it’s DP/DR

- Inability to remember close friends names for stretches of hours usually not days (memory issues in general)

 

 I’m still Hopeful to Heal and I see it happening. Sending love to all on this journey ♥️ 

[HopefulToHeal]

I don’t understand how I can go from feeling totally hopeless and having terrible symptoms and thinking this is how I will always be forever to feeling 70% back to my old self within a matter of less than an hour. I actually felt a warmth run through my body while laying with my soon as he was falling asleep. I have had zero positive sensations in my body since I got off my AD 10 weeks ago. It felt like something good was switching back on. And I felt connected to him during dinner and bath. I actually laughed out loud after I put him to bed and was watching Key and Peele. And it was a real laugh that felt really good! I can’t believe I’m writing this honestly I’m shocked! I really hope there is more of this to come. The only thing I keep wondering is whether these are baseline windows or hypomania. This feels like both however the energy is not terribly high. Maybe I’m so used to being so soul crushingly depressed and terrible that this feels like hypomania. I do have a slight headache and a little elevated heart rate. I usually don’t sleep well during these states which also makes me think it’s more of an “up” state than baseline. Only time will tell. The amount of gratitude I feel right now is indescribable! I know there’s still a long road ahead but to know I can feel this good after the AD is completely out of my system is a huge relief!! I know that I’m still in line for a benzo taper and withdrawal that will probably be hell but I’m going to soak up this feeling. I’m so grateful to have found this site which has opened my eyes to benzo buddies. It’s been 15 years since I thought I’d be on psychotropics for the rest of my life. Now I know I can break free completely someday!

 

 As always sending much love to all in this hell ❤️ 

[Shep]

14 hours ago, HopefulToHeal said:

The only thing I keep wondering is whether these are baseline windows or hypomania. This feels like both however the energy is not terribly high. Maybe I’m so used to being so soul crushingly depressed and terrible that this feels like hypomania.

 

As long as you don't overdo things and your sleep doesn't get too out of whack, it's okay, whatever it is. The windows and wave pattern is a rollercoaster and it's really hard to parse through what's going on. Just make the best of the good days and maybe print out or bookmark your posts about windows so when you do have waves, you can read them. 

 

Do you feel that *overall* you're doing better? If you look back one month, two months, etc. do you feel you're doing better? These *overall* assessments can be very helpful in gaging where you're at and assessing your baseline. You sound good and have a wonderful positive and grateful take on things. 

[HopefulToHeal]

I do see improvement from 2 months ago that’s for sure. My lows are usually not as low and my “highs” are usually closer to who I was before getting off the drugs and being hit abruptly with symptoms and “personality changes”. I don’t think my personality has changed so much as I’m just not able to be myself 90% of the time due to feeling insecure, hopeless, scared, distant, foggy, and generally just not able to connect with those around me. It does feel like most of me is still “in there” and I hope that most of me makes it through this process. I went to the pool with my good friend and our little boys today and we saw some other acquaintances from my apartment complex that I have been trying to make friends with. I was able to converse a bit and introduce everyone which felt good. I still feel I have a long way to go before I will have the capacity to be my normal very social and caring self. I will take any improvement though and am happy to report even a small improvement.

[pianoblueman1000]

So far about how long have your windows lasted and how often have they come for you?

[HopefulToHeal]

Hey Pianoblueman,

 

I didn’t get my first window until 7 weeks in. It only lasted for a few hours in the evening and receded pretty quickly the next morning if I remember correctly.
 

They tend to come on in the afternoon for me and last for maybe 12-16 hours (this includes sleeping) then start to recede. This latest one hung around for most of the weekend as far as the cog fog and extreme social dysfunction/inability. The frustrating thing is that I can get waves of cog fog within a window. To me it usually relates to acute stress. When I have my 2 year old and I’m two days without good sleep I notice a decline quickly even if I was in a window. Or sometimes being in my head all day can cause me to spiral into a dark place which is what happened today. I woke up extremely depressed and wanted to sleep the day away. I stayed up for hours last night doom scrolling PSSD threads and videos (very bad idea for me). I finally got up around 10am and actually kicked ass! Now I’m in another window which slowly came on as the sun started to get low and I had a friend riding with me as I finished my last 2 hours of work. I was laughing real got laughs and even joking around with my friend like back in the old days. I’m not sure how long to expect this to last but I will say it also feels like more of a “smooth” energy and not hypomanic at all. 
 

So to sum it all up I’ve probably had 4 windows since 6/4/23 when I got off my Zoloft and that includes the one I’m in at the moment. They tend to stay for less than a day but can linger in a lesser amount for a few days before going back into zombie mode. I’m still very new in recovery but I hope some of this helps answer your questions. Also, my mind was completely blank and void of any thoughts or opinion until 2 weeks ago. And that has been a gradual returning of my thoughts not like a light switch.

 

How are things going for you? Are you experiencing any improvements/stabilization since reinstating? I’m guessing the food cravings are a good thing?

[HopefulToHeal]

I just want to report that I’m still in a window and my cognitive function and mood are in a good place. I’m still very anxious about the symptoms that have not resolved but I am so grateful for this window. Healing is happening!

[pianoblueman1000]

That's great to hear! I reinstated but it didn't do any good for me. I am now slowly tapering off. I have had small windows that usually last for a few hours or so. It has been a very slow process but I am grateful for the windows. 

 

[HopefulToHeal]

That’s a really good sign that you are seeing windows even if they are short. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in experiencing very short windows as well. It sounds like we are both healing on our own time. Hang in there! Better days are coming!!