SaulGoodman: New member, My story

[SaulGoodman]

Hello everyone. Recently discovered this site and would like to share my story with SSRIs. Hopefully it will help some people out with similar struggles.

I grew up with a lot of anxiety all throughout my childhood but always just pushed through it. As a child I just assumed everyone feels this anxiety and they must hide it better, or be stronger pushing it away. As I got older into my late teens I realised I have a social anxiety disorder

When I was 20, in my second year at university things reached a breaking point with anxiety levels. We were tasked with giving presentations to the class the following week and I got triggered so badly at the thought. I went home riddled with the most intense anxiety, feeling I would rather jump off a cliff than go through the upcoming task, more or less resigning myself to the fact that i would have to drop out of school and never have a chance to do the things I want in life.

I went to my doctor who prescribed Sertraline after a very brief chat. They give me the common explanation there is a chemical imbalance in the brain and this will correct it. Cant remember the exact details of the conversation but the message I got was that this medication is perfectly safe and its no big deal taking it.

Being in a lot of pain, desperate for some sort of improvement and completely trusting my doctors expertise I agreed straight away and started the medication.

After that, things did stabilise enough for me to finish school, start working and slog my way through life painfully with high anxiety but now dulled enough to cope moderately. I had counselling many times (all CBT type) which helped me gain some perspective but did little to resolve my anxiety and when the next situation came up Id get as anxious as ever.

After several attempts to resolve my anxiety problem through counselling, I pretty much gave up on ever getting resolution and resorted to management strategies.

A few years later another doctor suggested I switch to citalopram which is better at treating anxiety. They give me their usual short confident explanation, without any warnings about side effects or in depth knowledge of the drug.

Due to the sexual side effects  I attempted to stop citalopram in 2018 as I thought things were going pretty well. I tapered far too quickly and went off the drug completely for 3 months. In hindsight it was a doomed attempt from the start because I hadn't found any strategy to resolve the underlying anxiety problem. So the anxiety got bad again and I reluctantly reinstated.

Fast forward to Mar 2023. A new job opportunity has came up in my company and I really want to apply, but anxiety will be a major problem for me going to an interview and doing well in it. I apply anyway. Days before the interview the anxiety is starting to get very strong and persistent. In desperation I begin to research social anxiety and find EFT tapping.

I try following along to a youtube video of someone tapping on accupressure points thinking this is the stupidest thing Ive seen yet, this must be a scam, I hope nobody sees me doing this crap, etc.

After about 10 minutes doing this tapping I notice the anxiety level suddenly drops in intensity and at that point I started to believe that this actually works. I felt straight away that this is exactly what Ive been looking for and its going to change my life for the better in every way

After that I was hooked and began to research and practice EFT daily and have being getting great results on the things that have been causing me the most misery over the years.

I since learned through my research that my social anxiety is a learned condition due to negative experiences or traumas in my childhood. I would have always said my childhood was perfectly normal, nothing to see here, but looking a little more in depth, there were many subtle experiences of  embarrassment and humiliation that created this habitual anxiety response in certain social situations.

I would now have to disagree with my doctors "chemical imbalance" theory. My brain is and was always perfectly balanced. I was never actually depressed had any other conditons. My anxiety was purely situational and I could feel normal when I wasnt in those situations.  What caused my suffering was my subconsious mind percieving threat in particular situations due to past traumas.

After a few months tapping my results were great but I felt I wasnt able to truly feel the bad childhood emotiions due to the SSRIs blunting emotions so I began to taper. I tapered from 40mg, to 30mg  then to 20mg then to 10mg. After each step i would feel the brain zaps etc and would allow it to settle for a few weeks before stepping down again. 
I went to taking 10mg every 2 days for a few weeks, then every 3 days for about a week then stopped.

The first couple of weeks off were rough enough with zaps, anxiety and general lower mood and at times unexplained rage.
Since march I spend at least 1 hour eft tapping per day and this habit really helped me through this period.
There is an odd hellish day where it seems hopeless like I would never get my life back but this would pass quickly enough.
About a month in the acute withdrawl subsided. The brain zaps faded away

After this i have being having what I would call symptoms of the protracted withdrawl phase. This has largely been a feeling of pressure in my head or a headache, brain fog, tiredness all the time and limited motiviation or joy in things usually enjoyed. 

As expected (and what I had actually hoped for) the anxiety that the SSRIS had dulled could be felt more intensely and when doing the EFT some incredibly intense releases of emotion started happening. To me this was the healing or resolution that needed to happen, and I dont think it would have been possible on the SSRI.

I am now into my 5th month off citalopram. The challenges seem to come and go like last week i felt worse than I had in recent weeks but it passed. The daily EFT practice is my go to when anything comes up. I also joined a gym last week to try and lift my mood and energy and found running along with the sauna and plunge pool (ice cold) really lifted my mood in a big way. I had been trying cold showers recently too and get a good mood boost off it.

There were short periods in the last few months where I felt demoralised like I couldnt cope, but these are very short lived and pass.  On a bad day I like to myself that how I feel is not a truth, just an emotion/perspective and it will pass. I also always be kind to myself after a bad day/experience and remind myself of the big picture, of all the progress ive made over months. Its so easy to get demoralised after a setback or rough patch but I guess the wisdom of being a bit older now helps me see things in a more rounded way. My younger self may have went to panic stations after a few rough days of symptoms.

Currently I am doing great and well on top of the symptoms most of the time but I feel very fragile and my brain has a lot more healing ahead.
 I am fully confident that I will never put another SSRI in my body, thanks to making huge strides to resolving the underlying anxiety root causes.

What worries me a bit reading peoples stories is the timeline for the brain to heal. It scares me to think of how much longer I might feel headaches, tiredness, sluggish generally not myself, but there is no alternative I suppose. Hopefully things wont get worse before they get better

I will post a later update to my story to let you know how its going. I really hope this information helps some people on here. Id also love to hear any thoughts/advice from the group. 

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.   Congratulations for getting off your psychiatric drugs!  That is a huge accomplishment, and I applaud you for it!  I also want to say that you have found a wide variety of very good strategies for overcoming and dealing with your anxiety and the things that were causing it.  I'm going to look into the EFT technique for myself!  

 

Can you please give us specific information in your signature about your drug history for all drugs and supplements you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  We only need drug names, dosages, and dates, as best you can remember.  Please read the link below for instructions.  

 

How to List Your Drug History in Your Signature

 

On 10/27/2023 at 3:25 PM, SaulGoodman said:

Currently I am doing great and well on top of the symptoms most of the time but I feel very fragile and my brain has a lot more healing ahead.

I think this is fantastic!  Your story will give lots of hope and encouragement to other suffering members here.  Thank you very much for sharing your story with us!  Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing.  

 

Do be reassured that eventually, your brain will heal.  Here is a link that explains more about that. 

 

How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take, Factors Affecting Withdrawal

 

[SaulGoodman]

Thank you for the response with such great information and encouragement. I have now added a signature. As for EFT, I would strongly recommend having a look at it. Brad Yates is a good one to look at on youtube

[getofflex]

Excellent on the drug signature.  I l like your quote, too.  That is one of the principles we operate on in this forum.  

[SaulGoodman]

A short Update on my progress. Just over having covid. I don't think it helped my symptoms any as put the brain a bit out of sorts for a few days. All that has settled back down now though.

 

Generally I am doing well. My symptoms are not too severe. Nothing I wont be able to stick for another few months. During this period though all I feel Im doing is existing and going through the minimum effort required to get through the day. I go to work every day and do what needs to be done and at home I try to show up for my wife but inside I dont really want to do any of it, just forcing myself. I just want to lock myself in a room and avoid the world until im better. I know thats not possible and probably not good for me but I have no motivation in anything else Im doing.

 

Before I started this withdrawl I had a diy project I was enjoying and had plenty of hobbies, goals etc. Now its all fell away as I have no interest, energy or motivation and cant face any of that.

 

What can be frustrating is that Ive always been a hard working person and to the outside world it looks like Ive just turned very lazy and bone idle. It hurts a bit for people to see me that way because I know its not the real me. These days I want to sleep a lot and cant seem to get enough of it. Im sleeping well which is good.

 

A Pattern I have noticed the last few weeks is that my symptoms get worse at the weekend. I have a theory about why that is. At the weekend I sleep a lot longer and relax more and I think my brain uses this extra down time to heal more and make changes. All this activity makes me feel withdrawl symptoms more intesely, but that is probably a positive, a sign of progress

 

on a positive note, i think the intensity of these waves has very slightly decreased from what it previously was. Im now 19 weeks off SSRIS completely or 135 days. Im now growing in confidence that I got this beat. The unpleasantness will continue for some time but I can take it, if its no worse than current levels, and even if it is a bit worse I think I can manage it. I dont see any alternative. I want to stay off, at all costs.

 

 

 

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, SaulGoodman said:

I want to stay off, at all costs.

I salute you for this.  Excellent.  

[SaulGoodman]

I had a  few of the worst days yet, felt everything was unravelling and I wont be able to do this. The deepest darkest despair imaginable, with low mood, anxiety panic and headaches, all while travelling for work in a busy week and trying to keep it together.

 

Its truly hellish to be in that space. I know its purely withdrawal symptoms but it doesn't make it any easier to endure it. When in that place its truly terrifying as you feel your life is ruined and only misery and the most intense pain will ever exist in your body.

 

Then I got a good nights sleep last light. As soon as I hit the pillow I felt my brain doing strange things, head spinning a bit. I woke up today and felt much much better. Like the best day I've had in a very long time. There is a slight headache and very slight emotional problems, but complete bliss compared to recent weeks.

 

Is this the windows and waves pattern beginning, Im wondering? I havent experienced this sort of step change in my mood in 1 day up to now. Its been a fairly steady state of suffering for 5 months, with a worsening the last few weeks, then a further worsening the past few days. Its like the wave has got more and more intense before finally breaking? Id love to hear peoples insights of what's going on, if they have had similar experiences. Who knows what tomorrow holds. I feel so good tonight, fingers crossed it carries through

[getofflex]

18 hours ago, SaulGoodman said:

all while travelling for work in a busy week and trying to keep it together.

The traveling and busy-ness could be stressful, which would increase your adrenaline, and that would worsen your symptoms.  I'm glad you slept well and felt better the next day.  Yes, this is the windows and waves pattern, I'm willing to bet.  

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

I hope you are doing OK today.  When you get in the intense wave, please read this link, it can really help. 

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

Edited November 10, 2023 by getofflex

[getofflex]

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

[SaulGoodman]

Thank you so much for this excellent information, its very reassuring, especially the techniques for managing withdrawal. Today has been great as well, like the old me, anxiety gone and in great mood. That's 2 days of a very bright window. I'm delighted because this is the first sign of progress. Before this point I wasn't seeing any relief and was getting increasingly fearful about more months of suffering and further worsening, until some sort of breaking point where I couldn't cope. My mind was spiraling thinking of things like I wouldn't be able to work, my wife would leave me.etc. I know i was catastrophising but when inside a wave those possibilities seem so real. Its just so unpredictable what's around the corner in terms of symptoms and you are a passenger in the journey unfortunately.

 

I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but for me the last 2 days has been like like the sun has came out and the sky is blue, after 5 solid months of rain and cloud. Its a very welcome relief.

[littlebird]

On 11/10/2023 at 2:15 PM, SaulGoodman said:

I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but for me the last 2 days has been like like the sun has came out and the sky is blue, after 5 solid months of rain and cloud. Its a very welcome relief.

So nice to hear! Hope the sun stays out. ☀️

 

Quote

"One day, you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you're going through now, and it will become part of someone else's survival guide"

I really like this, thank you for sharing. 

[SaulGoodman]

5 days now of "sunshine" or this window. Its like a switch has been flicked in my head. Everything is great, feeling almost normal. Hope it lasts.

 

How are you doing little bird? I see you've been slowly tapering, like I should have done. Hope you're not suffering too much with the process?

[SaulGoodman]

Update

Day 10 of feeling better, still in the window. Its a walk in the park compared to the days before the wave broke.

 

Im still dealing with a few problems like mild headaches, lack of motivation, energy, morning tiredness, feeling cold a lot of the time at room temp. 

[getofflex]

This is great news!  You are having a nice long window.  

[SaulGoodman]

Update

Im now 5 months off the meds.

After the rough patch 2 weeks ago, its been pretty good. The window has held since. Psychologically Im much better. Some interests, enthusiasm etc returning. Much Less anxiety

 

I have some pressure or swelling feeling in my head most of the time, and occasional headaches. I want to sleep and rest a lot. My brain seems to be healing but it gets overworked and tired very easily. A short period like a hour of something taxing or stressful and I feel the need to lie down with a headache

 

Ive managed to find peace and acceptance in the process, letting it take as long as it takes. My encouragement is that each day is one closer to being healed. 

 

As for regrets about the past, such as taking SSRIs in the first place and the time ive lost, I try to let those go although they do niggle at me sometimes.

Im working on having a more positive mental attitude and focusing my energy only on the things I can control going forward.

I suppose if you dwell on the past, you compromise your future and worsen the time lost.

[getofflex]

Saul it sounds like you are doing very well, and have an excellent attitude.  Good work.  Acceptance is key in something like this, I've found.  

[SaulGoodman]

A short update

After 3 weeks in the window I was feeling almost normal. Was on holiday last week and made the mistake of having a few beers one day. It was a stupid thing to do, but things had been going so well I let ny guard down and thought there would be no consequences. This unbalanced things for 3 days or so. Another day I had too much caffeine which also put the brain out of balance too. Thankfully things have settled down again.

 

I now know that I will need to avoid alcohol for a long time and keep the caffiene levels low. I had no idea how sensitive my brain is at this stage. 3 months after quitting it was less sensitive than it is now

 

[Poppy745]

43 minutes ago, SaulGoodman said:

A short update

After 3 weeks in the window I was feeling almost normal. Was on holiday last week and made the mistake of having a few beers one day. It was a stupid thing to do, but things had been going so well I let ny guard down and thought there would be no consequences. This unbalanced things for 3 days or so. Another day I had too much caffeine which also put the brain out of balance too. Thankfully things have settled down again.

 

I now know that I will need to avoid alcohol for a long time and keep the caffiene levels low. I had no idea how sensitive my brain is at this stage. 3 months after quitting it was less sensitive than it is now

 

Hi @SaulGoodman Your experience overall gives me some hope that I will start to heal. My main issue with this process has been anxiety. I just can't stop it coming and ruining every bit of progress made. I wish you well. I look forward to seeing your progress.

[SaulGoodman]

Is your anxiety general brain out of balance anxiety or is there a particular recurring topic or issue worrying you? If its always something specific you may be able to work the intensity down

 

Heres another thought that should give you hope along with everyone on this site. I believe the information on here is biased towards the worst withdrawl cases, and that a lot of cases can be milder than the posts may suggest. I think this for a couple of reasons

1. People who access this site and post are probably in a place of desperation seeking reassurance like I was. The milder cases probably never visit the site or if they do, they dont post.

 

2. When people start to feel better they quickly get on with their lives and dont access this site in a lot of cases I would think. So you wont see a lot of people posting that they are great or improved.

 

When I first accessed this site I found it terrifying some of the long withdrawals people have suffered, but I do believe this is  a minority of cases

 

[Poppy745]

2 minutes ago, SaulGoodman said:

Is your anxiety general brain out of balance anxiety or is there a particular recurring topic or issue worrying you? If its always something specific you may be able to work the intensity down

 

Heres another thought that should give you hope along with everyone on this site. I believe the information on here is biased towards the worst withdrawl cases, and that a lot of cases can be milder than the posts may suggest. I think this for a couple of reasons

1. People who access this site and post are probably in a place of desperation seeking reassurance like I was. The milder cases probably never visit the site or if they do, they dont post.

 

2. When people start to feel better they quickly get on with their lives and dont access this site in a lot of cases I would think. So you wont see a lot of people posting that they are great or improved.

 

When I first accessed this site I found it terrifying some of the long withdrawals people have suffered, but I do believe this is  a minority of cases

 

@SaulGoodman I think you are right. It is true that I visit more when struggling. The anxieties are usually pretty varied. Health anxiety is something new, which started after a loved one got ill recently, but there are others as well. Sometimes it takes weeks to move past. It is exhausting because the thoughts feel so real it can be impossible to ignore them. My brain tells me they are real. Getting perspective is so hard. I keep hoping that my particular case will not be a bad one and that this will settle. 

[SaulGoodman]

 

Tomorrow marks 6 months off all medication. To summarise, the pattern so far has been the acute withdrawl for a few weeks at the start. Symptoms like brain zaps gradually went away. Then the protracted phase started to ramp up over a few months. Dull headaches and emotions and moods worsening. These symptoms were steady and ramped up to a peak at 4.5 months, then suddenly broke overnight after a horrible day.  I got a 3 week window after that. At 5 months I discovered a sensitivity to caffiene and alcohol which was destabilising me so I quit. This sensitivity has developed only in the later stages. A the 3 month mark I had some alcohol with no consequences and caffeine wasn't a problem. I plan to avoid both for the foreseeable future.

I had a window all last week, then last weekend I started feeling tired and burned out. This must have marked the beginning of a wave. I'm now on day 8 of this wave. The current intensity is much lower than the peak wave at the 4.5 month mark and although its not where I want to be, I'm pretty comfortable getting through it. I just keep digging in like with any other challenge in life such as battling through a tough period in work. Just get through it whatever way works

[SaulGoodman]

My second wave finally broke 2 days ago. Not just as severe as the first. Now feeling really good. I plotted the last 27 weeks of symptoms rated out of 10 in severity from my diary. Not an exact science but helps tell the story

 

 

[getofflex]

This is very good news Saul!  I'm glad to hear it. 

[SaulGoodman]

I want to buy a magnesium supplement but dont know which one. I find it very confusing all the different types people take on here. Any advice please?

[Dahlia50]

@SaulGoodman Hi, I take Magnesium glycinate, a little gentler on the stomach. But there are others too.

[SaulGoodman]

Providing an update as its a few months since my last.

 

Im now 8.5 months drug free. My brain has still a way to go with healing. Im feeling daily dull headaches and listening to the subtle sound of my bloodflow in my ears pulsing most days.

I still am having waves but theyre getting slightly weaker than the previous ones.

My brain is still very fragile and cant deal with stress. Im hauling myself through the days at work doing whatever it takes to get by. I dont have the drive or interest in most things I usually would, so im restinf a lot and doing the bare minimum. Its a tough state to live in. I feel like my life is paused and im waiting for it to resume, and I worry those around me are judging me for being so unwilling to participate in anything and being so unenthusiastic. I worry that I look lazy or like im not trying and i hate that because Ive always been hard working

 

Overall its pretty tough and Im hoping to see some improvement in the coming months. Looking back at my notes I am slowly getting better but its subtle and very gradual. 

 

Im trying to keep the hope and faith that i will heal but its such a slow process the doubts creep in regularly