Andrew79: Sowing what I reaped, while consuming Paroxetine for over a decade...

[Andrew79]

Hi there. I joined last year, but this is my first post. I'm not really sure what I hope to achieve here. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. Sometimes I just want to yell from the rooftops, warning people to stay away from Paxil. I guess this post stems from both of those statements. A little of my story-

 

I moved to QC, Canada when I met my wife in 2002. Married quite quickly after meeting. Coming from the US, I was definitely not prepared or knew what I was in for, with a move 500 miles away to another country. Especially when it's a country within a country, so to speak, as Quebec can often be seen. Extremely long and winding story short - I became a very different person, within the first five years or so. So much I can point to now, as the catalysts for my becoming a shell of a man. I think it was mostly a perfect storm of childhood traumas, harmful paths as a young man, and high stress life circumstances as a young married man. I can honestly say my wife was not the problem. I was. But I didn't see it that way, at the time. 

 

After five years in, my wife told me she thought I needed to see a doctor. That I "needed" to be on medicine. That since my mom had mental health issues, depression etc., it ran in my family. That it was a chemical imbalance. When you break your arm, you go to the doctor, and they fix you. It's the same with mental health. These are things I completely reject now, but at the time, I needed to do something. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize anymore. Aggressive, depressed, anxiety ridden... 

 

You can't imagine how I wish I could go back to that point in time. The moment I pulled my car up to the medical clinic. I wish I could go back and tell younger me, that it was the circumstances in my life that needed to change. It was the healing I needed to do. It was the therapy I needed to seek out. Instead, I sought out a drug to "fix" me. And on top of that, one of the worst drugs in the ssri family you could possibly take. One of the hardest to get off of. One with the worst side effects. One that would change my life... But not for the better.

 

I went into a clinic and had a seven-minute conversation with a GP that obviously was there at a drop-in clinic for some extra side cash.

 

"Do you feel down?" Yes, I said. "Do you lash out?" Yes. "Does your mother take any anti-depressants?" Yes. "Here's a prescription".

 

I'll sum up my years on Paroxetine. It gave me all the typical side effects, but it seemed to help with my anxiety. It did not make me feel happy. It did, however, seem to blunt my emotions. Which I suppose could be interpreted as "helping" with being depressed. Over the years, I'd start feeling confused as to why I'm not feeling happy. Why I'm still having moments of lashing out. Why I can't seem to click into life the way I see others can. Just always feeling like something was just wrong with me. So, I went back, upped the dose a couple times. 

 

Over the years, I tried to get off of it. The very first time, was cold turkey. I was NEVER told by the doctor about ANY negative side effects, and that coming OFF of Paxil can be difficult. I knew nothing of tapering, withdraw, discontinuation syndrome... None of it. I remember having the extreme zaps, the suicidal ideations... I went back on. I tried to get off a few other times and couldn't ever do it.

 

I've been off of Paxil for about half a year. I'm definitely experiencing withdraw. I'm so thankful I'm off of it though. Because I know what I lost while on it.

 

I've come to realize that so much of my impulsive behaviors, risky behaviors, emotional indifference can be traced back to being on Paxil. I went from a man with a wife, three kids, to currently alone. I've lost it all. The things I've done, and said, and thought over the years are unfathomable to me now. It's as if I've awoken from a nightmare. And I don't mean that figuratively. I mean it literally feels like I'm awake after over a decade of dreaming. I left my wife seven years ago. A woman who stood by me through it all. Who had to suffer alongside a man who became a shell. I did things over the years on Paxil, that when I think of now, makes me actually ill. I can't believe the person I was. I can't believe the decisions I made. I can't believe how numb and callused I was towards her, my kids, and really my own life and self. Basically, what I've realized, is that Paxil did nothing to "fix" me. All the problems that weighed on me and my heart/mind/soul, never went away. I just was able to numb myself a little more towards them. Sometimes now drug-free, a memory will pop up and I'll see it and feel it in a completely different way than I did at the time. It's hard to explain. It's like I think about my life and see a movie played out, by an actor that looks like me, but isn't me. I'm angry. Angry at Paxil, angry at that doctor... I feel I've lost years and years of my life. Years I won't get back. But alongside that anger, I have empathy. Empathy for myself. I'm trying to balance guilt and sadness, with empathy and hope.

 

I'm in the process of working this all out. Maybe someday I will have my family together again, intact, by the grace of God and clear mind. I've talked with her about a lot of this, and she seems to understand how these brain and body altering drugs can play a part in the downfall of a person. Discovering Dr Roger Mcfillin, and many others has been a game changer for me, personally. Also moving towards God and His grace and forgiveness. Redemption. Things I never cared about really, and eye rolled over. 

 

For those of you who have lost during your time on one of these drugs- I know how you feel. We must take responsibility for our actions and life choices, but to deny that Paxil didn't have a role in this for ME, would be a gross mistake. 

 

I'll post more as I continue this journey in healing. As I said, I am experiencing prolonged withdraw, and I'll share more another time.  Love to you all. Have hope.

Edited March 7 by Emonda
Name to title

[Emonda]

Welcome to S.A. @Andrew79

 

I'm sorry to hear of your journey. At places in your introduction, I could easily have been reading about myself. 

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

Sometimes I feel so alone in this. Sometimes I just want to yell from the rooftops, warning people to stay away from Paxil

 

You're not alone here, Andrew79. Plenty of us know how you feel. I've read plenty of accounts of Paxil...and would yell from the rooftops, too! By the grace of God, I avoided that AD, although Zoloft, Lexapro, and Brintellix are pretty rotten, too (speaking from personal experience)!

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

That since my mom had mental health issues, depression etc., it ran in my family. That it was a chemical imbalance.

 

Again, chemical imbalance is a myth. Stop the lies, please.

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

I wish I could go back and tell younger me, that it was the circumstances in my life that needed to change. It was the healing I needed to do. It was the therapy I needed to seek out.

 

I hear you—I feel the same regret. However, I've accepted the past and am focused on the recovery process these days.

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

"Do you feel down?" Yes, I said. "Do you lash out?" Yes. "Does your mother take any anti-depressants?" Yes. "Here's a prescription".

 

It's appalling.

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

Over the years, I tried to get off of it. The very first time, was cold turkey.

 

For anyone at the start of this journey and reading this...here is the approach recommended on this site: Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

I remember having the extreme zaps, the suicidal ideations... I went back on

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) typical WD symptoms you experienced.

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

I've been off of Paxil for about half a year. I'm definitely experiencing withdraw.

 

Time and patience is the key. Here are a few helpful links:

 

Windows and waves pattern of stabilization

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Non-drug coping strategies

 

Melatonin for sleep

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

Angry at Paxil, angry at that doctor... I feel I've lost years and years of my life. Years I won't get back. But alongside that anger, I have empathy. Empathy for myself. I'm trying to balance guilt and sadness, with empathy and hope.

 

There are a lot of emotions to process. Focus on the years you have ahead, not what has happened in the past. Guilt/sadness...yeah, we get it. We've all made decisions and said things we now regret—many of those things influenced by the ADs / or WD symptoms. 

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

Maybe someday I will have my family together again, intact, by the grace of God and clear mind.

 

4 hours ago, Andrew79 said:

Also moving towards God and His grace and forgiveness. Redemption.

 

Amen, brother.

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but two that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. Add one at a time and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Avoid alcohol. 

 

This is your own Introduction topic.  Each member has only ONE Introduction topic.  Your own Introduction topic is the best place to ask questions and the place to journal your progress.  This keeps your history in one place and means you do not have to repeat your story. 

 

Once again, welcome to S.A.

 

Emonda