Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[Iggy131313]

please tell me it will go away, I cant go on like this, Im so scared

[Barbarannamated]

It's intermittent for me and worse when I have nothing to do or people to interact with. Time goes v-e-r-y slowly. I felt a slight improvement when I laid flat for a short time yesterday. I don't know why and it seems counterintuitive, but thought I'd mention.

 

Also, my feeling is more of a psychological restlessness than physical. Angst.

[Iggy131313]

how long have you been in withdrawal barbara? im sorry you have to experience this awful symptom, its the worst of them all

[Iggy131313]

I have searched the forum and there doesnt seem to be any advice on how to cope with this aggitataed inner reslessness, can someone help me please, its driving me to self harming all the time

[Iggy131313]

I REALLY dont know what to do, I dont know if this small amount of celexa is helping or hurting me....would it be a good idea to hold at this dose (0.48) and see if my system can settlle down a bit?

 

Alto, I KNOW Im a real pain,I do MY OWN head in, I cant imagine how annoying I must be to everyone else!!! but I promise if I ever recover I will donate 100 pounds to your site if you will advise me a littl further (I would do it now but cant afford food)

 

how can I tell if this small amount is harming me or not?

 

Im still sleeping well after all the cuts, does that say anything? and there have been some better times, but not recently....would a hold tell me anything?

 

If I did a long hold, how long should it be? and how would I know if I was becoming more stable...in march I was SO much more stable, but I was still tapering at the same rate, I want to be able to make these desicions for myself but I dont know how to asses things, I dont know how to know of Im doing the right thing.

 

I just want to be able to function, be a mother to my son, I try, oh lord how I try...

 

yesterday I had the normal morning anxiety (anxiety has settled down a bit recently, its not all day, mostly just in the am) and then was reletivly calm, although of course feeling like sh1t, dizzy and very bad....but not being tortured, at 5pm I was so gratful that the inner restlessness had not come on me, I was on my knees thanking god for it not being there, then at 5.30 it came on, and lasted until 2am where I had to take a valium because I had gone downstairs to get a knife to start self harming but instead of ging in the knife drawer I took a valium...

[Meimeiquest]

If I were in your shoes, I would treat this as a full-on emergency by getting expert medical help (using one of the professionals listed here) and taking whatever Valium I had to to survive until that appointment. Choose a dose of citalopram (or none) and stick with it...Being a suicidal mom is really a serious thing (or a suicidal anything else). Who knows the level of your underlying depressive disorder? I would just assume it is really bad and start doing all the interventions for depression in the self-care section. You're going to have to fight like hell. Getting well is not nearly so much (I hope) about how bad your starting place is, but about how hard you fight a multi-pronged battle. If you can get to a helpful therapist, go. I know I sometimes just have to lie in bed and let the darkness swirl...do that when you need to. But that's just my philosophy...I don't know what is right for you. I made an appointment for myself with a doctor who is a 3-4 hour drive from my house...don't limit yourself to just "reasonable" things. Imagine your son is in the agony you are in...what would you do for him? Many hugs!

[Iggy131313]

thanks hun, I have been to see david healy....the only other help I would get is drs trying to polydrug me, I have been suicidal for 10 months now and I just desperatly need relief but I dont know what to do to help my system, I dont know if it wants the drug out or if I should stop making changes

 

But you are right, this is a full on emergency, I would do ANYTHING to not feel like this anything

 

oh, and I dont have a depressive disorder, I was put on ssris during a physical illness I have never had any mental health issues in my life...until now

[Iggy131313]

if nayone I loved was going through this, I would help them die, now I know how profound and unbearable the suffering is, I am being tortured everyday and beg to die.

[Meimeiquest]

I'm working right now....would like to read your thread before I say anything unhelpful. But you're going to get better...just need to find the right path for the strength to get through a very horrendous experience. Have you read beyondmeds.com? Gia was actually bed bound for 2 years. Lots of ideas there for the mental part of this journey...not underlying disease but the strength to walk through it.

[Iggy131313]

yes, in fact I was reading ti and saw I had a reply on my post//

 

thankyou for your reassurance, Im feel so helpless and hopeless.

[Narcissus]

I have searched the forum and there doesnt seem to be any advice on how to cope with this aggitataed inner reslessness, can someone help me please, its driving me to self harming all the time

 

Try to remind yourself that it's temporary, that it isn't how you REALLY feel about life or yourself, that it's part of a larger sickness that will go away in time. It's terrible to hear but you just have to wait. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? They can be helpful if they understand the situation. It's important to have someone to call or reach out to when the suicidal thoughts start. Do you have someone like that?

 

I would definitely suggest staying where you are dose wise, give yourself some time to settle down.

 

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Things will get better, I promise.

[strawberry17]

Hi Iggy, what does your husband think you should do about the last bit of Citalopram? he must have been observing at close quarters how things are going for you?

 

Narcissus is right and I know it sounds clichéd, but it really really won't go on forever, I've been through the akathisia your describing although not for as long as you are, but I know how utterly miserable it is. Have you got someone with you during the day?

[Rhiannon]

I'm inclined to say hang on and don't change any doses of anything for a few months. Alto might disagree, but it doesn't look like reducing your citalopram is improving the akathisia right now. If it were me I would try a long hold. And HANG IN THERE! I have been where you are. I know it's horrible and it's so hard just to get through one day, let alone day after day. But it DOES get better if you can just take it one minute, one hour at a time. And I did find walking to be helpful, gentle walking, preferably in a quiet place.

 

I am so, so sorry you are suffering like this. I hate these drugs and what they do to people so much.

[Iggy131313]

If I could go back on the drugs I would in a heartbeat even though I hate them so much, I just dont know how much more I can take of this.....the akathisia seems to happen in waves, I do think its better now than it was in december...well I know it is a little better, but whether thats becasue of time passing or lowering the dose I dont know, but its ramped up again recently, anxiety a little lower, akathisia higher, nightmare...total nightmare

 

I think this all happened after that missed dose and retaking it again, first cam 3 weeks of hallucinations, intrusive thoughts etc etc and now Im back to akathisia and anxiety poinding racing heart etc...

 

Im stuck between a rock and a hard place I really am, the only thing I havnt tried is holding for a while so I guess thats maybe what I should try...although I did try holding for 6 weeks on 2mg and that was AWFUL, worse than I am now...

 

all I can do is hold on and hope and PRAY to god that there comes an end to all this agony, thanks so much to everyone who replied, your words mean alot to me and are in fact keeping me alive

[Iggy131313]

thankyou guys, I have made a small drop today rather than ditch the lot which I was very close to doing I have dropped from 0.48 to 0.40 and am going to hold here for a while and see if it helps any (I did that as now I am on a full syringe of a 1mg syringe)

 

god help me and all who are suffering

[Meimeiquest]

I think that's a good idea....I have done that some and in the end it has not been disastrous. We can never know which route would have been easier. Someone posted a website yesterday for a free website on cognitive behavioral therapy. Llttf.com. While your neurons are reconnecting and rebuilding, you want to build happy, hopeful circuits. Maybe that website could be a help. I don't personally know of any previously "normal" people who were really working on their mental health who didn't come off an antidepressant at least as well as when they started the drug. For many, it has been transformational and a gateway to their grandest life purposes. And very, very hard. I think of people with diseases like progressive MS who would love to just have to suffer for an undetermined amount of time to get their lives back. It is possible that you will need to practice active mental health self-care, but really we all need that.

[Iggy131313]

yes I agree with you on one hand, but on the other hand, who is to say that this is time limited, a friend of mine just saw Dr shipko and he said it was a wideheld falicy online that everyone recovers from this, that scaes me so much, I know some people HAVE recoveredbut I seem to have done veerything wrong and am suffering so so badly.

 

I have looked into cbt and have claire weekes books, but to be honest It doesnt help me very much, maybe if I saw some improvement I could fit cbt into my life better.

 

thankyou so much for posting and supporting me it means alot

[Meimeiquest]

Well, I said normal and really working on it . Lots of people have gone CT, gone through hell, and recovered. When you think catastrophically, you are increasing the chances of the catastrophe.

[Iggy131313]

I ma in serious danger right now, I amworse...maybe its because I dropped from 0.48 to 0.40 3 days ago, I dont knw but im even worse, and I am already a VERY worse case, all I can do is curl up in a ball and pray to die, I am going to hurt myself if I cant find any relief or hope...

 

do you think if I styaed on this 0.40 for some time that my cns may settle down a biy'; I dont know what to do, I dont know how to help myse, my husband wont speak to me, I am alone and desperate...

 

I have waves of terror and dread flooding over me, my eyes are twitching, I dont have the akathisia right now but it doenst oe on tilll later ually, my brathing is laboured I AM confused and disoriented

 

please advise me, please god help me I dont want to die, I dont want to die but unless there is a way to help, a way out I cannot live like this, please alto PLEASE you said on your video you are one of the 6 leading world experts, so please help me Im down on my knees begging you to help me, please Please HELP ME HELP ME

[Iggy131313]

Hi, I dont know the right place to put this....does he belive in long term withdrawal, I know he understands that w/d exsists but from whta I have seen he says that it ends quite quickly?

 

thanks

[elbillingino]

Iggy - keep going, I know it seems almost impossible when you're in the state you're in.

 

I'm probably on the mend, but I was actively wanting to kill myself two days ago when I convinced myself I had a debilitating lifelong but greatly under recognised disease (which unfortunately would not kil me, just leave me in a great deal of lifelong pain and discomfort). A big part of me thinks I still do. It passes slowly - although obviously I know you aren't having any windows at the moment.

 

I also know what you mean about the effects on family - I have been driving my family and friends absolutely mad with the withdrawal stuff, and they have almost all developed acute compassion fatigue.

 

This is understandable in the face of such irrational drug induced behaviour - even if they believe you people can't comprehend how bad it can be - but you WILL be back to your old self. Consensus from everything I've researched and read indicates that with the amount of time you were on the drug compared with some of us, and the fact you've only been on one drug, the chances of you having permanent damage are round about 0.

 

This thread is quite long, but did Alto suggest a faster taper not too long ago?

[Iggy131313]

yes because I seemed to be getting a reaction when I took the drug, but I dont know if I am or not and i dont know how to tell, I always get akathisia around 4.30/5.30 and I ususally take my dose at 3pm, maybe I should try not taking it until later or try earleir and see if it causes the reaction...but now Im getting worse and I dont know if its becasue I dropped 3 days ago or if its becasue its a wave from everything Ive been through/am going through

 

my case is just so severe and I have a child, I cant do this, if I knew what to do and I thought there was hope it would be better but Im grasping around in the dark

[Iggy131313]

ok I have been looking in my diary and I wonder if this could be something I have found...

 

march was a better month for me, but it got worse at the end....

 

on 6th Feb I was on 1.04 - I dropped 3 weeks later to 0.88 - more or less a 10% drop, I stayed at that dose for 4 weeks throughout march and then dropped to 0.76 on the 27th March

 

I wonder if I was doing better in march becasue I had done a much smaller drop and spent longer on the 0.88 - the only reason I stayed longer on the 0.88 was becasue I stopped counting as much, I was feeling ok enough not to be as obsessed...

 

if that is the case then would it be that a longer hold would be better...I dropped to 0.40 from 0.48 3 days ago, should I updose and hold or just continue to hold at this dose?

 

I am also going to write down when I take my dose and when the akathisia starts to see if there is a pattern.

 

maybe this is the way I can tell if the celexa is harming me or hurting me, the only thing I have not tryed is holding becasue my symptoms have been so severe I am desperate to DO SOMETHING to try and help myself...

 

would it be possiblee that holding on this small amount that I could see some improvements in my symptoms? how long should I give it? 3 months? before I make any judgement...

 

also is it dangerous to move the time I take the dose around to try and see if I am having a pattern with the onset of the akathisia?

 

at christmas time I had the akathisia constantly, whether this was becasue 2mg was still too much for me, or whether it was becasue of all the prior changes I dont know, but I did hold at that dose for 5/6 weeks and saw no improvement.

 

I have gradually calmed down a little today and the thought that I could find a little relief by holding has made me feel a tiny bit more optimistic...is it possible it will help? please answer me if you can, in particular Alto and Rhi

 

thanks and sorry and thanks again

[compsports]

Iggy,

 

What is your gut feeling about what you should do? Sorry I am not Alto or Rhi but I think they would say that you need to make a decision and go with it.

 

I have just found in my own life that when I pay attention to my gut feelings, I am never wrong. I know that is easier said than done but you might give it shot and see what your mind is telling you.

 

CS

 

ok I have been looking in my diary and I wonder if this could be something I have found...

 

march was a better month for me, but it got worse at the end....

 

on 6th Feb I was on 1.04 - I dropped 3 weeks later to 0.88 - more or less a 10% drop, I stayed at that dose for 4 weeks throughout march and then dropped to 0.76 on the 27th March

 

I wonder if I was doing better in march becasue I had done a much smaller drop and spent longer on the 0.88 - the only reason I stayed longer on the 0.88 was becasue I stopped counting as much, I was feeling ok enough not to be as obsessed...

 

if that is the case then would it be that a longer hold would be better...I dropped to 0.40 from 0.48 3 days ago, should I updose and hold or just continue to hold at this dose?

 

I am also going to write down when I take my dose and when the akathisia starts to see if there is a pattern.

 

maybe this is the way I can tell if the celexa is harming me or hurting me, the only thing I have not tryed is holding becasue my symptoms have been so severe I am desperate to DO SOMETHING to try and help myself...

 

would it be possiblee that holding on this small amount that I could see some improvements in my symptoms? how long should I give it? 3 months? before I make any judgement...

 

also is it dangerous to move the time I take the dose around to try and see if I am having a pattern with the onset of the akathisia?

 

at christmas time I had the akathisia constantly, whether this was becasue 2mg was still too much for me, or whether it was becasue of all the prior changes I dont know, but I did hold at that dose for 5/6 weeks and saw no improvement.

 

I have gradually calmed down a little today and the thought that I could find a little relief by holding has made me feel a tiny bit more optimistic...is it possible it will help? please answer me if you can, in particular Alto and Rhi

 

thanks and sorry and thanks again

 

[Iggy131313]

my gut feeling is just fear - all I want is to be able to feel better - I am terrified of coming off the drug and im looking for the right way to go...

 

I just wondered if that pattern was telling at all....

 

right now I feel more positive that mmaybe if I hold I could improve, that to me is good becasue instead of seeing years and years of akathisia helll in front of me, I can see a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe there IS something I can do, if I hold perhaps things will settle down

 

and thats what alto told me when I first came on this forum...but I do think the higher doses were too much for me, I had akathisia PERMENTANTLT from July to Feb - then it settled down a little, now its back, I know thats normal but maybe it was reduced because I wasnt making any big changes during that time and my cns was able to start to calm down.

 

I get what our saying CS, and I know I have to make a desicion, but its such an important one, my LIFE depends on it and thats no exageration, my life, my families future, everything rides on what happens next, if I could improve, just a little bit by holding, then maybe I could recover whilst on this small dose, if I could do that I would very happily spend the next 10 years doing the slowest taper of all time, ending on 0.0000000000000000001 of a mg!

 

thanks for replying to me, I really do appriciate it. x

[compsports]

Ok, if you feeling more positive that holding is the way to go, then do it.

 

CS

 

my gut feeling is just fear - all I want is to be able to feel better - I am terrified of coming off the drug and im looking for the right way to go...

 

I just wondered if that pattern was telling at all....

 

right now I feel more positive that mmaybe if I hold I could improve, that to me is good becasue instead of seeing years and years of akathisia helll in front of me, I can see a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe there IS something I can do, if I hold perhaps things will settle down

 

and thats what alto told me when I first came on this forum...but I do think the higher doses were too much for me, I had akathisia PERMENTANTLT from July to Feb - then it settled down a little, now its back, I know thats normal but maybe it was reduced because I wasnt making any big changes during that time and my cns was able to start to calm down.

 

I get what our saying CS, and I know I have to make a desicion, but its such an important one, my LIFE depends on it and thats no exageration, my life, my families future, everything rides on what happens next, if I could improve, just a little bit by holding, then maybe I could recover whilst on this small dose, if I could do that I would very happily spend the next 10 years doing the slowest taper of all time, ending on 0.0000000000000000001 of a mg!

 

thanks for replying to me, I really do appriciate it. x

 

[laurvic]

You give me hope because I understand the desperation. Right now I'm in hell with unwanted intrusive thoughts. I saw the hell you went through worrying if you would survive and you did. I am going through the same feelings because who wants to live in a constant state of mental fear....but you have come so unbelievably far that I applaud you! Just thought you deserved the recognition. I reinstated lexapro at a low dose after being off for a month. Waiting for it to help. Hoping it does!

[Angel7366]

Sending you healing hugs

[Altostrata]

Use search and read his work.

 

He has hinted that withdrawal can be severe and last a long time.

[Nikki]

Iggy on SeroxatMad there was a lovely girl who got off paxil (went thru hell intially) and at the end of her taper (in the lower doses) anything below 5mgs. or even 10mgs., well she went very, very slowly.

 

After she dropped the dose a tiny bit, she would remain there indefinitely. It took a long time but it worked so well for her. She also relied on Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy.

 

Hope this helps.

[Iggy131313]

I am in severe crisis, I cannot PM alto because she has blocled me could someone please pm her and ask her read this and ask for advice...

 

its been 4 days since I dropped from 0.48 to 0.40 and things have got even worse, I am in acute distress, I cannot walk as everytime I try to stand I feel I am going to faint, I have awful akathisia and confusion, I mean this is as severe as things can ossibly get, I feel exactly the same as I did when I went back on the 20mg and had the adverse reaction.

 

I am in severe danger all I can think about is killing myself to stop the pain, I updosed today back to 0.48 I have heard that it takes 4 days to feel a drop, so is thats whats happening to me, was updosing back to 0.48 the right thing to do, should I go any higher/?

 

Im so desperate now I swaer that my life depends on what happens now, my mother has come to be with me from spain and all she can do is cry as I am screaming and rocking and begging her to kill me, alto what should I do, should I updose even more, could I settle on this 0.48 - 0.40 has killed me please help me

 

I am begging anyone who reads this to ask alto for her advice just to send her a pm on my behalf and beg for her to advise me, I know no one can help me an noone can make this go away but i need advise and shes the only one that might know what to do, obviously going down is making me worse, I neefd help I am in severe crisis, can i go up further or will that shock my cns even more, i have updosed back to 0.48 today after 4 days at 0.40 was that the right thing to do, is it possible this may help me?

[compsports]

Iggy,

 

What dose were you at in March when you felt well?

 

What has worked in the past to distract yourself from these feelings even if it was only a short time?

 

CS

 

 

 

I am in severe crisis, I cannot PM alto because she has blocled me could someone please pm her and ask her read this and ask for advice...

 

its been 4 days since I dropped from 0.48 to 0.40 and things have got even worse, I am in acute distress, I cannot walk as everytime I try to stand I feel I am going to faint, I have awful akathisia and confusion, I mean this is as severe as things can ossibly get, I feel exactly the same as I did when I went back on the 20mg and had the adverse reaction.

 

I am in severe danger all I can think about is killing myself to stop the pain, I updosed today back to 0.48 I have heard that it takes 4 days to feel a drop, so is thats whats happening to me, was updosing back to 0.48 the right thing to do, should I go any higher/?

 

Im so desperate now I swaer that my life depends on what happens now, my mother has come to be with me from spain and all she can do is cry as I am screaming and rocking and begging her to kill me, alto what should I do, should I updose even more, could I settle on this 0.48 - 0.40 has killed me please help me

 

I am begging anyone who reads this to ask alto for her advice just to send her a pm on my behalf and beg for her to advise me, I know no one can help me an noone can make this go away but i need advise and shes the only one that might know what to do, obviously going down is making me worse, I neefd help I am in severe crisis, can i go up further or will that shock my cns even more, i have updosed back to 0.48 today after 4 days at 0.40 was that the right thing to do, is it possible this may help me?

 

[Iggy131313]

I was on 0.88 - I am dong everything I can but my system has gone crazy, I have lost control and cannot think straight, I am in the most acute distress and need help, I fear for my life

[compsports]

I was on 0.88 - I am dong everything I can but my system has gone crazy, I have lost control and cannot think straight, I am in the most acute distress and need help, I fear for my life

 

Iggy, you do have control even if your body is betraying you. You have the power to just sit and do nothing until the crisis passes.

 

What is your favorite food?

 

CS

[Iggy131313]

I cant even think about food I am dry heaving and retching all the time, the DP dr is so thick I can hardly see, I feel outside reality, I need help so much, is this the drop? could going up help me? what can help me//.?

[compsports]

I cant even think about food I am dry heaving and retching all the time, the DP dr is so thick I can hardly see, I feel outside reality, I need help so much, is this the drop? could going up help me? what can help me//.?

 

Sorry, not a good question. But what do you care about in life? Beaches, politics, art, music, what?

 

Iggy, I am not a doctor and have no idea what will help you. As I previously mentioned, you have to make the call and go with it. No one on this board can decide that for you.

 

We can give you support, hugs but we're not doctors.

 

CS