Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[antoinette]

Xoxo Iggy.....you will find as I did your son will save your life. As much as I hated the fact I had to go through this when I have kids, if I didn't have them god knows where I would be. I remember alto saying to look at pics and I see myself doing that a lot and it does help me to remember there was a time when I was normal, and you will get there too. I'm glad your feeling somewhat better, any slight feelings of better is huge to us.

Take care Iggy. Xxxx

[Iggy131313]

Hi everyone, its now day 5 or 6 since updosing back to 0.48, it has deffo helped me, Im still in hell and struggling to make it through each day but that imediate danger is gone, my anxiety and sleep has also improved over the past few days.

 

I think this shows that updosing was the right thing to do, but what now? should I updose a little further? and if so when should I do this? should I wait longer and get to a higher dose before I do a long hold or should I just stay on the 0.48?

 

Im still having awful symptoms all day, but Im sleeping well and Im grateful for that small mercy, at least I have 8 hours per night I can escape. I am still very overwhelmed by everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I can hardly walk from one room to another without having a panic attack, my vision is moving all the time like my eyeballs are wobbling around, my inner restlessness and anxiety is bad, but as I said the anxiety is slightly better...and has imporved a little every day since the updose.

 

today I have been confused, overstimulated and overwhelmed, I managed to walk to the local shops but it was awful and I cried all the way, I also had to sit on the floor outside a shop while my mum went in as it was all too overwhelming,

 

I have been able to spent a little time with my son, but only quietly and doing very small things like looking at a book, but even then the aggitation can become quite overwhelming. the evenings are okish, I can mangae to relax sometimes and watch tv, but I am still recovering from the shock of what happened last sunday, both physically and my own emotional state, im even more scared than I was before because that was so so bad, so bad.

 

so how do I know if I should updose even further? it seems that going up has helped, but I dont know if that means that going up a little further would help more, or if I should just stay put?

 

thanks so everything

 

caroline

[Meimeiquest]

I don't know what you should do, but so glad it has helped some. In your heart, what do you think you need?

[Jemima]

Since the updose has helped, I recommend holding for another week or so before re-evaluating the dosage. I'm guessing that you're going to feel a little better every day up to a point. Just keep in mind that reinstatement isn't magic. It may alleviate some of your symptoms, but not all of them.

 

Here's our topic on reinstatement, which might be helpful to you in understanding how it works:

 

About Reinstating

 

Alto's post is the first and the most informative on the subject.

 

And please, please, please don't make a habit of alleviating your discomfort with Valium. It's so easy to become dependent on benzos, and from what I've read here on the forum, withdrawal from benzos is even worse than withdrawal from antidepressants.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you're doing better on the updose. The fact that you can sleep is promising and sleeping soundly should lead to further healing.

[Iggy131313]

I don't know what you should do, but so glad it has helped some. In your heart, what do you think you need?

 

lol, a brain replacement....I dont know to be honest, I will try making no changes at all for another week or so and see where I am then, thanks as always everyone who replied

[Angel7366]

Lol@iggy. Sometimes it's hard to find that inner strength isn't it? I'm having one of those grey days today not helped by a sleepless night. But we must fight this! It's only temporary and we have so much to live for!

 

Hope you have a good day Iggy.

 

Angel

[Iggy131313]

Hi, its been a week since my updose from 0.40 to 0.48 and I need advice as to if I should try and updose any further or stay here for longer?

 

I have had some tiny improvements from updosing but im still in big time hell, inner restlessness constantly,. my brain feels swollen and my head pounds, also it feels like its burning, i feel very very sensitive to all stimuli I have brutal free floating anxiety, my vision is shaking and Im having those feeling of going insane.

 

could this all be still a reaction to the setback of decreasing too fast? dont get me wrong things were really bad before I dropped to 0.40, so im thinking that as things were so bad at 0.48 then I may need to go higher to get any relief?

 

I was at 0.88 in mqarch when I felt better, but again Im not clear on if CHANGES themselves are the issue or the dose, does making any change destabalise things?

[Skyler]

I was at 0.88 in mqarch when I felt better, but again Im not clear on if CHANGES themselves are the issue or the dose, does making any change destabalise things?

Caroline.. sorry to hear you are still struggling. What makes you think the dose itself is the issue as opposed to tapering at a rate faster than you can handle?

[Iggy131313]

I mean that in march I was on 088 and feeling ok, BUT I had ony made 10% drops for 2 months before that and those 2 months were real hell, then march came and I was soooooo much better..hopeful.

 

now is that because I had 3 months of making sall changes..probably.

 

but noww I have tapered way too fast for my cns and also had that missed dose which set me back massivly...

 

so should I make my way back upto 0.88 - would that counteract the too fast taper which I do now see is the big problem here...or would going up destabalise me further?

 

thanks skyler

[Skyler]

Caroline, I can't say it any better than I already have:

 

Stay put. Do not updose or down dose for SIX MONTHS (or until you feel NO symptoms for TWO months.) I think Jemima thought you were taking .48 mgs now. Wherever you are at present, HOLD!!!!!! (And being fixated on tiny tweakers such as the one you are asking about is only fueling your obsessive thoughts. Please... be merciful to yourself. Stop feeding them. Stoking that fire has to be so painful I can only guess.)

 

Knowing it was cutting as opposed to holding that made you worse is a biggy. Now all you need to do is 'listen' to what you just wrote.

All the best to you... I know you are really trying, and actually doing a reasonable taper despite all the messages from the inner voice of yours.

 

Skyler

[Iggy131313]

will holding allow me to heal? should I not get any worse if I continue to hold?

 

Im so desperate for a life, any kind of life, I miss my baby boy so much and my husband once again is shouting at me that Im lucky he hasnt f****ed off as any other man would have...jhe says Im a self absorbed *****, Im not, ust so overwhelmed and ill I can hardly move Im my whole life is falling apart and I dont know what to do, I just want to be well again so badly.

 

I used to be so stronmg, so normal, and now I can hardly walk from one room to another, yesterday I tried to do a comic with my boy but the aggitation was so powerful and my brain felt so swollen that I thought my head might explode with pain, I couldnt do it, I went to lie down and had a major panic attack

[CrazyMom]

Iggy... Please don't change anything. From what you've written, it sounds like you tapered way way too fast and now you're paying for it. I have tapered off one drug and am holding a taper off a benzo (stay away from your Valium) which has taken years! Why? Because I want and NEED to be functional for my daughter who is still young and was a baby at the beginning of this. It sounds like that is very important to you too. I needed the withdrawal to be minimal. You do have a good amount of control over it.

 

Your husband might be scared. You are probably scared, unsure and don't want him to bail on you. If he hasn't already, I really doubt he would... He is probably wishing this was just you being self absorbed... He is not confident in what you're doing because YOU aren't. Not easy but please try to accept the advice you are being given. We have zero reasons to lie to you or deceive you.

 

When people have a disease, the best way to figure out a course of action and coping strategies is to talk to the other patients who are veterans. This is the awesome resource you have here. If you haven't lately, maybe you should read your posts again?

 

I'm so horribly sorry you're going through this. I'm actually tearing up because I know the pain of the withdrawal and how it mixes with the pain of losing the life you had temporarily... Don't mourn that Mummy you were! You are still there, just fighting a brain meltdown right now.

 

Now that I'm at such a tiny dose of the benzo, I am laughing and feel so happy sometimes that I feel my heart ache. I feel a strong love for my husband and daughter not veiled by brain altering drugs. I'm a better mom and wife and a better me than i was.

 

I hope this wasn't preachy sounding. Not meant to be! I am not better than you in any way. Just at a slightly different place on the timeline and different experience.

 

Be kind to yourself,

 

<3

[Iggy131313]

thanks crazymom, the trouble with my situation is that I cold turkeyed last year (16 months ago) then tried to reinstate 5 months off and had a sevre adverse reaction, I had trouble understanding what symptoms I am having from the CT, from the adverse reaction etc and I thought I was still having adverse reactions from the celexa, now I think its pretty obvious that the taper has been too fast and hurting me, my husband has just told me to f off called me a b**** and stormed upstairs because I started crying, I know he hates this, I hate it more.

 

I just want to do what will help me the most, what will help me to heal, if thats staying put then I will do that, but if another tiny updose may help then I would do that, but at this point perhaps staying where I am would be best and trying to heal with the small amount still in there...

 

if I could get to a point where life was worth living I would take 5-10 years coming off this small amount, Im just so scared that my life is over

[lexicon]

Thinking of you sweet Iggy ..

Praying that you will get peace and healing soon

Sending you love, and blessings ..xx

Lexi

[Jemima]

It's probably best to hold right where you are.  Any updosing is risky not only because it would likely be destabilizing, but because you're so very sensitive to the drug.  A tiny updose might not hurt someone who hasn't had such a bad reaction to reinstatement, but in your case, it doesn't seem like a good idea.  You've hung on for one week; let's see how you're doing in another week.

 

You can do this, and you *will* get better.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou jemima, im trying so hard

[Iggy131313]

has my journal been removed? i cant find it

[Iggy131313]

oh it has, its gone, oh no,. did I do something wrong?

[Petunia]

Hi Iggy,

Mine has disappeared too

[Angel7366]

I read this on my mobile and the format seems to have changed. Mine has gone too so I think it must be a technical error.

[Iggy131313]

oh ok, I hope they come back soon, thanks for letting me know, the format changed last night but my jounal and yours too were stilll there

[Iggy131313]

ok this is post for my journal when it comes back online...

 

today is day 9 of the updose and 9 days since taking the valium, today I feel stronger and a little more optimistic, im trying not to look at 'horror' stories and feed myself with positive stories of recovery....im REALLY hoping that now I know whats causing what (not adverse reaction to this small amount, too aggressive cuts alongside the CT 16 months ago and the adverse reaction 11 months ago) im going to be able to do what my body needs, HOLD no changes in anything, 

 

Im trying to keep in mind that in january I had no hope pf feeling any better, I was beyond suicidal (a bit like now) and by march I was feeling healing, stabilising and optimistic. if that can happen once surely it can happen again? and this time I have to maintain that progress instead of f*****ing it up for myself.

 

i agree that the valium is bad for me too, looking at my journal it makes things bad (worse) for a good week or 2 after taking it, it may help to squash some of the inner restlessness for a few days but it causes other symptoms so thats not a good trade off.

 

Im really really hoping that this feeling of more strength will stay with me for a while. and that I wont get worse now I know what to do, honestly I will take as many years as it takes to come off this 0.48 - I can just titrate the celexa in more liquid and reduce at less than 0.01 per month, or longer, also I would go right down to 0.0000000000000000000001 before I came off, just PLEASE let my system heal, Im young, and I have so much to live for, my baby needs me, my husband needs me, my parents need me, I NEED ME!

 

I have also been taking the dose at the same time every day, before I owuld take it anytime between 2pm and 9pm, trying to see if i could detect a pattern to the symptoms and if they were caused by the drug or not, but looking back, if I was having a bad adverse reaction to the celexa still then I wouldnt have had a much better window in march would I? am I right on that?

 

so today I muster up the courage to carry on, today I once again try to pretend that the past year hasnt happened and this is day one and I have to be brave..i will try to be anyway. and everyone else be brave too, we will survive this, together.

[Nikki]

Iggy one of my threads was missing and I contacted Alto.....it was reinstated and it was due to the update of the software.  Gliches happen Software like AD's have a mind of their own.

 

Can you just stay put for  good amount of time.  It does help heal and calm us down for the most part.  I am talking....a few months.

I've had to do that and it was helpful.

 

Easy does it ~ One day at a time.....no rush.....throw out the calendar.

Reinstating and updosing can provide alot of relief, the trick is if you feel better = stay there

 

Take care and lots of hugs

[Iggy131313]

could a mod please find my journal? I hope I can get it back, there were a few inspirational messages on there that I found it comforting to read, (over and over and over and over and over etc)

 

also petus and angels haev gone!!

 

thabks so much

 

caroline

[Meimeiquest]

Your son is beyond adorable! You have a lot to fight for!

[Skyler]

Caroline... your son is absolutely prescious!!  Did you pick out that amazing hat?

 

Skyler

[Rhiannon]

I'm with Skyler and Mom and Jemima in the "just don't do anything for a while" camp.

 

I think I posted about this in somebody else's thread last night. Sometimes we just get to the point where things are so screwed up the best thing to do is allow the healing that needs to happen, no matter how bad we feel.

 

It seems to happen to everyone sooner or later if they go up and down on doses, do rapid tapers and CTs, rapid reinstatements, drug changes, etc. You introduce so much biochemical chaos into your brain that you overwhelm its ability to adapt--which is never a fast process at best anyway.

 

At this point there are just no magic bullets left, pretty much anything people do seems to just destabilize them more.

 

I have found that over the long term (and as you know, my journey is definitely long term) the one and only truly reliable "fix" is patience and time. Support your CNS, get advice and help in how to deal with the symptoms, be good to yourself, and hang in there. Things WILL get better if you give your brain a chance to heal itself and settle down.

 

Them's my thoughts.

[Iggy131313]

pick it out syler? I made the thing!!

[Iggy131313]

thanks memi

[Iggy131313]

thanks so much rhi, even after holding and taking no valium I am feeling better, after just 10 days, is that a good sign? dont get me wrong, things are bad, very bad, but they have been alot worse.

 

im not writhing around screaming and moaning, I am able to semi function and my anhedonia left 6 months ago so that helps...

 

can 0.48 poop out? can I stay on it indefinitly or could it turn on me later down the line?

[flower]

^{Iggy,I too thought the celexa would turn on me after a while holding. I would make drastic cuts. Then it would get worse. It's been so hard to hold since Dec. Thanks to the folks here encouraging me I made it this far. Now I deal with another drug but I will hold now as long as it takes. You should too. Good luck ladybug. I think my hubby gets fed up now again but he'll get over it.}

[Iggy131313]

thanks flower, are you improveing as you are holding?

[Rhiannon]

pick it out syler? I made the thing!!

LOL very cute.

 

Hang in there hon! Every day that passes is one more day of healing.

[Rhiannon]

thanks so much rhi, even after holding and taking no valium I am feeling better, after just 10 days, is that a good sign? dont get me wrong, things are bad, very bad, but they have been alot worse.

 

im not writhing around screaming and moaning, I am able to semi function and my anhedonia left 6 months ago so that helps...

 

can 0.48 poop out? can I stay on it indefinitly or could it turn on me later down the line?

yes, feeling better after just 10 days is a very good sign. But don't assume if you take a turn for the worse that the good sign is cancelled out. Ups and downs (windows and waves as we call them here) are typical, normal parts of withdrawal and recovery, and are to be expected. 

 

Please try to hang in and not change anything for a while.  A couple of months at least, if possible.

[Iggy131313]

rhi, you are so kind and sweet, Im so glad your posting quite alot at the moment, you have a way of making me feel safer, thankyou for posting on my thread, I read your words over and over and take comfort fro them.

 

so, thanks. xxxxx

[Iggy131313]

well after quite a good day yesterday with a few hours of awful dizzyness I was quite pleased with myself, went to the shops and attended my nefphews birthday party, I was quite optimistic, then at 8pm akathisia started and never stopped, I couldnt stay still in bed I tried crying, I had a bath at 4am, I paced the house, it was awful...its now 9am and its still here, will the akathisia go away? please someone tell me this is going to go away.