Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[Iggy131313]

I know your not but I just wondered if going up would help me, i dont know what to do, thNKS FOR TRYING TO HELP soory ddindt mean to shout

[compsports]

I know your not but I just wondered if going up would help me, i dont know what to do, thNKS FOR TRYING TO HELP soory ddindt mean to shout

 

Iggy,

 

Make a decision to do something. If it feels wrong the next day, do something else. Normally, I wouldn't give this advice because I think you have to give your body time to adjust to a dose increase or decrease. But I think in your case, you need to feel like nothing is etched in stone.

 

You're fine, you didn't shout.

 

CS

[strawberry17]

Iggy I'm so glad your mum is with you, what about your husband, he must have observed you every step of the way does he have any thoughts on what you should do dosage wise? Maybe the up dose to 0.48 was the right thing to do and maybe you will have to go down by teeny teeny tiny minute amounts.

[antoinette]

When I was having my adverse reaction, I felt the same when I went back on. For me, I got the hell off that crap after a month. As each day was passing I was getting worse and there was no way in hell I could of stayed on. I'm not an expert by any means, but don't you guys think sometimes staying on this crap and slowly tapering is making it worse?? It was like my body was rejecting it and freaking out. I would be in the same boat as Iggy now if I would of stayed on.

[Iggy131313]

noone knows what I should do, things have got worse ALOT worse after going to 0.40, I feel the same as I did when I had the adverse reaction and when I missed that dose,

 

all I want is some relief, I dont cre what I have to do, I just need some life, I am being ortured in a sevee way and cannot live for much longer like this

[compsports]

When I was having my adverse reaction, I felt the same when I went back on. For me, I got the hell off that crap after a month. As each day was passing I was getting worse and there was no way in hell I could of stayed on. I'm not an expert by any means, but don't you guys think sometimes staying on this crap and slowly tapering is making it worse?? It was like my body was rejecting it and freaking out. I would be in the same boat as Iggy now if I would of stayed on.

 

Antoinette, that is exactly what I did with Doxepin, my last med. I was at 3mg and my sleep seemed slightly better when I did an experiment and went without the drug. I jumped off and didn't look back. It turns out I had undiagnosed apnea which is a whole other post.

 

Totally agree with you.

 

CS

[Iggy131313]

did anyone pmpm alto for me?

[antoinette]

I know Iggy, I know thats all you want.

[compsports]

did anyone pmpm alto for me?

 

Iggy,

 

I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't. Alto's wishes need to be respected in my opinion and my contacting her would be overriding those. But I respect other people who may have have a different opinion.

 

And if you go back and reread her posts to you before she probably blocked you, she has provided some very valuable information.

 

I know you're in crisis big time but right now, the issue you need to make a decision no matter what it is about the dose of your meds. No one else can do that for you.

 

CS

[Skyler]

noone knows what I should do, things have got worse ALOT worse after going to 0.40, I feel the same as I did when I had the adverse reaction and when I missed that dose,

 

all I want is some relief, I dont cre what I have to do, I just need some life, I am being ortured in a sevee way and cannot live for much longer like this

Hi Iggy... Given what you have said over these many months, I'd plan on holding for at least 6 months or however long it takes to feel better. Then, wait until ALL WD symptoms have abated for at least two months, and try a slow taper from there. And if you are still symptomatic, forget about tapering all together. Not everyone is best off tapering, and as you well know, there is no magic bullet. IMHO, there is a very high probability all the symptoms you feel are because of WD, and not related to side effects or an allergic response.

 

Posting repeated questions that at best elicit very minor tweak suggestions you have heard before keeps you fixated on symptoms. Caroline, stop obsessing about this. Your functional ability before all of this WD crapola hit was very good. I can't help but think the biggest inroads are because you keep ruminating. My guess is you had a propensity to obsess before all this started, but kept it is check. Then, once the WD dragon came into play, you lost your grip and it's been off to the races ever since.

 

You are the only one who can get off the train. Neither Alto's sage advice, nor suggestions from forum members can do this for you. You alone have the power. Take your life back!

 

Skyler

[Skyler]

PS... Obsessing is self-perpetuating, It just continues because it continues, feeding upon it self..It's exceedingly destructive if not stopped.

 

Caroline, please be good to yourself.

[Jemima]

Iggy,

 

The best thing you can do right now is stay on your slight updose at .48 and wait for at least four full days before changing the dose again. Otherwise, do what you can to distract yourself from the symptoms - read, play computer games, et cetera. I'm certain that this is exactly the advice you'd get from Alto. There are no cures for withdrawal symptoms that any of us on this forum know. (I will not be PM-ing Alto. There is nothing she can do to make you feel better immediately and I'm not going to go against her wishes by asking her to contact you.)

[Jemima]

When I was having my adverse reaction, I felt the same when I went back on. For me, I got the hell off that crap after a month. As each day was passing I was getting worse and there was no way in hell I could of stayed on. I'm not an expert by any means, but don't you guys think sometimes staying on this crap and slowly tapering is making it worse?? It was like my body was rejecting it and freaking out. I would be in the same boat as Iggy now if I would of stayed on.

 

Sometimes getting off an AD quickly is the best thing for a person, especially those who have an allergic reaction, but I believe those cases are rare. The problem is that we don't know who is going to suffer severe withdrawal from getting off too quickly and who won't. The safest thing to do is taper slowly rather than risk damage to the CNS that takes months to years to heal.

[Iggy131313]

ok thankyou for the advize and Im sorry about asking for someone to ask alto, somtimes I think shes my only hope, shes the only one I trust to know what she is talking about.

 

I am going to stay on this updose for 4 days and see how I am, I would rather not updose again, if I can find some small relief from that then I will say on the 0.48 indefinitley...if there was a way I could RI then I would

 

re the obsessing its true I do, but this particular episode was really not that, my mum was here and I was taking my mind off withdrawal as much as possible but today was beyond endurence, I cant describe how horrific it was, a couple of hours ago my mum made me take a valium as I was too hysterical and not making any sense and screaming in agony, it has calmed me down a little but now I feel awful about taking it...

 

the thing is, in march, I was obsessing but I started to feel better, it was not a thought provocing thing, but now, all I can say is that I wish I were dead, I wish to god I had never been born, this is out of this world suffering, I was pacing round the house screaming and wailing and crying and begging, trying to lay down rocking and shaking, not understanding things, DR so bad that everything around me was terrifying...

 

with it being 4 days from the drop and I have seen alto say that it takes 4 days for the new level of med to register in the blood stream it seemed to make sense to me that it could be the reason for such a sevre reaction...

 

I only hope that updosing will help, I dont know how far I should updose or how long I should give the updose before making any desision on updosing further...I certainly wont be making any drops, not until I feel alot better than this.

 

my life is still in danger, no body could possibly live like I am, its not possible, the symptoms are so severe and so all consuming that distraction is not an option, I have tried to distract myself but i get so overwhelmed that all I can do is retreat to the bedroom and scream and wail, im not being dramatic, im not exagerating...it is that dramatic and anyone feeling what I am would be reacting the same...I am a strong person but this is beyond all human endurance, I wish there was a way I could get back on the med and it would help me but I doubt thats going to happen, but if I could just not be screaming and unable to even look at my son (who has had to go away for a few days as Im just too sick for him to be here) and then try and stabalise from there..but I dont know how to do it.

 

thanks so much for your replys, please pray for me

[Iggy131313]

oh and skyler, how I wish I could take my life back, you have no idea how many times I have tried, but my life is destroyed, I have tried so so hard, but how to reclaim your life with akathisia? how to reclaim your life with confusion to the point that you are slurring your words and forgeting who the hell you are...

 

Im march, I started to claim my life back, because the symptoms were less, they wer still there, but I felt able to start being more positive, I was even talking about going back to work, I was overjoyed at the thought, I thought my life was starting to gel back together, I still had symptoms, symptoms that most people would be crippled by, but they were less for me, I was able to go to birthday parties with my son, take him out to places, feel happy and sometimes relaxed...now that is gone, I am in constant agony, mental torture and physical with the akathisia, if I could just get to a point that life was livable at all then I would grab my life with both hands, its just that as things are right now, thats not an option as much as I wish it was..

 

but as always I am so grateful for your input, it made me feel happy when you wrote to stay on the dose for at least 6 months and not make any canges until I felt no withdrawal at all...the thought that I may one day not feel those symptoms, I dont care if I am on or off the drug I just need some relief, otherwise I know I cannot cope like this, I will have to end my life but I desperatly do not want to do this. I need to live for my son

[Georgia]

If you look back at your previous posts, you'll see that you posted about taking a valium 4 or 5 days ago. Right around the same time that you changed your ssri dosage by a tiny fraction. I don't know what dose of valium you took, or what its half-life is, how often you take valium or any other drug, or whether this has anything to do with exacerbation of your symptoms. That is for you to think about and figure out. Please don't think I'm offering any suggestions about this. It's just an observation, not advice.

 

I do recall that someone on another site was dropping ssri dosage by the tiniest possible reductions, and blaming all her miserable "withdrawal symptoms" on the dose reduction. She had terrible symptoms and was almost completely unable to sleep. However, when she stopped taking magnesium, her symptoms went away. For some reason, she wasn't looking at what other factors might be contributing to her symptoms, even though she had been suffering for a long time. She dropped the magnesium for a different reason, diarrhea, I think.

[Altostrata]

I didn't block you, Iggy, I asked you to stop sending me personal messages. I do not appreciate your recruiting others to send pms on your behalf.

 

We have repeatedly urged you to make changes in a very controlled way. It's up to you to do this, no one, including me, can do it for you.

 

Jemima and Skyler have given you excellent advice. Georgia is correct, your current symptoms may be related to the Valium -- most likely rebound anxiety. Valium has a very long half-life. You are hypersensitive to it.

 

No matter how many times you ask me or pm me, there's nothing more I can tell you. I hope you don't mind if I turn my attention to other people who are having a difficult time.

[Skyler]

Im march, I started to claim my life back, because the symptoms were less, they wer still there, but I felt able to start being more positive, I was even talking about going back to work, I was overjoyed at the thought, I thought my life was starting to gel back together, I still had symptoms, symptoms that most people would be crippled by, but they were less for me, I was able to go to birthday parties with my son, take him out to places, feel happy and sometimes relaxed...now that is gone, I am in constant agony, mental torture and physical with the akathisia, if I could just get to a point that life was livable at all then I would grab my life with both hands, its just that as things are right now, thats not an option as much as I wish it was..

It would be interesting to know by what amounts you were tapering in March. Or if other variables may have come into play (see Georgia and Alto’s excellent posts on diazepam below).

 

Do you keep a journal that will let you look at up and down doses you made? You need to be able to track dose changes in isolation… your symptom descriptions are kind of florid and it would be difficult to follow if your notes are in narrative form.

 

I held for 3 months before, with a prod from Alto, I realized the problem fueling my WD difficulties (tinnitus, longg and wayy too loud) was keeping the liquid suspensions too long. Alto had recommended going no longer than 2 or 3 days.. and yours truly had decided to improve on this and hold for 1/3 longer than the maximum recommended. DISASTER… and I thought the problem was because of tapering. NOT SO! Thing is, the real cause would not have been identified had I not held.

 

Then I had to start over with the long hold… and after another 3 months things were indeed looking much better. Then I broke my right wrist… and the bone was kind of grinding inside the cast (it actually was.. not in my imagination). This gave me the willies… eeeeek. So I took pain medication, which of course reignited my WD symptom, which is tinnitus. Back to the drawing board for me. WD wise, things are once again looking up. Maybe another month or two and I can start, at long last, to taper again. And that’ with no cuts since last August or September. But now sanity rules!

 

And this does not even begin to cover all the small issues.. I take a dose QID.. so a syringe that rolls unnoticed off my night table in the wee hours, or accidentally leaving the suspension out for 8 hours or so, and being too lazy to remix… there are a myriad of small things that can cause an uptick. And Flower has had a real go because she was heavy into diet soda.. aspartame. I really don’t know she would ever have identified the true cause of her WD symptoms had she not held.

 

If you look back at your previous posts, you'll see that you posted about taking a valium 4 or 5 days ago. Right around the same time that you changed your ssri dosage by a tiny fraction. I don't know what dose of valium you took, or what its half-life is, how often you take valium or any other drug, or whether this has anything to do with exacerbation of your symptoms. That is for you to think about and figure out. Please don't think I'm offering any suggestions about this. It's just an observation, not advice.

 

I do recall that someone on another site was dropping ssri dosage by the tiniest possible reductions, and blaming all her miserable "withdrawal symptoms" on the dose reduction. She had terrible symptoms and was almost completely unable to sleep. However, when she stopped taking magnesium, her symptoms went away. For some reason, she wasn't looking at what other factors might be contributing to her symptoms, even though she had been suffering for a long time. She dropped the magnesium for a different reason, diarrhea, I think.

 

Jemima and Skyler have given you excellent advice. Georgia is correct, your current symptoms may be related to the Valium -- most likely rebound anxiety. Valium has a very long half-life. You are hypersensitive to it.

Wow… Georgia’s narrative of what happened with the SSRI.. thinking tiny tiny drops were the cause of increased WD symptoms.. that is sooo what happened to me, only as stated, it was the liquid suspension deteriorating.

My whole current fiasco with Lyrica, Valium and tinnitus was because I was wily nily jerking the dose around.. just as you unwittingly did by taking a prn diazepam. I would guess that was the problem.. or at any rate contributed.

Caroline.. again, hold where you are. Don’t change… for months and months. So much you forget to wonder when to take a cut. Just keep on stating put.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou everyone for your advice, I know there are no quick fixes but I just want to know what is the best course of aciton,,

 

so if I can recover or be healing with a small amount of celexa n my system would it be ok to styay on 0.48 and sty there for 6 months or momre, or would it be better to work my way up further?

 

my mum has promised she wont leave me until I am a little better, even if she has to stay for months and months.

 

Im so sorry that I ask for so much advose and support, Im just so desperate and I wish I could communicate to yiou how severe things are.

 

I apologose alto for asking people to pm you, desperation took over and your the only person I could think to tun to, you know so much.

 

I will track the valium thing, but looking at my diary although I know it can give me some depression for a few days after, this was something else, I will however try to limi the use, but sometimes when Im self harming very badly its the only thing that can stop me....

 

I know I have to make a desicion for myself, but of course I want to do whats going to make me feel better but I dont know what that is....maybe stay on this exact dose (0.48) for 6 months and see if things can settle down, although if anyone thinks it would be better to go further up I would be grateful for any advise,

 

God help all of you who are suffering, and God help me too

[Skyler]

I know I have to make a desicion for myself, but of course I want to do whats going to make me feel better but I dont know what that is....maybe stay on this exact dose (0.48) for 6 months and see if things can settle down, although if anyone thinks it would be better to go further up I would be grateful for any advise.

Caroline all I can tell you is that's what worked for me. Btw.. did you see my post above, I pretty much posted at the same time as your last.

 

Hey... great to hear about your Mother. Sounds like a real big help. Glad she is in your corner.

 

Again,

Skyler... who is once again fading back into the virtual 'woodwork'.

[Iggy131313]

skyler, do you mean with your liquid this....I wonder if I haev done something here...

 

over the past few weeks, I have been making my liquid 5ml water and 1 drop citalopram in a glass, I then take 1ml dose out of that, I cover the glass in foil and take my dose out of that for the next 3 days....could this be bad, could the drug evaporate or something?

 

yes in march, well before that even...I was at 1.04 in jan then I made drop to 0.88 (so near the 10%) and I stayed there for 4/5 weeks, that was march, no valium,but mainly because I was feeling so much better

 

Skyler you have always been very kind and gentle with me, I thankyou so much for that, I know Im annoying, but really Im just desperate and scraed. thankyou skyler your a very kind lady and it helps me to hear you being so reasuuraing and kind to me

[Skyler]

skyler, do you mean with your liquid this....I wonder if I haev done something here...

 

over the past few weeks, I have been making my liquid 5ml water and 1 drop citalopram in a glass, I then take 1ml dose out of that, I cover the glass in foil and take my dose out of that for the next 3 days....could this be bad, could the drug evaporate or something?

 

yes in march, well before that even...I was at 1.04 in jan then I made drop to 0.88 (so near the 10%) and I stayed there for 4/5 weeks, that was march, no valium,but mainly because I was feeling so much better

 

Skyler you have always been very kind and gentle with me, I thank you so much for that, I know Im annoying, but really Im just desperate and scraed. thankyou skyler your a very kind lady and it helps me to hear you being so reasuuraing and kind to me

 

Thanks for the feedback ... that makes my day.

 

If the suspension lasts for 3 days, only draw one day and throw the rest out, or maybe only two days, then toss? I was keeping mine for, AHEM... FIVE days. Big mistake. I don't know how stable Celexa is in suspension.. but it would not hurt to be extra cautious.. what do you think. Anyone else chime in here?

 

S.

[Iggy131313]

how do I know how long the suspention lasts? and as Im just covering a glass in foil I wonder if thats worse tham using a bottle or something, Im not sure about the valium, I keep a graph and rate eah day, I also write my symptoms that day and put any changes and things like my period...there deosnt seem to be a pattern wth the valium and getting worse after.

 

I will hold, on 0.48 for months and months, as if I am drug free. my mum agrees this is what I should do

[Skyler]

yes in march, well before that even...I was at 1.04 in jan then I made drop to 0.88 (so near the 10%) and I stayed there for 4/5 weeks, that was march, no valium,but mainly because I was feeling so much better.

And Caroline... your CUT HOW MUCH?? That was wayy too fast. Undoubtedly the reason you felt so miserable.. that much of a drop would have made me crazy!!!!!! With your hyper alerted nervous system? Yeowzers........ And for God's merciful sake.. why are you still trying to cut?? Oh my goodness... huge sigh.

 

And if you had not cut, from when you started to feel so good, you would feel better yet... sounds like the cuts themselves were the culprit.

 

So, don't worry about how you prepare... and, ahem... you are rethinking and focusing too much on this. Tell those hyper alert checking type thoughts to chill!

[Iggy131313]

but that raiases the question of how much to updose, do I updose just back to the 0.48 or do I updose further? or should I just stick to the 0.48...sigh

 

I was cutting because I thought it was the drug making me wors,e I now know it was not

[Skyler]

but that raiases the question of how much to updose, do I updose just back to the 0.48 or do I updose further? or should I just stick to the 0.48...sigh

 

I was cutting because I thought it was the drug making me wors,e I now know it was not

Stay put. Do not updose or down dose for SIX MONTHS (or until you feel NO symptoms for TWO months.) I think Jemima thought you were taking .48 mgs now. Wherever you are at present, HOLD!!!!!! (And being fixated on tiny tweakers such as the one you are asking about is only fueling your obsessive thoughts. Please... be merciful to yourself. Stop feeding them. Stoking that fire has to be so painful I can only guess.)

 

Knowing it was cutting as opposed to holding that made you worse is a biggy. Now all you need to do is 'listen' to what you just wrote.

[Skyler]

Errr, Caroline. If you felt better at

Things have got worse ALOT worse after going to 0.40.

I had not followed Jemima's advice carefully enough, and it's a good call. But don't second guess yourself once you do that, K? I did not mean to countermand her... sigh, it's not so easy taking on that critical voice of yours. Gets me kind of tuckered, and I can only guess what it's like for you to deal with it.

 

S.

[Iggy131313]

ok, yes I updoseed back to 0.48 today after the torture ramped up from an 8/10 to a 100/10...

 

I will stay on 0.48, made fresh everyday at the same time vereyday...

 

I will report back in a month or 2 and see where Im at, at least I have a plan now, thankyou

[basildev]

I held for 3 months before, with a prod from Alto, I realized the problem fueling my WD difficulties (tinnitus, longg and wayy too loud) was keeping the liquid suspensions too long. Alto had recommended going no longer than 2 or 3 days.. and yours truly had decided to improve on this and hold for 1/3 longer than the maximum recommended. DISASTER… and I thought the problem was because of tapering. NOT SO! Thing is, the real cause would not have been identified had I not held.

 

Then I had to start over with the long hold… and after another 3 months things were indeed looking much better. Then I broke my right wrist… and the bone was kind of grinding inside the cast (it actually was.. not in my imagination). This gave me the willies… eeeeek. So I took pain medication, which of course reignited my WD symptom, which is tinnitus. Back to the drawing board for me. WD wise, things are once again looking up. Maybe another month or two and I can start, at long last, to taper again. And that’ with no cuts since last August or September. But now sanity rules!

Skyler is spot on with her advice Iggy - even the slightest change in anything can set off or exacerbate withdrawal. The valium may be making things worse. It sends me troppo.

[Iggy131313]

ok day 2 on the updose, I had much more anxiety this morning, reminds me again of the adverse reaction, but so far its not as bad as yesterday, Im not acing and screaming anyway and no so overstimulated that moving from one room into another gives me a panic attack...

 

this morning I woke at 7.30 with uber anxiety, I tried to force myself back to sleep and managed to dose but with strong spikes of anxiety pushing through and waking me up...iys now nearly 12 and the anxiety has calmed a little bit, I think that updosing was the right thing to do and I am certaily going to take the advice given and make no changes at all...

 

Is it possible for me to heal totally with this small amount in my system? I guess alto would say ''while you are stabilising on that small amount, your nervous system is recovering'' so Ill go with that.

 

so Im holding, I also wonder if because I chnged the time of my dose to 10.30am from 2pm if that has anything to do with the morning anxiety, maybe the small dose is washing out of my system, but anyway I know I dont need to over analyse that, its hard though.

 

so today Im going to try and remain positive that holding will help me, its only 2 days since the updose and I know that it wont be fully in my bloodstream until 4 days, but I do think its already made a tiny differnece, either that or yesterdays valium is still depressing my system a little, I hope its the updose.

 

today I plan to try to take my mind off worrying about it, (hahahaha) I must say Im so glad I have a plan now, hold...and see if I improve..before I had so much to fear with the taper and coming off, now I have decided to hold and stay there for as long as it takes, I wont listen to the people telling me I dont start to heal until all meds are out of my system, as that doesnt make any sense to me anyway...

 

and then, If I manage to get to a point where I feel well, totally well then I will consider a slow taper from the 0.48 but Im talking about a 5 year taper or something..

 

so I am now going to live as if I am drug free and my healing and recovery starts today, no changes, not in the time I take it, not in the mixing of the liquid, not in the dose and I will pray that this will help me...although I do wonder if I should go up further lol, how would I know if that could help me? but I guess again thats not for now, but to think about later

 

I will also try to hold off taking any valium, in a way Im glad I had one yesterday, it really was nessescary, but I will try very very hard not to have one at east for a month or as long as I can.

 

thanks again everyon for your advice, its just what I needed to hear, and its also given me hope that maybe in a few months I can start to have some semblance of a life again, it would be so wonderful.

[Petunia]

Hi Iggy,

 

I've read through your thread and been following yours posts since I joined, on another site too. Haven't posted on your thread before because I just haven't known what to write. But I admire your strength and courage to keep going, in spite of how difficult its been. You have given me inspiration because I relate closely to how you have been feeling.

 

Now that you have a solid plan and your Mum is staying with you, I think you have a good chance of starting to feel better because you will have more support with taking care of your son and the cooking and cleaning.

 

Thank you for posting here, I really mean that, you have given me strength to get through some very difficult periods.

 

I was actually born in the UK.

 

Take some time to relax and take care of yourself, now that you can, and stick to your plan for as long as it takes. I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Petu.

[Angel7366]

Hi Iggy

 

It's wonderful to hear you sounding more positive.

 

I truly believe that part of your problem has been not allowing yourself to stabilise fully on any one dose before zooming onto the next cut so the withdrawal symptoms are accumulating all the time and you are not getting any relief.

 

I think you have to listen to your body, be patient. The w/ds can be horrendous at times especially in the first couple of weeks. Believe me if you look at my moaning posts and my desperation for reassurance, you will see that I have been there too. I have also been having, like you, suicidal ideations but the thought of my husband and children have been keeping me going. I have thought my w/ds must be the worst ever and not normal and no one except me has experienced anything like them and I am never going to stabilise!

 

Well I am now 3 weeks into my reinstatement. Times have been very very tough and I almost have given into reducing further in a bid to alleviate symptoms. But I didn't. And it wouldn't have got rid of symptoms. I would have been destabilised further and had even more accumulative symptoms I think.

 

Today I honestly am feeling so much better than I was. Not perfect but am having a near normal day. In fact I am catching a flight later today and am fine about it. Something I couldn't have thought of a week ago or even 3 days ago.

 

It is going to take a while for stabilisation to happen, and no doubt a few more bad times to come, and I am going to stay on for at least a few months before I even consider dropping.

 

As the good people on here have been saying - hold till you are stable, ride the nasty waves ( very important), be patient and give it time. Don't rush to change your dose if you can't handle the symptoms. It won't help!

 

You can do this Iggy!

[Nikki]

Iggy I don't know how to advise people to updose, but I think you may have needed to do this to try and regroup.

 

Having your Mum is a great idea. There are lots of people who have taken years to taper to keep their symptoms to a minimum.

 

Have a wonderful day and lots of hugs

[Iggy131313]

thanks guys, Petu, I am touched at your words, hang in there bravely

[antoinette]

Iggy I'm so glad your feeling better. Jemima, I agree, my reaction was so bad that I couldn't continue and I'm sure that has really messed me up. I can only imagine how I would feel if I still was on it. I swear it was like taking acid every day. Iggy, my full year being off is in June I'm healed about 60% and you will get there too. It has been the biggest hell and I know just how you feel. How we ever get through this I have no idea. I promise you life will be so much sweeter and you will enjoy the most simple things after this torture. Keep hanging on Iggy we are all rooting for you. I can't wait to hear the day you are on here saying you are recovered. Xxxx

[Iggy131313]

I shouild have stopped as soon as I had the reaction, in fact I DID, but my parents and my Dr said I had to continue so I did, I regret it very much, but now its been nearly a year (11 months) back on the ''med'' Im having w/d from it, no doubt now...at least that is clear to me now,

 

I try to tellmyself that because I felt like as you said ant, 60% well in march I AM capable of feeling better, I just really messed it all up for myself.

 

all I can do now try...I went to the shop today and it was a hrror, so sad that Im not capable of even going to a shop, i was so confused, aggitated, I had a full blown panic attack, dizzy, weak and out of it, very bad, but not like yesterday, I hope that means I did the right thing in the updose.

 

skyler, jemmima, comsprts, alto, ant, and everyoone who advised and supported me through yesterday I thankyou, and also Brandy who contacted me privatly, you saved a life and have given me hope that if I just hold and make no changes that I might start to heal, even with this small amount still in my system..

 

right now im bad, I have the inner restlessness and aggitation, Im scared and have free floating anxiety, but my god, its not like yesterday and I pray to god that I never have to have another day like yesterday, maybe there will be some but hpefully if I hold steady I will start to see some improvemnts over the next few months, Im not foolish enough to think that I will be better or anything, but I was in hell in january, and then by march I felt 60% so it is possible, I keep reminding myself of this.

 

I was able to spend a little time with my baby boy today, just laying on the sofa and looking at some photos with him, when I try to move around the house I get overstimulated but at least I had that small moment. thats all I have to live for, all I have to hang onto.

 

yesteray my husband was holding me, when he let go I continued to howl and scream rocking back and forth with tears splashing everywhere and was biting my hands which were clasped together twitching...yesterday goes straight into the collection of moments that will haunt me forever, I have about 9 moments that disturb me, even when Im feeling ok, and yesterday ranks about 2 of the top 10 worst moments of this year I have been in withdrawal..

 

I cant belive its been a year (minus 1 month) how I have survived god only knows, all I have to do now is try to survive another year, and see if I am more stable.

 

my mum wont leave me, she has promised that she will not go until I am more stable and am able to function without her, and my husband doesnt mind how long she stays, he doesnt know how to cope with me and it helps him too, also my mum is cooking and cleanng etc so I dont have to worry about it and it stops my hubby getting cross with me about not doing it.

 

in march when I felt well, I cleared out cupboards that have needed doing for years, I painted the living room, I went to kids parties, I made posh dinners, I was not symptom free by any means, but I was able to cope with the symptoms because there was sonme light and shade in my life, instead of just unrelenting hell, thats what I want to get back.

 

anyway just rambling and needing to get out how I feel. love you guys, you have been most patient and kind