Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[Iggy131313]

please please please help me, PLEASE PLEASE

 

I just want an opinion on what caused that sudden unbelievable wave of acute hell and what I should do from here, please, its not asking too much, I just need some guidence

[compsports]

please please please help me, PLEASE PLEASE

 

I just want an opinion on what caused that sudden unbelievable wave of acute hell and what I should do from here, please, its not asking too much, I just need some guidence

 

Hi Iggy,

 

First of all, I am so sorry you are suffering. Unfortunately, with psych med withdrawal, symptoms can hit you out of the blue with no rhyme or reason as part of your system doing what is necessary to balance itself. Eventually, you will feel better as you have pointed out to other people on the other board.

 

Regarding, your med dose, if it were me, since you are already at a very low dose, I would jump off. Personally, I find it hard to believe you are benefiting by staying on it at such a low dose.

 

"""""HUGS""""

 

Comp Sports

[Iggy131313]

thansk so much for replying compsports, Im too afraid to jump off at ths point, the medication on this RI never has done anything apart from cause an adverse reaction, but Im scared to jump off at a level that could shock my nervous system...

 

I thought that perhaps the violent wave was because I missed the dose and reintroduced it and had another hypersensitive reaction, but I know they can also come out of no where.

 

It means alot to me that you answered so thanks I feel very alone and scared

[Fizz]

Iggy, do NOT feel alone, I am reading your posts and thinking of you right now, we all love you! In a horrible wave myself, spaced out, weak, nausea, blurred vision, exhausted, cycle problems, etc etc. it's SUCH a blow after windows. Hold on, hold on, this is all part and parcel of the w/d. We are healing even if it so doesn't feel like it. You and me, both having a real time of it. Millions of hugs. Xxxxxxxxx

[Timinjapan]

Hi Iggy,

 

Regardless of whether your nervous system is benefiting from the small dose you are now on, or whether it's being aggravated by the drug, or whether you would give your CNS another shock by stopping, I think it is very good for you psychologically to make a decision about where you want to go with your taper and then stick to it. And I think the psychological benefit of you being in control of your taper is more important at this stage than the physiological side, although of course that is demanding most of your attention. So please go ahead with your slow taper until Christmas. It won't do you any harm at all and it may well be the safest way to proceed given your highly sensitive state.

 

As miserable as things are now, that one-month window you had this spring proves that you are not a hopeless case and it indicates that you are well on the road to recovery. I wish I could give you a date for when you are going to feel great again. Sadly, nobody can predict that with any certainty, but we can say for sure that you will recover. You won't to go back to what you were before SSRIs, but you will bloom into somebody who is equally delightful both for yourself and for the people around you. This trial you are enduring is going to have a happy ending.

 

Sending you a big hug from the East!

[Angel7366]

Hi Tim

 

Why won't she go back to the person before SSRI's??

[Angel7366]

Just because you were on an SSRI and came off them, doesn't change who you are or were surely? I've got many friends who were on them and came off them and they are back to normal.

[Iggy131313]

I think what Tim is saying that after going through an experienec like this we can never be who we once were

[Timinjapan]

Iggy is right.

 

We base our society on the concept that each person remains "the same individual" with "a distinct identity" from birth to death. But we also undergo progressive changes as we go through life. If these changes are gradual and gentle enough, we have no trouble feeling "the same person" we used to be. But if the experiences we undergo are too great or too sudden or too severe, we may emerge from them changed to an extent that we no longer feel, thing or act the same as we did, our personalities may be radically altered, we may act out of character, and others may feel we are like a different person.

 

Ho much a person changes can depend in part on the degree of trauma they have gone through. Iggy had a traumatic experience with her initial WD and that was exacerbated by RI, and she has been and still is suffering terribly from the effects of taking this drug. It is possible that this experience will change her in some fundamental ways that will make her "a different person" in the sense I described above, although the changes need not necessarily be for the worse.

[Angel7366]

Ah okay. Thanks for the explanation Tim. You know how it is, you catch a phrase here and there which can instil fear, especially when you are in a sensitive state.

 

I am not sure I go along with you though - between early 2011 and summer 2012 I underwent horrendous and traumatic Benzo withdrawals. Considered myself fully-healed after 14 months and never looked back - that is until this AD nightmare. Sure you may get a bit of PTSD from it all but that fades in time so, as bad as this is, it isn't necessarily going to be a life- changing experience.

 

Sorry to hog your thread Izzy!

[Angel7366]

*Iggy

[Iggy131313]

angel, thanks your post made me cry, did you ahve fear terror anxiety and deprssion during your benxo w/d? I bet you cant belive after all that you are back in this situation, you poor thing, I really feel for you. thinking of you. xx

[Angel7366]

Thanks Iggy. You are so sweet.

 

AD withdrawals are nasty - the adverse reaction I had for the first month of my reinstatement was even worse - but nothing, nothing compares to the horrors of withdrawing from benzodiazapines.

 

Yes, have been through a lot. But I will survive (again!)

[Altostrata]

If you're getting a bad reaction when you take the drug, if I were you, I'd reduce further.

[Iggy131313]

oh alto thanks so so much, I cant tell you how much I appriciate your input. Im on 0.48 now and was planning to go down to 0.40 in a couple of weeks, do you think that that awful wave after I had been doing so much better could have been because I missed a dose and took it again?

 

or perhaps that it was 5 months since my last 50% reduction? or just par for the course, but it was so aggressive so well, words cant describe.

 

I do think the drug is still having a bad inpact on me, I always feel worse after taking it, mainly I get the inner restlessness that I feel is somewhere a part of akathisia although I dont feel totally compelled to move my limbs its a terrible inner restlessnes that makes me want to scream and escape my own body..

[Iggy131313]

or do you think I should try and reduce sooner? its only been 4 days since I reduced from 0.56 to 0.48

[Altostrata]

If you are having such clear adverse effects from it, a fast taper is called for.

[Iggy131313]

so its possible that the terrible 'wave' was because I missed a dose and then 24 hours later reintrodused it into my system?

 

perhaps hold till wednesday (that will be a week on this dose) and drop again to 0.4?

[Altostrata]

Of course, Iggy. You know perfectly well that inconsistent dosing leads to problems.

 

Figure out what decreases feel best to you. I can't tell you how fast to go.

[Iggy131313]

thanks for your input, I do feel it was the fact that I missed the dose, what concerns me is whether it was mssing the dose (withdrawal reaction) or the reintroducton (adverse reaction) that was the cause, I feel personally that it seems too early for it to have been a withdrawal reaction, after only 24 hours...

 

ok, I know no one can tell me what to do, I will reduce a little further next week and then see how I am at 0.4, thanks so much..

[lexicon]

Angel, can you please tell me which benzo you tapered from? Also the method you used? And how long did you taper.?

I am sorry your experience was so terrible. ..

Wishing you wellness and peace ..Lexicon

[lexicon]

Iggy., thank you for letting me use your thread to ask a question ..

I am sorry you are going through a bad time ..

I will say a prayer for you . Sending you love ..

Lexicon

[Angel7366]

Sorry Lexicon. I didn't mean to frighten anyone wit my experience. Getting off benzos is not pleasant but it is doable.

 

I'm afraid I didn't really taper. I was put on 2mg a day Xanax (Alprazolam) for 1 week for a panic attack, got dependant, psych put me on 12 day Valium taper from 22mg to 2ng then jump off - so I could get them out my system quickly.

 

Everyone's situation is different though.

[Angel7366]

Lexicon

 

I just want to add that if you taper your Ativan very slowly, you should have far less problems. I had no choice because of the length of time I was on the Xanax and I also didn't want to prolong the time they were in my system with a longer taper (I was only on them for less than a month).

 

If you want more info, suggest you use my thread and not Iggy's.

 

Angel

[Iggy131313]

ok Im very confused and scared and I dont know what to do...life is still totally unlivable, all I do is pray to die, wish to die and the fact that Im not off this drug (failed RI after CT and severe adverse reaction) im terrified that its going to get even worse when Im off it...im scared and I begin to think I should have killed myself months ago to save all this torture and I dont have the strength to fight even worse up ahead...

 

I tried taking the drug (0.48) at a differnent time to see if it was deffo an adverse reaction after taking it but the feeling son intense inner restlessness came on at the same time as usual so it looks like its a time thing rather than the drug...but the 'good' moments I get (just not in soul twisting hell) are better than they were when I was on 2mg...

 

so whats to do for the best? should I hold on this low dose even though Im not sure if I am still having a hypersensitive reaction to it...Im scared that coming off when my CNS is in such a state, or is it possible that it wont impact me too much if I come off at a very low dose?

 

I see people being advised not to taper when in a bad way and it scares me as I am tapering from this adverse reaction, which was so SO severe, I have heard of only a few who have had this as severe as myself....no one can see the future, and no dr knows what the hells going on, so what do I do? I really dont know what to do for the best here, i want to help myself but I dont know which direction to take...continue to taper slowly....hold for a prolonged amount of time and try to heal with the drug in my system? Im in constant agony, I mean AGONY.....terror, awful STRONG inner restlessness, feelings like Im going CRAZY, brain fog, constant suicidal thoughts, my breasts are full of lumps like golf balls they are painful and inflamed, Im in constant pain in my joints and head, dp/dr, I feel strange sensations in my head and my eyes and mouth twitch and jump I cant do anything and I need to find some relief, Im desperate for some kind of relief, thats where the suicidal thoughts are coming from...

 

my sleep is still ok, does that show anything about my taper? would my sleep be getting worse if I shouldnt be tapering? I dont know where to turn and I feel like Im going to explode or kill myself, if I was 10 months off and feeling like this at least I would have some hope, but I feel like Ive done everything wrong and have lost hope, please guys what should I do, just what should I do?

[Iggy131313]

also my window in march, what does that mean? that im doing the right thing by tapering? I just dont want to make things worse, I dont care about anything but finding some relief, being able to function, not being in terrible hand wringing distress all the time...

 

the inner restlessness gave me a break for 4/6 weeks and then came back so badly, but I dont know what is damage already done from the CT and the severe adverse reaction or if any of it could be from tapering...I keep a chart and there doesnt seem to be any correlation between the taper and my symptoms, sometimes they get better after a cut and sometimes they get worse and sometimes they stay the same...my sleep remains uneffected and I do think that overall I am doing better than when I was on higher doses 2mg/1.5mg

 

But thats cold comfort when I am living in hell, real bad guys, its REALLY bad, unbearably bad..I have no idea how I drag myself kicking and screaming (literally) through each day, I phone my mum and scream that I need to die beg her to help me to die, I am being tortured and I have no idea what to do about it.

 

things got bad after that missed dose and taking again, but again, was it MISSING the dose or was it TAKING it that was the problem....I have no idea how to tell.

 

Really need some good advice

[Barbarannamated]

Iggy,

 

I'm sorry that I don't have any wise advice for you, but these words resonate STRONGLY with me (with husband in place of your mother):

 

"But thats cold comfort when I am living in hell, real bad guys, its REALLY bad, unbearably bad..I have no idea how I drag myself kicking and screaming (literally) through each day, I phone my mum and scream that I need to die beg her to help me to die, I am being tortured and I have no idea what to do about it."

 

I never felt anything close to this misery before. It is a torture like no other. And when it returns after a window of hope, it feels even worse.

 

Your posts sound VERY MUCH improved from when you first came onto the forum. I know it's hard to recognize that in the midst of hell.

[Iggy131313]

thanks barb and I am so sorry you are also feeling this hell...it is indescribable.

 

I *am* improved, its SO small that it hardly counts but there have been sevreal tiny improvements..I no longer have anhedonia, which when the hell lifts is nice, but the hell does not want to lift that often...there are now some evenings where I feel ok, I can laugh and I can feel reletavly normal...anxiety is a problem but the free floating stuff is relegated to the mornings..but that god awful inner aggitated restlessnes is kicking my a** REALLY getting to me alot...its not full blown akathisia but I feel its probably on the akathisia spectrum...

 

when my CT withdrawal kicked in it was just anxiety, but the severe adverse reaction has pushed me into the relms of severe hell and I just dont know where to turn now, if things are gonna get worse then I wont be able to make it through, I can hardly make it now...today the aggitation went away after 6 hours of it...but there have been times where I dont have it, for days, and before that for weeks, I know that this is classic waves and windows but I dont know what the best thing is to do for my CNS...Does it want this drug out? or does it need it?

 

thanks for replying and again, Im so so sorry that you relate to what Im saying, and I pray you find some relief soon.

[Iggy131313]

but again, this is something that ocncerns me so much, if I am improving, yes windows and waves, and only by tiny amounts I dont want to lose that when I come off, I dont want to go back to square 1 when I get off this tiny amount....could this 0.48 be holding back even worse for me?

 

or is that because it has never helped me, never dampned the w/d in fact only made things worse that I may be better when Im off? oh god I wish someone could help me

[Nikki]

Hi Iggy I am so sorry you are suffering like this. However it is good to see you posting again.

 

Iggy I think what Alto is suggesting is that if the RI was so bad, it may be time to taper again. To me that made sense.

 

I do remember that at certain times when I dropped lexapro a particular amount would be horrendous. Naturally I updosed, but then I remember dropping again to get out of that bad amount and it worked.

 

Are you tapering the AD and a benzo? Or just the AD?

 

If it helps you to post, then do so. Send Private Messages and ask for some pep talks, coaching or just some tender support. You can always contact me.

 

consider yourself hugged big time.

[Iggy131313]

just the AD, I very rarely take a benzo maybe once every couple of months and that only when this inner restlessness is causong me to self harm, which I have never ever thought about in my life....but I do now. so sad, I cant handle this anymore, I so wish I could die. But I cant because I have a son, hes only 4, if I kill myself it will destroy him, but what can I do? how can I live like this with only more and worse pain in the future? Im scard

[Nikki]

I know you are scared. I posted a while back in the sel fhelp portion that we have "obsessive and scary thoughts" from the Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Linda Bassett.

 

It is fueled by anxiety. There is the suicide ideation and self harm thoughts. Rarely and I mean rarely does anyone act on them. The thought then cause more fear and more anxiety and round and round it goes.

 

In a WD situation it is a chemical reaction and it then becomes an emotional/mental process.

 

The remedy give by L. Bassett is to tell yourself (1) this is my anxiety and I am not going to act on it (2) if I get moving it will dissipate (3) pick up the phone and call someone (4) starting typing to one of us

 

A powerful practice for me (which I cannot tap into at all at the moment) is to say "go ahead, act like a blithering idiot, jump off the bridge, go screaming down the street, pass out...yadayadayada

 

Guess what it goes away.

 

Maybe you need to take a little of your benzo when things get very scary. I know they are addictive, but you may need a little help to calm down periodically.

 

Feel for you

 

Hugs

[Iggy131313]

thanks Nikki, but to be honest the valium does very little to help and I have noticed that I get alot of depression in the days that follow me taking one...I just wish there was a way of knowing of this tiny amount of citalopram (0.48) was helping me or hurting me...then I would feel better and making a desicion...I have improved since earlier days, but is that ebcasue of the taper or because of time? if it was wrong to taper would I be feeling worse as I go along instead of better (better is a bad joke, but like I said the 'better' times are 'better' than they were 6 months ago)

 

I came on my period last night so Im really hoping that the big time ramping up of the aggitated innr restlessness (modertae akathisia?) was becasue of that....it hasnt come on yet today buts its only 2.15pm and it usually makes an appearance between 2.30 and 5pm and then stays as long as it wishes, its so awful there is no escape from it and nothing to help manage it...thats when I start to self harm....just to try to distract from the awful feeling, but last time I was self harming my husband paniced and my mother in law tried to have me sectioned, so I need to be careful...

 

I wish there was some way of knowing if Im doing the right thing by continuing to reduce...is there something I can do to test it?

[Iggy131313]

Oh god, this aggitated inner restlessness is KILLING me, I want to die so badly, its always been there, since the adverse reaction, but I think its what I always called anxiety, now I can tell the difference between this god awful feeling and anxiety, 2 completely different beasts...but what if the small dose is holding back full blown akathisia? or maybe this small dose could be the cause of this akathisia feeling? oh god please if anyone can help me please help me

[Barbarannamated]

Iggy,

 

Does any movement or change in position help at all? Walking, rocking, laying flat, standing..? Just grasping at straws. I had it horribly yesterday and really relate to that particular torture.

 

B~

[Iggy131313]

its hard, walking can help but I need to be with my son, the only thing that helps is sobbing but that only helps breifly...how long have you had this symptom? will it ever go away?