NoMeaning25: I wont give up hope

[Nikki]

Medfree....

 

Emotional abuse is very far reaching.  It affects the core of who we are.  Self-esteem, self-doubt, fear, hypersensitive or numbing.

There is denial which you seem to have addressed which is the first step and a good one.

 

I was an emotionally abusive marriage for many years.  I believe that when I  had a meltdown with anxiety and depression it was a direct result of emotional abuse.

 

Instead of recognizing the abuse early on, I became more and more co-dependent.  I accepted so much unacceptable behavior and lost the ability to set boundaries.  This created a very dark and scary place for me.

 

Being around this type of behavior makes recovery of any kind even harder, or at least that has been my experience.  It's like struggling to walk into the light with a ball and chain on our ankles.

 

For myself Recovery has been a very general term for many types of Recovery.  Recovery from Anxiety - Recovery from an abusive relationship - Recovery from childhood abuse and neglect and of course for years now Recovery from AD's.

 

You have arrived at lifting the denial....you are half way there.  Now that you have made that recognition, the next step is to detach from it.  Emotionally, mentally and physically.

 

People do what they do because of who they are, not because of you.  None of us cause someone to be an emotionally abusive individual.  Their stuff made them that way.

 

My advise to any woman is to get out, save yourself.  You deserve a good life.  You are worth it and you are good enough.

Believe this.

 

Walking away from someone who mistreats you is even more of a gift when they walk away.  If you walk away it is a gift you have given yourself.  Watch your self-esteem soar.

 

Lots and lots of hugs

[Aria]

"People do what they do because of who they are, not because of you. None of us cause someone to be an emotionally abusive individual. Their stuff made them that way."

 

Remember you deserve feeling safe and no one ever deserves being abused.

[alex]

 

For myself Recovery has been a very general term for many types of Recovery.  Recovery from Anxiety - Recovery from an abusive relationship - Recovery from childhood abuse and neglect and of course for years now Recovery from AD's.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I am a victim of abuse also.

 

I want to believe we will finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Hugs,A.

[Petunia]

I've also been in an abusive relationship, it was one of the factors which contributed to me starting on medication.  Most people who have not experienced it, don't understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship.  Its even more difficult if the abuser has caused the victim to become isolated from friends and family.

 

If you are not ready to leave the relationship, perhaps some counseling would help you to make that decision, any safe person outside of the relationship, who you can talk to is going to help you see things more clearly.  Maybe try talking to you Mom too, tell her what's been going on.

 

I would think it would be very difficult to heal from anything when you have the stress of abuse in your life.

 

 

[NoMeaning25]

Please someone help me. I am approaching 15 months completely Med free and i havent seen any improvements, no windows, no nothing. Please why am i not getting any better? I am really worried.

 

I am suffering very severely. I only took the drug for 4 years why am i suffering so much? I had an adverse reaction when i tried to reinstate, so i cant go back.

 

Please, i have the following 24/7:

 

Severe DR/DP 

Brain fog

Vertigo

Heart palpitations

Extremely severe eye distortions (Blurry, wavy, flickering vision)

Extreme sensitivity to sunlight and light

Anhedonia

Apathy

My emotions are not working, i cry constantly and feel very very sad all the time

Head pressure and sinus pain 

Eye pain

Extremely severe fatigue

Tinitus

I cant remember anything, cant focus, cant do anything i feel like a vegetable

No concentration

Severe terror and constant worrying about health issues and death

Anxiety

Depression

Muscle Weakness

Massive gut issues

Persistant stomach bloating, pain and constipation

Ovary pain

Frequent urination (12+ times a day) No infection present

I feel drugged up all the time

 

 

I am 25 years old. This is really ruining my life. I cannot live like this. I am suffering so severely. I dont want to live like this anymore please :'(

 

 

[Temperance]

Hey-Ho

 

Sorry to hear of your on-going suffering. I know what you are going through.

 

This sheet of advice gave me meaning & helpful advice in dealing with the relentless trauma of protracted withdrawal.

 

http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/reaction.htm

 

As far as I know, its posted by a dude called Charles G. <l.hein at chello*nl>

 

I referred to it many many times & it was a life saver to me.

 

I tried so many different remedies to treat the intolerable distress of what was happeing & it was ingested low doses of medical marijuana which helped the most, but you have to be really really careful & it's not for everyone. A bit of valium rarely might be ok, but sadly, there is no easy answer...you survive it, you don't go back to how you were, you only move foreward.

 

Dr Peter Breggin was & continues to be the person who provides the most validation & his free video presentations on his website & youtube are a must, as are his free radio broadcasts on the progressive radio network. The info in his books also gave me so much meaning & validation.

 

http://www.toxicpsychiatry.com

http://www.breggin.com

http://www.empathictherapy.org

http://prn.fm/2013/09/dr-peter-breggin-hour-090413/

 

Please read the reaction help sheet & visit the links for more info & of course, get back in touch if you would like to discuss any of it further. If you can't face it, ask a trusted friend or relative for help.

 

Just as a last thought, you really need clinical supervision for your withdrawal, Dr Breggin does have a psychiatric drug withdrawal book, but as regards mainstream healthcare support, it's difficult even getting them to acknowledge you're in withdrawal. I had to scour the net for answers & use trial & error to find anything that would get me though one hour at a time. If you decide to try mmj, go through a mmj clinic & go for a CBD rich strain & stick to very low doses. Other herbal sedatives might work for you like Hops or Kava Kava or Valarian, but great caution is needed. Dr Breggin does not recommend using MMJ, that was just my personal findings of what worked for me the most, but it wasn't by smoking trippy skunk strains, the doses I used were very low, ingested 200-400mg at a time.

 

If you're using hormones, that will obvioulsy affect your mood...watch out for ignored health problems too which might have been wrongly attributed to 'mental illness'.

 

Detoxing will help, bicarb of soda...edible bentonite clay...fresh juice fasting...filter your water, avoid meat & dairy, anything to reduce your toxic burden.

 

I found a lot of emotions coming through which I should have experienced at the time of the events, such as splitting with my partner & the death of my Mother...(the body remembers)....& for me, alot of unwept grief came out once I was ssri free...again, no easy answers, but you will eventually get some let up...but it's painfully slow I'm afraid. So surround yourself with love as much as you can. The SSRI reaction sheet should help...it did me.

 

Hope you find your way home soon.

You could always ask our Creator for 'power beyond normal' if you believe in such a being.

Edited November 4, 2013 by Altostrata
name and e-mail masked for privacy

[GiaK]

I'm going to share a few posts that might help with developing coping and healing skills both. I know it's hard for you to read but if you just look at one article from the lists a day and get some ideas on how to cope and heal it might help.

 

I've needed to alter my diet and change numerous habits...it's sometimes a long process to heal from this stuff...we can only do it a moment a time...I don't even say "one day at a time." I say one moment because that is how hard it is.

 

Information and inspiration for the chronically ill

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/05/15/chronicillnesstab/

 

the PRACTICE of embracing what is…

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/06/24/foundation/

 

Toolbox for healing

http://beyondmeds.com/toolbox-2/

 

Yoga at home

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/02/17/yoga-at-home/

 

Nutrition stuff:

http://beyondmeds.com/gut-health/

 

I'm sorry there isn't more support out there for all of us...most of us have to figure it out on our own...but we're doing it with each other. And we do get better in time.

 

hang in there.

[Altostrata]

medfree, I merged your topics as your most recent continues your history here.

 

How is your living situation? Living in extreme stress no doubt has prolonged your symptoms.

[NoMeaning25]

Thank you GiaK for the links. I will go through them as soon as i have a chance.

 

Alto, my situation is still the same. Mental abuse from my boyfriend everyday, a stressful home environment, stressful work environment with extremely sharp fluorescent lights all around me, plus infront of the computer the whole day. I think all of this is making me not getbetter. Could it be?

 

I was thinking of quiting my job, leaving my boyfriend and just staying at home peacefully. But its a decision i am struggling to make.

 

Can stress really prolong symptoms and affect recovery?

[Altostrata]

Yes, all that stress can delay healing.

 

If I were you, I'd definitely get rid of the boyfriend. ASAP. No looking back.

[mammaP]

Hi Medfree, Stress really does make withdrawal much worse in my experience.

I don't know if there are any support networks where you live but if it is possible I would get away from the abusive relationship.

Work can be good because it's routine and a reason to get out of bed, and might not feel so bad if you aren't so stressed at home. 

I hope you can find some peace, withdrawal is hellish enough without abuse to cope with also. 

[NoMeaning25]

Im in a massive situation right now.

 

I am on 3/4 of birth control. I ran out for 4 days (2 pills were sugar ones, 2 active) i just finished my period on Monday. I restarted the 3/4 on Tuesday, now today i am having a period again! My doctor said i must stop the birth control.

 

I am scared. I cant cold turkey BC. I did it last year and i almost died! But i think im having some massive adverse reaction from the pill. They have in some way turned on me.

 

When i took the pill last night (I only skipped 4 pills) I slept uneasy. This morning i have massive anxiety, increased DR/DP, dizziness, massive nausea and i feel very unwell. Now my period even started again.

 

What should i do? Can i quit the 3/4 or should i continue taking it?

 

If i quit CT, how long can i expect to feel terrible? 3 months or more?

 

Sorry i know this isnt BC Forum, but i am in a very bad situation being in w/d 

[NoMeaning25]

This is so terrible :'( my life is such a mess God please help me :'(

[NoMeaning25]

Can the Birth Control cause my withdrawal ymptoms to be worse?

[Altostrata]

The fluctuation in hormones caused by taking the bc pill inconsistently can add to withdrawal symptoms.

 

Why not try tapering off?

[NoMeaning25]

I am tapering my birth control, but maybe im doing it wrong.

 

I cut 1/4 off my pill in April. Have been holding at 3/4 until now. Im thinking of stabilizing on the 3/4 and then dropping to 1/2.

 

When should i drop again? every 3 months or so?

[Altostrata]

I can't say, it's up to you. At some point, it will not be effective for birth control any more. All you're doing is tapering to forestall withdrawal from the hormones in it. Perhaps you can ask your gyn about this?

[NoMeaning25]

My gyn said i should switch to a lighter pill, but the ultimate goal is to get off the birth control (I know it wont be effective anymore after i drop to 1/2)

 

I either switch to a safer lighter pill, or taper as usual until i reach 1/4 and stop.

 

Its a difficult situation

[NoMeaning25]

I recently had massive massive stress and panic and it has definately set me way way back. My DR/DP, Dizziness, visual distortions and anhedonia are massive now. Im 16 months off and doubting ill ever get better. I have seen no improvements only worsening. Im gonig to start taking a different approach.

 

- No more stress of any kind

- Eat as healthy as possible (Going to try the low-histamine, low- inflammatory gluten free, MSG Free diet)

- Drink atleast 2L of water (I have a huge problem with this i dont ever feel thirsty)

- Start doing more physical activity (I just sit or lay down all day)

- Going to start sleeping 8-9 hours a day (

- Will be quiting my job within the next 6 months so that i dont have to sit infront of the computer and bright lights all day

- Stop Birth Control (Im on 1/2 will drop end of the month and should be off by February)

 

 

If this doesnt work, im out of all options and will rather kill myself.

 

Another thing. As soon as i stopped eating bran my stomach is feeling a bit better. I still have pelvic pain but i now believe its from my bladder. I have kidney pains everyday. My doctor will be doing some tests soon to see if i dont have damage. 

 

I have weird bladder problems i never had before. My urinalysis shows i have 80000 + infection cells, but my urine never grows any cultures so they never give me any antibiotics. This has gone on for 9 months now and i am worried. Please advise why this is if anyone might know

[mammaP]

Hi medfree, your plan sounds spot on, I think it will help you dramatically.  There are some excellent 

suggestion in the symptoms and self care topics that help with diet and stress. I found some yesterday

that I haven't seen before! 

 

I have no clue about the urinalysis and don't know what to suggest but someone else might know something.

It's great that there has been some improvement, let us know how the plan goes.  There will be some lapses

along the way but just pick yourself up and jump back in where you left off  

[NoMeaning25]

Hi MammaP. Thank you very much. I am positive that my plan should help me in some way. Thank you for your support i appreciate it

[Altostrata]

See a kidney doctor regarding the potential infection.

 

2L of water per day is a LOT of water. This might cause problems with your electrolytes.

[mammaP]

Hi MammaP. Thank you very much. I am positive that my plan should help me in some way. Thank you for your support i appreciate it

Thank you, I'm happy to help. 

[Ellen042]

I really want to reply to your post, but I just haven't had time to read through your thread yet.  Just know that there's yet another person out here who care about you.  You've been on my heart.  Hope to get back to you soon. 

[Ellen042]

Wow.  I can't say your situation is unusual for the people on this site, but still reading each person's story is almost unbelievable.  And I'm right there with all of you. 

 

MedFree, you are suffering physically, emotionally, and relationally.  You can't expect much of yourself right now.  Are you still with the abusive boyfriend?  If you are, the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-7233. (USA)  If you're still with him, please program it into your phone. 

 

I've noticed a lot of folks including yourself suggesting you see a counselor.  I would start seeing a counselor asap.  You'll just know when you meet him/her if they're any good.  If they're not helping you, switch.  This is too much for anyone to go through alone. 

 

I myself strongly believe that many if not most of your symptoms stem from living through abuse.  Usually women who go through abusive romantic relationships were abused as a child and just haven't recognized it, as it's all you've ever known.  A counselor could help you through that too, when you are ready. 

 

I firmly believe that your chances of recovery are nearly 100%, but I do think you need help to get there.  Stay on this board too, as even long-distance support helps. 

 

I couldn't help but notice your visual symptoms.  They are pathognomic of convergence reaction.  (I'm an eye doctor, but don't mistake me as a psychologist or psychiatrist!  I'm neither.)  Convergence reaction is when you develop physical symptoms from unburried abuse.  The treatment for it, once again, is professional counseling and removing yourself from the abuse.  If you've not removed yourself yet, I understand.  It just means you need professional help to do so. 

 

You were on my heart again this morning, and that's why I read your post and replied.  That's why people reply: because you're on their heart.  Know that you have many folks here to walk through this with you.  You're not alone, and you WILL get better.  If you can, start believing it.  Our thoughts have amazing power over our health.  "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is." (Biblical) 

[NoMeaning25]

Dear Ellen

 

 

I thank you very much for taking the time to read through my journal and i am very grateful for your reply.

 

To be honest, i do believe i am not getting better because of the severe and constant emotional abuse i am dealing with on a day to day basis. On top of this, i am also dealing with financial problems, severe stress from work, stressful living consitions and stress about my mothers health.

 

I do not however know what to do to help myself in this regard. I need to go to a Councellor or Psycchologist, but i do not have the finances. I could go to a 'cheap' councellor but i do wonder if she would be any good. I will alteast give her a try and see, becasue i definately need all the support and help i can get.

 

I have not yet found the strenght to leave my abusive boyfriend and i am hoping a councellor could help me with this. I made an appointment for mid-January so will keep everyone updated.

 

Please tell me more about "They are pathognomic of convergence reaction"

 

The symptoms i have are: My eyes struggle to focus on sudden close objects, jumpy vision, wavey vision, very blurry vision and constant eye pain (Behind my eyes too), flickering vision sometimes. It gets worse with stressful events. Will it ever go away or should i go to an eye specialist to check it out?

 

I feel so very tired of this life

 

Wow.  I can't say your situation is unusual for the people on this site, but still reading each person's story is almost unbelievable.  And I'm right there with all of you. 

 

MedFree, you are suffering physically, emotionally, and relationally.  You can't expect much of yourself right now.  Are you still with the abusive boyfriend?  If you are, the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-7233. (USA)  If you're still with him, please program it into your phone. 

 

I've noticed a lot of folks including yourself suggesting you see a counselor.  I would start seeing a counselor asap.  You'll just know when you meet him/her if they're any good.  If they're not helping you, switch.  This is too much for anyone to go through alone.

 

I myself strongly believe that many if not most of your symptoms stem from living through abuse.  Usually women who go through abusive romantic relationships were abused as a child and just haven't recognized it, as it's all you've ever known.  A counselor could help you through that too, when you are ready. 

 

I firmly believe that your chances of recovery are nearly 100%, but I do think you need help to get there.  Stay on this board too, as even long-distance support helps. 

 

I couldn't help but notice your visual symptoms.  They are pathognomic of convergence reaction.  (I'm an eye doctor, but don't mistake me as a psychologist or psychiatrist!  I'm neither.)  Convergence reaction is when you develop physical symptoms from unburried abuse.  The treatment for it, once again, is professional counseling and removing yourself from the abuse.  If you've not removed yourself yet, I understand.  It just means you need professional help to do so. 

 

You were on my heart again this morning, and that's why I read your post and replied.  That's why people reply: because you're on their heart.  Know that you have many folks here to walk through this with you.  You're not alone, and you WILL get better.  If you can, start believing it.  Our thoughts have amazing power over our health.  "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is." (Biblical) 

[RebelMaven]

Would Convergence Insufficiency Treatment such as exercises help this despite the situation?

[Altostrata]

At the very least, you need to take action to get out of the abusive situation. It is a very serious deterrent to your feeling better.

[Ellen042]

Yes, at the very least , you need to take action to get out of the abusive situation.  If you're in the USA, most counties have domestic violence centers with free counseling.  If you call the national domestic violence  hotline, I'm sure they could give you the number for your local center.  Convergence insufficiency has absolutely nothing to do with convergence reaction.  Will write more when I can.  Praying for you. 

[RebelMaven]

 

Convergence insufficiency has absolutely nothing to do with convergence reaction.  Will write more when I can.

 

Yes, I undestand that now.  I would love to hear more about convergence reaction as I am in this same situation.  I searched for it but there was nothing useful.  To save your response time, if you have links to this condition I would greatly appreciate you posting them.

 

Thank You

[Ellen042]

The lay term for convergence reaction is conversion disorder. Try googling it. It used to be called hysteria, but was found to be very, very real, and thus given a new name. What I disagree with the most on the internet is that it often resolves on its own and that it can be short lived. I've yet to see a case that is either self limiting or short lived. I've been practicing for 16 years. Hope this helps you find the info you're looking for. Hang in there. Still praying for you.

[RebelMaven]

The lay term for convergence reaction is conversion disorder.

 

Yes, that did the trick as opposed to Googling "reaction".

 

Thanks so much.

 

Edit:  Yes, this is what they are calling psychomotor retardation in me.  But mine lasts constantly for months though.  Currently it is part pf my 24 hour cycle but that may be related to interdose withdrawal.

[Ellen042]

Hi Medfree,  In case you've not made it to a counselor's office, I wanted to recommend two books that helped me tremendously in getting out of an abusive marriage:  The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, and Why Does He Do That?  Forget the authors' names, but you'll find them incredibly eye opening, and they'll give you strength.  Praying for you. 

[Needmylifeback]

Medfree yes this journey has been long!! And a lot to go thru when we aren't even told about this side of things when we are put on these meds.

 

Of my six naturally born children, four have chronic health issues. Another four (incl one of the medically healthy children; and not including my child who died as a preschooler) have suffered severe anxiety/depression and ADD and insomnia since they were little.

 

I have been the only caretaker through all their highs and lows... And some of the lows have lasted many years. Support is crucial!! I can definitively state that your age is on your side!!! Most of your body's cells will completely replace themselves over a 3yr period. Some cells like nerve related support can take as much as 5yrs to replace. But in a relative short period of time your organs and body overall will be renewed!! You will not always be where you are today.

 

At your age your rate of and ability to regenerate cells is excellent!! It's dark right now.... But soon you will look back and see the journey you are coming thru.... And be in a better place when you do. But your body is designed to heal damage! And it will heal this too.... It does take time.

 

As I read thru your thread, the thing that probably was the hardest on your body was how rapidly you were taken off things... Just as you began to feel better!! And then several short term add ins and taken right back off.... In short succession. I can't imagine anyone being ok after so many changes in such a short time!!

 

Another thing to keep in mind is if you began taking meds which impact your CNS at 19yo, a lot of chemical/hormonal shifts have taken place as part of your organic process as you moved out of puberty. Meaning that you have a whole new level of normal at 23yo than you did thru your teens. I find it helpful to look for what I enjoy and find joy in for my new normal, like someone mentioned before.... Find what makes you smile!! rather than looking back to what's behind me now.

 

I hope you can keep posting! You're further down the road than I am... And it helps me to see what others are experiencing to know what to expect.

[NoMeaning25]

This has really scared me now. Do i really have this disorder?? My symptoms were present from day one and just got worse with stress. What type of councelling do i need? How do i find a good Councellor? Im from South Africa

 

The lay term for convergence reaction is conversion disorder. Try googling it. It used to be called hysteria, but was found to be very, very real, and thus given a new name. What I disagree with the most on the internet is that it often resolves on its own and that it can be short lived. I've yet to see a case that is either self limiting or short lived. I've been practicing for 16 years. Hope this helps you find the info you're looking for. Hang in there. Still praying for you.

[Altostrata]

We don't diagnose people here.

 

Rather than scare yourself with thoughts about what disorder you might have, think about taking care of yourself in the best way. Are you lonely? Then you need companionship. Are you unhappy? You need to remove the source of unhappiness from your life. Move toward what makes you feel good, body and soul.