success ☼ Hudgens's story

[Fizz]

Hudgens, so so happy for you and the way you've been feeling. I got a mental picture of you breaking into a run! Bet you've been wanting to do that for so long, it's fantastic to hear of people feeling better, long may it last. Hope you get another decent nights sleep. Tons of hugs. Xxxxxxx

[Hudgens]

I appreciate that, Fizz. Yesterday was yet another good day, worked until 430 and then went to the beach. Slept very well last night. This is my fourth day at my new lower dose, I won't be surprised

if a get some bad days, but maybe this time, since I waited so long to make this drop, I might not get as much bad stuff as in the past. Hope you're doing well, Hudgens

[Hudgens]

5th day since new dose, not too bad, got a lot done and then went to sit on the beach, turned out to be a beautiful day. I felt absolutely normal all day until now as I approach bedtime, I'm getting some mild anxiety, but nothing unmanageable.

[Hudgens]

Today wasn't so good, anxiety between mild and moderate all day, doesn't even seem to be easing at bedtime. Still, I got work done, walked, read at the beach and attended a community clam bake. So I'm functional and enjoying things so far even on days like this. And I know-- as long as the good days out number the bad, I'm still going in the right direction.

[Hudgens]

Another bad day. Sort of took the day off, although it really wasn't so bad that I had to. Didn't sleep too well last night and so spent the day napping and reading, although I did take a 20 minute walk in the afternoon. Anxiety and flu-like symptoms most of the day right up until now, bedtime. Well this can't really be said to be unexpected 6 days after a drop. But I'm sure I will get through it fine and be feeling good again soon.

[Hudgens]

A much better day, Good night's sleep last night. Flu-like symptom for two hours in the morning, gone by 10 am. Felt good the rest of the day-worked until 3pm, then food shopping and library, beach, walked, watched movie (Zero Dark Thirty). Still fine at bedtime, now book and bed.

[Hudgens]

Another good night's sleep last night and an even better day today than yesterday. Walked a little further than usual, very tired now at bedtime. Managing to completely forget about tappering and WD symptoms for periods of several hours at a time lately. I think this is the 9th day since the drop.

[Hudgens]

No WD symptoms today.

[Narcissus]

No WD symptoms today.

 

That's what I like to hear.

[Hudgens]

Mood was a little low this morning but up again by early afternoon, some very mild background anxiety most of day. Not a bad day, though, overall.

 

  It seems a long time since the WD has prevented me from doing what I want to do. This seems to be a whole new phase of the recovery. I don't seem to get waves anymore, just one or two bad days here and there, and even then the symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be. Something has definitely changed for the better.

[Hudgens]

Yesterday was a good day and today is starting out pretty good, too. This drop has been very easy so far, only a couple of bad days so far. And even those were manageable. I think this is day 10 already.

[Hudgens]

Pretty good day, very productive, exercised and sat and read at beach in the evening. Slept well last night, some anxiety and irritability for first 2-3 hours of morning, but felt perfectly normal for most of the day. Beginning to feel physically stronger too now (walking and free exercise). Starting to feel like I turned a corner of some sort.

I know I could get hit with a wave, but things really do feel different from everything before.

[Hudgens]

Another good day.

[Narcissus]

Another good day.

 

Glad to hear it!

[Hudgens]

Peaceful, good night's sleep last night. Felt perfectly normal all day. Worked until early afternoon, in early evening, went to community pool and swam and read (not simultaneously). I find I'm execising more. Only a few months ago this would've made me feel worse, but now it only seems to make me sleep better and feel gradually stronger overall. So maybe I've lost some of my WD sensitivity.

[Hudgens]

Learned at group today that high levels of Cortisol over long periods of time damages the Hypothalamus (though not permanently).  

This makes the depression and anxiety more and more likely to reoccur. Most WD symptoms are some form of Anxiety (perhaps even including depression, which seems so closely related anyway) and thus are caused by unregulated Cortisol production. (The Cortisol damages the Hypothalamus and the Hypothalamus-not being able to do its job as well, creats a cascade effect in the brain which in turn ends up producing more Cortisol, and on and on.) This may be why it seems to take so long to recover.

 

The Hypothalamus however can eventually be brought back to its normal state of functioning if the unregulated Cortisol is gotten under control.  

So the goal must be to reduce excessive Cortisol through things like meditation, mindfullness, healthy living etc..

 

Today for example I had moderate anxiety most of the day and I think I did a good job of keeping it to a minimum. It left for about 3 hours in the middle of the day, but then came back in the later evening. I still feel it now but I'm doing my best not to add to it in anyway, to accept it, and-even more importantly, to reduce it with, for example, mindfulness breathing meditation and concentrating on how I feel inside (more mindfulness). I want to shut off the Cortisol as much as possible, and this, as well as other things, does seem to do that.

 

I think what I'm saying is that WD's aren't just what we have to go through while waiting for things to heal, but may actually be responsible for preventing them from healing, and therefore prolonging recovery. 

 

 And if excessive Cortisol production is at the bottom of all this, then we know what we have to be focusing on. Of course, the means by which we do this can be so many things from letting go off

early traumas to drinking more orange juice.  

 

Is most of what we're all doing here just a big battle with Cortisol, or is this oversimplifying?

 

(Concentrating on writing this has distracted me from my anxiety enough to help it all but disappear.)

[Hudgens]

Yesterday and today not too bad, but flu-like feeling most of the day with the exception of three hours in the middle of the day. Didn't stop me from getting things done, though. Also trouble falling to sleep for last two nights, but no anxiety during the night. Kind of a mixed bag, I guess. 

[Hudgens]

Saturday was another day with the flu, but manageable. Last night I slept very peacfully, and today was all but symptom free-the only problem being a few hours of irritability in the morning. Very happy to have a good day after 4-5 days with patches of anxiety and flu. Almost 3 weeks since last drop and hopefully things are looking up. Went to a family barbecue this afternoon and really enjoyed the whole thing. All in all, happy with the way things are going the last few months.

[Jemima]

 

Is most of what we're all doing here just a big battle with Cortisol, or is this oversimplifying?

 

(Concentrating on writing this has distracted me from my anxiety enough to help it all but disappear.)

 

There's a lot more to the story I think, but I'm impressed that the group you attend is aware of this as one aspect of things that go out of whack from antidepressants.  This is just my opinion, but I think antidepressants upset many body functions and the adrenal glands are just one of them.  Once I got my bedroom good and dark and started wearing a sleep mask, my cortisol problem subsided within six weeks--maybe less--but I still had other withdrawal symptoms.

[Meimeiquest]

Hudgens, Do you have any other suggestions around cortisol? Why does OJ help?

 

Last night was my first to succeed in my quest to keep my eyes covered. In the past, I pulled off the sleep mask in my sleep. A bandana was too tight and thick. I am embarrassed to say I finally succeeded with a sleep mask under my CPAP mask. I am horrified to think of how it looks, but I did wake up calmer.

[Hudgens]

Jemima, yeah, I think you're right about Cortisol being only a part of the things causing WD. I'm sure, though, its control (reduction as much as possible) helps a lot in letting important parts of the CNS heal, which in turn allviates much of the WD symptoms.

 

Meimeiquest, Vitamin C reduces Cortisol. Most meditation does too-especially mindfulness meditation.

 

It's the long periods of continuous high Cortisol production which does the real damage. Anyone noticing a reduction in WD symptoms over time, must be healing. On the other hand, for those who seem to be stuck a long time-it may be the high Cortisol which is doing (non-permanent) damage and so keeping the whole wave going.

 

Yesterday went well-no real symptoms of any kind. A good night's sleep last night, and today is good so far, too.

[MaryKA]

Dear Hudgens, you started your story asking if there were any success stories ... seems like your's is one!!! Thank you for sharing. So very well done. I hope that you do do do enjoy!

[Hudgens]

Thanks, katiemt, I've got another 2-3 drops to make, but I do feel very good lately. Of course I want as soft a post-tappering landing as possible, so I'm taking my time.

 

Today was a good day, no WD symptoms and got a lot done-slept good the night before.  

[Hudgens]

I slept really well last night, I think it was about6-7 hours and only woke up once. Since I've spent the last ten months or so-after the WD symptoms became a real problem-sleeping an average 3-4 hours a night, this is a relief.

 

The day wasn't bad-some anxiety, but manageable. Ate healthy, worked in the morning, went to group. Haven't exercised, though, for the last 3 days-not good. Am meditating now 20 minutes AM/PM. Seems to be helping in short term, but probably will have a stronger effect long term. No anxiety now at bedtime. Time to read myself to sleep.

[Hudgens]

Slept an unheard of 8 hours last night. Felt good all day.

 

It's been 24 days since my last drop, if things go this well for another week, I may try another.

[MaryKA]

No anxiety now at bedtime. Time to read myself to sleep.

 

Hee hee, glad to see this, not least cos it's my normal too!

[Hudgens]

Yeah, I usually read myself to sleep. Still sleeping well. A very busy day today, no WD symptoms.

[Hudgens]

Felt perfectly normal all day.

[Hudgens]

Yesterday I was fine until about 530 pm when I had about 4 hours of low mood and moderate anxiety. I felt better by bedtime and slept pretty well, but had night sweats all night.

 

This morning I feel good again. So, as I remarked earlier, I don't seem to get waves as much as episodes at this point. I take that as a good sign, especially since I'd be fine with living like this if I had to. Even with 2-3 bad days a month.

I don't think I'll eventually have to, but it's a good sign that I could. I think it also means that the bad episodes are not only fewer and farther between, but also much less severe. In fact, severe is too strong a word. For example, I'm

not even disappointed by them anymore.

[Rhiannon]

So good to hear how well you're doing! Thank you for sharing it with us.  You deserve it. And I'm sure it's as encouraging to other people as it is to me.

[Hudgens]

You're welcome. It really seems to be true-this stuff resolves slowly and over time. It's happening just as I was told it would when I first came to this site. There's a real possibility I'll be celebrating the new year with a post-tappering, soft landing. That's all I want for Christmas.

[MaryKA]

Absolutely brilliant, Hudgens! Seems like all you need for Christmas is your patience!! So are you on 0.22 mg like what your sig says?

[Hudgens]

Yes, I'm currently at .22 mgs.. I think .05 mgs will be my final amount. The new year would make a taper of 3 years and one month.

 

Today was much better than yesterday. My mood was normal and no real WD symptoms. Now 28 days out from my last cut. I think I'd like another 7 days without any symptoms before I make another.

[Hudgens]

Felt flu-like symptoms for most of the day, mild though.

[MaryKA]

I really appreciate your journal, Hudgens

[Hudgens]

You're welcome, Katie.

Had two episodes of anxiety yesterday, but they never developed into attacks. From late morning until

early evening, however, I felt great. The anxiety didn't keep me from traveling to a nearby town to meet an old highschool buddy and his wife who were passing through on an RV vacation. And despite the anxiety, I had a good time-in other words, the anxiety wasn't so bad that I had to go through the motions to get through the evening. I even forgot about it several times.

 

Slept a full night's sleep last night. Feeling some flu this morning, but pretty mild. My mood is up where it should be lately-perhaps that's another reason why the anxiety doesn't bother me so much.

 

The pattern for the last 3-4 days has been that I feel completely normal during the middle of the day, so the flu will most likely be leaving for a while shortly. I'm taking a walk to the lake to help reduce the Cortisol from the flu. I believe that anything I can do to reduce Cortisol when it's happening helps reduce any damage it can do, which in turn reduces its reoccurence, or at least its severity in the future. The best way to reduce Cortisol is through any mindfullness tecnique. Being around other people-especially in a social setting-makes be feel stronger somehow. Keeps my mood up. Isolating myself slowly does the opposite-I begin to feel weaker and less sure of myself, and I worry more. Even when I don't feel like it, the healthy choice for me is almost always to get out into the world.