EternalOptimist: 17 days on generic remeron, want off

[EternalOptimist]

Thinking of you all.

Head Sx and pressure off the wall. Can't help but wonder what the heck is this? Still think it's mostly w/d.

There's my 2 cent post.

Peace and healing,

EO

[EternalOptimist]

Hi

I've read A little of the other posts and can relate to a lot of the reports of suffering.

These early-mornings are atrocious with the suicide thoughts again not a plan just a thought like it's intrusive, I don't want to die but I can't live like this but I see that that's common too.. At nearly 5 months off I feel a lot of despair in the mornings like there's nothing to live for. I go to my routine thank God. I keep working on remembering how much better I felt just this last May and just last year before I went into the setback. Feel like I'm hanging on every five minutes throughout every morning lately. I still struggle to understand how taking a drug for nine weeks can cause so much suffering five months later. I'm trying not to be hung up on that but it keeps plaguing me. I can imagine the Xanax withdrawal underneath this maybe set up my brain to remember w/d pattern. I feel alone and scared and left out of life. There are times in the afternoon or early evening when someone may call and need some support and I can give it and that makes me feel good again. A second long withdrawal syndrome feels nearly devastating.

I read where others

share their emotions and concernsso I I thought I do it myself this morning, be a little more open.

Any support would be really appreciated. Thanks. You are all in my prayers.

[Petunia]

Hi EO,

 

I have banned myself from posting on others threads for a few days, because I'm feeling so rotten myself and don't want to infect anyone else with my negativity, but I noticed your post had dropped down to page 2 and wanted to offer some support.

 

I still struggle to understand how taking a drug for nine weeks can cause so much suffering five months later. I'm trying not to be hung up on that but it keeps plaguing me. I can imagine the Xanax withdrawal underneath this maybe set up my brain to remember w/d pattern.

 

I would think that what you are experiencing now is a combination of the current withdrawal, but also continued recovery from any damage done by drug exposure since 1989.

 

Hang in there, a lot of us are going through a particularly rough time at the moment, I have no idea why, but I'm sure it will pass.

 

Petu.

[EternalOptimist]

Thank you Petu. So nice hearing from you tho so sad so many of us are long suffering .

I had a few little windows in early eve last few days tho Groundhog Day next morning.

I have friends on AD's doing much better, couple have come off no problem. Boggles my mind. Just have to accept that's not me

nor a lot of us. My heart goes put to you. Improvement will come, just takes so long and so much out of us.

Hugs

EO

[mammaP]

I am so glad to see that you had some fleeting windows EO, hang on to the memory of them

to see you through the waves.  I remember last year a friend told me she was stopping her prozac C/T.

I tried to get her to taper but she just quit and has been fine! I  am happy for her but can't help 

feeling a little envious! Everyone is different and sadly some of us find it harder than others, I am so 

grateful that I found this site because we help each other through it. 

[EternalOptimist]

I am so glad to see that you had some fleeting windows EO, hang on to the memory of them

to see you through the waves.  I remember last year a friend told me she was stopping her prozac C/T.

I tried to get her to taper but she just quit and has been fine! I  am happy for her but can't help 

feeling a little envious! Everyone is different and sadly some of us find it harder than others, I am so 

grateful that I found this site because we help each other through it.

 

Hi Mama P. You took the words right out of my mouth. That is, your last sentence about being so grateful to find this site. I feel the same way. I wish I were healthier, I could interact more but I'm so grateful to have it here and you folks . thank you

I also have a couple of friends who came off benzo's without any problems. I think they can't understand why i am suffering so much. Maybe some genetic differences.

Yes, today as I lay about , I'm forcing myself to remember my little windows . I pray for all of us to have more windows, less waves.

Thanks for your encouragement and for dropping by.

I hope you've been improving more of late mama P.

EO

[EternalOptimist]

Hi ya'll!

 

I'm praying you (and me) are all are getting the support you need and the recovery you want. .

 

Last two weeks have been better then back in it again. I wonder if others question when they're sicker how much is withdrawal and how much is something else. It's hard to believe that we can be so sick from just withdrawal, I can't know because of other health conditions. I wish I had more energy to read more posts here, might find my answers. . I'll look a bit.

 

Do others get setbacks from pushing thru?

 

My mantra of these days: my brain is healing no matter how I'm feeling.l

EO

[mammaP]

Love that mantra!  I think moderation is key here. If I push myself too hard it can set me back but if 

I don't push myself at all I would never get out of bed!  I'm glad you had a couple of weeks of feeling

better, that is amazing! You are right, your brain is healing 

[EternalOptimist]

Hi mama P. Thanks for posting. In the moment it doesn't feel like I'm healing but I have to be otherwise I couldn't do what I do when I get better. The setbacks Feel almost as if there is no progress but here is where I've just got to trust the windows and waves dynamic.

To read that you too have to push to get out of bed but if you push too much you get worse helps me to feel like I'm not alone in this though I'm sorry you go through this too, it's just part of the pattern. I better put the word moderation up on the wall.

Thanks . Best

[EternalOptimist]

Hi

I've a question: is it common in a wave to wonder if you'll be the one to never recover esp when reading of others' recovery?

I get this fearful feeling I'm going to be left behind, alone , afraid, etc. thanks.

During the partial window, by evening life looked doable again.

[mlrp]

I've a question: is it common in a wave to wonder if you'll be the one to never recover esp when reading of others' recovery?

I get this fearful feeling I'm going to be left behind, alone , afraid, etc. thanks.

 

 

It absolutely happens to me, yes. You described it perfectly. In fact, because of this, I am almost always mindful of how people might be affected when I post about my progress, positive developments, or windows. It may have been only days or hours since I would have been on the other side, reading it, and feeling exactly how you describe.

 

Still, I stick with being upbeat in my posts when I'm really feeling it, because it reinforces my belief in my recovery and especially because I want to give hope to others. That such posts might actually cause someone anxiety is yet another ironic, paradoxical evil inherent in these meds.

 

But remember it's the meds making you feel that way. When you get a window (and you will), you'll once again know that to be true.

 

I like what you said earlier - and it reminds me of one of Alex's favorite sayings - your brain IS healing NO MATTER how you're FEELING!

 

Hang tough, EO!

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Mlrp:

Thank you for responding.

Sorry this happens to you or anyone else but relieved to know it's not just in my head.

 

Yes, to be mindful of what we post matters and I think about that when I write my worst posts. I cringe then because I'm so desperate I feel the need to write and yet I hate to scare anyone. Maybe I should post during my windows, yes, I think that's what I should do to balance it out and to help others because it feels so good to be in the window. I admire those who can write a lot here and share so much of their personal journey. I do wonder how many like me are not able to spend much time on the computer. Oh well it is what it is. It will get better. It's afternoon now so I can say that ha ha. :-)

 

So does Alex say the same thing as me that " my brain is healing no matter how I'm feeling" ?

I thought I was so clever coming up with that yet I'm sure others have said that too. LOL

 

Thanks again for the encouragement.

Best to you.

EO

[mlrp]

So does Alex say the same thing as me that " my brain is healing no matter how I'm feeling" ?

I thought I was so clever coming up with that yet I'm sure others have said that too. LOL

 

 Hi, EO,

 

Oh, no, you were quite original with the way that you worded it! I only meant that I credit Alex with helping me remember that healing is always going on "in the background," no matter what. Such an important thought to hold onto when everything seems bleak!

 

I wouldn't fret too much about not being able to spend too much time on the computer. I have to be on one almost all day long for work - plus whatever I do in my spare time. All of that staring into a monitor isn't doing my brain and CNS much good, I'm sure. You're probably better off without it - at least your brain will let you know how much it can handle.

 

...I always feel better in the afternoons, myself. It's a common theme around here.

 

Wishing you a peaceful day.

[EternalOptimist]

Thnx Mlrp For being supportive of my not beng able to be on the computer very long. Kind of you. I wish you A good day and continued progress.

 

This morning head pressure Raw brain, sick feeling, weakness is so intense and going on for so long just makes me wonder if it's something else and I feel so depressed because of it.

But to throw in something positive, I trimmed a bush outside yesterday.

Too, I was able to give good feedback to a service man re: a domestic issue while he was here working on my telephone problems.

Sometimes it is good to find that part of ourselves that was productive at one time come out and function well even if it's brief, it's a glimmer of hope.

EO

[Petunia]

Still, I stick with being upbeat in my posts when I'm really feeling it, because it reinforces my belief in my recovery and especially because I want to give hope to others. That such posts might actually cause someone anxiety is yet another ironic, paradoxical evil inherent in these meds.

 

 

Yes, a paradox indeed, one of the many caused by the effects of these drugs.  When I'm in a wave, I have to avoid anything too upbeat, because in that moment, I can't relate to it, and so it makes me feel more isolated and disconnected.  But a few days later, when the wave has passed, I could read that same post and feel energized with hope.

 

I've a question: is it common in a wave to wonder if you'll be the one to never recover esp when reading of others' recovery?

I get this fearful feeling I'm going to be left behind, alone , afraid, etc. thanks.

 

 

Yes, me too.  I also get the accompanying thoughts of being left behind, alone etc.  When I'm in a wave, its impossible to pull myself out of this kind on negative thinking, so I ease the stress by accepting it, by staying in the moment and 'being ok' with how things are right now.  

 

I'm sorry you are having a bad symptom day, feelings of sadness (depression), are to be expected when going through difficult life circumstances, like we are.  Its difficult coming to terms with the loss of our lives as they were, and not knowing how long recovery will take.  But the return of that productive part of yourself, for a short while, is evidence that 'you' are still there and will return again.

 

Its true that we are healing, no matter how we are feeling, but I wish you better feeling days anyway.

 

Petu.

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Petu:

 

Nice to hear from you.

 

I so appreciate your feedback on how you interpret somebody's progress when you're in a wave as opposed to being in a window. As miserable as it is at least we can blame the drug, the withdrawal, the neuro emotions , any or all of the above. LOL

 

Thanks for your supportive comments. So much grief piled up over so many years. Feel like the memories etc. may be discharging every day, it feels overwhelming. I don't know if it's a good thing to be flooded with the them but they're happening anyway so I'm trying to ride them out. Do you relate or anybody?

 

I'm going to go check out your thread of the last couple days.

Peace and healing,

EO

[EternalOptimist]

Hi cohorts.

 

Feel just awful Ths morning . Raw brain/head Sx....just lifting head off pillow sets off Sx. Wonder if anyone else has this phenom.?

Woke at 3...did tapping, it helped, made and drank camomile tea.

Where's that window?

In Xanax w/d, head Sx got so much better after years and before I went into this ordeal last Fall.

I'm a bit fearful of the intensity and duration of this. Wondering if something else is at play.

Have so many neg memories flashing by,

Hate to be a downer.

 

My positive comment is that I'm still here fighting the good fight. one day closer to recovery.

[Petunia]

So much grief piled up over so many years. Feel like the memories etc. may be discharging every day, it feels overwhelming. I don't know if it's a good thing to be flooded with the them but they're happening anyway so I'm trying to ride them out. Do you relate or anybody?

 

 

For me, part of this withdrawal experience has been like I'm doing an intense trauma releasing program which I never signed up for.  I used to worry about it and get confused and want it to stop.  Every morning for the last 2+ years I've woken up flooded with memories, images, emotions, and vague, abstract impressions from what usually seems like my past.  Its decreased in intensity now, but at times it would go on for hours.  Its been overwhelming for me too, and exhausting.

 

This may sound strange, but I'm starting to feel grateful that this has been happening, I'm seeing it as perhaps a natural deep healing process which my body/mind has spontaneously initiated.  Years and years of repressed painful and frightening memories and  experiences are coming up into the light to be released, so I can finally be free.  This morning I woke to feelings of terror related to abandonment.

 

I've been remembering and releasing things not only from my antidepressant taking years, but from much earlier too, I can't help but see this as a good thing...and as you wrote, its happening anyway.

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Petu:

 

I so appreciate your response to my question about being flooded with negative memories, thoughts, etc.  Is so validating. I'm sure we're not alone. Mornings with the floods are such a challenge.  It is exhausting and overwhelming. I'm sorry you had the initial traumas and now having to process them but I'm hoping this will be a huge part of our full recovery.

 

Maybe I'll be grateful too eventually for this horrendous process if I feel it's cathartic and a major shift to a healthier mind and body. I'm counting on it.  That terror of abandonment is so stressful esp ongoing.  

 

Too, there's the PTSD from w/d we have to process.  eyeyeyeye  so sad we turned for helped which hurt and now we have to go thru it all over again, and again, and again, but the "but" in this is somewhat curative, I hope and pray.

 

My best,

EO

[EternalOptimist]

Hi all.

I don't have much to say, just struggle with severe headaches, more than usual, along with the consistent head pressure and lethargy, just takes everything I've got to do basic chores. I can't figure out how much of this is withdrawal, the previous withdrawal, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc., AD nauseated. I'm exhausted doing this. I'm hanging in there tho a bit discouraged because it seems like it's endless, not Letting up.

I get thru the day by watching a lot of Netflix on the iPad. I'll be okay for a bit and then move my head which sets off the head Sx and I think is this withdrawal or is it something else?

On a positive Note, I do get some relief in the evening thank God.

I wonder if many other people who are otherwise healthy are quite confined?

Best

[Hudgens]

At one time I had many episodes of the memories and regrets symptom. I didn't seem to have any control over them.

But as it turned out, they didn't seem to have any real lasting significance. Once they stop, there

gone like any other symptom.

I think they're just an exaggeration of the occasional old regrets we usually have-that bother us to

some extent, but not to the point of feeling tortured.   

[EternalOptimist]

Thank you Hudgens, it's a relief to read these bothersome memories, negative thoughts have no real lasting significance and they're gone like other sxs when this heck is over.  whew!  

thanks

Best to you.

EO

[EternalOptimist]

Hi

I'm really really concerned. I feel so profoundly ill in the mornings, feeling a sense of numbness now on right side of face, arms and legs feel sick and weird, head pressure relentless, new headaches nearly 6 months off ...

Yesterday I stayed busier than usual in the home and wonder if that contributed to this morning's heck but all mornings are a real challenge still.

Like in xanax w/d, I was too sick for years to even go see a doc and feel that way again tho not sure one could help.

This is scary and discouraging but I am Trying to hang on to some hope.

 

My positive report: accomplished more chores yesterday , unexpected company came by yesterday, lot of activity and managed it tho knew I was pushing.

[tgirl]

Hi, how are you doing?

[EternalOptimist]

Hi Tgirl,

I am happy to report much much better.  I am not sure how much recovered due to the CFIDS and xanax recovery but from this last drug, so much more myself.  I was quite concerned for quite some time how using AD for 9 weeks could take so long to improve but improve I did and am sooooo thankful.

I have also been working with a Homeopathic M.D. and only using one small amount of one remedy..think it is helping too.

Sticking to a Candida diet "mostly", eating organic, working on thoughts, words I think and use, challenging core beliefs and trying to keep life simple, appreciating the small things all help.

I hope this report helps any who reads it.

How are you?

EO

[Petunia]

Thanks for the positive update EO, I'm so glad you are feeling better.  I'm sure this gives hope to anyone who reads it, it has helped me to know that you are much improved.

[tgirl]

How long did withdrawl last for you? Is everything back to normal? I am having a really hard time here. I am very scared. How's your sleep been?

[tgirl]

Cfids?

[EternalOptimist]

Good to hear from you Petu. Thank you for your comments. I am more than pleased if what I wrote has helped you in anyway and anybody else. Sending good wishes for your continued improvement. again, many blessings for all the support you provided as well as the support from everyone else here. It's not forgotten. I'm paying it forward in other places.

 

Tgirl. CFIDS = Chronic Fatigue Immune Dsyfunction Syndrome. This withdrawal has lasted about seven months before I really saw a turn around and that's after taking the drug for nine weeks. Probably difficult because I have a xanax withdrawal history along with the other condition. I don't know what normal is given the other issues but it is back to close to normal for me. I understand your fear. I goy out of it and I've done this twice now. You will you too. Just have to keep the faith, stay the course, there's only one way out, and that's through it. Your job is to hang on for five more minutes, then an hour, then half a day, then a day and so on. A lot of ups and downs... keep coming here for support, it's a wonderful site.

As for my sleep, it's still not good but good enough for now and definitely better than it used to be. I would love to sleep better. I take natural calm, magnesium, during the night to help my body calm down and sleep.

 

I'm still here if anyone wants to ask or check in. Blessings to all.

EO

[tgirl]

How many hours of sleep a night

[Meimeiquest]

EO, I am so, so happy for you. I remember how very ill you were.

[EternalOptimist]

Tgirl..5 1/2 hrs last night...was averaging 4 hrs a lot....now broken but sleep more hrs tho wake up several times. I still feel brainsick in the morning but not to where I think I can't live another minute. This is compounded with the CFS and Xanax withdrawal and even with all that it's getting better.

 

Meimeiquest: hi again. Nice of u to post here. Thank you for your kind remarks. I'm hoping and praying that you too are seeing some substantial improvement. All my best to you.

[tgirl]

Eo, how many hours of sleep a night are you getting? I'm glad your doig well.

[tgirl]

Thank you EO, I appreciate your help. I feel so alone right now and scared. Where do you live? I am in the states. I have a husband and a 16 year old son. But, I still feel alone. They have no idea what I'm going through. I'm trying to be a big girl but it's soo hard. I'm so scared. I was given remeron for depression. It worked for about 4 months and one day I woke up and my anxiety went through the roof. My pdoc said I have to come off it. He took me from 45 to 7.5 in about 3 weeks.I like you did keep saying to my self, I can't live like this. Followed my suicidal thoughts. I have never done a drug in my life before this nor do I drink. I'm so jealous of my husband and son who can sleep peacefulI really appreciate your help. Keep it comming.

[EternalOptimist]

T girl, hang on hang on and hang on some more, trust this process, I can't say more right now as I'm running out the house to take a friend to BART. I live in the East Bay of the San Francisco Bay area. More later

[tgirl]

How are you doing EO? I'm having a really rough time right now. I don't think I will make it out of this.