Addax: 30 years with Fluoxetine and tapering

[Addax]

11 hours ago, Thorin said:

Just think. One day this will all be a horrible memory. Eventually you’ll probably barely think about it. Life will have its ups and downs but they’ll mostly be within the normal bounds of experience rather than the actuate overwhelming hell that is withdrawal. You’re being very strong my friend and in the not too distant future you won’t have to worry about this anymore.

I can wait for that day. No doubt none of us can, yeah?  Imagine normal ups and downs rather than windows and waves!!  Thank you for the kind words. It never feels like I’m being strong… but I guess it’s easier to recognize other people’s strengths.  I often find myself thinking, “To go through this withdrawal horribleness while also working to process and heal from trauma… THAT, my friend, takes great tenacity and strength.  

 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm convinced that feeling of never getting better is related to the WD process and just another uncomfortable part of healing.  I can't control it any more than I can control wanting to itch a sunburn.

Yes! All day long. It’s a shared experience by so many people here. I actually have come to think of it and refer to it as a withdrawal symptom in and of itself.  
 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I don't know how I managed, really, but somehow I did.  I had to give up trying to be employee of the month while I taper.  Ain't happening.  A grade of C is still passing, so that's going to have to be good enough.  I'm chalking this up in the Win column for you and me both!

You did! And yeah, it’s hard to know how sometimes. I’m actually surprised I didn’t reinstate a little. I was feeling pretty desperate for a moment. I think rather than striving to even pass I just found things I can do that let me stay below the radar.  My work can be pretty solitary sometimes to the point of being isolating if I didn’t share office space. Usually I don’t love the solitary days, but the last few weeks solitary = solitude, so I was thankful for it.

 

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm happy to remind you that this too shall pass, my friend! 

Thank you, J1290. If I have the wherewithal during my next wave, I will seek you out. 
 

2 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

You are doing amazingly even though you might not see it or feel it, a progress is being made. So proud of how far you have come.

Thank you for this. Sometimes I lose track of how far I’ve come. I also need to take stock of the fact that my dose is lower now than it was when things went sideways for me in 2014. It’s lower and I’m okay. When I think of it like that I’m wicked hopeful 

[Hanna72]

6 minutes ago, Addax said:

Sometimes I lose track of how far I’ve come. I also need to take stock of the fact that my dose is lower now than it was when things went sideways for me in 2014. It’s lower and I’m okay.

Exactly @Addax You have grown and learned a lot through all this, which has made you exactly were you are today. I am also learning a lot through this all. And when we feel there is a big mountain to climb, we need to know we are more then capable like anybody else who is not on any “ medication” to reach the top💪

[Thorin]

22 minutes ago, Addax said:

I can wait for that day. No doubt none of us can, yeah?  Imagine normal ups and downs rather than windows and waves!!  

I have glimpses into this world every now and again. It seems wonderful. It still feels like a long way off but maybe not! Just re-read your starting post. You have coke SUCH a long way. You’re definitely a fighter. You should be proud!

 

23 minutes ago, Addax said:

To go through this withdrawal horribleness while also working to process and heal from trauma…

This is not easy…. But what are the other options? Stay numbed out and deal with the side effects of meds? The other alternatives aren’t even alternatives. We have no choice. But it does indeed take strength. That doesn’t not diminish anyone else’s journey in any way. And you will absolutely have your own trauma from their tapering journey. All humans have trauma of some sort….

 

25 minutes ago, Addax said:

THAT, my friend, takes great tenacity and strength.  

Thank you Addax. Sometimes people need to hear that stuff and when heard at the right time you just soak it up like a sponge. Thank you.

 

26 minutes ago, Addax said:

Yes! All day long. It’s a shared experience by so many people here. I actually have come to think of it and refer to it as a withdrawal symptom in and of itself.  

That hopelessness, fear and despair HAS to be a WD symptom. Nothing else makes us feel like that…..

 

keep on keeping on my friend. It’s a hard road boat you are most definitely doing it and you’re most of the way there. Look how far you’ve come!

[Addax]

I hate morning anxiety. I’m very much stable - WD normal if you will. But this morning anxiety is awful and maddening. It fades to nothing at some point; doing so more quickly on the days I go into the office than on the days I work from home. However, upon waking to it, it just sucks. It’s gotten worse or more noticeable as the sun is rising earlier. It just so sucks because I go to bed feeling well and feeling like and thinking that I’ll wake up feeling just as well. Nope. 4:30 AM and the anxious feeling rolls in. What has changed since the wave passed is that there are no particular thoughts attached to the anxiety. No ruminating (other than about the feeling itself - or cursing it, anyway). It’s essentially just the physical experience of anxiety. 
 

I know from experience that a sleep mask is helpful. It made a significant difference in the intensity of the morning Cortisol surges I experienced in the past. So why have I not implemented the mask this time? The only answers I can come up with is that I’m either an idiot, or my optimism at bedtime interferes with my judgment.  
 

I have also developed a bad habit of watching a movie to “help” me fall asleep. During this last wave and even a little before, I would watch a movie I was very familiar with. The predictability helped ease anxiety and the movie itself helped distract me from my anxious thoughts and provided relief from ruminating.  So I need to stop that. It’s almost like I’m fearful that my anxious thoughts will get the better of me, so I’m now using the movie watching as a preventative. I have an anxiety provoking work task tomorrow. One that evokes anxiety during the week leading up to it and as I prepare for it. I’m hoping this waking anxiety BS will subside after tomorrow… at least until the next month when I have to perform the task again under an even higher stress situation. ARG!
 

[Thorin]

3 minutes ago, Addax said:

I hate morning anxiety. I’m very much stable - WD normal if you will. But this morning anxiety is awful and maddening. It fades to nothing at some point; doing so more quickly on the days I go into the office than on the days I work from home. However, upon waking to it, it just sucks. It’s gotten worse or more noticeable as the sun is rising earlier. It just so sucks because I go to bed feeling well and feeling like and thinking that I’ll wake up feeling just as well. Nope. 4:30 AM and the anxious feeling rolls in. What has changed since the wave passed is that there are no particular thoughts attached to the anxiety. No ruminating (other than about the feeling itself - or cursing it, anyway). It’s essentially just the physical experience of anxiety. 
 

I know from experience that a sleep mask is helpful. It made a significant difference in the intensity of the morning Cortisol surges I experienced in the past. So why have I not implemented the mask this time? The only answers I can come up with is that I’m either an idiot, or my optimism at bedtime interferes with my judgment.  
 

I have also developed a bad habit of watching a movie to “help” me fall asleep. During this last wave and even a little before, I would watch a movie I was very familiar with. The predictability helped ease anxiety and the movie itself helped distract me from my anxious thoughts and provided relief from ruminating.  So I need to stop that. It’s almost like I’m fearful that my anxious thoughts will get the better of me, so I’m now using the movie watching as a preventative. I have an anxiety provoking work task tomorrow. One that evokes anxiety during the week leading up to it and as I prepare for it. I’m hoping this waking anxiety BS will subside after tomorrow… at least until the next month when I have to perform the task again under an even higher stress situation. ARG!
 

I don’t know if you can do it but my partner fitted black out curtains when I was at my worst of waking with early morning fear. They did help in that i didn’t see the Sun as early and would sleep for longer. Hope this resolves itself for you soon!

[j1290]

8 hours ago, Addax said:

It just so sucks because I go to bed feeling well and feeling like and thinking that I’ll wake up feeling just as well

I can so relate to this.  Everything is fine at night, so things must have turned a corner, right?  Just a friendly reminder that it does go away, but it is no fun to start the day getting rocked like that.   I wear a sleep mask out of habit.  After a while it's second nature.  This is my favorite one.  

 

One of the things that helps a little with task related anxiety my therapist taught me.  He said to engage logic, ask myself if I've done this task before, was it successful, how many times have I done it, etc etc.  It may only last for a few minutes, but I always feel a little better when I do that.  

 

Hang tight, Addax, you got this!

[Addax]

On 5/31/2023 at 3:02 PM, j1290 said:

I wear a sleep mask out of habit.

I decided to stop being silly and wore my mask to sleep. I think part of the reason I have not put it on is because it reminds me of my WD experience in 2014.  But it did help! It probably would have been more effective if I didn’t lift it up every 5 minutes, beginning at 4:30 AM, to see if the sun was coming up, what time it was and to check it it was working.  I’m ridiculous and silly 😜 🤣.   I’ll try again tonight. 
 

I hear what you mean about thinking about the task. I try to do some positive self talk and remind myself I know what I’m doing and been successful at doing so far… Unfortunately, the nervous anticipation and performance anxiety usually get the better of me. Of course the relief when I’m finished is… well, like a sneeze that had a lot of build up 🙂.

Edited June 1, 2023 by Addax

[j1290]

2 minutes ago, Addax said:

It probably would have been more effective if I didn’t lift it up every 5 minutes, beginning at 4:30 AM, to see if the sun was coming up,

😄🤣😂 The facemask peek?!?  Yeah I do that all the time and it bugs the heck out of me LOL I've got a love-hate relationship with mine.  I tear it off out of frustration to do something and then panic when I can't find where it went.   🤷‍♂️

 

13 minutes ago, Addax said:

I’m ridiculous and silly 😜 🤣

Qualities that I find absolutely priceless and in short supply in general, much less tapering.   Wouldn't have it any other way!😎

[Thorin]

44 minutes ago, Addax said:

I decided to stop being silly and wore my mask to sleep. I think part of the reason I have not put it on is because it reminds me of my WD experience in 2014.  But it did help! It probably would have been more effective if I didn’t lift it up every 5 minutes, beginning at 4:30 AM, to see if the sun was coming up, what time it was and to check it it was working.  I’m ridiculous and silly 😜 🤣.   I’ll try again tonight. 

Oh man are you me? 😂😂😂😂

[Addax]

10 hours ago, Thorin said:

Oh man are you me? 😂😂😂😂

It’s possible, yeah? No one has ever seen us in the same place at the same time. 🤯😆

[Addax]

11 hours ago, j1290 said:

11 hours ago, Addax said:

I’m ridiculous and silly 😜 🤣

Qualities that I find absolutely priceless and in short supply in general, much less tapering.

True. But I think I like those qualities in other people better. 😉

[Thorin]

3 minutes ago, Addax said:

It’s possible, yeah? No one has ever seen us in the same place at the same time. 🤯😆

Holy **** you’re right! I’VE never even seen you and me in the same place 😮

[Addax]

Despite the morning cortisol spikes... which I absolutely hate, give that they are short-lived and I'm generally a-o-k the rest of the day, I opted to drop down today. 6.6mg to 6.5mg. I have to use two syringes, which is tedious, but it's all kinda tedious anyway... And given the recent rough patch, I'm confident it'll be worth it. 

 

0.1mg drops it is!

 

[Addax]

Okay… so maybe I should have waited a bit longer to drop. It’s hard to know with fluoxetine’s long half-life whether I’m feeling this last drop or one from a month ago.

 

I thought it would be a good time to drop. I was feeling very good despite those cortisol bursts in the morning, and I was leaving for vacation, so stressors would be left behind for a bit. However, about 3 days after my tiny drop some emotional lability and irritability kicked in and is sticking around, along with bothersome thoughts about people not liking me or respecting me but won’t say why. That’s clearly depressive thinking… or the mimicking of depression as withdrawal can do. 

I’m trying to keep in mind that this is my irrational wave-brain perspective, and reminding myself to doubt my thoughts right now… but here I am, once again believing that the buck stops where I am now and I’ll likely be stuck where I am - blue, labile, and will never get off this f***ing medication.  The very same thoughts I was having just before the end of the last wave, right up until the wave lifted and I hit baseline again.  I mean, I know, intellectually, that what I’m feeling and thinking is time limited… but my brain won’t let me believe it. 

My intellect: “This will pass. It always does. Just not as quickly as I want.”

 

My brain in withdrawal: “Nah. You’re wrong. This time is different. You’re stuck. You’ll just feel horrible forever this time and it may get worse.”

 

My intellect: “See, but I know you’re wrong. FACTS show me you’re wrong.”

 

My brain in withdrawal: “I’m pretty confident this time is different and you’re stuck.”

 

My intellect: “Maybe you are right. There is no evidence to support that you’re right, but maybe this time you are… despite you being wrong ALL the other times.”

 

… and on like that until the end of the wave. SO f***ing annoying. 
 

 

[j1290]

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

My intellect: “Maybe you are right. There is no evidence to support that you’re right, but maybe this time you are… despite you being wrong ALL the other times.”

You summed it all up beautifully.  It's not permanent, never been permanent, no evidence to think it will be yet every time I'm 100% convinced it is, + whatever disastervision ending to the story my mind can think up.  

I try to Dr. Claire Weekes it and ride it out, make ripples not waves, but it's easier said than done.  

 

I feel like I'm in that movie Memento and I need to tattoo Don't Believe His Lies on my arm or something 😄

 

Maybe I'll just print out your dialogue and put it on my mirror instead 😊

 

I try to remember that each cut gets me a little closer to the end of this tapering journey, and then I don't have to deal with this anymore haha

[Addax]

14 hours ago, j1290 said:

It's not permanent, never been permanent, no evidence to think it will be yet every time I'm 100% convinced it is, + whatever disastervision ending to the story my mind can think up.  

And to add to the evidence that by withdrawal brain is always wrong and my intellectual brain knows it’s ****… as of dinner time last night the irritability, lability was down a solid 50%, way less concerned about what other people think of me (near normal level of concern, I guess), feeling overall better. I was afraid the improvements I felt last night would disappear overnight and I’d wake to a cortisol burst, and the funk, irritability, and negative thoughts would be back. I was relieved when I woke to no burst, and pretty much where I left off last night. Not back to WD normal yet, but SO much relief.  
 

So, I made it passed the deepest part of the wave, albeit, feeling a little silly that for the umpteenth time I was nearly completely convinced of the worst… again.  And I’m confident this won’t be the last time. ((Sigh))
 

[j1290]

7 hours ago, Addax said:

I was afraid the improvements I felt last night would disappear overnight

This gave me a chuckle.  Can relate!😊

7 hours ago, Addax said:

Not back to WD normal yet, but SO much relief.  

Nothing like WD to make me appreciate feeling somewhat normal.  The lability is tough to work around in polite society.   

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

feeling a little silly that for the umpteenth time I was nearly completely convinced of the worst… again

The fantastic news is that its passed(yay!) and things are continuing routinely.   Sounds like a W.   We can discuss this again, same time next month! 😄🙃😂  It's all so ridiculous, isn't it?  The less serious I take it the better off I am.  One foot in front of the other, we're getting closer to zero.  

[Addax]

14 hours ago, j1290 said:

We can discuss this again, same time next month! 😄🙃😂 

🤣 This made me laugh out loud for real. It also left me very thankful. Thank you for this, @j1290.

[Addax]

New rule for me: “Just say no to cannabis.” - documenting the experience.

 

I am by no means a regular user of cannabis. Maybe once every few months, if that, and not very much. However, after this last partaking, I’ll not being be using it again for the foreseeable future.  Perhaps a second wave would have blindsided me anyway, but the timing just makes me wary enough that it’s not worth the risk. This wave appears to be tapering off as of this morning. I’d guesstimate I’m at the 42 hour mark, with it starting the morning after use. What was different about this one is that as i was engulfed by the deep part of the wave I couldn’t mask it. My husband could see it in my silent withdrawal. I went through the motions of the very nice day, but was very much disconnected from it and feeling very down and angry and just wanting to curl up in a deep chair and not talk or interact at all. Everything I did and said yesterday was forced, and I had to suppress some angry, poorly timed comments.  Unfortunately, my husband, for the first time, discounted the relationship between smoking and symptoms and responded to my explanation as it it were ridiculous because of the apparent delay between smoking and the onset of the wave. “Delay” to him because I was able to mask the earliest onset of depression and irritability. And he didn’t seem to believe me when I explained that to him. This is the first time he’s been dismissive of my experience and it was hurtful. But my emotional responses are probably still exaggerated. 
 

This morning is much better. Not great, but better, and if I’m only minimally listening to the whispers of my withdrawal brain. I’m fairly confident I’ll continue to feel better as my the cortisol wanes throughout the day.  It’s a great sign that my more rational intellectual part of my brain is currently louder than my cruel, lying, withdrawal brain, that mother-F***er!
 

The strain of Cannabis I use has usually had the effect of relaxing me and acted as a sleep aid.  Still did that, but the potential cost now outweighs the benefit.  
 

I gave up alcohol a while ago, which I drank very infrequently anyway and was limited to a glass of wine. I have cut down on caffeine; something I thought I would never do. If I have to cut back on cake and cupcakes, I’m not sure I’ll make it through. 🫤

 

With my adjust taper being  0.1mg every 2-3 weeks and the likelihood that the cuts will become more infrequent and perhaps smaller as my dose gets lower, I’m looking at a solid 3 years to get to zero.  Sounds like forever right now. But 3 years will come to pass, regardless, right?

 

I have been reading a lot about cortisol and emotional regulation and depression… it’s mostly related to PTSD, borderline personality disorder (often considered a developmental trauma response), and depression. From what I’m reading I think it could be applied to AD withdrawal… I’ll write more on that in a bit. It so interesting!

[Fifree]

On 6/11/2023 at 9:32 PM, Addax said:

I went through the motions of the very nice day, but was very much disconnected from it and feeling very down and angry and just wanting to curl up in a deep chair and not talk or interact at all. Everything I did and said yesterday was forced, and I had to suppress some angry, poorly timed comments.  Unfortunately, my husband, for the first time, discounted the relationship between smoking and symptoms and responded to my explanation as it it were ridiculous because of the apparent delay between smoking and the onset of the wave. “Delay” to him because I was able to mask the earliest onset of depression and irritability. And he didn’t seem to believe me when I explained that to him. This is the first time he’s been dismissive of my experience and it was hurtful.

So sorry to hear you're going through this Addax. The depression/irritability is something else and I'm sorry to hear your husband dismissed your explanation. It sure can be a lonely place this WD. Grateful to all of good peeps here to share it with.

[j1290]

I just had to tell you, I was unironically writing in my notes today "will this ever end?!?" and our conversations clicked in my head and I wrote "Yes!!!"  Not gonna lie, it really helped snap me out of it 😆 

[Addax]

@j1290, it will! The proof is in the pudding (that’s how they saying goes, right?) I just hit wd normal/baseline yesterday. More evidence… that I’ll ignore for 1.75 weeks after the next drop when I’m convinced it nearly won’t end…  😄

 

I‘ll know it’s Groundhog Day again, but my brain won’t.

[Addax]

Back at baseline. Phew! 
I wish I new whether the wave was a direct result of the reduction that preceded it a few day before it hit, or if it’s a remnant of some previous reduction. It seems like the wave is related to the drop just before the onset of the wave, but it doesn’t seem like it would come on that quickly given the fluoxetine’s whole long half life thing. I’ll probably hold an extra week (four total) because I have another stressful work task coming up, along with preparation for it.  
 

 

[Addax]

Dropped to 6.4mg yesterday. I was going to stick at 6.5 for another week and a half, however, based on recent identified patterns, I have enough time to “feel” the drop and recover before I have to prepare and face a high stress work task. I understand that I’m taking a risk given the unpredictability of withdrawal symptom onset, but I feel fairly confident about the timing. Plus I was getting annoyed having to use two syringes to get to the .5 of 6.5 😄.  
 

I ended up not finding the brassmonkey slide to be a good fit. Because of Fluoxetine’s long half-life, I felt like I couldn’t identify which drop triggered the onset or worsening of symptoms, which made me uneasy. Was it last weeks drop? Or a drop 5 weeks ago? Seeing how long I’ve held after the last two drops, and that it feels like I’ve detected a pattern (if you can call it a pattern given the short period I identified it), I think I’ll transition back to monthly decreases. However, the drops will likely be less than 10%. I’ll asses again after this next stressful work task is done and I have a solid break on time before the next upheaval. 
 

This last week has been a bit funky. I’ve remained at baseline or better, however, there have been a few mornings where I woke up feeling pretty terrible. Not quite cortisol surges, but a kind of dread and depression the lasts 5-10 minutes. Less if I force myself out of bed and get moving. Then it’s just gone. I don’t do the description justice. It really is a horrible 5-10 minutes.  The other issue has been orthostatic hypotension. Every, single time I stand up after lying on the sofa it kicks in hard.  I’ve always had low blood pressure, and orthostatic hypotension has always been a thing here and there. I’ve suspected it’s been exacerbated by fluoxetine, but regardless, cardiology tests show no abnormalities, so it’s just a thing I have. It’s  just been so severe lately. I’ll see if upping my fluid intake helps.
 

As an aside, I have had bouts of pretty significant bradycardia, which can be attributed to fluoxetine.  However, since hitting peri-menopause, and since I transitioned from running to walking my heart rate seems to have remained well in the normal range. So some good news about being middle age and reducing exercise intensity! 😃

 

Stable with occasional wobbles. That’s my entry for today.  
 

 

[Addax]

Tomorrow will be a week since my drop to 6.4 mg.  It's gone fairly well.  I'm mostly a-o-k.  There has been an increase in the intensity of waking anxiety and a slight increase in vulnerability to feeling anxious in response to minor triggers. There has been some body tension at night, including a bout of akathisia last night as I started to get sleepy. It settles in my upper back and I shift and twist to try and find relief, but it doesn't actually help. It subsided as soon as I got into bed and switched on a movie to fall asleep to.  It sounds worse than it is, and I know I'm feeling more anxious today because I return to work tomorrow after having four days off.  There's always an uptick in my anxiety and low energy on Sundays - the day before I go back to work.  It's just a little bit worse during tapering and withdrawal.   And as I mentioned, I have some anxiety-provoking tasks in two weeks that I have to prepare for this week and next, that are currently thrown into the mix.  So I'll be holding at 6.4 for no less than three weeks, at which point I will assess again whether to hold longer.  Again, my goal is to get to 5 mg and hold there for a good long time, regardless of whether my symptoms abate. 

 

I'm still getting intermittently frustrated by how slowly I have to taper to avoid withdrawal symptoms... as much as possible anyway.   It wasn't so bad when I could use capsules and didn't have to measure out to 0.1 or 0.2mg.  I could just pop it into my mouth along with my daily vitamins. The tedium of making the 1ml;1mg solution, measuring it out daily, having to pack the liquid and syringes, and making sure I pack the bottle and it and carry it in such a way that it doesn't spill, whenever I go anywhere for more than a day, grates on me. I want it to be mindless like it was before the smaller increments... just get a script for thirty 6.4mg capsules, then 6.3mg, and on like that, and pop 'em in my mouth with my vitamins.  I'd just have to think about it when I went to pick up the next 30-day supply. 

 

So in short - I'm generally doing well. I don't want my time off to end, and I want tapering to be simpler and thoughtless.  Oh! And I want to be able to eat as many cupcakes as I want without gaining weight.  

 

 

[Thorin]

5 hours ago, Addax said:

Tomorrow will be a week since my drop to 6.4 mg.  It's gone fairly well.  I'm mostly a-o-k.  There has been an increase in the intensity of waking anxiety and a slight increase in vulnerability to feeling anxious in response to minor triggers. There has been some body tension at night, including a bout of akathisia last night as I started to get sleepy. It settles in my upper back and I shift and twist to try and find relief, but it doesn't actually help. It subsided as soon as I got into bed and switched on a movie to fall asleep to.  It sounds worse than it is, and I know I'm feeling more anxious today because I return to work tomorrow after having four days off.  There's always an uptick in my anxiety and low energy on Sundays - the day before I go back to work.  It's just a little bit worse during tapering and withdrawal.   And as I mentioned, I have some anxiety-provoking tasks in two weeks that I have to prepare for this week and next, that are currently thrown into the mix.  So I'll be holding at 6.4 for no less than three weeks, at which point I will assess again whether to hold longer.  Again, my goal is to get to 5 mg and hold there for a good long time, regardless of whether my symptoms abate. 

 

I'm still getting intermittently frustrated by how slowly I have to taper to avoid withdrawal symptoms... as much as possible anyway.   It wasn't so bad when I could use capsules and didn't have to measure out to 0.1 or 0.2mg.  I could just pop it into my mouth along with my daily vitamins. The tedium of making the 1ml;1mg solution, measuring it out daily, having to pack the liquid and syringes, and making sure I pack the bottle and it and carry it in such a way that it doesn't spill, whenever I go anywhere for more than a day, grates on me. I want it to be mindless like it was before the smaller increments... just get a script for thirty 6.4mg capsules, then 6.3mg, and on like that, and pop 'em in my mouth with my vitamins.  I'd just have to think about it when I went to pick up the next 30-day supply. 

 

So in short - I'm generally doing well. I don't want my time off to end, and I want tapering to be simpler and thoughtless.  Oh! And I want to be able to eat as many cupcakes as I want without gaining weight.  

 

 

I totally get the frustration of having to make a suspension, measure out the right dose, pack it carefully etc. it drives me crazy and makes me feel like a prisoner!

 

Can you not eat as many cupcakes as you want and not gain weight? Well that would explain a lot for me. Wish someone had mentioned this earlier!

[j1290]

7 hours ago, Addax said:

There has been an increase in the intensity of waking anxiety and a slight increase in vulnerability to feeling anxious in response to minor triggers.

How well I can relate to that!  The anxiety response to minor triggers is also super frustrating.    Have you found these to get easier as you've tapered?  Mine definitely have, but even a little bit of those symptoms goes a long way to disrupting my day.  

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

The tedium of making the 1ml;1mg solution, measuring it out daily, having to pack the liquid and syringes, and making sure I pack the bottle and it and carry it in such a way that it doesn't spill, whenever I go anywhere for more than a day, grates on me.

I tried to travel with a liquid dose yesterday and it was OK, just awkward because I didn't have a holder that fit.  I just ordered some 15ml leakproof test tubes and holders from Amazon, I'm thinking that might be easier for travel.   Worth a shot.  I tell myself this isn't forever, sooner or later I'll be done with this nonsense.  

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

I don't want my time off to end, and I want tapering to be simpler and thoughtless.  Oh! And I want to be able to eat as many cupcakes as I want without gaining weight.  

x 2 😁

[Addax]

18 hours ago, j1290 said:

The anxiety response to minor triggers is also super frustrating.    Have you found these to get easier as you've tapered?

I have to say, maybe? Perhaps the intensity of the accompanying thoughts has decreased, but with an increase in the physical symptoms of anxiety. Like the akathasia... Not anxiety per se, but it feels like anxiety and causes angst. I prefer the physical to the mental/emotional.  It's easier to dismiss as withdrawal related. 

 

18 hours ago, j1290 said:

I just ordered some 15ml leakproof test tubes and holders from Amazon

 

This is an awesome idea. I'm going to follow your lead.  We are planning a couple night backpacking trip in the fall and the tubes might be perfect.

 

... I know it's not forever, and two or three years will come to pass whether I'm tapering or not. I just wish it were more mindless. 

[Addax]

Keep forgetting to mention that I started using a sleep mask again. I have no clue why it took me so long being that I know from experience how helpful it is. It’s nothing fancy but it completely blocks out the morning light. It has been enormously helpful in significantly taking the edge off the the morning cortisol surge/panic. Waking up to birds rather than light is the way to go. That said, I think the morning panic has mostly subsided at this point. I’m going to stick with the mask for awhile, regardless. 

Edited July 9, 2023 by Addax

[j1290]

On 7/5/2023 at 12:56 PM, Addax said:

I have to say, maybe? Perhaps the intensity of the accompanying thoughts has decreased, but with an increase in the physical symptoms of anxiety. Like the akathasia... Not anxiety per se, but it feels like anxiety and causes angst. I prefer the physical to the mental/emotional.  It's easier to dismiss as withdrawal related. 

I love the way you put that.  I'm with you, it's much easier to accept the physical stuff.  

 

On 7/5/2023 at 12:56 PM, Addax said:

This is an awesome idea. I'm going to follow your lead.  We are planning a couple night backpacking trip in the fall and the tubes might be perfect.

Tubes were kinda meh.   They seem very watertight, but the holder was super loose, but maybe that's just how they are?  I think they'll work well enough though.   

 

On 7/5/2023 at 12:56 PM, Addax said:

 

... I know it's not forever, and two or three years will come to pass whether I'm tapering or not. I just wish it were more mindless. 

you said it, time is going to pass regardless, but I can choose to taper or not.  I'll forget all this process after I get to zero, hopefully.   I hear you, having to jump through hoops just to figure out dosing adds insult to injury.   

 

3 hours ago, Addax said:

That said, I think the morning panic has mostly subsided at this point. I’m going to stick with the mask for awhile, regardless. 

Congrats on the morning panic!   I wouldn't wish that on anyone.   I just got a new mask myself, I love these things.   

[Addax]

8 hours ago, j1290 said:

Tubes were kinda meh.   They seem very watertight, but the holder was super loose, but maybe that's just how they are?  I think they'll work well enough though.

I ended up going with these: 10ml tubes. They seem like t he’ll do the trick. The cap is tight and I filled a few, shook them and left them in various positions for a few days. No leaks. I have to travel for a couple days for work. My plan is to fill three with 6.4ml each. Like little shots of Fluoxetine in the morning.

 

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

I just got a new mask myself, I love these things.   

Me too! There are so many different kinds out there. The other day I spent way too much time combing through choices only to give up and just use the one I have. No bells or whistles, no particular comfort features, but it does the trick.

[j1290]

7 hours ago, Addax said:

and I filled a few, shook them and left them in various positions for a few days. No leaks.

Are you me?  I've been doing the same thing with mine 😆  I like yours a lot, maybe I'll switch over.   

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

My plan is to fill three with 6.4ml each. Like little shots of Fluoxetine in the morning.

Fifree turned me on to the AD shooters idea.  I've loved them.  It's a little fiddly on a trip, but to be honest taking ADs on vacation has always been a PITA as I've always had trouble remembering to take them or running out or something, so no big deal.  Plus it's just fun to do shooters.  Like something out of a nightclub in the 80's, they'd have people selling these test tubes full of liquor.  Good times 🤣

 

7 hours ago, Addax said:

The other day I spent way too much time combing through choices only to give up and just use the one I have.

LOL!!!!  I had to do the same a few weeks ago.  There's wayyyyy too many.  Luckily I picked a good one.  My compression hat doubles as a sleep mask in a pinch but there's nothing like a real one.  

[Addax]

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

Fifree turned me on to the AD shooters idea. 

Well, thank you to @Fifree, then! 😃

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

Plus it's just fun to do shooters.  Like something out of a nightclub in the 80's, they'd have people selling these test tubes full of liquor.  Good times 🤣

I’m looking forward to it. Maybe I’ll mix it with cranberry juice and call the cran-zac shooters (cran-zac is a term Alto made up for mixing cranberry juice and Prozac).  They’d have been big in the 80’s for sure!

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

My compression hat doubles as a sleep mask in a pinch but there's nothing like a real one.

I looked up the headache hats. They look pretty great. I like that you can chill them, and the compression seems like it would be comforting.  It’s great that you found them and they provide you relief!

 

 

[j1290]

2 hours ago, Addax said:

cranberry juice and call the cran-zac shooters

That's hilarious.  What a great idea!  We're going to be having these on the rocks with a lemon twist before you know it 🤣

[Fifree]

10 hours ago, Addax said:

Well, thank you to @Fifree, then! 😃

No worries at all. I give the credit to Mamgu before me. Littlebird named them shooters 🤣

 

10 hours ago, Addax said:

cran-zac shooters

I hadn't heard "cranzac" before. I have been just chugging my Lexapro with water but this sounds like such a great way to elevate the shooters! Anyone have any suggestions for Lexapro and apple juice? Apple-pro sounds like something new coming out of Cupertino (or already did?) so that's not gonna work...  Really need @littlebird's genius here.

[Addax]

Have felt stable with a few days of feeling almost better than WD normal. This has been true leading up to the high stress work related task and the day afterward.  The day off, I was definitely feeling anxious and shaky in the morning. I have no idea if I would have felt differently if not for withdrawal. Maybe the waking anxiety and shakiness wouldn’t have been there. The anxiety, however, is par for the course, so who knows. 
 

Now I have a chunk of time before the next stressor, so I made a cut from 6.4 to 6.3mg 3 weeks after my last drop.  A week earlier than I’d planned, but I’m letting my brain and body guide me along with sticking with the very small drops. Always a risk, and I dislike risking the loss of feel so well, but I’m cautiously optimistic that it’ll be okay with the decrease in amount and frequency of cuts (as opposed to the brassmonkey slide). 
 

Some cool news. I purchased some 10ml tubes with caps that are reported not to leak to put pre-measured amounts of the fluoxetine solution in so I wouldn’t have to travel with a bottle and syringe and measure out the amount each morning. The whole measuring thing is so tedious, and I’ve grown increasingly resentful of the process, especially when I have to use two syringes to make up the 0.1 difference since my other syringe only has tics at 0.2. It worked awesome! I tested the tubes and seal for several days prior to my trip, leaving a few, filled with water in various positions and carrying one in my purse. No leaks! And there were no leaks during the trip. Each morning I emptied the tube with the pre-measured amount into my mouth, filled it with water and drank that too, and was done. It was awesome!! I knew I’d be stressed and that I might lose track of whether I drank the liquid so I labeled each with a day of the week. 
 

It was so easy, and so mindless not having to measure and keep track daily, that I have decided that I will do that from here on out. Measure out seven days, just like the pill organizer I use for my vitamins. At 6.3 I’d be using 2 syringes… now it’ll just be a quick shot of liquid along with my vitamins. Such a silly thing to become excited about. 
 

These are the tubes via Amazon (USA): 10ml tubes with caps

 

One other thing I notice about my anxiety in anticipation of this recent stressful task is that I wasn’t distracted by an increase in fatigue. Over the last couple years I would become so stressed that I would intermittently have to nap. I thought it was an unconscious attempt at avoidance, however, I also know that paratroopers often yawn in anticipation of having to jump out of airplanes, and stress is very taxing (hence what they call adrenaline dumps following high stress situations/events). So my guess is that these smaller, less frequent cuts allows have allowed my body to adjust and regulate more efficiently and effectively. 
 

I’m nervous after every cut. Fingers crossed I don’t feel the cut, or that it’s a very, very mild response. 🤞