☼ dan998: Cold turkey, reinstatement and tapering citalopram

[direstraits]

great post,Dan-thanks

[ladybug99]

This is wonderful to read, Dan! Your uplifting thoughts are a sure sign of healing! You're getting there! Perhaps you'll be able to start tapering soon. Wouldn't that be great! I hope I'm right behind you. My anxiety seems to wax and wane all day long.

 

Ummm...about no-one noticing you in underpants?...ummmm, i think they will! Lol!

[Dan998]

Thanks Bug,

 

If things stay as they are, then I'm just gonna get on with it. Perhaps do a little cut of 5% and see how I get on. 

[Flowers]

Fantastic post Dan . Really cheered me up. Thank you!

[Dan998]

I have a serious craving for an ice cold beer, haven't been drunk in ages. Think I read somewhere that alcohol abuse was a side effect of citalopram? I'd do it, but don't want to undo months of stabilisation. Psychotropics suck!

[Dan998]

I do occasionally have a pint or two without ill effects, but right now I've got the urge to get absolutely smashed! Is this a wdl symptom?

[LoveandLight]

No! Maybe cos we know it's forbidden? Lol

[Dan998]

Don't do this, don't do that...It's like being a child again. 

[Flowers]

Know what you mean Dan this weather lends itself to drinking something alcoholic, long and cool!!

 

I always enjoyed a large G&T when I got home from working all day or maybe a glass or two of wine. When I crashed and during the  months that followed I didn't fancy any alcohol at all! I felt like I was drunk anyway!

 

Now I am feeling better I would love to endulge but just won't risk it! I do sometimes have an alcohol free beer which is Ok if served very cold. I think they may have a little alcohol in them but I haven't suffered any ill effects and only ever have one. Humph!

 

Looks like our getting smashed is going to have to wait a while doesn't it?

[hopefullearningpatience]

I am kind of in the same boat as you...but my withdrawal started with an "Effexor-like" drug called Tramadol. I went off of it cold turkey.

 

My doctor thought I was having recurring anxiety, which is not true because the anxiety that comes with withdrawal is CRAZY, not real anxiety.

 

I am on my 5th week of Citalopram, and would prefer not to take it anymore because I don't think it is really helping.

 

But I make myself do things too, and I am not sure to know when I have "stabilized" to know when I should start to taper?

 

I have waves and windows...

[hopefullearningpatience]

I've been having a few positive thoughts lately. It makes a welcome change from the usual doom and gloom that churns around in my head. Instead of dwelling on the past and getting depressed, or worrying about the future and making myself anxious, for the first time I've started to wonder what my life will be like when I've been off of antidepressants for 5 or 10 years. 

 

I've stopped thinking that I want the old me back. I don't want him back, he was a bit of a d*ck anyway. I've stopped thinking about "what if I had done this or that differently," or  "if only I had never gone to the doctors because I was feeling a bit down."  The truth is, I'll never know. I can't unravel the past and thinking about it is totally pointless, it cannot be changed by wishful thinking. I should let the past go. It is what it is. Yes, I should learn from my mistakes, but it's time to move on. 

 

I cannot know what will be in my future either. It hasn't been written yet, anything is possible. I wonder how I'll view this period of my life in 10 years time? I certainly won't have any fond memories of it, but I wonder how it will have shaped the person I am yet to become?

 

Change is definitely coming, but for the first time in a long time I'm not too worried by it. Somehow, I just know that everything will be alright. I will find a job that I enjoy doing, I will meet someone who loves me, I will have lots of friends and an active social life. I will be happy, healthy, safe and secure. I could be wrong, but having a little bit of hope can never be a bad thing.

 

With luck we all will be healed and this will be a dim and distant memory. Who knows, something positive may come out of this whole experience, we might make some lifelong friends, we might make the medical profession see how awful these 'medicines' really are, some of us might even be inspired to retrain and become counsellors or psychiatrists, we might save a lot of people from a lot of harm. Who knows what the future holds? I don't, you don't, nobody does. 

 

Keep on keeping on. The future will eventually become the present and the present will quickly become the past. Time only flows in one direction.

 

 

 

I looooooooove what you said here!!!!!!

 

And I always think I want to drink too, but then I get too scared....hmmmm FEAR = BRUTAL!!!

[Dan998]

Hi Hopefullearningpatience,

 

These doctors really are clueless. I doubt many of them have ever experienced chemically induced anxiety, it really is awful, like 100x worse than normal anxiety and can last for days, their only answer is more drugs. citalopram is a really powerful drug, I think you're doing the right thing by coming off before it steals years of your life.

 

Have one of the moderators spoken to you yet? You've only been on cit a short time, so you might be able to taper fairly quickly.

[Dan998]

When I crashed and during the  months that followed I didn't fancy any alcohol at all! I felt like I was drunk anyway!

Yep, I had that too, it felt like being drunk but without the good bits of being drunk, or it would feel like a hangover.   

[Dan998]

The demotivation and anhedonia are really starting to get to me now. I have plenty of things that I need to be getting on with, just cant be bothered to do any of them. What is more worrying is that I don't care that I haven't done any of them. Definitely sliding back to the warm embrace of Citalopram. This was one of the reasons that I wanted off in the first place. Oh well, give it a few more days and I probably won't care about the demotivation and anhedonia either. 

[ang]

Wow... you are kinda where I am, just getting over the rumiantions .........god I hope..........hope those ruminations never, ever come back!     Like we are here now, we move forward, never back, and all the better stronger for our experiences.............

 

Best wishes.................  move forward, dont look back............   but if we do look back, just accept that as healing process.......  it does get better!   hang in there!  Just treat yourself kindly, as you heal, just like any illness, be kind to yourself, and just """survive"" as you heal, and you will heal, just be kind to yourself.

Hugs 

[Dan998]

Thanks Ang, Those ruminations eh?! They seem so important when we're having them, but they're not real and they waste so much of our energy and time. We just have to keep moving forward, distract ourselves and get through another day. 

 

I've been following your thread. So pleased that your return to work is going well.

[hopefullearningpatience]

I get caught up in the whole rumination thing - and you are RIGHT the thoughts are not real and they do waste SOOOO much time and energy.

 

I am a little fearful of the taper from the Citalopram, but I am thinking the sooner I start the better. ugh!

 

One foot in front of the other, breathe in breathe out. we WILL get better, our brains DO heal. the fear is FALSE, it is WRONG

[Dan998]

Yep, the fear is false. I got frightened by the telephone ringing. It would be understandable if phones had sharp teeth and chased you round the room if you didn't answer them, but they don't, it was just an irrational fear.  

[Dan998]

Another fairly uneventful week out the way, nothing much has happened, watched a lot of sport on the telly. It feels like I'm back to where I was 6 months ago, before this misadventure started. But, there is a difference, it's not the same, because I'm down to 10mg. I'm halfway there!!! 

 

Wouldn't it be great if this time next year I can be celebrating my own Independence Day... Independence from SSRI's.

[Dan998]

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day,

Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way,

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town,

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

[AliG]

Ditto, Dan. Feel the same. Tick ,Tock !!     Do you feel different on  10 mg??

[Dan998]

I think so. It's hard to remember what 20mg actually felt like, seems like such a very long time ago.

[AliG]

 Good luck !!. I'm sure it  will be fine.

[LoveandLight]

I hope your plan goes well

[Flowers]

Hi Dan!

 

Are you doing OK?

[Dan998]

Hi Flowers,

 

I'm doing well thanks. Still getting some side effects, but feeling more stability and positivity.

[Flowers]

That is such good news. Maybe we will be starting our taper together?!

 

xxx

[Dan998]

I hope so, Flowers. I'm not sure that I can wait until September. I've got an overwhelming urge to get off the cit and want to get going. I'm surprised I've managed to hold for as long as I have.

[AliG]

 Stay patient, Dan. It's not the "holy grail".   Not a lot changes. Just stay "stable".  Hugs.

[Dan998]

Thanks Ali, 

 

I've been wrestling with the decision of when to begin my taper. Can't stand the side effects, had a few new ones recently, notably shaky hands, twitching muscles around my eyes and some mental confusion. I worry that it could be serotonin syndrome?  I'm thinking that I've become sensitised after ct and that my present dose could be too high, even though it is lower than it was before. It's all very confusing, like trying to unravel a knotted ball of string.

[AliG]

It is confusing, for sure. I wish I could tell you , what is going to work. I can't. You "updosed". Were the symptoms "intolerable"?

[Dan998]

No, not intolerable, I can cope with them, unlike the terrible anxiety and insomnia of withdrawal. That's the problem really, I don't like the the side effects, and I have a lot of them, but  I'm absolutely terrified of being pitched into full blown withdrawal again if I taper. 

[AliG]

I can understand that.  Sometimes you just have to go through it.  "If you're going through hell, keep going".  ( Winston Churchill. ) . You might have to bite the "bullet".  You're going to have to go through it, to get to the "other side".

[Flowers]

Dan, AliG - I understand completely what you are saying. I am in the same boat wanting to start my taper but scared of what it will do to me! There is only one way to find out - unfortunately!

 

Are you sure the hand shaking and twitching around the eyes  is a side effect Dan? I had this but it was when I was either having a bad day or I had overtaxed myself in some way. Because these symptoms have gone and I am still taking the drugs I think it probably was WD.

[Dan998]

Yes, It could be that I've over done things. Hadn't thought of that. I've been on the computer a lot this week, so it could be that. 

[Dan998]

I went to the doctors this week, decided to tell her that I wanted to come off citalopram. She told me that citalopram was really easy to come off of and that you only get discontinuation syndrome with paroxetine and prozac. Could not believe my ears. How ignorant?

 

She thinks I'm on 20mg. Her idea of tapering is to cut me down to 10 for 3 months, then 5 for another 3 months, then 0. I couldn't be bothered to argue with her, it seemed pointless anyhow. I've got a stockpile of tablets and I'll just stick to my own tapering schedule. I dread to think how many people she has harmed though.