☼ dan998: Cold turkey, reinstatement and tapering citalopram

[Dan998]

Thanks, Ali.

 

You'll get there too, we all will. Head down and one foot in front of the other until we reach our destination. it's such a shame there isn't a shortcut to recovery.

[hopefullearningpatience]

SWEET that you ride motorcycles!!!

 

I was sooooooooooooooooooooo tired this morning, had to force myself to get out of bed. Had some stupid anxious thoughts this morning that made me all tense. And they were anxious thoughts over NOTHING! just so annoying and dumb - so I looked up some quotes:

 

“You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” 

 

1. The taper process gave me many opportunities to develop new tools for dealing with difficulties. I learned that I could in fact survive and function even when I didn't feel that great. Amazing, I know, and totally true. Life does go on even when it's not all bluebirds and happiness. We are more resilient than we realize. 

2. Tapering and withdrawal sucked just enough to remind me that I don't ever want to have to go through that again. If quitting Suboxone was totally easy and painless...well then it might be a lot easier to rationalize just one more binge, know what I mean? Going through this process reinforced the fact that this is a serious illness that I'm dealing with and I shouldn't take it lightly. 

3. I learned that having a plan and a support network in place really does make all the difference. There were definitely moments when I thought I might just stop and suffer through stronger withdrawals just to get it over with sooner, but I stuck with my schedule and was smart about choosing my time to stop the medication. Being patient and following through are really important life skills, so any chance to practice them is a blessing. 

4. I discovered the true value of a positive attitude. Sometimes you have to fake it until it becomes real, and that's TOTALLY OK. Whining about how hard it is like you're the first person to ever go through a painful healing process isn't going to do you any good. I would often think about the horrible **** cancer patients go through in order to survive their disease...and then I would count my blessings. 

5. Knowing that I made it through this experience has increased my confidence in my ability to cope, and that's a beautiful thing. The only way to grow and get better at life is to challenge ourselves, and having suceeded in this challenge makes me feel great. I feel like I can handle pretty much anything life throws my way, as long as I remember all the stuff I learned during the 2 years I was on Sub. 

[Dan998]

Thanks for the quotes and advice. I've noticed that it definitely does make a difference if you can stay positive, active and distracted. I think that you have the right attitude to get through this.

 

It's late and my brain is a bit frazzled, so I will write a proper reply when I'm more awake. 

[Dan998]

I've had enough of waiting and holding, watching myself become more zombie-like. I'm as stable as I ever was on the drugs, have been for a month, so I've decided to start my taper.  I'm cutting 5% for now, as a bit of a test to see how much my brain complains... Ha, as if my brain doesn't know what I'm up to, after all it was my brain that decided to do this, my brain that told my muscles to measure out the dose, but yeah, I'm fooling myself into thinking that my brain won't notice. 

[Dan998]

Woo hoo, I'm a member of the tapering club... Nervously excited to be slowly heading towards zero.

[bluebalu86]

Good luck with your taper Dan

[Dan998]

Thank you, Blue.  

[hopefullearningpatience]

congrats on the decision, you will be ok...I am having a very BLAH day today. have a little dizziness going on, so that SUCKS. hard to get out of bed again this morning. getting through my work tasks, but my hands are a little shaky. I am gonna go jog at lunch, maybe get the blood pumping some

 

pumped for you that you started the taper. I ordered the book The Antidepressant Solution Have you ever heard of it? Supposed to get here today sometime...

 

trying to wait patiently for a window to appear today

[Dan998]

Thanks HLP, I've also been very tired today, damned citalopram. Jogging is great for releasing feel good brain chemicals, if you can summon the energy to do it. Before ADs I could do 10k, now if I did more than a couple hundred metres, I'd suffer badly the next day.

 

Haven't read The Antidepressant Solution, will have to download it. Anatomy of an Epidemic is worth a look if you haven't already read it.

 

Fingers crossed that your window opens soon.

[hopefullearningpatience]

jogging actually did help, so I am better now...and for some reason getting outside helps me too, guess it's the sunshine thing. I think I always just have to burn off that morning fog

 

I lifted a few weights Wednesday and whew! my legs are super sore. crazy how fast I fell out of shape!

 

maybe you ought to try to jog a little, I am always nervous that it will make me feel awful, but hey, it's not like we are feeling perfect anyway, you know? and it usually helps me a lot

 

do you take fish oil? I have tried, but it upsets my stomach!

 

I will let you know how the book is, Amazon said it shipped today. it might be nice to have some sort of "coach" through this whole process

[Dan998]

I might give jogging another try, it's been a few weeks, plus I could do with shifting a few pounds... Fresh air and sunshine, nature's antidepressant.

 

I use the fish oil, I find it helps with headaches. I've been lucky the stomach, never really had any issues during wdl.

[hopefullearningpatience]

yes, I think you should! maybe just ease into it at first, I bet it makes you feel pretty darn good!

[Flowers]

So you've decided to take the plunge! Wishing you all the luck in the world with the taper my friend.

 

xxx

[ladybug99]

Yippee yahooie, Dan! You're so lucky to now be officially in the tapering club! How are you feeling so far? I will say a prayer...and keep my fingers crossed that all goes well. You must be so excited moving forward. This staying stagnant waiting to stabilize stinks! So, good for you, Dan! You're on your way! Hope the sun feels warmer and shines brighter each day for you as you carry on...

 

Hugs,

Ladybug99.

[Dan998]

Thanks, Flowers and Ladybug.

 

I actually made the cut a few days ago, but decided to keep it under my hat because I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it. 

 

I'm feeling ok. I had a few hours of anxiety earlier, fairly mild compared to the horrible CT anxiety, and nothing I couldn't cope with. I've learnt that anxiety, however bad it feels at the time, cannot hurt you. I had a boost of motivation and energy today, so I pushed on through the anxiety, kept myself super busy, and thankfully it's gone away now.

 

Something else I've noticed today is an altered colour perception. Red colours seem more vivid and are 'popping' out. My vision also seems a bit sharper. All this from a teeny weeny 0.5mg cut. Just goes to show how strong these meds really are. 

[hopefullearningpatience]

hey Dan,

 

I had some anxiety Saturday and Sunday mornings. and it did burn off by the end of the day, but WHEW! I do not welcome that anxiety back! YUCK! oh well, our brains will adjust and we move forward!!!

[LoveandLight]

I noticed that with my eyesight..in my windows my vision is so clear and sharp.

[Dan998]

My eyesight has gone back to normal dullness again. It's weird isn't it. In fact everything about wdl is weird. What have these drugs done to us? 

[LoveandLight]

Yep I know..I wouldn't be surprised if it made me grow horns or make my head spin around.

[Dan998]

Yeah, it can feel like we're possessed by demons. 

[Dan998]

Hiya Hopefull,

 

The anxiety is rotten isn't it. I can cope with it as long as its not accompanied by the shortness of breath, that used to really scare the pants of me, felt like I was going to suffocate... Did you do anything to make it go away or did it just burn off on its own?

[Nana]

I am chiming in with a brief note r/t my own experience with tapering. I found that the anxiety I woke up with was better as soon as I got out of bed. So I would tell myself, "just get up. This will get better." And the anxiety slowly decreased throughout the day.

 

I also jog. I use the Couch to 5K app, (free download), to increase my distance/time very gradually.

 

Good luck! I have been there and am soooo much better now after learning from this forum about the slow taper. I have been off ADs for four months.

[Dan998]

Thanks, Nana.

 

Congratulations on making it to 4 months AD free. It seems that anxiety is common to everyone here. I find that keeping busy is really beneficial. If I can keep my mind occupied by doing things then the days pass fairly easily and then I feel more relaxed of an evening because I have actually achieved something. However, getting started is always the hardest part. I'm plagued by motivational problems, I think I was like this before the meds, can't really remember as it was such a long time ago, so this may always be something that I'll have to battle against.

 

The same is true for the jogging, I want to do it, I know it will be beneficial, but getting out there and actually doing it is another matter altogether.

 

You're right about this forum. I think I would have been a repeat cold-turkeyer and re-instater if I hadn't had found it. I believe It has saved me from a lifetime of being drugged.

[hopefullearningpatience]

Thanks Nana, that is helpful because I will DREAD getting out of bed in the morning. I will tell myself I didn't sleep enough and that I need to stay in there and rest. Plus, I will get scared of how I am going to feel. I usually feel pretty yucky while getting dressed and getting going, but it slowly fades away over the course of the day.

 

Dan, exercising is the absolute best thing to burn it off. Exercise for at least 30 minutes - even if you just walk...

 

I am just scared of getting brain zaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dan998]

Don't be scared of the zaps, they're not painful, they just feel a bit weird. 

[hopefullearningpatience]

ok, that makes me feel better, ugh, I have read about them and they FREAK me out!!!

[hopefullearningpatience]

how are you today Dan?

[Dan998]

This cut seems to have made me really sleepy. Crashed out really early last night and woke up really late this morning. I've been in such a daze all day long. I chose to fight against it and forced myself to keep busy, but it was such an effort. My limbs felt so heavy, it was like wading through thick mud. 

 

I've read that sleep is when the healing happens, so hopefully that is what is happening and my poor little brain is becoming accustomed to the lower dosage... It sort of feels like I'm awake and asleep at the same time. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to keep on keeping on.

[hopefullearningpatience]

oh yes! welcome the sleep for sure!!!!!! it is definitely good for your brain :)

[hopefullearningpatience]

what's up Dan! how are you???

[tgirl]

Hey Dan,

How are you hanging in there?

T

[Dan998]

I haven’t been here for a few months and thought it was probably time that I posted an update to let you all know how I’ve been doing and why I stopped posting.

 

I was finding reading and writing extremely difficult, it seems as if citalopram has somehow made me dyslexic and mentally slow. Writing required tremendous mental effort that left me absolutely exhausted and it took me ages to get my thoughts out onto the page.

 

I still find writing a bit of a chore, but it is definitely getting easier as time passes by. I guess that healing is slowly happening. I’m feeling cognitively sharper and can adequately express myself now. Still not as eloquent as I once was, but good enough to make myself understood.

 

I was also investing far too much time and energy into other people's suffering. Their problems were becoming my problems, and it was triggering my own anxiety. What if I get symptom x, y, or z? What if it takes me years and years to recover like it has for other people? How would I cope with that? Thinking in this way couldn’t be helpful for my poor little destabilised brain.

 

Yes, it is great to provide support for each other, but it can become all encompassing and I don’t think that it is particularly healthy to be constantly thinking about symptoms and withdrawal.

 

I became obsessed with my symptoms and it was all I could think about, every minute of every day for months and months. I needed to escape from this cycle of rumination and self-flagellation by staying away from SA for a while and thinking about something else instead.

 

This is such a wonderful site with a wealth of experience and useful advice, but there are also a lot of negative posts on here. I suppose this should be expected due to the subject nature and because of all the lost souls constantly washing up upon these shores in the depths of withdrawal, but I don’t feel that this attitude is particularly helpful for providing hope to the hopeless.

 

What I want to read about are stories of people who have taken positive steps to successfully recover, otherwise there doesn’t seem much point in coming off these meds. I don’t want to add to the collective misery by continually writing posts that are laden with doom and gloom.

 

I got really despondent when I drew up my tapering schedule and realised that it was probably going to take me at least 2 years to get off these poisonous, mind-bending, evil pills.

 

I was constantly feeling sorry for myself and getting into a spiral of despair; “I wish these drugs were never invented, I wish I’d never taken them, I never really needed them in the first place, I shouldn’t have been on them for so long, it’s all my doctor’s fault, this is so unfair, my life is ruined. Wah, wah, wah!”

 

There was no way that I was going to sit in a “prison of the mind” and scratch the days onto a metaphorical wall until my release date finally arrives. Wallowing in self-pity just seemed like a terribly self-destructive way of thinking. I had to take some positive steps to try make this whole process more tolerable.

[Dan998]

I’ve put my brain through a lot of unnecessary torture this year; quit cold turkey, suffered severe withdrawal, successfully reinstated and by the middle of July was finally stable enough to begin a proper tapering plan.

 

I started off with a test taper of 5%. I admit that I was shitting myself because the hell of CT was still fresh in my mind, but I actually felt okay after initial tapering.

 

Nothing bad happened and I felt a lessening of some of the awful, mind numbing, side effects of citalopram. So, I decided to continue with a 5% taper every 2 weeks, as opposed to 10% every month which might have been too much of a jump, I hoped this strategy would mean less stress for my brain.

 

My tapering settled into a very predictable pattern. I would make a cut and wouldn’t notice any difference for about 4 or 5 days.

 

Then, once my system had registered the change in dose, I’d be hit with a day of two of extreme fatigue. Unable to do much of anything. Completely drained with aching joints and muscles.  

 

This would be followed by a few days of feeling full of energy, which in hindsight was probably a form of mania, anyway, I liked this phase and got loads of stuff done, ticking things off the to-do list which I had been putting off for ages. During this phase I felt almost normal, with a sense of positivity and some optimism about the future. No brain fog, no anxiety, completely symptom free.

 

Then I’d have a couple of days of getting lost in thought. Nothing horrid, just what I like to call “memory bubbles”. I’d remember things that I’d forgot that I’d forgotten. I’d remember all sorts of random stuff and I’d remember every tiny detail. The faces of people I haven’t seen in decades, the layout of homes I used to live in, clothes that I used to wear, cars that I used to drive, places I used to go, I would remember long forgotten conversations word for word. I believe that I was unlocking parts of my mind that antidepressants have been suppressing for years. The memories had no emotional context, like watching a video of my previous life, “...a long, long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away…”  I hope that as my dose gets lower the memories will start to elicit some normal emotional responses.

 

I’d then have a period of leveling off with some very mild side effects; brain fog, demotivation and zombification, then it would be time to make another cut.

 

I managed to settle into a fairly dull and mundane routine. My sleep had normalised so I was able to go to bed and get up at the same time every day. I did the housework, kept myself clean, tended the garden, went to the shops. Ordinary stuff that non-medicated folk do without any thought or effort. I was getting out more and keeping busy with my mind distracted, which was ace.

 

I was making positive progress towards the ultimate goal of being drug free. I dared to believe that this taper was going to be much easier than I’d anticipated.

 

It all started going wonky at 8.1 mg. It began with some sleep disturbances, I was waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I didn’t pay much attention to it, just shrugged it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I didn’t feel properly rested, instead I woke up in a dreamlike state and it was becoming harder to get going in the mornings. I ignored the warning signs and pushed myself harder to get on with stuff.

 

I stupidly carried on with my tapering and cut down to 7.7 mg. This was another mistake. Insomnia came back and bit me in the arse, I went from 8 hours sleep down to 4 hours. Migraine headaches shortly followed, along with some anxiety, irritability and mental confusion. Things continued to get worse with nausea, panic attacks, chest pain and tinnitus adding themselves to the mix.

 

It was becoming obvious that I had cut too hard or fast and that my brain was unable to keep up with all the changes. Time for a hold.

I’ve been holding now for about a month. Thankfully, I have recently started to level out again, most of my symptoms have gone away and my sleep has improved greatly (now getting 7hrs).

[AliG]

 Hi Dan,

 

It's so good to see you back here.  I'm sorry you've been going " through " it , but it sounds like you've got it sorted out now.   I hope it continues to go well.  I  have wondered, how you were going. I'm happy that you're doing better.

 

Ali .

[Dan998]

Thanks Ali, 

 

It's been a bumpy few months, but on balance I think things are better now than they have been for a long while. I suppose that's windows and waves for you, two steps forward and one step back. At least I'm finally getting some windows now. It used to be just one very large and seemingly endless wave. 

 

I hope healing is happening for you too. 

[Dan998]

I’ve learnt some valuable lessons over the past few months, it’s clear that I will need to slow down the speed of taper and/ or add in some regular holds.  I’m quite disappointed though because I was hoping that I would be able to cut much faster and get off much quicker, but there seems to be no shortcuts to this.

 

With luck I will feel better as the dose gets lower, windows and waves and all that. Still, a two or possibly three year taper is a daunting prospect that fills me with trepidation.

 

Plenty of people have reported having success with the Brassmonkey Slide Method, so I’m going to give it a try. I can see the logic of making smaller cuts more frequently and then consolidating with a short hold before cutting again. This plan will be more complicated and will mean that tapering will take longer, but this method should be less of a shock to the system. I want to make this taper as smooth and as painless as possible.

 

I’m slowly discovering the difference between side effects and withdrawal symptoms. They’re both similarly horrid, but it’s important not to confuse them and make an unnecessary hold when a cut could be beneficial.

 

However, I will be keeping vigilant and watching out for signs of withdrawal. If I get sleep disturbance, migraines, chest pains, or panic attacks then I shall immediately hold and wait, and wait, and wait some more, for as long as needed.