success ☼ Kiaza: 10 years of Citalopram

[Kiaza]

Update: I'm still not creative and everything that stirs up too much emotion in me makes me jump to the roof. I still feel too little or too much and overreact in some social situations but I can handle them better. Symptoms that have been gone have come back like vertigo and I have some urination and incontinence issues. I'm not vomiting nearly as much as I used to. I can think a bit more rationally now and set more realistic goals. Overall I think I have a better understanding of the whole picture and I'm not so delusional as I used to be. I think I have some sort of grasp of what my life could be a year from now. I started to feel a bit better in the spring and could exercise 5 times a week but then got injured and scared and I've been keeping it very low key for two months. I have a lot of safety issues because this whole thing has been and still is overwhelming. I did have a thought in my head that I need to find a man or someone to live with so that I have courage to live and do things but now I'm getting little by little getting used to live on my own again and build back the safety I once had. I have regular suicidal thoughts thay everything is lost, my body and mind ruined, chances of career and relationship gone but I also do have hope in me. Slowly but steadily going forward

[KarenB]

Thanks for teh update Kiaza.  Sounds like you are making slow but good progress, and building up the strength in yourself again.  How is your sleep these days?

[Kiaza]

17 hours ago, KarenB said:

Thanks for teh update Kiaza.  Sounds like you are making slow but good progress, and building up the strength in yourself again.  How is your sleep these days?

 It's better now. I sleep for 12 hours few times a week, some days I can't sleep but it's lot better than what it used to be. I'm thinking about getting a personal trainer to get my body back in shape. I have this fluffy mushy medical induced bloating in me but I guess it will come off at some point? Funny I still have my muscles though I'm not exercising nearly as much as I used to ( I sweat like twice a week and then need a bit of rest). Some days I can walk for hours and I'm not tired at all, and some days I can barely move. I guess everything will go back to normal and I can do aerobic exercise again without no problem. Cortisol easily hits to the roof if I get stressed or feel too much pressure. I think I need a lot of time to build my stress tolerance back. My sweat used to smell really bad but it's getting normal again yay!

[Kiaza]

Bad News. I started to get psychotic again and violent so psychiatrist is starting Brintellix with Me to ease those symptoms. I know this all is still from withdrawal since I've never Been psychotic or violent before My withdrawal from meds. I think Brintellix might put my brains more messed up but I'm being threatened with hospital and more meds by my parents and doctor. I have tried to explain to my doctor that all of my symptoms are from meds but she doesn't believe it could be possible. What the **** is wrong with psychiatry? I tried to take my own Life since I was so whacked out on 6 different meds and still I'm being put more meds. I'm almost Thinking about running away somewhere where I can be alone and go through this without more stressors. I do have clearer Days when I feel almost normal and like my brains are starting to work again but I have those really Bad Days which I guess have frightened my parents and doctor

[StarJ]

Brintillex is not an antipsychotic so not sure why they are putting you on that.

 

I guess you have no choice.

 

Perhaps try it, its supposed to be good, you can always come off it once you are feeling better and they are off your case...

[scallywag]

Kiaza, when you can dedicate time and attention to it, please think about which of your actions or words prompted the doctor to suggest new/more medication.

 

When people are tapering medications that are intended to "treat" psychosis, it is important to manage how you present yourself to people who can force further medical "treatment" on you.  It is better to decrease dose very slowly and take a looonnnnnngggg time than to try to rush which triggers symptoms and unwanted attention from unhelpful and "misundereducated" doctors. 

 

Here is a post by JanCarol, another moderator, about not "getting caught".

[Kiaza]

Didn't need to start Brintellix yay! One New big problem is that I can't ride anymore. It starts to hurt like Hell in My nether regions and the pain can continue for hours after riding, so much that it even hurts to shower. Feels like firy needles down there. Can that be from withdrawal and My nervous system being all over the place? I didn't have that in winter when I still had Mirtazapine and some other drug going on (tenox maybe). And now I've stopped sweating properly. I Just Don't sweat though I walk and stuff

[scallywag]

Kiaza, some people experience unusual and/or persistent sensations in the pelvic area as a withdrawal symptom.  You may be fortunate in that your symptoms are triggered by riding rather than being present most of the time. Other members have talked about their symptoms and what they've tried in this topic:

PGAD

[Kiaza]

Little update: I saw a nutritionist and got very good products and instructions from her. My gut health has deteriorated though I have eaten probiotics and veggies. It seems that withdrawal has destroyed nearly all of my gut flora and My recovery has been really slow and painfull. I also saw a neuropsychiatrist today. He understood what was going on. My behavior has been quite erratic sometimes I have to admit. I just don't behave the way I used to since the emotions are overwhelming and I have no idea how adult people Express and control their emotions though sometimes I do get some hang of it. He Said to give me two years to recover and get to know myself, do light exercising and find the best ways to soothe myself and My brain and body Will recover. He understood that since I was drugged as a teen I haven't quite grown up yet and I need to be merciful with myself. It feels so good that finally someone understands what is going on! He was very hesitant to agree with the diagnoosis that's been labeled on me (dissociative disorder, ADD) and I agree that those diagnoses might be quite wrong and I hate being labeled "mentally ill". Physically I feel baaaad still and sometimes feel like junkie and get cravings of medication to ease my pain but I won't give in! I used to be able to exercise really intensily while on medication, as it turns out medication gave me stamina to exercise without feeling tired. I've been very shocked that I can't do the things I used to be able to do and have hard time accepting it. My ex-therapist is also a psychiatrist and she thinks that I'm delusional to think that medication could play any role in this and I'm just mentally ill. Exercising has always been my way to went  my emotions and now that it has been quite impossible I have been a bit lost.

[DMV64]

Hey, I just wanted to say hi, I have been reading your introduction and have found a lot of hope in it, and strength in your perseverance.

I hope you are feeling better <3

[LexAnger]

You are so strong K! 

I know your pain and admire you pr determination going through this hell to gain your life back!

 

 

[ChessieCat]

8 hours ago, Kiaza said:

My ex-therapist is also a psychiatrist and she thinks that I'm delusional to think that medication could play any role in this and I'm just mentally ill.

 

Well I'm really pleased that this in an already ex psychiatrist

[Kiaza]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement! As a finnish saying says (I'm from Finland btw) "Eteenpäin! sano Mummo lumessa" which means "Forward! said the grandma in the snow" so forward I am going like a grandma with a slow and steady pace 

[Kiaza]

Bad news everyone. I had to take an antibiotic which caused an yeast infection. I feel the antibiotic reacted badly with my brain and I feel quite retarded right now. Also the yeast infection flared up to my whole body so I'm feeling not so pleasant. Can't ride anymore due to my whole body twitching after it painfully. Also I get very unpleasant and painful burning sensations on my skin after exercise and sometimes I think that is exercising worth the pain or not. I get very bad nightmares STILL and generally feel that my brain isn't functioning the way it used to. I hallucinate during day time, my ears are ringing constantly, I have head pains and feelings of little nails drilling in to my brain, I can't tolerate stress and sound. It was exactly 4 years ago when I quit my original medication and none of my normal mental and physical functions have come back. I feel as though my brain has gone upside down after all these medications and done something very strange in my brain . Thankfully I can still eat and drink and walk on my own.

[Kiaza]

I'm feeling quite suicidal now. I have a lot of pains and aches STILL (how is it possible that the physical pain can be so tremendous?). I've been completely psych drug free (no benzos or even melatonin) for 8 months now. I can deal with the emotional spirals, but this physical agony drives me crazy. Sometimes it's painful to move my head. I am not sure if these pains are withdrawal related or if I have some other condition going on. And I am ANGRY. How can some doctor walk over me and throw some pills at me when I am in a vulnerable state and decide what is best for me without listening what the real problem is. Sometimes I feel very much like giving up because I'm so tired.

[FarmGirlWorks]

I remember when the physical pains were bad... they passed eventually. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep the faith that you'll get better (that last bit was for me too

[jonnypeters1234567]

I Kiaza I am too in a battle getting off citalopram. I am 14 months off and getting hit badly with psychosis and intense symptoms regularly.

 

Your improvement gives me hope

[jonnypeters1234567]

Did they force you meds when you were in a nursing home? or did they just let you recover? I just need options

[jozeff]

Hi kiaza, how are you doing? Just read your story. I hope your doing better and that your physical pain has decreased!

 

I wish you all the best!!!

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

[Kiaza]

I think I lost all of my cognitive capacities in wd. I forgot how to speak Swedish (my second language) and I almost forgot all I’ve never known about English language (I studied English as my major in uni), but somehow old skills are coming back to me. I have zero emotional skills  so I behave very childishly often and my decision making ability is on the same level with a 15-year-old. I started to smoke two packs of cigarettes at one point because I was rebellious towards my parents. Somehow I can get my act together when I’m around strangers. WD is definitely very weird. The biggest challenge is to grow up again. It’s frustrating because you’ve done it once but don’t want to do it again and it’s a bit shameful to be 25+ but you act and feel much younger. Everyone else is living their lives and thriving (presumably) and you are just stuck and want to live your life all over again to be able to live teen years the way they should have been lived without drugs and not end up in this point. And also for the first time I, not drugs, am responsible for my feelings and actions and how I react on them.

[jonnypeters1234567]

On 9/8/2018 at 10:13 PM, Kiaza said:

I think I lost all of my cognitive capacities in wd. I forgot how to speak Swedish (my second language) and I almost forgot all I’ve never known about English language (I studied English as my major in uni), but somehow old skills are coming back to me. I have zero emotional skills  so I behave very childishly often and my decision making ability is on the same level with a 15-year-old. I started to smoke two packs of cigarettes at one point because I was rebellious towards my parents. Somehow I can get my act together when I’m around strangers. WD is definitely very weird. The biggest challenge is to grow up again. It’s frustrating because you’ve done it once but don’t want to do it again and it’s a bit shameful to be 25+ but you act and feel much younger. Everyone else is living their lives and thriving (presumably) and you are just stuck and want to live your life all over again to be able to live teen years the way they should have been lived without drugs and not end up in this point. And also for the first time I, not drugs, am responsible for my feelings and actions and how I react on them.

 

I feel robbed of all skills i aquired before i went on the drugs. i have a complete memory blank from the time on the drugs. Most notably i lost all connections i knew with people before i was on the drugs. Old friends were just people, there was no memory connection there

[bhasski]

On 9/9/2018 at 2:43 AM, Kiaza said:

I think I lost all of my cognitive capacities in wd. I forgot how to speak Swedish (my second language) and I almost forgot all I’ve never known about English language (I studied English as my major in uni), but somehow old skills are coming back to me. I have zero emotional skills  so I behave very childishly often and my decision making ability is on the same level with a 15-year-old. I started to smoke two packs of cigarettes at one point because I was rebellious towards my parents. Somehow I can get my act together when I’m around strangers. WD is definitely very weird. The biggest challenge is to grow up again. It’s frustrating because you’ve done it once but don’t want to do it again and it’s a bit shameful to be 25+ but you act and feel much younger. Everyone else is living their lives and thriving (presumably) and you are just stuck and want to live your life all over again to be able to live teen years the way they should have been lived without drugs and not end up in this point. And also for the first time I, not drugs, am responsible for my feelings and actions and how I react on them.

Hi,

How are you doing?

I can totally relate for what you are saying. I too feel that I am behaving like a 15 yrs old and living it .. though I don't want it now.

 

I feel I have lost my behaviour and maturity.

Is it coming back for you?

 

 

@braaaaaap @brassmonkey

Tom,

I want to have your support as I look upto you a great success. I want to know how long will it take to have cognition ... emotions back.I have seen improvements but past 3 years and still not feeling myself is a lot to take on.

 

 I know its futile to ask , still your words , experience matters a lot.

[brassmonkey]

It's never futile to ask an honest question. Sometimes it takes a while for us to get back to a person, but we always have some sort of answer.  I'm out of town right now so have very limited time to respond to posts so I will direct you to my essay "Are We There Yet, How long with Withdrawal take".  It's pinned at the top of the Symptoms and self care forum and will answer a lot of the questions you have about getting better.  Which, by the way, you will.  It all will come back given time.

[Kiaza]

I think I might Be almost healed. I started My withdrawal 4 years ago. It included serious suicidality, I was unable to walk or move my limbs, talk or think. I felt like a vegetable, a total non-human and the states I went through were sometimes inhuman. I vomited daily for 2 years and thought my bodu will not get through this. I was angry and bitter for other people and especially for doctors who get money from this. But now I’m alone in Bali and can trust my body and mind again. I can interact with people without being afraid of them. I can walk and swim and travel in an airplane. My body is not what it used to be but it’s getting stronger everyday. What I have learned from this is never let anyone get to you, don’t live according someones expectations, don’t live how society tells you to live. Be you and nothing else, be true to your needs, stand YOUR ground without becoming unfair or proud, always remember there are other people around you. If someone gives you bad attitude, ignore it. Help other people and find your meaning in life. Be selfish sometimes, it’s not bad. Love everyone in this planet and make your body and soul benefit for others when needed. Be proud of who you are and what you went through but move on. This is just a chapter in your life and the next ones are bigger.

[Carmie]

I’m soooo happy you feel you’re almost healed, 

 

That’s brought a smile to my face. Sending hugs🤗

[Kiaza]

10 hours ago, Carmie said:

I’m soooo happy you feel you’re almost healed, 

 

That’s brought a smile to my face. Sending hugs🤗

 

Thanks you Carmie!

 

I hope someone who is utterly devastated and in pain and is on the brink of suicide or have already tried it will get hope from my story. It WILL get better. I was in ER three times for trying to end my life. For two years I contemplated suicide daily, every hour, every minute. Now I don’t. I would never do it. You got to have faith in yourself. Your mind will get through it and your body will get through it. Severe trauma is left but time will heal it and you will have such power to do good after this. Best ones will always have to suffer before becoming good.

[jonnypeters1234567]

Can you give us an update my friend x

[Carmie]

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Kiaza]

Update: I’m still studying my mental functions are all normal, I go to work 2-4 times a week and I sleep 7-10 hours every night. I still have some wawe and window pattern going on, some days are better than others but maybe it’s normal? I guess no one has physically or mentally stable days all the time. I guess I could say  I am healed as much as is possible. Genital area is still sometimes numb and I have some other problems but they don’t decrease my quality of life. So many good things have come to my life after withdrawal hell so I consider myself healed though I am not physically 100%, but also I’m not 20 anymore.

[Vonnegutjunky]

This helped me today. My symptoms are getting worse and I fear for myself p, I fear I will go crazy and do something without even realizing it. I fear I will never get better, I lay in bed , scared all day long. I hope I have a miracle and will heal too. Thank you for posting. 

[Kiaza]

Update: sexual functions are back to normal. I’m enjoying sex more than ever. I had constant headaches for 4 years and got used to it. Now I can’t remember the last time I had a headache. I bicycled two times last week, 10 kilometres at a time. A year ago that would have been impossible since I was so weak all the time.

[MMMM]

Your story is so inspiring, thank you. I feel utterly ruined and can’t see how I will ever get out of it. Your story gives me hope.

🙏🏼

[IWantToHeal]

Best. Story. Ever. You are a warrior @Kiaza. 

 

[manymoretodays]

Link to Kiaza's Success Story by the same title:  Kiaza 10 years of Citalopram and now healed

As is custom I will also now close your Introduction topic to further comments.

All our best!