DD44: please help, currently on mirtazapine and gabapentin

[DD44]

Hi guys. @Altostrata or anyone else who you think might be able to discuss with me. 
 

I know everyone’s stance of not adding any new drugs. But Iv been holding since October and not sleeping and I’m not healing. I’m not improving. I’m seeking out the advise of a more experienced psych on withdrawl and drug swapping. I’m by no means going into this blindly and have not made a final decision. Sleep is the single most important element for the body to heal and be able to adjust off these drugs. 
 

My biggest question to the forum is

 

if I decided to try a very low dose of a ssri - how many weeks can I give it before I run the risk of withdrawl issues with it. My hope would be that I would see some kind of improvements within a week or two. I’m considering a low dose 2.5 of lexapro- but I’m consulting new doctors before I make a final choice. To me - if I go to the doctor and tel them what’s happening with me they’re going to offer me Seroquel- an anti psychotic. To me trying a ssri is a lesser of evils since seroquel would be recommended purely for it’s off brand sedative effects. I don’t need more reliance on sedatives. My thought process is if a low dose ssri was helpful in calming me down anxiety wise - then perhaps I can start to get more than 1 hour of sleep a day, and be on a better track to healing. I really hope the forum doesn’t abandon me for considering something that isn’t their advise as I do really value everyone here and the support matters to me whether I follow things you guys ask to a tee or not. I’m not improving and I need some movement here. Thanks to anyone who cares to chime in 

 

D x 

[Altostrata]

SSRIs are not sleep drugs.

 

Did mirtazapine ever help you sleep? Why not increase mirtazapine a bit?

 

When and how did you go off Ambien?

[DD44]

1/18

11am got rest, out of bed around here 

12-2 cleaned up, did hair, worked on TikTok 

Ate lunch, tuna on toast with lentil soup 

3pm piano and relaxing 

430 went on a walk 

530 called my mom, she upset me 

6p went food shopping 

8p home and ate a light ISH dinner

830 dad called, upset me greatly 

10p took 6.8mg Mirt, called my warm line support to help me calm down 

1040 shower 

1115 stretches are some melatonin 

1130-1230 journaling in low light 

1 lights out 

3am wide awake, took 8mg ambien, need rest, have work today 

5-10a got some very light broken rest 

1030a out of bed, feel soso 

[DD44]

@Altostrata

i know ssris are not sleep drugs but at this point I’m very depressed and anxious. It’s vicious cycle that is a occurring. I’m not getting any rest and it’s causing me to be more and more depressed and frustrated. I’m trying every single thing you guys recommend EVERYTHING. I honestly cannot keep up like this I’m going to end up in a psych ward or in a ditch. I know you guys aren’t trying to to turn your backs on me but when I say I may need to try something else I may need to because I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Some days I feel ok and then days like today I spend driving around aimlessly after work screaming my head off, pretty much a complete manic episode, out of pure frustration that nothing that I’m trying is working.

I got off ambien some times in 2019 when I was sick. I don’t remember when. I have used it 3 times in the last two weeks out of desperation and it helped a tiny bit. I choose to use ambien over Xanax or klonipin, feeling it was the lesser of evils. 

 

Mirtazapine 7.5 did help me sleep from January 2020 to October 2020 (I went from 7.5 down to 6.6 and at 6.6 is when problems began, 4 months ago. I was hesitant to updosed my Mirt because it’s the drug I believed to make me sick but I guess I have to choice at this point? I’m at 6.8 and the most I would updose is to 7.5. Which would mean Iv made zero progress on tapering. I guess unless we want to count my “taper” as starting from 15mg in September 2018. 

Iv said it a million times I do not expect perfect sleep during withdrawl or whatever it is I’m doing but getting 0 every night my health is just declining, and I can’t see how I’m doing any healing when I’m missing one of the fundamental factors. 
 

I really need some help I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to do something stupid. I want my life back, I have so much I want to do and I can ******* do a thing most days because I feel totally off. Don’t know what to say 

 

[Altostrata]

In what ways do you think mirtazapine made you sick?

 

I see you are taking beef organs. This type of supplement may contain substances that may be keeping you awake. I don't know what boswellia does, please Google to see potential adverse effects.

[DD44]

@Altostrata

I meant when I originally tapered from 15mg in sep 2018 to 0mg In may 2019- I became unbearably ill. That’s when I first came on this forum. I was getting no sleep, diarrhea all day for 6 months (June 2019- dec 2019) lost 20 lbs, couldn’t eat, wanted to die etc etc 

when I reinstated 7.5 In December 2019 my symptoms vanished by Jan 2020

 

I’m not taking beef organs and haven’t for some time 

also not taking boswellia either 

 

 

I take tumeric, magnesium and just began fish oil. Just haven’t updated my signature 

[Altostrata]

You got withdrawal syndrome from going off mirtazapine in May 2019 and felt better when you reinstated 7.5mg.

 

You're taking 7.5mg mirtazapine at night? Does it make you sleepy at all?

[DD44]

@Altostrata

 

i tapered from 7.5 in January 2020 to 6.6 by October 20’ and then it just kinda fell apart with little warning and never got back on track. That’s when I spoke to you about stopping the beef organs (I did stop months ago) 

 

Mirt was helping me sleep well from Jan to oct 

 

I have made almost no ch ages other than trying to add back in magnesium gly 400mg and .3mg of melatonin because I took them for all of 2020 and had no issues I only recently fell off them because I’m so out of sorts and nothing seems to be working 

 

Iv updosed to 6.8 and have been holding since oct with little improvements in sleep 

[Altostrata]

Why don't you updose to 7.5mg mirtazapine, rather than add another drug?

[DD44]

@Altostrata

 

sure I’ll try that 

 

I was trying not to lose the little bit that I have tapered but I’m running out of options 

[DD44]

I feel like I’m falling apart I 
I updosed last night from 6.8 to 7.5.. I know it needs some time to help 

 

but I was so desperate I took some hydroxizine and about .12 mg Xanax 

mans this morning I feel so horrible 

 

it wasn’t the Xanax because Iv had that a couple times now and it helped. Along with some ambien. 
 

Was the hydroxizine. I just don’t know what to do. Um going to lose my job at this rate 

I have to be able to feed myself and pay my bills. I don’t have anyone to move in with or non or dad to run to. I really don’t know what to do anymore 

[manymoretodays]

Hey DD44,

You may have overdid with the Xanax, Ambien, and hydroxizine.

If you took all of those in one night.

 

And yes, much patience required after an updose.

As you wait to see whatever you reacted too, there are several things you can try.

 

Nondrug coping

^ see the whole indexed list in the first post there

Acceptance

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Radical Acceptance

Emotional Spirals

Any self soothing, calming that you have become practiced with and that helps?  Sometimes it can be calming videos or audios, or baths, or getting out of bed, when hit with insomnia and/or cortisol awakenings and doing something briefly calming, rather than reaching for one, or two, or 3 pills.  Could you perhaps try some weak chamomile tea? 

Insomnia, cortisol awakenings

Breathing, just breathing, and practicing this until it helps

4-7-8 breathing

 

And stop catastrophic thinking in it's tracks......that never helps.

Working with Anxiety and Withdrawal
Withdrawal causing repetitive or intrusive thoughts, rumination, and increased panic

What IS going well, or what are you thankful for.  You've got family that you could go to, even though you don't like that idea.....but some......don't even have that.  You are learning, what helps, and what does not help in WD, and with your present neuro dys regulation/function. 

And oh so sorry, editing in here, no one to run to?  Many of us with the same, and have managed some way, some how........even when it all feels so totally undoable.  It gets better.  I promise.  It will.  Trite, but be your own bestie.....friend and confidant.......have faith in healing, and getting to a better place.  Reach on out to others, here or on the ground.  You can PM with members too, so that it doesn't all have to be out here in public view.  Still tough with covid precautions, but you might be able to find someone or something local to become connected with, that helps.  Helping the other members even to get oriented to the site, might feel good, and give you a bit of calm between the waves of storm.  Are they any safe warm lines in D.C. that you could call, and talk to someone on, without threat of hospitalization? 

 

To search on just about any topic here too- you can just use your main browser, then type in survivingantidepressants.org and then add the topic that you are looking for, or your symptom that you are feeling awful with.

 

Also, never hesitate to read and then offer support to another member, in their Introduction, or in a topic in Symptoms and Self Care.  Or via PM.  Use the little envelope icon in the upper corner.  Just be aware that most members all need support too. That can sometimes take one right out of their own misery, at least for a little while.

 

Do keep us posted, and updated, with this recent updose.  Thank you so much.

And hugs DD44.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Edited January 22, 2021 by manymoretodays
in black

[DD44]

@manymoretodaysthank you for your very thoughtful and detailed response. I likely took almost too much time yesterday reading through as much of the resources as i could. and much of it was helpful.

 

just to clarify i didn't take xanax, ambien and hydroizine in one night, i took xanax and hydroxyzine. 

 

outline of 1/21/21

1130 out of bed (very sick  (no sleep, pain in head, emotional turmoil), believe it was the hydroxyzine)

12-445 work, (work with one 6year old girl, did my best and felt less sick by about 3pm)

ate various snacks, granola bar, fruit

450 appointment to discuss medical marijuana (was approved, but understand i need to be very cautious with any of that-i dont want to get high, i only would like something that would help with sleep while trying to taper Mirtazapine, rather than benzos or sleeping pills)

ate muffin and protein shake

6p-8p bodywork (facia work, rolfing? some of you may have heard of it, its been very helpful the last three years for my pain issues,)

1030- 7.5 Mirt

9p-1130p reading through the info manymoretodays sent

1a get in bed and read a little. roll over and try to rest, might have gotten some very light rest but not deep sleep

2/3am? i never look at clock when i wake- took 5mg ambien and .12 xanax.

330p-10 much more restorative deeper sleep

11am awake with lightbox, feel much better than yesterday

 

@Altostrata when reading through the info manymoretodays send me, i came across a thread where you were discussing cortisol being too high around bedtime (i was always a night owl, so this may be me) and a supplement you tried called Seriphos? you said that it helped now and then in the post. I was wondering if i could try to while still on 7.5 of mirt? I do not want to be resorting to xanax or ambien but in certain times I just need some rest or I am at risk of losing my job, and I cannot do that. I dont have a husband or any family to live with and have to pay my rent, bills etc. Also I see people saying that Valium is a better choice than xanax? If i am going to be using it when things get too difficult is that a better option. I truly understand that this forum doesn't support the idea of adding new drugs, but I am only using things when I feel Im in danger of hurting myself or losing my livelihood. I realize I may need to deal with getting rid of other medications or help later on, but honestly nothing could be as bad as this Mirt, for whatever reason it is relentless with me. I am working really hard to do everything that everyone is suggesting. I hope someone can hear where I am coming from at this point. 

 

Any feedback is appreciated. And I do thank Alto and Manymoretodays and everyone else who is taking time out of their day to help me. i do believe I'm going to beat this but I'm accepting at this point my path isn't linear. 

 

[Shebon]

DD:  If you have updosed to 7.5 mg., it may take some days to get readjusted for blood levels.  I know because this happened to me in 2017.  It took me about 35 days to get stabilized after I updosed from 1.87 mg. to 3.75 mg.  I think my posts are still around this site somewhere.

 

Hope this helps...

Shebon

[DD44]

Yeah it helps a bit. Any words of wisdom you have for how you got down below 7.5 successfully would be so helpful. Thanks and I’ll also review your story a bit 

[Shebon]

DD:  It's been a rough 4 mths for me too -- trying to figure out what happened and for what reason.  First, back in September, I made a cut from 1.87 mg. and with the symptoms, thought it was my thyroid going hyper.  Next, in November, I was down to 1.45 mg. and more symptoms that I thought were histamine intolerance related.  

 

Only these past few days, I now know is it the tapering withdrawal symptoms....I will take rescue doses of 1.87 mg. until I can get steady on just 1.87 mg. alone.  I think the blood levels of this stuff creates the horrid symptoms and insomnia is a big one.   With trying to cut the 1.87 mg. into halves for .96 mg. is a nightmare and proving to be almost a sliver of nothing.  

 

So do try a few rescue doses and see what happens.  You might be needing the big boost from the rescue doses until you stabilize again.  

 

I hope to stabilize at 1.87 mg. again and then take a look at compounding through a pharmacy for accuracy.  

 

Hope this makes sense -- getting blood levels up takes time but you can assess from where to go once you start getting some sleep.

Best regards,

Shebon

[DD44]

@Shebon

I truly pray both you and I get some relief. I’m working so hard at trying everything I can to get myself on track. I understand everyone on here just says HOLD and stop looking for a magic bullet but that’s just not working for me. I don’t expect to find a bullet but I do believe there is something out there that could help me along. 

 

im sorry shebon. NO ONE should have to endure this nonsense. I my at self updosed from 6.8 to 7.5 about 3 days ago. So far not much change. I take my med around 1030 or so and get in bed at about 1 (not tired but body should rest, or else I would just stay up quiet honestly) meditations or binurial beats lull me but I havent typically Caleb into a deep sleep for about 4 months. The last 5 days I couldn’t take it anymore and if I’m up at 3/4am (typical) iv been taking about 5mg of ambien and .12 mg of Xanax. Honestly I can’t lose my job and if that means having to go through these other meds then I just have to deal. I don’t have the luxury some do of just moving in with a parent or staying home because my husband is carrying me. 
 

I will continue to pray for you and I and believe we will find help and our way.

 

you should be really proud too- you’re at a low dose and making it happen- you will get there 
 

 

[Shebon]

DD:  I do hope and pray you get some sleep too.  It might take a little while to get blood levels back up and I so hope you start sleeping again.  Do not feel down about going back up -- this happens quite a lot.  

 

As I mentioned to Marie - if the body is in a withdrawal state, it is so difficult for sleep to come.  Did you start the compounded mirt in December or are you taking 1/2 of 15 mg?  The compounded might be a bigger drop than expected?  ....just a thought.  

 

Here's to better days ahead.

Shebon

[DD44]

@Shebon

@manymoretodays

 

needing support and reassurance, as I am having a string of horrible 0 nights and head is hurting very badly. I’m going to pursue bloodwork at this point because I’m feeling weak and very deprived. I’m worried and concerned about my health. I know most people say sleep study’s are not worth here but I need reassurance that my brain is okay. I’m concerned about preforming my job safely as well. I work with just one child as a nanny but I take my work very seriously. I’m really struggling and uncertain of what to do. I am trying to love but it’s like my body won’t turn off. Im really trying my best, meditations, Camomile hot shower dark room but the lack of rest had got me really in bad shape at this point. Any help is really appreciated as I’m fighting really hard here. 
This had been building for months so I really need help. 

 

-Shebon, clarifying - I only tried compound for 2 days ten months ago. I have been up from 6.8 to 7.5 in dry pill form for about 5 days. 
 

 

[manymoretodays]

On 1/28/2021 at 6:12 AM, DD44 said:

needing support and reassurance, as I am having a string of horrible 0 nights and head is hurting very badly. I’m going to pursue bloodwork at this point because I’m feeling weak and very deprived. I’m worried and concerned about my health. I know most people say sleep study’s are not worth here but I need reassurance that my brain is okay. I’m concerned about preforming my job safely as well. I work with just one child as a nanny but I take my work very seriously. I’m really struggling and uncertain of what to do. I am trying to love but it’s like my body won’t turn off. Im really trying my best, meditations, Camomile hot shower dark room but the lack of rest had got me really in bad shape at this point. Any help is really appreciated as I’m fighting really hard here. 
This had been building for months so I really need help. 

 

Hi DD44,

Any sleep since you posted?  Oh, I am hoping so.

Are you planning on a sleep study then?

And then hopefully that and blood work will come back normal.

If not, on the sleep study.......if you have the sleep apnea then many do get relief with the CPAP masks.

 

SLEEP PROBLEMS

 

Tips to help sleep -- so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Path to Better Sleep FREE online for everyone from the US Veterans Administration

 

Music for self-care: Calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

What is the sleep cycle?

 

Melatonin for sleep: Many people find it helpful

 

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep: Bright light signals the brain that it's daytime

 

And there are more, with the sleep tips too.  The above may be worth studying again, as I'm guessing you already may have tried some things.
Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

 

Have your symptoms worsened since your updose?

Is it now 8 days since your updose?

Are you still using the melatonin at bedtime?

 

AccountsSettings/signature to update, and edit

 

 

Anything else, other factors playing in right now?

And that's great that you take your job seriously.......I bet you are a great help with this child.

 

Just keep on plugging on DD44, this too, will pass.......in time.  And sleep Princess, sleep.........my gosh, I expect you will feel like a new person once you get some sleep in.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[DD44]

@manymoretodays @Altostrata

Updating everyone since I have going through such a challenging time with insomnia. I am doing a little better just the last 2 days. I have updosed to 7.5 for I think 8 days and been holding. I do admit to trying some CBD (it did not go well) and also used very small amount of xanax and ambien about a week ago for a couple days, but I have stopped that as well. 

 

I met with a Dr. Tarantolo on Friday, who has agreed to work with me and said he could assist me in getting off Mirtazapine. I copied Alto on this message because I did see some negative reviews about him on the Forum but they were over ten years ago, so maybe he has improved, I cannot be sure. His intention is to do therapy with me for one month so we can access where I am at and he can try to help me. I am been so close to asking my regular psych for something else so I am really trying everything here. I have come across a couple people who said that Prozac or Lexapro could maybe help because my insomnia was likely originally caused by anxiety as I do not believe I was truly every seriously depressed. I know that my current insomnia is not likely all anxiety related and could have a chemical component, but I know anxiety can feed it. 

 

I am open to everyones feedback as Dr. T will cost me some money and I want to be prudent about what I do. Please be aware I am still a bit fragile and compassion and understand goes a long way right now.

 

@manymoretodays thank you for your last message it was very kind and really made me feel a little better that day.

 

Anyhow, I am off for a walk now, hope to hear from people soon. Hope everyone is well.

 

DD x

 

 

[Altostrata]

I didn't receive a message from you about this.

 

The key question is: Has Dr. T learned how to taper or does he want to find out if you're in a good place psychologically to go off, with no plan how to go off? If I were you, I'd ask him what a potential tapering plan might be.

 

The psychological assessment is not going to get you very far on its own.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Altostrata
correction

[DD44]

@Altostrata

i can certainly ask him what a taper plan would look like in our first full session. 
 

Just for clarification- did you mean to say a psychological assessment with him will be very helpful to me? Just wanted to make sure that was what you meant. 
 

when I told him my story he said basically that if my only desire was for him to manipulate medication with no therapy included from him then he didn’t think he would be helpful to me. He said he needs to understand who I am and do therapy with him to successfully help me get off. No guarantee, which is something I know. He’s giving me a small break on price so that’s helpful and I do feel like my current therapist is No longer being helpful. She seems kinda clueless when things are not going well for me. 
Dr. T and I agreed to try working together for a month and go from there. The fee is not outstanding but of course I need to feel like I’m getting the most out of it. I will definitely ask him about his knowledge of tapering procedure in our first session. 
 

let me know if there’s anything else you think would be important for me to think about or know. And thank you for your time.

 

DD x 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

5 hours ago, Altostrata said:

The psychological assessment is not going to get you very far on its own.

 

Oops, typo'ed. This is what I meant to say.

 

I think you need to ask him if he has a taper plan in mind before you engage his services and incur fees. He may believe that if you are prepared psychologically to go off the drugs, you don't need much of a taper.

[DD44]

@Altostrata

i will ask about this in the first session. One session will not set me back, even two or three to get a sense of things. Thank you for your advisement 

 

D x

[Shebon]

DD:

Glad to hear you have had some decent days -- do you keep a sleep log?  That would show improvements and down days in your tapering doses, which could give you a bigger picture.

 

Also, do you take anything within 2-3 hrs. of your remeron?  Absorption is the key to not incurring withdrawal symptoms.  Are you splitting doses?  One thing I discovered is that your body likes the dose at one time.   

 

Hoping that this new doc will be able to guide and protect you!!

 

Best regards,

Shebon

[DD44]

@Shebon

i don’t have a sleep track but my get a Fitbit 

 

I don’t split doses 

Iv updosed to 7.5 (so Iv made no taper progress in one year :/) 

 

I am back to taking magnesium glycinate 2 hours before my Mirt because I do find it helps. I’m being kind to myself but hope to try a taper again maybe in a couple months. Need to get more stable. 

[DD44]

Hey there, 

 

just wanted to update people for anyone whos following. I had my first meeting with Dr. Tarantolo today. I think it went fine but there isn't much to report since telling my my cliff notes life story took the entire 50 minutes. I am okay with this as I do think it's important for him to understand my childhood/life history to be able to help.

 

I told him my expectations are for his treatments to be difference than previous therapist. In my previous experience I always felt like I was just using therapy for a weekly emotional dump, ranting and raving and then leaving. I am hoping he has a more organized approach to helping me work through my severe abandonment issues. I am going to monitor things with him month by month and I hope to begin tapering about within the next couple months. 

 

I have been holding at 7.5 for maybe 10 days or so. My sleep is still hardly there, patchy, light, and sometimes non existent. During the day my mood is okay, but my body does feel worn out and tired, kind of like sore all the time for no reason.

 

He did say he believes he will help me get off my drug, and that felt good to hear.

 

Anyway. I am hanging tough as they say. Hoping things even out soon.

 

D x

[DD44]

Just checking in because im honestly really still struggling. I have up dosed and held for i think almost two weeks now and it just seem like no matter what I do im not getting normal rest. I feel like this drug is just damaging my health more and more, making me fatter and fatter. I am really at a breaking point on a lot of days and I just feel like i dont know what to do anymore. I know every one is trying to help on here by telling me to just hold hold hold but its not working for me. I see everyone else making progress, even if its slow. I SEE it on other peoples pages. I dont get what I am doing wrong. 

[Alan1234]

Hi DD

 

i really sympathise with how you feel, I feel exactly the same I have had insomnia since last May with a couple of months of relief through mitazepine and that has stopped working at 15mg

 

i too am desperate although this is an excellent community no one seems happy to advise on drug bridging or substitution. This makes me sad as we do want to come off these drugs otherwise we wouldn’t be here but they so powerful in their affects. 
 

I feel like you as when you can’t sleep a wink you become desperate and rational thought goes out the window. 
I have lost my job through the insomnia as I lost the ability to work and more recently my wife and family. 
 

I don’t feel strong enough like t appears the lucky some on this site who can cope with it, or suffer as badly with it .

 

My doctor on Tuesday told me to cold turkey on mitazepine and start Paxil .

 

im obviously so scared as I’ve felt suicidal since then and I don’t know how much longer I can fight this. 
 

i truly hope your ok and you will get through this anyway you know how. 
 

ive come to the realisation of his is by no means an exact science just remember what works for one might not be the way for us otherwise we wouldn’t be here.

 

I only wish I knew about all this stuff when these doctors have never reviewed my meds more than once in twenty years until last year since I got prolonged withdrawal syndrome after getting no help coining off. I had no knowledge and I naively though I would be fine with big jumps. Only for this hell to start 5wks after 

 

let’s fight this together and I hope I can support you through this  

 

[MaryMoo429]

@Humanist56 Did you end up trying one of these meetings? Are they still happening? I'm currently trying to find some sort of online meeting similar to AA/NA meetings but for psych drug withdrawal ass opposed to substance use. 

[DD44]

It has been two years since I have been on here so forgive me if this isn't the correct way to share my success story but I felt it only right to come back and share. I am going to keep it short because I feel once you are free of these drugs its best to forget it and put it behind you although I may share my story elsewhere in the future, not sure. Five years ago I went through a really challenging time when I was ripped off benzos (22.5mg Temazapam) and then was poly drugged over the summer with various drugs to try and mask the withdrawals. I was also on 15 mg of Mirtazapine which ended up being the drug it took me nearly five years to come off of. 

 

A lot has changed since I found survivingantidepressants. I decided to log off nearly two years ago and mostly go it alone (once I got the hang of what I needed to do).

By late 2020 I was feeling healthier but was still over weight and still on 7.5mg of Mirtazapine. Beginning in 2021 I began tapering down below 7.5 with the help of a compounding pharmacy. 

In the midst of this, I decided I was healthy enough to make a big decision to move across the country to from Virginia to Las Vegas and continue my taper there. This isn't always recommended, but at 35 years old I needed a change and believed I could continue to recover and finish my taper in a new city. I moved here with no place to live and no job, but I had a plan and it did work out. Unfortunately in late 2021 my father did pass away which has been one of the most challenging things I have endured. 

 

I had continued my taper up until October of this year again with the use of a compounding pharmacy and had gotten down to 0.08mg! Unfortunately I suffered another challenge in late October when my car was tboned resulting in a broken ankle requiring surgery. Being in the hospital for ten days obviously I didn't have access to my medication and honestly it wasn't a issue. When I got home I did resume for a couple of days and quickly realized it wasn't helping me anymore, so I jumped off. I have now been off for about two to three weeks and I am sleeping daily albeit not at the correct hours but that's due to the fact that my job here in Vegas is a night job, which isn't the best for someone who is susceptible to sleep issues but it is lucrative and I have no doubt that when I transition out of this line of work I will be able to shift my sleep schedule to something more normal. 

 

I realize now that while I may have had a multiweek anxiety produced bough of insomnia back in 2017 that landed me on drugs, I no longer believe I suffer from chronic insomnia because I know that if I control my thoughts and anxiety I have no issues falling asleep. I do take a concoction of natural supplements and vitamins to aide me in being relaxed. I do still have to be careful with not getting caffeine too late. Other than my broken ankle that I am recovering from, I feel mostly healthy, the only symptom I still have left over from the benzo withdrawal is some mild to moderate IBS that is better when I eat better and I'm sure would vanish if I didn't like spicy food so much. 

 

I hope this gives someone hope. I was committed to being psychiatric drug free and in five years I did it. I won't lie there is still a part of me that thinks that having a benzo would be nice now and then when I am going through something rough, but I know the slippery slope and I know it leads no where good so I haven't touched one since 2019. 

 

Thank you to everyone in this group that got me through those early, scary, horrible days. The work you guys do and the commitment you have to helping people is commendable and I am eternally grateful! 

 

I hope everyone holds on, whatever stage they are in. You will make it, it might take a long time, but you will make it if you don't give up.

 

That is all.

 

Love, Dana

[Emonda]

Welcome back @DD44, after a while away from us.

 

Congratulations of getting all the way down to 0.08mg, before jumping to 0mg a few months back. That's nice and low, and seriously impressive! I look forward to that day myself.

 

I've brought your post back here to your original thread...for the time being. Please continue to keep us updated over the coming months. Once members are ~12 months clear of their AD, then we declare success and close this thread 🤗 You'll be back doing that for sure in 10 months.

 

Sorry to hear about the car accident and surgery...not ideal at all. Glad you are on the mend.

 

Please continue to keep us updated. It'd be great to see some of the more recent tapering steps you took in your drug signature if you have time.

 

Cheers, Emonda

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@DD44

Hi Dana,

 

Thank you for coming back to update us.  I really appreciate it.  I was wondering how you are doing and it's great to hear you are doing so well (except for the broken ankle).

 

Congratulations on being psychiatric drug free. Additionally I am impressed with you making such a big move so congratulations on that was well.

 

Warm wishes.

Rachel

[Snowguy34]

Congrats ! @DD44

 

it seems in your last post on this thread (before you took a 2 year break) you felt frustrated by the lack of notable progress in your recovery . How were you able to cope with that aspect because I think many can relate with it being very difficult to note positive changes .

 

was there anything different in the 2 years that you went off this website that you think helped ?

 

thanks ! 

[DD44]

@Snowguy34

hey there!

So I think something that's not talked about enough is getting OFF the support groups for many reasons. Once I had obtained all the information I needed and really had studied what was going to be required to get off my drugs, it was important for me to detach from the groups so that I could pave my own way and not let the stories of others dictate or influence what I thought I could or could not do. I think some people are able to stay apart of the groups and make progress, but for me it just wasn't productive anymore. A good example was deciding to move from Virginia to Las Vegas when I was still on I think about 1 or 2 mg of Mirtazapine. This might have not been encouraged by the group but I had to listen to my own voice at that point but with caution, and I can say with confidence that the move was what was best for me. I did make sure to do things with caution, such as securing a psychiatrist that was on board to use a compounding pharmacy and help me continue to taper off before I arrived in Vegas. So every risk came with a healthy dose of caution. 

 

I am going through something similar again right now as I suffered a broken ankle from a car accident ten weeks ago (accident not my fault), and I have had to really limit if not stop all together my time in the support groups. I just simply cant emotionally handle seeing people talk about still being in pain years later, and I believe that there is a lot of power in getting the info you need, and then making your own story without so much influence. Essentially it is cutting out the noise. 

 

This strategy might not work for everyone and I certainly don't recommend leaving groups when you are deep in the mud and nobody around you understands what you are going through or seems to care, but at a certain point I FULLY believe in cutting the cord and writing your own story. I also whole heartedly believe that when you focus on other things in your life as much as you possibly can, you take away a great deal of power the problem has over you. For example one of my greatest techniques for working through my insomnia was to do as much of the supplements, hygiene etc as possible and then IGNORE the problem as much as possible. For me, it cut a large part of the anxiety about it out. I just refuse to let any one particular issue consume me. Hope this made sense!!

 

I wish everyone massive and fast healing this year!